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I’m the f@**~* he can’t provide that for me. Also, I’m too needy in his estimation, so he shouldn’t have to try and meet those needs. OK, I’m done. But we have kids and just found out he has an aggressive form of prostate cancer. I’m locked in. Half of UK families now have just one child. But when Sabine Durrant was growing up, only children like her were seen as weird. She recalls a feeling of missing out on excitement, and considers ... Do you wonder if you should be concerned about a child's behavior? Are you worried that a child is being abused? Are you concerned about a child or teen's behavior towards another child or teen? Identify the warning signs of sexual abuse. Find out about healthy sexual development. Learn what can be done when a child abuses another child. Get help to talk to other parents about Here’s Why I’m Glad. ... She was the troubled, restless child of a mentally ill mother and an alcoholic father and had been out on the streets since she was 16. My dad loved her and she loved him, but her love of horse-racing and gambling was more compelling. ... it’s clear my dad is my only father. My love for him only seems stronger ... Chris: On the day that I found out, I was like, I wanted to reject her, because I said my boundary was I will not raise another man’s child from an affair. My mom put me straight. My mom put me ... Some people choose to cut off a family member not because of abuse but because of religious belief, conflict, betrayal, addiction, mental illness, or criminal or unhealthy behaviors.Unless the ... I'm on the phone with Owen Williams (not his real name), who just found out yesterday that the tired child I hear crying in the background, the child he's been rocking to sleep every night, the ... I'm 23, only child and I just found out, I'm not my parents' real kid. (self.offmychest) submitted 10 months ago * by Dvdert6. Hi! I have a story I wanted to share. It happened just hours ago. I have a huge extended family, cuz my mom and dad have many siblings. I grew up to this lavish (for me it is lavish but we are not rich) lifestyle. I’m 16 years old i found out two days ago that i was an indigo i didn’t understand at first so i began reaching, the more information i found the more confused i got i started to ask my mom questions about when i was little, i always knew i was different i conceited with animal more then i did people same with a spirit i knew when i was ... I get why you’ve withdrawn from the child and likely his mother. You are reeling not only from a breakup with your ex but also from an ongoing deception, which makes you question the whole ...

2020.09.25 19:48 dogeman87 Sex reality hidden

You know how it goes. They tell you you’re the perfect child. You were so perfect that they didn’t want to have any more. You’re smart, caring, sociable. Any goal they set for you is reached. Any goal you set for yourself is too high, but you reach it anyways.
I imagine that is how most only children feel at some point. My parents are wonderful people, and I think most of what they say about me is true, even if they tend to sugarcoat it. Now that I’m in college, I do some more questionable things that they might not approve of, but who doesn’t?
In truth, I’m not as perfect as they make me out to be. I’m an above-average student, but I’m not pre-med or engineering. I’m majoring in economics. I do well, I get solid A’s and a few B’s, and I’m active in a couple clubs. I still have no idea what I want to do in life, though.
I’ve only dated one girl, all the way back in sophomore year of high school. The relationship fell apart at the beginning of senior year. We split amicably, I think. Since then, I just haven’t found anyone. You know how it is, scrolling through Tinder and finding so many prospects but then realizing that all of them are either assholes or comically awkward.
Does it bother me? No. None of it does. I couldn’t care less if I’m dating or doing well in school. As long as I’m maintaining my GPA and having fun, classes don’t bother me. I go to parties, I hang out with friends, I smoke a bit of weed every now and then. I’m living the college life.
Well, I was. Then I had this conversation with my dad my freshman year. I’m a senior now. It seemed harmless enough. He asked how my week went, and I told him fine. I asked how he and mom were doing, and he said fine. He asked me what my grades were. Normal, I told him. A’s and B’s. He was satisfied.
Before he hung up, he admitted something to me. “Grant,” he said. “Have you noticed anything strange lately?”
I was dumbfounded. “No, Dad. What do you mean?”
“I don’t know.”
He left it at that, and I could only speculate what he had meant. He wouldn’t elaborate. He only told me to have a great rest of my day.
The next evening, he washed up dead on the riverbank.
*
After two weeks, the police gave up. They said the cause of death was drowning. The autopsy matched up, I guess. They don’t know who did it. The fact that there was foul play is obvious, because my dad was stripped of his wedding ring and clothes and he lived far away from the river.
I had to fly halfway across the country for the funeral. I ended up taking incompletes for my classes that semester. The day would not move fast enough. The services took forever. I don’t remember much, only shaking a lot of people’s hands and watching my mother fall apart. That was the hardest part, I think, watching her sob uncontrollably. Nothing is more disturbing than watching a loved one break down like that. It hits hard, harder than a punch or a knife to the gut. It twists your stomach until you can’t eat anymore, can’t sleep, or maybe you sleep for fifteen hours and still feel exhausted.
I don’t like to dwell on the funeral, so I won’t. I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks. You can picture what it was like.
I returned to school the next semester. Everyone was sympathetic, but at the same time they gave me space. They knew I didn’t want to talk about it. What college student would? How weird would that have been, breaking down at a party or in the middle of class and talking about my dead dad? Normal, yes, but also embarrassing as hell.
Nevertheless, I found myself talking about it with some girl. I was drunk, way too drunk for my own good. One thing they don’t tell you at parties is how to pace yourself. College kids don’t have much tolerance for alcohol. A couple beers is all it takes to get wasted, for some of us.
I was a little different. I’m tall, over six feet, so I could take more than most. Still, I had only been to a handful of parties at that point. It only took a couple hours to lose self-control.
The girl was pretty. I remember that, though I don’t remember what she actually looked like. She consoled me for a while. I don’t remember why I was talking about my dad, either. I’m sure she had heard the story already. Word got around campus fast. She still listened.
I’m not sure how it escalated, but one thing led to another, and the next thing I remember she was sucking my dick in a closet. Sounds bad, I know, and it was. Not as bad as some of the other things, though. Someone had brought coke- thank God I didn’t go for that- and as we’d made our way to the back of the house, I saw a couple having sex on the couch. In the middle of the room. People were just walking around them like it was nothing.
At least I wore a condom?
Whatever. College is crazy. Case closed. Right?
I wish it were that simple. Thing is, after we had sex the girl, understandably, left me by myself. Probably went to blow some other guy. I went back into the main room, and that’s when things started to go to shit.
They were still doing coke. One of the guys offered some. When I declined, he pressed a straw into my hand instead. I told him he could go shove it. For some reason, the guy didn’t react. He just turned back to the table.
I knew I had to get out of there. Getting caught with alcohol is one thing. But coke? I could go to prison for that. I started extracting myself from the room when I heard it.
There was someone in the bathroom at the top of the stairs. They were whimpering. My first guess was sex, because I’d seen so much of it already that night. But there was only one voice, and the whimpers sounded like pain. Then there was a thud.
I knocked on the door. No response. I rattled the doorknob, and of course it was locked. Then I kicked the door in. The guy that I’d heard was on the floor. There was a little blood, but most startling was the pool of vomit and the guy’s facial expression. He looked dead. I checked his pulse, determined that he was indeed alive, then rolled him onto his side and pulled out my phone to call an ambulance.
That’s when I saw the shadow. It was so faint. I’m not sure how I noticed, really, except for the fact that it shifted. I looked at the shower curtain. Fear settled in my stomach then. I realized that I was in a room on the second floor, far from the rest of the party, with no one but the passed-out guy within calling distance.
The shadow was just from a headlight outside. I began to breath again. Then I felt the hand on my shoulder.
I tried to scream. Another hand slowly closed around my mouth. It was cold and leathery, and wet. I tasted what was probably blood, and I suspected it was from the hand. I began to hyperventilate, which, as you might have guessed, was a really bad idea when my airway was being blocked. I pretty much was asking to lose consciousness.
The hand that had grabbed my shoulder moved down my back. I felt what I can only describe as a tonguelike protrusion running over my neck. I trembled. I figured I was about to die. I would be lying on the floor like this guy, killed by a monster, and no one would find us until next morning at the earliest, and undoubtedly they would think I died the same way as him.
Amazingly, my first thought was of my mom. She couldn’t deal with another death in the family. She would lose it, as anyone would. That, more than the immediate threat that had presented itself, chilled me.
That’s when I ripped the hand from my mouth and screamed. The hand fell on the floor, disintegrated into dust, and I screamed some more.
Whatever had been behind me was gone. I knew it the second it left, because the room suddenly warmed up. I had not realized it had been so cold. Probably I had been too caught up in the moment. The temperature now was like a sauna in comparison.
I looked around frantically. I examined the walls, the ceiling, brushed back the shower curtain, peered carefully behind the toilet. There was nothing. I sat there on the floor for a while, waiting for the shadow and the monster to return. My skin crawled, thinking of that leathery hand on my mouth, the tongue leaving saliva on my neck.
If I had been doing coke, I could have chalked it up to a hallucination. But I’d been clean. I’d had a few beers, but at that moment I was pretty lucid. I was certainly more lucid than the guy on the floor.
I had forgotten about him, actually. I looked at my phone, which had fallen on the floor during my encounter with the shadow, and I picked it up. I dialed 911, told them what had happened, then left. The next morning half a dozen people were looking at drug charges in addition to underage drinking.
The guy that I found? He recovered. I think after that he didn’t go to any more parties. I don’t blame him. His blood alcohol content was .35, if I remember correctly. He should have been dead.
I didn’t go to many other parties, but for a different reason. My name had not been used in the paper, so my mom didn’t know. There was no pressure from her or anyone else, least of all the police, who chastised me but were happy that I did the right thing. No, it was the shadow that stopped me. I didn’t want to be in a place where everyone was drunk or coked out again, because if I was that shadow could return and probably kill me. I’m certain that it left because it thought others would find it. It was waiting for a time when I was alone.
Much better to stay home, in the safety of the dorms, with my two other roommates and the dozen others that were within earshot and sober. Much better to forget what had happened, chalk it up to stress or a laced drink, and go on with my life as I had before.
Thing is, it’s never that simple. I wasn’t able to forget about the monster, because that wasn’t the last time I saw it.
\*
My roommates were out, and I was by myself. That was the first mistake. Jason had gone to a D&D game. Richard had been invited to a party by one of the football players, somehow. He’s not athletic, not particularly impressive in any way, but he’s chill as hell. Everyone is his friend, which is probably how he got invited.
I wasn’t doing much. I was not alone, either. There were people on either side of my room, behind the walls, guys who were probably jerking off or playing video games. Me? I was reading a book. I know, not exactly what you would expect from someone my age. But I like reading. I especially like Stephen King (which may have been the wrong thing to read at that moment), and that’s what I was reading when I heard the noise.
I didn’t react to it. I figured someone was outside. We lived in suites, where four or five rooms shared a semi-private bathroom. It was a hell of a lot better than the bathrooms in other dorms, which were set up for entire floors. Here you could have some privacy.
The bathroom door closed. There was a loud grunt, then a plop. I sighed. It was probably Randolph. He takes the largest shits of anyone I have ever known. He can sit there for twenty minutes and keep dropping them. Usually we have to use the plunger or call maintenance when that happens. That night, though, would be different.
He gave out a yelp, and then I heard the door slam. I looked up. My door was partially closed, so I walked over to open it, and that’s when I saw him. He was slumped over on the toilet.
I ran over to him, ignored the penis in his hands, and checked for a pulse. He seemed fine. There were no wounds on him. He hadn’t moved, either, had obviously passed out on the seat. So how had the door been flung open?
I felt it again. The hand. It was on my arm this time. I would have let out a scream had it not clamped down. It felt like my bones were being grinded together. The pain was so immense that my vision flickered, and I could only whimper.
I was thrown back into my room. Somehow, I landed on my bed. Then I saw it. The monster was there, standing in the doorway. Perhaps demon is a better word. It was tall, maybe seven or eight feet, and it was completely black. I don’t mean black as in a black laptop or shirt or an xbox. This thing defied logic. It seemed to be so dark that light did nothing to illuminate it.
It had horns, antler-like but distinct in that they came from the side of its head and were not very long. The eyes were the worst. They were coal-black, with tinges of red where white should have been. And they were looking straight at me.
I did scream then. Someone said something in an adjacent room. The demon’s head whipped to the side unnaturally, like a kid whipping a pool noodle, and then it scrambled into the ceiling. Yeah, you read that right. It went into the ceiling, climbed up the walls like a drugged-up lizard and just phased through the tiles.
I didn’t move until the RA came over. He noticed Randolph first. Surprisingly, he did not make any snide remarks about Randolph’s dick. He called campus police before asking me what had happened. I told him. I asked if I would be in trouble. He said no way, because I obviously had not hurt Randolph. What had happened to him was a mystery.
Well, until the police arrived. They took him in, and I heard that he tested positive for MDMA. Ecstasy. I had not known him to be the druggie type. I mean, most college students experiment, but doing it in the dorm? It was asking for trouble. And Randolph was not stupid. He was a lot smarter than me, got a single B first semester and didn’t have to study as hard as most of us.
I wished he had been awake to see the demon. If he had been, of course, I suspect the demon would not have showed. It seemed to be fixated on me and me alone. It did not want to be seen by others. That was a comfort, I suppose, if not downright terrifying. There would be moments, I was sure, where I was forced to be alone. In the dorm or at a party or in a bathroom between classes… forgive me for the cliché, but the possibilities were endless.
So I told my roommates about what had happened. They didn’t get back until late that night, well after I had gone to sleep. I don’t know how I did. I guess I’m a heavy sleeper, is all. You kind of have to be if you want any rest in a dorm, at least one as rowdy as ours can get.
None of us had classes the next morning. Jason was skeptical, as he should have been. If he had told me about monsters and demons, I wouldn’t have believed him. Richard was more open to the idea, but he didn’t seem to care. He told me to chill out. I was too stressed, he said. Did I need to talk about what had happened last semester?
“It has nothing to do with that,” I snapped.
He raised his hands. “Hey, dude, don’t yell at me. I’m just trying to help.”
“Yeah,” I told him. “I know.”
“Then listen to me, man. You need to take a breather. When’s the last time you went to a party? Hey, you know what, I’ve got the perfect idea. I met this girl last night. Super hot and friendly. She’s your type. I think-“
“I’m not looking for a hookup,” I said flatly.
“What? You’re gonna turn down sex?”
I stared at him, and I think he finally got the message. He shut up.
“I have an idea,” Jason said. “What if we set up surveillance? I know a place where we can get hidden cameras. It’s not far from campus. I’ll get them after class Friday. If it doesn’t like being watched, like you say, then it shouldn’t bother you again.”
I knew Jason didn’t believe me. Still, the fact that he wanted to ease my nerves meant a lot. He’s not the most outgoing kind of guy. He’s a nerd, a chemistry student with a passion for chemistry and nothing else. He’s involved in academic extracurriculars only. I think he’s dated before, but I never learned the details. He doesn’t talk about girls. I only know that there’s this one girl in my English class, Jessica, who says he’s a creep.
We stuck to the plan. It wasn’t foolproof- I would find myself alone outside of the dorm eventually- but it was good enough. As it turned out, I would be by myself Saturday morning. Jason had a club meeting that for some reason had not been held during the week, and Richard was going on a date. He has unconventional good looks- long black hair, brown eyes, thin beard with just the right shape- and he’s smooth. Like, more smooth than should be humanly possible. He’s chill around us and chiller around girls, like he’s known them forever. They love that about him, how genuine he can be.
I begged one of them to stay. Jason told me, understandably, that he couldn’t miss the meeting. Richard was not about to ghost the girl he had been building a relationship with for the past month. Jason said I could always call for the RA or other guys in the dorm. I figured he was right. I also figured I didn’t want the demon to show up at all. Screw proving it to my roommates- I just wanted it to go away.
It didn’t appear until two hours after Jason left. Richard had already been gone for a while, had probably made his way back to the girl’s room. I heard it before I saw it. The demon made a slithering sound when it walked. I had not noticed before because it always appeared, never really moved across the room.
I looked up. You’d think seeing it two times before would make it less scary. You’d be wrong. Having a seven-foot, black-skinned behemoth with antlers and red eyes stand over you, it’s just too much. I screamed like a girl. I guess that time it didn’t get close enough to shut me up.
Its head darted toward the door, and for some reason I took my eyes off the thing. Jason was standing there with his backpack in his hand. His jaw had dropped so far open I thought he would shriek like one of those possessed people in horror movies. The demon skittered up the wall and through the ceiling.
We looked at each other for a while, neither of us speaking. He was still holding his backpack in one hand. I was halfway out of my chair, frozen, ready to spring up at the sight of another monster. Finally he dropped his backpack, and I fell into my seat.
“What the fuck was that?” Jason said. His words startled me. I almost never heard him swear.
“It’s what I told you about,” I said. Even as I spoke, Jason was climbing on the bed, reaching for one of the cameras, taking it down and hooking it up to his laptop. “Now you believe me?”
“I think I have to,” he said, laughing nervously. “Unless we’re both insane.”
He tinkered with his laptop for a while. When he started cursing, I walked over and asked what the problem was. He just pointed to the screen. I looked and saw the timestamp in the bottom left corner. Twenty minutes ago, about when he had walked in and saw the demon. The room was empty. Then I saw him appear in the doorway, flabbergasted, before climbing on the bed and taking down the camera. The footage ended there.
“It didn’t show up,” I said.
“We’re both crazy, after all,” he told me.
“No, we’re not. Think about it. Would a demon want to show itself? This is the first time someone else has seen it. If you hadn’t walked in when you did, I doubt you would have ever gotten your proof.”
He rubbed his chin. “You might be right.”
“You can’t tell me you think that was a hallucination. I told you about it earlier this week. How the hell do you explain seeing what I had already seen?”
“Yeah,” Jason sighed. “I just was hoping it wasn’t real.”
We talked about it for a while. He wanted to know exactly what had happened at the party. I wasn’t sure what good it would do, but I told him anyways. There was no harm in sharing. Besides, I wanted to tell someone. I had only mentioned the demon in vague details when I had first seen it. Telling the whole story, about how it had emerged from a shadow and almost suffocated me to death, that would have been a red flag for sure. Jason would have referred me to the counseling office.
We waited for Richard to get home. When he did, he was drunk on ecstasy or alcohol or both. I don’t mean the drug ecstasy, either. He was grinning stupidly, and I was sure he’d have some wild sex story to talk about. Before he could share, Jason started explaining rapidly what had happened, and he sobered up fast.
*
Richard hadn’t been skeptical from the start. Hearing Jason talk about the demon only made him more convinced. He wanted to summon it immediately and fight.
“We’ll be killed,” I told him.
“Nah,” he said. “I can call in some of my buddies. I think one of them, that football player that lives off campus? I think he has a gun.”
“Jesus, Rich,” Jason said. “You want to bring a gun into the dorm?”
He shrugged. “Would they blame us if we were hunting a demon?”
“Yes, they would,” I told him. “There are no guns allowed. Besides, the thing didn’t show up on camera.”
“Oh. Right.”
We hinged on a plan that admittedly had more flaws than a third-grade essay. Jason did some research. He had to go through the deep web, which I know nothing about, and he found some information. First, he determined that, from my description, the demon supposedly took away men’s fertility.
Had it killed my father?
I didn’t want to think about that. It hardly mattered what had happened, because the past would not change.
We didn’t really find anything on how to kill the demon. Jason had a few suggestions based on the show Supernatural, but I shot those down. I figured a fictional series would know nothing about real life. Unless those were real, he told me. I’d seen a little of the show myself, and I insisted that what I had seen was very different than a demon occupying a human host.
In the end, we had no idea what the hell we were doing. We just made a conglomeration of different precautions. Jason bought some salt, Richard brought a hunting knife (that, unlike a gun, might not get me expelled), I asked around and found out that most of my friends found me crazy. I understood. If one of them had come to me asking about demons, I would have acted the same.
Richard also asked some of his friends for help. Somehow, they believed him. I’m not sure if it’s because of Richard’s charisma or because he never lies or both. Whatever the case, he actually found someone who claimed to know a thing or two.
She was an old woman, and she met with Richard during the week. He came back and told us that the demon took the fertility of older men, then killed them. I asked why it was stalking me. He said they did not like leaving any descendants.
I think that’s when I realized: this thing had been hunting my dad. It seemed so obvious now. There are many, many people in the world that purposefully have one child. My parents, though? I knew immediately what had happened. This demon had stalked my dad. It had killed him, too, and now it, as Richard had said, wanted to finish the job.
That was when I stopped caring. I didn’t mind that what we were doing was crazy. I didn’t mind the possibility of a horrible death, because it was quite likely given our meager preparations. I was dead anyways, and that knowledge made me more confident in what we were doing, as strange as it may sound.
After my dad died, I was never angry. My mom was, for sure; she blamed the police for botching the investigation, when in fact there was absolutely no evidence for them to use. I had understood. My dad had been murdered, yes, but without a perpetrator I had not been able to direct any anger I might have felt.
Now it was different. I wanted to confront this demon and rip its eyes from its sockets. I wanted to send it back to Hell, or send it there for the first time if it had never visited, and let it suffer for all eternity. I couldn’t know if my dad was the only victim. He probably hadn’t been. Most of the time, the demon tended to pray on men that had no children.
I’m not sure how it made a mistake with me. I just knew that the mistake would be its last.
*
I was sitting on my bed, surrounded by salt, holding a knife and a bottle of holy water with Jason and Richard waiting down the hall. They had closed the door, and to make themselves inconspicuous they were pretending to work on homework. In reality, they were waiting for me to call for help, if I needed it. I suspected I would.
Richard had dug deeper into his network of friends. He had spoken to a mother of a friend of a friend who owned an antique shop. She apparently owned a ceremonial dagger from the Middle Ages. She allowed him to borrow it for a price, so long as he brought it back in good condition. I don’t think she knew what we were using it for.
I felt the demon before I saw it. The room grew cold. I don’t mean chilly, I mean cold, like those walk-in freezers. Jason likened it to a cold room he had used during research. I don’t know anything about those, but maybe the analogy is useful for someone else.
It still scared me. The tall black figure with its truncated antlers was so unnatural, I figured I would never get used to seeing it. When it appeared in front of me and reached out a hand- I noticed now that the hand was covered in dry, cracked, human skin- I wanted to scream. I didn’t. I reached out my knife and stabbed it in the arm.
It didn’t flinch. The hand kept moving and grasped my neck. I could feel the dry skin shed and fall down the front of my shirt. I wanted to gag. The roughness of the hand drew blood. Instead of freezing up, I managed to open my bottle of holy water and toss it.
That did something. The demon let out this whine that I can liken only to an electronic device. It backed up, and I tossed more water on its face. The skin started to melt. I thought I had succeeded, but then bone began to surface from beneath, forming what looked like a grinning animal skull that was gnashing its teeth.
I screamed then. Richard burst into the room and threw his knife. Somehow it landed in the demon’s chest. That’s what did it, I think. It screamed so loud I thought I’d lose my hearing. My ears rang, and Richard was saying something to me, but my attention was fixated on the center of the room. The demon had tripped over a particularly large pile of salt. It was melting, taking the floor with it, like we had dropped a bottle of acid. There was a hole next to my bed.
I ignored what he and Jason were saying. I kept my eyes on the floor, watching the hole widen. It stopped, and when I finally turned towards my roommates, an RA was staring at us through the open doorway, frozen in place, fixated on the same thing that I had been.
He must have also noticed the antlers next to the hole.
*
The official report said nothing. It could not determine what had happened in the room. The RA didn’t believe our story. No other explanations emerged, though. I was told that no acid could eat through the floor as quickly as the demon’s remains had. Thank God Jason still had cameras up, because they showed exactly what had happened, though without the demon it just showed a hole opening up in the carpet.
Richard lost the knife and had to fork over a whopping two thousand dollars. He told us it was a bargain. The item had been priceless, most likely, and the woman could have bankrupted him for losing it.
I haven’t been haunted by anything since that incident freshman year. I started going to parties again. Jason moved on, pretending that none of it had happened, but Richard had a fantastic story to share with people. Most didn’t believe him. Some egged him on. A choice few took what he said too seriously, offering him other demon-hunting supplies. He laughed them off, saying the problem had been dealt with, so they instead came to me and explained the seriousness of my situation. I shook them off, too. What was I supposed to do? Start stockpiling ceremonial weapons and holy water?
I never told my mom. She wouldn’t have believed me. She didn’t hear about what had happened in the room, either. The footage showed us doing nothing, only me staring at a bunch of salt as it started dissolving the floor. None of us got in trouble. They didn’t even care that I had a knife sticking out of the wall. I guess they were too preoccupied with the rest of the scene.
I wish I could give you some dramatic conclusion, a fight that lasted for hours or an epic chase. On second thought, I’m glad I can’t describe that, but the truth is that what happened was pretty simple. I tossed some water and Richard threw a knife. That was it. The whole thing took thirty seconds at most.
It seems that most things in life are anticlimactic. An exciting movie, a first date, graduation- once it’s over, you’re left with a certain emptiness, like whatever you just did shouldn’t have ended so quickly. They say time flies (I hate that cliché), but it doesn’t. What happens is we expect things to be greater than they really are. We imagine some grand outcome, beyond what reality can provide us, and it almost never goes that way.
I can’t know for sure that I will be safe for the rest of my life. I only know that I’ve gotten through college unscathed so far. If there is another encounter, it won’t end well, because I won’t be prepared this time. It will be different, surely, a more dangerous monster or just a surprise attack when I least expect it. I definitely won’t write another story about it, because I’ll probably be dead.
If you hear about some university kid that dropped dead of a heart attack or washed up in a river, it will probably be me.
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2020.09.24 16:11 Boop108 György Pálfi’s Taxadermia

This article is illustrated with numerous film stills. If you would like to see the illustrated version click here.
https://medium.com/@36toesproductions/gy%C3%B6rgy-p%C3%A1lfis-taxadermia-181a1f574dc8?sk=6104aa1afa93f3e7ac4c6c0c5ac22fb1
After you recover from the shock of the opening scene you realize you will need to recalibrate your surrealism scale if you are going to get through György Pálfi’s Taxadermia. This isn’t going to just be weird or dreamlike, watching this film is going to take some fortitude, otherwise, how would you account for an opening scene where a man in a grimy, little shack, masturbates until, with a triumphant yell, he shoots a plume of fire out his penis.
Taxidermia is both beautiful and nauseating. It's a film of extremes that swings wildly in many directions. The camera reflects this in its movements. Suddenly the camera will start traveling in the most improbable, or even impossible directions. It passes through walls or under people, spinning in an impossible space. Its as though the screen we are watching is falling victim to the surrealism it is depicting.
There is a mind-bending scene where the floor of a room becomes something like a panel in a revolving door. It spins, and each time it flips over there is something new on the other side. We watch the changing sets and lose our orientation which turns the movie itself into a surreal object.
Pálfi made Taxidermia in 2006 in Hungary. I am sure that there is an entire layer of this film that I do not fully understand due to my limited knowledge of Hungarian history and politics. However, the film reaches much further than just a political allegory or parody. The primary engine of the film is the human body. Not just the shape of our physique but the blood, shit, vomit, semen, sweat, guts, and viscera of our existence. There’s sex and death and competitive eating.
The film centers around three men, each the son of the former. The first is Morosgovanyi, a libidinal, Caliban-like, perpetual masturbator. He’s the one whose penis shoots fire. He will hump anything, a hole in the wall, a pile of butchered pig parts, anywhere his member will fit. There are no cutaways or carefully cropped frames we see his penis plunge in and out of a hole in a shed until a rooster comes along and pecks it. A cock attacked by a cock.
When he is frantically humping the pig parts he fantasizes that it is an enormous corpulent woman screaming obscene instructions and encouragement. The editing flashes between the pig flesh, human flesh, butchery, fornication, masturbation, and close-ups of things that might be any of the above until you’re nauseous, confused, and ready to pass out.
Psychologist Harry Stack Sullivan once wrote about the boundaries we erect to differentiate between what he termed “the me” and the “not me.” Sullivan posed a simple experiment. Spit into a glass. Pause a moment, and then drink it back down. Many would recoil at the idea but Sullivan asks us to consider how arbitrary our reaction is. When the saliva is in your mouth it doesn’t bother you, but just a second later it is repulsive.
In Taxidermia, we are faced with all of our mortal productions. It's up to us to gauge our reactions. I giant mass of innards is both a repulsive horror, but as it steams in the cold it is also fascinating and even beautiful.
The U.S. Military has a division that weaponizes horrible smells. In their research, they found that the key to a truly intolerable stink is that it must have pleasant and attractive elements. It’s as if it has to be a bait and switch. You need to be intrigued or aroused before the hammer comes down.
Surrealist Merit Oppenhiem’s Fur-lined Teacup from 1936 plays with this dynamic as well. It is discordant and uncomfortable but it is also sexy and evocative. Similarly, in Taxedermia, there is a scene where two people are huddled outside in the snow. We watch their interaction, but it isn’t until halfway through the scene that we notice that the snowflakes falling around them are little white feathers. The accumulation on the ground, on their coats, and in their hair isn’t the pure white crystals we thought they were, they are something corporal and dirty.
Morosgovanyi’s son is Kalman an enormous hulk of a man born with a pigtail that we watch Morosgovanyi cut off in close-up while the baby Kalman wails. Morosgovanyi’s world was that of the peasants. A farm filled with mud and shit. Morosgovanyi’s son inhabits a bourgeois world of Soviet-style progress. To emphasize the irony of Soviet culture Kalman is a competitive eater. A communist country obsessed with production and efficiency stages a grotesque display of conspicuous consumption. We are treated to several scenes of Kalman methodically gorging himself as well as expelling such copious amounts of vomit that even Monty Pythons Mr. Creosote would cringe. The competitions are conducted with Soviet Flags and dancing girls. It's like some psychotic pageant. They eat giant gelatinous blocks of horse sausage or gallons of caviar out of a red trough-shaped like a Soviet star.
Kalman gets married and has a son, Balatony. When Balatony grows up he becomes a taxidermist. Just in case there is some bit of bloody, fatty, goo that Pálfi missed in the first two-thirds of the film, he manages to cover all his morbid bases in this last third. Even so, there is still a kind of poetic beauty in the madness. We watch Balatony prepare an orangutan for stuffing. It's disgusting and brutal but also compelling. Instead of flashing us a shockingly gory moment and leaving us to imagine the rest, the camera watches intently as Balatony separates the skin from the fat and facia. It gives us time to get used to what we are seeing and examine it.
Balatony is a very creepy and completely miserable man. When he is not stuffing animal carcasses he must administer to his aging father’s needs. Kalman has grown so fat he can no longer move. The relationship between the two men and what transpires in the last third of the film is truly jarring and bizarre. Some things are better off left to the viewer to discover on their own, but the father being immobilized by excessive consumption, and the son being enslaved to an ungrateful beast who longs only for its past glory sets up abundant metaphors about capitalism, communism, and the masses of people caught in-between.
Taxidermia uses the human body as its arena. It is the vehicle for discussing our motivations, our excesses, our attempts at control, our relationship to society, and the state. In his book Discipline and Punish, Foucault tracks the changing relationship between the body and the state. A relationship that begins as corporal, where punishment is meted out physically on the body, but changes to something more insidious where the state targets our minds instead of our bodies.
Public hangings and floggings made obvious the power dynamic of the state and its ability to control behavior through force. Foucault compares this to the modern age and the rise of the surveillance state where the power dynamic between the individual and the state is hidden by an internalized coercion. By imagining the eyes of our neighbors and coworkers upon us, by raising the specter of Big Brother the blunt violence of the past is replaced with the more insidious hegemony of a state-sponsored super-ego that sounds like our own voice.
Taxidermia depicts this dynamic but reminds us that the mind can not be separated from the body. The brain is an organ like any other. No matter how abstract our thoughts may be we are still bound by our material existence. Our body is what anchors us to reality like a boat with its anchor down and its engines spinning. We aspire to become many things but we are always still flesh and blood and vomit, and semen, and sweat, and urine, and tears, and all the other things we produce and either accept or reject.
Marx focused on humans as producers of objects. He wrote about factories and the means of production but our bodies are already in a constant state of production and consumption. All life must destroy life in order to maintain itself and through that destruction turn the life consumed into waste. Life eats life and shits out waste which is then eaten by other life.
To make life more palatable we try not to think in these terms. We essentially hide the truth away and sniff fine wine seeking out the notes of oak or pear instead of slurping down the rotten juice of dead grapes in order to feel the queasy joy brought on by having ingested poison. So too the state prefers its own illusions of humanity and egalitarian justice and masks its poison in rarefied ideals.
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2020.09.24 13:55 shobhasingh2545 Reality hidden sex

How to Take Advantage of Your Partner's Need For Erotic Phone Sex https://preview.redd.it/p5l78m7rp3p51.jpg?width=1023&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4e7c33520d021996bcee2a93fc2e6c66b2360565
An erotic phone call is an chance for your partner to express their feelings and emotions, and they may be wondering what it is that you are doing when you phone them and tell them everything you would like to do. In this report we'll be looking at how to benefit from a partner's desire for erotic phone sex by requesting them to speak dirty to you numeri erotici.
There are millions of those who have sexual fantasies that they keep hidden from the others. For all those individuals, the idea of having to talk about their needs in front of the others is quite embarrassing. For other individuals, their desires may not be as common, so that they never talk about it with anybody else. Whatever your specific reasons for needing to undergo erotic phone sex, it's important to know that there are numerous individuals who are able to help you get over your inhibitions and find out what your fantasies are.
The very first thing you will need to understand is that in order to make erotic phone sex a reality, you first must open to your spouse and let them understand exactly what you want. This will be a major turn on to your partner, and as soon as you have done so that you can subsequently build on the excitement by requesting them to speak dirty to you.
To make erotic phone sex more intriguing, you need to use a couple of different practices. Whenever you are talking dirty to a partner, do not say anything too explicit at all. Bear in mind it is a romantic situation and you need to be able to become sensual and sexy as you can. But you also will need to understand that in the event you state something too explicit, they will likely feel that you are being sexually aggressive towards these, which will turn off you.
One more thing which you will need to understand is that you can't go into sensual phone calls expecting your partner to let you know what you want. You will need to ask them exactly what they want to hear them say it. In the event you don't get a response, consider saying something like"what is it that you would like to do tonight?" Till you receive a reaction from them.
In the end, when it comes to sexual phone sex, you have to ask your spouse, maybe not them to request. This is the only means to ensure you have fun and revel in the experience you've been awaiting.
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2020.09.23 03:33 Fireflair_kTreva Reality hidden sex

Question: Anne, so many comments have been made about Surreal’s personality change in the latest book. I look at it as she went through the spooky house, and had the one time in bed with the Sadist that left her well, miserable. So going through the rut with the Sadist and actually coming to terms with herself wanting to have sex, instead of it being her business is hard for her to cope with. Can you shed light on why she was so terrified of sex with Daemon after that night in rut?
Anne: First part of the answer, the undercurrents of that night when the Sadist as lover invited Surreal to play were about a lot more than sex. Surreal can handle sex with Daemon Sadi. But that isn't all he is. Second part of the answer is in The Queen's Weapons.
Question: I have had a question about the Black Jewels books for many years. I started to notice that Jaenelle is never shown alone, but only through her interactions with others. I was wondering why we never see her in her moments of solitude.
Anne: The writer's answer is it felt intuitively right that we never experience any interior dialog or thoughts from Jaenelle. You're right; she is seen through everyone else's perceptions and interactions with her. Also, the three men--Saetan, Daemon, and Lucivar--and how their lives intertwined with hers was the driving force for me to tell the story.
Question: Is or was there a plan to make the Black Jewels trilogy into a movie(s)?
Anne: No plans for a movie at this time.
Question: Are scelties the only kind of canine kindred? Would there be different varieties of canine kindred based on topography? Huskies/Malmutes in areas with a lot of snow. Basenji in desert areas…
Anne: Going with many breeds would have been a crazymaker in terms of creating the world. So the Scelties are the only ones who are Blood. Same with the horses. Only a couple of breeds in Scelt have some bloodlines that are kindred. That doesn't mean there aren't other breeds of dogs or horses in the Realms, just that they don't have kindred.
Question: Hello! I'm so glad I can talk with everyone and ask questions to my favoutie author! Since I have a great passion for Daemon, I would like to know what his favorite book genre is and if you can give any recommendations about books with characters like him. Also, could you give us an idea of ​​how the old language sounds like?
Anne: Daemon is an eclectic reader. If you look at some of the books he discusses with Jillian, you'll see some of the genres. As far as books with characters like him, you would have to get recommendations from the folks here. For me, he's one of a kind. Can't tell you what the Old Tongue sounds like.
Question: The Black Jewels would make a great simulation game! What encourages your muse to write? What is the difference between uncut and cut jewels? Are jewels recycled: after one of the blood dies and becomes a whisper in the darkness will their jewels be given to another blood during their birthright or offering ceremony?
Anne: "No one knew where the Jewels had come from. If one was destined to wear a Jewel, it simply appeared on the Altar after the Birthright Ceremony or the Offering to the Darkness. Even when he was young, receiving an uncut Jewel—a Jewel that had never been worn by another of the Blood—was rare. His Birthright Red Jewel had been uncut. When he'd been gifted with the Black, it, too, had been uncut. But to receive an entire set of uncut Jewels . . . Saetan leaned over and tapped the Yellow Jewel with the tip of his nail. It flared, the fire in the center warning him off. He frowned, puzzled. The Jewel already identified itself as female, as being bonded to a witch and not a Blood male, but there was the faintest hint of maleness in it too. Jaenelle wiped the tears from her cheeks and sniffed." (Daughter of the Blood)
Question: I’ve always had a hard time imagining Eyrien wings. I never thought they were feathered, but do you have a comparison to what they look like?

Anne: Yes, Eyriens have dark, membranous wings. Calling an Eyrien a bat is an insult. Not as bad as calling one a Jhinka, but close.
Question: What do Jhinka wings look like?
Anne: Leathery. I don't see the Jhinka looking as physically well-formed as Eyriens.
Question: So, when I was reread the short story about the spiders, I realized that afaik, it's not mentioned whether or not they have a jewel. So, do the dream weaving spiders have/get jewels?
Anne: I don't think they need Jewels. They're not the same as the Blood in the way they came into being.
Question: Invisible Ring came after the trilogy, but Daemon/Jaenelle use the events from the trilogy to take out dorothea's taint. Did you already have that whole story in your head? Was it originally going to be part of the trilogy but cut for space?
Similar (but less desperately needed) question about Marian. Was her meeting Lucivar originally intended as part of Heir to the Shadows, or did you always plan it as a separate novella?
Anne: As I began writing the trilogy, I had made notes for the story that became The Invisible Ring. In fact, I had a couple of notes for the story that eventually became The Shadow Queen. I wrote Daughter of the Blood and Heir to the Shadows, and my agent was shopping it around, but it wasn't like anything else out there at that time so it wasn't an easy sell. My agent suggested writing a standalone book in that world, so I began writing The Invisible Ring. I think I was close to finishing first draft when BJT sold. Suddenly there were revisions to do on the first two books, Ring to finish drafting, and an accelerated due date for Queen of the Darkness, which I hadn't started writing! Yikes? Ring was drafted and Lia's solution fit the story. Using webs of power to wipe out Dorothea's taint was the solution in Queen. So the logical sequence, since Jared and Daemon knew each other, was that Jared left an account of what happened and left it at the Keep for Daemon. Which made a warm fuzzy author moment when I could see the connection in the two stories.
As for Lucivar and Marian's courtship, that was vague background story when I was writing Queen, and it simmered below the surface for several years before I wrote the story about how they got together. Love that story. Lucivar makes me laugh.
Question: Can Blood make the Offering if they have a broken Birthright?
Anne: No. If the Birthright Jewel is broken, that severs that person's potential in terms of power.
Question: Surreal was relieved to see that Jaenelle Saetien gained a jewel at her birthright (after initially coming back empty handed). But what about the children who do not gain a birthright? Are they able to obtain the White, Yellow, or Tiger Eye at their offerring? Also what caste is baby Andulvar?
Anne: Children who are not strong enough to acquire (that is, need a reservoir for their power) a Birthright Jewel can obtain a White, Yellow, or Tiger Eye at the Offering. At that point, a blood female would be a witch and have the title of Lady, and a blood male would be considered a Warlord. Note: the other castes would require the person to have a Birthright Jewel, even if it's a White.
Baby Andulvar is a Warlord Prince. Pity Marian.
Question: In the Shadow Queen Saetan glances at Daemon and thinks of him as a “strong adult male in his prime”. After reading The Queen’s Bargain I am confused why Saetan would not realize Daemon had not reached his prime yet?
Anne: If a man in his prime in our world is fully adult (think mid 20s) to the time when he reaches middle age (what the Blood refer to as the autumn years), Daemon was just coming into his prime when he met Jaenelle (at 1700 years). He'll be in his prime for a lot of centuries. (And, no, I'm not going to try to guess how many. My brain will blow up. :) )
Question: I just love Tersa, her efforts in holding Daemon's sanity before Jaenelle Angeline is ready to remember him and bring him back from Twisted Kingdom and all her efforts to take care of the Boy. My question is, is it known to the Caste that they can regain some of their lost craft in Twisted Kingdom? and is there someone else aside Tersa who crossed the Twisted Kingdom to regain lost craft?
Anne: To my knowledge, Tersa is an exception to a lot of things, and no one else has been able to regain their craft by sacrificing their sanity.
Question: Do the Witches who came before Janelle ever whisper their stories to you? It's always been in my head, the hall of paintings of those who were Witch, dreams made flesh. That maybe they whispered a bit of themselves to the writer.
Anne: No, they never have. But they have to compete with Daemon and Lucivar, so…
Question: In Queen of Darkness (chapter 13, part 9) Luthvian is killed by Hekatah. Luthvian had already transitioned to demon-dead but didn’t have enough strength to hold on. We see Luthvian’s internal dialog “Her Self would soon become a whisper in the Darkness. Perhaps, someday, when it had rested and regained some strength, the Self would leave the Darkness and return to the living Realms. Perhaps.”
Question 1: Does this mean that Luthvian’s Self could be “born” again? Does this world have reincarnation?
Question 2: If the answer above is yes, has any of the characters we love (or even hate) Self been born again? (I would especially love to hear that Char, the leader of the cildru dyathe, will have a second chance at a full life.)
Question 3: In the Queen of Darkness (chapter 2, part 6) we learn that “When kindred young are born, a Black Widow makes that mental sidestep into the dreams and visions. Sometimes she sees nothing. Sometimes she names one of the young according to the visions.” In The Queen’s Bargain (example: chapter 13, page 123) we see two Scelties, one named “Morghann” and one named “Khary”. Did they get their names from a Black Widow vision? Are they Morghann’s and Khary’s Selves returned to the living Realm, and/or are they named after them in memory, as Jaenelle Saetien was?
Question 4: Could either Titian or Andulvar actually be their namesakes “Self” returned to the living Realms?
Anne: I don't think they have reincarnation. I've never had that sense. That's why being demon-dead is considered a second chance to do the things a person regretted not doing when they were among the living.
As for the Sceltie Morghann and Khary, since humans didn't name them, you can assume a Black Widow saw a reason to give those pups those particular names.
Question: I know that some authors have Patreon accounts where they might write things for subscribers that:
- the publishing co hasn't asked for but is rambling around in their brain
- deleted or behind the scenes things
- advanced looks at things
- roughs, artwork, recipes that connect to their works, etc
Is this something you've ever considered doing?
Anne: No, i haven't, mostly because all my creative time and energy goes into the book/story I'm writing, and I would have to choose between doing one thing or the other. I prefer to write the story.
Question: Does the body determine Jewel strength (as the dragon scales fell on individuals)? Is Castes determined by the Self inside the body?
Anne: I don't know. I look at a character and say, "Who are you?" They tell me caste and Jewels and I write them down.
Question: As far as Saetan knew, Peyton vanished during the war 50,000 years ago... Is there a chance he survived long enough to have had a child/children?
Could he have used the war as a means to vanish from the realms, and live a quiet life?
Anne: No, they lost all of him. Complete and final death.
Question: Can someone (not a natural Black Widow) come to the hourglass later in life?
Anne: Natural Black Widow or Healer means the girl has an intuitive knowledge of at least some aspects of the Craft used in that caste. Jaenelle Angelline was a child with no official training when she was healing people at Alexandra's estate. But someone who was going to study to be a Black Widow would probably be in their mid to late teens (or equivalent) before they would start training.
Miscellaneous:
Question: Do you have a favorite World? Not to write about, but that YOU would want to visit? Do you want to travel the realms, visit the Landscapes, maybe relax in Tir Alainn? Or maybe visit a Courtyard?
And, while visiting said World, who would you want to be your "tour guide"?
Anne: Well, I'd visit all of them. :) But for a vacation? I'd like to spend time in Riada or be a guest at the Hall. (And you can guess who I'd like the tour guides to be.) I'd like to visit Howling Good Reads in Lakeside, and visit The Jumble (although I would stay with Ineke at the boarding house since she cooks). The Landscapes? Sometimes I think I did cross one of those bridges to find my way to where I am.
Question: Do you have a favorite tea to drink while the Muse speaks to you?
Anne: There are no liquids on the writing desk. Wee bit paranoid, don't ya know. In the winter I drink a variety of mint teas. In the summer, mostly water. The Muse enjoys weeding the garden more than drinking tea. :)
Question: Who are some of your favorite cosplays from your characters? Are there characters that you'd like to see cosplayed more?
Anne: I'm not familiar enough with cosplay to say. I know people have been my characters, and some have been stunning that I've seen at conventions. But my brain doesn't go there.
Question: Have you ever considered merchandising? I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that I would LOVE to be able to purchase any kind of memorabilia!
Anne: I have not considered it. I want to write stories, and I'd have to give up one to do the other. That said, check out redbubble.com and look up Anne Bishop for lots of different things that are mostly for the Blood or the Others.
Question: All of your stories have interesting and distinct gender dynamics at the heart of the worlds you create. Is this something that you have done intentionally?
Anne: When it comes to writing stories, I don't seem to color inside the lines, so I'm always looking at something and seeing what happens if you turn it around. With the Blood, it was sexual mores and double standards and the penalties for things like adultery for men vs. women. That was some of it. So do I consciously throw a stone into the creative well? I guess I do. But what is created out of the ripples in terms of the world, culture, or characters is part of the dance I do with the Muse.
Question: What do you like most about being an author?
Anne: The fun of thinking "what if?" and taking a journey with characters I like (some of them, anyway) to find out what happens. It's creating something out of mist and dreams that feels real to me -- and, hopefully, to you.
Question: Are there some little details stories that you are told that they wish weren't said? i.e. something silly or embarrassing or a secret that they wish hadn't been shared to you that ends up shared with us?
Anne: That's not how the relationship between writer and character works. Story is about revealing the character as that person makes a journey.
Question: What's your favorite dessert?
Anne: depends on the season, but plain milk chocolate is always good.
Question: Of your “bad guys”. Which one was the most difficult to write. Just because of how evil/bad they were and you had to write what they were doing and what they thought?
Anne: Adolfo in the Tir Alainn books was the most difficult, even more than Hekatah and Dorothea. Adolfo scared me, and that took a toll on my health by the time I had finished writing THE HOUSE OF GAIAN.
Question: Have you ever had a fan interaction that made you emotional, or really stuck with you in some way?
Anne: Quite a few of them, but they are not something that can be shared.
Question: Is there a favorite author you would suggest reading?
Anne: I like Patricia Briggs, Louise Penny, C.S. Harris.
Question: How are you managing in the current climate? Are you finding it difficult to be stuck in?
What is the oddest/ strangest thing you've had happen as a result of being a writer / fan interaction?
Anne: It's taken a couple of weeks to get my brain wrapped around the World As It Is Right Now, but I'm trying to get back to my work routine, which means being home. The strangeness comes when I have to go out for anything. Things are changing so fast in terms of protection(s) in place, which is good but does have a Twilight's Zone feel.
Question: Anne Bishop is this kind of experience likely to transfer to writing? Or because the characters tell their own stories do they miss out on these "real world" influences?
Anne: Since everything has the potential to be part of the warp and woof (not sure if that's the correct spelling for those) of a story, I'm sure the current "real world" experiences will find their way into a story somehow. But what it will look like in that story is something I won't know until I'm there.
Question: My question is and please forgive me if it has been already asked: what is your inspiration for the stories/characters?
Anne: I dance with the Muse. That's the best answer I can give. I play "what if...?" and "who would...?" and "what would happen if...?" and "why would...?" games all the time. Sometimes those questions don't go anywhere and sometimes they're the spark that is the start of a characters or a place or a storyline. Dozens of those sparks have to come together in the right way for a story to begin to develop.
Question: For my first question I would like to ask if you could nominate some actors or models that physically resemble the main characters in the trilogy or if you could indicate from what country would they be, as I see the fandom trying to imagine them. My second question is how big is the hall and if the building was inspired by any building in reality. I'm sorry for my bad english and i'm very thankful you chose to share your stories with us.
Anne: My brain doesn't work that way, so I don't try to fit actors and characters together. The Hall is very big, but I can't point to a real building and say it's like that because I didn't start out with anything real.
Question: Do you have any words of wisdom for someone who hopes to have a book published some day?
Anne: Write your story to the best of your ability. write another one. And another. Then look at the first one again and discover what you have learned that will make that story better. Beyond that, first write for the love of writing. write because you would rather do that than any other hobby. Write for the challenge and fun of creating characters and getting them into trouble. Then remember that the creative side of writing is different from the business side of writing, and it can take years of work and effort and honing your craft before you have a story that is ready to be published. So write first for the writing, and then work on learning what you need to do to get published.
Question: How's the garden doing?
Anne: Things are green and growing, giving me a reason to wander outside and observe plants and birds and other critters.
Question: What's your favorite coffee and how do you take it?
Anne: I'll order a mocha as a treat if I'm out somewhere. Otherwise, it's basic coffee with a creamer.
Question: I'd love any of the "children's books" mentioned in any of her series to become real. My son would love them.
Anne: I will never say never, but that world has a lot of possibilities--including some you don't know about yet.
Question: Is there a specific time period or style that you envision the people of the Realms' clothing to be?
Anne: I always think of Daemon wearing Armani, regardless of what anyone else is wearing. The women? Everything from dresses with embroidery and bugle beads to the more ethereal, "witchy" kind of gowns with long sleeves and modest trains of flowy material. No jeans, though, so casual wear was more of a challenge.
Question: During the winter holidays there always seems to be gift sets of series such as Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones. Will there ever be a gift set released of The Black Jewels?
Anne: That is something the publisher decides, so I don't know.
Question: Do you have a favorite character and if so who is it?
Anne: Daemon Sadi
Question: What jewel do you think you would have if you made the offering to the darkness?
Anne: Since I have to immerse in the story and the characters, I am everyone and everything, so my brain can't think outside of that.
Question: I’ve notice a theme in some of the series, mainly The Others and Black Jewels ( I reread them most) the theme seems to be most humans are destructive and easily swayed into selfishness, greed, or evil ( my own interpretation of the theme) there seems to be the Others / Kindred who will deal with a select few, trust those that are attached to the select few but the rest of the humans are just prey/ meat and are evil. Was this theme intentional? Did it just work out that way with powerful predators and human interaction, or was there a specific reason this theme has shown up?
Anne: A bumper sticker I saw many years ago said: One earth, one chance. It made an impression on me.
The Others
Question: In The Others Series, the first time that Meg calls Tess for help reading a prophecy, Tess wonders if it is knowledge that causes Meg to call her, or ignorance. Tess concludes that's it's ignorance, and it's this first interaction where "Speak Prophet, and I will listen" is introduced. What is the history between Harvesters and Blood Prophets that causes Tess to make this comment?
Anne: I don't know. I can only tell you the story that is revealed to me.
Question: In Wild Country Jana gets a phone call from “someone” telling her she should go to the Lakeside Courtyard. Is that someone Julian Farrow?
Anne: Yes, it's Julian Farrow.
Question: So one thing I’ve always wondered if the Man that Montgomery kills to save a wolf was the same guy that Meg miss led in the 2 nd prophecy he paid for that got him killed and her punished that let to her escape in Written in Red?
Anne: No, they were different men.
Question: So much time was spent on Abigail Burch in the story, but I never figured out what her storyline really contributed to the over all story. Could you help me understand?
Anne: In some ways, she showed us how the Blackstones worked their cons because she'd played everyone in Prairie Gold. And she was the point where Intuits like Jesse Walker and Intuits like Parlan Blackstone collided, with devastating results.
Question: Are the Harvesters more powerful than all the other terra indigene, and possibly even the Elementals?
Anne: I would say Harvesters could hold their own against any of the shifters, and an Elder if there was only one. But they would have no impact on the Elementals.
Question: Are there plans for exploring other, non US areas in that world in detail? If so, where are some of the areas you'd like to explore?
Also, what are the life spans of the different types of Others?
Anne: When a new gard comes into being, is it a gradual thing, like we may be seeing with Simon or more of a 'hey, here's 50 Others who are switching over'?
Not sure about how much detail there is compared to the novels, but we do see another part of their world in the short story that will hopefully come out in 2021. Life spans? I'm human, so that's not something the Others discuss with me. It would probably be a gradual thing combined with some spontaneous leap along the lines of "hey, these thumb things come in handy!"
Question: Did Skippy ever successfully change? Was it because of a) the chamomile cookies and b) Sam or Meg?
Anne: Right now, I only know what happened in the Courtyard up to the end of Etched in Bone. When the time is right, I'll go back and find out what comes next for them.
Question: I love Lake Silence. Thank you so much for Vicki. I share many of her issues. Do she and Julian become a couple?
Anne: We'll have to wait and see. :)
Question: I remember in The Others, they made mention of disposing the males born from the Blood Prophets since they were considered useless. Thinking in relation to bloodlines though, wouldn't they let some of them grow up in order to breed "purer" lines by re-introducing the recessive genes from the males? Perhaps a Blood Prophet does in fact have a brother somewhere? Also... would a male Blood Prophet also smell of not-prey because the gene is recessive or would they smell like prey since visions didn't swim in their blood?
Anne: Right now, Joshua Painter is the only answer I have. I'm sure they would have kept some males for breeding, but someone like Joshua would have become too dangerous to handle.
Question: When writing The Other series, which character(s) were the funniest and the most difficult to write? - and which character(s) "talked the most" during the writing process?
Anne: Jimmy Montgomery was the most difficult to write. Loved Grandfather Erebus. As for talking the most? The Wolves. The Crows. The female pack. :)
Question: Did you do research into women with aspergers when you wrote Meg? I feel so seen when I read her character
Anne: I'm glad you feel a connection with Meg, but no, I didn't do any research on aspergers to create the blood prophets. I just thought about Meg and who she was and what impact the outside world would have on someone who was sensitive.
Question: How do the shark guard and Others from the sea live? Coastal towns, floating city, or full on underwater communities like little mermaid!?
Anne: The Sharkgard live anywhere they want to. :) Probably islands that are populated by Others or Intuits for those who can change to a two-legged form. Same with the other forms who live in water, unless they're like the Lady of the Lake, who is made of water.
Question: Love the Others books and I read somewhere that the courtyard was partly inspired by the Market Square in Victoria BC, where I live. I think of the Others ever time I walk through it. Are there other locations that have inspired you?
Anne: I think of the Others whenever I visit Forest Lawn Cemetery in Buffalo, NY. If you look at the earlier author photo of me on a bridge overlooking a small lake? That's in Forest Lawn, and that's the lake where Winter and her kin live in the Courtyard. :)
Question: Can Meg and Simon have children?
Anee: No. Even when they look human, the terra indigene are a different species. That means they can’t produce offspring with humans—even humans like Meg.
Question: Why is Mel (the horse) not prey?
Anne: He is prey to almost every predator that looks at a horse and sees a potential meal. However, Mel is a cow pony, which means he’s fast, he’s agile, and he’s smart. Also, he was bred and raised on the Prairie Gold ranch, so he would have had some proximity to the Wolfgard pack that lived in that part of the Elder Hills. Do the Wolfgard smell a little different than regular wolves? Maybe they do to a horse. Whatever the reason, Mel recognized the dogs that were attacking the horses as enemies and Virgil and Kane as allies—or at least not enemies. And Virgil acknowledged Mel’s courage by referring to him as the horse that is not meat. (Note that Virgil calls him that. Mel would still be a snack to an Elder.)
Question: Monty got into trouble for killing a pedophile who preyed on girls. Meg was punished when she lied to one of the Controller’s clients, who was also a sexual predator, about which girl he could take and not get caught. Was the man Monty shot and the man Meg lied to the same person?
Anne: No. The man Monty shot lived in Toland and had the bodies of several girls hidden in his residence. The man who was the Controller’s client was wealthy (had to be to afford the fees for a cut), traveled for business, and preyed on girls in different cities to avoid being caught.
Tir Alainn
Question: Have you ever had a story idea that would follow on your Tir Alainn trilogy?
Anne: That will depend on the Muse and the Bard calling me back there.
Question: What were some of the inspirations for the spiral dance in The House of Gaian?
Anne: I don't remember all the bits and pieces because those things transform in the writing. Part of that was the image of the Wiccan spiral dance, but the rest came from the Muse.
Question: In the Tir Alainn books, those of the fae who were Death's Servants took the spirits of the dead to the gate that would lead them on to the summerland. Toward the very end of The House of Gaian, Ashk stated that she thought Morag's spirit would return one day soon in a daughter of Ari and Neil. Is reincarnation something common to all of the fae or is it something specific to those like Morag who were Death's Servants or Death's Mistress? If it's common to all the fae or even the humans in that world, does that mean that other characters that were lost could return as well, and if so, would they remember anything of who and what they were before? Would Morag for example remember the people she had left behind...Morphia, Ari and Neil, Ashk etc.?
Anne: It's been too long since I was in Tir Alainn to remember exactly, but my memory says that all Fae spirits rest and return. That might be true of humans, too, but that wouldn't be part of their own beliefs. As for what a returned spirit would remember...? That is something to wonder about.
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2020.09.21 23:45 erisdelune On Limitations: My Glass Wall

Diary Entry on Stuttering, Psychedelics, and Sex Work
I have often been described as someone rather mysterious. Curious, observant, hard to figure out, etc. But the truth is, I have hidden myself from others out of shame and disconnection within myself. A deeply personal and significant aspect of myself that has molded me into who I am is my stuttering. Although my stuttering is now mild or barely noticeable, the lingering effects of how I have coped with stuttering still affects my life. It has shaped the ways I communicate and express myself to this day.
Although I can’t pinpoint what happens neurologically, the obstacle I interact with on a daily basis is actually pushing the sounds out of my mouth smoothly, without interruption. The words start to halt when I get excited, anxious, in public, and when I read out loud. I feel as if my mouth is temporarily paralyzed and I am trying to revive my mouth to form the words I want to say.
Before I start to share my relationship with my stuttering, I want to discuss it generally. There are many complex factors -emotional, physical, and cognitive mechanisms intricated and they all have to align evenly for fluent speaking to manifest. The disfluency of speech is stuttering or stammering. The depiction of stuttering is being stuck on repeating certain sounds, syllables, or words. It’s the psychical sensation of stumbling over or resisting what we are trying to say.
What causes the crumbling of someone’s words? Why do we do this and how does it affect the people who suffer from it?
There are two types of stuttering: Developmental and Neurogenic.
Neurogenic Stuttering is the speech fluency being obstructed in the context of psychical and/or mental damage. Neurogenic stuttering is caused by traumatic brain injuries such as having a stroke, diseases, or deteriorating developmental tissues. This form of stuttering is less common than Developmental Stuttering. Developmental Stuttering is the most common type of stuttering. About ten percent of children stutter between the ages 2-7, are learning how to speak. Roughly, 75% percent of those children outgrow it. The remaining 25% continue this into their adulthood. When a child learns to communicate their thoughts, needs, and wishes freely, they attain comfortability in expressing themselves, creating emotional connections, having a sense of freedom, independence, confidence, and a secure self esteem. Children that are listened to feel respected and that their expressions are valid. Children who grow up being humiliated or mocked for stuttering can develop adversity expressing their desires, boundaries, or who they are.
Stuttering materializes when children have the need to express themselves but their ability to communicate has not been able to fully develop. When anxiety, large amounts of dopamine, stress, or fear is present, the stuttering or the collapsing of words happen frequently. Anxiety and stuttering unite, and feed each other, as a loop. This causes a slippery slope of speech fluency.
In this world, verbal communication is the primordial, basic way to connect and express yourself with others. Stuttering makes this difficult and it can trigger anxiety, powerlessness, and humiliation- particularly when it comes to trying to make connections with people. Stuttering can be exacerbated in stressful situations such as trying to speak in public or social interactions. Negative experiences or interactions that are induced by stuttering can influence someone to stutter worse, be more frustrated, depressed, lonely, overwhelmed, etc. This can cause low self esteem, it can prevent or damage relationships, get in the way of professional & personal goals, undermine their performance in their daily lives, etc.
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The mechanics of putting executing my words has always been rather uncomfortable. To communicate is to make connection. When I felt my words were taken away from me, I felt I had lived behind a glass wall. As a child, I described my stuttering as my words being stuck in a spider web and struggling for dear life to break free. I frequently had outbursts of frustration that vividly portrayed my emotions.
My stuttering has most likely manifested from speech punishment, anxiety, and low self esteem as a child. In school, I was branded as the Haole girl who stuttered. Other children found my glitches of speech amusing. Because I was often mocked for how I tried to communicate with others, I grew up believing my voice was invalid or something to ridicule. The disappointment from my mother and her heated frustration often paralyzed me to find the interest to voice myself. This has lead me to second guess myself on a daily basis in my adulthood. I would get paralyzed in how I wanted to express myself because I had always felt like it was never sufficient.
I felt ashamed and guilty as people got impatient watching me trying to accomplish words. I still have phantom sensations of the burning humiliation when I choked on words, trying to fight tears, trying to resuscitate the words I wanted say. I stopped making eye contact with people after seeing (or sensing) their pity when they tried to watch me speak. I had lost interest in trying to engage with people (and with myself) because I thought I wasn’t capable of fully connecting with anyone else. When I felt humiliated, hurt, invalid, and frustrated, I found alternative ways to release my emotions but in unhealthy ways.
The feeling of ugliness I had felt from stuttering encouraged my desire to escape. The powerlessness and disconnection I lived in was heavy as a child. I felt as if my emotions were building up and as if I were drowning in emotions I couldn’t release. The constant resistance I had advanced my wariness in settings requiring a demanding amount of mental effort anticipating and attempting to avoid stuttering. So, I just gave up trying to connect with a world I felt I foreign to.
Over time, I realized that I felt less alone when I removed myself psychically, emotionally, and mentally from everyone around me. This is how my avoidance behavior and disconnection with others (and myself) developed. As I slowly drifted apart from myself, I often fantasized heavily of escaping, disappearing, running away, developing addictions and obsessions, and even suicide. It was easier to be invisible than to see myself as disinvited in the world around me.
However, my limitations have had some benefits. Stuttering and having a desire to connect with something pushed me to find alternative ways to express myself and find something tangible in this world such as playing piano, learning in depth about music history and theory, reading literature, and watching movies. This was my way to escape and to express myself the only way I knew how.
I couldn’t love my own words so I fell in love with literature pieces from Dostoyevsky, Sartre, Pessoa, Proust, Bataille, etc. I lived vicariously from reading the obscure words written by philosphers, they inspired me to analyze and find ways to express myself through the words I longed to speak. In libraries, I searched, spent hours, hovering over poignantly legendary sentences looking for anything, or everything, that resonated with me. In hopes that I could know I wasn’t alone in the emotions I felt trapped in. That my feelings existed in other people, who were long gone but loved by the world in how they shared their sentiments.
I pushed myself to expand my vocabulary to not fixate on one word to save a sentence. My relationship and passion for classical music expanded, my creativity thrived in relation to composing music, I felt inspired to describe the indescribable.
However, not all of my decisions on how I handled my loneliness were healthy. The pragmatic ways that I have coped with my aloofness in my past involved arrangements of substances, lucid dreaming, obsessing over my appearance as a distraction, - I had basically lived in my own world. My loneliness and solitude couldn’t be deciphered and it made it harder for me to be present in my own life.
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Although anxiety or depression is not the direct cause of stuttering, it can intensify stuttering. Neuroimaging research has shown that people with Social Anxiety Disorder and people who stutter process dopamine differently due to the D2 receptors. The amygdala has been proven to influence stuttering in SAD. My relationship with years of substance abuse and anti depressants has stunted my speech fluency in my adulthood, to this day.
But how am I moving forward?
Generally, substances and even caffeine can make your speech more apprehensive. If you look at the trajectory of my life, I could be pragmatically speaking if I advocate for psychedelics. Based on my personal experience and anecdotal reports, I want to shed some light on how using psychedelics have helped. Psychedelics are a delicate subject. Although they have created new avenues of insight, they are not the answer to my problems and is not for everyone. I have written about my relationship with psychedelics and my stuttering in this regard to see if my impression resonates with anyone and to share how it supports my experiences.
Speaking, to me, is like moving against water. I am overly conscious of my words and how I wield them because my mouth constantly resists them. Under the influence of psychedelics, my mind is at ease, my thoughts are luminous and coherent, and I am able to speak smoothly. There is no resistance and I am able to embody fluidity in my speech. I feel at peace with myself.
Psychedelics has motivated me to resurface from a semi conscious state that I made a home in. I believed that psychedelics have aided my deeper investigation of my etiology of my stuttering, my lack of presence in myself, and ignited inspiration to heal myself.
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Becoming a sex worker has challenged me to communicate with myself and others in intimate and vulnerable ways. I am learning how to be confident of declaring who I am, what I want, and how I resonate with others. My inner dialogue has changed significantly and it shown me how to have a better relationship with myself. My journey of self exploration and acceptance as a dominatrix is not tolerating, but finding appreciation and compassion in who I am and my past. Pushing myself to be vulnerable is helping me overcome my fear of feeling ashamed or unworthy. Continuing to put myself out there helps me become desensitized to fear of rejection or judgement at an optimal level. Therapy and introspection have been a positive force in that regard.
My stuttering, self disdain, hardships, vulnerability, healing process- they have offered me such an incredible and valuable awareness of who I am and how I want to move forward with my life. They have inspired self-knowledge, self forgiveness, and self-compassion in a way that reconnects me with reality. I no longer rely on my fluidity of speech to elocute who I am.
I feel incredibly lucky that I have the beautiful people in my life to inspire and motivate me to still be here, emotionally, mentally, and psychically. Overcoming my limitations with the people I love inspired me how to flourish my expressions and how to share them. I am finding new ways to approach and engage with people. I am inspired to discover the complexities of ourselves. I am actively learning that my limitations has shown me that I can explore multiple expressions of linguistics. I am growing into a deep understanding of what it means to be myself, with others.
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2020.09.21 22:45 fractalfay Sex hidden reality

After 24 hours as a pudding cannon and pill dispenser, Eric is in awe of himself and his untapped nurturing abilities. Larissa is a total vegetable, and Eric says it’s like having a kid, if parenthood has a 24 hour expiration date, and your child is made of plastic. He’s flirting with making airplane noises as he coaxes Larissa to “open” and consume another 25 calories of goo.
Eric is behind in the quotable quotes department, and realizes he’s running out of episodes to make that happen. So he tosses this salad: “Time without sex gives me more time to get prepared. For what? Well, it doesn’t involve plastic sheeting. It’s been 24 hours. She’s not recovering as quickly as I thought. But I’m not gonna stop when I’m in the middle of the danger zone. I’m gonna take it right into the danger zone.” Thank you Goose, that was outstanding.
He’s crying because Larissa truly is a mess, and he takes her back to the doctor’s office. Dr. Tit-Punch is exactly that, and he comes in like a jolly ginger cowboy checking in on that steer he just branded. He asks about pain, because the more she hurts the more his powers grow, and Larissa confirms it’s happening. Then he reminds Larissa that they hurt a lot because she went for a large size, and they’re under the muscle; he, of course, recommended a small size, but did she listen? Noooooo. Go home, Dr. Feelbad. Larissa can’t move her face at all while she pretends to laugh at her own expense. The doc then adds that he shrunk her areoles from their former silver dollar size to the size of a quarter, and I demand a better descriptor, since this Sacajawea dollar is very nearly a quarter, THANKS.
Fast forward a few weeks, and Larissa and Eric meet up with some of Larissa’s friends for a face and tit and weave reveal, as one does. Eric thinks all of this plastic surgery and bottomless pain killer prescriptions is strengthening their bond, so long as he doesn’t have to be her “sea-na” again (certified nurse’s assistant) again. This duo happily reports Eric’s recovery woes, that they’re still not having enough sex, and that they’ve moved a second bed into Eric’s bedroom, so they sleep like the camp scene in Parent Trap. Larissa’s friends think this is weird, but so is perpetually disappearing to play volleyball, and Paul’s entire existence, so yeah, on this show and in reality, this two beds thing ain’t shit. Larissa’s nose looks okay, even if one nostril seems bigger than the other, and her tits are standing at attention, threatening to escape the strips of fabric she used to bandaid her nipples. If she’s getting titties, she’s doing em justice goddammit, and is raising a flag with those cannons. I think she’s ready to be American.
Angela is beside herself with the news that her mother is in the ICU, and she’s quickly packing up before heading to the airport to be at her mother’s bedside. She’s afraid her mom will never meet him, and that she’ll arrive too late to say goodbye.
“Maybe it’s my fault,” Angela says, blaming herself for something she can’t control, like people with too much responsibility everywhere. Her grief and sense of panic is a reminder of Angela’s special place on this show, and the real person lurking underneath her brash and ridiculous façade. Human Angela is a thousand times more interesting than white trash caricature Angela. More of this, please.
Michael is in tears over her upcoming departure, but knows he has to be strong for her, because she needs to help her mom. He sees her off at the airport, and they call each other husband and wife. Angela wants Michael in the US of A, where he can support her in person, and it seems like she’s speaking for a lot of couples here.
After her plane lands, Angela fumbles with her luggage and heads directly to the hospital, knowing that she’ll have to crack some jokes as a greeting, because that’s how her mother knows her. As she heads through the hospital doors, she hopes to at least get to hold her mother’s hand and tell her she loves her before she fades.
90DF catches up with her two weeks later, and we learn that Grandma hung on for 10 more days, and Angela got to say goodbye. Angela and Skyla sit down to talk about it, and Skyla starts bobbing her foot the way Angela does when she’s trying not to cry, and reports that when she was at Grandma’s bedside, Grandma soothed her by saying, “Well, I’ve got to go to heaven sometime.” This is a perfect epitaph.
Angela seems softer, and she says Michael has been great over the phone, but she just wants her husband at her side. Then the grandkids ask if they can watch youtube, and Angela says fine, so long as they don’t land on that dude with Doritos dust still in his beard talking about green beams from California. She calls Michael, and starts smoking so he’ll recognize her. During this call Michael says that it could be up to 18 months before he’ll arrive in the USA on a spousal visa, and Angela wonders if all of this is too hard. Michael knows his role by now, and he says it’s not too hard, and they can do it — they just need to be more stubborn than the immigration office.
I’ve said it before, and it seems worth repeating: Angela’s tantrums are all an act, because these two are way too relaxed around each other for a pair in a consistently abusive relationship, and Michael is never surprised by her outbursts; they seem to know how they’ve been branded by producers, and work to color within the lines. In situations where people normally go to pieces, they are both instantly adults, navigating complex decisions and supporting each other practically and emotionally. They’ll be back.
Kalani and Asuelu are loading the family up to wave off the pirate ship that brought Asuelu’s family to shore. Kalani is calling Kennedy Freddy, and now I’m confused. They hope to get through a few sentences without a money grab, and things look promising when Rosa signs that it was good to see all of them, and Oliver and Kennedy make more effort to sign to her than anyone else thus far. Why didn’t we get more Rosa? Her signing with the kids would have been totally charming. Why does 90DF always drop us in the most predictable dark waters, and edit anything relatable out?
Just as they’re starting to relax, Mom asks for money again, and announces that she’s joking seconds before Kalani detonates. Asuelu says it’s too soon for that joke, and as they leave Mom reminds both of them to take care of the kids repeatedly, because Asuelu sometimes forgets.
“Bye my room, thank you for everything,” Mom shouts as they leave.
“Stop talking to me,” the room retorts.
Theory: I think Asuelu gave her more money when he went to visit her alone, and that’s the real reason she shut up about it. Just putting that out there.
Back in Utah, Kalani and Asuelu go to dinner, and cheers three times, and the bartenders need to stop being dicks and bring this woman an adult’s drink. Maybe I’ve been in Portland too long, but if I surrender $7.00 and get a Diixie cup of liquor and not a mason jar spilling over the sides, there had better be bottomless refills.
Anyway, since these two have nothing to talk about and Kalani is increasingly unsuccessful in veiling her contempt, Kalani asks the waiter for paper and pens so they can play Tic-Tac-Toe and a new game Kalani invented called Dreaming Myself Elsewhere. She suggests they do their homework assignment from the therapist, who they apparently went to see exactly once, because they’re doing that who-does-what list mentioned a few episodes ago. Afterwards Asuelu collects the papers and declares he’s going to grade himself. Dude, you need to swap papers with your neighbor. Do you even junior high, bro?
Anyway, Asuelu awards himself Perfect Attendance, and Kalani says hers looks like Honor Roll, but he can copy off her paper. Asuelu isolates his apple-raking meditation as one of his weekly responsibilities, lest the lawn be reduced to sauce. If he sugars the whole thing, he’ll be inching towards compote. I mean, think of the ants.
“Apples being raked does nothing for me,” Lady Kalani declares, as she nibbles just a corner of a truffle, and demands just a touch more wine.
“You are the pineapple of my life,” Asuelu JarJars, chawing on the ankle of a surfboard.
For the record, unfair allotment of domestic duties is one of the leading causes of divorce, and the #2 cause of a screaming match I may or may not have participated in seven years ago that included the phrase, “Go die.” #1 would be money, which also isn’t looking so good for Team Kasuelu, even if citizenship grants them double the 90DF dimes.
Later on, COVID-19 is becoming a Korean horror movie subplot, and Kalani is going to pass on the role of Woman Who Dies First. Asuelu’s been playing volleyball, which has to be code for drugs or porn or a massage with a happy ending, because I can’t. We know from his response to measles that he doesn’t think disease actually exists, so these unmasked, socially-intimate sweat exchanges could bring The Rona into their home. Kalani’s retort is to buy him a one-way ticket to Washington, aka the first state to suffer a major outbreak. This is the most Shakespearean thing to ever happen to this show. This is the most Game of Thrones thing to happen on this show.
“I know,” Kalani says, running her finger along the lip of a wine glass until it sings. “Quarantine is oddly freeing, isn’t it? Perhaps you’d enjoy another scene of me putting on makeup? I can also comb my mermaid hair from this clamshell.”
Kalani’s savage death sentence comes riding in on the back of the fucks she has left to give about his hidden “volleyball” agenda. AND THIS IS THE MOST SHAKESPEARE MOMENT OF ALL: She sentences him to several months with his mom, a senior citizen he’ll warmly embrace, germ flowing, right off an airplane.
“She sent him right into the danger zone,” Eric is in awe.
I see you, Kalani. I know you’re Cobra Kai. Strike fast, strike hard, no mercy. Sweep the leg. (Insert appropriate hand signal acknowledging mutual membership.)
Mother Kalani aka Lisa sits down to talk to Kalani, showing off her own waterfall of dark curls, used to thwart advancing man-babies and summon larger drinks. They sit underneath a sign that reads, “we decided on forever” without a hint of irony, and this is the greatest thing ever, and a warning not to put words on your wall unless you’re okay with their curse. After they talk for awhile Lisa starts crying, because her daughter is unhappy and Asuelu let her down.
“Can we just focus on how cute the children are and how sexy my husband is instead of Asuelu?” Lisa makes a solid argument. “Kalani was supposed to get a Brandon, and somehow she got a Steve. A Steve. You know who wants a Steve? Nobody.”
Speaking of needing help, Syngin is running out of reasons to return stateside with Tania, but thinks he can still feign confusion for a few more scenes. “How’s this face? That’s my confused face. Wait, I have another one. This is startled. I know, right? Range,” Syngin is prepared.
He sits down with his family, and they want to know if he has any actual desire to return to CT. His moms tells him he’s “wasting your journey,” unless he wants to travel with excess baggage. After several minutes of resigned conversation, he loses hope that one among them will demand a kidney or ask him to stick around the carry the groceries, so he remains stuck toting Tania across the tarmac.
“I could tote her,” Angela is ready. “I just need ya egg.”
It’s their last day in South Africa, and Syngin is getting ice cream with the person he’s about to be trapped on a plane with. Tania thinks that Syngin lied about his plans for the future, and time-out, Tania lied, too. She said they could live anywhere in the US, and the minute his plane landed she was waxing poetic about her own childhood and how she wants to raise her children in CT, thus rendering them both prisoners of a snowy state for upwards of 18 years. Tania says their relationship is all that maters, because she’s never gonna get a baby if something else does. For his part, Syngin decides he wants to be a coder, a fireman, a detective police officer but not a regular one, a boy band guitarist, and a meadow, because he doesn’t like to limit himself.
Colt has to break the news to his mom that he’s technically an adult, but not before he demonstrates that he doesn’t know how to cut a cat’s nails. His dieting strategy is surrounding himself with food he doesn’t want to eat, so he celebrates the delivery of vegan mac and cheese. Colt tries to get Debbie to arrange her mouth around this foreign sounding word, “vegan” and she recognizes it as the flirting he clearly intended it to be.
Debbie presses for the deets on why he seems down, and he says that after a lifetime of blaming the women in his life for his failed relationships, he’s ready to blame Debbie, too. Never mind that the common denominator in all of these relationships is the guy who doesn’t cook his own food or make his own bed, but lets not burden ourselves with details. Debbie still insists that Jess was using Colt for a green card, and that she has to meddle because the minute she steps away, he’s ordering dairy-rich foods without the dairy. Still, Colt feels like he doesn’t have the kind of privacy normally afforded a reality star. Colt mimes more son feelings, and asks his mom to hold his hand like a Lifetime movie. Debbie is not having it, because she’s seen that movie, and knows this is the scene where the mother’s role in the plot expires.
“I’d like to see him make his own bed, wash his own clothes, give himself a sponge bath,” Debbie scoffs. “No one lights a pumpkin spice Yankee candle the way I do. No one alphabetized the Cornish cookware like me. He might think he can handle a Pyrex dish, but think again.”
“I don’t know what any of those things are, but I want to be treated like a man,” Colt asserts. “Not because I act like one, but because I say it. ”
Speaking of not-a-man, Charlie is trying to form talking words with his chicken nugget brain, but he’s already double-dipped in Ranch. Andrei drags him outside, and since we’ve endured endless teasing of coming fisticuffs, nothing happens. Charlie drunkenly issues macho challenges, and Andrei says they’re not going to figure it out tonight. He tells Charlie to remember his sister, and her happiness, and they can go inside and worry about it later.
“Yes, the wedding was $30K, okay,” Andrei reports. “That was Charlie’s college fund, which will clearly not be needed.”
Somebody call 9-1-1, because Libby and Andrei’s Moldovan wedding is on fire! No one has puzzled out how to muzzle and duct tape the drunk guy yet, which means the groomsmen and bridesmaids are fired. Charlie sways around and says that Andrei is “soft” because he didn’t punch his wife’s brother at their wedding do-over, which is the sort of thing you think when a moment of not being the center of attention is enough to cause you to crumble. Chuck still wades around in Charlie’s bullshit, unwilling or unable to tell him to go the fuck home, insisting that he “did it for my daughter, not for Andrei.” Marcel tries to earn his place back on the groom team by telling Charlie to STFU, and DUI Jen works to make it worse by emphasizing that Andrei is still a bad guy, they should just should pause the theatrics for Libby. Nothing is going to stop this drunken tantrum, and he tells Chuck, “They’re already married, and you’re still paying for their shit. You have seven kids. I’m not taking a pay cut for this dude.”
“You can’t talk to Jesus when you’re drunk,” Thank you, Akinyi.
Libby doesn’t want to be left out of rerouting this public display of douchebag into Andrei’s fault. “Why is he so mad?” She demands. “What did you say to him?” Libby, drunk people aren’t logical. There isn’t a cause and effect happening.
Andrei takes Chuck aside, and asks him to handle his son, for America. This approach makes Chuck defensive, so Andrei reels it back, and apologizes for his part in their tense relationship. He says that he genuinely wants things to be better, especially now that children are involved, and says, “For the sake of my daughter, and your daughter, make peace.” Whoa, what’s adulthood doing here? Chuck seems moved by the sudden appearance of sincerity, especially when Andrei doubles down on acknowledging his contribution to this mess, and they agree to meet each other half way…until Chuck steps to the left for his interview, which allows another opportunity to say he doesn’t know about Andrei. Did he get a $5 bonus every time he trotted out this line?
Libby is still worried that Andrei and her family will never get along, and finds a way to hector Andrei about the importance of getting along with her fam all over again, and I can’t help but wish she’d take that tone with the other toxic people in her life.
“I made peace with you father,” Andrei says in his own defense. “Me and your dad buried the hatchet. Your sister and brother, they are assholes. Yes, I am the one who has said it. Look on Reddit, there is much agreement with me.”
Libby is drained, and just wants to enjoy the rest of her wedding, and Andrei is sweet to her, and these two are tolerable for a hot minute. Exactly one hot minute.
“There’s a broke bum over there named Charlie,” says a broke bum over there named Andrei. “What? You think peacefulness would last?”
Next week, it’s tell-all time! Angela wears her face mask so the internets don’t give her the ‘rona, Tania and Syngin show off that pre or post divorce glow, Kalani is pleased to report Asuelu isn’t there, DUI Jen and Charlie chuck grenades in glass houses, Colt is feeling himself, Angela threatens to beat Tammy’s ass because she can out Jerry Springer anyone, and Shaun eagerly demonstrates that she enjoys the smell of social distancing, and is also Cobra Kai. Make em bleed, Shaun. Make em bleed.
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2020.09.19 09:01 Morpho-Masigma [OoT] The Legend of Zelda: Shadow Light Master

The Legend of Zelda: Shadow Light Master
Chapter 1 — Anthem for No State III
Once upon a time, in the Void there was a Creator, of unknowable form and shape, who had power over all things. That Creator God, Allah, manifested a Reality, which They split into many faces. The first face was Knowledge, which began with awareness of Themselves. The second was Freedom. The third was the concept of good and evil, or Abraxas. The fourth was The Absurd. God knew all things through Their ways. They created people as a vicegerent on Earth, out of Their boredom, and to refine their knowledge still.
Allah made the people we know from two parents of sounding clay. Their names were Adam and Hawwah, peace be upon them. They gave them Ability and Wisdom to stand distinct among the hominid tribes descended before them. Before the creation of mortality, and therefore need, God knew no concept of evil, as no harm could come to Them. So They created the Omniverse to learn of evil. They sent the worlds teeming with living things and shining decorations inanimate yet breathing fire, and filled it with soups of oceans where lightning would bring the lowliest creatures crawling out of the depths in submission towards Their will. In designing all things to this Order, he instilled in them Meaning, and through their mortality, and the Freedom of people to choose between right over wrong, at the expense of themselves his idea of Goodness grew.
But people had to fall apart from God, separated. As God was good, and was only good, man could not be together with him as long as badness was inside them, and they were tempted to eat from that which was forbidden. In doing so they gained Knowledge, but were cast out from the Garden in which they lived in bliss. But no victory would be allotted to that coiled sinister serpent of a smokeless fire, Satan, who provoked them. All things were a part of Allah’s plan, even that rebellion of Their beloved. Some of Their Creation would go astray into the Fire, averse to Their guidance, others would return to Them, having distilled the good from the bad In their souls, and adding to God’s Knowledge of a Righteousness Order.
Until that Day though, past the Day of Judgement, Allah waits in silence. All people and demons, or, jinns, circumambulate and spiral the cosmos in the spaceships that are the muddy eyeballs called Earth and its sisters. The similitude of Abraxas is that of a snake biting off its infected tail. Good and evil cannot exist in balance in God’s Order. Good must triumph, because God is good and merciful, and has dominion over all things. So, we are within Abraxas, Abraxas is bleeding out, its blood the blood of evil, and when it dies, the Godman, The Godwoman, the Godpeople, will return to their maker. Such is the fate of the Omniverse, the vessel in which all multiverses reside as one.
But there are those who have forgotten God. They see the world another way, as confusion and sex, meaningless and lucky. They are lost. They see not Providence, but only the fluctuations of waves and lightning which brought forth their neighboring species, and claim them as their ancestors, though these “ancestors” knew not good from evil, only what they have been Ordered. It is not that these people are good nor evil, or that they are in rebellion, but simply that they have forgotten Allah, and maybe one day they will return to Him in remembrance.
But there are those who are different still. They invoke gender upon God, claiming Them as Her, and Her as three peoples. The people of Hyrule worship Din as the Goddess of Power, who they say brought the red Earth into being, Naryu, who created wisdom and law, and Farore, who filled their universe with living things. In their understanding of the world, the people of Hyrule introduced schism into the truth, and their people have been at war with one another ever since, the power that Allah gave entrusted to them being split into three parts, the Triforce, creating a battle with evil that cycles with no end.
Chapter 2 — I Am the Sun
The sun sat still in a throne of a blood red sky over Gerudo Valley. The heat shimmered and slithered around in the desert air. Tents dotted the sands, where the statue of the Gerudo’s goddess of a lost name, overlooked them cross-legged, with her palms outstretched, a snake adorning her neck like a boa, her hair curled and decorated with a Pharaoh’s headdress.
The goddess smiled. Tears of blood poured down her face. Goats climbed the rubble around the desert colossus and baa’d. In some tent a witch named Twinrova cried out as her friend died in childbirth, and despite her magic, she couldn’t save her. But she saved her son.
A son. For the first time in one hundred years among the Gerudo, a son. They named him Ganondorf.
Ganondorf was worshipped by his people as a foretold God-King. But even then, he was an afraid child. There were none in his tribe like him, save his surrogate mother. His skin was green instead of brown. His ears rounded instead of pointed, he was a boy in a clan full of women. Ganondorf learned the dark arts from his mother, but as his power grew, his reputation only grew more fearsome and respected among his people. Everything that came from him was only seen in the vein of the leader that he would be. But none saw him as a friend or equal.
None except Nobooru, who teased him incessantly. She outperformed him in archery, she out-rode him in horseback riding, and she even stole his swords, as was common among Gerudo who befriended one another.
But Ganondorf didn’t take kindly to being challenged. In his twenties, one night when they were horseback riding, he used his dark arts to crush her throat. Though Nobooru’s loss was mourned, none blamed Ganondorf, he offered the Hylians as a scapegoat, and said it was their doing. The Gerudo were eager to accept the explanation — aside from worshipping the God-King, the Hylians had been the beneficiaries of the Hyrulean monarchy’s economic policies for ages, while the Gerudo received little aid in the desert.
With Nobooru gone, Ganondorf consolidated power. He had come of age long enough to lead the Gerudo as their ruler. He made sure every Gerudo was adept at horseback riding and marksmanship, as well as educated in the way of the sword. He trained them to be adept at thievery to the point where every trip to Hyrule Marketplace resulted in some profit to their people. Ganondorf attempted to teach the Gerudo dark arts, but they could not learn them for reasons unknown. When Twinrova learned of Ganondorf’s efforts, she stopped him.
“Son, my son, keep this power for yourself, and now go to Hyrule Castle and join their knights. The Triforce, a mystical relic that grants any wish, has been hidden away in the Sacred Realm. If the Gerudo were to obtain it, we would be immensely wealthy and prosperous by every measure. But none but the Hyrulean Royal Family know of its location… So go and spy on them for us. There is a prophecy that a hero will open the Sacred Realm, to stop a great evil from ruling over the land.”
And so Ganondorf went. Soon he became advisor to the King himself, and overheard him telling the Princess Zelda about the Three Spiritual Stones and Ocarina of Time needed to open the gate to the Sacred Realm. They were located among the Kokiri, the forest children, the Zoras, the fish people, and the Gorons, the rock-eating creatures of Death Mountain. But though he went from place to place seeking to obtain the Stones, and to Zelda herself, the wielder of the instrument, the people would not give up their posessions to him. If he was not their awaited hero, who was?
So Ganondorf cursed each land he visited, infecting the guardian Deku Tree who was father to the Kokiri with a spider to ravage its insides, putting a jellyfish inside the deity whale Jabu Jabu to destroy him, and threatening the Gorons with starvation by blocking their food source inside the volcano of Death Mountain with a giant rock. In doing so he hoped to bring forth a hero he could follow into the Sacred Realm.
And come forth that hero did. He was a Hylian raised among he Kokiri named Link. Ganondorf followed the boy into the Sacred Realm, but was only able to gain one part of the Triforce — the Triforce of Power. To Link went the Triforce of Courage, and to Princess Zelda the Triforce of Wisdom. Ganondorf was never able to reunite the Triforce, nor was anyone else. Link and Zelda used magic to seal him in the Sacred Realm for eternity.
Or so they thought.
Chapter 3 — Dream House
“Did you hear that?” asked Zelda.
Link nodded. He drew his sword.
A black horse galloped across the bridge into Kokiri Forest.
“Ganondorf!?” cried Saria. She hid behind Link.
“Link… Zelda…”
Zelda charged up a ball of lightning.
“I’m not here to play games,” said Ganondorf.
Zelda fired the energy ball, which Ganondorf swatted with his cape into the forest. A fire started.
“Are you sure you possess the Triforce of Wisdom?” said Ganondorf.
Link pulled out the Ocarina of Time and played the Song of Storms. It began to rain, putting out the fire.
“Link, Zelda, listen to me, I have little time, before I have to return to that person,” said Ganondorf.
“That person? What are you saying?” asked Zelda.
“I’m here for the Triforce,” said Ganondorf. “The full Triforce.” His hand glowed with a golden triangle.
“Just as we thought. We have no interest in giving it to you,” said Zelda. “We won’t let you lay waste to Hyrule yet again, like you did seven years ago.”
“Seven years… have I really been sealed away in the Sacred Realm for that long?” Ganondorf mused.
“How did you escape?”
Rain poured down Ganondorf’s face. Thunder crackled.
“The Shadow Light Master,” said Ganondorf.
“The what?”
“The Shadow Light Master,” said Ganondorf. “When I was floating in the white void of the Sacred Realm, what felt like an eternity had passed. I had begun to lose my mind. Before the madness fully set in, a beam of darkness penetrated into the void, and sent me to Hyrule Castle’s garden, where you used to watch me through the window when you were young. I could hardly believe it. At first I thought you fools had decided to take mercy on me. But you were not there. When I came to my senses, I saw that there was a bearded man brown as the Gerudo. He was dressed in a black frock, embroidered with gold. The back of his right hand, blood-stained, was raised up to me, and it had a crest like my people’s, but mirrored. That crescent and star glowed like the Triforce does on our hands.”
Zelda and Link noticed their hands’ marks were glowing again.
“He had opened the Sacred Realm with his own brand of magic. Or rather, he said it was a power given to him by a god named ‘Allah.’ He seeks to destroy the Triforce. I seek to preserve it,” said Ganondorf.
“Destroy the Triforce!?” said Zelda. “Why would he do such a thing?”
“Indeed, Ganondorf, why would I do such a thing?”
Tthe man Ganondorf had described stepped into Kokiri Forest from a portal sparkling gold and black. His hair was thick and short and choppy and dark, his nose bell-shaped, his lips a cupid’s bow, his beard and mustache short. He was wearing black rectangular-rimmed glasses.
“Link, your hand is glowing. I must have altered the timeline by coming here. The Triforce of Courage should’ve been scattered through the land with the absence of the Hero,” said the Shadow Light Master.
“Absence of the…” said Zelda. “Oh, Link. When I was going to send you back in time, you chose to stay. There must have been a timeline where you didn’t.”
“And that’s the world I intended to set foot upon,” said the Shadow Light Master. “But it seems your goddesses are protecting you yet. Nonetheless. All is weak before Allah. Hyrule’s champions shall fall regardless.”
“Why are you trying to destroy the Triforce?” asked Zelda.
“Because I am from the sixth dimension, and have seen it all,” said the Shadow Light Master. “Past your time, past this fiction you call reality, living in the true world, where I’ve seen the endless cycle of conflict the Triforce perpetuates.”
“He’s shown me with his magic a future where Hyrule is flooded, where the goddesses couldn’t stop me from taking my rightful place as king,” said Ganondorf. “He came here to stop that from happening.”
“And you came here to betray me,” said the Shadow Light Master. “Link, Zelda, Ganondorf, Saria, the truth is that the Triforce can never usher in peace, only self-correct for a time. Do you think it’s a coincidence that the Triforce is hollow? Given its nature of being the truth being divided by three, there will always be internal strife in Hyrule, and perhaps across the continents, until someone from the outside steps in to break the cycle.”
“I am an incarnation of a demon named Demise’s hatred. He showed me,” said Ganondorf. “My spiritual father, who fought your ancestors, Link and Zelda, cursed me to reincarnate forever until you two were killed at last. I cannot be free until the Triforce is mine.”
“But Link and Zelda reincarnate too,” said the Shadow Light Master. “Hence every victory, from any side, will always be fleeting. Until the Triforce is destroyed.”
“The Triforce belongs to me!” said Ganondorf. He drew his sword and charged at the Shadow Light Master.
The Shadow Light Master extended his right hand. His crest glowed, and he fired a golden double helix of energy into Ganondorf, impaling him. “GAH!” He spat up blood.
“Alas and alack, you could’ve had that world for the Gerudo that you dreamed of, had you simply followed my instructions to bring the Triforce to me,” said the Shadow Light Master.
“Is he going to die!?” screamed Saria.
The Shadow Light Master used telekinesis to fling Link and the Master Sword into Ganondorf. “AHHHH!” They screamed.
“No. Now he’s going to die,” said the Shadow Light Master. “Say your final words, King of Darkness.”
“I knew this might happen,” said Ganondorf. “Link, Zelda listen to me… there is still time. I chose not to kill you. I know you are different from the King of Hyrule, who ruled over my people, who the Shadow Light Master killed.”
“My father’s dead!?” cried Zelda.
“He wouldn’t renounce his polytheistic ways,” said Ganondorf. “So the Shadow Light Master killed him.” Ganondorf pushed Link off of him, and grabbed his shoulder. “I can’t do this with Power alone. I need Wisdom and Courage. Don’t let me die. Please, heal me.”
Link pulled out the Master Sword, and him and Zelda did nothing. Ganondorf panted as he bled.
“Look at the morality of the Triforce,” said the Shadow Light Master. “He doesn’t have much longer.
“Shut up!” said Saria. “You’re the one who stabbed him!”
“As if you wouldn’t have done the same, had push come to shove,” said the Shadow Light Master. “So you’re not going to tell him? Maybe he’ll listen if you—
“Enough!” hacked Ganondorf. “Ugah… Link… I am your brother.”
“Ah!?”
“It’s true. Though we bear different mothers, our father is the same. The Gerudo only have a man born to the tribe every hundred years. My father is Hylian. Our father is Hylian. He was killed by the Gerudo after he left my mother for yours,” said Ganondorf.
“Link! Don’t believe his lies,” said Zelda.
“It’s the truth. Up until now, beneath me to tell,” said Ganondorf. “But if this is to be my end… then my final request… Link, please, as you are to be the next King of Hyrule… do not forget the Gerudo. We deserved better. That was my dream. Do not think of them as me… but as family. And do not let the Shadow Light Master succeed. Nobody knows what will happen to this world without a Triforce.”
Ganondorf raised his hand, and gave the Triforce of Power to Link. A second triangle appeared on his hand. Then the King of Darkness fell and died.
Chapter 4 — On GP
“Two left,” said the Shadow Light Master. “Unless you’ll hand over the Triforce willingly.”
“We have to get out of here, now!” said Zelda.
“I don’t think so.”
The Shadow Light Master fired another double helix at Zelda. She used Nayru’s Love to reflect it back at him. He was impaled in the chest, missing his heart.
“AAAK!” The Shadow Light Master coughed up blood. He clutched the hole in in his chest. “Looks like I miscalculated. Until we meet again.” He opened up another portal and vanished with Ganondorf’s corpse.
“Who knows when and where that man will strike next,” said Saria. “The Shadow Light Master said the goddesses were watching over us still. Let’s go to the Chamber of Sages. With the full Triforce, maybe we’ll be safe there.”
Zelda nodded. “Once we’re there, we can come up with a plan.”
Zelda warped the trio to the Sacred Realm, where they stood upon the central platform emblazoned with the Triforce and medallions of the Sages. Waterfalls poured around them while beams of light illuminated platforms where ghostly apparitions from either the past or future stood gazing at them.
“Time appears unstable here,” said Saria. “I wonder if it’s the doing of that man?”
“Maybe,” said Zelda. “…”
Saria hugged her.
“If I hadn’t left to visit you all… maybe I could’ve saved my father,” said Zelda.
Link put his hand on her shoulder and shook his head. The Triforce pieces on his hand glowed. So did Zelda’s.
“The Triforce,” said Zelda. “Maybe we can use it to defeat the Shadow Light Master. After that, maybe we can bring my father back as well.”
Link nodded.
Link, Zelda, and Saria stepped back, and the former two held out their hands to release the Triforce from their bodies. The pieces spiraled together, emanating a golden glow as it rose and floated between them in a beam of light.
“Should I do the honors?” asked Zelda.
Link and Saria nodded.
Zelda touched the Triforce. “I wish for the death of the Shadow Light Master, and for the life of my father.”
“Your father has been revived. But we cannot kill the Shadow Light Master,” said the Triforce.
“It spoke!” said Saria.
“Aha!” yelped Link.
Zelda was taken aback. “Y-Your Holiness, why not?”
“He is protected by his own sacred power — a being called ‘Allah’ from outside this multiverse,” said the Triforce. “He can be slain, but not with our Power.”
“Multiverse?”
“That is correct,” said the Triforce. “Our multiverse is composed of four timelines — one where Link fell to Ganon, one where he bested him, and you returned him to his time as a child, one where you lived on as an adult in his absence, and one where he chose to stay with you — the one in which you live now.”
“So then… is what the Shadow Light Master said true? Would Hyrule have been flooded if he hadn’t killed Ganondorf?”
“That is correct,” said the Triforce. “You three would’ve perished long before Ganon would have freed himself from the Sacred Realm. In the absence of a hero, We would have had no choice but to flood the kingdom to protect the world from Ganon’s reign. But the Shadow Light Master killing Ganondorf has changed things. As he is from another multiverse, it is not known to Us what will happen if he succeeds in destroying Us. There is a blind spot in our Knowledge. Thus we intend to flood the world.”
“Wait, no!” Zelda clasped her hands. “Your Holiness, please, don’t! We can do it! We can beat the Shadow Light Master.”
“Then so be it,” said the Triforce. “But if the Hero of Time is killed, then Hyrule must be flooded. Such is the fate of the Hero’s Metaverse.”
“Metaverse?”
“A metaverse being that set of multiverses whose fate is shaped by a concept, that concept, in our case, being the Hero — the Hero of Time. What happens to Link now, in the presence of an enemy who knows our multiverse in its entirety, threatens our whole metaverse.”
“But how can this be?” Said Zelda.
“Our enemy comes from a metaverse shaped around Allah and Their Will. And Their Will and Knowledge trumps ours. We are but a metaverse within their metaverse. If you intend to protect our metaverse, protect the Hero of Time. Without him, we are lost.”
“We should make one last wish,” said Saria.
“What’s that?” asked Zelda.
“We should know when the Shadow Light Master nears us.”
Zelda nodded.
“Your wish has been granted,” said the Triforce. It broke apart and returned to Link and Zelda’s hands.
“Don’t worry Link, we’ll protect you,” Zelda and Saria smiled.
Link smiled too.
“Though I wonder Link… if it’s true that Triforce would drown our homeland… should we still fight to preserve it?”
Link nodded.
“I know our prayers will be heard!” Said Saria. “The Triforce didn’t flood the kingdom this time around. With it, we have a fighting chance!”
Link unsheathed his sword and raised it in the air. It didn’t matter what the Triforce, or anyone said to him. He would fight to the very end to defend what he loved. To him, that was Courage.
“Let’s go see my father,” said Zelda. “I want to make sure he’s alright. We need to get him somewhere the Shadow Light Master doesn’t know about, in case he tries to kill him again.”
Link nodded.
Chapter 5 — Faith, Torn Apart
Link, Zelda, and Saria entered the throne room of Hyrule Castle. The King of Hyrule showed signs of life. Zelda ran up to him and hugged him.
“Oh father, I’m glad you’re alright!”
“What— what happened? The Shadow Light Master, is he gone?”
“He’s wounded and gone into hiding for the time being,” said Saria. “Your daughter warded him off with Naryu’s Love.”
The King’s eyes widened. “You mean you fought with that man by your— ahh, Link, there you are…”
Link smiled and shook his head, waving his hand.
“How am I alive? I thought the Shadow Light Master had killed me.”
“We used the Triforce, father. Ganondorf gave the last piece to Link.”
“He what?
“And the Shadow Light Master killed him,” said Saria.
“But how? I thought the Master Sword was needed to slay that monster,” said the King.
“Telekinesis,” said Zelda. “He has powerful magic of his own. He used it to throw the Master Sword into Ganondorf. He bled to death.”
“So Ganondorf is dead…” said the King. “I never thought I’d see the day.”
“Sorry to cut things short, but we need to get you out of here, Your Highness,” said Saria. “We need you to be gone before the Shadow Light Master finds you again.”
“So you want me to go into hiding as well,” said the King. “I suppose it’s for the best. Where shall we go?”
“The Forest Temple in the Lost Woods,” said Saria. “With its twists and turns, the Shadow Light Master will never find you there — magic or no magic.”
“Let us hope,” said the King.
The four of them warped to the Forest Temple.
“The temple has long been cleared out of monsters,” said Saria. “You should be fine living here. This is where I live now, too, so you should find it quite hospitable.”
“Before I go, there is one last matter that we should see to,” said the King. “I cannot lead the country while in hiding. But truthfully, I’m too weak to defend it, either. Link, now it is time for you to become the King of Hyrule, and Zelda, for you to be our Queen. Hyrule needs to have leadership that inspires. Seeing the Hero of Time and the Princess ascended should give them faith, should the Shadow Light Master reappear to wreak havoc.”
“Father, are you sure?”
“As I ever could be. The two of you are legendary heroes. You should find your ceremonial black clothes at the castle, should you choose to don them. It’s been sometime since Hyrule has had a queen.”
“I understand,” said Zelda.
“Syaaat!” said Link.
“Well said, Link, well said…”
“I’ll stay behind to protect you,” said Saria. “If the Shadow Light Master returns, I’ll call you two with my Fairy Ocarina to come help.”
Link grabbed Saria’s hand.
“Link...?”
The Triforce of Power left the back of his hand and appeared on Saria’s.
“Great thinking,” said Zelda. “This way your powers as a Sage should be amplified.”
“Haha, right,” said Saria. “Alright, so now what?”
“Zelda and Link should return to Hyrule Castle,” said the King. “Let Impa know of what’s happened, and prepare a speech to the Kingdom to warn them of the Shadow Light Master.”
Chapter 6 — March of the Black Queen
“So that’s who that man was. I was powerless to stop him,” said Impa. “The Sheikah have always known that the Hero metaverse is a set of multiverses within another universe, but never have we had interlopers from the outer dimension. Why now? The Shadow Light Master… Did he really come to save Hyrule? Ganondorf is dead. No… without the Triforce, we would live in a world without hope, should a warlock like Ganondorf ever arise again to gain the upper hand.”
“We should find him and finish him off while he’s weak,” said Zelda. “Send Sheikah spies to every town and region in Hyrule until they find out where he is. There are only so many places he can hide.”
“Unless he returned to the Allah’s metaverse,” said Impa.
Link and Zelda’s Triforces glowed.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t,” said the Shadow Light Master.
He emerged from a portal with his chest sealed and with a book in his hand. Its cover was inscribed with a language none of them had ever seen before.
“You ask why I come,” said the Shadow Light Master. “You’re right — I wish to save Hyrule from an eternal cycle of conflict. But not just its body, but its soul. This book is called the Quran. Read it. I want to save your souls from eternal damnation. And I want Ganondorf to face justice in Hellfire, instead of being sealed and revived time and time again.” The Shadow Light Master levitated the Quran into Zelda’s hands. “You should possess the Lens of Truth. Read the book with that lens, and you will learn the truth of my metaverse, and thus, the truth of yours. Polytheism is a division of the truth. The truth divided leads to chaos. Chaos can only be quelled through oneness. Oneness comes from submission to the one true God, Allah.”
“Even if what you’re saying is true,” said Zelda. “What does that have to do with Ganondorf?”
“A Day of Judgement will come,” said the Shadow Light Master. “And when it does, Allah will admit the righteous, who follow Their Word, to Paradise, as a Heavenly People. Those who do not, will be cast into a pit of fire for all of eternity. Those such as Ganondorf, who reject righteousness, will face justice in the form of Hell. But if Hyrule continues to worship the goddesses, they too will suffer Hellfire for dividing and therefore hiding the Truth. The Quran is the Mercy of Allah. Accept it and deliver yourselves into salvation.”
“I will say one thing,” said Impa. “This book does indeed appear to be from Allah’s metaverse. I can’t recognize the language. The Lens of Truth should confirm to us if the Shadow Light Master is lying.”
“Skaaaaank!” yelled Link.
“Link raises a good point,” said Zelda. “Even if your book is true, why would your God ask us to abandon ours? When ours have protected us from Ganondorf and ilk like him all this time?”
“Don’t be a fool, Your Majesty,” said the Shadow Light Master. “Do you think the goddesses care for your people? For your idea of right and wrong? Let me show you your multiverse.”
The Shadow Light Master opened a portal that showed various timelines.
“Each time Ganon is defeated, he is sealed, breaks free, or dies, and is revived. He is locked in an endless cycle of conflict with the spirits of Courage and Wisdom, incarnations of the Hero and yourself. The Triforce protects him just as much as it protects you. And he too has his helpers. And war is imminent.”
“It can’t be…” said Zelda. “And war? Now? What?”
“Yes. War. The Gerudo are coming,” said the Shadow Light Master. “I gave them Ganondorf’s corpse. They nursed my wounds. They aren’t taking the death of their God-King at Link’s hands lightly.”
“You’re the one killed him, not us!” said Zelda.
“What do they know?” said the Shadow Light Master. “I told them it was Link and the Princess Zelda. The Gerudo are already mistrustful of the Hylians as it is. It was easy to fan the flames of hate. But I’ll give you a way out.”
“What’s that?”
“Accept Islam, the revealed religion of God, and I will put down the Gerudo personally. But if you refuse, I’ll join them, and let them crush you,” said the Shadow Light Master.
“You’re out of your mind!” said Zelda.
“Skank!” said Link.
“You have time to read The Book yourself and consider. I’ll await your decision. For now, I’ll return to my universe. You have three days by my estimation. And Impa. As to why now? This is the fate Allah has chosen for us. Before the flood. It’s always now. The time has come to make a choice.”
The Shadow Light Master vanished.
submitted by Morpho-Masigma to zelda [link] [comments]


2020.09.19 05:07 LuckyDuck99 Reality hidden sex

Well I told you not to go expecting part 5 for a while didn’t I? ( I did. Go back and read my last words on part 4 in the comments..... )
And I was right ( as I often am..... )
The fact is I just couldn’t find the will to wade through another 4 episodes. Hence the delay. Now sure when you’ve lived over 800 years it’s hard to find the will to keep breathing every few seconds but it was really hard to find the 4 hours needed to watch more episodes and then God knows how much time writing about them. I’m wasting even more time now telling YOU all this when I could just be getting on with it.
Sighhhhh. Damn it I wasn’t even supposed to be alive right now, and neither were YOU. Does anyone remember when the world was ending earlier this year? What the hell happened to that!!??!!
God damn it!!!! Alright lets do this if we must.......
So, the final round up? Sort of, since if I live long enough to do a part six ( and when you’ve lived 800 plus years you have to assume every day will be your last.... ) it will deal with the final two episodes of this series and maybe round up some other ideas and thoughts I missed along the way. So yeah the final round up of the last four proper episodes if you like is contained here. ( and even if you don’t like..... )
So what do I have to say about these episodes you ask... well read on... wait, you are thinking.... no crazy stuff about this or that? You are just getting on with it now? Well, yeah. What else is there to say about life, reality, death and the indoctrination process of decades of wasted youth? Not a lot my end so yeah lets get on with it.
Although..... having said that......
There was this funny story about this guy who dropped dead.
You know how it is when you are 9/10 and your mom is talking to some friend of hers that she knew long before you were dragged here, when you are out shopping and all you want to do is.... ( leave the planet far, far behind / be back home in your room / go on an adventure like in The Ring, wait was that Wagner’s Ring or the one with the guy out of The Office in it????..... )
And the convo goes something like this......
“Oh my God Jean, did you hear about Albert?”
“No, what’s happened?”
“He went out like a light last Thursday”
“Good God almighty not Albert? Not Susie’s husband?”
“The very same”
“Dear God Almighty, I only saw him the other day, what happened?”
“Doctor said it was a massive heart attack. He never felt a thing”
“God Almighty, how old was he? He can’t have been all that old?”
“Sixty Two”
“What!!! No he had to be older than that. My brother went to school with him”
“No that’s all he was, 62. I couldn’t believe it myself. It’s no age is it Jean”
“God Almighty, He never smoked. He never drank. He used to walk everywhere. He used to cycle miles on that bike of his. He’d make two of my old man. He was as fit as a fiddle”
“I know. I know. Susie said she was in the kitchen putting the dishes away and she heard a thud. She came in and he was gone, his head was in the soup bowl”
“Oh My Good God. There will be another now. It always goes in threes.....”
Sure enough there were others. And it did always go in threes.
Looking back now, maybe funny wasn’t the right word to describe this story.......
Anyway where was I? Oh right....................
Episode 17.
Well damn, this is odd. Odd for a couple of reasons. The first one being that as you may know ( as I’ve said it before.... ) this isn’t my first time wading through series 5. I first did ( from my point of view a few hundred years ago... ) yet I didn’t remember a single thing about this episode. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. What does that tell us? Well, it tells me that either I’m cracking up memory wise and can no longer trust my own thoughts or that for ( some reason.... ) never saw this episode the first go round hence my lack of any memories of it.
I have no answer to that of course. Either I didn’t see it or having lived so very long things are finally starting to delete from my head. It does of course raise the question of what a human really is. Just a collection of memories which may or may not have even happened. Hell, the next thing you’ll be telling me is I’m not 800 years of age.
So anyway we start off on the ship ( guess no one cares about the bar anymore..... ) wait lets just break this down cause it’s an odd episode anyway. Basically it’s like this. This is a stand alone, not really connected in any way to series 5, it was all a dream type episode in which the main players get to act up and act out different roles. Be wacky, oddball and ummmm different. If you remember Farscape you’ll remember EVERY episode played out like that. ( Which is why it got canned. You can only take a joke so far.... )
Dylan gets hit by space goo and goes in to a coma. From there he travels around different realities in which the other crew get to play roles cause they had to give them something to do. Well apart from Harper and Beka who don’t do shit. Oh and Rommie of course who is for the third episode in a row just a voice over. God damn you Rommie. You just had to go and get yourself knocked up didn’t you!!!!
Oh and there’s an ugly Space God guy who is in all realities ( as is often the case... ) Wait did Dylan’s real world religious antics influence this episode? It feels like it might have.... ( as indeed it has others long before, think series 4’s two part final.... )
We go back to the bar where Harper is doing stand up and still running the bar, but Space God shows up and kills Dylan.
We go to the ship where the crew are trying to save his life.... but Space God shows up and kills Dylan.
We go to yap with Trace who is acting good even though she is now the bad Trance.... ( or is she the good one in this reality????.... )
We go to a room with Andrea inside it who has for ( some reason.... ) been locked in it for 100 years....
We go back in time to a world where the series never happened and Dylan married the hot chick but she is now Andrea and Space God shows up and..... maybe kills Dylan?
Oh and Space God plays Space Chess. And has a passion for white. Of course he does. He can also go all Matrix Agent on your ass and jump in to anyone in the universe and take them over.
He’s every woman.... and every man.
This sort of episode has been done by pretty much all sci fi series at some point. Enterprise did it. Farscape WAS it. I’m sure Stargate did it, right? And so on and so on.
Dylan finally sorts out the mystery, something about saying words backwards and waking up to stop the universe blowing up by switching off / not switching off something. I dunno. At that point I was more worried about the gaps in my memory than the episode to be honest.
Final twist? Space God shows up as the captain of some ship that for some reason would also have been blown up.
Wait, if Space God was real did he do all this to avoid getting blown up?
But... he’s Space God he couldn’t just stop it himself????????
Plus why the hell was Space God flying a damn space ship in a pocket reality anyway????
So was it all a dream? A drug induced hallucination? The final mad thoughts of a dying mind as it shuts down and travels towards the light... or the pitch black darkness of the void? Or was Dylan really travelling through unrealised realities? We may never know......
Good or bad then. What say I? Well.......................
It’s kind of neither ( I said this was all very odd at the start remember... ) You could take this whole episode out and it wouldn’t effect the series in any way. Maybe that’s what my mind did. I did watch it so long ago and my mind simply couldn’t retain the information ( like in Doctor Who with the Silence, remember them? ) Or you could say it’s an ok episode if you haven’t seen ( and remember... ) the dozens of others times all this has played out in other sci fi series. As such I can’t score it. It belongs in a sort of no mans land. Neither here or there. Oh well one down three to go. Lets hope my memory improves. Damn it how can a person remember 1921 yet can’t remember a damn TV episode from 20 years ago.
Bonus Thoughts.....
If all those realities were real then what the hell are we worrying about any of this for. Let the Abyss blow everything up, there are an infinite number of realities left.
Plus... Space God. Where the hell was he when the bastard Magog were eating entire planets? I’ll tell you where. Sitting on his ass playing Space Chess. But he pulls all this shit to save his own sorry ass!!! Fuck him!
Andrea finally gets some stuff to do so there’s that I guess. She has been pretty much wasted since episode 4 after all. Too bad she’s largely wasted here as well. Course she wouldn’t even be here at all if a certain person had ever heard of condoms......
Episode 18.
Son of a bitch, Rommies back!!!!!!
After 17 more or less wasted Rommie less episodes she finally returns with ummm..... five episodes to go before the series ends forever.... yeah.....
I guess she finally popped that damn kid out but as a result that instantly pole vaults this episode in to the Goodish category even though it’s not really all that good. ( more on that later..... )
It is great to see her back though and shows what series 5 has been missing up to this point. Hell Rommie should have had her own show all along. We never needed any of the rest of them. One hour of each of the three Rommies arguing with each other would have been better than ALL the episodes of Andromeda combined.
Anyway..... we kick off with the crew moving the entire population of planet 9 to the Maru before the sun cooks it. Which is fine, IF the Maru has infinite fuel and infinite storage space and the crew have about 300 years to get this job done. Or the planet only has a population of a hundred people. Since we know that the first three don’t apply we have to go with the last option. The planet only has one hundred people total on it. Either that or 7 billion people die in a few hours when the planet gets cooked.
Meanwhile....
The Andromeda finally has power and slipstream and is FINALLY ready to LEAVE THIS SYSTEM. This is IT. It’s taken 18, count em’, 18 episodes to get to this point but we are outta here boi!!!!! Yeah, lets do this. All flight systems on!! Maximum power!!!!
And we are gone!!!..... ohhh... no...... it was another fake out.
Slipstream won’t work now without Rommie the android even though it worked fine back in Episode 1, Series 1, when there was NO android Rommie.
Ok then well that means Dylan finally gives a fuck and wants to rebuild Rommie after 17 episodes where he didn’t give a monkeys. Lets hope those guys on the planet can hold on........
Meanwhile Trace who is now the bad one right? is on the planet that is going to blow up with Rhade and tells him something about his dead family that sets him off. Too bad he wasn’t that set off when he was carrying on with Number 1 from B5 back at the end of series 4 right?
Meanwhile Harper is back to running the bar ( this fucking bar, am I right?..... ) And is not happy about rebuilding Rommie cause she might come out evil this time, but he gets Andrea to do it anyway cause we can’t leave this system if we don’t. Or save the billions on the planet that will blow up in a few hours.....
Andrea builds a perfect Rommie in I guess a few hours at most?
Damn, someone sure could make a LOT of space money with this kind of tech. Although she now has a Borg Implant and a sexy silly walk. Ok, but fuck, it’s Rommie!!!!!
However when she gets aboard the ship she does what Harper suspected and turns evil. So now we have evil Rommie. The girls have a girl fight and although Rommie wants to kill Dylan and really who can blame her, she doesn’t. The ship is of course in more or less pitch darkness though out as we have discussed before. How anyone sees anything on that flight deck is beyond me. The sun gets closer to the planet. Billions will die and Trance, the bad one, has a chat with Rommie which sets her off even more just when the others had done a deal with her to give her, her memories back so she goes back to kill Dylan but Andrea instead shocks her and this somehow gives her back her core memories and so now she’s on our side again, maybe, I guess...... unless she’s playing the long game here and will wipe out the crew at a later date. ( kill them, kill them all in their sleep........ )
The sun destroys planet 9 and seven billion people die!
Wait but then the crew say that NO ONE died so how did they move seven billion people? You see, it don’t be adding up. So there could only have been a hundred people on the planet total.
So now at last after 18 fucking episodes and with a new improved Rommie we can FINALLY LEAVE THIS FUCKING SYSTEM!!!!! Do it, go to slipstream NOW!!!!!
And............................... we do. We are out of this........ wait no... you have got to be shitting me!!!! We are back in the same place. We went to slipstream and it still didn’t work. Son of a bitch. Not that it really matters at this point we have 4, count em’, 4 episodes to go.
The episode ends back in the bar where Andrea ( with her hair now done up, maybe it was the shock?... ) says she feels like a new woman ( even though she’s a robot.... ) and Harper apologises for being an arsehole. ( but since he’s also a LAIR do we believe him?..... )
The crew have a laugh despite knowing they will never leave this system now no matter what and that trillions of people will soon die on the other 7 planets that will very soon go the way of planet 9.
Wait, so we did all that just to get slipstream working again and now we have it and it still isn’t any use to us. Son of a bitch!!!............
The verdict? Hey, it’s got Rommie center stage, I can’t say anything bad about it. ( well apart from what I said above..... ) but yeah one of the better episodes of this series and the best since the first 4 I guess. It just proves how much better this whole series would have been had Rommie been there from day 1.
Episode 19.
Oh Gawdddd! Is this the one I think it is? Yep. It is. Son of a bitch. Ok, strike it, I’m outta here, see you at Axeley 2 bois.
..... Really? You WANT me to suffer? Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Alright but I’m calling it right now this episode throws us right back to the bad stuff and is pure bullshit. There. That’s my verdict. In the same way the mind will wipe some memories it will keep others locked away like in a safe. THIS episode is one of those.
We are back to worrying our guts out about Warlords now. We gave that a rest for a bit didn’t we, we did. We had bigger fish to fry. Suns blowing up planets. Rommie going bad and Trance too ( although no one noticed with that one.... ) So now knowing that we have NO WAY of EVER leaving this DAMN SYSTEM we are back to worrying our guts out over fucking Warlords.
All we need now is that little rat faced weasel White Vampire killer to show up as well.
Dylan. Dylan. Dylan, listen to me. Listen to me. It doesn’t matter. All these planets only have 100 people on each of them. Because as we know if they had billions of people on them, the Maru would need.... infinite fuel.... infinite space... and about 300 years of non stop not resting for a single second of time to be able to MOVE THOSE PEOPLE to planet 1 where your arse is nice and safe anyway. So you see Dylan you are worrying over a total of 700 people.
Let them all die. Let the Warlords die with them. Dylan. Let it go. Let it all go.
Lets just sit back, let the sun do it’s job and then when this shit hole planet is a new paradise maybe you can finally settle down and think of all the people that died back in your universe because you wouldn’t do what needed to be done with the whole Magog thing. ( ie the total and utter genocide of every single last one of them... )
So we start off in, of course, pitch darkness aboard the Andromeda. Somebody give that crew a flashlight cause someone is gonna have an accident. For a ship now at FULL POWER it’s too bad NONE of it is going towards the lighting system. ( remember in series 1 when the whole ship had LIGHTING????? )
Hey look it’s Rommie. I mean you are sort of 18 episodes too late at this stage Rom but hell it’s always good to see you. Andrea is there as well. Which is odd when she literally said at the end of the last episode she was now her own woman yet here acts like Rommies right arm and twin.
There’s trouble a brewing. It seems, quite rightly, the folk of planet 1 aren’t too happy about DYLAN, yes remember this is ALL HIS DOING, dumping the 700 ( or 22 trillion, you pick... ) people of the other planets on theirs. I mean they aren’t wrong. But this is Dylan. It’s always easy to play the hero when you never have to pay the price because you can just fly away at the end.
A meat head explains the issue quite well. There just ain’t enough food and stuff to feed/house 700/22 trillion people.
Where’s the lie though? He’s right. Hence my point earlier of letting them all die.
If only Dylan had been this worried about life when the Magog were eating whole planets instead of wiping them out back then, what did the Commonwealth do? Gave them more planets to eat. Which is why it fell in the first place. The Nietzscheans were right. The Commonwealth literally brought about it’s own downfall through sheer stupidity!!!!!
The girls beat up the meathead and Dylan walks away from the problem HE created as he has done all his life. As people like him ALWAYS do. ( Think The Doctor out of Doctor Who.... )
Meanwhile Harper who for once isn’t running/worrying about that damn bar is on the Warlord planet with Rhade and of course you guessed it. It’s in PITCH DARK. Anyone got any Night Vision Googles I can use? This fucking show. Couldn’t they afford lighting AT ALL this series?????
Anyway from what I could make out in PITCH AND TOTAL DARKNESS. The duo are in the teleport room wait, what!!!!! How did I over look that?????
Of course, all these planets have teleport rooms. YOU DON’T NEED A STARSHIP TO MOVE PEOPLE.
Fuck me I’d forgotten all about that. So why the fuck did we make such a big deal last episode of having to move the planets population by SHIP when all they had to do, all 100/1 trillion, of them was walk in to a room and walk through a door?????
However the teleport door is stuck so Harper needs to work on it while Rhade who has a hard on for the Warlords sister ( who may be cute..... ) goes back to save hekill the bag guy. But Harper shoots a big Asian guy first. Funny how saving lives isn’t so much of a priority when your own life is on the line eh?
The Warlord is of course standing in a cave in PITCH DARKNESS giving his cult members a speech. Telling them the planet will not blow up and that tech is too be feared.
And that’s the thing. You can’t un-brainwash people like this. It’s too late. They are too far indoctrinated for anything you say to have any effect. But we have to play the hero just to learn that lesson yet again the hard way don’t we. Rhade tries to save the sister ( who is cute.... ) and wastes breath trying to convince people that have been lied to from birth, that he is telling them the truth.
It goes, as anyone over the age of 245 would expect it to go.
Meanwhile the crew are starting to suspect something might be up with Trance. Don’t know why since she’s acting exactly like she always has. Odd how Dillion talks of having to save millions of lives when we know each planet can only house 100 people ( otherwise the meathead guy at the start was CORRECT. Save them now just to watch them starve in a few weeks time.... because that’s totally going to happen. Sure the planet has the ROOM but it DOESN’T have the RESOURCES..... )
Oh Jesus I didn’t even mention the D Plot yet did I? Like this episode needed MORE plots.
Beka is doing her thing in space when she for some reason.... runs in to a ship full of Nietzscheans, yes those guys. ( How did they get here?.... We may never know..... ) I still don’t buy all this Mother of Dragons crap either. Beka, you are a mother alright but not of Dragons, I’m thinking more of something beginning with an F and ending in an R.
For some reason the head guy has got a couple of S&M guys with him ( shades of Farscape rear their head again....... ) Is Sci Fi big in S&M circles then? I mean I’m 800 odd so I might be a little out of touch with things. All I know is it wasn’t like this in back in 1928. I mean, sure, ok, there was this one time in Paris, but..... oh you don’t wanna hear about that.
Look at that I’ve already written more on this crap episode than I have on any other, and I’m not even half way through the damn episode!!!! Go figure right. Guess it’s just so bad and it’s pissed me off so much I’ve gotta let you folk know.
Mother of Dragons. GTFOOHWTBS. ( think about it..... )
Andrea and Rommie now seemed to be joined at the hip, almost as if the show only needed Andrea when Rommie wasn’t around and now that she is hasn’t got a clue what to do with her.
This is where we get the sex scene. Oh yes.
The girls override Bekas cameras ( which raises many questions, none of which will be answered.... ) and we see that she is busy having... well.. how can I put this, you see... well.... we are made to think at least that one of the S&M guys or maybe the head Nietzschean is ummmmm licking a certain part of Beka’s body as you were. See, it’s funny. Apart from the whole lack of privacy issue of course, but to hell with that. Guess this scene wouldn’t fly in 2020 right?
But of course when we see it for real it turns out the S&M guys were only washing her feet. Not eating her out as we were lead to believe and what Dylan, Rommie and Andrea still all believe ( cause they only saw the close up, and heard all the moaning.... ha, ha..... ) Ok.... not sure why that would give her an orgasm but hey maybe she hasn’t washed them in a long time?
Back to the “A” plot. Remember that?
Cute sister goes to see Rhade who is in jail and he tries to talk sense into her... yeah... Trance flash’s up in a sun, is that the good Trance now or the bad one? We may never know. And we are back with bullshitter Beka and the S&M guys, say how did you folks cross universes and how can we do it?????
And I thought things could only improve with Rommie back, God was I wrong. This might just be the worst series 5 episode yet. Son of a bitch!!!!!!
Anyway....
Head Nietzschean drugs Beka and plans on stealing her ship. ( even he doesn’t buy all the Mother of Dragons crap...... ) Despite already having one and stealing it with her still onboard. How does that work???? Odd how someone who claims to be smart and experienced would fall for an old trick like that, yet here we are. Guess you aren’t as bright as you like to think eh Beka?
Cute sister goes back to see Rhade ( she is cute.... ) and helps him escape. ( by giving him his communicator and something... ) he does, then bad Trance turns up for...... some reason....... Then she goes to see the Wizard ( Warlord... ) and tells him his sister is no good. Cute, but no good. He agrees. The Warlord is also Asian by the way. Is this all about the Vietnam War by any chance???? It does have those sort of finger prints all over it. In the same way Aliens was Vietnam in Space.
Trance goes back to the ship. The ship that is STILL IN PITCH DARKNESS. And runs in to Rommie. ( literally, lack of lighting maybe?.... ) Well this episode just improved.
Rommie has been sent by Dylan to sound Trance out cause he don’t be trusting her no more. ( unlike the good Trance this one talks too much sense..... it was finally her undoing.... ) In the same way he lied to Rommie last episode about helping her when he planned to shut her down all along. He now sends Rommie out to lie to Trance and in the same way he did nothing to help Rommie for 17 whole episodes until HE needed her for HIS OWN personal gain he only now takes action against Trance 2 because it benefits HIM.
The Great Captain Hunt, people. You’ve gotta love him.
But Trance who really at this point is the smartest person in any room is wise to all this and shocks Rommie. God damn it. We just got Rommie back, don’t you be fucking her up again!!
Warlord goes to confront his cute sister. Faith vs Science, yadda, yadda, yadda. These speeches might carry more weight if WE didn’t live in a world where WE are brainwashed from birth by the very same nonsense the Warlord believes. So he kills her. Damn... she was cute. Course she would have died anyway when the planet blows up in about 4 minutes from now, but still. Always the cute ones..... God damn it!
The D plot. They send Andrea out to save Beka’s lame ass and beat up the Nietzschean guy and his S&M friends ( How DID they get into this universe again?????? ) She does.
Rhade finds cute sister and vows revenge even though she is dead BECAUSE of him. Just like Number 1 from B5 is dead BECAUSE of him. No wonder this guy drinks. But... he gets taken by the cult members so Dylan shows up and kills the people he was so eager to save. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Harper as luck would have it has finally repaired the teleport door but then the Warlord shows up, but it’s ok cause then Dylan shows up and kills more people he was hell bent on saving not too long ago. But Warlord and Harper teleport out.
Back on the ship Trance is finally revealed to be bad thanks to, of all things, CCTV footage.
Trance and Dylan watch as seven billion cult members die a swift death.
Is there a message here at all? If there is, it feels like it’s sort of the wrong one. Faith just got seven billion people killed, science would have saved them all. Isn’t Dylan all about faith in real life? The hell???? He APPROVED this?????
To Be Continued....
What??? Oh fuck no, no.. Jesus H Christ. That means there will be more of the fucking Warlord in the next episode. God damn it why did I ever start any of this??!!!??
Well there it is. In case you couldn’t tell this wasn’t one of my favourite episodes. In fact I’m officially ranking it THE worst episode of Series 5 right here, right now.
I mean it could have been a good episode if you took out.... The Warlord, Mother of Dragons, S&M guys, Faith vs Science, Rhade, Harper, Beka, Trance, Pitch Darkness, Dylan and just had a story about the cute sister teaming up with Rommie and Andrea to ummmm go on a treasure hunt.... or something. But no, we get this.
AND if I live another 800 years I NEVER want to sit through this again. I have nothing more to say about this episode.
Episode 20.
Well we already know that the Warlord is going to be in this and that Rhade is going to be bitching about revenge ( try looking in a mirror Rhade.... ) and it’s a given that PITCH DARKNESS will play a huge role so I don’t have high hopes before I even press play but here we go..............
Oh Gawwwdddd. We are doing a recap. Last time on.... FFS what did I just say!!!!!!
Mute. Fast Forward. God damn it!!!!!
The ship. Pitch Dark. Of course. How the actors didn’t break their necks filming this series I will never know. Rommie and her twin, ( her own woman.... ) Andrea walk and talk with Dylan. It seems more folk have been “saved” well I mean at least until they starve to death in a few weeks time, but hey three extra weeks right? Did they all use the teleport rooms this time, cause that would seem to be the better choice given the whole 300 years needed the other way.
The Warlord then gets in touch with the ship and says he will kill Harper. I don’t see a problem here. I mean Harper’s had a good run and lets be honest his stick got old back in series 1, episode 2. Him dying two episodes before the series ends for good wouldn’t bother me.
The Warlord calls Dylan out on his BS saying all this is his fault and he’s not wrong is he? ALL this is Dylan’s fault. If he’d just died back at the end of series 4 and never come to this universe Trance wouldn’t have woken up and her sun wouldn’t have killed seven billion cult members on that planet. Not to mention all the gimps, bar owners, gun runners, cute sisters, bounty hunters, mature women and crazy MF’s that would also still be alive now had Dylan died back on the Ark. Also everyone on board the Ark would also be alive had the Commonwealth done what needed to be done long ago.
How much blood do you have on your hands Dylan Hunt?
Ah but, you say, it is all fate. Destiny. Fine then. So that means there is no free will in this universe. Dylan was always going to survive and Number 1 from B5 was always going to die.
Whatever, Dylan says he doesn’t give a damn about Harper and then we turn our attention to Trance. Dylan figures out she must be back in the robot Sun from episode 16, although how they are going to get to her is anyone’s guess. It only shuts down for an hour once every hundred years remember?
The Warlord who was going to kill Harper..... doesn’t kill Harper. Instead his new plan is to get onboard the Andromeda. Hell he might break his neck if he does, then again he was pretty used to pitch dark back on his own planet so he should be ok.
The ladies watch as another planet goes bust. We must be running out of planets at this point right? Sure hope all seven billion people teleported out so they can now die a slow death rather than a swift one like the cult members did. Andrea continues to act like Rommies little sister rather than in her own words a new woman....
As luck would have it the fake sun is playing up which is just as well as without that good fortune Dylan had NO WAY AT ALL of getting back inside there without waiting a hundred years. Lucky. Or fate made it play up cause no free will remember.
What the fuck!!!!??!!! Harper and the Warlord are now onboard Andromeda. HOW DID THEY DO THAT???? We may never know......
Trance does a little dance.... The Rommie twins do a double act and the Warlord is revealed to be The Abyss all along. His new plan is to blow up the ship. Oh noes!!!!
The corridors of the fake sun are, just as they were in episode 16, pitch dark but that sort of makes sense given that it’s an unmanned fake sun that can only be accessed once every hundred years..... apart from today of course.....
The twins fight the bad guys and win, because, well they are hyper strong super robots, of course they were going to win. Then Trance shows up, she does get around.... Then Beka shows up as well. The ladies figure out that Harper has betrayed them ( cause he totally did..... ) and that the Warlord is also somehow on board. The ladies then fight more bad guys in a scene that goes on for about half an hour. They win of course but that’s because they know Kung Fu.
Meanwhile Dylan has reached the core of the fake sun and figured out that Trance 1 is trapped here cause she left her coat there.......
Andrea tricks one of the Asian cult members ( so is the show saying that all Asians are cult members, like they all conform to a certain ideology or maybe follow a ONE PARTY system, something like that...... it sort of seems like it is..... ) And the girls find out about the bombs and oh Harper is dead.
Ha, like hell he is. It’s another fake out. He was fooling them although why he needed to fool Beka and the twins we may never know. It almost feels as if he was trying to fool a hidden fourth wall breaking audience that may or may not have been looking in.....................
Now them, he would have fooled.
Dylan finds Trance after shooting up the place. She was in a sort of Time Cocoon even though the end of episode 16 made it very clear she was held prisoner in the core chamber. She regenerates and teleports everyone out right before the sun destroys the ummmmm sun..... Lucky.... or fate, lack of free will, etc.....
Beka confronts the Warlord/Abyss but rather than shoot him on sight she... doesn’t.... Instead she does more Kung Fu. The hell Beka!!!!! More fighting, killing and teleporting but all to no avail The Abyss pulls one of those guns that everyone made a huge fuss about back in episode 5 or 6. ( I’m not going back to check. The one about the mines and the whole they took our land subtext. You figure it out. ) and is about to kill Beka when the wonder twins show up. Then Dylan shows up and..... everyone shoots The Abyss. But as you know he’s the Abyss, he’ll be back.
Now for the Trance problem. They have a Trance fight and now we don’t know which is which. See, if only good Trance had stayed next to Dylan we’d know exactly which was which. But it’s ok cause the bad Trance beams out ( or was she the bad Trance?????...... )
The crew watch as the sun goes off course and blows up planet 1 making all their efforts futile... no wait, it stopped just before it got there. Sure seems hella’ close though on the screen. Pretty sure a star that close to any planet would cook all life off it in about 3 seconds flat. Then the crew asks the same question I pondered earlier, namely how did the Warlord get on board the ship and did Harper betray them all ( he did... ) but it’s all played as a joke and Harper is once again off the hook.
Well, we started the series with nine planets, now we have one.
22 trillion people will die in three weeks time due to starvation.
We may still have the bad Trance onboard and seven billion Asian cult members died a few hours ago but we get a sitcom style happy ending where all the girls team up in a sort of sistas are doing it for themselves thing.
Dylan reflects that his work as saviour of all reality will never be done. The End.
The verdict? Ah it’s 50/50. It’s a step up from the worst one ever last time but it also follows on from that. There’s too much girrrruuuuullllll pppooowwweeerrrrr and Kung Fu. The fake sun is just a rerun of episode 16. The Warlord is an arsehole. Pitch darkness. It’s part 2 of a 2 parter and it shows. It’s padded out. It’s reusing ideas. It is lacking any new ideas. It is lacking pretty much anything really. Even Rommie didn’t help here, not least because she has now become a twin and is slaved to Andrea. That isn’t going to go away at this point.
So yeah throw it in the bad pile. See now why it took me a month to get back to all this?
Still at least it’s over. This just leaves the final two parter to finish things off. It’s a wonder I haven’t been finished off doing all this.
Oh yeah they did a Star Wars joke I forgot to mention when the twins were fighting the bad guys, so does that mean Star Wars was real in their universe? Is the Andromeda universe our future? How else do you explain it?
Well then to anyone who read ALL this I salute you. If I survive I will see you all at the finish line for the sixth and final part. If I don’t well, it was fate, destiny and a lack of freewill on my and this universes part.
To Be Concluded..........
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2020.09.16 19:59 Meda17Sepl Find Any Se-xta-pe Here in 1080p

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2020.09.10 19:19 yksuhder Hidden sex reality

⚠️ Long and Intense Post Alert ⚠️
This is a portion of my testimony as a Christian who fell away and was given over to darkness for a time.
Because of what I’ve experienced.. and this is only a fraction of it, I am even more determined to let the world know the truth of Jesus. I wrote most of this a few months ago, and I continue to come to terms with my story and God’s plan for my future.
This isn’t written as eloquently, as organized or as detailed as I would if I shared on an official platform, for now a post is a place to keep it documented. But if anyone is interested in this long personal note.. I want to warn others on the grave dangers of the depths of our sin and what can happen when one fails to walk by the Spirit. We are like sheep gone astray and must keep on the armor of God. I want people to know the magnitude of Christ’s sacrifice and mercy.
And thanks be to our Lord Jesus Christ, who defines all existence, who was present in glory, majesty, and love with the Father and Holy Spirit since the beginning of time.
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. Psalm 139:9-12
—————-
Last year, I entered a deep, dark, spiritual void. It began with a psychosis, which then transformed into profound derealization - which is the opposite end of that spectrum. If schizophrenia is overload of confusion, where’s there’s false “meanings” everywhere- even within a speck of dirt, derealization is as if there’s absolutely no meaning in anything: you feel you are so “sane” that it’s insane- you become cut off from humanity and life itself.
I will try my best to explain what happened and how God delivered me.
It started over a year ago. I was betrayed by a friend I was obsessing over. I suddenly realized they had been mistreating me the entire relationship. Even secular research shows betrayal can trigger psychosis and dissociation- especially when you had elevated that person highly in your mind. I sent this friend an email expressing what I’d discovered and requesting change and I was immediately rejected.
I was already in an abusive relationship prior to this.. and thought I finally overcame the pain after a few years. I thought this time I’d be safe, because we were both Christian. I couldn’t fathom it. So I decided to reject my vision of love, as maybe it’s merely a product of people’s psychology, issues and all, coming together like a chemical reaction.
Throughout life, I had often tried to avoid rejection. Now I thought, because I revealed my true self and standards, it happens. My worst fear became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was deeply ashamed. And I was determined for it to never happen again. I determined I would not be weak and used, to never care about anyone who treats me poorly. This was a same-sex idolatrous friendship, which was devolving into something more sinister. I can honestly say I had never been more angry in my life. It was a bizarre sensation, I felt so aggressive, ‘possessed’ even. I punched the furniture and things in my apartment. I felt like I was abused because of the very nature of who I am.
I believe the true root of what we deem mental illness is tied to inner shame and fear, sometimes originating from childhood when we are most vulnerable. There is indeed a neurobiological component, because God fashioned our brains in a specific way to function. The Bible commands we be careful with minds in vulnerable states: this is why meditation, psychedelics and other altered states are forbidden. A child’s mind is extremely open and vulnerable to influence. Sexual acts make the mind vulnerable as well. We are also susceptible to anything or anyone we elevate above God. When our natural states of relating are transgressed outside His domain by ourselves or others, it can sear us very strongly; the effects can be severe.
So I began to read a lot of material on power and how to get it. I made it my goal to take back control. It seemed ‘innocent’ enough at first. I perused information on personal development, “wisdom” to improve myself, to elevate myself to my best. I watched a lot of Jordan Peterson content, which always seemed helpful. I took his words very much to heart, diving much further into his more mystical ideas later on. It all ended up bringing me to dark places unawares. I barely realized how much I was reading and watching daily. Lots of various websites and e-books for hours and hours on end. I was reading and absorbing many of these ideas into my mind and heart for almost 2 months straight, each day in isolation due to my work situation. I was many miles away from people I knew well, alone with ample time, unconnected to a church, away from fellow believers. I reasoned I tried many different churches in that city that didn’t seem suitable and gave up. I just didn’t like being lonely, and would be moving soon again anyway.
I read everything I could on psychology- how to become stronger in the world, how to use this knowledge to my advantage. I decided to never be hurt again by another.
During those weeks, one day I suddenly noticed was very quickly pacing back and forth in my room and I didn’t even realize it. I felt like I was losing my mind. I remembering thinking I had more knowledge than most people currently do on Earth. After reading so much of this worldly literature, after consuming so many videos, filled with both humanistic and mystical doctrines.. I was beginning to believe I was somehow “One with God”. I can’t describe it well with words, but it felt as if I was ascending off of this planet and into another unknown realm.
My concept of God shifted like never before in my life as a Christian. I was almost ready to reject Christ as the son of God- the real Christ of the gospel, thankfully I never did. I was still very interested in the Bible, but it became twisted for me, even frightening. Everything was purely symbolic. I added to the word, and consequently terrible plagues were added to me, just as promised in Revelation. I sent emails to old friends about what I “discovered”- about God, love, different religious and philosophical concepts inspired by Carl Jung, psychoanalysis, Hinduism, Taoism, Buddhism, theosophy, the occult and more. Looking back now, after all I’ve unwound, it’s absolutely demonic and obviously wrong. I denounced every word I wrote.
At that time, I still knew I wasn’t doing well. I even considered getting an antipsychotic from an Urgent Care clinic. I was ‘downloading’ all these “answers” and worldly wisdom at an extremely fast rate. Against my will. As if I didn’t even need to read any more. In a way I was learning things I didn’t want to learn. I remember pacing the streets, madly bargaining with God- that I’d have to give up my life to become an extreme saint. But in reality, it was totally opposite. I was anything but that.
I became even more deceived and angry at the opposite sex, while also wanting to personally reject my own gender. I believed the opposite gender only cared about me for what have to offer them, but I could be ‘sure’ my own gender wouldn’t think this way. I willingly developed and fed into homosexual desires. It felt like a dark liberation. I still had alcohol and eating disorder and struggles. My feelings of rejection never left. I still looked very normal, acted well, very nice to everyone.. you wouldn’t know I carried this deep shame inside. I developed disturbing thoughts about people that fueled my fear and shame even more. Thoughts I didn’t think I was capable of having, yet compelled me. I tried to alter my identity and hated my personality so much. I liked the parts I considered strong, but particularly hated that I was “sweet” or “nice”, and was doing everything in my power to destroy that part of me. I hated it when people liked me for it too, as if they wanted me around because I’d be passive and fulfill their needs, be non-threatening, tell them what they want to hear, and make them feel good. Not that I would now mistreat people, but I wanted to become cold and logical to avoid this shame, even manipulative if I could.
In sum I confused my lack of boundaries and people-pleasing tendencies (protective mechanism based on fear I carried into relationships) for who I really am. Now I see I was trying to overcome evil with evil, without understanding it at all.
I’m in the medical field. Later that month, I did very well at a hospital I was working at. But soon it even became hard to focus on what people were saying; thoughts swirled powerfully and constantly seemed so intelligent, significant, and connected to all things. I even thought I had healing powers (I believed it was from God and I still was Christian at my core, but everything got mixed up) I tried to gently touch a patient with a neurodegenerative tremor on the shoulder to instantly heal her.. I believed I should try. I went out to lunch with one of the doctors and his wife I think that afternoon.. and little did they know I was struggling the entire lunch trying to stay engaged in their conversation because of the supernaturally invasive thoughts.
The ironic thing is, a medical student suffering from schizophrenia came into the office a few times that same month. Why now I wondered. Is this a message? The office ended up bringing security guards to the front desk for a week while he came around. He failed out of med school because of his psychotic break. He just wasn’t able to contain it like I was at the moment..
He came to give the doctor I worked for presents and “explain life” to us. He was traveling around the US for some reason now, lost, and getting into trouble. The doctor showed me detailed essays he wrote while mocking them, but I was terrified because I felt like I really “understood”. It was about the collective unconscious, detailed metaphysics with diagrams, duality / non-duality, and how everyone is connected to God, that he himself is God.. and though it sounded very complex (he was still a smart guy) it made “too much” sense to me. I was at my wits end because everyone around me scoffed it was nonsense- including the psychiatry and neurology staff of all people. So now, I’m secretly crazy. This field is so limited. Here I was, someone who seems to be excelling, but desperately holding onto my sanity. My very field of work, involving the mind and brain, that which I had studied for many years, was all at once coming undone.
The reason why mentally ill patients have similar delusions- that they are God, or Jesus, or some enlightened master connected to all things.. is not just an unfortunate trend. Though brain chemistry is involved, it’s all rooted in demonic deceptions. Humans are soul, body (brain), AND spirit.
I was writing out detailed “revelations”- such as the connection between immunologic mechanisms and social development. Hidden psychological meanings of the Bible and its connection to pagan mythology. I think of the movie “A Beautiful Mind” and the quote “there’s a fine line between madness and genius” which I think is true somewhat, since psychosis is akin to the creativity system on hyperdrive and overrun. But I also think of it as “a little yeast leavens the whole dough” as a lie will corrupt the rest of your thinking like a virus. I became enslaved to ruminating on the metaphysical meaning of snakes and various Satanic symbols like the ying/yang and caduceus. I know what it represents now, but it holds no power over me like it did back then. It was a curse every time I looked at them.
I thought of how Jesus was described in the Bible as the snake on the pole that Moses held up in the desert to save the Israelites from death. They had to look at the snake to be saved from the fiery serpents, because Jesus became sin for us. Back then, this idea became something I grappled with in intense fear. It got overwhelming studying it in depth through other false teachings.
On another day during that season, I cried for hours on end trying to make sense of things. I cried many times that year. I screamed out to God. Though I remember crying the hardest in my life that night while I sat in my car as it poured heavy rain. So lonely I thought. So lonely it’s a black hole inside. Nothing makes sense anymore. Not even my faith. I believed something was so wrong with me, and God didn’t rescue me from it. I don’t know why I had to face that sense of abandonment on such a profound level. Not only the initial betrayal, but imagining I’m somehow “defective” and deserving of it. Even God seemed to have departed from me completely. My flaws seemed insurmountable, it’s how I was born, like a rabbit is born prey- designed for abuse intrinsically to my nature.
Trying to solve it on my own lead me down a road of spirituality I should not have touched. I performed a dangerous Kundalini mediation- my hands raised above my head on their own, without me moving them. My body began to sway in a trance. The videos I watched told me “cleansing my chakras” would solve all my heart’s pain. I couldn’t reach God. My flesh was winning out. So instead, I foolishly gave myself over to powerful demons by dabbling with these things.
I was deceived so severely that I did a Tarot card, just once, and got Satan. Tarot is something I always knew to steer clear from, I was aware witchcraft is a serious evil. I believe it may have invited Satan himself.
I studied personalities to such a degree that it was damaging and borderline divination. I read complicated Satanic books about human behaviors and attraction. I read about many different mystical, supernatural curiosities. I tried channeling energy as spells. I was trying to get a grip on reality within my own flawed human reasoning.
I was starting to believe in my heart we are confined to be evil, like how a lion is born with fangs- meant to destroy. Nature documentaries about wolves for example, put me on edge. Not only because I could no longer watch movies the same way or be “immersed” in any activity, but all the questions were darts and arrows aimed at my very soul. Are we like them? Is it all a cycle of life and death? I struggled with human “sin nature” and how, and why we are born into it. I used to love psychology; I pursued the study of it alongside my career for almost a decade..and now it was disturbing. Philosophy? Even worse.
I had forgotten that as Christians we are meant to overcome the flesh nature.. it’s something I know too well now. A lot of people who get involved in New Age develop mental illness, and it’s no wonder. You are denying sin exists. It’s the lie of Eden. I couldn’t stop questioning. I lost my ability to distinguish good and evil because of all the teachings I was absorbing.
In a few more weeks after those initial months it continued on. I had to take a 9 hour exam with it all lingering heavy in the background. I gave up my gender resentment for the most part, and started dating again as I moved back to my main city. I wasn’t in a position to date, but felt “fine”; I wasn’t, it just simmered beneath the surface. I was still manic at the thought of relationships as well, and developed fast misconceptions about people. I was so scared. I wanted a way out. I was still believing strange things about God and having wild nightmares. Through it all, even as I describe these sins, I still had a heart for Jesus in the midst of this deception. I still wanted to date a Christian only. From this point, there is another part of this story, but God helped me out, and wove something good out of it. Within the turmoil God never left me completely.
I miraculously passed that exam, but failed another short one a week later, when I had always achieved A’s on them. Something was very wrong. I lost my passion for my career in medicine, which I thought had been my life’s calling. I felt robbed and distraught.
I started hearing voices. In my city, I was only trying to walk around and relax, but got bombarded by absolutely horrifying thoughts, as if demons and devils were speaking to me and I couldn’t escape it no matter what. I cried out in anguish. Yet I was still compelled to seek answers and read occult material, driven by an unquenchable thirst for answers. I wanted to understand the reality that was crumbling around me, but it only made it worse. I had vivid nightmares about weird creatures and dead scorpions and pentagrams falling all over me.
When I looked at faces, they no longer had souls. Everything became parts; there was no longer a “gestalt” or whole to things, including people. I didn’t know what was happening. I couldn’t “feel my identity”. I did a lot of research on what was happening, which didn’t seem to make anything better overall.
Thankfully God gave me a lot of help during this trial, but I essentially had to rebuild my faith from the bottom up! I never read so much of the Bible, or had prayed so much in my life. I filled multiple prayer journals over a few months.
I can remember still reading books, even Mere Christianity by CS Lewis, and feeling as if the words had deeper hidden meanings. I remember the transition point of books feeling like a scary, blurry, convoluted “message” to finally feeling like it was a normal author speaking to the reader.
I realize now it’s all because of the knowledge of human depravity. It is the root of all mental illness. God is NOT the author of confusion. His Spirit is peace!
One night I felt Satan himself speaking to me because I delved into all of these philosophies (combining all “truths” is called theosophy) to the very end of the road.. only to realize all worldly knowledge actually leads to Satanism- if you reject God. It’s the hidden secret of the powers of this world. Then, it felt like I was suddenly a total slave to God, and cursed to toil because I knew this was the only difference between good and evil. That evil is not a concept, it’s anything that isn’t obeying God. How we cannot uphold the law, it’s impossible because this is the difference. When it becomes head knowledge rather than simple living, you become a slave and receive the burden of falling from grace.
I no longer understood how to reconcile that. It was the most horrifying moment in my life, and it paralyzed me. I thought of Adam and Eve and how they must’ve felt when they were kicked out of the Garden.
As bad as that all already sounded, something even worse happened soon after. I developed Dissociation/Derealization and Complex PTSD. These are just more secular labels to describe a phenomenon.
In a way, it is the inverse of schizophrenia- confusion of meaning, to a complete lack of it to the utmost. It’s becoming the walking dead. It’s literally, physically perceiving reality as void of meaning experientially. Trying to explain it to someone who hasn’t been in it, is like explaining a new color to a blind person. It’s like looking up at a sunset, and seeing it as a purely empty hologram, as if you’ve seen beyond the veil and cannot come back. It doesn’t produce any emotional effect or appreciation in your brain whatsoever. Neither does anything else, not even remotely. There is only fear. It is indescribable, though I believe we all have been “hit” with this evil in life in varying degrees, since it’s fear and dissociation due to the knowledge of evil. It represents knowing sin, I experienced a taste of hell involving what separation from God may feel like. Even if you were thrown into the actual fire and stench and decay, feeling cut off from God for eternity is the worst part. Hell is not something to take lightly. We are worthy of it without Christ.
There are biological correlates in the brain to all of this as well; God is our creator and that is why we must follow in His ways- how we are each designed to live and think in righteousness.
Dissociation is losing the connection to love, which God is- it is what happened to Adam and Eve when evil separated them from Eden and the Tree of Life. Their eyes were opened to it. Some New Age people actually called trauma “enlightenment”, which to say is Satanic to the very core. This is why trauma sufferers struggle with meaning and spiritually. It’s why people coming back from gruesome war scenes, having had to brutally kill someone by force, or someone who’d been tortured, or abused by someone they trusted.. often come out of it messed up. They are dissociated. They can’t feel love. It is a taste of death, and it affects our body (brain) soul, and makes us poor in spirit.
How thankful are we to have our Lord Jesus to break the curse? Let us not take it for granted.
For many months I struggled deciphering good and evil to an extreme extent, “bound by the law” so to speak. Once I couldn’t even buy headphones, I had to call someone for help to talk out the decision. Why? One was the brand “skull candy”. I was so confused to whether buying them was a sin or not, including other simple things as such. It just had a tiny skull on it. It isn’t that I wanted to buy them, but I could not figure out the answer to this no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t leave the store until it clicked for me because none of it made sense.
I didn’t feel human anymore- looking at certain cartoon characters, wondering if something is evil or bad about all of their personalities (fearful, prideful, lustful, etc). Everything I looked at, died in a way. All I could see was corruption. I was hopeless.
Throughout all of this, I never gave up my faith. I thought of Job, far more righteous than I, and I fought it tooth and nail with the word. By God’s grace I wasn’t given over to these lies, but clinging to Him in this experience was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to endure. Worse than my worst heartbreak. I climbed the rocky mountain to Christ, weary and bruised to the bone, because I chose to trust Him even in the valley of the shadow of death. Not by my own strength, but His who equipped me with mercy. I read how God promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten when we turn and repent. When nothing else in all of existence could comfort me, only Jesus could. I grew closer to God even when I felt so far away. I grew to understand the word even more deeply than before, even through the pain.
During these months, I could function very normally, nobody would know if they didn’t speak about it with me. I still discerned the same way for obvious things against my values, but it was now I saw evil or corruption in everything.. I couldn’t tell how much was too much to turn away from and avoid hurt.
I very much struggled with episodic memory formation and recall, I spent time reading old journals and going through photo albums because I could not access my sense of self. Looking at old pictures almost supernaturally felt like looking at some other person.
I never chose to, rather, it was a pervading sense I could not escape. I asked, if people weren’t distinct with flaws, there would be no characters. What are personalities then? I kept wracking my brain. Questions like “Are sins part of our personality or not? Why do we entertain ourselves with it?” Nothing had meaning or love.
The neuroscience behind what was occurring was eye-opening as well, things like the vagal nerve model of trauma and dissociation, identity formation pathways, information on structural changes within the hippocampus, etc.. but overall, this only served to make me think in terms of creation over Creator. What saved me is my Lord, who designed me.
People I knew became more like robotic machines, driven by the cogs of biological psychology. A little Egyptian scarab on a album cover- a green alien keychain, crescent moon earrings, anything. It became off limits. This was on top of a plethora of other existential ponderings that won’t fit within this one testimony.
I had no freedom anymore. I’d always been a free, childlike spirit. I lost myself. I couldn’t enjoy anything because I only saw how everything is corrupted and detached from God in some way. I was out of Eden, out of human reality. Everything was boring and formless. It was no longer a natural way of living. I couldn’t even watch Disney’s Aladdin, not even the cartoon one, because I was afraid it contains too much evil. It was all passing away, profoundly meaningless.
I wasn’t working during that time, I was in school, but did not need to do much. After COVID, there were still yet months of feeling lost and wondering if my work ahead of me would drag me down even more. But God used work to help me too. Work is a saving grace and a true path to stability and purpose. Paul encourages us to “live quiet lives” and this is partially what is meant. We are to be upright and work diligently as if serving the Lord. Not human masters. We are created to do good works for others.
Even today, over a year later, I’m still am on the fringes of full recovery. My entire life flipped upside down. I am hopeful God uses what the enemy meant for evil, for good. I grappled and wrestled in this alternate hell so hard, day and night with many tears. It took me a long time and a ton of guidance and prayer and immersion in God’s word to unravel. I thank the Lord I had people praying for me. Thank God for my desire for His Son. Faith is a precious gift. Thank God I had a church. I still battled with holding on to others to uphold my sense of self and security, God is still working on me. The things I learned about God through this process.. I could spend the rest of my life talking on. But even if I could not, I’m just grateful for my salvation. He saved a wretch like me.
We all know God is there on some level. We either run from God and deny sin (flight response), which is hedonism and living for the self, or "fight" sin with good works, living for something outside yourself (an idol- usually other people, or a false conception of God/deity) which is legalism. Can you see how legalism and cults go together? Christianity represents a relationship built on love, while cults are religions based on idolatry and bondage. EVERY single belief system since the dawn of mankind falls into a spectrum of these 2 categories, except Christianity.
You're making an idol of yourself or something other than GOD the Father- and you reject the Father if you reject the Son. You can see it playing out in larger scale human political systems, such as how communism and fascism become similar at extremes- living for the individual vs. the collective. Idols of self or something other than Christ. Each are sins. It becomes two sides of the same coin.
Some intelligent, and often very kind-hearted people, who are wise in this world, try to spiritualize this problem by calling these two sides things like "truth and love", "justice and mercy" etc. They borrow God's laws of the universe to create a good life for themselves using wisdom, using their own human understanding. They may be right about many things, but there is a deep lie within if Jesus is removed from it. King Solomon in Ecclesiastes sought out all the wisdom he possibly could, and even then found that death overtakes us all the same, no matter HOW well you live on Earth. He turned to living for pleasure and happiness instead, but found it pointless as well. Even with wisdom and happiness- without Jesus, there is no way to God. He is the source of love.
I now know love is about giving freely to another, while walking in the Spirit, without needing anything in return. We are meant to be conformed into the image of God’s son. What a privilege and delight to know!
I remember that we can rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that perseverance produces character, and character, hope. It does not put us to shame.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
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