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2020.09.26 18:22 pm_me_ur_demotape Listen up, tards, Hallyion wheel is free money.

Start at open on Monday by selling a cash secured put(s) with 10/9 exp. Look, it can only do 3 things: skyrocket like SPI, stay flat, or tank cause people think it could be a scam.
Possibilities: Skyrockets immediately - Make a decent chunk of quick money, but miss out on becoming a millionaire because upside is limited. Who cares, gainz is gainz. Stays flat - depending on what strike price you choose, you make a very small amount of money or break even. Tanks - You get assigned on the 9th (well, 10th I guess since these things close out on saturdays), then start selling covered calls which will still work out because there isn't: a Hindenburg accusation, a Trevor Milton/his bro, SEC investigation, DOJ investigation, truck rolling down hill, or a dude in cutoffs and cowboy boots. Plus they have actual trucks driving around and backing of real companies (Goldman Sachs, Agility, Penske, Ryder). And it will also just be a decent company to own long term.
Choose your strike based on how much you can afford to buy if assigned and how much upside you want in case it blasts off.
That's all, if you think this will go tits up you're a tard who hates free money.
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2020.09.22 13:34 Theartofme4now (STORY) Bicurious Erotic Fiction (but how I wish it were nonfiction)

Forward: I've written this is a first personal narrative with the target audience being a female. In my perfect world, I would write this, she would read it and her response would be something like...hell yes. Let's do this! I hope you enjoy it.
Just a Day at the Beach
We took the day to head up to Tahoe and find a secluded section of beach on the East Shore where we could relax, get naked and maybe have some fun in the sun if the privacy and conditions were right. It took some time and we had to hike a bit, but we finally found a nice piece of sand that was tucked away amongst some large boulders that would give us privacy from any onlookers.
We found our spot and spread out large beach towels out on the sand and took a look around and were very happy with our little paradise tucked away in the cove. I looked around and said, "well I don't know about you but I'm opting for no bathing suit today and I hope you're feeling the same way because you know how much I love to look at you." You replied with "Ditto...there is no way I'm getting any tan lines today." At this I caught by breath a little as I started to undress, first taking my shirt off and tossing it aside and then pulling down my trunks revealing my semi-erect cock. You glanced over and said "Wow - you really do get turned on at the possibility of us doing just about anything don't you." I laughed a little and watched you undo your bikini top and let it slide off of your shoulders and then toss it aside on top of my clothes on the side and then slide your bikini bottoms off and kicked them off as well.
After taking you in with my eyes, I walked over to you and gave you a long hard kiss and squeezed your ass and breasts just a little and asked you if you wanted to go for a dip. You replied with a "Sure - let's go cool you off before you get too carried away". We slowly walked out into the water and swam out to some rocks where we stood up in the water and made out a bit while we let the sun bathe us in the chilly water. Before too long we could hear boats getting closer and we figured we'd better get back into our spot if we wanted to keep it private and secluded. We made our way back to our towels where we laid down on our backs, eyes closed knees slightly bent and facing up to the sun. As we were laying there we could hear one of the boats getting closer and heard a couple of voices from one of the smaller boats. We glanced up and we could see an older, but good looking couple looking around and the wife had a pair of binoculars scanning the shoreline and shallow waters for a place to anchor the boat to get ashore. She caught us in her view and said "sorry about that - just looking for some open beach - looks like you two found the perfect spot." Then she followed with "do you mind if we join you? That water in front of your beach there looks to be pretty free of rocks and we can get the boat up fairly close without anchoring it out here." I looked at you and said, I don't mind if you don't, they probably can't stay long since they have a boat - they'll need to leave before too long and get back to the boat ramp they launched from." You replied with "sure - the more the merrier." Which was followed by a coy smile that made me blush a little.
I shouted back, "Sure - come on in." So they started to angle their boat towards the beach and before long they were close and I got up to help them pull the boat up on the sand while the husband pulled the motor up so it wouldn't get caught in the sand. "Hi, were Dan and Dotty - up from South Lake Tahoe. Do you mind if we go nude too?" Not at all you replied as we watched them disrobe and put their swimming clothes on the boat seats" Diane was older, but had great curves, gorgeous tits and shaved pussy and Dan was built with a good Dad bod, tanned and looked to have a pretty nice, thick and trimmed cock. They stepped off the boat with their towels and walked over and we said "Hey - we're Art and Jessie." "We just came up for the day to get away and enjoy some of this warm weather and get rid of some tan lines and perhaps have a little fun so we hiked around a bit until we found a nice spot." Dotty replied with, "well shoot we hope we didn't ruin your fun - but this does look like the perfect spot." "not at all you replied, we're happy to share the space, but I will warn you we may get a little naughty in a bit so hopefully that doesn't bother you." Dan replied "oh hell no, you two look great, we will try not to gawk too much unless that's okay." We all laughed a bit and laid back down on our towels and were just chit chatting about this and that.
After a little bit you could see I was slowly starting to get hard and saw the same with Dan and knew that we must have had sex on the brain. You piped up with "Hey Dotty, not sure how you feel about this, but I've been watching Art steal glances at you here and there and I'm not going to lie, I've been checking Dan out and I was wondering if you'd like to suck Art’s cock and perhaps let me suck Dan's?" At this my breath caught and I heard Dotty reply with, "well thank god, I thought you'd never ask. I can tell Dan's been getting excited looking at you. Why don't you two gentlemen come on over so we can get a nice look at those cocks while we kneel here back to back and have some fun."
Dan and I walk over and you both immediately take our cocks in your hands and slowly start to stroke them and then take them in your mouths. Dan and I are in heaven as we reach down and feel yours and Dotty's tits while you hungrily take our cocks in your mouths. This goes on for a bit and I and so fucking hard and it is getting me so fucking turned on listening to Dan moan when you slurp his cock in and out of your mouth so I pull Dotty's head harder and faster into my cock and really enjoy the rhythm of the motion. As Dotty pulls back to catch her breath, I say "I've got an idea....one of craziest fantasies I have is to be able to look into Jessie's eyes while another man is entering her from behind and fucking her. I know we've only just met, But I'd love to see Dan slide that thick cock into Jessie and slowly make her pussy his. How's that sound?"
Dan said "oh fuck, are you sure - Jessie is that okay with you". You replied with "fuck - I thought Art wouldn't even bring it up, but truth be told since the moment I tasted some of your precum I've wanted you inside me." Dotty replied with "OH I love it - but only if Art fucks me as well. I'd like you two guys to take us doggie style so we can make out while you're fucking us. Sound good to you Jessie?" You replied with "oh yes."
Both you and Dotty got on all fours and started kissing each other. I then said "okay baby - look me in the eye right when Dan starts to slide himself into you...I want to see the ecstasy on your face when he does it." You stopped kissing Dotty for a moment while you looked over at me and Dan knelt down behind you. He gently spread your ass open revealing your extremely wet pussy as he guided his cock into you. He looked at Dotty and said oh baby, she is so wet..." At that he slowly slid his cock into you and you bit your lip and his entire length disappeared into you." Once we has all the way in you said "Fuck....Dan, don't be goo gentle, make sure you fuck me good and hard I need to cum all over your cock." At that Dan started to slowly and firmly pound your pussy and you moaned in kind. I immediately slid my cock into Dotty and before long Dan and I were fucking you two nice and hard while every once in a while you two would kiss each other, fondle one another and talk about the cocks inside of you. While we were fucking Dotty said "see baby, I told you they would be a fun couple to hang out with....and you didn't think you'd get to fuck her sweet little pussy." That made me so hot because that meant they spied us and had us in their sights from the beginning. Dan started fucking harder and harder and you responded by bending all the way over and putting your head on the towel to fully give yourself to Dan and you asked him "to fill your pussy up with his cum." Dan responded by fucking you harder and deeper and started groaning "fuck....I'm cumming....I'm cumming.....and you felt stream after stream of cum erupt inside of you." This sent me over the edge and I started filling Dotty full of cum too. There was moaning and gasping between the four of us as we all started cumming....then Dotty said fuck.....I'm cumming too...and you replied.....YES...fuck...more...MORE, I'm cumming.
After a few more minutes of everyone letting their orgasms subside, we all sat back on our towels and took in the afterglow in the warm sun. We kept chatting about what just happened and how Dan spotted you in the water and instantly had his mind set to having you. While we were talking you looked over at me and saw me staring absentmindedly at something and started to smile...which led to a wicked thought.
"Hey Dan, Dotty......this might be a little out there, but I've a favor to ask if you are both game." I look over at you and wonder where is this going? You continue..."Art has always wondered what it would be like to suck a cock and I've just caught him staring at Dan's - right honey." "Oh shit I reply.....well......yes.......I um.......well he does have a nice cock and actually the thought that struck me is that right now it's likely still covered in your juices and his cum......but I'm not sure I'm ready for all that just yet." You reply with - well baby, if Dan and Dotty are okay with it, I'll show you how to suck his cock and if we're lucky we can get him to cum for us." Dotty replied with....."oh Dan.....that sounds hot - what do you want to do?" Dan then replied with "well, why not....I've always wondered what it would be like to have a man suck my cock. On one condition....well...favor as well. Can Dotty record it with her camera phone? I'll want to look back on this often I'm sure." You replied with "sure - just send us a copy as well."
Dan stood up and stroked his cock a little and it was almost fully erect again. We walked over and you had me kneel down with you and said "first things first.....let's make sure you clean his cock off completely....his load was large and I can still see cum on his balls and there's bound to be some of me on there too." You lifted his shaft up and started licking his balls and without thinking I did the same thing - almost ravenously...taking full licks. After we had his cock all cleaned off you started showing me how to take his shaft in my mouth and stroke it back and forth while sliding your lips over it....then you said ok, your turn.....so I started doing it too and it caught me off guard when Dan grabbed my head and said "oh fuck.....you're a natural....fuck....keep going...." We kept taking turns and we heard Dotty holding the camera shutter as she got herself off watching us.
Dan then said....fuck.....I'm about to cum. At this you replied with "okay, this is the fun part....since this is your first time, we won't worry about swallowing his load just yet, but we will do the next best thing. Look up at Dan, open your mouth, slide your tongue out and you and I will wait like this for him to give us whatever he can...all over our faces and mouths." Dan started stroking hard and faster and Dotty said "shit honey, he looks really cock hungry....make sure he gets cum drunk." Dan didn't need any more coaxing...he started breathing hard and grunting and the first stream shot over your face, the second right into your mouth. Then he turned his rod towards me and shot a stream on my face too and then he took his cock and pulled my mouth into it and said....okay....now take as much as you can.....and so I did....I let him use my mouth and he shot the rest of his load in my willing mouth.....when he was done you grabbed my face and said....perfect - now KISS ME. And so we did.....we kissed long, hard and passionately as his cum was filling our mouths and running down our faces.
Dan stepped back and told Dotty that THAT was amazing........and Dotty agreed that it looked pretty great. You and I sat spent on the towels still kissing. Dotty and Dan said they had to get going, but wanted to get together again sometime. You and Dotty exchanged numbers so we could get the video too and then they went off back to the boat. As they were pulling away and waving I looked at you and said thank you....that was amazing.....I owe you everything. My happiness is all because of you. You pulled me close, hugged me and said "lets go relax on the towels a little. Hey - what did you think, did you enjoy it? Was it as good as you thought it might be?" I replied with, yeah - that was fucking hot....no wonder you like sucking cock so much.....and I have to agree....having him cum in my mouth was pretty sexy....it felt great knowing how hard he was getting off to it." You walked over to the towel, knelt down and got on all fours and put your face on the towel, reached back and spread your ass open revealing your ass and pussy and said "well, if you're still thirsty most of his load that he pumped into my pussy ran down my pussy and onto my ass.....could you clean me up?" I instantly knelt down and spread you open and began licking and kissing your ass and pussy masking sure I got every last drop.
------------------------------------------------------
I would love your feedback. I've one other I'm working on, but I think I went off the deep-end with that one so far.
submitted by Theartofme4now to BisexualMen [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 18:05 arealdumbidiot Spying tits

So dumb it will probably work USD is going to R.I.P. - but not before it RIPS shorters a new asshole
I believe stonks are setup to shit the bed at least in the short term
And people will hoard USD during this period of uncertainty just as they did in March
And just because I see so many fucking $SLV post today FED has a money printer but not an automatic inflation pump Deflation will fuck your wife way before any serious inflation shows up
The play:
Ride USD up and flip into different assets before it goes all the way tits

DD:
Everyone here thinks this is a bad play (so we inverse)
Also, I'm your wife's boyfriend

THE COLORING BOOKS:

DX using it's hulk dildo to break above a lot of resistance

US500's ~5-month support is breaking down and otw to shit the June peak
Positions:
$UUP $26c 10/23 (you may want to go longer date/lower strike on $UUP tbh - I'm really autistic)
$SPY $305p 10/9

tldr:
USD breaking resistance - SPY support failing - do not buy metals yet


Godspeed
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2020.09.20 21:31 GroundbreakingRich15 Tits spying

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2020.09.20 09:33 Foreign38Apartment Spying tits

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2020.09.18 02:31 finanhelp Spying tits

Good Lord!

submitted by finanhelp to TheBoys [link] [comments]


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2020.09.08 18:59 horrorhelpsmydreams Spying tits

So the WP itself was removed because it had the potential to generate NSFW replies. The prompt was basically "Benedict Cumberbatch Softly kisses you and you realize you are in a fanfiction". I probably found it a lot more funny than it was, and I made a reply:
What... the fuck? I mean, why? Yeah, he's hot, but the man was married and I don't fuck around with unavailable people.
"What is wrong my dear, you're more important to me than crampets and tea!"
Did... did he just call them crampets? Am I in some fanfiction or something? I look at the man before me, who now has a monocle for some reason. And a red cloak.
"I'm going to take a hard pass on this." I say, backing up slowly while raising my hands.
"But you are my passions! The light of my apple! The tonsil of my eye!"
"Yeah, no." I replied. "Not fucking happening."
The face of the man before me turned angry, petulant.
"This isn't how it goes!" He yelled, pounding his fists on his knees. "Benedict Sherlock Strange woos the fair maiden!"
I continued backing up until I found a door. Keeping my eyes on the man slowly morphing in front of me, I opened it and exited the room.
"Where are you going!?!?" He screamed as I closed the door between us.
As I began running, the screams of a petulant child echoed down the halls.
"Moooooom! She's getting away! She's ruining it all!"
I don't know how I got into this situation, but I sure as hell was getting out. I bundled up the skirts I was wearing, and ran down the halls of the strangest building I had ever been in.
Have you ever read a fanfiction story? Especially one written by some fairy-loving adult woman who never matured past twelve? It was all "sweeping halls" and "towering ceilings''. Rooms branched off of it randomly, as if someone had dropped them there because they needed that room for one scene. Someone who ignored that they now had a kitchen between a ballroom and a sitting room, with a door that connected the two but not the kitchen.
What I'm trying to say is that MC Esther would have either loved the place or sued the creator for infringement. If it hadn't been obvious that it wasn't intentional, I would have been impressed.
"It's that Iron Serlock Simpboy is it not!?!?" Yelled the man down the hall. "He's trying to take you from my moist besom!"
The spelling and grammar was physically painful. I stopped and looked around. Fanfiction. Fanfiction. This wasn't my world, I needed to think along their lines. Spotting an overly ornate grandfather clock and a pair of giant vases, I got an idea.
There is no logic in most fanfictions. They're drivel made up by rabid fans to share with other rabid fans. They don't make sense, they have no connection to reality. They can be quite like a really bad nightmare. However, they have tropes. They have rules. They follow bad plot lines. Like a secret passage in a grandfather clock leading to the villain's lair.
I ripped my skirt, opened the grandfather clock, and shoved the fabric in the door. I then stripped and put the dress in one vase and hid in the other. It was stupid, it shouldn't work, there was only the one hall and the freak behind me should be able to see. But it did work, because reasons. I held my breath as the man approached.
"Where has the sweet maidon gone? Ahha! I spies a clue! The clock? Whatho! A secret passage! Never fear my dearest heart! I will avenge thee!"
I waited a few moments before crawling out of the vase. As I poked my head up, I saw someone that almost looked like Robert Downey Jr. and froze, expecting more insanity.
"Great, are you a real person or another one of those freaks?" He asked, voice nothing like that of the person he portrayed.
"Real." I answered. "Are there any real clothes here?"
"No." The man snorted. "Though you could probably get away with dressing up as a stable boy. Everyone will pretend they can't see your tits."
I got out of the vase.
"I take it you don't know the way out?" He asked.
"Nope, just woke up here. Kissing the fake Bendydick Cumbersome."
The man shuddered.
"Yeah, been there. The guy running this didn't know I wasn't always a woman. Freaked out when he put his hand up my skirt. Been stuck in trousers since." She replied.
"Oh. Sorry."
"Don't worry about it. Just help me find a way out." She replied grouchily. "The longer you're here, the more you start talking and acting like him"
I felt fear rush into my breasts. I then actually felt chills because people don't feel fear in their tits.
"Let's go."
submitted by horrorhelpsmydreams to HorrorHMDMusings [link] [comments]


2020.09.03 19:40 nopedotavi69 Spying tits

Recalcified Brick Wall (Spy)
Tits and Clits (Medic)
Glasgow City Guard (that's a pretty good weapon name. would fit in pretty well with the demo's other weapons, right? well guess what! it's for Soldier, Pyro, Engineer, and Medic)
Insignia of the Condor Legion (Demoman)
My First Rifle (Soldier)
Onomatopoeia (Medic)
Fire-o-matic (Soldier, Pyro)
Screaming Muffler (Pyro)
Spy Sweeper (Engineer)
Knucklehead's Small Rifle (Heavy, Medic)
Suicide Bomber (Soldier)
submitted by nopedotavi69 to tf2 [link] [comments]


2020.09.02 16:51 SloppyEyeScream Alexa; Play Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre!

Hello! I originally posted this at entitledparents. However, a lot of people seemed to really enjoy the read so of course they took it down without reason. I know it is long, but people expressed they were glad they read the entire thing, and loved the plot twist! I hope you enjoy the read. Cheers!
TLDR: Karen Accused My "Heathens" of Waking Her Child; Now I Wake Him on Purpose!
My crib-midget has evolved into a min-human, and my mini-human is now in an adult male body which is, unfortunately, still outfitted with a teenage brain. Don't worry though, he knows everything! I myself have a late-30s model body, but my teenage brain is coming along well. That said, my loving wife is still able to maintain her sanity with 2.5 boys and .5 male adults in the house. However, the house was too small and we needed more leg room. We decided to move on up!
The new house is everything we wanted. There is ample room for the growing family. The boys would conquer the upstairs, and even have their own bathroom to grow "science experiments." They occasionally fail to brush their teeth but you can most certainly count on them to piss in/on everything except the toilet. Cake, my 11YO mini-human, shares my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and keeps his room in working order. Kelly, my 15YO Man-Child genius? Well, just don't touch that sock under his bed. Typical boy-shit I suppose.
My wife and I now had a backyard. We had a two-car garage to store her Christmas and Halloween decorations. The neighborhood is gorgeous, and I can literally walk to the clubhouse and play a round of golf. The cul-de-sac we live on is dominated by currently serving or retired military families. Everyone was extremely welcoming at the Home Owners Association (HOA), and the neighbors were all friendly. Well, at least for the moment!
I have read about neighbor horror stories. I have seen them on television. I never in a million years thought I would live next to "them". I am a gunfighter by trade. Believe it or not, I don't like war. I like my job, but I don't enjoy the carnage of war. I am a realist though. I would totally cast my ballot for World Peace; but I know it only takes one asshole to ruin it for everyone. My immediate neighbors became those assholes.
Enter the Entitled Parents: Kevin and Karen. They seemed nice at first. They were both really helpful, especially Kevin. Kevin had served in the Air Force, and Karen was a stay-at-home mother. They enlightened me regarding the neighborhood, the quality of the area schools, and told me the tips and tricks to avoid any hassle with the HOA. Fucking great, right?
Coronavirus (COVID19) Zombie Apocalypse
The onset of COVID19 forced the school district to cancel the remainder of the school year so the boys didn't turn into zombies. However, the mass hysteria allowed my humanoids to become semi-professional Fortnite gamers, whom smelled like ball-funk, and survived on soda and Zebra Cakes. They were quickly becoming chubby-bunnies. I, being neighborly, informed Kevin and Karen that I would be in the market for a portable basketball hoop to combat childhood obesity and Type II Diabetes.
Side Note: I remember shit. It can be quite literally a matter of life or death in my occupation so I remember things vividly!
OP: Pleasantries, some other words, "I am thinking about getting a basketball hoop for the boys."
Karen: That's great. It's so good to have young children in the neighborhood again.
Kevin: You know you can't put it in the street right? It is against HOA rules. (Kevin is a rules guy!)
OP: Well-aware. I will be putting it on the back pad.
Karen: That's great. If the ball ever goes over the fence just tell them to come get it.
Awesome! It was a positive interaction, and they had no issue. Onward to Walmart!
My children are well-behaved. They may act like little shit-heads to each other and inside the house, but they are both kind and courteous to others. Despite Karen's instructions, I told them to knock on the door if the ball ever goes over the fence. So they did.
First Bounce-Over
My Door: Knock. Knock. Knock.
OP: Hey Kevin. How can I help you?
Kevin: (Annoyed) The ball went over the fence.
OP: Did the boys knock and ask to get it?
Kevin: Yes. I just wanted to let you know.
I spoke to my wife afterwards. "That was odd," was all I could think. Is the guy going to let me know each time the ball goes over the fence? Maybe I should knock on his door? "Hey Kevin. Just wanted to let you know that your car is parked in the driveway." This process quickly became a routine for Kevin; Kevin became a self-licking ice cream cone. Kevin came over six times over the course of about three months. My wife began keeping tallies because it was odd and, but somewhat comical. Then shit started to get real.
Cake came running in the house scared. He had tears in his eyes, and he was continually reiterating, "I didn't do anything wrong." Nobody has accused me of being "Worlds Best Dad" so I was wondering if he did in fact do something wrong. I forgo waterboarding Cake, this time, and ask what he is talking about. Cake stated, "Karen is recording me." What? I look outside and sure-as-shit, I see Karen, at the fence, and pointing her cellphone at me as if it was a loaded gun. I think, "well fuck my tits," because I know my wife is going to lose her shit. She did!
My wife is dainty, but she quickly turned into a 4'11 Muhammad Ali. Man, it took every fucking ounce of verbal reasoning for me to stop her from physically rearranging Karen's face-meat . In addition to remembering things for work, I have to be well-read regarding the laws that govern me as an American, and the locals laws. I knew Karen's tactic to scare and record Cake was immoral and unethical, but it was perfectly legal. This didn't sit well with my wife though. I reminded the wife that I have a doctorate in revenge from Fuckery University (FU), and this would not go unanswered. I can be a prick too, but I am a methodical prick.
I did my best to erect makeshift barriers as a temporary solution. It was not perfect, but at least it showed that we were doing everything in our power to prevent balls from going over the fence. I also submitted plans for a permanent structure to the HOA. I was going to build a hanging herb garden wall, but it required approval before construction could start. The typical approval timeline was two weeks, but in addition to shitting on earth, COVID19 also shit on the approval process. I was in limbo. Tragically, another basketball fell victim to the senseless violence. It was the ninth basketball in approximately eight months. The kids were terrified to ask for their basketball back, and it wasn't even worth the hassle anymore. That didn't stop Kevin though.
Ninth Bounce-Over
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Ken: OP HOME?
Wife: Yes, but he injured his back. How can I help you?
Ken: Get OP please. (I should mention that Kevin is outwardly sexist and is not a fan of "coloreds".)
Wife: Kevin, OP, can't even walk right now. How can I help you?
Ken: The basketball went over the fence again. It needs to stop. They need to stop playing basketball. (He was now telling my wife how to parent. Good luck buddy!)
Wife: I am sorry the ball went over the fence. We continue to tell the children to be careful, but I am not going to tell them they can't play basketball in their own yard.
Ken: You'll tell your boys to stop playing. If the ball comes over the fence again. We are calling the cops! Tell your boys to stay out of our yard. They're trespassing!
Wife: If you want to call the cops then you go ahead and do it. However, the boys DO NOT go in your yard at all anymore.
I was losing my shit in the bedroom. I could hear the conversation, but I physically could not make the front door. I managed to slide off the bed and began my Army-crawl to the door, but I was late. My wife was fuming and I was pissed, and pathetically crawling on the floor. Yay back injuries! We had no intention of starting a war, but the boys were doing nothing wrong. We had informed Kevin we were getting a hoop, and they had zero issues with it. What the fuck was going on?
Tenth Bounce-Over
The cops are called! The OP CITY Police Department (PD) sent two cruisers. The children may be 11 and 15, but all be damned if they don't go down without a fight. One cruiser was not going to suffice, you'd better send two for my miscreants. I just sat in my garage man-cave and watch it all play out. The cops go to the neighbors house first. They are there for more than a hour and I can only assume we are being painted as horrible neighbors. Oh well! It is now pitch dark outside and I was startled by the time an officer approaches.
Officer John Kimble: Hello? Sir!
OP: Holy fuck! You scared the shit out of me!
Officer Kimble: Sorry, Hi, I am Officer Kimble with OP CITY PD. How are you doing this evening?
OP: Typically I would say fine, but I don't typically have a cop in my garage.
Officer Kimble: I understand. The reason we are here is because the neighbors called about trespassing. Now, they said nobody went in their yard today, but they want you to understand they will press charges next time.
I was baffled. I did my best to maintain my composure, but I am certain my face was screaming, "Are you fucking serious?" Officer Kimble then pointed at his body camera and mouthed, "Recording," and then gave me a "thumbs up" gesture. I immediately ceased the opportunity to fuck with him. Sorry, it's in my nature.
OP: Do you want another beer? You can't just drink one!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) WHAT? I didn't have a beer with you.
OP: (Laughing as well.) I'm kidding, and we are fully aware of their intent to press charges. I will be sure to do my best to prepare my boys for the rigors of prison life too. I think jail will be good for them too; may even toughen them up a bit!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) Okay Sir. I just want to ensure that you are aware. Ideally, we would like to see neighbors talk things like this out, and not call the cops. Unfortunately, this is what it's come to. I just want to ensure you are aware.
OP: Tracking!
Officer Kimble: You have a good evening Sir.
OP: Thanks.
Officer Kimble then walked back to his patrol car. He didn't leave though. I assume he was just finishing mundane paperwork, but he was there for at least 20-minutes. Then, much to my surprise, he returned, and was a completely different Officer.
Officer Kimble: Hey man!
OP: Back for that beer?
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) NO! Sorry man! I have to play the game for the body cam.
OP: I hear you. I occasionally wear one at work, but it only cuts back on my cussing. People still get shot!
Officer Kimble: You Army?
OP: Yup!
Officer Kimble: Cool. What do you do?
OP: Shoot fist, shoot often, and have my story straight before the cops arrive!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing ) I figure as much after looking at all your stuff here. I just wanted to talk to you without the camera. They really seem eager to press chargers if your children are caught in their yard.
OP: (Laughing.) My wife and I have concluded that.
Officer Kimble: That lady is bat-shit crazy. My God! She demanded we arrest your children tonight!
OP: Tonight?
Officer Kimble: Yes! She said they trespassed before, and she wanted to press charges now.
OP: (More laughing.) I am sorry you have to deal with this brother. I really am. I can ensure you that they have never gone in their yard without permission. Not once. They are terrified of her. She taunts them from the other side of the fence and records them. Seriously, they are scared of her. We now chalk the balls up as a lose.
Officer Kimble: I believe you. There is something not right with that lady. She said the basketball wakes her son up, and she will not hesitate press charges. I told her we would do our duty, but I don't think the magistrate will not view the situation kindly if we arrest two children for playing basketball. She clearly does not care though. I just wanted to chat with you, and without the body cam. I can't exactly call her crazy while it is running.
Officer John Kimble stayed for another hour. He was impressed with the collection of war memorabilia and the setup of my garage man-cave. He was specifically intrigued with my Nintendo and working copy of Mike Tyson Punch-Out, among other classics. Yes it's certainly fucking cool, but it has little to do with the story.
SHIT, MET FAN!
My wife was mowing the grass, and I was currently doing shit I never thought would be a priority of mine; planting a new flowerbed. Kevin and Karen had just returned from another Chick-fil-A run. Then the unthinkable happened. Kevin exited the car and immediately approached me, and he was angry.
Kevin: Your boys went into my yard and got a ball today. They may think we didn't notice, but we did. You need to tell those boys to stay out of my yard or...
OP: Wait a fucking minute! I don't tolerate people who lie, cheat, or steal, and you are lying right now.
Kevin: Your boys were...
OP: We were at an all-day soccer tournament in DIFFERENT STATE. We have only been home for a couple hours. They have not played any basketball since we have been home. You're lying!
Kevin: Well, we are sick of them getting balls from our yard without permission.
OP: Look Kevin, I get it! However, you fail to recall when your wife said the boys were more than welcome to go in the yard and...
I didn't even get to finish when I heard the screech of Karen. I know my writing style is "different" to say the least. I wish I was better. I do not have the words to accurately articulate the sound Karen made, but I will do my best. It was like the tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park making love to to a nuclear explosion during a tornado, but way fucking louder. The only thing that honestly makes this worse, and I fucking kid you not, is that she is a dead ringer for Carole Baskin (Tiger King.) Not "maybe a little," but more "Holy fuck Carole Baskin is your neighbor" type of resemblance.
Karen: I NEVER SAID THAT. I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.
She screamed at the top of her lungs a mere inches from my face. I could smell the Meow Mix bellow from here scream-factory. Meanwhile, Kevin pulled a fucking Houdini and vanished. Kevin is a passive-aggressive asshole and direct confrontation scares him off.
OP: Yes. You did.
Karen: I NEVER SAID THAT. YOU'RE WRONG.
OP: Whatever. It's not even worth it.
Karen: I AM SO SICK OF YOUR HEATHENS GOING IN MY YARD. YOUR HEATHENS BETTER NOT GO IN MY YARD AGAIN OR I WILL HAVE THEM ARRESTED. I KNOW THE LAW.
The, "I know the law statement," really rubbed me wrong. I was about to open my mouth and respond by my wife was on her like stink on shit, which led me to believe Karen is louder than a lawnmower. My wife was still seething about Karen recording the humans.
Wife: They don't go in your yard, and they are good children. They are not heathens! You better STOP RECORDING MY CHILDREN.
Karen: Oh shut up. You guys are white trash. Your children play in the street and run around the neighborhood like criminals. They broke my mulch too.(Yes. She said they broke the mulch.) Everybody knows you're trash. Just. Stupid. White. Trash.
I am now thinking, "Oh fuck," and semi-worried about Karen's future health as an active participant of living humans. I think my wife wanted to expire Karen's shelf-life.
Wife: Excuse me? My children never play in the street, you're recording them, and...
Karen: Just shut up! YOU'RE STUPID. YOU'RE JUST PLAIN STUPID. I CAN RECORD THEM IF I WANT. NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE JOBS
Wife: I HAVE THREE ADVANCED DEGREES. WE ARE WORKING FROM HOME. WE ARE NOT...
Karen: You are! YOU'RE TRASHY AND STUPID, AND BOTH YOUR CHILDREN ARE STUPID.
I had enough. There was no point in arguing either. Mark Twain stated to, "Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." Mark is correct, and Karen was trying to drag us down. Well, I don't know why, but I remember something that Kevin discussed with me when we first moved in; the fucking trees!
They have a large maple tree, and they have a juniper tree. Kevin always told me they were "in the process" of contracting a company to crown and lift the maple tree. Furthermore, they were going to get the juniper tree off my fence. Dear Reader, I know the law too. I can legally trim anything that goes over my property line. Now all those pointless conversations were making sense. It was my time to join this exciting game called pettiness!
OP: Karen. You have until Sunday to get your juniper off my fence.
Karen: Shut up. I told you we were going to get it handled this fall.
OP: It's June. You have until Sunday
Karen: Or What?
I allow my wife to rejoin the conversation, and I retreat to the garage. The I grab my clippers, and prune a good couple inches of the juniper tree, and lay them at her feet. Cue T-Rex fucking a volcano voice!
Karen: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? I TOLD YOU IT WILL BE DONE THIS FALL.
OP: You have until Saturday now.
Karen: You are dumb too. Just like your wife aren't you?
My intelligence may have been debatable, but I suppose it was time to repeat the process?!? I now return with about two feet of tree, and place it at her feet. I am like Mo-mo-McFucko of fuck-fuck lady!
OP: You have until Friday!
Karen: You better not touch my tree again. I will call the cops and have you thrown in jail tonight. You're so dumb aren't you? Now I see where you children get it from.
OP: I know the law too Karen. I will be back in a minute with some more of your juniper tree!
Karen: KEVIN. KEVIN. KEVIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!
I again return to the tree. I now have another two feet of juniper tree to place at her feet. The more she screams the smaller her tree becomes. It was an enjoyable game of cause and effect. Meanwhile, I see Kevin and Kevin Jr running like Usain Bolt to secure their tree with tow straps.
Karen: I hope your happy. You are terrible people! You are both terrible parents, and your children are heathens. I am sick of ball bouncing and waking my son up too. You people need to move. Your just horrible parents. HORRIBLE. (Screaming louder) HORRIBLE PARENTS.
Dear Reader, I had enough. I was at critical mass; I was going to explode. Karen continued to yell at my wife and I was zoning out. It was comical to watch Kevin and Kevin Jr secure the tree to their porch in order to get it off the fence. Once complete, they quickly made their way back to the one-sided screaming party.
Karen: Horrible parents. Look with they did to my poor tree.
Kevin: I think we should call the cops dear.
Karen: HORRIBLE PARENTS! I feel sorry for your kids and...
OP: Just shut the fuck up! I raked up 21 bags of leaves this past fall. Twenty-One. Funny, because we don't have a tree in our backyard. I pulled an additional bags worth of leaves and branches from my gutter. Not from "my tree" either. It was from your tree. You know what Kevin? I didn't bitch. I didn't knock on your door an complain.
Kevin: Yeah, and?
OP: We live in a suburbia. This shit happens. They are kids; kids fucking play outside! I don't want the ball in your yard either. You accuse of them of being in your yard. You also accuse them of "BREAKING MULCH". How in the fuck do you break mulch? Are you fucking serious? Really?
Karen: Yes really. Maybe you should learn how to parent your horrible children.
OP JUST FUCKING LOST IT (WAIT FOR THE SURPRISE!)
OP: Know what? That's the last time you question me about my parenting. My children are going to grow up and be productive members of our society. I find it comical that you have the audacity to question my parenting seeing how you have a (WAIT FOR IT) a 49 year old son living at your house for the past nine years. I assume it was because of the divorce and the bankruptcy he filed nine years ago? My children are waking your child up? Your child is a jobless 49 year old man living at home with mom and dad. Is he working on a startup? Prestige Worldwide maybe? Boats and hos!
Karen: (FUCKING BAFFLED) How do you know any of that? DO YOU GO SNOOPING THROUGH OUR MAIL TOO?
OP: I am good at what I do, and I found everything on online. I know you are 69, and lost your license due to reckless endangerment charge in 2017. I know Kevin Jr has 5 different moving violations and one DUI. I also know he was fired from his grounds-crew job with the HOA. I know your husband is 72 and wears the same fucking shirt everyday, so I can only assume that laundry is not a priority. I know your phone numbers, and email accounts. I know a lot of shit about you. YOUR CHILD IS 49 AND LIVES AT HOME. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PARENTING AND LESS ABOUT MINE! We can have a civil relationship or we can have a war. Just remember this though, I AM GOING TO FUCKING OUTLIVE YOU!
They stormed in the house. They were not happy or impressed with my ability to figure shit out. It was not over for me though. They fucked with the wrong fuckhead. They were unaware of actions I took to keep the peace. For example, I never let the boys play basketball while they were outside eating dinner. I didn't let them play before nine or after seven. I tried. But they would play blare country music and enjoy the gorgeous weather an eat a meal. I never bitch about Garth Brooks on volume 100 while I watched the national news. I was teleworking, and I took fuckery up as a part-time job now.
I have wrestled since I was four years old. I was never much of a basketball guy. I am now though! Karen and Kevin had just sat down to enjoy their meal. I don't have to spy either. I can easily see them out my french doors as I watch the national news. I patiently waited for the sloth-speed fuckheads to get their outside dinner setting perfectly situated. I could hear Tim McGraw playing when I opened my french doors. I like music too, so I figured I would get my groove and play basketball.
OP: Alexa (Amazon) play Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre.
Alexa: Bleep and Bleep by Dr. Dre.
OP: Alexa. Volume 10
I have a new fondness for rap music and the game of basketball. This didn't stop Karen from recording my "heathens" on a daily basis. I know what I was about to do was petty, but I had zero fucks to give at that point. I had one last fuck you. It was my final card to play; an Uno Reverse Card of sorts!
My neighbors, across the street, and my family have bonded. He had a tree removed last week, and I had an epiphany. How much would it cost to trim a large maple tree that overhands my property? I am not talking a couple branches either, but more like one half of a more than 100 foot tree. I approached the tree removal company an offered them a sizeable chunk of change and informed them of my delicate problem. They said, "any friend of MY NEIGHBOR is a friend of theirs." Pro bono!
They move their large equipment over to my backyard and take their time getting ready. Guess who came running out of the house? No. Not Brad Pitt. Fuck. Get your shit together Reader. Karen and Kevin came running out.
Kevin: Hey buddy! (Buddy. Not fuckhead. Not horrible parent. Buddy!)
OP: What can I do for you?
Kevin: What are they doing here?
OP: Oh. Them (Points)?
Kevin: Yeah. What are they doing?
OP: Oh. Well, they are going to trim the tree?
Kevin: Just trim?
OP: Yup. Just a little trim!
Karen: You know that tree was a gift from our daughter right? We don't want anything drastic. It has been with us for over forty years now.
Kevin: Yeah. It was a gift from our daughter. How much are you thinking about trimming?
OP: Well. Just so you're aware, you understand that I can legally trim anything that overhangs my property? I have approval from my lawyer and the HOA to trim it. Frankly, I care as much about your tree as you do my children's privacy; I could fucking care less!
Kevin: How much are you talking about trimming then?
OP: My property line is here (I point) and it extends up (I point up) to space. I am going to trim every single branch that encroaches my property. So, probably about 1/3 of your tree. It's gonna look really fucking funny when I am done. Oh well.
Karen started to cry. It was a really, really ugly cry. There was no more rage left in her. She was defeated. Kevin was defeated as well. This was not my desire. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if she cried, but it was not my intent.
OP: Or YOU CAN STOP RECORDING MY FUCKING CHILDREN.
Karen: (Looking like snot nosed Carole Baskin) If I stop recording?
OP: Look. We don't have to like each other, because I certainly don't fucking like you guys. My boys never go in your yard. Ever. I don't give shit if you keeps the other basketballs, but I will be damned if you fucking record them ever again. If you do, I will cut your tree down without warning.
Kevin: (PISSED) Thanks bud.
OP: No worries friend. I am just trying to be neighborly. Just remember. I am dead serious about the tree, and I am pretty certain I will outlive you.
Dear Reader, I know I am a prick. I know we were both in the wrong at times. I draw the line when a 69 year old women sees fit to torment my kids. We have only had one problem sense these events occurred. Kevin Jr's car sat in the same spot for nine months. I have submitted over 20 home improvement request to the HOA, and I am now friends with the wonderful ladies that work there. They periodically inspect neighborhoods and noticed the registration on Jr's vehicle was two years outdated and had it towed. Karen accused me of having towed. We had another colorful conversation, but it ended there. Kevin Jr. is still jobless to this day. I assume he has managed to erect a bunk bed in his childhood bedroom. He has "so much more room for activities." Just make sure you don't touch his drum set.
This is not my typical story, but I hope you enjoyed the read. Cheers kind humans!
submitted by SloppyEyeScream to neighborsfromhell [link] [comments]


2020.08.31 17:09 MansA31Aug1l Spying tits

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