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2020.09.12 16:14 sunnirays [Rant] So I'm allowed to lock my door, so I've been getting explicitly gay library books

At first I was just pirating the explicitly queer books off of the internet then reading and hiding them deep within folders in folders in folders.
But recently, because I've started my college classes on Zoom and a lot of them want us to use our webcams to show we didn't just log on and then walk away to watch YouTube videos (even though I still watch YouTube videos in class tbh), I've been allowed to use lock on my bedroom door more.
See before, I was allowed to close my door not lock it unless I was changing or something. My mom would always do the classic knock-then-immediately-come-in move then be like "What are you looking at on that computer?" or "What are you reading?". And then she'd be like "If you aren't doing anything wrong, why are you being so secretive" and "I have to make sure you're not doing anything bad, you could endanger the entire family!" and "Looking up weird things will get this house put on a list!"
For that last one I assume she means porn? I mean if I was some creep looking for child porn, okay. But if there was a list of every IP address that looked up any form of porn that had consenting adults, it'd be a hella long list, okay?
But you get it. It's the typical protective, conservative parent BS. But now I've been locking my door basically whenever I come in my room, in addition to my classes. My reasons are basically "I can focus more on my work when people aren't walking in every two seconds" and "I couldn't live in a dorm, this is basically the next best thing". It seems that reasoning has stuck for now, and I really haven't been bothered about it.
And I've been able to get library books that are explicitly GAY. I'm talking two girls on the cover starting lovingly into each other's eyes, summary's that explicitly mention the female protagonist's ex-girlfriend. Albeit I still have to hide them when I'm not reading them or when I leave the room but still.
Reading the ebook version was enough to get me through the last four or five years, but something about flipping through the physical pages of a scene where a girl asks another girl out on a date just hits different. I'm literally just in here giggling into my comforter as I read about two girls shyly holding hands.
I'd probably explode if I bought my own copies. Just wholesome LGBTQ content on demand. Of course I'd figure out a hiding spot (my current one can really only hold a few books at a time)
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2020.09.09 19:07 raul2144 Confession time

Hi there guys . I know that success is defined by how hard you work or at least i want to believe this .I was addicted to this crap for over a decade and i still am .
When the urge hits me i find myself calling a friend who's a drug dealer like a lunatic who thinks he needs to call that X person if he wants to survive from god knows what.After i put my hands on that 1g of weed ,i go to my room ,i draw the curtains in the hope that no one will see me, i search for all i need to make that joint ,i roll the joint like i want to beat a world record and smoke it like a maniac as if the substance from that joint is more important than air.
After i get blazed out of this world , i open the videochat site on my left monitor and a random porn site on my right monitor.I search for the perfect model and i tip her some of the money i have on visa card ,i guess that a bit of sanity is still inside me becouse im aware of that voice inside my head who whispers to me :"come on , steal more of your father money ,you know his card number,you will be so horny , the pleasure will be outworldy,come on" ,after i ignore this voice , i open my webcam and behave like a madman locked in a mental asylum the same as that on movie Shutter Island.I dont even want to know what gets through that poor lady mind if she sees me.Im not even done with that jack sesh and i begin to feel how the shame and my other sane voices from my mind appear with their judgements .
After im done, i try to behave like nothing happened but of course i cant becouse something really bad happen, i clean my mess and the shame intensifies even more , 5-10 minutes passes and i find myself going through that cycle again .Some days i even jacked off 7 times . Im lucky that my parents are letting me live with them even if im just like a parasite. Im lucky that i dont have a terminall ilness after what i did. Im glad that im no longer addicted to stims like mdma or mephedrone , and to be fair , if stims didnt put me in those awfull withdrawls ,something really bad would had happened.
I write this cuz i still have some sane thoughts and i try to change myself . I guess another think that really pushed me to change is the fact that when im outside , i cant look people in the face without having a filthy perverse thought combined with the amounts of stress and social anxiety i have to face .
This text becomes to long .Since the beginning of the month ,almost on a daily basis a big fight happens inside my mind , i dont know how this happened and i dunno how i managed to put myself on this position. Now , on day 5 i think (my current biggest streak) i catch thoughts like : "Nothing would give you the pleasure which porn and cams gived you ", "Relapse , you arent good enough for this world " or "As a 23 years old guy , you cant change yourself , accept that you are a porn addict and stop changing ". I know this are irrational but the ammount of power this thoughts have its incredible . I hope i will beat this guys , i will push through this , i feel like im about to explode but i will keep my streak intact .
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2020.09.02 16:13 HaulA2Sepl Live porn webcam

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2020.09.02 11:31 Reisno Porn webcam live

tl:dr: I'm trying to find ways to emotionally move on from a confusing online, unrequited love situation that I ended up in for 18 months while I was poly dating online. I don't look any one up and I am no longer poly dating, I meditate on this and write it out, but I struggle with this still. I am trying to navigate it while juggling everything else in my life. I'm thick skinned, so even blunt advice will be appreciated.
Where to start with this, I walked away from an online friendship thing back in April, honestly now I am not entirely sure what it was.
Back when my partner and I were still poly dating, we tried out polyamory to try to create a sense of family we didn't get to have. We are not having kids and we tried to find similar people to us to create a community with. We've since abandoned polyamory.
I was deeply traumatized on Thanksgiving and I met this person around that time back in 2018. He was loving and kind to me, at least that is what it felt like. I told him I was poly and he seemed willing to work with that at first. He talked about how he admired what I had accomplished, how beautiful I was.
I admired him too, he taught himself many things and it was lovely to hear about those interests. I wanted to learn from him, to hear about his perspective and values in life. He and I were both diagnosed with aspergers and it gave me a sense of belonging and acceptance to chat with him.
It was a short time, a couple of weeks, before he dropped the news on me quite abruptly that he found someone else to date. That would be his first girlfriend.
There was not much warning, he didn't give me much of a heads up, it went from me being the only romantic interest of his to him having a girlfriend the next day, I didn't even know he was seeing anyone else.
I almost blocked him then and there for that, but he convinced me that he wanted to stay my friend. I was in a lot of pain during the holidays then and losing that kind of connection with him hurt pretty badly, I cried for 10 hours over this loss at the time. Had this happened in January I would have been able to take the blow much better but he didn't really understand the things I had been through.
But then he showed me their photos, he talked about his time with her and he looked so happy. There they both were, smiling around christmas lights. I wanted to see him smile like that. He told me that I had a big heart for taking that, he said his girlfriend was sorry for making me cry.
He said they both had hard lives, I wanted to understand what that meant. I grew up poor, around abused kids and it was very chaotic. They were both affluent, his first car likely costed more than triple the value of the busted trailer that I grew up in for 20 years.
However, I wanted to understand their hardships, their strife, and to learn from that, to be a friend and ally in that.
He said that I was the first girl to accept him, this was confusing. I saw him as beautiful, even from the first photo he sent me, he was like a work of art to me. He inspired me.
It warmed me up to see him smile, in that moment he drew hard lines and I respected that. However, a month in he started dropping large sums of money on her, like thousands of dollars, and he was sounding frustrated with things.
Even crack addicts that I grew up around didn't blow money that fast, so I was genuinely worried about him being taken advantage of like before. He talked of how women mistreated him in the past and he looked so sad, I empathized and wanted to make sure that he was loved and looked out for, so I stayed his friend. Plus I was a bit glad that I was friendzoned so I could see what being pure friends would be like for us.
I deeply cared about him for spending that holiday with me, but a little beyond that month he started to kind of flirt with me again, saying that his girlfriend was ok with it "as long as it was porn".
At the time I was ok with this ambiguity. I was happy to have some level of that romance with him back. I wrote my words to him, what I felt for him, he swooned, at least in text. At that time I was happy for the opportunity to show him what he meant to me, at least in words. My issues were worse then, with his hectic schedule and my limitations, my writing was all I really had to work with to convey this to him.
Each month he started to get more scarce with his career, at least that is the story I got. Each month I waited to spend time with him, even just an hour a month on webcam would have been sufficient. All I wanted was just an hour a month with him on webcam with us drinking tea and coffee together, sharing our life experiences. He was scarce but still pleasant, it still seemed like he valued being my friend but was just busy with his work. Because of his work schedule and having his first girlfriend, I was very patient.
But then my partner and I had lost half of our passive income in April of 2019, this was devastating for us but an important turning point. We ate only soups for months. With this loss of income, I struggled to stay stable, we both did.
We had already been through so much for so many years, things were finally looking up and we lost half of that passive income, it was a major blow. Right around the same time, my mother reached out to me for the first time in some years, this only added to the stress. I wrote her and the rest of my relatives that I left behind in 2013 a 5000 word letter in a password protected PDF so she and the rest of them couldn't edit it. Then we blocked her, she tried to contact me through my partner's facebook. I no longer have a facebook because of her and the rest of the craziness.
I don't really have support other than my partner and I didn't know how to use reddit that well back then, I am stretched pretty thin with trying to learn my partner's native language (we live in his country), taking care of my partner (he has documented disabilities here), planning/creating online courses/content with my partner on a microscopic budget with just the two of us, learning 3D modeling and other digital art skills, and coping with my flashbacks/nightmares/sleep deprivation/fatigue, you know, that grind.
This friend was comforting. I felt ashamed for dumping so much writing onto him when he had so much to handle on his end too, but I couldn't help it, I needed a friend, I needed that sense of family that I felt with him on that Thanksgiving day back in 2018.
I never wanted financial assistance or any sort of money from him, I'm weird like that. I don't like people spending money on me, he said once that he liked that about me, that I wasn't after his money like the other women who mistreated him. Being given gifts, especially expensive gifts, scares the shit out of me because of the things I've been through. I don't even like being around expensive things, especially if they are fragile/breakable. I suppose this is how deeply I've internalized poverty.
I wanted to show this friend that I was more than what I came from, to demonstrate that what I felt for him, the love I had for him, didn't have a price tag, that he didn't need to pay money to have someone worthwhile love him. I wanted to show him that and I accomplished that goal.
Every time I wrote to him, it conjured our few moments together. I deeply treasured those moments. There were days where I wrote to him romance/erotica, days where I wrote of my own disabilities but how I was pushing through despite it, days where I lost lucidity and destabilized (this is a side effect of the pills I was thrown on as well as a trauma and stress).
I shared my life with him as if I had that hour a month on webcam with him, as if he was there with me through it all.
I struggle with mental health issues but I never lashed out at him, I work to improve them and it takes years to fix issues like this. I even told him that if it was all too much and if he couldn't handle being my friend because of it, that would be ok. I gave him many outs.
I wrote over a 100,000 words to him to keep my sanity in check while I pushed through weightloss and other tasks to stabilize my life and to take care of my partner in 2019. He didn't tell me to stop, but he got even scarcer. Every so often he kind of covertly encouraged the sexy stories, this fueled my hope. He has a hectic work schedule and communicated this much, I trusted that this was the reason for his habitual scarcity.
Then came July, when my partner looked up his reddit and saw he had ads to flirt with other people with his girlfriend. This friend told me he was dying on discord that same month. I was afraid of him dying, I took his word for it, I sobbed for months over the possibility of him dying. Sure it stung that they were doing poly stuff and I was cut out of that completely, but I would have preferred him lying to me about him dying than him actually on his death bed. It hurt that they were doing poly things without me while he kind of judged me for being poly, but what hurt worse was the relentless funeral flashes I had of him for 2 months straight afterwards.
Intrusive, relentless, and vivid images of him in a casket flooded my mind and made me buckle over in pain every single fucking day for 2 months.
I waited for a couple of months on edge, seeing this friend's funeral play over and over in my mind, this eroded my stability even more, him struggling and me being unable to do anything about it. It was horrible. All I had was his texts, this friend's word. It had occurred to me then that if this friend ever died, I don't even matter enough to be notified of that. That was a sickening, haunting feeling.
I drowned that feeling to stay his friend as best as I could, he started to pull through it in August/September, all of this in text, scarce text.
October rolled around, I wanted to just see this friend for my birthday on webcam, not even for anything sexual, I just wanted to see him alive and well, even for just 10-15 minutes. I saw his funeral play over and over in my mind for months, I just needed to see his smile to ease those flashes.
He wished me happy birthday in passing four days later, his career was coming apart and Thanksgiving was around the corner. I knew that I'd destabilize over the holidays and I didn't want to dump that on him during his struggle and also I knew that he'd likely introduce his girlfriend to his family for the first time.
That, that had cut me in a particular way, going from having that Thanksgiving back in 2018 to being completely amputated out of his life by Thanksgiving of 2019. I left for two months so I wouldn't have to feel the full force of that reality and to work on patching myself up. I blocked him on discord so I wouldn't blow up his messages but I did leave a message explaining myself and an email if he needed to reach out to me, if he needed a friend.
He didn't even wish me happy Thanksgiving.
Randomly, literally randomly, I stumbled onto a post on reddit that had "success story" posted on it, I hadn't seen that before, it was odd so I read it. The details were very familiar, I pieced together that this was his girlfriend writing about their relationship. She seemed to really care about him, that made me smile. I cried, but I was happy for him, truly.
I wasn't sure if he had gotten my discord message when I blocked him, so that late December I messaged him on reddit if he wanted to be my friend, if I was someone worth knowing to him, that I unblocked him on discord. He friend requested me on discord the same day, it was surprisingly prompt.
I was still unstable from the holidays so I kept my words a bit scarce till January. He told me that he was no longer something I could have. I didn't know what to make of this, this confused me.
I sent a photo one day and my shirt was loose, he thought I did that on purpose but it was loose because I had lost 70lbs in 2019 and my clothes were huge. This kicked off more intense flirtation.
I was becoming more emotionally messed up over him, at that point I was sending any sort of sexy photos if it just meant that I could hear from him and know he was alive. He is at risk with covid with his lungs and he didn't slow down after almost dying in July, this fucked me up on a lot of levels. I was sending nude photos to try to incentivize him, to practically beg him, to take better care of himself and to just see him.
I even reminded him to take his inhaler, he had acquired asthma and a number of allergies in 2019, and because he didn't take that inhaler for 2 months straight (while I was reminding him) he got sick and almost died in July. This only added to the horror for me. I tried to help him and I was dismissed, likely ignored.
He started sending photos to me for the first time since he started dating her. He said he loved my writing for the first time, he talked of how beautiful I looked these days, like I looked like a different person. He talked of my unusual skin color, how it was pale (implying that I looked better with pale skin, this rubbed me wrong but I let it slide then). He was treating me like I was a different person, this felt sickening.
At first sending him sexy things of myself felt amazing, and then it started to feel disgusting. It felt like I was paying for his time, his very scarce time, with my nudes. I was paying for his time to interact with me just so I could see he was alive. This level of desperation was becoming depressing and awful.
I asked about his girlfriend and he was very, very dodgy about that. This rubbed me wrong too. I wanted to meet her, to thank her for being what I couldn't for him. She had doctor friends that helped him when he got sick in July. She had stable career, I couldn't earn this with the family and circumstances I was granted despite my best efforts.
I was a scholarship student with a duel major and a 3.89/4.0 once, but my own upbringing and mental illnesses, along with getting abused by the mental health systems that I turned to in order to help myself, ripped that from underneath of me. I ended up homeless 2 years after graduation, I had to flee abroad to earn another chance at life.
Back then, I had one chance in life, one, and I got ill. I got punished for 10 years because I got ill, as an individual that comes from 4 generations of mental illness and abuse. She achieved the things that I couldn't because I came from poverty, mental illness, and abuse/dysfunction and I didn't have the community/social savvy/funds to earn better for myself.
It was like he chose an unbroken version of me, he even said that we were similar on a few occasions. I was almost given up for adoption at birth, it was like he chose the version of me that got adopted out to a loving family in Boston, the version of me that didn't go through the things that I went through. At the time, that felt pretty fucking awful, especially during the most painful time of year for me.
It felt fucking awful to feel like I got acceptance and even respect from someone I admired one minute to being tossed aside for a better model the next.
I understood and forgave that, I wanted to hug her for being there for him. I loved her for loving him in my place, even though I never met her. She achieved my dreams of becoming fluent in Japanese and living/working in Japan, she achieved the things I couldn't in this lifetime, the things that were once my dreams and ambitions, the things I was fully capable of earning for myself if I wasn't dragged down over and over again, the things I was forced to let go of to retain what sanity I had left to push forward.
At first I resented that life didn't break her like it broke me, sometimes that resentment bubbles up, but overall, even though he paid tens of thousands of dollars to date her basically, she seems to be sticking by him and I appreciate that.
Mid-April was the last straw for me. I gave the most I could give, and the trajectory of our dynamic disgusted me. I was getting nothing out of it besides a slow boiling sense of rage. I walked away then and didn't reach out to him again. In May I looked her up, and I saw that they were engaged.
He didn't tell me that he was engaged, they were engaged for months and he didn't tell me. He dodged the fact that he was getting engaged as he was flirting more with me. I felt so disgusting for sending an engaged man, a man engaged in a monogamous marriage, my nude photos. I got too desperate for that fleeting sense of family I had with him, I chased him online for 18 months for a day I'd never have with him again, he was never truly forthcoming about this, I was just getting dismissed and muted.
Until I got hot enough to notice again.
I suspect he tried to kind of contact me on a burner account, I had gotten a weird message on a particular post, I had posted my romance writings that I wrote only to him, it at first said that they loved my nudes and then it was promptly changed to something about loving my smile and there was a link to a male sex toy. The moderator deleted the comment but I tried to private massage the person before hand, they never responded. That account had no other activity on it than posting that comment and it was made the same day of the post. That account was deleted some weeks later.
Out of some mild paranoia, disgust, anger, resentment, I started writing so many angry posts to myself, not on public forums, about the both of them, then deleted them. This helped me move forward. In those writings, I gave myself permission to be livid and bitter, to say the shittiest things I could think to say about the both of them, it felt gratifying. They didn't need to read it, no one did, but it felt like a breath of fresh air. I have been too kind to too many people for too long for too little, those writings was the first time I gave myself permission to be a complete jerk.
I've been through far worse than this, far worse. This isn't even in the top worst 100 things I've had to cope with. I'm just in pain over trusting such a beautiful moment and then this is how it pans out. This has affected my overall trust in reaching out to new people, and that's fucked because I've only felt safe enough to reach out at all in the last 2 years or so. 4 years prior to that I was in full-hermit mode, even my online interactions were virtually non-existent. I had to survive to take care of my partner, those were very harsh days.
But this situation with this individual had a particular effect on me. He looked like my first love that I was addicted to for 15 years or so. I was addicted to that first love to cope with the abuse and dysfunction in my life while sustaining my high grades and over-achievements. I found myself repeating some of those same patterns with this online friend to cope with my current life and with my partner and myself being mentally ill/struggling all of the time.
That Thanksgiving day subconsciously felt like I got to share time with my first love again, like I got back something precious that I lost years ago. It was magical for me to feel like I had that back after so much pain and hurt for so long, and to feel like that could be part of my new life was an overwhelmingly beautiful sentiment. It was like my first love loved me back...And then I lost that in a blink of an eye without any warning during a painful/stressful time of year.
This time around I established healthier coping mechanisms along the way and that allowed me to walk away and let go of this pal for good. It hurts, it hurts so much, but a lot of that hurt is compounded by my own traumas and I've not looked either of them up since May.
I messaged her in May because there was one last thing that didn't sit well with me, she wrote about how all those women before mistreated him, I was completely edited out of his story. This pissed me off, but too, I wanted to thank her, I needed that closure, I earned that much.
Seeing their wedding stuff online, like the invites and menus, her dress, and thanking her for being there for him was the closest I would get to seeing him happy at his wedding with the love of his life. He wasn't acting like a guy that was about to marry his first love, this pissed me off too.
I hurt from this but staying would have been far worse for me. Has anyone else had this kind of experience? If so, how did you navigate it and how long approximately did it take for you to fully regroup from it?
Had I known I'd emotionally pay for this chase this much and that me loving him wouldn't matter to him at all in the long run, I would have blocked this individual when he started dating his now fiancee.
I don't regret the chase, I needed to see it through, I needed to see if how he was with me was real. If this heartache is the price to see it through, then that's alright. I've raged in so many letters to myself about this all, wrote some pretty harsh things. Not to either of them nor on any public post, just to myself. Not out of cowardice, but because I do care and I don't want to add crazy to their lives, but I need to do what helps me move forward.
It is better to see it through then to be wondering "what if". I hurt from this, but I am satisfied that there is no room for "what if" for me anymore. I used to envy her achievements a bit, but I learned of what I earned from my traumas and strife. I can catch up, in some years, only my hardships have hardened me and my will.
Her achievements, the things I could have accomplished in an alternative timeline, I no longer place that on a pedestal, I have been shattered, but I have evolved as a result too. This strength that I forged to achieve what I've achieved here, that is worth more to me than those ambitions now. I love who I am now more than who I could have been, the person I saw when I saw her photo, the version of me who was adopted out in Boston.
I am healing more everyday, but when I heal enough, I will be formidable, nothing will stop me from realizing my ambitions and living my values in this lifetime with my partner.
This hurts now, but like the rest of my wounds, it will heal in time. Writing this helped. Again if anyone went through something similar or if you have any thoughts to share, I'd greatly appreciate that.
How would something like this affect most people? What more can I do to help this heal?
submitted by Reisno to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.02 09:34 mariozamin123 All You Need to Know About Tranny Web Cam Models

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submitted by mariozamin123 to u/mariozamin123 [link] [comments]


2020.09.01 14:39 Reisno Live webcam porn

tl:dr: I'm trying to find ways to emotionally move on from a confusing online, unrequited love situation that I ended up in for 18 months while I was poly dating online. I don't look any one up and I am no longer poly dating, I meditate on this and write it out, but I struggle with this still. I am trying to navigate it while juggling everything else in my life. I'm thick skinned, so even blunt advice will be appreciated.
Where to start with this, I walked away from an online friendship thing back in April, honestly now I am not entirely sure what it was.
Back when my partner and I were still poly dating, we tried out polyamory to try to create a sense of family we didn't get to have. We are not having kids and we tried to find similar people to us to create a community with. We've since abandoned polyamory.
I was deeply traumatized on Thanksgiving and I met this person around that time back in 2018. He was loving and kind to me, at least that is what it felt like. I told him I was poly and he seemed willing to work with that at first. He talked about how he admired what I had accomplished, how beautiful I was.
I admired him too, he taught himself many things and it was lovely to hear about those interests. I wanted to learn from him, to hear about his perspective and values in life. He and I were both diagnosed with aspergers and it gave me a sense of belonging and acceptance to chat with him.
It was a short time, a couple of weeks, before he dropped the news on me quite abruptly that he found someone else to date. That would be his first girlfriend.
There was not much warning, he didn't give me much of a heads up, it went from me being the only romantic interest of his to him having a girlfriend the next day, I didn't even know he was seeing anyone else.
I almost blocked him then and there for that, but he convinced me that he wanted to stay my friend. I was in a lot of pain during the holidays then and losing that kind of connection with him hurt pretty badly, I cried for 10 hours over this loss at the time. Had this happened in January I would have been able to take the blow much better but he didn't really understand the things I had been through.
But then he showed me their photos, he talked about his time with her and he looked so happy. There they both were, smiling around christmas lights. I wanted to see him smile like that. He told me that I had a big heart for taking that, he said his girlfriend was sorry for making me cry.
He said they both had hard lives, I wanted to understand what that meant. I grew up poor, around abused kids and it was very chaotic. They were both affluent, his first car likely costed more than triple the value of the busted trailer that I grew up in for 20 years.
However, I wanted to understand their hardships, their strife, and to learn from that, to be a friend and ally in that.
He said that I was the first girl to accept him, this was confusing. I saw him as beautiful, even from the first photo he sent me, he was like a work of art to me. He inspired me.
It warmed me up to see him smile, in that moment he drew hard lines and I respected that. However, a month in he started dropping large sums of money on her, like thousands of dollars, and he was sounding frustrated with things.
Even crack addicts that I grew up around didn't blow money that fast, so I was genuinely worried about him being taken advantage of like before. He talked of how women mistreated him in the past and he looked so sad, I empathized and wanted to make sure that he was loved and looked out for, so I stayed his friend. Plus I was a bit glad that I was friendzoned so I could see what being pure friends would be like for us.
I deeply cared about him for spending that holiday with me, but a little beyond that month he started to kind of flirt with me again, saying that his girlfriend was ok with it "as long as it was porn".
At the time I was ok with this ambiguity. I was happy to have some level of that romance with him back. I wrote my words to him, what I felt for him, he swooned, at least in text. At that time I was happy for the opportunity to show him what he meant to me, at least in words. My issues were worse then, with his hectic schedule and my limitations, my writing was all I really had to work with to convey this to him.
Each month he started to get more scarce with his career, at least that is the story I got. Each month I waited to spend time with him, even just an hour a month on webcam would have been sufficient. All I wanted was just an hour a month with him on webcam with us drinking tea and coffee together, sharing our life experiences. He was scarce but still pleasant, it still seemed like he valued being my friend but was just busy with his work. Because of his work schedule and having his first girlfriend, I was very patient.
But then my partner and I had lost half of our passive income in April of 2019, this was devastating for us but an important turning point. We ate only soups for months. With this loss of income, I struggled to stay stable, we both did.
We had already been through so much for so many years, things were finally looking up and we lost half of that passive income, it was a major blow. Right around the same time, my mother reached out to me for the first time in some years, this only added to the stress. I wrote her and the rest of my relatives that I left behind in 2013 a 5000 word letter in a password protected PDF so she and the rest of them couldn't edit it. Then we blocked her, she tried to contact me through my partner's facebook. I no longer have a facebook because of her and the rest of the craziness.
I don't really have support other than my partner and I didn't know how to use reddit that well back then, I am stretched pretty thin with trying to learn my partner's native language (we live in his country), taking care of my partner (he has documented disabilities here), planning/creating online courses/content with my partner on a microscopic budget with just the two of us, learning 3D modeling and other digital art skills, and coping with my flashbacks/nightmares/sleep deprivation/fatigue, you know, that grind.
This friend was comforting. I felt ashamed for dumping so much writing onto him when he had so much to handle on his end too, but I couldn't help it, I needed a friend, I needed that sense of family that I felt with him on that Thanksgiving day back in 2018.
I never wanted financial assistance or any sort of money from him, I'm weird like that. I don't like people spending money on me, he said once that he liked that about me, that I wasn't after his money like the other women who mistreated him. Being given gifts, especially expensive gifts, scares the shit out of me because of the things I've been through. I don't even like being around expensive things, especially if they are fragile/breakable. I suppose this is how deeply I've internalized poverty.
I wanted to show this friend that I was more than what I came from, to demonstrate that what I felt for him, the love I had for him, didn't have a price tag, that he didn't need to pay money to have someone worthwhile love him. I wanted to show him that and I accomplished that goal.
Every time I wrote to him, it conjured our few moments together. I deeply treasured those moments. There were days where I wrote to him romance/erotica, days where I wrote of my own disabilities but how I was pushing through despite it, days where I lost lucidity and destabilized (this is a side effect of the pills I was thrown on as well as a trauma and stress).
I shared my life with him as if I had that hour a month on webcam with him, as if he was there with me through it all.
I struggle with mental health issues but I never lashed out at him, I work to improve them and it takes years to fix issues like this. I even told him that if it was all too much and if he couldn't handle being my friend because of it, that would be ok. I gave him many outs.
I wrote over a 100,000 words to him to keep my sanity in check while I pushed through weightloss and other tasks to stabilize my life and to take care of my partner in 2019. He didn't tell me to stop, but he got even scarcer. Every so often he kind of covertly encouraged the sexy stories, this fueled my hope. He has a hectic work schedule and communicated this much, I trusted that this was the reason for his habitual scarcity.
Then came July, when my partner looked up his reddit and saw he had ads to flirt with other people with his girlfriend. This friend told me he was dying on discord that same month. I was afraid of him dying, I took his word for it, I sobbed for months over the possibility of him dying. Sure it stung that they were doing poly stuff and I was cut out of that completely, but I would have preferred him lying to me about him dying than him actually on his death bed. It hurt that they were doing poly things without me while he kind of judged me for being poly, but what hurt worse was the relentless funeral flashes I had of him for 2 months straight afterwards.
Intrusive, relentless, and vivid images of him in a casket flooded my mind and made me buckle over in pain every single fucking day for 2 months.
I waited for a couple of months on edge, seeing this friend's funeral play over and over in my mind, this eroded my stability even more, him struggling and me being unable to do anything about it. It was horrible. All I had was his texts, this friend's word. It had occurred to me then that if this friend ever died, I don't even matter enough to be notified of that. That was a sickening, haunting feeling.
I drowned that feeling to stay his friend as best as I could, he started to pull through it in August/September, all of this in text, scarce text.
October rolled around, I wanted to just see this friend for my birthday on webcam, not even for anything sexual, I just wanted to see him alive and well, even for just 10-15 minutes. I saw his funeral play over and over in my mind for months, I just needed to see his smile to ease those flashes.
He wished me happy birthday in passing four days later, his career was coming apart and Thanksgiving was around the corner. I knew that I'd destabilize over the holidays and I didn't want to dump that on him during his struggle and also I knew that he'd likely introduce his girlfriend to his family for the first time.
That, that had cut me in a particular way, going from having that Thanksgiving back in 2018 to being completely amputated out of his life by Thanksgiving of 2019. I left for two months so I wouldn't have to feel the full force of that reality and to work on patching myself up. I blocked him on discord so I wouldn't blow up his messages but I did leave a message explaining myself and an email if he needed to reach out to me, if he needed a friend.
He didn't even wish me happy Thanksgiving.
Randomly, literally randomly, I stumbled onto a post on reddit that had "success story" posted on it, I hadn't seen that before, it was odd so I read it. The details were very familiar, I pieced together that this was his girlfriend writing about their relationship. She seemed to really care about him, that made me smile. I cried, but I was happy for him, truly.
I wasn't sure if he had gotten my discord message when I blocked him, so that late December I messaged him on reddit if he wanted to be my friend, if I was someone worth knowing to him, that I unblocked him on discord. He friend requested me on discord the same day, it was surprisingly prompt.
I was still unstable from the holidays so I kept my words a bit scarce till January. He told me that he was no longer something I could have. I didn't know what to make of this, this confused me.
I sent a photo one day and my shirt was loose, he thought I did that on purpose but it was loose because I had lost 70lbs in 2019 and my clothes were huge. This kicked off more intense flirtation.
I was becoming more emotionally messed up over him, at that point I was sending any sort of sexy photos if it just meant that I could hear from him and know he was alive. He is at risk with covid with his lungs and he didn't slow down after almost dying in July, this fucked me up on a lot of levels. I was sending nude photos to try to incentivize him, to practically beg him, to take better care of himself and to just see him.
I even reminded him to take his inhaler, he had acquired asthma and a number of allergies in 2019, and because he didn't take that inhaler for 2 months straight (while I was reminding him) he got sick and almost died in July. This only added to the horror for me. I tried to help him and I was dismissed, likely ignored.
He started sending photos to me for the first time since he started dating her. He said he loved my writing for the first time, he talked of how beautiful I looked these days, like I looked like a different person. He talked of my unusual skin color, how it was pale (implying that I looked better with pale skin, this rubbed me wrong but I let it slide then). He was treating me like I was a different person, this felt sickening.
At first sending him sexy things of myself felt amazing, and then it started to feel disgusting. It felt like I was paying for his time, his very scarce time, with my nudes. I was paying for his time to interact with me just so I could see he was alive. This level of desperation was becoming depressing and awful.
I asked about his girlfriend and he was very, very dodgy about that. This rubbed me wrong too. I wanted to meet her, to thank her for being what I couldn't for him. She had doctor friends that helped him when he got sick in July. She had stable career, I couldn't earn this with the family and circumstances I was granted despite my best efforts.
I was a scholarship student with a duel major and a 3.89/4.0 once, but my own upbringing and mental illnesses, along with getting abused by the mental health systems that I turned to in order to help myself, ripped that from underneath of me. I ended up homeless 2 years after graduation, I had to flee abroad to earn another chance at life.
Back then, I had one chance in life, one, and I got ill. I got punished for 10 years because I got ill, as an individual that comes from 4 generations of mental illness and abuse. She achieved the things that I couldn't because I came from poverty, mental illness, and abuse/dysfunction and I didn't have the community/social savvy/funds to earn better for myself.
It was like he chose an unbroken version of me, he even said that we were similar on a few occasions. I was almost given up for adoption at birth, it was like he chose the version of me that got adopted out to a loving family in Boston, the version of me that didn't go through the things that I went through. At the time, that felt pretty fucking awful, especially during the most painful time of year for me.
It felt fucking awful to feel like I got acceptance and even respect from someone I admired one minute to being tossed aside for a better model the next.
I understood and forgave that, I wanted to hug her for being there for him. I loved her for loving him in my place, even though I never met her. She achieved my dreams of becoming fluent in Japanese and living/working in Japan, she achieved the things I couldn't in this lifetime, the things that were once my dreams and ambitions, the things I was fully capable of earning for myself if I wasn't dragged down over and over again, the things I was forced to let go of to retain what sanity I had left to push forward.
At first I resented that life didn't break her like it broke me, sometimes that resentment bubbles up, but overall, even though he paid tens of thousands of dollars to date her basically, she seems to be sticking by him and I appreciate that.
Mid-April was the last straw for me. I gave the most I could give, and the trajectory of our dynamic disgusted me. I was getting nothing out of it besides a slow boiling sense of rage. I walked away then and didn't reach out to him again. In May I looked her up, and I saw that they were engaged.
He didn't tell me that he was engaged, they were engaged for months and he didn't tell me. He dodged the fact that he was getting engaged as he was flirting more with me. I felt so disgusting for sending an engaged man, a man engaged in a monogamous marriage, my nude photos. I got too desperate for that fleeting sense of family I had with him, I chased him online for 18 months for a day I'd never have with him again, he was never truly forthcoming about this, I was just getting dismissed and muted.
Until I got hot enough to notice again.
I suspect he tried to kind of contact me on a burner account, I had gotten a weird message on a particular post, I had posted my romance writings that I wrote only to him, it at first said that they loved my nudes and then it was promptly changed to something about loving my smile and there was a link to a male sex toy. The moderator deleted the comment but I tried to private massage the person before hand, they never responded. That account had no other activity on it than posting that comment and it was made the same day of the post. That account was deleted some weeks later.
Out of some mild paranoia, disgust, anger, resentment, I started writing so many angry posts to myself, not on public forums, about the both of them, then deleted them. This helped me move forward. In those writings, I gave myself permission to be livid and bitter, to say the shittiest things I could think to say about the both of them, it felt gratifying. They didn't need to read it, no one did, but it felt like a breath of fresh air. I have been too kind to too many people for too long for too little, those writings was the first time I gave myself permission to be a complete jerk.
I've been through far worse than this, far worse. This isn't even in the top worst 100 things I've had to cope with. I'm just in pain over trusting such a beautiful moment and then this is how it pans out. This has affected my overall trust in reaching out to new people, and that's fucked because I've only felt safe enough to reach out at all in the last 2 years or so. 4 years prior to that I was in full-hermit mode, even my online interactions were virtually non-existent. I had to survive to take care of my partner, those were very harsh days.
But this situation with this individual had a particular effect on me. He looked like my first love that I was addicted to for 15 years or so. I was addicted to that first love to cope with the abuse and dysfunction in my life while sustaining my high grades and over-achievements. I found myself repeating some of those same patterns with this online friend to cope with my current life and with my partner and myself being mentally ill/struggling all of the time.
That Thanksgiving day subconsciously felt like I got to share time with my first love again, like I got back something precious that I lost years ago. It was magical for me to feel like I had that back after so much pain and hurt for so long, and to feel like that could be part of my new life was an overwhelmingly beautiful sentiment. It was like my first love loved me back...And then I lost that in a blink of an eye without any warning during a painful/stressful time of year.
This time around I established healthier coping mechanisms along the way and that allowed me to walk away and let go of this pal for good. It hurts, it hurts so much, but a lot of that hurt is compounded by my own traumas and I've not looked either of them up since May.
I messaged her in May because there was one last thing that didn't sit well with me, she wrote about how all those women before mistreated him, I was completely edited out of his story. This pissed me off, but too, I wanted to thank her, I needed that closure, I earned that much.
Seeing their wedding stuff online, like the invites and menus, her dress, and thanking her for being there for him was the closest I would get to seeing him happy at his wedding with the love of his life. He wasn't acting like a guy that was about to marry his first love, this pissed me off too.
I hurt from this but staying would have been far worse for me. Has anyone else had this kind of experience? If so, how did you navigate it and how long approximately did it take for you to fully regroup from it?
Had I known I'd emotionally pay for this chase this much and that me loving him wouldn't matter to him at all in the long run, I would have blocked this individual when he started dating his now fiancee.
I don't regret the chase, I needed to see it through, I needed to see if how he was with me was real. If this heartache is the price to see it through, then that's alright. I've raged in so many letters to myself about this all, wrote some pretty harsh things. Not to either of them nor on any public post, just to myself. Not out of cowardice, but because I do care and I don't want to add crazy to their lives, but I need to do what helps me move forward.
It is better to see it through then to be wondering "what if". I hurt from this, but I am satisfied that there is no room for "what if" for me anymore. I used to envy her achievements a bit, but I learned of what I earned from my traumas and strife. I can catch up, in some years, only my hardships have hardened me and my will.
Her achievements, the things I could have accomplished in an alternative timeline, I no longer place that on a pedestal, I have been shattered, but I have evolved as a result too. This strength that I forged to achieve what I've achieved here, that is worth more to me than those ambitions now. I love who I am now more than who I could have been, the person I saw when I saw her photo, the version of me who was adopted out in Boston.
I am healing more everyday, but when I heal enough, I will be formidable, nothing will stop me from realizing my ambitions and living my values in this lifetime with my partner.
This hurts now, but like the rest of my wounds, it will heal in time. Writing this helped. Again if anyone went through something similar or if you have any thoughts to share, I'd greatly appreciate that.
How would something like this affect most people? What more can I do to help this heal?
submitted by Reisno to polyamory [link] [comments]


2020.08.25 02:02 Bunnie-zahkunt Live webcam porn

I am being watched I have been since We moved into this house I know this because he told me what I was wearing the day I moved in. I didn’t realize it for the first three years Ididnt realize that anything was amiss. it started off with lil stuff like My WiFi was hacked or broken into easily enough I could tell cause the app claims we used like a terabyte a month two people who both work 8 hours and sleep all night and we definitely don’t download mostly stream there is no way not even even watching Disney channel app ok meybey with the Disney app But It always said we used at least tarabyte no matter if we are gone for three weeks. Other stuff my computer won’t stay turned off and the Ram litterally melted. I have apple stuff and everything went batshit haywire when I tried to upgrade my operating system and make everything connected. Turns out it already was but not in a way I wanted or could have really comprehend or or foreseen. I tried to make my husbands and my phone be on the same cloud and I got a bunch of strange phone numbers. There was maps of places I had been in my maps folders and a bunch of wierd catfishy type accounts set up with my and my husbands information. As I went to show my husband they all disappeared in the time it took me to go outside. There were videos uploaded to pornhub and red tube accounts attached to the fake accounts and as I looked thru them they poof poof poof erased right before my very eyes. the porn videos got removed as I tried to click on them and fake accounts closed,disconnected ,or made private. My phone keeps having this screen mirroring thing that I can’t click on or change nor when I look thru setting do I find any for it. I have seen my phone setting change before my eyes sometimes arguing with me as I try to set various settings also my iPhone and my I pad went back to previously installed operating systems (6 and 10) they did this several deferent times. I have definitely been hacked there is no way around it. But by whom some Russian teens ? Identity thieves? Bit Minors using my tech as part of there computer farm? Or The neighborhood youths( this is where S.T.E.M.classes get you) The first time I used the internet I was 14 what the kids these days get up to is obscene. But yes I am being stalked by one of the neighborhood “kids” He hacked into my “mainframe” jk I always wanted to say that anyway He has completly took over my interweb he is prolly seeing this right now and talking shit. I know he sees everything I do online and more because he has told Me so. Yes I am being stalked to the extreme It doesn’t End with just hacking It has gone way beyond that way more has happened Some “online” and some IRL. As I type it out it sounds like I am crazy or drugged up or yanking your chain or something it’s verry unbelievable even to me and even when it is happening. like I said Started the day I moved in to our rental house or more precisely when we went to the open house. He was watching even then. The house has been a rental for over 20 years spending many months supposedly unoccupied. When you move into a rental you sometimes think about who may have lived there before She was a young college type chick only stayed for about 6 months. She was also a victim though I doubt she knows. I said it started the first time I stepped foot in the house but for me it really really Started the first week of April 2018 at least that’s when I first made contact or shall I say they first made contact. I was home sick really really sick I was in pain and I thought I was alone so I was moaning and groaning and carrying on like I was gonna die. I had one of those kinda pains that you just begg it to stop and i was literally begging the air to help me and make it stop . Then I heard like a shuffling and muffled shut up like two people arguing a lil Then in a clearer louder voice I heard ( I couldn’t tell were it was coming from at first) I heard Are you ok? It was loud and clear I was verry out of it so I answered in the same way I would if I was speaking to a person who peeped there head in the room. I said I was sorry I’m just in pain I won’t die there is nothing that can be done.( by now I realized the Xbox was on and the sound had to be coming from there) They asked if I needed an ambulance or if I was sure I was ok I thanked them for there concern and said I would be ok. I thought I had somehow left a chat open or I dunno part of me knew I had been hacked.This Part was Correct more than I ever could have known my gawd if I had only known. One week later I was cleaning the window and I looked out and two teenagers were going back and forth in the neighbors yard all I heard is WE Should tell her. Then I heard Hey Girl and muffled words ( my brother) is watching you he is not a serial killer or anything but then it was muffled again. I kinda freaked out and since it was a rental and my husband and I both work and the house had been empty all day all week for years I got paranoid and checked all the fire alarms ( for cameras I guess ) but I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I should have gone outside and talked to them got more information something I regret not going out there. This is when my normal ends and a new weirdness enters my life. A weirdness Were in my car and in my house and even at my job ( two different ones) were I’m being monitored and watched I know it’s on/with my phone it I can’t be with out one for work and were ever I go he basically rides along using my phone for his digital vehicle and installs himself on the WiFi when I get there Super computer users know this is possible and easy if you know how and have the tech and my i phone x is the perfect vehicle that I can’t be with out and thus have to take everywhere. though I think he would prefer if I got aAndroid. The last two places ( not just the place but the corporations that run them)I have worked have been “hacked” The place I go for psychological and addiction counciling has been admittedly ( he told me he did)hacked. This sounds like some TechPasta but it’s Really really true. My stalker whom I will call Caleb. He likes the name Caleb He also likes to put up hidden cameras and hack into any and all security,ring.traffic cam ,webcam, any IPcams he can get his electronic tentacles around he will get access. I know this because he has told me what I was doing in the self check out stand at the grocery store in our neighborhood and he has admitted it himself. When he started talking to me I pretended I couldn’t hear him it would be at 3 am when I couldn’t sleep and I’d go out to the living room to smoke some weed. the X box would turn on by its self and I would hear his voice come out of it like it was an Alexa and He would talk to me finally telling me he knew I could hear him and to stop pretending I couldn’t. I would have thought I was crazy but I saw the glowing green ring of the X box to let me know that this is fucking real and actually happening. He would Tell me all sorts of Obsessive but sweet things Talking to him was a roller coaster ride But It is thru these 3am talks that I came to find out that there were hidden cameras all over my house many of them pointed at the shower and the closet as he thought when he was younger that girls get dressed in the closet. He also revealed that not only was he obsessed with me he thought he was in love with me. Prolly the worst part as I know that obsessive love can turn bitter and scary if scorned or not eased down as gently as possible and then sometimes even then. I’ll admit he was quite sweet and flattering and I flirted with him sometimes he was fun to talk to and I enjoyed the conversations Plus what do you do when when you find out something like this it took some maneuvering to get him to admit he put up cameras Plus knowing that This has been going on for a long time and has been slowly escalating for him since he was a young teen he used to sneak into my rental house when it was empty and day dream about living here and while he was at it he wired the bee-otch up for sound and video from one side to the next up in the crawl space the same one I found open with a dent in the top my brand new dryer that sits right underneath with my dryer being covered in attic dust randomly and my husband telling me it must have been the wind? (Wtf ) and down under the house we’re one day I heard all this mocking about right underneath me and when I got up to run out there I heard a slam saw the cover ajar and heard a thump on the other side of the 6foot fence I promptly put a 4foot section of train rail up against it. I wish I was fast enough to catch him. Later he got mad at me and blamed me for hurting his leg I guess the fall on the other side of the fence was a lot harder than he thought. He said he thought we were playing a game knocking back and forth at each other.i didn’t say it but We were a game we’re I was making sure I wasn’t tripping so I could run out there and trap Him. So Far LOng story short It’s April or Early May 2018 and I am talking with the kid who Hacked my WiFi all my devices and has harnessed my Mac to mine I’m not sure what but obviously something prolly data The kid that has been watching me for years and Now it’s progressed to full on stalking though I am not sure how long he has been coming into my house for I have a suspicion he was in here a few times at least before my mother in-law moved in as the house was empty all day and I don’t think he could have resisted He started out this whole thing as a teen now he is in his Early twenties and needs to get his life together I know you are reading this “Caleb” do something else and leave me alone. Like I said I know he is using various stalking and secret apps and breaking into my accounts and screen mirroring and other compustuff I don’t know about and didn’t even believe in before this so I know he is reading this I wonder if I will even be able to post it or get it seen. This IS JUST THE BEGINNING I’ll tell you more if there is any interest.
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