Uncharacteristic hot and cold behavior such as telling you they miss you, but backing out of a follow-up, could be a sign your ex is attempting to dishonestly keep their options open. Giving you just enough to keep you from drifting off in a new direction, but not committing to action, is perhaps the most common sign of a game being played. Whack Your Ex is a fun game where you can take revenge on your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Romantic relationships rarely end with a little bit of the ultraviolence. Whack Your Ex is here to remedy that. Feel like commemorating your break-up with some cartoonish brutality and over-the-top savagery? Pick objects and see how and who gets to whack whom in gruesome and violent ways. Dan Bacon Dan Bacon is a dating and relationship expert and the creator of Get Your Ex Back Super System, a video program that teaches you the fastest way to get your ex back.Dan is married to the woman of his dreams and has been helping men succeed with women for more than 14 years. While in your head you might be telling yourself that you just want to catch up for an hour or two, you might subconsciously want something more. ... That said, remember that even if your ex ... 1. Did you ever love me? 2. At any point, did you see yourself spending forever with me? 3. Did you cheat on me? 4. How many times? 5. Why? 6. Did you talk to your ex when you were with me? “Accidentally” your ex winds up at the same place as you – Again and again. Pointer Four. Nonchalantly, the friends of your ex happen to mention the fact that he’s not seeing anyone. Eeek-How convenient. Pointer Five. If your ex is commenting in your social media, he still wants you inside out. Having a meal together sparked the most jealousy, with dinner being the hardest to deal with. Basically, if you want to play it safe, catch up with your ex on Facebook. If you want to have dinner... Then, your ex texts you asking to catch up. You figure, what's the harm, right? Wrong. Here are eight reasons you should let your ex stay in your past: 1. You left for a reason. Whack Your Ex lets you get out all your anger and frustration. Whack and insult your ex as much as you want. Use the items available at the bottom of the cartoon as weapons. In this game you can either whack the ex-boyfriend or the ex-girlfriend using a wide range of brutal methods... Alternatively, whack your computer, or your boss... The most extreme and hurtful head game is when your ex flaunts their new rebound relationship in front of you. I understand how pitiful and selfish this behavior is. It is just an attempt to bring you down and flaunt their new "upgrade."
2020.09.16 09:43 scorpianag Nudist girls beautiful
Why do I keep waking up in the middle of the night. What are these images I can't get out of my head. Is this really jealousy or is it just selfhatred, some type of self torture. Did I do the things I did because I felt like it or did I do it to match up with her.
You were looking at pictures of me flashing you, but all I was seeing were the better pictures of her. The ones you took. Why did you have to say "where's the naughty smile" for public nudity. I know damn well she'd smile naughtily for you when exposing her body. The fancy dress or that time at the beach. Did you also buy it for her.
Why do I feel like I'm playing catch-up, desperately. I'm competing with everything I saw and heard of her and I'm losing. I'm not a natural. Sorry I don't have the naughty smile you asked for.
It's not fair. People say these relationships end after the strain of seeing porn and intimate captures with any ex. Let alone with a reddit nudist so many were drooling over or sending presents to. Because if you didn't get her those lingerie sets she modeled for you, someone did. Some stranger saw her body and thought it so beautiful that they must frame it in pretty lingerie. Mine is just not like that.
You say we're so much better together, yet all times we shared a hotel room you didn't bend me over the sink to take your Nikon and capture the scene.
Why did you have to repeat so many times how much you like messy sex hair and fluffy curls. I'm not blind. Her messy sex hair was always something you featured in her nudes. Mine is just not that good. The length and style you've asked me to have, it was exactly her length and style when you took all those pictures.
I wish I didn't notice these things.
Is this really jealousy or is it self-deprecation. Self-hatred. Self-sabotage. I'm not the one that needs to hear "you're the hottest girl of all". When you repeat it to me I know it's, for starters, a gross exaggeration. I know it's not true because it's simply impossible but why do you try to convince me so much when I never cared to be the hottest slut.
I was fine before. I don't know what I am now. Women are already too hard on themselves. They keep saying this is an impossible return journey. They count and cut their loses. But that's not what I want. I just want to go back to a time before I learned anything about her.
But that'd be hard wouldn't it.
Her watch, her socks, her snacks, ice cream, the lube you shared, the branded shopping sprees, the Disney app telling you you're going with her and her picture in there, her venmo user picture every time you'd pull the app up to pay me, the nudes on your phone, the countless pictures in your bed with your sheets and the same bedframe, the Valentine's day letters...
I can't say you did a good job prepping your house for having new girls over. The realization of the professional pictures you took of her in our backyard, that you captured her so well she still uses them as profile pictures.
Am I playing catch-up or am I being myself.
I feel cornered and compared. Unless the next girlfriend after her never saw or heard about how good the sex was with your tiny goddess, unless she was also a confident and praised e-girl, she would have been miserable like me.
It's a miserable thing to try to live up to for a woman, especially in these circumstances, with pills, mental illness and a lockdown. She would have been miserable too.
submitted by scorpianag to UnsentLetters [link] [comments]
2020.09.09 19:57 m1ch311e Nudist beautiful girls
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2020.09.06 20:03 SinfulDust Nudist beautiful girls
Part 1 / Part 3 / Part 4
"I think I'll write a part two" I told my phone the other day. "Maybe even come up with a snappy title!". (I didn't).
"Sure thing boss", replied my phone. "Open the Reddit app there and get typing! Don't worry if you minimise the app accidentally. I'll keep it open in the background for you!"
"Thanks phone!“ I exclaimed as I began writing a particularly lengthy tome involving builders, insurance companies and our resident heroes. Some time passed, and if you guessed that I minimised the app, went back in and realised my no-good-dirty-lying phone was a no-good-dirty-liar, then congratulations. You guessed right.
So this is take two of part two. For the narrative's sake (such as there is a narrative) it's worth reading part 1 linked above. Like this one, it's dreadfully long. Brevity is not one of my many, many skills (Neither is modesty, come to think of it). If lengthy, tongue in cheek, vaguely humorous homages to our favourite (and not so favourite) heroes are your thing, then read on.
You have, dear reader, many questions no doubt. Questions such as; Will Fee stop damning her eagle eyes? Will she ever figure out what type of rock that wizard's friend is made of? Will Hogan ever be part of the meta? Will Leif ever figure out the knife thing? Will he get to fulfill his dream of becoming Fix-it Felix Jr? Will our long-suffering barmaid get to rest, relax and stop providing crucial narrative? Will Lancelot ever get his horse? Will Sethos earn the fear, respect and admiration of his peers? Worry not, for the answer to all of these questions is about to be revealed. The answer is no.
None of those things happen.
There. I just saved you ten minutes. You're welcome.
When we last left our intrepid heroes, they had just witnessed the minor destruction of the roof of the tavern by an over-eager and quite drunk Leif, followed by the utter destruction of half the tavern by an over-eager and quite stupid Koizuul. Fortunately, our wily barmaid had insurance with the Builders and Insurers of Realm Defense™ (BIRD™). They were an utterly monopoly and their fees were extortionate, but when you cater to fish-dragons who can mistake your tavern for a tiny slime, it's a good idea to have insurance.
She looked at the insurance man, who was surrounded by his builders and adamantly proclaiming that she wasn't covered (like all insurance men and women do), for damage caused by waterfalls caused by a fish-dragon. The barmaid sighed and directed his attention to section 4.0.4, which read;
The idiot fish clause
In the event of the partial or complete destruction of the tavern (heretofore referred to "the tavern") by waterfalls caused by an idiot fish-dragon, BIRD™ (heretofore referred to as "Party A" or "Money grabbing jerks") shall fully recompense the tavern barmaid (heretofore known as "Party B", or "sucker who gives us free money") in the form of rebuilding the tavern at BIRD™'s expense.
Fortunately, the insurance man was an idiot and didn't realise that there was no section 4.0.4 in the barmaids policy (he had lost his own copy of her policy somewhere along the journey to the tavern). In fact, the entirety of section 4.0.4 had been handwritten into the policy moments before his arrival by the clever barmaid. Unfortunately, despite being an idiot he was very good at his job. And his job was to never, ever pay out on an insurance claim. To an increasingly exasperated barmaid he simply repeated those magic words "That's not covered under your policy", and "Ha ha, thanks for all the free money". Finally, the barmaid had enough and motioned at the moon girl, who got up from her table and floated over, past a slowly leaping Koizuul (who in the hour since the terrible rending of the tavern front had moved all of ten feet) to the barmaid. Fee saw the two women converse. The moon girl blew the insurance man a kiss and began floating back to the bar, past Koizuul, who was priming himself for another tiny leap.
The insurance man had never felt so joyous and full of love. He was ready to die for this beautiful moon girl, and quickly signed off on the paperwork to begin rebuilding the tavern and ordered the builders around him to start work immediately. He would marry her, he was sure of it. He loved this strange, floating moon girl more than the night loved the, er, moon. He'd marry her and join a nudist colony, just like he'd always dreamed. "Hell," he thought, "why wait?" and began taking off his shirt. The barmaid spun away hurriedly. She had no desire to see a naked insurance man.
Meanwhile, Raida and Lancelot were still locked in a tight embrace, despite the fact that the danger had long since passed. Their eyes met.
"I should really let go of Sir Lancelot" thought Raida unreasonably loudly.
"I should really have a unicorn too" thought Lancelot in a normal volume.
Awkwardly, the two men disengaged from one another, noticing that they'd bruised the other, so tight had been their grips. And so began a heated argument over who would heal who, with Raida holding down Lancelot's sword so he couldn't swirl it upwards in a healing motion, and Lancelot pushing Raida, causing him to move and preventing him from activating his mystical Reiki training. The argument was settled by the moon girl who, as she glided past, extended her arms, emanating white healing lights from her hands which poured over all the patrons, curing them of their minor wounds. Their argument now moot, the two men ceased their silly scuffle and thanked the strange woman.
"Thanks Azura" said Lancelot.
"Thanks Azura" yelled Raida.
"Sakura power" said the moon girl, which Fee thought was an unusual way of saying "You're welcome".
Lancelot turned to Raida. Maybe if he sweet-talked the lightning warrior he'd let him ride on that sweet, sweet unicorn.
"Drink?“ asked Lancelot.
"Drink!" yelled Raida agreeably.
"Drink!“ called out Leif as he emerged from the kitchen, now properly attired in his armour and carrying his knife. He swirled it in the air and crashed it down on a nearby table, which dramatically failed to smash. He missed his hammer. Leif, Raida and Lancelot took seats at a table marked "Tanks only". Sethos looked on sadly as the lava rock man got up and and waddled over to join the three men, but said nothing. His week would come. Oh yes. And then he would get to sit at that table once more. His week would come.
"Hi Fee", came a ghastly-sounding voice beside her.
"Connie!" Fee exclaimed, as her friend sat down beside her at the bar. She was a little annoyed that she'd failed to notice the Volma enter the tattered remains of the tavern (damn her damnable eagle eyes), but mostly she was happy to see a friendly face at last. She and Connie shared a deep love of nature and woodland animals, although Fee's wolves were altogether too fond of chasing Connie's tiny bunnies. Besides that, Fee did have a cunning plan; She'd convince Connie to let her tie more of her bunnies to her arrows and rejoin the meta. No enemy critters would get past her again.
"How are you?" Fee asked, looking at her friend intently. "You seem different".
Connie did seem different, though Fee couldn't put her finger on what had changed. Was it Connie's chirpy voice being replaced by a deeper, deathly tone? The giant book of necromancy floating in front of her? The fact that she was now floating above rather than scurrying along the ground?
"Did you change your hair?" asked Fee.
"No, I died" Connie replied in a morbid tone.
Damn her damnable double-damned eagle eyes! How had Fee not noticed her friend was dead? Her wolves must be howling with laughter. Again.
"Oh." said Fee. They sat in silence for a moment, before Fee tried again.
"How are the bunnies?" she asked.
"They died. They're ghosts now." answered Connie in her new, unnatural tone.
"Oh." said Fee again. Another moment passed before Fee gave it one more shot.
"How is Isabelle?" she asked, expecting the worst.
"She's fine" answered Connie, "she still protects me."
"She's alive? That's wonderful!“ said Fee, relief in her voice.
"No, she died. She's a ghost too." replied Connie.
"Oh." said Fee. "What happened to all of you?"
Fee heard the word "Nevik" in the answer, but quickly zoned out of Connie's detailed response as she considered the real problem- How on earth was she going to tie ghost bunnies to her arrows? She'd never be part of the meta again now. She prayed Mabyn was alive. Tying ghost Jack in the boxes to her arrows would be equally impossible.
Around them, the builders worked hard to rebuild the tavern. Carpenters carried planks of wood and nailed them together with impossible speed and efficiency. Leif looked on sadly - They all had hammers. Big, glorious hammers. They were like an army of Fix-it Felix Jr's. They also had nails, but Leif had no idea what those were for. "Fix-it Felix Jr never used nails." he thought to himself. The guitarist had moved outside and was strumming her guitar to encourage the builders, and it must be admitted that her awful music seemed indeed to be making all who heard it move much faster. In mere minutes, they had the tavern front almost back to normal, with a now nude insurance man helping screw in the final screws and nail in the final nails- while telling every builder who would listen how great being naked was and how much he loved his future wife (it goes without saying that no builder was listening; Would you listen to a naked insurance man drone on about his fictional wife while he hammers and screws a tavern back together?). The job was finally done, and his builders collected their things and milled around, awaiting their payment.
With a sudden shock, the insurance man looked up. He was naked? That moon girl! She never intended to marry him! She'd bewitched him! "Curses and swear words," he thought, "that moon girl bewitched me, she was never going to marry me! And now I'm naked!". He angrily stormed into the tavern, yelling to the barmaid that BIRD™ were not going to pay for the repair and she was footing the bill for the builders work. The now also angry builders stormed in after him, demanding payment. A strange sight greeted them; The barmaid was handing out earplugs. The insurance man and builders turned around as the newly rebuilt doorway darkened, to see the undead skeleton brandishing her guitar.
"My mum hates this song" she said cheerfully. She raised the guitar aloft and began shredding.
The racket that followed was unimaginable, dear reader. There are truly no words in any language to describe the sheer awfulness of that song. It was so terrible, out of key and brain melting that the only correct response was to run away from it as fast as possible. And that's exactly what the builders and the naked insurance man did. They ran right out of the tavern, right back up the lane and right back to their houses, the aneurysm-inducing sounds ricocheting around their heads. The insurance man picked up his clothes as he fled, howling at the barmaid as he beat a fierce retreat. "You won't get away with this," he howled retreatingly, "You haven't heard the last from BIRD™“.
The patrons relaxed and removed their earplugs, normal chatter resuming. Lancelot looked at Raida as they began downing their cups, trying to figure out a way to ask about riding his unicorn, when he noticed something very strange about the horned, blue man with a sword made of lightning. Stranger even than the fact that he was a horned, blue man with a sword made of lightning.
"Raida, is it.. raining in here?" he asked.
Raida sighed loudly. "No, Koi just loves messing with me" he shouted.
"Me too!" called out the blue haired mage, who had heard Raida from all the way across the tavern.
In fact, everyone had heard Raida. Everyone always heard Raida, all the time. But he wasn't wrong. It was indeed raining, but only on the blue haired mage and Raida. Their clothes were soaked as the heavy rain gushed from tiny clouds above their heads. The barmaid, who as we've established is rather clever, brought over a custom umbrella shaped hat, which fit snugly over Raida's horns and head. "Bolton, come get your hat" she called at the mage. Bolton, for that was his name, went and got his hat. Both men thanked our kindhearted barmaid, although naturally, Raida did it unnecessarily loudly.
"Got one for me?" came an icy voice from the door. The barmaid spun around to greet the speaker - "Efrigid, you know I do". The blue eyed speaker entered the tavern, water dripping down into her blue hair from the rain cloud directly above her head. Fee was getting a little exasperated with the amount of blue now. Surely these people shared a fashion designer? Even the icicles above her head were blue! Ice should be clear! The barmaid handed another custom made hat to the latest arrival, and the woman put it on before sitting alone at a table marked "Pure Delay Only", ordering a glass of water, which arrived immediately. She picked up the glass, intending to take a sip, but before Fee's eyes the glass froze, and the water inside with it. The ice woman sighed and put the glass down. "Glad you like ice!" quipped the barmaid. Efrigid grimaced and said nothing. She hated terrible ice-related quips. The barmaid scurried away laughing at her own terrible joke and returned with a tray of her cheapest vodka, which also had the highest alcohol content and would therefore take longer to freeze. Contentedly, Efrigid took a sip of one of the many glasses, then downed the glass before it could freeze. "Another day, another drunk ice lady" the barmaid thought.
"Koi, stop making it rain on people. You're soaking my tavern" the barmaid called out to the weeping fish.
"I can't, I need to be in water or I'll suffocate. I'm a fish" replied Koizuul.
"I know that, just make it stop raining on other people!" called out the barmaid, "and get over here."
"OK", replied the emotional fish emotionally. "I'll leap over there". Koizuul, aside from being both a fish and a mighty water dragon, was also a bit of a prankster. He had no intention of stopping the rain on anyone. He liked rain. With another tiny leap, he made his way even closer to the bar. It would only take another hour now to get there.
"Want to sit over there?" Connie asked, gesturing at the table Efrigid was sitting at. Fee wasn't sure. Neither of them were even "minor delay“, nevermind "pure delay" any more. Not if Connie had lost her bunnies and Fee couldn't tie them to arrows anymore. She mentioned this inconvenient fact to her friend.
"Oh, that's OK." Connie replied in a sorrowful voice. "I can still summon my bunnies, and they do exactly what they did before. They're just more powerful because they're dead." Fee wasn't sure how that worked, but the skeleton, who was now in conversation with Azura (another fascinating conversation, no doubt) did seem pretty powerful, the way she made all those builders and that naked man run away was pretty impressive. Maybe they were stronger? She asked Connie if she was sure.
“Better off dead" confirmed Connie mournfully. Fee decided not to take this as a threat.
"We can still fight together," said Connie, in news that sent Fee's spirits to the moon. "I can just summon my bunnies to where your arrows land if you'd like?". At which Fee nodded happily. "I'm still not summoning them as often as I did when you had the idea though. They didn't like that." the undead Volma continued.
Fee looked around at a drunken Raida shouting loudly about something or other, and heard the wet slap of Koizuul bouncing off the ground outside, and suddenly realised she didn't really much care to be part of the meta anymore. Meta heroes were either cowardly or stupid, she decided. The two women sat down opposite Efrigid, who greeted them with a nod. Fee didn't see an excited Hogan run past their table and out the tavern door as they sat down (she'd damn her eagle eyes once she noticed).
"I guess you like your drinks ice-cold?" Connie joked in a droll voice. Fee looked at her friend. She'd seen the ice woman react poorly to the barmaids terrible ice-related joke, and Connie had managed to, somehow, make an even more terrible ice-related joke.
Oh no, what has Connie done? Will Efrigid like this second, somehow worse ice related joke? Is it even really a joke? It's not funny. Are Fee's wolves really laughing at her? Do her wolves have names? Is Hogan as totally useless as everyone think, and does everyone actually hate him?
All of this, and more, will be revealed in the next installment of
Coming soon, as it's already been written and this was way too long so I've just split it in two.
In fact, Part 3 is already here.
submitted by SinfulDust to RealmDefenseTD [link] [comments]
2020.08.12 19:44 m1ch311e Nudist beautiful girls
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2020.08.05 07:32 5Augdacket Nudist beautiful girls
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2020.07.29 10:03 IluvBsissa What People Get Wrong About The Veil.
There is no such thing as Islamic Veil. King of Morocco was pretty clear about it : it doesn't exist.
Women have been covering up their hairs in all Eurasian societies for millennia.
My great grand-mother from my French side, for instance, would have never let her hair flow freely around her face in public.
Everyone from Slav nations can testify of the prevalence of the veil in older generations.
Women do not wear the veil out of "patriarchal oppression", but because of different conception of Modesty (pudeur) in the society they live in.
Problem is, people do not share the same perception of Modesty.
According to Wikipedia :
Modesty**, sometimes known as** demureness**, is a mode of dress and deportment which intends to avoid the encouraging of** sexual attraction in others. The word "modesty" comes from the Latin word modestus which means "keeping within measure". Standards of modesty are culturally and context dependent and vary widely. In this use, it may be considered inappropriate or immodest to reveal certain parts of the body. In some societies, modesty may involve women covering their bodies completely and not talking to men who are not immediate family members; in others, a fairly revealing but one-piece bathing costume is considered modest while other women wear bikinis. In some countries, exposure of the body in breach of community standards of modesty is also considered to be public indecency, and public nudity is generally illegal in most of the world and regarded as indecent exposure. For example, Stephen Gough, a lone man attempting to walk naked from south to north in the United Kingdom, was repeatedly imprisoned. However, nudity is at times tolerated in some societies; for example by Digambara monks in India, who renounce clothing for ascetic reasons, and during a World Naked Bike Ride.
I would personally love to roam the streets naked, unleash my John from "Panties Oppression", but most people in the society I live in do not find this behaviour appropriate in the public space. And I would end up in Jail and be labelled a Perverted Deranged F**ker for the rest of my life.
In some Amazonian and African Tribes, however, living completely bare naked all the time is perfectly normal. People wearing clothes are actually perceived as weirdos in their societies and they be like " what are you hiding behind this piece of fabric, bruh ? What terrible things have you done ?"
Let's make this clear and sound :
For many reasons, Some Women feel uncomfortable showing their hair or face in public. Yes, maybe they have been raised that way, but so had I. Who forced me to wear clothes and never expose my genitals in public ? My parents. Do I feel oppressed ? Absolutely not. It's just how Modesty work in Western culture and society. If I ever feel the need to walk completely naked in public, I would join a nudist club and expose my genitals to as many people as I want, and without breaking the law, or I could just join an African Tribe... INGETA !
Some Women feel comfortable wearing very light and revealing clothings. They are not doing it to provoke and elicit sexual desire in other Men. They just enjoy it. And there is nothing wrong about it. Unless they live in a society with tighter Modesty standards. And that could be a problem.
There are other extreme cases that some Conservatives really love pointing out, where some fragments of a liberal society "encourages" girls to wear "suggestive" clothings, to "objectify" themselves. It's quite debatable ! I never met a single "light clothing" girl who seemed genuinely oppressed. But it is true that the high beauty standards set by fashion and porn industry can hold a lot of pressure on young prepubescent girls who will feel constantly ashamed of how they look...but we could say the same about Muslim societies, where girls are also pressured to look nice, even with traditional outfit.
Now, how can people with different Modesty standards live together ? By learning how to just minding their own f***ing business, I guess.
New York City has recently authorized Women to walk chest naked in the streets without any penalties. The vast majority of Female New Yorkese do not show their breast in public, but a minority does now. So we're making progress !
Maybe, one day, Matriarchy Oppression will finally lift up and I will enjoy the pleasure of doing by Jogging BALL FREE.
EDIT : Sorry I think this kind of post is more suitable for a French audience.
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2020.07.26 16:40 Bago26JJJulOly Fr-ee Ama-teur Submitted Po-rn
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2020.07.24 13:44 criterion_infection Quick and Queathing
The Oxford English Dictionary’s historical thesaurus lists eleven words in the category “undress or remove clothing [verb (intransitive)],” not including subcategories. These are, listed from least seductive to most: unrig, unbusk, uncase, peel, disarray, unattire, disapparel, disrobe, strip, undress, and shuck. Unlike the lungs, stomach, liver, and intestines, which were removed and placed in jars, Egyptian pharaohs were mummified with their hearts, which, if proven unworthy in the afterlife, would be eaten. So, what’s your ribcage protecting?
Our classmates all said that her hair was windswept, but they’re just unobservant. There was never a strand out of place on her head, and her locks bobbed lighter than air as she wove through the air. If anything, her hair swept the wind across the ground she trod. Aristotle said that there must have been a first, unmoved mover to set the cosmos in motion. Why not her?
They were too stunned to be attracted to her. They looked at her like a work of fine craftsmanship or a beautiful but meaningless natural phenomenon, like snowfall or an especially bright lightning bolt. I thought that she had all the best parts of all the best women, or, to be more precise, they had all taken a piece of her as a dividend for their share of existence. The Norse believed that the world was fashioned from the body of a giant. Why not her?
She shucked me like an oyster; here is my pearl.
On our first date, she had smelled like Cuir de Russie. I never thought that a girl like that would alter something as intimate as her scent for a guy like me. She was my friend, my love, my cynosure, my lab partner.
We took a chemistry course together one summer, but we were astronomy majors. We both had a thing for ice giants and, later, each other. We studied together for our final, and she told me that her family had a place in the woods. She wanted to take me there for the weekend before the start of the second summer session. We were in a rural-enough town that having a cabin in the woods wasn’t weird, and it was just the encouragement I needed to pull the trigger on a new telescope. She got an A in the class; I got an A-. There was something very summa-cum-laude about her that made classmates sigh in anticipation of time wasted on irrelevant minutiae every time she opened her mouth without really giving her a chance to prove them wrong, although I’d probably hate her too if I just wanted to get in, get my C, and get out.
She picked me up. We drove for a long time. I thought that at any second the telephone poles by the side of the road would just stop, and we’d have slipped the tendrils of civilization. It was night-time when we finally arrived, and she got out of the car to unlock the wrought-iron gate. As we meandered up the drive, I tried to remember her last name. Plantagenet, de’ Medici, Hapsburg? Maybe she’d have monogrammed hand towels to give me a hint. The estate was huge. I didn’t think that we had châteaux like that in America.
“There’s something that I didn’t tell you,” she said after shutting the front door behind me. “I’m a nudist.” She left me a trail of clothes to the bedroom, and we slipped the tendrils of civilization.
I thought that she was joking, but she never put her clothes back on. We went to the roof and set the telescope up. It was a warm summer night. We had an alright view of Mars and Jupiter. I was really excited to try the new telescope out, but she wasn’t enthusiastic about anything but the planets. I went to bed after a while, but she stayed. As I left, she was looking through the telescope unmoving and entranced. I found a bathroom just to run the faucet to check if there was running water. The telephone poles had followed us, but I was skeptical of the water pipes. Sure enough, hot and cold water were available at the twist of a cross handle.
I’m a pretty light sleeper, and she didn’t wake me up coming to bed. The next day, she told me that she had gone to the wrong bedroom and slept there because she was too tired to find mine.
She made scrambled eggs for me for breakfast, but they were just way too creamy for me, with nary a curd to be found. Why even cook eggs if you’re just going to liquefy them again? She told me that her jaw hurt, so she didn’t eat anything. She didn’t drink anything, either. She kept moving it around and rubbing it from ear to throat.
After breakfast, she took me on a tour of the house. There were black-and-white photographs of her ancestors on the walls. I noticed that none of them really looked liked her, but there’s no polite way to ask if someone’s adopted. I eventually realized that her ancestors didn’t really look like each other, either. I’m still not sure if it’s more impolite to ask if everyone in a family is adopted than to single out one member. As we walked past one door, she said, “The crypt is down there.”
The farther we walked through her labyrinthine home, the more her nudity menaced me. I’ve always been a bit of a prude, and standing naked before a picture of your great-uncle definitely lacks decorum—you share twelve-and-a-half percent of your genes with those—, but this wasn’t prudishness; it was fear. She was exultant in a way that I couldn’t understand, as were her ancestors, who lacked their era’s signature severity. She was still rattling her jaw around her mouth like she had forgotten where it naturally rests, moving it in and out, side to side, and up and down. When she stuck her jaw out, I thought that maybe she really was a Hapsburg. Back in the kitchen, I heard two pops and a shallow moan of satisfaction. Her jaw had become unhinged. She wrote me a note that said that it was a recurring condition and she just needed to take an aspirin, pop it back in, and lie down for a while. She locked herself in some bedroom, and I tried to call her an ambulance. The phone wasn’t working.
I tried knocking on her door, but she slipped another note under the door to say that she wanted just to sleep it off and she’d wake up from her nap before lunch. I fell asleep on a couch watching a VHS of “Gremlins” and tried to reassure myself with the thought that I was dating the only girl in the world prettier than Phoebe Cates and the current weirdness was totally worth it.
When I awoke, she was on all fours and watching me. Her jaw hung loose, seemingly only attached to her face by skin without muscles. Her limbs were splayed out to the side like a lizard. I climbed over the couch, tipping it over to run away. She chased me down a hall at a swaying gallop. I twisted the knob of every door as I ran, but they were all locked until I got to the crypt. The crypt key was in the keyhole on the inside, and I locked her out. Her cries faded as I descended the stairs into the crypt.
The crypt was almost worse than her. The spiders and centipedes were bad enough, but at least natural. At some point, the brick floor, walls, and ceiling ended, and I was in a tunnel with wooden frame support. I walked along the dirt floor with a light bulb hanging overhead every few feet. There were paintings of the same men and women whom I had seen upstairs nailed to the frames, but after their transformations. Below each portrait in a niche was the skull of the individual. All were toothless and had too many eye sockets, although the exact number and arrangement varied. Despite the range of their deformities, they did have a certain cohesion in the same way that different breeds are all recognized as dogs. I’m sure that they would say that that had been reformed rather than deformed, and they looked out on me with dignified compassion from eyes at every angle. I found them sickening all the same and puked on natural history’s unluckiest house centipede.
I came to an elevator at the end of the tunnel. It only went down. Rather than stay or take my chances with the elevator, I returned to my girlfriend to negotiate a conditional surrender through the door. It was lunchtime, and I was hungry again. Her speech had returned. She spoke in siren syllables allophonic to the vowels and consonants of our tongue. I’m still not sure if I understood the words themselves, or only their beauty.
She told me her side of the story, the tale of living bodies. Everyone is familiar with astrology, the thesis of which is that our fortunes and feelings are influenced by the lights in the night sky. This belief of the Romans has even influenced our language. Mercury was said to make one mercurial; Venus, venereal, Mars, martial; Jupiter, jovial; Saturn, saturnine. She told me that this was understated to falsehood. The planets had invented these emotions and had been guiding our evolution, psychology, and society since earliest life.
I asked her about the sun, stars, earth, moon, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. She told me that sun and stars are lifeless. The moon, unlike the other bodies, has two lives in it. The moon was formed by the collision of the planet Theia and the earth, after which the living substances of both planets were launched into space with the debris that coalesced into the moon, leaving the earth lifeless. The contradictions in the moon’s dual natures are why it enflames lunacy. She told me that no one had ever heard the voice of a planet passed Saturn. They were just too far away.
I asked her why she had transformed, and she told me that she was reanimating the earth. The portraits in the mansion weren’t of her ancestors, but of her predecessors who had climbed down into the earth to revive it. The paintings in the crypt were self-portraits. The skulls weren’t theirs, but another kind of self portrait carved from the skull of someone whom the craftsman had loved. They had called out to her to tell her that she was next and invited her into their consciousness. I was her plus-one to the end of the world. The great undertaking had begun here centuries ago, and the estate was once a colony for the elect in our region. Their vein was almost full, and she would be the last, along with me if I accepted. She told me not to make my mind up until I had seen it for myself.
I opened the door and saw how she had managed to talk to me. She was sitting on her hind legs with one of her forelimbs under her jaw and the other in her mouth. Her new tongue and loose and immobile jaw had made the usual mechanics of speech impossible, so she was using her hands to do what they do in a normal mouth. She looked, more than anything, like Winnie the Pooh with a pawful of honey in his mouth. I couldn’t help but smile, and she smiled back with a new sort of smile. She fell forward onto all fours and looked at me with an eye on top of her head. It was the same green as her other eyes.
We walked back to the elevator. She wasn’t so scary at a trot. As she sidestepped my mess, she gave me a look every bit as expressive as those given by her front eyes. The elevator was too small for both of us to stand, but it was tall enough for her to climb up the side and hang from the top. It was a long ride down. I occasionally glanced back up at her, and, during one glance, she opened a fourth eye on the back of her head. It winked at me.
I had forgetting what a playful little scamp she was! I wondered how much of our afternoon tiff was due to my disappointment at breakfast. Those eggs had caused all of the day’s problems. “How many of those are you going to grow?” I asked. She let go with her forelimbs, hung down, and assured me that that was the last one, and then we Spider-Man kissed. She tasted better than ever, but my tongue and lip nerves misfired as we touched. She was intactile.
The elevator stopped, and we walked out to a chasm. She took me to the edge, and I looked down. I saw a squirming knot of bodies, the aristocracy of the transmogrified. More than by the sight and sound, I was taken aback by the enormity. “The training used to last for years,” she told me. The entire estate had been an orchard, and young men and women worked during the day and learned at night from the elders, who spent their days in communion with the vein. After years of deafening oneself to the planets, joining the great undertaking was baptism, matrimony, and funeral. As the colony waned and the vein waxed, the rites had fallen into disuse. She was sorry I had to choose so soon, but she didn’t want me to lose me to the planets.
I had only just learned of the living bodies, but if I owed them everything, then could they be so bad? Could they be real? The idea of a new earth for a new humanity was romantic, but was it good? I couldn’t see lunch from breakfast, let alone the fate of our species from a cosmic revolt. The great undertaking was too great be a lateral move. I was being asked to participate in the salvation or damnation of cellular life, and couldn’t tell the difference. I couldn’t feel it, but she held my hand.
“I hope that I’ll see you down there,” she said before jumping. The vein took on a faint, chrysolite glow. They were beautiful. I heard her voice in their song. My toes and nose peeked over the edge. The air smelled so warm. All I could think about were my favorite stuffed animals, like they were the ones who had stitched and stuffed every sign of affection from my childhood to beg my patience until they could hold me themselves. I only gave them my tears.
I took the elevator back up to the crypt. It was night-time. I went to the roof to collect my telescope before searching the house for her car keys. I took a moment to look at the planets. If earth was lifeless, then who had taught them how to revive it? I had thought that the veins transformed the chosen, but then how had the first man or woman been transformed, and by what power? Which planets had invented kindness, forgiveness, and tenderness? I wish that I had asked. As I stood there, my love lay miles underfoot, and the planets hung from the firmament, quick and queathing.
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