Recorded sex webcams

Many guys use a "clever," sophisticated approach to getting sex. They launch a campaign, paint a picture, put up a facade, whatever you want to call it. It can make it tough for a woman to ... These times I have had to explain, “You may not want to go in there for a while.” The weird thing is, 15 minutes or so after telling him such, Ron initiates sex. I find it gross and confusing. you would want everybody to see you and your boyfriend on the webcam WHY would you want to get paid for something like that. are you into porn? if you do that you will be. i don't thing you know what you are trying to get yourself into. "My best sex ever was... while my boyfriend watched" ... He pinned me up against a wall, kissing me passionately, telling me how much he wanted me. We did it doggy-style and both came within seconds. Take them to a counselor (a psychologist or psychiatrist) who has some expertise in sexual abuse type issues. Unfortunately, our society has promoted the notion of "friends with benefits" - where two people are friends (but not dating each other) and they both want to have sex, so they have sex with each other with no strings attached. You might feel silly at first, but have fun: Video sex has a distinct benefit over sexting or phone sex—you actually get to see each other. Pretend like you're in the same room and after a while ... 14. The dirty talk. "My girlfriend literally gets off on the thought of me being dominated by men while we're having sex. I’ll slowly whisper a detailed play-by-play of the sex I used to have ...

2020.09.18 08:54 starry_eyes222 Recorded sex webcams

34F & 35M Been dating for 7 months. I noticed he likes to watch us have sex in the mirror if there is one available. I have a mirror in my room & he doesn't.
Just recently he got a webcam from his work & wanted to use it while we have sex. I felt uncomfortable because I'm really afraid of stuff getting leaked on the internet plus just watching myself in an unflattering light on the cam didn't appeal to me. He said it wasn't recording & he just wanted to watch us on the webcam.
Is this normal? Everyone has their kinks even me but I didn't feel comfortable with this one. He quickly turned it off, but it concerned me he isn't satisfied with our sex life. I'm open to experimenting but when it comes to any sort of videos it makes me uncomfortable. I don't trust it with the internet & hackers being so easily accessible to everything.
Do you think he didn't mean any harm by it? What's the fetish with watching yourself? I dig it sometimes but why watch the action in a mirror when you can just look down at your girl having sex.
submitted by starry_eyes222 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.08.31 21:39 tehdude0008 Recorded sex webcams

I'm in my early 30s, got captured by porn 20 years ago. I tried to quit several times, never made it over few weeks (nofap), because I had urges most of the time.
Recently, I started a new attempt with the possibility to MO, because, let's be honest, MO may be not optimal for recovery, but it's definitely healthier than PMO and slipping back into the addiction.
No porn since August 11th, 2020. So far, I feel like I'm doing much better than all the past attempts, and this is why I'd like to share the strategies I rely on this time. Since I didn't see the first strategy anywhere (tbh, I didn't search extensively), I thought it might help some of you. If you're triggered by any description, tell me, I'll try to rephrase or delete it if your concern appears justified. Sorry for my english, I'm not a native speaker.

Here are the strategies:
If you relapse, make a video for your future self. I know, the "writing a letter to your addiction" advice is quite similar, but I think it's different enough to treat it as a method on its own. So, if you feel like shit directly after your orgasm, that's the best time for acting on that concept. Some guys relapse before sleep and won't feel the downside of their consumption until the next morning. If you're like that, shoot the video after you woke up. Get a webcam that can record at least 1080p with a decent framerate. If you think a potato is enough to make this video, because "it's enough to transport the message", forget it. If you watch that low quality video in the future, you won't believe yourself, because potato-quality self won't be real enough for your brain to take advice from. The video quality has to be so sharp that you think you're sitting in front of a mirror when you watch it fullscreen. Also, make sure the lighting is good enough to see every detail on your face.
Sit in front of the webcam, as if you wanted to record your first youtube vlog. Tell the camera that you relapsed. Tell it how you feel. Look straight into the camera lens and tell your future self how unmotivated you are. How the whole day went to shit because of 10 seconds of non-lasting fun. Be as precise as you can when you describe your actual mood, situation and probably negative future vision. Tell yourself you don't want to feel like that anymore. Tell your future self to be more reflected and intelligent than you were minutes ago when you relapsed. Make sure future you will see your pain and discomfort in all detail, both physically and mentally. I think you get the point.
TL;DR: record yourself when you're down as a warning for your addicted, withdrawal-symptom-driven future self. In my opinion, only YOU can effectively remind yourself on how you felt after you acted on your addiction. Hopefully that way you can prevent yourself from relapsing.
"Special" masturbation routine. Maybe not for everyone as some of you prefer hard mode, but it works for me. Remember, it's much better for your brain to MO instead of PMO, so before you relapse, give MO a chance to put you back on the right track. I found that I can let my urges vanish if I "release tension". The hard (no pun intended) part is that my brain always wants to convince me that "if you actually cum, do it right. with porn for maximum pleasure.". We obviously don't want that, so we need to find the right time to masturbate without the urge to watch porn. For me, it applies that if I wait too long, I can't control my urges anymore and a relapse is inevitable. So I normally (or at least plan to) release (or "defuse the situation") before it's too late.
Well, I've got a fleshlight I barely ever used. Somehow I felt it was too much work for prep/aftercare to be reasonable to use it. Well, guess what.
I said to myself: "IF and ONLY IF you actually need to release tension and the urge comes from your PHYSICAL body instead of your MENTAL brain, fine, you are allowed to. But: You aren't allowed to be a lazy idiot, lying on your back in your comfy bed, fucking your hand and be tempted to turn on your huge TV in front of you and watch suggestive stuff. That's not even close to real sex. No, if you want to have sex and don't have a partner, you'll at least simulate it as close as you're able to in your current situation. You will tape the fleshlight on the floor and hump it in missionary position until it's done. That way, you're rewiring your brain to orgasm in an actually realistic position, with a realistic, non death-grippy feeling on your dick and without your hands at all. In short, it will be exhausting in that push-up position and it won't take long until you finished. But this way, you got no edging, no playing around, no binging in the process. You won't have any visual stimulation, because you'll be looking at the damn boring floor, or, if you look down your body, you'll only see your sad, porn-destroyed dick, so nothing of interest at all. If you actually can't cum like this, your addicted brain tricked you into thinking your body needs a release. Additionally, you'll have to clean the fleshlight afterwards, so even if you decide to release every day, you will have to do a shitload of work to make it happen."
TL;DR: Better just masturbate before you relapse, but don't make masturbation your new addiction. Make masturbation challenging. Masturbate responsively.

Thoughts so far
I actually only needed the fleshlight once after 14 days. No urges since. All other attempts to quit were much more difficult. These strategies seem to be quite effective, for me at least. Seeing a broken, past "me" begging me not to peek at porn, not even suggestive SFW content is surprisingly effective. I also made my life less lazy, e.g. no TV in bedroom, working out etc.
Tell me what you think.
submitted by tehdude0008 to pornfree [link] [comments]

2020.08.23 16:58 RebornInLife More on the succubi phenomena and corrupt feminine vs. divine feminine (the most dangerous pitfall for a retainer/celibate)

Previous post.
I'll add some more info here and why this is your biggest danger by far for your entire life, even your afterlife.
To repeat from my previous post:
This is not MGTOW, Redpill, or even close to all-women-are-bad posts.
I want to emphasise that I personally HATE the gender war and I know it has been carefully and craftily created for other purposes through movies, books, songs, destruction of the family unit and discipline, etc. I'm not going to go into that.
I believe a man and a woman, once fully developed and strong and healthy and spiritually awakened, can together form a super-being of sort, and fit perfectly like two lego blocks. They can both nourish and sustain each other and come through incredible obstacles. There is more to it on deeper levels but that's for you to discover.
I also see that millions of women today are suffering but most will not admit it. Female suicides are on the rise, anxiety, depression, lunacy, rage, darkness, evil and stupidity. It's almost like... those ancient people tried to warn us about something.
Now, again, just like a man, a woman is born innocent, without an agenda. With proper development she can be everything from an amazing woman, mother, friend, sister to literally a saint (as many women have been throughout history).
The succubi the ancients talked about was a creature in the astral plane and rarely in the physical - through taking over a host body.
The astral body of dr. Strange leaving the host
Everything in the universe is balanced in it's creation. It's only in corruption that it loses balance. Therefore man is only seemingly more powerful than a woman. She has different powers and of course, without her humanity stops, as much as some are dreaming of a crazy dystopia with sex dolls and breeding chambers. In fact, in many places before women were worshipped as goddesses and such. In the story of the Testament of Reuben, he calls all women evil, but in reality he raped his father's concubine cause he could not stop himself and calls her evil.
The mother of Christ, of course, is worshipped as a divine woman.
There are many and endless stories of a king, warrior, genius, etc falling for a woman and being ensnared by her. Sometimes this is portrayed as evil, sometimes as a natural progression and so on.
People talk about dark and light energies, and I think it's best explained by the Rishis of old in hinduism:
We call the components subtle because they are intangible, not physical in nature and they cannot be seen with any instruments such as the latest electronic microscopes. Technically advanced physical instrumentation in the future too will not be able to measure them. These three subtle basic components can only be perceived by the subtle sense organs or our sixth sense (ESP).

You cannot be a 100% one force and be in this reality
Now, the reason I point this out is that it cuts directly into thousands of people's experiences with longer retaining and meditation and other practices: they immediately start being attracted to a range of different things - food, drinks, music, clothes, people, friends, nature etc. And you can see it everywhere - this battle playing out between these energies.
Now, when it comes to magic, most people imagine Harry Potter stuff or some hand waving with fire energies flowing out etc. Magic is everything that involves consciously manipulating energy but not through machines (although some would even call that magic).
You doing semen retention with positive intention of making the world a better place and yourself better is a form of white magic (this is why ignorant people will call you crazy, even with millions of the same stories). This can be argued as being also the right, divine path for a man, but most are doing it because of that. You fucking a girl and cumming on her face is Black Tantra, black magic. You're spilling life-force sacred energies on her face for some pleasure cause you saw that in porn and you think it's cool. I could go on and on. This goes all the way to really big stuff like drinking blood and sick rituals (that were and still are being practiced everywhere)
Now, a stunningly beautiful woman taking your attention, even in traffic, is magic. She has power over you in that moment and you simply have to look at her.
A gorgeous woman sucking your cock and looking at you intensely in the eyes while giving you pleasure has massive hypnotic influence on you. If you know her for 2 hours you might be able to easily leave her (though you'll remember everything) but if you're in a relationship for years, she has way more power over you. Your will is much weaker because of endless ejaculations, your tied to her mentally, physically and emotionally and the relationship can be living hell and you stay in for months or years - WAAAY past the point you should've left.
You don't think women have power that way? You think it's just a matter of walking away easily?
Florida nurse, 30, is found guilty of murdering his family execution-style after they demanded he get a job to repay the $200k he stole to fund an obsession with a Bulgarian cam-girl who was 'all that mattered' to him
- thousands upon thousands of men commit suicides over women each year,
- countless fights, wars and murders (even within family) have happened over women,
- billions of dollars (a billion is a thousand millions) are spent each year on porn, stripclubs, webcams, the entire sex industry (notice the slave on the photo who didn't even get to touch the woman),
- do I need to mention Belle Delphine and thousands of her slaves?
- countless families have been ruined, starting an entire tragic chain of events just because of a woman ruining the marriage (and the man - of course),
- millions of men spend years and thousands of dollars trying to "get the ex back", there's a whole industry around it,
- 100% of societies that loosened constraints on female sexuality, opening Pandora’s box quickly degenerated and fell apart. Natural female instincts are destructive to civilization as the following happens:
▪ 20% of men enjoy 80% of female sexuality as the Pareto Principle returns (this fact also explains why harems are so prevalent in human societies cross-culturally and throughout history)
▪ A large population of disgruntled, sexually disenfranchised men forms
▪ Humanity returns to a zoistic level of development as men stop making investments in society
▪ Zoistic societies display the lowest amount of mental and social energy, therefore the civilization dies
*There is no exception to this rule in 5000 years of recorded history - research here.
And much, much more pain that you can see all the time.
Remember when you're flying high yelling incels, incels, hahaha incels:
Kings, warriors and legends you can only read about have been destroyed by the wrong woman. Once a retainer defeats all cravings, abandons alcohol, shitty food, sugary stuff, all his old weaknesses, guess which weakness has the strongest pull in the universe? You guessed it, a woman.
So you better damn well retain, make sure the heart connection is there, the family and history check passes whatever you want and then go for it. This influences pretty much everything but the post is already too long :-)
In the end, I'd like to emphasize that these women are victims too. They almost always also end tragically and the high level ones are probably possessed. If you're an entity feeding on pain, you would want to get even more so in the long run the daemon starts to more directly drive the vehicle and use such a woman to do maximum damage.
Next post.
submitted by RebornInLife to Semenretention [link] [comments]

2020.08.11 09:12 ViciousMock I'm a camgirl and one of my clients is creeping me out (Part 2)

Part 1
I woke up in the morning, although I don’t know if I slept at all, and Karen brought me coffee. Like some of you guys, she was instantly suspicious of Carl.
“So all of this happens just as this amazing, perfect guy happens to show up in your life?” she said.
“It just doesn’t make sense,” I said. “Why would he call me a slut after I’d slept with him and carry on wanting to see me?”
“Psychos will be psychos. He’s probably playing some weird sick game and getting off on it,” she said. “I’m telling you, he’s too good to be true.”
I didn’t want to believe it, but I got a sinking feeling inside me. Carl called me a few times in the morning and I didn’t answer. What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey Carl, thanks for being there for me last night when I dropped this bombshell on you, but are you by any chance my stalker?’
The police showed up an hour after I called them, and came with me to my apartment. They are taking it seriously but people around here aren’t as… progressive as they are in some places.
“Is that like a pornstar?” one of the police officers said. He was grinning. I wanted to punch him in the face.
“No, I’m a… webcam model,”
“What, like you do fashion shows?”
I sighed. “Clients call me and I… perform sexual acts and speak to them in a sexual way. Or sometimes not in a sexual way, like in the case of Jason.”
“So you’re like one of those phone sex lines but with the video?” one of them said. He looked as though he was simply amazed to find out that this existed, and his face told me that as soon as he got home he was going to…. thoroughly research it.
“Is this even relevant?” I said. I was getting irritated. I had told them that someone had threatened me and they seemed more concerned with finding out the intricate details of what exactly I do on webcam. They rolled their eyes and exchanged judgemental looks with each other.
Their interjections meant that it took quite a lot of time to actually tell the story, and by the end, I was drained. They told me that they would need to take my laptop and were going to contact the website I work for to see if they can find out more about him. Then they told me that a team would come shortly to do a sweep of the house for any listening or recording devices.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse…
I was giving the officers a list of people who had been inside my apartment recently when the “sweep” team knocked on the door and I answered to see my ex-boyfriend and one of his colleagues and my heart nearly stopped.
If I ever thought I was going to bump into him, I’d have hoped it would be at the bar, when I’m dressed up and looking sexy, being all independent and having drinks with the girls. NOT when I was in too-big clothes that I’d borrowed from Karen before I left her house that morning, my face red and blotchy because I was being stalked by a client from my new camgirl business.
He didn’t let on to the police offers that he knew me and I was grateful that he remained professional. One of the reasons we broke up is because he was quite controlling and possessive and was constantly convinced I was cheating on him. I didn’t want to deal with him right then. Besides, the police officers would probably have a field day hearing all about it.
I know it’s common to want to be the one who is “winning” after a break-up, but when I looked at my ex and he looked at me, I definitely didn’t seem to be the one who was winning. He just looked at me with this awful pitying and disgusted look on his face.
They found three hidden cameras in the apartment. I’d known it was a possibility, and I’d suspected my webcam had been hacked, but the fact they had been planted in my apartment made me sick to the stomach. Somebody who had been here did this. My mind instantly went to Carl again but I pushed the thought out. He was on the (short) list of people who had been in my apartment within the last three months and so the police would investigate him as well as the others.
They told me they would look into whether they can find out who installed them. Apparently there might be fingerprints, or whatever other ways to track the person down.
When they left, they advised me not to stay at my apartment while they were investigating, so I grabbed some clothes, emptied Mr. Scruffles’ litter box, filled up several bowls of food and water for him, and called his name. No answer. That was weird. He always came running when there was food.
I called him again. No tapping of little claws on the floor. I tried to remember if I’d seen him at all since I’d gotten back to my apartment and I hadn’t. I started freaking out then. I went to look in his favorite hiding spots and with every place I checked, my heart pounded faster and faster. He wasn’t here.
“Could he have gotten out?” said one of the police officers.
“He’s an indoor cat,” I said. “And he’s old. He doesn’t go out and there’s no way for him to get out.”
My blood ran cold. They helped me search the apartment until finally, we had to accept that he was, in fact, gone. Rage rose up inside me.
“It was Carl!” I cried. “He must have broken in and taken him and… and…”
Words poured out of my mouth like vomit. I ranted at them about how it was so strange that he’d come into my life, so perfect, just as all of this happened. At this point, I was completely and absolutely certain that he was my stalker.
“Did you give Carl a key?” they said.
“No, he must have broken in,”
“There aren’t any signs of a break-in. Are you sure your cat didn’t just get out? You know, when cats are close to death, they are known to want to be alone and sometimes run away.”
I wasn’t even listening. I couldn’t breathe. Who would take someone’s cat? Why would he want Mr. Scruffles? What sick game was he playing?
A police officer took me back to Karen’s and told me that they would update me as soon as possible. They reassured me that they would question Carl, but at this point, I was so convinced that it was him that I was practically shouting at them to go and get him, lock him up and throw away the key.
It was only when I arrived at Karen’s house that I realized I may have made a mistake. When we got there, she was hysterical. She had left that morning when I did, to drop off her son at school, and take her husband to his hospital appointment. When she came home, she found a note stuck to her door, which said:
Pinned under the note was a picture of their son from the weekend at his football practice. Absolute horror and guilt washed over me. I had gotten her involved in this and now she was being threatened too.
Carl has met Karen but he doesn’t know anything about her husband or her son nor does he know where she lives. I don’t know how he could have found out and it was then that I had to consider that it may not be him after all.
“You can’t stay here,” she said eventually. She looked as though it caused her tremendous pain to say it. Her face was white and she was shaking. “I’m so sorry. I really am. That psycho might hurt our boy. I can’t…”
I understood, of course, I did. Would I really react differently if I was her? Karen and I have been friends for years and the last thing I wanted was to put her in danger.
I don’t know what to do or who to trust. I can’t think and I just keep going over everything in my head. I don’t want to reveal any details about where I am now, in case Jason somehow sees this, but I am safe for now.
Part 3
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2020.08.06 11:51 mariozamin123 Recorded sex webcams

How The Tranny Models Make Money?
There are several ways tranny models earn money. Such as,
1) Tranny Cam Streaming shows
Among tranny models, this is the most popular way to earn money. In streaming, you have to perform erotic acts online like stripping, masturbation, or sex acts.
You can also use the sex toys like vibrators, dildo or butt plug to make your webcam show spicier.
2) Private Cam Shows
In private webcam shows, there are limited but potential clients. It is a kind of paid service where clients paid you money to get one on one with them. In private shows, you have to perform according to the client's fetishes and demands.
The more you please the client by your acts, the more tips you will get. Remember, the ultimate goal of every Tranny webcam Streaming shows is to get clients for private shows.
3) Online Tips
The tranny cam models can also earn money with online tips. If she agrees with someone's demand during the streaming, she will get paid for that act or performance. The demand can be anything from masturbation to be topless or use a particular sex toy.
4) Selling Nudes
Selling nudes is another way to earn money. A number of clients prefer to buy nudes of their favorite tranny models. There are many portals and platforms such as snapchat or adult sites, where you can subscribe to get the nudes.
A client can satisfy themselves using these nudes while also keep them away from the fear of any STDs as they don't get in touch with the models.
5) Sexting
Sexting, also known as tranny sex chat is a new form of providing sexual pleasure to the clients.
Sexting is sending, receiving, or forwarding sexually explicit messages, photographs, or images, primarily between mobile phones, of oneself to others. These acts more often take place between lovers or cam models and clients.
In short, in sexting tranny models have to talk dirty and erotic with the client.
The sexting is a means to provide sexual pleasure and satisfy the clients' weird and raunchy fetishes.
Besides these top 5 ways of earning money, tranny models can also make money via selling pre-recorded videos, private videos or sex tapes, and selling goodies and stuff, etc.
Next, we will learn about how to be a successful tranny model.
submitted by mariozamin123 to u/mariozamin123 [link] [comments]

2020.07.25 16:38 heply2425JJul Recorded sex webcams

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2020.07.24 19:44 throwitallaway8787 Webcams recorded sex

This is a very long post. At the very least, I promise you an interesting story.
I'm really struggling right now, and have been for the majority of my life. If I keep heading down the path I am currently on, I know I will once again find myself in a prison cell, thinking about how amazing my life had been, and wishing I had gotten help before it was too late. I have already gazed once over the smouldering ruins of a life I had worked hard for, only to lose everything in one defining moment. I've risen from the ashes once; I don't think I can do it again.
As a first step, I just need to put the full truth of my behavior out there. I have never told anyone half the stuff I'm about to write here, not even therapists. I really just need to type it out, all of it; I need to see it. I'm not looking for a diagnosis from anyone, but maybe just some thoughts from those who can relate to what I've been going through my entire life. There are crimes mentioned here, but I have already been convicted and served time for every one of them, and I am not currently engaging in any illegal activity.
I am currently in no danger of harming myself or anyone else, unless you count consistently violating the trust of all the people I love. This will eventually lead to me ruining the life I've worked so hard for, as well as destroying everyone I love. This issue, in various forms, has been going on for almost twenty years - all of my teen years and adult life. I don't know what it's like not to be handicapped by this. Enough is enough.
1. Sexuality in my childhood and early teen years.
I grew up financially privileged household with parents who both supported me, and I believe did they absolute best they could. In terms of their treatment of me, I don't ever recall them being anything but supportive in every possible way. As an only child of well-off parents, I was spoiled, and to my memory I really never had to earn the things I wanted. I think that my parents felt guilty for reasons mentioned below, and buying me stuff was seemingly an easy way to make me happy, especially since they both worked full time. A series of full-time babysitters helped take care of me early on. To my memory they were all great.
My parents were constantly yelling at each other. Never any physical abuse, but the yelling never stopped between them. At best guess it was all financial stuff due to my dad buying any car or motorhome or boat or house he liked. I counted once that they split up at least ten times before I was a teenager, and I lived in over twelve different houses (in the same area) before I turned 18. I had normal childhood friends, but I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with the door closed; it was a safe space. I was a very fearful and timid child, and never took chances to do anything that made me uncomfortable. This lack of confidence was strong into my late teens, and was still present until my mid-twenties. I was nervous and anxious all the time, and my parents did have me in therapy various times for depression. It might be worth noting that I regularly wet the bed until probably age 8 or 9. I don't know how much a normal person remembers of their childhood, but I think I remember a lot less than average. I have no reason to think I've repressed any abuse.
I was always extremely well behaved, and never once had to be disciplined in school. I was quite literally never "in trouble". Growing up, I remember adults around me would constantly remark I acted and talked like an adult. The way other kids acted out was very strange to me. I started reading books by myself at a very young age. I was nice, fairly quiet, and unassuming. I guess the best way to describe me would've been "stoic".
I was fascinated with sex a very early age, and my parents gave me "the talk" sometime in elementary school because teachers had noticed my sexual behavior. I have no reason to believe I was ever abused by anyone during this time. Around age 11 I found a page of Hustler magazine underneath a sink in a local grocery store. I had never seen anything like that before, and can still remember exactly what the page looked like - full penetration, cum on faces, anal. Like I said I don't remember much at all from when I was young, but I remember this; it felt like something snapped in my brain.
At best guess, around the age of 13 or 14 I started watching several hours of hardcore internet pornography every night - binge sessions that would keep me up until the early hours of the morning. At the time I didn't think this was abnormal.
I often forget just how terrified I was of girls at this state in my life, because I am now very confident with women. But from puberty and into my early twenties I was painfully inept with girls. If a pretty girl talked to me my face would turn BEET red and I'd start noticeably sweating. With the few girls I felt comfortable with, I was a friend zone extraordinaire. Just like most male teenagers, I was extremely horny, and lusted after every single cute girl, but I never did anything with any of them...not even close until late high school, not even a kiss. Everyone I knew was having sex at 13 and 14 years old, and I felt like a total loser in this regard. Asking a girl out was simply impossible, let alone knowing what to do if they wanted to have sex. This was a constant source of crushing stress, and porn was a temporarily band-aid for the pain. I would like to know if this might be part of the reason I find the jailbait and ageplay stuff so exciting.
I did have one girlfriend for almost two years from age 18 to 20, but I had serious issues getting it up when we had sex. I think my brain was so used to the constant stream of porn every night that real girls were now just boring, intimidating, and a lot of work. She cheated on me, but I stayed with her because she was hot and she told me she loved me. Then we both went to college near each other, but she broke up with me like a month into the first semester via text. I was crushed and didn't get into another relationship until I was 25. Before my mid-twenties my level of confidence with girls was simply abysmal.
To the best of my knowledge, my movement outside normal pornography started during my late teens/early 20s with hentai, then into paying camgirls, then to making posts on Craigslist in all the personal sections, but mostly m4m because the people were real and looking. At some point later on I started looking at loli hentai, which I've recently learned actually appears to be illegal in the USA. This seems like a defining moment because prior to this I had no urge to seek out anything "young". The girls looked young in hentai, and it seemed at some point to just slowly progress to drawings which were meant to actually resemble children. It was a very long, slow, and imperceptible shift from regular porn to extreme, but to me, looking back, the path is very distinct.
I consider myself straight, and not even bisexual. But I also talked to hundreds of men during this period of time by way of the Craigslist personals section (probably age 21 at this point). Most I just talked to, and never intended to meet. I ended up giving blowjobs to two of them in cars, and I fucking hated it each time. I compulsively created and responded to these posts on Craigslist. I recently deleted that email account - there were literally thousands of those Craigslist emails.
2. Worsening compulsive porn use in my early twenties.
At this point I started venturing more and more into "deviant" porn. After a huge binge session I would finish and just sit there numb, wondering why I was continuously doing this, even if it was just regular porn. Shame and guilt hit me like a truck after every session, but when I would wake up the next day I seemingly forgot about everything, and just would go on with my normal life. Nobody realized I had any porn issues whatsoever, and from the outside I appeared as a normal dude, and really I didn't think I had issues. Every night was the same, and every night I ended up going to bed hating myself, but would be just blissfully ignorant come the next day.
It was like some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit where I would just transform into some slimy reptile at night, who had full control of me until he finished a smut binge session. And I'm always in the background, trying to get him to stop. I was "happy" at this point; I had tons of friends, and was liked by girls. Though at that time, a girl would have to literally throw herself on me to let me know she was interested. I was totally oblivious to any attraction toward me. A number of girl have told me in recent years that they had a huge crush on me, but I was just oblivious.
Also, I think I had this warped perception of sex because I had been exposed to thousands of hours of hardcore porn. I thought my dick was tiny and that I'd get laughed at. Also, no one had ever property taught me to care for my uncircumcised penis, and therefore I had phimosis at this point (unretractable foreskin). Sex with my one long term girlfriend was painful for me because of this, and it was just so much easier to jack off than deal with all this humiliation.
3. Things get bad.
Around 2009 Chatroulette and Omegle came out, which was a turning point. I found myself calling in sick to work to browse Omegle all day and night. Like eight or ten hours worth, which is sometimes what it took to find a girl willing to help you finish. There were girls who were definitely younger than 18, but I was so desperate for any sexual attention that I somehow convinced myself that talking to these girls was OK. "If they don't say they're under 18 then it's ok, right??" I didn't have a preference for anyone younger, but if some girl was willing to watch me, apparently I didn't really care what their age was. At the end of all these sessions I would think, "uh, what the fuck are you doing dude", followed by the normal torrent of shame.
The rational me is always there, literally begging myself to stop. I consistently participate in things I am ashamed of, all the while telling myself that what I'm doing is wrong and hoping that I can somehow stop myself. I feel like I'm down a dark well, screaming up at the guy who is in charge, but all he wants to is consume the dirtiest and kinkiest smut he can find; only after that will he let me climb out.
Which brings us to when I started looking at non-nude jailbait photos around the age of 23. I'm not sure when I discovered the "Newstar" and "Tinymodel" photo sets, but to that reptile dude in my head they were extremely exciting.
Historically, I have never had any intense sexual attraction to girls younger than me, and I have always sought out girls within my age range. But being honest, part of me loved looking at these pictures of young scantily clad girls. Vanilla porn was now just uninteresting, and didn't provide me the same excitement, and this jailbait stuff was literally like I had found a new drug. I loved it and I fucking hated it. I never walked around in public and saw young girls and thought "wow I want to have sex with her". It was all photo and video based. It was like the girls I was looking at online weren't even real people to me.
It was not long before I started seeking out actual underage pornography. I have intentionally searched for and masturbated to actual child pornography. I have never actually said that sentence to anyone, despite the fact that I was eventually caught and charged with possession of this shit. I only got into this stuff for a few weeks, but I fucking hate that I participated in it at all. A lot of it was just videos of young girls solo on webcams, but there were a few times I sought out, watched, and masturbated to girls probably as young as ten participating in sex acts with older men, presumably their fathers. I cannot un-see these images; I want them ripped from my brain, and for these kids to have normal lives. I want their abusers jailed for life.
After these binge sessions the shame was so great I considered suicide. I would go on binge sessions on the dark web, looking at whatever I could for hours, only to be met with the worst shame you could possibly imagine when I was done. I would lay in bed for days afterwards, not eating or drinking. I remember the thing that finally woke me the fuck up was coming across a video where a young girl was on camera and started to cry and looked at someone off screen and said "dad, can't we just play with legos?". WHAT THE FUCK. I have tears in my eyes just remembering this. How could anyone actually do something like this to a child? This is a real person.
Right then and there I broke down completely and sobbed my fucking eyes out. I felt completely out of control with my own actions, and though the thought of abusing a child disgusts me to my core, by watching this stuff I was supporting it. I don't want to fuck kids or young teens, so why am I watching this stuff? A few years prior to this I would have never considered looking at this stuff...what the fuck was happening to me? How do you even get help for this stuff? If I tell someone I'm looking at this shit they'll just lock me up. Instead of talking to anyone about what was going on in my own head, I moved 2,000 miles away from my home town to a town I had never visited before. I didn't even have a job lined up. Literally I hit rock bottom, panicked that the only solution was to fundamentally change my life, looked up the "happiest and healthiest town in America", and moved to #1. I'm now in my mid-twenties.
4. Moving away from home. Peace. Happiness. Misery. Police.
Initially, moving away from home did "the trick". I could actually call myself truly "happy" for the first time I think really ever, and I was healthy to boot. The possibilities in my life seemed absolutely without limit. I started working out and doing a bunch of stuff outside (rode my bike everywhere cause I didn't have a car). It was a mountainous town and I got involved in climbing, skiing, and everything else I could. I felt "clear" for the first time in decades, and my porn use pretty stopped almost completely. But I never dealt with the actual problem (and still haven't), and everything came back eventually.
I met a girl in the apartment complex one street over who I quickly fell head over heels for. We started hooking up, but it became apparent we wanted different things (I wanted commitment, she didn't), and I drove myself crazy over the next two years pining after her. I'd ask her to make things official, she'd run off, I'd date someone else, she'd get upset and sleep with me and tell me she loved me, then she'd start sleeping with someone else. We were in the same friend group, and she refused to let anyone know that we were intimate with each other. Eventually I just ended up feeling like a shameful secret. We were basically best friends who spent all our time together, and sometimes slept together. The story is long, and I think I'm at fault as much for not giving her space as she is for constantly vacillating between "loving" me and sleeping with other guys. Nothing was ever malicious on her end, but I think we were both a bit fucked up in our own ways, and eventually I found myself in a serious emotional decline. I felt hopeless and worthless; previously I had been filled with a newfound massive confidence, but now found myself just wanting to feel wanted. Before all the shit hit the fan I found myself sometimes calling her dozens of times in a night because I knew she was over some guys house. I drove around town looking for her car in front of dudes houses. I literally felt like I had lost my mind. During these times I had the same voice in the back of my head saying "uhhh, dude? this is fucked up and you need to stop".
Since moving to this city I had landed a great job with a company where I was well-liked and respected. I had tons of friends, and was like a goddamn social butterfly; I was always somewhere doing something with good people. I was so happy in almost every aspect of my life. I had been such a "scared" person my entire life, the fact that I was able to move here and succeed filled me with a confidence I had never experienced. If I could have just gotten my head out of my ass and focused on how amazing my life actually had become, I'd probably still be in this town.
But instead I dug myself into an emotional grave because the girl I wanted didn't want me in the same way, and I couldn't cope, or something. I had several other really fantastic women I was seeing on and off, ones who really liked me for me and would have been up for actual relationships, but they weren't her. In a very short period of time, towards the end of the two years of living in this new town, I got right back into the type of porn I ran away from. I started posting on Craigslist in multiple sections with both fake ads and real ads. I went from 0 to 1,000 with everything in the span of probably six months. I gave two more guys blowjobs, and once again fucking hated every second of both experience. I got right back into non-nude jailbait, and towards the end found myself on the dark web once again seeking illegal porn.
During this time I had posted several ads on Craigslist looking for actual women to sleep with, or really even just talk to; I just wanted to feel wanted. I never posted any ads actually looking for an underage girl, but one responded claiming to be 13, and against ever fiber of my being, I responded. We talked over the span of about five days, email and then through text. She complained about how all the girls at school made fun of her and she didn't have many friends and just wanted someone to talk to about "stuff". I seemed "cool" and "interesting" and she said she liked talking to me. We eventually talked about sexual things (this in itself is a felony), but fortunately no pictures were exchanged. Eventually the topic of meeting each other was brought up. I vacillated between thinking this was some old greasy dude in his basement, and thinking that I was actually talking to a young girl. This doubt gave me permission in my own head to talk to this girl. But also my own head was telling me "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STOP THIS." The thought of sexually talking to a 13 year old girl excited me, and I need to be honest about this. The idea of meeting up excited me as well. "She" tried to get me to meet her, but I did not make any attempt, and never actually set anything up. The rational voice in my head won out, and I stopped talking to her.
Right before I stopped talking to her I found myself driving down a long beautiful mountain road after work and Norah Jones's "Come Away With Me" came on the radio. It was so beautiful. All of a sudden it really hit me how fucking stupid I was in talking to this girl, but also how long I had been struggling with doing things I didn't want to do for so long, and how I just didn't know how to escape it. I pulled over to the side of the road and bawled my fucking eyes out. "Is this how you're going to find happiness, dude?" I just wanted to find someone to love and to love me back, to be in a healthy relationship for the first time, to feel "clean" and wholesome and proud of my actions and decisions. I didn't want any of this stupid shit I was now suddenly back into.
A week or so after I stopped communicating with this girl, five detectives woke me up at 6am banging on the door of my apartment. I was not under arrest, but they took all of my electronics and informed me that I had actually been talking to them, not to a 13 year old girl. I thought the life I knew was over (I was right), so that night I held a kitchen knife up to my arm. I thought of my parents and just couldn't go through with it. I've never seriously thought about anything like this since that moment.
I didn't hear from the police for about four months. I told my parents what had happened the day after the cops showed up, and how I had been struggling with pornography addiction my entire life, and it felt good to be "honest" (really I didn't tell them half the shit I had issues with, but even halfway felt great). I got a lawyer and just sat around for a few months waiting to be arrested, sitting with the severe anxiety of not knowing if or when my life is going to be totally destroyed by committing a sex offense.
5. Arrest. Conviction. A promise to myself.
They arrested me outside my home in broad daylight, two plainclothes officers driving an old shitty Honda Civic. If they had just told me to come to the station I would have turned myself in, but they got all theatrical with it, and called me and made up some story about how they were from my old apartment complex and wanted to drop off my security deposit at my house. To this day whenever I hear a car door shut outside my house, or see an unknown car park nearby, or even dudes in public who look like undercover cops, I immediately get a severe rush of anxiety in the fear that I'm about to be arrested again. I'll go from totally relaxed to severe paranoid paralyzing anxiety in a microsecond, heart beating out of my damn chest.
My arrest should have been a small blip in the news, but because of some other factors it would take too long to go into, I ended up on the front page of every paper and TV station in the state. Sitting in jail, I didn't know this until the next day. I remember sitting in the bond hearing court room, just staring at the line of media photographers in the audience with all their telephoto lenses, capturing my face to put it in the papers underneath words like "predator", "pedophile", and "sex offender"....and they did. My lawyer came in and just said some shit like "yeah, sorry dude, you are everywhere". It's a very unique feeling knowing that from this point forward, absolutely everything in your life will be different. Every relationship you have will be affected. Nothing will ever be the same.
I vowed right then and there to never give up no matter how tough the road ahead gets. I'm going to live a life I can be proud of; this will be my success story. Maybe I'll write a book about it, but it would be pointless without an ending I could be proud of and honest about. I will be the guy who, against all odds, moves beyond a criminal sex offense, and has people who love and trust him, and who can eventually look back and say "look at what I achieved". I've made great strides toward this life, and have worked my ass off to get where I am now, but the the mental issues which led to my eventual imprisonment are still inside my head, and I finally need to admit that I need serious help.
6. Finding happiness while everything around me is on fire.
My parents bonded me out the next day. Though my boss tried his best to keep me, the widespread news of my arrest and the fact that we were one of the most respected (and well known) general contractors in the area meant I lost my job. I was friends with over a dozen guys I worked with, always drinking some beers behind the workshop after a day of hard work. I was there fore over a year, building relationships, and I had started going out to bars and going over the bosses houses for family dinners. Save for the three main guys, I never saw any of them again. Though I did maintain a group of close friends who still supported me, the whole town now felt toxic. I decided to move back home. I flew back to the state in question probably 8 times for court hearings. What started out as my lawyer being confident that I would just get a few years probation turned into me fully pleading guilty to internet solicitation of a minor and possession of child pornography. I had I think five to seven nude images of girls who were under 18 on my computer, and one video. My lawyer dropped the ball several times when communicating / meeting deadlines with the district attorney, and the situation became way worse than it should have been. Under my lawyers advisement I signed a plea deal which meant there was no question I would get a prison sentence between 2 and 8 years. I did commit crimes and it is my opinion that I did deserve punishment for allowing myself to make disgusting choices. I mean, from the outside, I can see how I looked like a run-of-the-mill child predator. However, spending a few years in prison is probably the least helpful thing for someone in my situation, in my opinion.
While I was home fighting my case I was filled with a sort of "I have nothing to lose" confidence, and started taking any girl who would accept out on dates. I thought my friends sister was cute, so I asked her out. It took a good number of tries, but she eventually agreed to let me take her to dinner. We had a really great time. After a couple dates I was honest about the legal situation I was in, as well as my mental struggles. She was a bit shocked of course, but she had known me for a long time. She stuck around, and we had the most beautiful summer together before I had to fly 2,000 miles away to serve an unknown amount of prison time. She, as well as my parents, sisters, and friends flew out with me to the sentencing hearing. My girlfriend and I told each other "I love you" for the first time the night before the hearing.
We're still together, and she's been by my side through everything the past five years. I've never met someone who was so easy to be around. How I could ever get so lucky, I will never know.
7. Prison. Gangs. Solitary confinement. Making the most of it.
I was sentenced to four years in a medium security state penitentiary. The gangs pretty much run the prisons in this state, and you'll get immediately extorted by the gang which coincides with your skin color if they find out you're a sex offender. I stayed under the radar for a few weeks, but some gangs save newspaper clippings with sex offenders photos, and I got found out. They threatened to kill me, so I told the guards I was in danger; they agreed. I spent a month and a half in solitary confinement for my own protection. This was "the hole", a cell with no window to the outside where they never turn the lights off). I was eventually transferred to a different facility which was much safer, though one sex offender was murdered during my stay there. Prison could be a book in itself, but most of it was just groundhog day. It would be best described as long periods of mind-numbing boredom interspersed with occasional moments of sheer fucking terror. I was extremely fortunate to talk to my girlfriend every single day on the phone, as well as very regularly my parents, relatives, and friends. I had a ridiculous number of visitors, despite being a 2,000 mile flight and hours long drive through the desert away from everyone I cared about.
I had started taking mindfulness meditation classes after the initial search warrant was served. This habit continued into prison, and most of my month and a half in the hole was spent meditating. Solitary confinement can be maddening; you could occasionally hear guys screaming or crying in other ~60 cells in the solitary cell block. But honestly I've never been more at peace than how I was during those 45 days. I remember my girlfriend told me over the phone that she had heard that my ex girlfriend (long term one from when I was ~19) was going around telling people the news that I was a child molester. At first I felt panicked, because this firestorm of people I went to high school with "finding out" about me was totally out of my control. But then I came to the realization that that's pretty much how life always is, even if you're not a convicted sex offender sitting in the hole because the Aryan Empire wants to kill you. You could just be a dude minding his business, and then bam, you get run over by a bus. I can't control what people think of me, or the things they say, and that's ok. But I should be able to control which thoughts I turn into actions, and meditation helped me greatly in this.
At this new facility I eventually petitioned the warden to allow me to start a weekly meditation group. He allowed it, and they gave me a quiet classroom behind the library to use for two hours every Wednesday night. It started out with pretty much just me alone, maybe one other person occasionally. Within a few months I had about a dozen regular members. Everyone from sex offenders, to men who had murdered their wives and didn't quite know why, to ex gang members. Twice we had meditation instructors come from the outside to teach for a day. We meditated and discussed how to find peace in a place as abrasive as prison. I taught these men that their thoughts do not need to dictate their actions, and that they have control over their own mind, not the other way around. Focus on the breath, observe your own thoughts coming in and observe them going out. At this point my mind felt healthier than ever had before; I could "see" the thoughts which entered my head and choose to either pursue them or just send them on their way. Through daily practice (I meditated every morning and night) I was becoming a master of my own mind, but now I seem to have lost it all. I can't even bring myself to sit on my mediation cushion; I feel like someone is physically preventing me from meditating. I based almost my entire practice around a fantastic book called "Turning the Mind into an Ally" by Sakyong Mipham. Right after I got out of prison I heard that there were recent multiple credible sexual assault allegations against him. This destroyed me a little bit. Is anyone actually righteous?
I called the prison a few months ago. The meditation group has more members than ever.
8. I shall be released (but with an ankle bracelet).
I was paroled at my first parole hearing. Overall I spent about twenty months in prison, out of a possible 48. This didn't just happen; I have never worked so hard at anything. I participated in every prison program I could. I worked 40+ hours a week as a maintenance technician at the facility, as this is my area of expertise. I was well known and liked by dozens of guards, probably partly because I never caused a single issue. I was in three bands, and after I played a live show for the entire ~1,000 inmate population the gangs left me alone because they liked hearing me play guitar (pretty much the only thing I've stuck with for the last 15 years). I volunteered to give a ten minute graduation speech to a couple hundred inmates in a certain program. At this time, public speaking was at the top of my list of fears. I took every single opportunity presented to me an capitalized on it. Not just because I wanted to be released, but because I felt compelled to. No more being scared. No more fucking around. I am ready to lead a life I can be proud of, and it starts now, not when I'm released from behind bars.
Thankfully I was allowed to parole to my home state. I moved in with my girlfriend (and her mom), and we started looking for places to rent together, finding one in about a month. My parole office was amazing, and when I was eventually released from parole, after about a year and a half, we shared a good number of beers together. I can't tell you quite how good it feels to cut a heavy cigarette-pack sized ankle bracelet off after wearing it for 18 months straight. This was almost a year and a half ago now.
It was finally done. I was no longer a number in the Department of Corrections. I was free, free to build a beautiful life with my beautiful girlfriend. And I never watched porn again. Fairy tale ending.
9. P.S. - Nothing has really changed.
I started looking at porn probably two days after I got home. I tried REALLY fucking hard not to, but it just happened like I was on autopilot. It started with just me giving myself the excuse I could jerk off to some scantily clad anime girls, then moved to ecchi ("I mean, whatever, it's just nipples dude"), and then to hentai. In my head I'm screaming at myself, "DUDE STOP, GO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR ACTUAL HORNY GIRLFRIEND", while I'm loading up Pornhub in the bathroom. I was not allowed to look at porn while on parole, but they did not actually monitor anything or ever actually check my devices. I was allowed a smart phone and essentially unrestricted internet access. I passed all my drug tests, passed my polygraphs, and presented no actual problems to the parole office, so I pretty much totally fell off their radar. I had to take state-sponsored sex offender therapy, but if I had admitted to looking at porn they would've just sent me back to prison because it was a parole violation. So much for getting help with your biggest problem.
I tried to stop, dozens of times. At most I could go about two weeks without looking at porn, which is pretty much a world record for me. I felt fucking amazing during these periods. But whenever I abstain for a long period, something will inevitably stress me out, and I'll dive back into the sexual compulsion. Soon, I got right back on Omegle, and found a new thing to search for: phone sex. It's not hard to find a girl willing to have phone sex on there; much easier than finding someone to cam with. In the past eighteen months I've probably have phone sex with at least three dozen women. In my mind, and I'm sure in the mind of my girlfriend, this is cheating, plain and simple. Again, what the fuck dude.
But I'm not thinking of this when we're together. I'm just being me, and enjoying her. There's no present thought in my mind going "hey I feel really guilty about having phone sex with girls right before you get home from work". I love her, and I love spending time with her, and none of the shameful shit I am involved in even enters my mind when we are together. Though occasionally during sex I'll get hit with a wave of shame and I'll lose my erection and can't get it back up. "I'm just really tired", I say. Ugh.
Probably 6 months ago I started looking non-nude jailbait photography again. It always happens the same - I tell myself, "ok you're horny so just jerk off for ten minutes to some vanilla stuff so you can think clearly and after that you're gonna get a bunch of shit done". Two hours later I've still got my hand on my dick, I'm all flushed and sweaty, and I'm looking at jailbait pictures while I'm screaming at myself inside my own head...
"Stop. Please stop. Dude you know you don't want to be doing this. Is this going to be the last time? If you need to finish just do it but make this the last time. You can still stop. Go take a cold shower and just stop. Please. You know this isn't what you want. Please stop".
I just burst into fucking tears typing that because I've gone through that loop in my own head literally tens of thousands of times. I just cannot stop myself. There is nothing I want more in this world than to stop all of this.
It just keeps happening, no matter how many strategies I use to stop, I always find an excuse.
"Just do it this once but then never again."
"Ok you can look at porn but only 15 minutes worth."
"Ok fine, jerk off to some legal jailbait stuff, but make it quick, no endless scrolling."
"Well you're a fucking freak anyways, everyone think's you're a pedo, so fuck it, prove em right. You know you can't stop so just embrace it and enjoy it. Let's find the kinkiest shit possible."
And when I DO abstain for a long period, when I eventually relapse it's just 1000x worse. I'll end up doing like an eight hour binge and missing an entire day of work.
And it's getting worse. I'll talk to girls and guys over the phone via Omegle, and I've started asking guys to roleplay a dad/daughter or brothelittle sister fantasy with me. I ask if they want to roleplay that we're dads and have "hot" stories to tell about our young daughters. I get turned on thinking about talking about something this kinky, but I end up hanging up every time within like a minute. Like literally I've never even gotten close to "finishing" on one of these calls. Probably done this like 15 times in the past 6 months. The other guy starts going into his fantasy story and it hits me how fucked up this is and I hang up. I don't want to fuck kids...this is not a thing that is on my mind, ever. I do not go to the beach and think "hell yeah look at all this ripe young ass". Almost all of my friends have young children and I've never once thought of doing anything with them. In fact I pretty much avoid children, because I now project what I think other people think of me onto myself.
When I ask these guys on Omegle to roleplay occaisonally one will ask if I'm "active", aka actually molesting a child, and it makes me want to throw up thinking someone would want to hear about actual abuse. When I read a news story about someone actually raping a kid my face curls up in disgust, which I feel like is pretty much the "normal" reaction. Weigh that against the fact that a couple times in prison I got horny and started writing a few sex stories involving young teens. I never finished any of these stories, and shredded and threw them out halfway through writing all of them. Again, what the fuck.
I'm just waiting for the FBI to show up at my house. Isn't asking guys on Omegle, "would you be into a fantasy where we roleplay as two dads telling hot stories about our daughters?" a huge red flag? But I always tell them, "this is 100% fantasy, and I do not want to hear about anything real. I do not want to receive pictures or participate in anything actually illegal." If they say they have real stories I leave the chat / hang up immediately. Even though I'm not doing anything illegal, whenever I hear a car door shut from a neighbor, my heart races and I have to get up from my desk to check if it's the cops.
I also sometimes ask the phone sex girls on Omegle to ageplay as a young teens for me, and pretty much all of them have been happy to. Like 15, 14, 13 years old, whatever they're comfortable with. Why do I want this? Why is there such a disconnect between what I find disgusting in real life and what I "want" to fantasize about? If I could pay someone my entire life savings to remove the part of my brain that harbors this desire to fantasize about the idea of sex with young girls, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I do not and have not talked with anyone on Omegle or on the phone who says that they are actually under 18; at least prison taught me the lesson to never talk to an actual young person ever again. Maybe in some peoples opinions the ageplay thing is acceptable and nothing to be ashamed about, but I do not want it as a kink of mine. It brings me serious, crushing shame for days after I participate in it.
Is anyone else like this? I just want to stop feeling like a freak - I just don't want to feel ashamed anymore.
Shame really seems to be a constant theme of my sexuality throughout the years. Even after normal sex I feel a bit of shame. I've always had serious shame amount my body, especially my genitals, but even with just taking off my shirt. My parents were always open to talk about sex, and to my memory never did anything to instill shame in me when it came to sex. But stepping back it almost looks like the things that I find the most shameful are the things I'm most likely to seek out.
Post too long, last two chapters have been posted in a comment.
submitted by throwitallaway8787 to mentalhealth [link] [comments]

2020.07.19 22:31 throwaway26565995982 Recorded sex webcams

Hi everyone,
I don't know why I picked up today to tell this story, it's been a while since I've been thinking about it though. Today I'm a 24yo man, I'm generally happy with my life and I think I know myself very well, but from times to times the shit that happened years ago resurfaces to haunt me. I also feel like online abuse is not often talked about on reddit, perhaps because it's not viewed as being as impactful as physical abuse.
When I was around 10 I joined an online forum to talk about a passion of mine. I was promptly welcomed by the most active members of the forum, including Pedo1 (age ~35). He started chatting with me in private the very day I joined, and offerred to send me gifts and such. It was great to have a lot of friends so suddenly ! The guy even called me "little brother" and shit. How cute.
I'd say from an adult perspective the nature of Pedo1 was pretty clear from the start, he asked about sexually related topics, if I masturbated and also gave me the addresses of porn sites. Because I thought that was normal to talk about such things, I talked about my sex drive with other members of the forum. This will be important later.
One day he introduces me to his "cousin" who is coincidently a girl of my age, I chat with "her" and we start "dating online". Strangely enough I always showed myself on webcam but "she" never did. One day she asked if I could show my genitals on the cam. I'm not sure if I did it once or multiple times but I know it didn't feel right at the time. "She" showed me hers through her avatar picture, which I thought was strange, why didn't she just send it to me ? And why through her avatar, like all your contacts can see it, no ?
In the mean time the life on the forum goes on, one time we meet IRL with other members, as I'm young I'm with my mother and Pedo1 hosts us. He shows me some porn vids, nothing unexpected from him considering the discussions we've had.
At some point I ask to "the cousin" of Pedo1 if we can phone each others because I find it really strange at this point. Nobody calls, as expected. "She" later sent a mail to say that her parents promptly made their family relocate for some reason (seriously ? that's the best excuse you could come up with, you shitbag ?). I knew all this was bullshit so I stopped talking to Pedo1. He later sent a mail saying he missed me, coincidently once again his "cousin" mails me something similar from the very same IP address, which is the one from his work.
Well I'm not entirely sure why, I guess I missed the forum and all that (home was a shitshow so this was a good escape), and came back at some point. We invited Pedo1 to come spend a few days at home once. I guess it's around that time that Pedo2 (age ~50) joined the forum. He had quite a strange personnality and didn't really share the passion the forum was about so people didn't like him much, but I became friend with him. One time he invited people from the forum to his home, nobody came except Pedo1 and me (my mom trusted him at this point, I think I was 12 or 13). Fortunately for me, they didn't do anything to me but both acted weird as fuck (mostly Pedo1), being extra gentle with me. Very creepy few days. I talked about the story of Pedo1 to Pedo2 and he made me accept what happened, so going back home with Pedo1 was very weird at this point.
After Pedo2 talked about it to the admin and some of the more active members of the forum. Since Pedo1 was an important and beloved member of the community, and since Pedo2 was not liked much and I was a weird teenager talking about my sex drive to other members, they more or less came to the conclusion that I made up the fucking story and decided to ban Pedo1 and 2, and me.
I continued to chat a lot with Pedo2, just like Pedo1 he talked about a lot of sexual stuff, wanted to know when I masturbated and he masturbated as well at the same time. Even said shit like "oh you didn't wait for me ?", he always wanted to chat late til the very minute before I went to sleep. He even wrote fucked up fictions telling the story of boys masturbating together, thinking about their middle school teacher. He was generally very manipulative, I hated being controlled like that but didn't want to deceive him. One time we went to his home with my mom and while she was asleep, I was playing video games in his living room and he was trying to force me to give me a foot massage. After I repeatedly say "no" he finally stopped, probably fearing that I would wake my mother up if he went on. That's the only occurence of physical contact he made with me, and that's already too much. I remember him breathing deeply and having a lewd look in his eyes.
When I was 14 I started being fed up with his shit and decided not to reply to him. He tried to phone to my house but my mom usually told him I wasn't available (I didn't really explained what happened to her). He tried to make contact by mail a few years back but that's it. Never heard about him or Pedo1 since then.
Well that's the end. I hope at least one person will read it entirely, as expected I indeed lost myself into details. That's a story about adults being immature, stupid, abusive. People who never got their shit figured out, neither the pedos nor my parents who failed me. My father who was the only one who had a working internet connection at the time and never monitored any of the shit I was doing, or tried to tell me to be careful. And my mother who's been so freaking oblivious to all what was happening right before her eyes. Like, seriously ?
Pedo1 and Pedo2 are pieces of shit of human garbage. I think I was not the only one to be abused by them. As far as I know they're still completely free and now that I think I am strong enough I'd like to do something about it. I don't know if Pedo2 did anything illegal, but Pedo1 certainly did and I'd bet he recorded everything and still got it on his computer. I don't know where to begin though, I don't want to involve my family in it.
Anyway, thanks for reading, if you went through the whole story.
submitted by throwaway26565995982 to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]

2020.06.09 07:23 scamythrowaway4578 Recorded sex webcams

I'm going to give the full rundown of what happened:
So I had matched with a suspicious profile on a dating platform,
we chatted a bit, then we switched to instagram. She then asked me to join her on hangouts. We chatted a bit more, then she video called me.
Straight away it was sexual, and that girl started trying to get something started. I watched, because I was horny and she was hot, but then I tested if it was actually her by asking her to do things such as turn around and reply to my questions, which she did. Then she kept asking me to join in the fun, and I knew it was most likely to record me. I actually started recording her pre-preemptively.
Anyway I keep asking for her real identity, and to actually meet up because when it comes to sexy videos the internet is full of them. She said ok but show me your junk first. I asked her for other ways of doing it, more secure, such as sending stuff via telegram. Of course she avoided the whole thing. I then sent a picture of me in my underwear, no face showing, hand inside my trunks grabbing my junk, because I figured that this is safe and even if it leaks, it's not too bad.
She video called me again, and she went all in on the show, doing exactly what I wanted. I cut my video feed, she did too, I told her I needed time to prepare, and that I did not trust her; she said ok don't show your face then (it was in this moment that my very horny brain went full stupid). I changed location in my apartment, went on my bed, removed the bed cover so that it was just a plain white sheet left, removed my bracelet, put on a face mask just in case, and aimed the webcam down so that my face would not show at all.
She kept doing what I wanted and I had my hand inside my underwear, moving a bit. She kept asking to see my actual junk, I told her no that's enough let's meet in person now I'm not doing cyber sex and not showing my face in it, and I would not be speaking, just typing (I have not said a word). I moved my hand to write a bit and I a bit of penis showed, she immediately typed show me everything. I adjusted my trunks to hide everything completely again, and she had this annoyed face and switched to a first video of me when we were chatting non sexually (so just my face, different video, different background). Then the team (I suppose it's not just the girl, someone must be doing the recording etc. in the background) sent me the usual blackmail message : we have a video of you masturbating, we have your facebook profile and will send to your friends.
So far I was stupidly smug, but then they had my real facebook account, which they most likely found from my instagram account. And they had one friend, I think because they replied to one of my instagram posts and they probably have their facebook account linked in some way. The scammers sent a message saying we will post it to your friends now!
I just replied yea sure, go ahead, have fun, and stopped replying. I went to deactivate my facebook and instagram accounts, check what my full name (which they have) gives out on Google, then went to close or deactivate the few accounts that show up (empty Twitter, empty Pinterest, and I unlisted my LinkedIn profile which was already set to not show anything to strangers).
About 10 minutes later, the scammers sent I WILL DO IT SOON, and I just took screenshots of various stuff just in case, then deleted the conversation.

I do feel very stupid, as I started "safe-ish" but I've let the horny get the best of me even if I did not show my face or anything identifying me in the sexual video. I do have a 10 minute video of a hot woman doing my bidding out of it. I have not information to track them down and report them unfortunately. I don't feel too anxious, but I'm a bit worried they will send the SFW video of my face + NSFW video without my face or identification to that one facebook friend, because it's an aunt, and I would hate to have to explain anything to her. If it was a friend I would have no issues though.
My current excuse, if they ever do anything (which I doubt), is either say that it's not me on the video (no face, nothing to prove it's me) or that I met a girl before the covid lockdown then cyber sexed during the lockdown, then broke up with her and she's now gone psycho. I save face this way, and since I don't have anything to report the scammers, I think that's fair.
I plan on re-activating my facebook and instagram accounts in 30 days.

I just wanted to share my experience so that other scammed people could relate, and mostly to let go of my remaining anxiety : do you think I'm safe-ish despite being pretty stupid? Would you advise I do anything else other than what I have done?

EDIT : So it's been 24 hours now, I have not received any contact or emails whatsoever, and I assume nobody in my circles received anything (they don't even have good footage anyway)
For others, I have to add that when I asked the girl to send me pictures via other means, even just a picture sent in google hangouts, she kept refusing saying it's risky. I find it strange that this team goes all the way of creating dating profiles, and using a ?prostitute? to chat with me, but categorically refused to send me any other kind of proof. My take on it is that they are covering their tracks as much as they can, which leads me to believe they would very unlikely send anything to anyone if you have not shown you were willing to bargain/pay, as this is an unnecessary risk for them. Samewise, they wrote for me to NOT end the hangout call (which I did instantly after I told them to go ahead and share the footage) because I'm pretty sure they wanted to show them beginning to write messages to facebook friends and starting to upload to youtube, for the added mental pressure. Without any leverage (Call ended, conversation ignored, no signs of fear) I think they just went back to online dating to match the next victim.
submitted by scamythrowaway4578 to Scams [link] [comments]

2020.05.19 17:04 fawnandfoe Recorded sex webcams

Hi all! I have been lurking on this sub for a couple weeks now. Just trying to find some solace and maybe some advice.
Here's my story: (28) HLF married to (29) LLM for 7 years. We met online and were long distance for a few months before I moved to live with him. I have always had a high libido/sex drive. I always thought it was an asset, so to speak, since you always "hear" of girls not wanting sex often or begrudging sex with their male partners. On the flip side, you always "hear" of men lusting after their partners and being turned down. So it was a shock for me to be in this kind of "predicament". Never having a problem in my past relationships, or being turned down for sex.
So, red flags started in the very beginning of the relationship but I chalked it up to us having to be intimate via webcam and also him being upfront about not being a social media/internet savvy person. For example, I would try and sext him, so to speak, and would get not much in response. He is, I have learned, a very social awkward person and was pretty sheltered in his childhood. So, nothing seemed weird to me still because I just assume he is awkward and not comfortable with sexting, which is totally fine.
Some background info for us both; I had had 3 previous sexual partners. All what I viewed as serious relationships (at the time anyways) for a person under 21 y/o. He on the other hand, had apparently had one sexual partner when he was 17/18 and it was a girlfriend at the time, and they had sex a grand total of one time. ONE time for a boy at that age. Still, no judgement. But a red flag...
Now I won't say I am completely innocent. I have some really bad codependent issues I am trying to work through stemming from childhood trauma/emotional abuse. So I have done and said some unsavory things. Probably hurting the relationship. But not to say things weren't already well established at this point. A few times I grilled him about maybe being gay as he seemed to have no interest in having sex with me. This was after we had tried to go through all other possible reasonings; depression, testosterone levels, etc. I always asked whether he may be asexual or somewhere on that spectrum. He has vehemently denied either of these possibilities stating he definitely WANTS sex. I also thought it was strange that he could never give me ONE celebrity crush. Like years later it popped up again and he could sorta name a couple all of a sudden. Just weird... again going back to the "asexual" thing. Or what other term on the spectrum is someone who is only sexually attracted to someone they are deeply connected with? I feel I've come across a term like that.

Back to the main story here: so I moved in with him, but he lived with his family so any reason not to have sex would be understandable as they live in a small house. I remember thinking though, that once we lived on our own it would be better and more frequent.
Fast forward about 8 months and we got our own place. And... well as you can imagine things did not get better and they got really bad for a couple years (relationship wise). The topic about sexual frequency crops up again every few months and I have gotten to the point where I am just fed up and realize this has just been a constant cycle. Literally the same things happen every time. I have a talk with him about how the frequency is not enough for me. He blames it on his anxiety, or possible depression, or stress, or not exercising enough. And promises he will change things up and promises to go see the doctor. He may see the doctor and get blood work but never get the results or have 20 reasons why he couldn't go to the doctor this time. He always has some reason why that exact time in our lives is super stressful for him. Everything is super stressful for him. I think he has a hard time handling responsibilities and just being a grown up, really. But idk how more I could help him without enabling him. And yes, he has even promised multiple times to get therapy and guess what, it never ends up happening. I asked him recently about testosterone levels and he said he DID have them tested in the past and they were normal (although idr this, so idk when this was).
I honestly think he is depressed. He has little drive, sexual and otherwise. And he has a hard time just being in the moment and even being happy.
Of course that's something that can be fixed and worked on, or he could try medication but the biggest issue is he never follows through with any of these things. He recently told me I can't keep bringing up the past and judging him on it. But, that is literally what I have to do. Because it is his track record... and not a good one. It is a record of showing that he always says he'll do this or that or change and never does... how can I NOT bring up the past when he hasn't shown me anything different?!
I love him a lot and I want to help him but I just see this cycle continuing over and over again. I told him I want to separate and see how things go when we focus on ourselves. He can deal with his own crap and be an adult and I can have some space. We could even try dates and actually make carved out time for each other. We never got to really date like a normal bf/gf.
But honestly... I don't see things changing.

EDIT: I am so sorry for the novel!
submitted by fawnandfoe to DeadBedrooms [link] [comments]

2020.04.19 05:47 iEatGary Recorded sex webcams

Hello, I made a reddit to share this disgusting display I just witnessed, and to bring awareness to this problem. I hope someone will come across the stranger I did and take a picture of the poor child in the video and report it to authories. This is seriously disgusting.
For the last couple of days me and the boys have had a bit of fun visiting Chatroullete to laugh and crack jokes. Doing so, I came across someone displaying a disgusting video.
I will not go into detail, but while with this stranger they were using their webcam to film a phone screen showing a video of child porn involving a toddler performing oral sex on an adult male.
Of course, I immediately disconnected as soon as I was able to make out what I was seeing. Unfortunately, I am aware there is probably little that can be done about this, but I seriously hope something can be done.
The child in the video was young, probably around 3 years old. I am unsure whether they were male or female. In the video the child was wearing a red shirt, and had short, thin hair.
Again, I will say the stranger was showing a recording from a phone. Other than the video, the rest of the webcam was black darkness.
I never thought I would come across such a thing in my life. I am absolutely disgusted, shocked, and disturbed. People like this should be taken down instantly.
Unfortunately, I assume the same people that post here on chatroulette are the same people that show their dicks 100% of the time. Meaning that they could easily miss something like this and let it slip by. Please be on the look out for this guy and others like him.
Such a shocking thing to witness. I wanted to throw up.
submitted by iEatGary to ChatRoulette [link] [comments]