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2020.09.19 14:47 Tariq20 Videos sex porn chat

Hi there,
I'm 19yr(M) just started nofap it's my first day before this many time tried nofap but failed but this time I'm more confident and come up with new strategies for my 90-day challenge, found I was so lonely that's why I decided to share my teenage story
My First Exposure to Porn:
When I was 12 I didn't know about sex and other stuff at that time my life was so good I was always enthusiastic to learn new things, to play with friends all of a sudden it changed when I met that guy in my school his name is Ali and he told me sex and that stuff that time when he told me I got scared so he tried to calm me down a few days went off, in those days I was always asking doubts how this works? Is there any alternative way to make her pregnant? are you trying to fool me? by asking these questions I make him irritated at the time he showed me porn my first exposure to porn all of a sudden my life changed before watching my first porn I was so feared about sex but after that, while watching my first porn my erection was like a rock, blood flew over my head and make me so hot and sweaty, he showed me the 5min video and asked me are your doubts are cleared?
After my first exposure to porn I went home and started to cry really I started crying I believed that I committed a sin so I ask Allah to forgive me,
I was a shy and fat kid who was always bullied by friends so I always alone and have a small friend circle usually I don't share my personal stuff with friends but on the other hand, my friends were turning in to men they started to chat with girls, fight with each other to show who is more masculine, but at the time my only problem was my body I was so fat and always got bullied, I'm not good in sports, I'm not good at talking to a girl so I started to demotivate myself that I can't do this, I can't make a girlfriend, I can't get into the sports team, like so on and most of the time I was alone and I had a great curiosity on sex so I started to watch porn to learn sex because I don't want to fail in that after some time it unconsciously making me to addicted to that which I didn't understand at the time
No More Porn:
When I turned into 15 I was not that much fat-like before I was, so a girl next to my class started to show interest on me yeah really but I was too shy to look back at her even though I like her I was afraid to look back at her my confidence was so low when she tries to talk with me I ran away from her, months went on her Interest on me started to disappear at the time I was carving for her to come and speak to me what a piece shit I am, this craving somehow I didn't know motivated me to watch more porn I started to watch them daily, again year went on I turned into 16 that time I was not so Interested in porn but I watch that even when I didn't had a big interest because I had enough of porn that time and my family situation was not good financially so I tried to manage my expenses by doing freelancing that time I found that I’m a porn addict though I tried to quit but I can’t
Totally Messed up:
Though I was watch porn I was good in studies and other stuff so I think that giving up porn isn’t a big deal so I used porn when ever I get bored again years went on I turned into 18 fat and floundering always low and lazy to work also My freelancing career wasn’t good
and again a year gone turned 19 totally messed up always low and lazy that time corona came and lock me in home so porn consumption increased one day I remembering my first porn experience and present experience totally different on the very next day I didn’t have my morning erection first didn’t take that serious but after a week it make me little fear do I consulted with a doctor she told me that I got ed so frustrated to hear that how a 19 year old got ed well I got that after that she told me to rule my mind first so I started to watch and read more about quitting porn and the nofap and semen retention and finally realised how a enthusiastic kid like me turned into a boredom like me right now and finally found the answer for that PORN Porn taken away all the good things I had in my life my health, my motivation literally everything
Now I write this post for enthusiastic adults like me who wanna know what sex is It’s a beautiful thing it’s not just a pleasurable thing its full of emotion you can’t find that on porn it’s beyond porn that’s what true love making is So I request every parents who read this post PLEASE teach your kid about sex, if you didn’t someone will but in a wrong way so please I beg you please teach them what sex is
Thanks for everyone who read this post fully
submitted by Tariq20 to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.09.19 00:35 Matthew2507 Troubled Marriage Me 30M & 26F

I am from Gujarat, India. I have been in arranged marriage for 3 years, we didn’t knew each other but our families knew each other well. They arranged our meeting, and it felt like a match made in heaven. We got married 7 months later. We were totally in love. Once there was a time before marriage when i thought i was digging my own grave by marrying her coz it was my birthday and i travelled to her city ( in a different country ) for a week. And she woke up at 4pm on my birthday, we had plans for all day. That was the day i thought this will continue and she wont improve and my intuition was to quit, but i didnt and here we are: We have a number of things in common, we are both introvert, we are not social, we are both into our own world, we love movies - music and long drives.
About her & me. She is 25 & I am 29. 1. She is lazy to do anything - I prefer to do everything on time & immediately 2. She is most of the time late for everything & I am mostly on time 3. She cant wake up ever on time (Always 10-20mins late). She sometimes sleeps in afternoon too, which is now very less frequent & I wake up before time. 4. Her Sleep Cycle is always 2-3 hrs after mine 5. Her grasp over things and mine are on different level. I mean i understand things in general easily and quickly even at the slightest hints and some things are needed to be explained to her in detail. I would say she lacks some general knowledge. 6. I am someone who knows and can predict thing to be done in day to day life. She needs to be told like a kid. 7. She has gained more than 15kg in 3 Years. With the weight gain she has ankle issues and she hasnt been able to do a single thing for her weight loss. Diet & exercise, she tried both n quit. Also Doesn’t do her exercise for ankle as suggested by Physiotherapist
Some points about my family It’s just me and my father. We belong to small community and are a religious family. I told her when we first met that the only thing i expect from her is to take care of my dad ( he has a few long term illness) and the house. If she wants to work, she is free to start any venture she wants to. But if she doesn’t want to work as she has to take care of my dad and the house i dont have any problem with that. We have a certain food restriction due the religion we follow in the family. She agreed to it before marriage, with exception of being allowed to eat the same food outside the house, now she says she cant do weight loss without the food that is restricted in our family.
Issues: It all started when we moved to our new place, she would tell me what to do and how to do things. That started the fights which kept increasing in the first year itself. Then comes the topic about sex, it was all good for the first 6 months then whenever we tried doing it, it would cause her more pain and she would say no. As she would be free during the day, i told her to google what is her issue and also we recommended we consult a doctor. She ignored the same & wouldn’t do anything about her issue for the next 2+ years. By this time she has gained more than 15kg of weight.
Sexting: 3 months ago (May 2020), she was doing something in her phone in a certain way that made me suspicious so next morning i checked her phone and found out that she was sexting with two random guys (Lets call them A & B) from internet. She changed her passcode, It went on for 2 more days and then i asked her and she said it was just timepass and she would not do it again. Fast-forward to (Third Week of August 2020), i found her doing it again with another random guy (Lets call him C) on hangout, so i read everything on her phone when she was asleep and she also mentioned it to C that she deletes the app everyday. Also there were video and audio call logs. All of this was going on for past 1 week. She actually does delete the app. It was there one day, it wasn’t nt in the evening and next morning it was there. So this time she thinks if she changes her password i would get suspicious so she is deleting the app. This chat log included porn, sexual gif’s, detailed sext, and other chit chat. She finds these guys on “chatib”. After 1 week of sext with C, she found another guy (Lets Call him “D”) same sext, same chat log with him for over a week. So then i confronted her again, told her i know everything and i have read everything. She says its just sext and wont do it again. So she blocked both the guys( C & D). But she still visit that site and chats with random guys ( no sext ).
Also for the past 3 weeks she has been saying she is very horny and wants to resolve the long pending issue and work towards a better sex life. The reason I think she has a high sex drive now is only because most of her friends are either pregnant or gave birth even though she was first to get married so now she is pressuring me for a child even though i dont think i am ready. So I would say peer pressure. So we had a discussion about our issues & sex life. I told her all the points i have issues I have mentioned above. She says she will start working on then. She has reduced her sleeping in afternoon and started doing chores a bit more on time. About our sex life: she is super horny but still i cant penetrate. She think it because of lack of foreplay. And about me i dont feel like doing any kind of foreplay (including kissing / Smooch ) and I dont know why? I am still monitoring & recording her chats she keeps chatting with random guys for timepass. One day she unblocked both the guys ( C + D) and started chatting with them again and told them not to sext. Then comes new guys. Yesterday i read new guy’s (E & F) chatting dirty with her & one of them sharing porn with her. She hasn’t been replying the same sext way, but she would in a day or two. Most of her day is spent by her on Social Media - New Found Love for Chatting - Rest of the Day Managing Home.
What should i do?
submitted by Matthew2507 to Marriage [link] [comments]


2020.09.19 00:13 Matthew2507 Troubled Marriage Me 30M & 26F

I am from Gujarat, India. I have been in arranged marriage for 3 years, we didn’t knew each other but our families knew each other well. They arranged our meeting, and it felt like a match made in heaven. We got married 7 months later. We were totally in love. Once there was a time before marriage when i thought i was digging my own grave by marrying her coz it was my birthday and i travelled to her city ( in a different country ) for a week. And she woke up at 4pm on my birthday, we had plans for all day. That was the day i thought this will continue and she wont improve and my intuition was to quit, but i didnt and here we are: We have a number of things in common, we are both introvert, we are not social, we are both into our own world, we love movies - music and long drives.
About her & me. She is 25 & I am 29. 1. She is lazy to do anything - I prefer to do everything on time & immediately 2. She is most of the time late for everything & I am mostly on time 3. She cant wake up ever on time (Always 10-20mins late). She sometimes sleeps in afternoon too, which is now very less frequent & I wake up before time. 4. Her Sleep Cycle is always 2-3 hrs after mine 5. Her grasp over things and mine are on different level. I mean i understand things in general easily and quickly even at the slightest hints and some things are needed to be explained to her in detail. I would say she lacks some general knowledge. 6. I am someone who knows and can predict thing to be done in day to day life. She needs to be told like a kid. 7. She has gained more than 15kg in 3 Years. With the weight gain she has ankle issues and she hasnt been able to do a single thing for her weight loss. Diet & exercise, she tried both n quit. Also Doesn’t do her exercise for ankle as suggested by Physiotherapist
Some points about my family It’s just me and my father. We belong to small community and are a religious family. I told her when we first met that the only thing i expect from her is to take care of my dad ( he has a few long term illness) and the house. If she wants to work, she is free to start any venture she wants to. But if she doesn’t want to work as she has to take care of my dad and the house i dont have any problem with that. We have a certain food restriction due the religion we follow in the family. She agreed to it before marriage, with exception of being allowed to eat the same food outside the house, now she says she cant do weight loss without the food that is restricted in our family.
Issues: It all started when we moved to our new place, she would tell me what to do and how to do things. That started the fights which kept increasing in the first year itself. Then comes the topic about sex, it was all good for the first 6 months then whenever we tried doing it, it would cause her more pain and she would say no. As she would be free during the day, i told her to google what is her issue and also we recommended we consult a doctor. She ignored the same & wouldn’t do anything about her issue for the next 2+ years. By this time she has gained more than 15kg of weight.
Sexting: 3 months ago (May 2020), she was doing something in her phone in a certain way that made me suspicious so next morning i checked her phone and found out that she was sexting with two random guys (Lets call them A & B) from internet. She changed her passcode, It went on for 2 more days and then i asked her and she said it was just timepass and she would not do it again. Fast-forward to (Third Week of August 2020), i found her doing it again with another random guy (Lets call him C) on hangout, so i read everything on her phone when she was asleep and she also mentioned it to C that she deletes the app everyday. Also there were video and audio call logs. All of this was going on for past 1 week. She actually does delete the app. It was there one day, it wasn’t nt in the evening and next morning it was there. So this time she thinks if she changes her password i would get suspicious so she is deleting the app. This chat log included porn, sexual gif’s, detailed sext, and other chit chat. She finds these guys on “chatib”. After 1 week of sext with C, she found another guy (Lets Call him “D”) same sext, same chat log with him for over a week. So then i confronted her again, told her i know everything and i have read everything. She says its just sext and wont do it again. So she blocked both the guys( C & D). But she still visit that site and chats with random guys ( no sext ).
Also for the past 3 weeks she has been saying she is very horny and wants to resolve the long pending issue and work towards a better sex life. The reason I think she has a high sex drive now is only because most of her friends are either pregnant or gave birth even though she was first to get married so now she is pressuring me for a child even though i dont think i am ready. So I would say peer pressure. So we had a discussion about our issues & sex life. I told her all the points i have issues I have mentioned above. She says she will start working on then. She has reduced her sleeping in afternoon and started doing chores a bit more on time. About our sex life: she is super horny but still i cant penetrate. She think it because of lack of foreplay. And about me i dont feel like doing any kind of foreplay (including kissing / Smooch ) and I dont know why? I am still monitoring & recording her chats she keeps chatting with random guys for timepass. One day she unblocked both the guys ( C + D) and started chatting with them again and told them not to sext. Then comes new guys. Yesterday i read new guy’s (E & F) chatting dirty with her & one of them sharing porn with her. She hasn’t been replying the same sext way, but she would in a day or two. Most of her day is spent by her on Social Media - New Found Love for Chatting - Rest of the Day Managing Home.
What should i do?
submitted by Matthew2507 to survivinginfidelity [link] [comments]


2020.09.19 00:10 Matthew2507 Porn sex chat videos

Troubled Marriage Me 30M & 26F
I am from Gujarat, India. I have been in arranged marriage for 3 years, we didn’t knew each other but our families knew each other well. They arranged our meeting, and it felt like a match made in heaven. We got married 7 months later. We were totally in love. Once there was a time before marriage when i thought i was digging my own grave by marrying her coz it was my birthday and i travelled to her city ( in a different country ) for a week. And she woke up at 4pm on my birthday, we had plans for all day. That was the day i thought this will continue and she wont improve and my intuition was to quit, but i didnt and here we are: We have a number of things in common, we are both introvert, we are not social, we are both into our own world, we love movies - music and long drives.
About her & me. She is 25 & I am 29. 1. She is lazy to do anything - I prefer to do everything on time & immediately 2. She is most of the time late for everything & I am mostly on time 3. She cant wake up ever on time (Always 10-20mins late). She sometimes sleeps in afternoon too, which is now very less frequent & I wake up before time. 4. Her Sleep Cycle is always 2-3 hrs after mine 5. Her grasp over things and mine are on different level. I mean i understand things in general easily and quickly even at the slightest hints and some things are needed to be explained to her in detail. I would say she lacks some general knowledge. 6. I am someone who knows and can predict thing to be done in day to day life. She needs to be told like a kid. 7. She has gained more than 15kg in 3 Years. With the weight gain she has ankle issues and she hasnt been able to do a single thing for her weight loss. Diet & exercise, she tried both n quit. Also Doesn’t do her exercise for ankle as suggested by Physiotherapist
Some points about my family It’s just me and my father. We belong to small community and are a religious family. I told her when we first met that the only thing i expect from her is to take care of my dad ( he has a few long term illness) and the house. If she wants to work, she is free to start any venture she wants to. But if she doesn’t want to work as she has to take care of my dad and the house i dont have any problem with that. We have a certain food restriction due the religion we follow in the family. She agreed to it before marriage, with exception of being allowed to eat the same food outside the house, now she says she cant do weight loss without the food that is restricted in our family.
Issues: It all started when we moved to our new place, she would tell me what to do and how to do things. That started the fights which kept increasing in the first year itself. Then comes the topic about sex, it was all good for the first 6 months then whenever we tried doing it, it would cause her more pain and she would say no. As she would be free during the day, i told her to google what is her issue and also we recommended we consult a doctor. She ignored the same & wouldn’t do anything about her issue for the next 2+ years. By this time she has gained more than 15kg of weight.
Sexting: 3 months ago (May 2020), she was doing something in her phone in a certain way that made me suspicious so next morning i checked her phone and found out that she was sexting with two random guys (Lets call them A & B) from internet. She changed her passcode, It went on for 2 more days and then i asked her and she said it was just timepass and she would not do it again. Fast-forward to (Third Week of August 2020), i found her doing it again with another random guy (Lets call him C) on hangout, so i read everything on her phone when she was asleep and she also mentioned it to C that she deletes the app everyday. Also there were video and audio call logs. All of this was going on for past 1 week. She actually does delete the app. It was there one day, it wasn’t nt in the evening and next morning it was there. So this time she thinks if she changes her password i would get suspicious so she is deleting the app. This chat log included porn, sexual gif’s, detailed sext, and other chit chat. She finds these guys on “chatib”. After 1 week of sext with C, she found another guy (Lets Call him “D”) same sext, same chat log with him for over a week. So then i confronted her again, told her i know everything and i have read everything. She says its just sext and wont do it again. So she blocked both the guys( C & D). But she still visit that site and chats with random guys ( no sext ).
Also for the past 3 weeks she has been saying she is very horny and wants to resolve the long pending issue and work towards a better sex life. The reason I think she has a high sex drive now is only because most of her friends are either pregnant or gave birth even though she was first to get married so now she is pressuring me for a child even though i dont think i am ready. So I would say peer pressure. So we had a discussion about our issues & sex life. I told her all the points i have issues I have mentioned above. She says she will start working on then. She has reduced her sleeping in afternoon and started doing chores a bit more on time. About our sex life: she is super horny but still i cant penetrate. She think it because of lack of foreplay. And about me i dont feel like doing any kind of foreplay (including kissing / Smooch ) and I dont know why? I am still monitoring & recording her chats she keeps chatting with random guys for timepass. One day she unblocked both the guys ( C + D) and started chatting with them again and told them not to sext. Then comes new guys. Yesterday i read new guy’s (E & F) chatting dirty with her & one of them sharing porn with her. She hasn’t been replying the same sext way, but she would in a day or two. Most of her day is spent by her on Social Media - New Found Love for Chatting - Rest of the Day Managing Home.
What should i do?
TL:DR - Arranged Marriage - Issues including sexting & incompatibility
submitted by Matthew2507 to relationships [link] [comments]


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2020.09.17 20:38 Dissident_At_Sea Chat porn videos sex

We've been together for 19 years, married for 16 (3 kids). I did join Reddit today to specifically ask for advice on this problem but do not intend to throw the account away, so I hope that's okay.
My understanding of Only Fans is that it is an app where people can post anything from nudes to specific videos (by request) and DM and/or face-time. In some ways I have thought it a sort of digital escort service as I have read articles that say some of the content creators know a lot about their patrons (kids names, etc.). I also know it is not specifically for sex work, but that is a large vertical. Not a judgement, just what I think I understand.
So my first thought was that my husband could be having an emotional affair since the charges appear to have gone to the same Only Fans account, but it's in bank statement abbreviation, so I do not know if that is true either.
A few days before I found this out we had a really big fight and we hadn't been speaking much. I had tried to smooth things over, but he wasn't ready to talk yet, so I left him alone. I had to check the ba nk statement, something I rarely ever do since he handles the bills and I saw the Only Fans and I asked him about the charges and here was our exchange:
Me: (Screenshot of the charges) Really?
H: I was mad. It was a waste of money too
Me: (Sent a screenshot of 12 charges over a span of 9 months)
H: I tried it a couple times, still a waste. (at this point he tries to call and I am at work in my office in tears, not ready to talk)
Me: I have nothing to say to you right now
H: Well. I do. You never want me to touch you. You never want to have sex. You barely even try anymore. I could've easily went out and tried cheating on you but instead I did what most men do and I looked at porn. Sue me. I thought you would even understand it since we went to a strip club too! I understand it doesn't make you happy but I have felt down a bunch lately. I feel you think there is something wrong with me? I don't know.
Me: It's not just porn and you know that
H: Its nudes. And not even nudes. There was plenty of implied nudity. Too expensive in my opinion. I was also curious. I had heard rumors about it and wanted to see what the hype was about
Me: You see the screenshot I sent with the multiple transactions, right? You also are sending money via Patreon to someone else it looks like?
H: Yes. I was testing the site out. It costs money naturally. One time just didn't give me the overview I was looking for I suppose. Are we not going to discuss why I did it? Or are you just going make me feel worse than I already do?
Me: Considering you did the same thing, actually, no, much less hurtful even when I was thin and we had more sex regularly, I don't see the point (not the same in terms of Only Fans but subscriptions to other paid porn) You even did this when we were on vacation (mind-blown emoji)
H: Oh my lord! I looked at porn because I'm not getting any attention from you!!!!!! I want Your attention, not anyone else's! I've felt hopeless for a long time. I feel like on the path we're going, I'll be lucky if you want to be sexual with me once or twice a year! Consider this a plea for you to pay more attention to me.
Me: I know that Only Fans is not just run of the mill porn. You wouldn't pay for porn when you can get it for free. You're too much of a miser. As I understand it, those women do whatever you ask them to within their comfort zone and agreed price.
H: What do you know?
Me: It's waaaaay worse than even sexting someone in my opinion
H: Yeah. If you pay money. I only bought a short subscription period that expired. You get to see posts and that's it. Still. Nothing to do with you and me.
Me: Let's see . . . making yourself a victim and also implying I should be thankful you didn't go out and actually cheat on me . . . yeahhhh, let's talk about us
H: Thanks. I really needed that. First you become sexually void in nature, then you continually call me cheap. Then you act surprised when I look at porn. Appreciate it. I fell great about it all now.
Me: It's definitely all about how you feel right now
H: No. I've felt alone for months. I still love you immensely. Don't get me wrong. I love spending tine with you. But I need you to be more with me. Why can't you see that? Please come home and talk to me or we can have a drink somewhere.
Me: I can't leave work and I'm not going in public crying like this
H: Let me know. I'll meet you. I just poured my heart out to you and that's what you have to say? Now I'm crying. I want you back. You haven't been the same lately. Please come back.
Me: Put yourself in my shoes right now. If things were reversed would you say I was pouring my heart out to you?
H: Very much so. I'd want to know what I did that made you question me, what made you feel like porn was acceptable. I'd want to know how I can help fix the situation. I've felt neglected by you. Sure porn, isn't ideal. Better than the alternative, in my opinion. Quite natural in fact but not ideal. I should have tried communicating with you more but it seemed like that never got me anywhere. You would just shrug your shoulders and tell me the reason is because you're not happy with yourself. Well that's just great. You mean I can't love your body still? Does that mean we can't be more sexual until you're happy with yourself? These are just some of the questions I've been asking myself for months, if not years.
At that point we stopped texting, which I wasn't too keen on starting anyway. It's difficult to have this kind of conversation even in person, but he was persistent in trying to talk to me immediately but looking back on it now, I am glad it was in text.
We talked when I got home that night and he said he absolutely needs sex. He didn't really say how often or if he needed any kinks or anything like that, just that he needed to feel desired by me.
I explained that the only time he approaches me about sex is usually in the mornings on the weekend. and morning sex is my least favorite time, but I rarely ever turn him away. Even if I am not in the mood, I make myself available to him and sometimes I do end up getting into anyway.
I also reminded him how unhappy I am at my job. I suffered a very serious demotion after having poured an immense amount of time and energy into getting a startup company off the ground. I had some personal life events that resulted in my having a nervous breakdown and I was asked to step down. It's been a constant reminder and source of frustration from me and I am paired now with people who don't fully grasp what we do and overall it's just very demoralizing . . . so I'm not exactly thinking about sex when I get home and even if I were, there's dinner to make and three kids and chores to deal with.
My husband is great at helping with both the kids and the chores, but even with the two of us, it's sometimes 10 p.m. before we have a moment to even sit down. Again, not the most ideal time.
I know I need to find a new job and I have been looking, but my particular field is very specific and not easy to find.
I hope I have done this right so far! What I am asking for the most help on is whether I can believe that he was only looking at nudes or if it could have been more involved and intimate. I think that changes things in a big way if so and because he chose to lie about it even after I knew he had used the service at least once, it makes me skeptical.
There are other instances in our history together where I have found him chatting with his ex-GF and a co-worker. He claimed both times that he was flirting and shouldn't have been. It was about ten years ago when our relationship went through a very bad strain (we were near broke, the kids were not very independent and we both worked two jobs and hardly ever saw one another). He again cited the lack of attention from as to why he entertained the attention that was initiated by these women.
That was really difficult to work through and if I went into more detail I am sure there would be a lot responses for us or me to go to therapy and maybe that is the only answer. But even through the counseling, I don't feel he was completely honest and that he actually had sex with the co-worker. He always implied that I was the one who needed the counseling more than him and he never seemed to want to participate or make changes. However, we have done sessions 3 separate times for several months per time. The counselors were always focused more on the externals in our relationship being the source of our problems overall.
We're in a much different season of life now - hard work finally paid off (financial stability and one good job for each of us, kids older and more independent, normal sleep schedules,etc.) and those externals, to me, don't seem to be an issue. We still fight about money because he is very, very frugal.
So, do we try therapy again? Could he a sex addict perhaps? Am I over-analyzing this and just need to find more time and energy to be more responsive to his needs?
Any and all advice is welcome. I don't have anyone else to really talk to about all of this unless I go the therapy route again (and I understand if that's the best route, but I was hoping for some solace and perspective from people who may be able to help out sooner as I find myself miserable and constantly perplexed with this dilemma since it happened).
I appreciate any input in advance.
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2020.09.17 00:35 Fortibus15 Chat porn sex videos

For context: I'm overweight, but not unattractive. Currently losing weight. Lost nearly 3 stone since April. I had become quite depressed while doing my PhD and having a bad time in the dating world. I basically ballooned to 19 stone. Currently sitting near 16 with goals to be nearer 15. I'm 6ft1 and thankfully the weight spreads quite evenly around my body. My friend. K we'll call her. Is about 5ft7. Was very skinny but has put a fair amount of weight on during lockdown (haven't most people right?) But I still think she's absolutely beautiful. She could be obese and I'd still find her attractive. She is very privileged, family have helped her with a lot. House car etc. Compared to me who comes from a v working class background with little financial support. We are based in the UK.
So I've known this woman for about 4 years and we instantly found we had loads in common and just became really good friends. She was in a long term relationship and I was dating another woman at the time. We both split from our partners in 2018. Me in January, her in August. My ex was pretty good actually. Hers was not. He abused her physically and mentally. However she's a tough woman and despite this always seems to be fighting through. Anyway, I started to fancy her a little bit, she would speak to me constantly on messager but she lived two hours away so I never really thought much of it and anyway I was trying to date women nearer to me (with little success...) then she started to call me. Everyday. First for 20/30 min chats then for an hour. Nearly everyday. She would tell me stuff that she didn't tell anyone and I'd tell her stuff that I hadn't told anyone. This made me really start liking her, we just got on so well and talked and argued like a married couple. I loved it. However trouble first arose in November 2019 when I went round hers, I took her constant messages and calls the wrong way and tried to be a bit more forward and basically it didn't go down well. She only said that it made her feel uncomfortable and I felt terrible for it. I later learnt that she was not over her ex and around that time had sex with him again.
However, I didn't message her for a while. Just felt so guilty and would ignore her calls or would only be brief on them. I met someone else shortly afterwards and she for a brief time made me very happy. I hadn't spoken to K for about 2 months. Coincidentally the woman I was seeing suddenly called it off because she wasn't ready K called me the night it happened. We spoke for hours and while I was hesitant and cautious at first to not talk to her for too long when lockdown started we basically spent the entire day talking, video calling etc. She then started saying how she was horny all the time and we would talk for hours about what we had done sexually and what we enjoyed. She would tell me how much porn she watched and how many times she got off in a day. Now I'm a guy with a vivid imagination. I think what things look like to understand. This obviously turned me on as well and I wanted to talk to her more. She started to joke how me and her would get married but that I was her last resort (this is where I start to get annoyed). She wanted to date people and obviously she's not my property so I support her and listen to her talk about tinder matches but after a while I just felt sick in my heart wherever she went on a date and relieved when nothing happened. I had to say something so when lockdown lifted we met up and i told her how I felt. I had already predicted her saying we were just friends but I had to get her to understand that our current relationship was not sustainable. This was where she had a problem. To her she saw no problem talking to me about the men she was seeing and what the sex was like. I asked for boundaries and she said no. Thankfully she never did have sex with anyone and was starting to get sad about how men were with her. She then suggested that we go away on holiday together. We didn't due to COVID but she then said that I should spend two nights at hers (going today actually). She got more and more needy and would be annoyed when I didn't answer or said I had to go. She would drunk call me all the time. But I was still last resort and when I talked about my own dating difficulties and said that I didn't think that I was too ugly she wouldn't say anything, I always brush it off but it's starting to get me down. Then she starts saying how horny she is again but this time she will just fuck anyone and asks for me to come up. I jokingly say no because I knew she didn't mean it but still made me feel uncomfortable given that I was trying not to fall for her again.
This past week she decided she couldn't take it anymore and had sex with someone who her friends described as her ex v2. I feel pretty shit about it as I said to her she shouldn't as men like him need to be told no as they are HR disasters waiting to happen but also I do really like her. (Edit: I should add that I of course don't have a problem with her having sex wirh other men. She had gone a date the previous week thinking it would end with sex and he was pretty decent but it didn't. The guy she did was someone who sent her a dick pic which she said no to among other things she said no to) I can't stop thinking about her but to her I'm just her back up. She knows how I feel but isn't tactful and has said that if I stop talking to her then she might never talk to me again. I don't know what to do. Am I being used? Am I in the wrong for being upset that she's sleeping with someone else? How do I distance myself from her without losing my friendship?
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2020.09.15 22:54 throwaway192132134 I ruined a 10 year relationship 9 years ago and ever since, I have done nothing but hurt the person I thought I loved. We just broke up and after looking back at our relationship, I hate myself for being such a piece of shit.

10 years ago I met someone who changed my life. It was my first real relationship and it felt good to spend time with someone who wanted to team up and "beat the world," and all that cute and romantic cheesy shit. Our first date was 19 hours long and every second of it was amazing. All of our friends from both sides loved us and thought we were perfect for each other. We felt the same way. She liked me because I had this air of openness and freedom much akin to being a hippy - I loved everyone because the universe was a fantastic place to be and every human in the universe, and their experiences, was an important piece of life. I was honest and open with her, was interested in everything that she was and would be, and according to her, confident. I loved her because she had her own interests that she was willing to share, she was thoughtful and caring, funny, beautiful, and interested in spending time with me. We fit well together, at least on those metrics.
I was also addicted to porn. At that point, I had been addicted for years because that was "all I thought I could get." I had a couple of short online relationships as well as some cringe attempts at starting relationships in real life so I was pretty discouraged. Porn was a crutch to get through not having any luck. It was a complete secret, of course, as I was good at hiding it after having to deal with roommates for years. By the time I had met my girlfriend I had remade myself to be a lot happier but the crutch of pornography was still there. I had the best of both worlds - someone who wanted to have sex with me and others who wanted to perform sexual acts for my personal gratification whenever and however I chose.
A year into the relationship, I exposed myself in public multiple times and eventually was caught and arrested. I immediately admitted guilt to the charge and went to trial and sat in absolute misery as I felt I had to pay for all of the other times I committed the act as well. I felt I had to throw my life away, or at least not allow my life to be worth anything because, how could it be? I listened to some people who saw the docket for the court session that day talking about my case while I was sitting right next to them. I let them blindly shame me. I sat in loathful silence and drank up every word of seething hatred and disgust for "that creep that preyed on people" because I wanted to hurt that much more. I wanted to pay for all of it at once. I was nearly suicidal but chose to endure everything because self-flagellation by emotionally beating myself into the ground and saying I didn't deserve anything felt like a just punishment for the way I acted towards my victims, my friends and family, and towards the person I loved. I felt I had disappointed everyone I knew even though they weren't aware - hundreds of people who still call me friend to this day do not know what I did, and I hate that at any point they could disown me. Despite coming to pick me up from jail from the initial arrest and after learning of the charge, my girlfriend continued to be there for me. She accepted that I had done something wrong and said that she forgave me because I had to deal with a problem, that she would support me, and that it would be okay. She gave me every bit of support that she could, but I never told her what really happened until years later. Sidenote: I also lied to my parents. I told them it was a fluke and it was a weird situation that got out of control. I couldn't admit guilt to anyone that hadn't already found out, and I was deathly afraid of revealing how truly awful of a human being I thought I was. I was crippled with fear of anyone finding out.
During that time of crippling fear and hatred for myself, I was looking for sexual validation. I couldn't trust my girlfriend's empathy because she loved me. Her opinion and feelings mattered, sure, but it was tainted by her wish to care for me. After being arrested I still poked around on sites like ChatRoulette and crept on people there; some that were interested and some that weren't. I wanted to feel the same sexual attraction and rush that I had before being caught because I couldn't handle a sexual attraction from someone who I had disappointed. I stopped this after a few months, but sexual interest in my partner didn't grow back. I escaped to porn again. We would have sex every once and a while but it was closer to once a month at best. Porn was every day.
A couple of years later, her father passed away. I became her support while she was crippled with her own feelings of depression that lasted more than a year. At this point, even if I was interested in sexual stuff with her, this was not the time. My addiction to porn became stronger because it helped me through a time period in which my girlfriend was emotionally distant.
As time went on and we moved in together and got engaged, the sex dropped off to zero. I guess my justification is that after two years of being engaged, no plans for the wedding had been started and as the joke goes sex is less likely when married anyway. There was always an excuse as to why she never started planning the wedding that she opted to be in charge of planning - where do you even start? should we hire a planner, but they cost too much? I joked with her about it, offered to help, gave some advice, but it never changed. I guess I was turned off by her lack of motivation and of course, turned towards easy access to millions of videos and pictures of willing participants on the internet whenever I wanted sexual gratification. I was getting married regardless of the amount of sexy we were having. More importantly, though, I had gained a significant amount of weight and was less active. I was focusing more on playing video games and eating bad food rather than caring about myself and our relationship. Attempts at sex were made but it didn't feel as good as masturbation could ever feel. I wasn't in shape to perform at all and in one situation I had pulled almost pulled muscle and had to stop. Performance anxiety took over and added to the still crippling (but not as strong) fear that I had disappointed her enough in our relationship. As a result, it was easier to avoid more disappointment by never approaching an opportunity.
At no point did we ever discuss our wants or needs about anything. Not once did I tell her how I felt, nor did she tell me how she felt, but the reality at this point was that we were closer to roommates than romantics. She at one point brought up different love languages and we spoke about it - I was very physical (but not intimate) and she found love based on acts of service. This became a statement of our differences as we neared the bitter end of our time together. If you aren't familiar, read up here: https://cratedwithlove.com/blog/five-love-languages-and-what-they-mean/
Earlier this year we had a discussion with more detail about everything - the arrest that happened at the beginning of our relationship came up, our lack of intimacy, and the lack of desire to change. The pandemic had already hit in some ways so my stress levels were off the charts. She had already lost her job and was sitting at home alone for 8-10 hours a day only for me to come home and ignore her. I was complacent and wanted nothing more than to unwind after a stressful day at work instead of doing something like caring for the other person that I lived with. She would fall asleep and then I would stay up hours longer, sometimes not coming to bed until morning just to catch a quick nap. Sometimes I would fall asleep and she would stay up on the couch instead of coming to bed. We were on our own schedules that never lined up. We talked, we ate dinner, we watched shows together, played video games on occasion, talked about the news, but that was it. We were roommates.
This past week, we finally broke up. Initially, it was a soft "hey I need some space so I can figure things out and get some therapy, etc." She even mentioned couples therapy, so I had the hope that maybe we could work things out together. She went to her mom's place to spend a couple of days with her family and think things through. I told her "if you have to leave me to be happy I understand, your happiness is everything." I do care for her, but the reality is, I've spent the last week feeling suicidal, messaging her and apologizing for everything and pleading with her if there was a chance to get back together at some point in the future - unless my arrest and my lack of action were too much to bear. She asked me why I loved her and my answer was what I felt to be true. I asked her the same question. Her answer, in comparison, made me feel like mine was so shallow and empty and it made me feel like shit - like I never knew her in the first place. I felt like I had dishonored her by being nothing but a shallow person who just wanted a companion instead of being in a relationship with someone I loved for who they were. The breakup became final and she was going to start collecting her things. In between bouts of crying and punching myself in the head out of self-hating rage for being such a failure, I told her that when she comes to get her stuff, I did not want to be there.
In the middle of the night, I packed up all of her stuff because of a frantic grieving episode. She initially wanted to meet and to talk in person while packing things but after I had mentioned that I had packed up her things, she felt I was being passive-aggressive and that I resented her for her decision to leave me. She asked that I not be present when she was packing as she didn't want to deal with me while her family was helping. I apologized and said that the reason I did it was not to be passive-aggressive, but I just needed something to do so that I would stop hating the truth that I had been a failure. I had not even thought about it being passive-aggressive, I was just dealing with the feeling of 9 years of inadequacy and disappointment all at once.
As of today, some of the items have been taken - some items I was not expecting, and others that I was hoping would be gone. Every time I look at the remaining pile of items I have a dreadful feeling of immense sadness and disappointment in myself for failing to act in a way that was meaningful towards the person I thought I loved. I hate looking at what is going away, what I am losing in my life. I hate that it feels like a huge part of me is dying, and I wonder if it's losing the woman I loved or if it's the thought of losing a nameless companion that made me feel not alone. Many shelves are empty, bookcases are empty, the computer I had built for her is now turned off and the desk is no longer covered with her little knick-knacks. The house is silent unless I make a noise, and the only noises I am making right now are noises of grief and sorrow. Everywhere I look I get this paralyzing feeling of loss and the need to punish myself for failing to be better to her.
The lease on our apartment was only achievable because she was present when signing it, otherwise, my criminal record would not allow me to live in the apartment we are in. For the first time in my life, I now have to make a budget to see if I am going to be forced out of my living arrangement and have to deal with the fallout of being rejected in just finding a place to live. It may even be the case that when I renew the lease without her that I am no longer allowed to stay anyway. The paralyzing fear of what I was afraid of years ago is coming back: What if I lose my job? What if I lose my home? I have no family in the area so who can I count on to help? I've shaken off so many friends over the years simply because we lost touch as I found new friends that were mutual to myself and my girlfriend. Who is left? Or am I already alone? This anxiety pales in comparison to my victim's fear of my actions so many years ago, but my contrition comes through feeling as they did - confusion and loneliness.
Last night I laid down and scrolled back through my Facebook messenger app because I wanted to see how my attitudes had changed over the years, to see who I had talked to and what friends I had been subconsciously ignoring. What I found and focused on, however, were a couple of chats between me and other women that I feel were not entirely platonic. Nothing that turned too serious, and there were only a few (3), but looking back to nearly a decade ago while I was in a relationship with someone I should have been paying attention to, they look inappropriate. I feel I can justify most of the conversations through the lens of my hippy-esque attitude at the time, but it doesn't make it right. All of those types of conversations started before the arrest and definitely stopped around the same time that I stopped seeking sexual and emotional validation from strangers on the internet, but the conversations were inappropriate in the sense that I used to have a crush on one of the women. In our conversation, I was actively trying to hang out with her before she moved. Not once did I mention my girlfriend. I cannot remember if I mentioned her when we were talking in person but the remainder of the message logs just talk about them moving away and me being glad to see them one last time before they went. Maybe it was platonic, but since all of my thoughts are pushed towards punishing myself for being a disappointment, maybe it was me shifting my emotional interests away from my significant other. All I know is that these conversations cover about a 6 month period from before to after the arrest. Looking back on this makes me feel horrified that I dishonored the one I thought I loved by being emotionally unfaithful. There was a large gap of no odd conversations or wrongdoing, but years later I attended a trade show conference where I connected with someone. I specifically didn't mention my girlfriend to this person either until the end of the conference. We didn't do anything physical - we just spent time at a couple of bars and with other people, but we also talked alone a couple of times. We talked about life and feelings and interests, but we also flirted. I could sense their interest in me and I let it play out a little bit because it made me feel wanted. I eventually said that I had a girlfriend because I started to feel guilty as the situation did start to get serious, but the feeling of being wanted by a new person was an incredibly empowering feeling: "I am wanted by someone who has no way of knowing that I flashed people in the past, and if I said yes right now I could go back to their hotel and have sex with them." I kept in touch with that person for a short while after the trade show but then we broke off contact, which was the right thing to do... but the infidelity was already there. I went home to my then-fiancee and did nothing to make her feel as wanted as a complete stranger had made me feel. I never told her because of how ashamed I am of it.
So, 9 years ago I ruined my 10 year-long relationship. In a sudden tidal wave of depression and panic she left me because for years, we never talked about our intimacy problems, about my secret fidelity issues, and about my addiction issues. I didn't want to talk about them. I wanted to have a normal, happy relationship with all the white picket fence bullshit. Even now we are talking, and we deeply care for each other, but I wonder if I'm doing it out of self-preservation in hopes that I magically end up in a relationship that I can be complacent in again, or If I am doing it out of love and affection for an actual person that I want to succeed in life. I can't tell the difference because right now it is more important for me to punish myself for my failings and disappointments. I have lost 15 pounds in the past week because I have pretty much stopped eating except what I can down just out of necessity. I delight in the sense that I am wasting away. I have cried now more than any other time in my life and I deserve to be sad and alone. I ruined the majority of someone's early adult life by being a selfish, loveless, creep.
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2020.09.15 06:46 Just_another_Jay Sex videos porn chat

Look. Why the hell there are so many images and movies and videos about picking up girls? Coming from someone after bpd relationship who went this stupid route of being something called a player. I hate it now that I am trying to get into a real relationship. Love, trust and genuine connection without expecting something other then a thrill seems almost impossible. I have been through so many dysfunctional short term relationships I have no idea what to do when I just hang out and talk about topics like netflix shows, cats and work and daily chit chat. After being raped by a girl, bpd relationship, drunk sex and kinky shit that should stay in bad porn I feel like crap. I am shy when it comes to normal things and conversations but if girl is openly flirty I feel in my zone. I am afraid of trust and showing vulnerability, I am afraid if I tell someone bout my partners they would just call me trashy. I feel like I am destined now to be single till 40 and to make excuses why I have one night stands and how it is real despite being short. It is toxic. And there are almost none guys talking how to recover from it. I feel like crap and being unable to break this pattern. I am sick how it is idealized in media and all man groups. I want to believe there is more to girls then sex, pretty face and flirty talks. But I feel like I am in too deep. I met awesome girl and I just keep thinking what to say to get the response I want and I feel scarred. Why noone talks how toxic it is. So what I have a nice girl for a night if I end up alone and just hearing bout real relationships. I want to be able to just talk and genuinely care bout someone. Yet I feel inadequate to do so. Rant over I guess. I feel messed up and people just wonder why I am still single and even girls assume right of the bat I am just a player... It is tiring. Like I made myself willingly to be just a talkative and suave toy and pretended half of my life it is not true. Even acknowledging this is awfully hard, to admit living a lie so much. Tldr. Sex is cool, but I just want to hug someone after work and know I can be my vulnerable myself with said person after years of letting myself get abused and abusing myself.
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2020.09.14 02:08 obnoxiouslamppost Should I experiment? 27 and confused

Scared and trapped - feeling hopeless at 27
I'm 27 and have posted a couple of times before but would love someone to chat to over message or whatsapp. Let me know.
I've always had gay curiosity throughout my life, I've watched gay porn on and off since I was around 13 and have always got turned on by it.
I don't know why, but life got the better of me and I ended up sleeping with lots of girls and having relationships with girls and am now at a place (or so I thought) where I was confident with who I was and that I get a 'fair share' of attention. When I was at school/college, no one really fancied me and since then I've worked out loads, got my teeth done and am really attractive.
I live abroad and move to a new country every 2 years generally. I moved to a new country last year for a new job, met a girl, we were just friends and things were great. We started sleeping together after a boozy night out and now she spends most of her time at my apartment and wants a relationship with me/to move in. Both of which I've said no for different reasons. I'm in the process of trying to transition back to friends but don't know how to exactly do it.
Whilst this has all been going on, my desire to have sex with a guy has grown and grown. Within the last 3 months I've bought an anal dildo and use is for spells every month. I've even bought some jock straps and ass-less boxers. It makes me so horny wearing them and then looking at myself in the mirror and imagining someone about to fuck me. last night I bought some poppers to try to. I watched a poppers training video full of big dick whilst I played with my toy last night. I don't think I've ever been so turned on in my life. I wasn't doing/watching for long when I started to wank and before I knew it I came, so much and so hard. When I'm horny the desire to be fucked is so high, I honestly can't believe what I see sometimes when I look in the mirror and I see myself in a jockstrap, on all 4s just wanting to be fucked.
After that I felt total disgusted, ashamed and embarrassed in what I was doing. Looking at the laptop screen with all these dicks did nothing for me and I just felt so weird in myself. I know that I need to eventually meet a guy to explore these urges, but I can't possibly meet someone if there's a chance I'd feel like that with them still fucking me.
Whats strange for me is that I'm not really attracted to guys at-all. There's just something about dick that really turns me on. The desire to suck one and then get fucked.
How do I get over these feelings? I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy and feel like this is all just a bit too much. I wish I'd tried to deal with it at a younger age. I feel so lost and trapped in my own mind and who I am as a person. I've got no-one to talk to about this and would be far too embarrassed to tell anyone.
To make things even more confusing I’m in a friend with benefits situationship with a female friend and I wouldn’t be able to tell her and she’d be upset if she ever found out.
submitted by obnoxiouslamppost to askgaybros [link] [comments]