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2020.09.08 09:24 theBrawler777 When the answers were given

Hi there fellow trippers,
here's a trip story that id like to share with you. before that lets take a look at my backgrounds in using psychedelic drugs and etc. My first experiences with psychedelics were when I was 14 year old with salvia divinorum and at the age 15 with baby Hawaiian woodrose seeds, at the age of 18-20 used mainly mushrooms. My son was born when I was 20 years old, and I took the parenthood very seriously and stopped all my drug abuse, and I was full sober next 12 years, no medicine, no alcohol, no nicotine, just family life and sports.
I was 12 years sober, but in summer 2018 I started smoking weed, soon I started using coke and in 2019 I had a real problem with that. In the end of 2019 I took lsd, haven't used psychedelics in 13 years and it was a rough experience, I saw this back matter rising from the floor n being like a fountain from a ground to top, and I came a ware that he is the devil and he been walking aside me all my life, I was amazed and hypnotized and felt really good around this thing, he showed me two person in my life , two woman and showed me that we are all linked to him being evil.
I said to him, if u are there walking by side then why don't u give me everything I could do great things, then i asked two things from him, and it spread the the whole room full black and even turned lights out, the lights wouldn't go on even in the morning when The guy Who owned the house was tried to turn them on.
Afterthat I had a encounter with police and ended up in jail for a night.
once I get out, I thought, I'm at the lowest point of my life cos I had problems w coke and I decide I have to stop using it, lil by lil I got out of that, and I started working my life better, but instead of coke was using opioid based meds
in march 2020 I had when corona lockdown happened I lost a lot, I divorced from difficult person, lost a lot in material things,i lost all my business (im a enetepreuner in sports and construction) because of corona and I felt like shit n was also sick all the time.
My dear friend then started to tell me about microdosing and I started to look more on that subject, didn' do the microdonginf of lad but me n my friend started use acid at weekends and I stopped all other drug abuse, I was real happy cos of that, never wouldn't thought lsd would get me rid of opioids that fast!
Lsd brought mysticism and this higher self awareness to me and I started to get really interested about shamanism, herbal medicine, old mythhology, I started to feel like I have lil special powers cos of acid, it helped me see thru people easily and receive and give energy, it presented to me as a real powerful energy and I attract people a lot on that and it even may seem that it made things happen, something always happened when I had 250 micro of acid. I felt powerful and I didn't lack nothing even tho I had a lost really a lot in material things, but I didn't care cos materia wasn't anymore my interest, I felt that I have become the higher awareness of my self a lot, and I was woke.
I got real interested on dmt I watched documentaries and saw this thing real approved by a real smart people and it was popularised.
Not anyone of my friends ever tryed it, so I didn't have any info from the user perspective, and expected this visions of god experience. So the first time I smoked it was something like 10-15mg and I felt evil precense, an intuition tells you if u aware of things that are they good or bad, felt it was devils thing and I looked in the mirror I saw myself real powerful and it cave me teaching that we humans are really the gods we have the power but w don't know that.
it took a while till I smoked it again, I felt that experience was good and made me even more powerful. the second time I took dmt, put 300mg on the base and experienced something real strange, it showed me looking in the mirror in the first time when I used it, there there came reflection 10 mirrors me in everyone of them, and a sign, don't speak, I knew I wasn't supposed to tell about my experinces, I felt like I cracked some simulation cos there was manga style font used in texts that I saw and a lot of things that I felt were asians. the teaching from that were:do not speak about this and asian religious were right.
second time I smoked, put again 300mg this time it showed me first the the visions that I had in my first and second time using dmt, and them it showed me a new vision, the vision showed a a civilization from space another city, it showed me codes and a lot of something that seems away ahead of our technology, the colors they use are red, green,black and they linked to mayans or the sum other natives of America. Its like diapictures shown to me and when I see these I m in a dmt, sleep. the more vivid the visions came I get more hypnotised to them, at the point when they showed a image of this spiral kind a thing made of something organic, and they use this sound that attract you like mystery whispers and breaths of seirens. At that point I usually notice that I don't breath n the more I don't breath more vivid the pics come, I tested it in a sleep and pulled myself out from that, and when I rose from the sleep , I don't feel any need to breath, my heartbeat won't rase I breath deep and I know its the breath of death, its yoga breath I think, don't know even how to do it sober, n then I see the visions open ayes, mystic looking writings in a large stones mayan style. it tought that its been only 5 mins since I took the hit and during the 5 mins I think I took maybe 5 long breaths, when the visions were gone, I looked the clock 30min had passed!!!!That was the first time I started to think that this thing has evil attentions…
i didn't smoke for a while, and one morning I woke up and used the same bong where I had smoked dmt and it had this big tinfoil base, the base was kind a dirty even tho it was empty I didn't expect it to have any dmt in there, I took the hit and everything in my room chanced, it became futuristic, my room is always messy, but now it was neutral and calm and the window was constructed different, it was like the decoration of future, was amazed I was like this is cool but then I noticed I don't breath, and I started to do the yoga breath again, my girl was on the bed and was like "Teemu what the fuck?"
i had kept all my psychedelic use hidden from her , and I was about to get busted if I don't have n explanation, the whole time I breathed the yoga breath and felt like a different being n said "oh nothings wrong feeling real dizzy and I love you" and started to cuddle with her to make her happy, then like a similar view that predator has in a movie predator they like scanned my GF and I saw these unknown text in her and a sign of a black skull appears in her forehead, my girl knew I see something, and I was like all good baby just look deep into my eyes, I thought they helped me cos this girl was real mess and kinda evil, that they showed that to me, asked my girl to look deeply in my eyes and I kind a like prayed them to take the evil outta her, then we fucked like in a really strange position and they even scanned her pussy like there were this arrows n litle text if her clit n stuff.
After that I had a feeling that they were tryna help me, but somehow I knew by them colors and symbols that they are a race that goes a lot battles, and was really into some warware.
After that I didn't smoke for a while cos it kind messed me, I didn't know what to think about my girl, I knew she was bad and did a lot shit to me, is she, I couldn't be sure, cos I knew evil wants all love destroyed, but that girl wants no good for me anyway she caused a lot of shit to me.
Week later i tough her how to strangle safe during sex, and ended up allmost beig killed cos she strangeled me till my ears popped and I woke, n she knew exacly what she was doing. I smoked dmt like 3 weeks after that and this time I took dmt sleep, they showed me, you know like they say your life runs infront of your eyes when u die, but instead of that they show my previous dmt trips starting from a beginning, then comes the images of a humanoid in parallel universe doing what I do, putting things a way from hands and going for a dmt sleep, then they show me futuristic cityes , their race and something about their army, they have the colors of war Maya/Inca style, the same colors nature use in animals green, red, black to scare predators away, vision ending up again in flesh spiral and sounds, n me not breathing, and the fact were I start to pay attention that do I breath is that there is some nice looking entity always looking me like "hey im gonna just sit here and watch you do a mistake" I detect hesistaion and a lie easily even from a entity, and the fact that they being so advanced, so why they pay so much attension to me.
still I thought that was a good trip, and to tell im always really happy after smoking dmt and feel so fresh and religious like I have been touched something real holy
Another 3 or 4 weeks passed an d I thought, that I want have breakthrough experience, this time I had dmt in Chrystal form and iv put about 75mg in a pipe, from that pipe I took the a hit like never before, I kept sucking the pipe soo long I could see reality starting ti shatter I just continued and continued and I think there was some left in there when I stopped and went to ground for a sleep.
I was in a forest and I laid my head on a small rock, but the sound when my head softly hit the rock was like I had smashed my head real strong in there, and I also heard this another crack in my skull in side of my forehead, this Time again came the previous visions and when I saw the fleshspinal, I didn't woke up so fast and I felt like someones entering without my permission, I had to use all my forces to get up, I got up and everything was diffrent, misty red, green and purple colors from a ground, I wasn't sure where I a live, I needed to breath, I started breath again deeply, even tho I didnt feel any need to breath but this time I knew just the breathng won't help mi got to pray cos I wasn't sure how long I had been on a ground, I started to pray and closed my eyes they pulled me back to sleep, without me even noticing that, I was like shit I need to move that I sure im alive , started moving and telling that im human and thinking everything about humanity and that no one else don't have right to enter my mind, i felt like shit n took the camera out and thru that I saw shallow forms behind me and me looking possessed, ill put the pics here in a comment section. I left the forest and thought I was lucky to survive.
After that, I didn't want to smoke dmt until I would known is it safe, my mentors said to me that you have to die in there and I would break thru after that, I believed them and didn't feel there's any problem on this subject, cos iv read similiar toughs a lot lets say in this group also.
So another two weeks went by and was really curious to drink an ayahuasc potion I had, but I wasn't sure of doing that, but it was a lot on my mind, I was anxious and tried to get some lsd but didn't get none in a week, I felt like u shouldn't be this addict when u do psychedelics, but I couldn't help myself with the need of these mystic experinces, was hooked on finding the thruth of them, and the existence of human and everything hidden.
I was scared to drink the ayahuasca alone, and the more I duck info about it I came to know that it has to be used traditional and in the supervising of a shaman, I begun to understand that this is a holy plant and potion, and this is where almighty dmt came, and I need threat this subject with honor and respect, after all it was vine of gods
So now I was real eager to have psychedelic experience, tried to get lsd didn’t get any even tho I tried for a week, but there were non and all the blackmarket stuff here were fake.
So i bought mushrooms, I ate 7 grams of some amazon mushrooms, after my last dmt trip where I could pull my self of the breakthrough experience my mind was real strong cos by reminding that im a human and im a physical being im stronger than anyspirit, I ate em and everything turned into dmt realm, but was sick n tired of that world and I didn’t pay any attention on the to the visions and hallucinations I, knew that they were not definitely anything to do with god or the highest or even with my own mind
I felt tired my family was at home and I tryed to sleep, but when I closed my eyes I heard this beep sounds like someone tryna send a code by morsing, my babymomma and daughter went shopping and i stayed home
I didnt care about shit anymore about of these mystic thing, I knew we aint in a gates to revelation with these things I said to my self, these are just a drugs nothing to do with gods, the sacred ayahuasca can go down from a toiled it came from a culture of human sacrifices so nothing sacred about it, so down toilet I flush the Ayahusca, down the toilet went also ”spirit molecule” right were it belongs, the mushrooms couldn’t affect me anymore I was able to shut down their will cos im stronger than them.
I felt a sudden need of giving pray, I prayed shortly, and I notice from my dog that it sensed something like he was watching someone and was affraid, then I knew I was dealing with lowest coward of them all, the devil and I must tell you that im not from a christian family or ever belonged to church, but I always knew good guys are gods guys, n u can still be sort of a gangsta,
I said oh you don’t like prayers and well now you going to listen them, u tried to take a good man with your potions and geometric pics and illusions, now you gonna listen gods words, I took the remote control and I don’t know any ministers or their prayers, but I tried to write on a search field ”good sermon”
Gues what happened as I was tryna wright those letters? someone tried to erase them, I keep telling no no no now you going to listen this , you piece of shit coward after a hard try I managed to write ”good sermon” and I put the first video what came, it was from evangelist Eero Pynnönen and it was called ”the lost vision”
I put that video on, and emediatly felt precense of good in the house I sat in front of tv put my hands on prayer and felt peace, god spoke thru Eero Pynnönen and told me that humans are in the edge of a total loss, people had forgot god and don’t believe in nothing, he said that even to believers try their best people are not interest on saving them selves and we must now find a way to tell people the truth before its too late.
Then he looked me and informed everyone who was with him on a video (the video was shot in a church and there were audience), and he looked me in the eyes and said I see we have new member, lets hear your hurrays, I was so happy and I wawed and smiled and right then I knew why people of christian god and Jesus are so happy and positive, I knew devil was still there and I wanted to put the volume maximum and I had a battle with the devil he tried to put it lower but I won that battle and opened a door and said now you going to away from this house , then I paid attentsion what god spoke, and he said at that point ”that I won’t do yeat” I understood that it had something to do with me being part of that process how we get devil outta of the house, I wanted to demonstrate more disrespect towards devil by breaking the ayahusca and I yelled down you go to toilet you peace of shit, but then I thought, I have to teach this thing love and I told following:
”me im a good person by my nature, every man is born good intension, god has created us to be loving creatures, and im really a perfect example of that, I think im a gangsta but actually I get used a lot cos im nice and good by my true nature, and if someone hurts me I don’t even get mad I just cant, pretend that im mad cos that’s how the world rolls, we are not performing in our true nature. I actually love every people and that is Teemu is by his true nature, and that is the true nature of every people”
At this point I wasn’t in front of tv and now that I wasn’t in front of tv devil shouted thru tv tried to tell something about my childhood but it didn’t affect me so he just cursed and stuff, last time I went in front of tv the Reverant said that I must become and evangelist and praise god and Jesus, satan was real strong and he had gone over tv twisting the evangelist face , I prayed and told god now satan is real strong he twistes you in tv.
I knew devil hates when someone shouts out loud that he is man of god and Jesus and I decided to run outside and yell to whole neighborhood who is in charge now and who do I follow, I run outside and tore my shirt away and yelled as loud as I can that ”i believe in the father I heaven and his son, there I no other god than him”
After that I felt in my body that satan tryna kill me, my ears popped and I could hear the crushes on my skull and tingling in my feet cos blood had started to freeze, I raised my hands to prayer and yelled as loud as I can ”Father in heavens plz hear me satan is tryna kill me on my sleep please help me lord”
and I then I felt God helped me didn’t feel dying anymore, but the attack got worse and they were real powerfull, I prayed and yelled god to save me, but still I felt in my body that im being killed after I realized that I might have done a lot of shit in my life, and maybe god don’t help me because of that, I took my hands of the prayer and said, ”but if you don’t help me, then I deserve my destiny, cos I have to pay from my crimes, at this point I could tell I was in hell, after saying that I felt relief and came to conclusion that this is prices of some sort of karma, and I have to admit my sins after every time admiting, my dog came to me she saw these whole thing and when we were inside and in front of tv she was next to me, but outside when devil attacked she was away, but each time admitted my sins and said that I have pay with death from my crimes, my dog came to me and I tough it was sign that now iv made the right thing, but I noticed that even tho it felt right and fro a moment I felt like im not under attack, the attack begun again, then I knew devil was using the dog..this happened so many time sthat I noticed that devil wants take my hands from prayer, cos each time I yelled and felt god won’t listen me and made confession of sins and accepted death I have took my hands out of payer ,then it became I real bad fight once I notice that id be gone if he can take my hands, outta prayer then satan started to do tricks shown me my loved ones and went to hug them (hands outta prayer) and went to satans trick 10 times he putted the pressure on my body and tried to kill me each time I prayed hands crossed and up to the sky, after admitting sins and accepting my destinyt, if hands were together he send hallucinations of my loved ones to comfort and hug me and many times I went to that and took my hands outta prayer, he almost had them…but I kept telling god what happened and yelled him help me
Cos I don’t know bible I didn’t know I have to ask Jesus christ, no one can touch if you confess and pray for Jesus Christ, and none of human don’t have to pay fro a crimes, that is never-ending darkness the punishing, the price of our sins is already paid and no human don’t ever have to pay it again.
So this really happened in a good neighborhood and ofc cops came cos people saw me whitout a shirt rolling in ground protecting my hands on a prayer, the moment cops came I felt that devil send them to break my hands, the cops used jiujitsu to break my hands and legs cos I wasn’t going to surrender cos they didn’t know I was batling w devil. I had my hands In their hold a two strong police man, then I yelled to god to give powers to break free, that he didn’t do but I knew that I would have demand it real strong and I f I do it in a name of god, my hands will be freed, I demanded with all power god given to me ”relise my hands immediately I command you in a name of god, and gues what happened? They let me put my hands together, then put chains on my hand and to the legs, but hands stayed in the payer till we got to the hospital, even the ride there I batled satan I told god in which finger devil was now on, but I could feel he losing his power, still it took a while for me to trust that im at hospital, cos devil can control anything you see and even people. The doctors and stuff were afraid of me and I was tied, but when they interviewed me I could see they were surprised I was full rational, and just told that im sorry that I caused a mess, but I came to the christian faith and devil didn’t like it. Im fine now, there were 10 guards when they took me off and I told they don’t have to be afraid that I know this looks bad, but im one of the good guys and they don’t have to worry, I was one night at hospital, psychiatric interviewed me next morning and off to home I went.
When I got home, googled the Evangelist Eero Pynnönen, the tiers started to fall from my eyes when i noticed that he had been in a same orphanage than my father and godfather a long time a go.
This happened two days ago, but I don’t have to worry ever a again in my life, cos now I know where devil lurks he lurks in every negative action, and especially im safe cos I know Jesus got me.

(originally written 06.09.2020)
submitted by theBrawler777 to DMT [link] [comments]


2020.08.23 01:00 Training_Basis Asian hidden toilet

Things not to do in Singapore. I write on behalf of all Singaporeans who have had to put up with these things.

  1. Do not forget to wash everyday and change your clothes, esp. your shirt and socks. Please shower everyday. You might even need to take a shower three times a day if you have been spending a lot of time outdoors. Its very hot and humid in tropical Singapore. You will sweat profusely if you are outdoors. If you do not wash, you will stink and people will avoid you like the plague. Do not forget to drink water.
  2. Do not attempt to hide your foul body odour with cologne, perfume etc.. No matter how expensive it is, it will make you stink more. Adding more won’t help!!!! Take a good shower with soap everyday please. If necessary, twice.
  3. Do not stand in the street under the hot sun for long periods, especially if you have just arrived from Northern Europe. You risk getting heat stroke. The heat together with tropical humidity and the concrete urban environment is an awful combination. The average temperature in Singapore is 30C (86F). For the same reason do not leave your kids or dogs in the car!!! Singapore has a lot of air-condition shopping malls, MRT stations, etc.. please take every opportunity to use them or stand in the shade. Also bring a small bottle of water to drink. The tap water here in most areas is safe to drink. Consider using an umbrella walking in the hot sun. The umbrella will also be invaluable if you get caught in a tropical rain downpour.
  4. Do not walk into someone’s private home with your shoes on. It is unhygienic and extremely disrespectful. Please wear clean socks and please wash and clean your feet daily. The humidity in Singapore causes bad body odor if you don’t wash.
  5. Do not talk loudly on the bus, train or in enclosed public spaces, and definitely do not play loud music on your phone speaker. Its a vulgar and rude thing to do in public places such as train carriages or buses. No one wants to hear your conversation or your loud music, esp. the modern kind. Please try and be considerate to the strangers around you.
  6. Do not drink, eat, smoke on buses, trains, and all public transportation. And if you are carrying the food with you on the bus or train, please try and keep the food hidden and not exposed. Do not carry the Durian fruit in public places either, it stinks up the place (Recently in Australia, it caused an emergency situation in an Australian University; the Emergency service team was even called in to investigate the “toxic gas”. A hazmat team was deployed to remove the odious smelling fruit.)
  7. Don’t smile at strangers, even neighbors, unless first introduced. When I first returned to Singapore after living in Melbourne for a few years, I was living in a small private apartment block. When I smiled and greeted my neighbors as I did in Melbourne and they thought I was crazy. One of them even stood with his mouth open and stared at me til I closed my front door. However if you are European, Caucasian, Singaporeans may treat you differently and smile back because they may realize your customs are different. But if you are Asian, you risk being openly rebuked.
  8. Do not stage a public protest. If you wish to complain about the death penalty for drug smuggling, cutting of beautiful tropical trees or the destruction of Bukit Brown or bird sanctuaries like Biddari park to make way for more generic shopping malls, do not chain yourself to the tree or stage a public protest on the street. It only gets you a one way trip to the jail. Singapore highly prizes social harmony and cannot tolerate public expressions of dissent. Write an open letter to the relevant public department or popular websites. The government does pay attention to such forms of complaints.
  9. Do not bring illegal drugs into Singapore even marijuana. If you have consumed illegal drugs before you enter Singapore wait until you have detox before entering the country because having illegal drugs in your blood stream is a crime. Singapore is very strict on drugs. We hang drug smugglers. On the plus side, our streets are safe and women and children can walk home safely at night.
  10. Do not get drunk in public. Its much too hot to drink anyhow. Being drunken and disorderly is not a common sight here in Singapore. Do not get drunk, beat up our citizens and riot. There are now laws that ban the consumption of alcohol in public places after a certain time at night. Singapore is a safe country, we like it this way.
  11. Do not litter, spit or defecate in public. Singapore places great emphasis on hygiene. At one point we even fined people who did not flush public toilets. The government even fitted sensors in lifts to catch idiots who pee in them. Offenders get a good beating. Being drunk is no excuse.
  12. Do not come unprepared for tropical ailments. One word of caution. You should bring the necessary medication to prevent indigestion or food poisoning as the bacteria in a tropical country will be different from a temperate climate. If you also eat too much of a different food/fruit there is no telling how your body will react. So eat with moderation on the first few days of arrival otherwise you might get a stomach ailments before you acclimatize. This does not apply if you are living in the region and have already acclimatized.
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2020.08.09 22:45 welcometosouthapp Welcome to South App #2: "Campus 5-0"

Welcome to South App #2: https://preview.redd.it/yjkwcmvc22g51.jpg?width=2365&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1aeb599b9653585277e9c705c7d6a935c1a144da
Sunday, August 9th, 2020
“Hall check! Wake yo' dumb asses up.”
Winston wiped the grit out of his eyes and checked his phone. 6 AM. He sucked last night’s Cheeto dust off his fingers and ripped a violent fart, causing Tai to spring up from his bed.
“What was that?!” Tai piped up. “And...what’s that smell?”
“Armadillos,” said Winston, lighting a cig. “Liberal town stinks of ‘em.”
Somebody pounded the hell out of the door. “Winston! Tai! I said hall check!”
“Fuuuck,” Winston slurred, hopping off the top bunk. He smacked his head on the way down, landed on his ankle, and dropped his cigarette.
“And that would be the new R.A.,” Tai sighed, shuffling to his feet. “Voice sounds kinda familiar. Welp, our shenanigans were fun while they lasted.”
They emerged into the bright hallway in pajamas. And to their surprise, every student stood next to their door at attention. Some were swearing. Others were sweating. And strangely, there was no R.A. in sight.
“What the hell’s going on here?” Winston muttered.
“Dude, get to attention before he comes back!” hissed Connor: a lanky, nerdy guy with a bowl cut and glasses.
“Is this some kind of joke?” asked Tai. “Somebody must be playing a prank on us or-"
Suddenly clothes, shoes, snacks, beer bottles, and a sex doll flew out of the room at the end of the hall. “Jackpot!” bellowed a voice from inside. “That’s a fuckin’ minor-in-possession charge right there!”
Then, it occurred to Winston: that voice was familiar. Suddenly, his taser mark burned like Spidey Sense. Winston jogged between rows of trembling students, ignoring the suffering cries of “Don’t do it!” and “He’s bigger than you!” In the doorway, Winston saw him: Lionell the bus driver. He sat with his back turned in a swivel chair, browsing his hallmate’s laptop. He appeared to be making himself right at home, his combat boots crossed on top of the desk.
“Looks like the simps in this room are fond of big-titty goth bitches!” he yelled out, scrolling through the browser history of 4K porn.
Winston took a deep breath. “Hey, uh...Mister Lionell?”
Lionell swiveled around to face him. His eyebrows furrowed like two lightning bolts beneath his freshly-waxed head. “Ah, Winston Panty-Pissin’ Beavers. Care to tell me why the fuck you ain’t in formation?”
Winston would rather swallow his own vomit than his pride. “Uh, yes sir. First of all, I wanna apologize for the way I acted on the bus. I was a bonafide douchebag. But I also wanted to ask: can I please get my gun back? My dad gave it to me, and-”
Lionell shot to his feet. He marched over to Winston like a true Marine. Slowly, he reached into his BDU pocket and withdrew the Colt Single-Action Army, cradling it in his calloused hands like Oliver Twist asking for porridge.
“Is, uh…this whatchu want, Mister Beavers?” Lionell mocked in a high-pitched voice.
“Yeah, man!” Winston chuckled nervously. “I’d mighty appreciate it.”
“Go on then!” Lionell snapped. “Take it. But if you do, I’m gonna charge yo’ ass with discharging a firearm near a public highway, destruction of private property, and attempted hijacking of a motor vehicle! And Lionell’s my government name. It’s Deputy Hardy to you.”
Lionell snatched Winston’s hand and placed the gun inside it. The warm muzzle fit his hand perfectly - exactly why his dad had chosen it for him. And it pained Winston that much more to hand the Colt back to Lionell. Winston had reluctantly made up his mind.
“That’s what I fucking thought,” Lionell sneered. “You’re a pussy, and daddy would be ashamed." Lionell pocketed the gun and marched out of the room, down the hall of petrified students. “Ya know, I’d say daddy shoulda left yo’ ass on a tissue. Then again, why waste a perfectly good tissue, ya dig?”
Lionell reached Room 309 and stepped inside.
“We gotta do something about this son of a bitch,” whispered Tai, as a seething Winston came to attention next to his room.
“Dude, there’s not shit we can do except comply,” whispered Connor, shaking his head. “Most of us have shit in our room way worse than alcohol." Connor pressed his finger against his nostril and pretended to snort cocaine. “Look, the way I see it: we just gotta let the R.A. do his thing. Let’s face it: we’re Lionell’s bitch.”
Holy fucking shit!” Lionell cheered. “I gots me some goodies in this room.” He walked out with a bag of Winston’s hand-cut tobacco, a jar of moonshine, and a few boxes of .45 ammo. But Winston’s anger paled in comparison to the sheer horror on Tai’s face. Under Lionell’s arm was a binder with big, bold letters reading HAWT BOOK. Tai’s eyeballs nearly popped out of his skull.
“He cannot...read...that book!” Tai whispered, gripping Winston’s shoulder.
“Sheesh, dude,” Winston said with a shrug. “Quit your bitchin’. He done took my Alabama moonshine. A few inbreds died making that batch.”
“Mine’s worse, roomie,” Tai’s voice cracked. “Much worse.”
***
Four floors up, Gigi opened her eyes to the sun in her face. She stared up at the ceiling, a visible heatwave cooking the room. One of these days, the paint would melt off the ceiling and coat her entire body while she slept.
Like Winston, Gigi was a member of the Top Bunk Club. And she too had rolled off the bunk and twisted her ankle more than once. On this day she sat up too quickly, feeling a rush of hard cider to the head. She felt herself tumbling down, down, down - landing squarely on the bean bag chair below.
The room spun above her head, her heart pounding in her throat. She slumped over, crawling across the soft, white shag carpet. Gripping the towel rack, she pulled her body up, bent over the sink, and threw up. She flopped onto the cold tile floor, smiling as the nausea left her body.
Somebody gently tapped on her door.
“Sarah?” Gigi called out, her voice hoarse and dry. “Um...can you grab me a Sprite?”
“Oooh, my-a Gigi!” called out an Asian lady. It was Kim Moon: Gigi’s mom. “How are you? Did you have much drink? I cannot wait hear everything!”
Gigi lay in a fetal position, covering her mouth. “M-mom?!”
“Yes, my-a Gigi!” replied Kim. “Please open door for hall check. I am your new R.A!”
Gigi projectile vomited on the shag rug.
Minutes later, Kim was on her knees scrubbing the rug while Gigi sat on the futon. Kim had raided Gigi’s cabinet for rubber gloves, bleach, and an old towel. She aggressively scrubbed the carpet until that one spot was much cleaner than the rest of it.
“Like I always tell-a you,” Kim said, looking up. “Cleanliness next to godliness." She smiled, displaying a row of pale yellow teeth. Her black, thinning hair draped down the back of her neck. She was even shorter than her daughter.
“Um...yep!” Gigi laughed nervously. She sipped a Sprite, pulling her knees to her chest. “So...what exactly is going on?”
“My-a Gigi,” Kim cooed, cradling her daughter’s face in her gloved hands. “My heart-a broke when you leave. I cry and cry, then I finally close up shop be with you!”
Back in suburban Atlanta, Kim ran a small farmer’s market out of a shed on her property. Gigi spent her adolescent and teenage years harvesting vegetables and selling them in exchange for a weekly allowance. Kim always swore that Gigi (or possibly her bratty little sister, Catherine) would someday inherit the house and family business.
“Why-a don’t we start our hall check? I bake-a cookies for all you ladies while we tell story of baby Gigi!”
***
Tai and Winston stood at attention, while Lionell paced the hallway with Tai’s HAWT BOOK in hand.
“I told y’all motherfuckers I done struck gold!” Lionell bellowed.
As Lionell approached, the students’ faces burned red. Lionell stopped in front of the room across the hall. “Now what’s...yo name?”
“C-C-Connor,” said the bowl-cut kid.
“Ah, mah’fuckin’ Connor! That right there’s a hwhite boy name." Lionell flipped through the binder. And while the other students stared in horror, Winston was the only one fighting to hold back a laugh.
“Ah, Connor in Room 308!” Lionell read from the binder. “Pros: tight ass; confirmed six-pack. Cons: probably not bi-curious; probably a top. Overall rating: 7/10.”
Winston exploded into laughter. “Damn, Connor, you’re tied with Fat Will!" William, the chunky neckbeard down the hall, gave a hesitant thumbs-up. In Tai’s binder, Will had also scored a 7/10 for having a size-13 shoe size and being a sloppy eater.
“I ain’t done yet, funny boy!” Lionell yelled in Winston’s face. “I done saved the best for last. The mah-fuckin’ creme-de-la-creme. Wiiinston Beavers!”
“Ha!” Winston interrupted, pointing at the 3/10 Leftward-Sloping-Penis-Rick down the hall. “That means you’re officially in last place, bitch!”
Earlier, Tai had been sweating bullets. But after having his deepest, darkest secrets broadcasted so theatrically, his expression was dull and lifeless.
Winston Beavers: my temporary college roommate,” Lionell read. “Cons: leaves his dirty boots on the carpet, doesn’t wash his sheets, doesn’t wash his scrotum, drinks milk from the carton, everything he touches turns into Cheeto dust, and the room smells like dead armadillos when he’s around.”
Winston stopped laughing.
Pros: good snacks,” Lionell sneered. “Final score: 0.5 out of 10.”
“This is horse shit!” Winston yelled, punching the wall. He stomped down the hall of cringing students. Tai trailed behind while the thunderous laughter of Deputy Hardy faded behind them.
“Wait, hold up!” Tai called out in the stairwell. “Just let me explain."
“Ain’t nothin’ to explain!” Winston shot back. “Apparently, I’m a temporary roommate. So I ain’t gonna show my armadillo ass around Firewater much longer.”
“Okay man, I admit it,” Tai said, throwing his hands up. “I’m not sorry for writing that, but I am sorry you had to hear it. Besides! It’s not like it’s something that can’t be fixed. I have a wide array of hygiene products that’ll help with at least a quarter of the things on that list!”
Winston scoffed like a wild hog. But his expression softened as he mulled it over. “You got any of that...sandalwood cologne?”
“Hell yes I do!” said Tai, perking up. “I’ve got creams, lotions, salves, colognes - you name it! Roomie, allow me to become your personal fabulous assistant! Why, I’ll have you looking spiffy for Miss Claire Dansby in no time.”
“Now you’re talking my language,” Winston said, shaking on it. “Deal.”
They entered the 700 Hall to the sound of giddy laughter. The ladies gathered around the petite Miss Kim, who sat in a stool in the middle of the hallway. Like Kindergarteners, they watched earnestly while the woman held a photo album.
“And dis one,” Kim squeaked, pointing at one of the photos, “is my-a Gigi during first birthday. She eat-a cake, and eat, and eat. She get very, very fat! And you no notice now, because she smaaall as Oompa Loompa now.”
The women howled with laughter while Gigi sat slumped against the wall, wishing she would melt into it.
“And how-a can we-a forget!” Kim gasped. “Dis one is my-a Gigi dressed-a like Neenja Turtle. She has-a Neenja Turtle jammies, Neenja Turtle bedsheets, and even-a Neenja Turtle potty!”
“Sorry Ma’am, we gotta go!” announced Winston, grabbing Gigi’s hand. “Sunday brunch is about to start.”
“Oh!” cried Kim. “Why, hello! Handsome gentlemen stay for my-a cookies?”
But the three freshmen were already out the door.
***
The Chubby Beaver Cafe rewarded Sunday brunch to hungover early birds on campus. A full spread of “Beaverific” entrees: bourbon maple chicken and waffles, crepes stuffed with fresh fruit puree, and virgin screwdrivers (i.e. BYOB). The main attraction: a giant hand-carved ice beaver statue.
But the distraught Winston, Gigi, and Tai were sickened by the thought of fine dining. Instead, they drowned their sorrow in a mile-high stack of bacon on a plate. While they silently munched on sadness and grease, Sarah swept by with a crepe and a screwdriver. She plopped down in the seat next to Winston.
“Helllo, lovelies!” she greeted. Unlike the other three pajama slobs, she wore a long, purple skirt and newly-braided dreadlocks. Sarah was rushing a week early, having spent the night stargazing with a co-ed hippie fraternity.
“What’s with the plate of animal carcasses, bro?” Sarah asked, sipping her drink. “Does a pig have to die for you to live?”
“Fuck it, I’m full,” growled Winston, pushing his plate across the table. Tai and Gigi turned away like dogs refusing to eat.
“Geez, who rained on your parade?” Sarah asked, cracking open a shot bottle of vodka and discretely pouring it into her orange juice.
Winston pointed at the entrance. “See for yourself.”
The freshmen watched a group of men and women stroll into the cafe, dressed in their Sunday-best attire of black tailored suits and dresses. And yet, in context, it seemed like they were marching to a funeral.
“Wait,” Sarah whispered. “That’s the-"
“Campus 5-0,” Winston finished. He stood on top of his chair. “Code red!”
Immediately, every student scrambled to hide their weed, mini liquor bottles, and pain pills. Several students pulled their hands out of their girlfriends’ panties. And the conversation shifted from scoring molly to scoring into the South App Honors Program.
“Wait, that’s the bus driver, right?” Sarah asked, pointing out the freshly-waxed bald head in the crowd. “God, tell me he’s not your R.A!”
“He is, oh God he is!” Tai moaned dramatically. He grabbed a handful of bacon, stuffed it into his mouth, and crawled under the table.
Lionell reached into his pocket and made his hand into the shape of a gun. He aimed it at Winston, shut his left eye, and "fired." Winston didn’t so much as move a muscle while Lionell blew on his hand, placed the “gun” in his pocket, and got in line for waffles.
“Um...I’ve got it worse - tenfold!” Gigi laughed nervously. On cue, Momma Moon approached their table wearing a long, black dress.
“O-a, my-a Gigi and friends!” Kim greeted, folding her hands in front of her waist. “When you-a leave, I unlock your-a door and do all your laundry!”
“What?!” Gigi choked. “You have a key to my room?”
“My dear-a, I need keep an eye on you as your R.A! I not go anywhere! I need make sure you safe and clean. All your thong-a, and even your granny panty.”
With that, Gigi grabbed a handful of bacon, stuffed it into her mouth, and slipped under the table to join Tai.
And now only the two siblings remained. Kim reached over and stroked Winston’s beard. “It’s-a been long time since my-a Gigi have strong American friend take-a care of her. You make sure she-a be good girl while she get teeth degree.”
“Uh, sure thing ma’am,” Winston replied while Kim gave him a boop on the nose with her finger.
“You-a fluffy man. You look handsome if you no fat.”
Sarah burst into laughter, downing the rest of her screwdriver. But Kim picked up Sarah’s empty glass, traced the rim, and placed a finger in her mouth. “Oooh, naughty, naughty. I think you put alcohol in there-a. That means-a I impose 7 PM curfew for week.”
“What?!” screamed Sarah. “You bitch!”
“Oooh, careful,” Kim cooed, picking up a slice of bacon and pointing at Lionell across the room. “If you no comply, I tell big cop man that you minor in possession." She spun around and walked off, nibbling on the bacon like a chipmunk.
Sarah snapped the glass at the stem. “Let’s sabotage these fuckin’ R.A.'s!”
Winston narrowed his eyes, watching as Lionell poured a cup of runny batter into the waffle iron. He rotated the handle to start the timer, and his carb cake began to cook.
“Now’s our chance,” Winston said, springing up from his chair. “Follow me, sis.”
“What about them?” Sarah asked, pointing under the table.
Winston grabbed the plate of bacon and lifted the tablecloth. Tai and Gigi immediately snatched it up like cave trolls, feasting in their underground lair.
“All that pork and they’re skinny as rails,” Winston muttered to Sarah.
“Ah, I see Momma Moon hit a nerve with you,” Sarah teased, rubbing his belly. “Are you out to impress her now? Or is it her daughter you seek?”
Winston scoffed as he and Sarah weaved through tables of hungover students. “Nah, just Claire,” he replied.
“Ah, I knew it!” Sarah laughed. “Your southern damsel in distress. So, you wanna know a secret that only a woman would know?”
“Hit me.”
“It’s gonna take a lot more than good looks to score with a woman like her.”
“Explain.”
“The solution...is that there is no solution. You have to be born into it. Sorry!”
At the waffle station, Lionell lifted the handle and grabbed his waffle, imprinted with the S.A.U. Beaver logo. And as he searched for the maple syrup, Winston dangled it in front of his face.
“Got a wager for ya, Deputy,” Winston proposed, dousing his waffle with syrup while Lionell furrowed his brow. “And the stakes are mighty high.”
“You got ten seconds,” Lionell snarled, “Before I stomp yo’ ass in front of your sister." Sarah took a sip of her fresh screwdriver, middle finger up.
“Whoa, easy tiger,” said Winston. He poured a scoop of batter into the waffle iron and slammed it shut. “I’ll put it like this: you look like you’ve eaten from a pig trough once or twice in your life.”
“You got some fuckin’ nerve.”
“Hey, I have too! Nothin’ to be ashamed of. Your colleague over there called me out on my weight too. You’re an American. I’m an American. So let’s do what we Americans do best: have a good old-fashioned eating contest.”
Lionell paused. He swiped a knob of butter with his knife and slathered his waffle. “Now what’s in it for me?”
“Simple. If you win, you get to give me a 7 PM curfew for a month." Sarah suddenly spat out her screwdriver, clutching Winston’s sleeve. “And if I win, you get the fuck out of my hall.”
A gleaming smile washed across Lionell’s face. Students began setting their phones down to eavesdrop. The waffle iron alarm went off. Lionell swiped the fluffy waffle and dropped it on a plate.
“Aight, Beavers. But I get to decide what we eatin’. Annnd march!”
Lionell snapped to attention, about-faced, and marched down the buffet line. Winston quickly slathered his waffle with syrup and butter, following behind. At the chicken station, Lionell grabbed the tongs and swiped a piece of growth-hormone fried chicken for both of them. Five slices of bacon to top it all off.
That’s it? Winston thought. This is just any given Tuesday for me.
But instead of heading back to a table, Lionell about-faced to the waffle station again. “I ain’t through with you by a damn sight,” Lionell warned. “I’m about to get diabetic on yo’ ass!”
Lionell and Winston cycled through the buffet line, layering the waffles, chicken, and bacon three more times. By now, Gigi and Tai had joined the crowd of gossiping students. When Sarah recapped the challenge, Gigi crossed her arms, containing a large belch in her throat.
“Wow, how can Winston eat all of that?” Gigi groaned. “Is he from this world?”
“You’d be surprised,” Sarah chuckled, shaking her head. “My brother is a bonafide carnivore. Hell, he used to have this YouTube channel. What was it...ah, Feng Shui of the Gut. He’d upload these crazy eating challenges once or twice a week. My parents couldn’t keep a full pantry. And let’s just say it got to the point where they made Winston buy his own toilet paper.
That mental image seared in Gigi’s mind as the two competitors sat down with their two-foot-tall stacks of grease. And since Winston’s gut would certainly be “feng shui’d” this afternoon, Tai thanked God that their dorm bathrooms were down the hall instead of in their room. All eyes were on them. Not to mention, several live video feeds. Winston and Lionell placed their paper napkins on their laps, gripping a knife and fork in their fists.
“One last finishing touch,” Lionell declared. “Waiter! Bring me some ranch.”
Magically, a student worker swept by with a ladle of ranch dressing. Lionell drowned their chicken and waffles with the stuff. The color drained from both Winston’s and Sarah’s face. Even she knew he was doomed.
When Winston was a wee lad in Trinity, he’d grown up pouring ranch dressing on his school pizza, corn nuggets, and hot dogs. But all of that had come to a halt in middle school. One day, he’d brought a cobb salad for lunch to impress the football cheerleaders. And after taking his first bite, he had pulled a long strand of gray hair out of his mouth. Courtesy of a lunch lady who had always refused to wear a hairnet. Needless to say, Winston had never touched ranch dressing ever since.
“Go, fat boy!” Lionell barked.
Winston shook the memory and dug in. He tried to saw the soggy waffle stack with a butter knife. Lionell simply grabbed a handful of food and stuffed it into his mouth. So Winston tossed his silverware aside and went to town. The syrup, ranch, butter, and chicken grease coagulated in his stomach. But he trucked through, sickened by the thought of a sunset curfew. And by now, there was a clear divide in the crowd: the faculty and staff backing Lionell and the students cheering for Winston.
“Gonna beat that bitch ass!” Lionell scoffed between bites.
Lionell was a food machine, shoveling down the first layer like he was born for it. Now Winston could eat his way out of trouble too. But the watered-down expired ranch stuck to the back of his throat. He switched his approach, fetching his napkin and wiping off each piece of bacon and chicken. He scarfed those down with ease. But the longer the waffles sat there, the more they puffed up in size as they soaked in the ranch.
“Fuck me,” Winston groaned, washing his food down with a glass of Mountain Dew. Meanwhile, Lionell looked like a mental patient, his cheeks and chin coated in grease and dressing. Winston looked down at the sweet, salty, gooey, gelatinous pile of batter. His stomach churned as he felt something rise from his stomach to his throat...
“Drink this, bro!” Sarah yelled, tilting Winston’s head back. She poured a steady stream of Pepto-Bismol into his mouth. And now, the flavor of stale bubblegum was added to the milky, tangy ranch. Time stood still. Winston suddenly imagined a tiny lunch lady sitting in that pink bottle. Holding a fishing pole. Casting a fishing line down Winston’s throat. A line made of her own hair.
Winston turned to his side and threw up on the floor.
It was over. Lionell stood to his feet, holding up a clean plate and dragging his tongue across it. Winston panted on hands and knees while Sarah and Tai lay hands on him. Gigi rushed back with a refill of Mountain Dew.
“On the bright side...I got the whole thing on video so we can still put it on your YouTube channel!” Gigi cheered.
“Wh-what? Who told you about that?” Winston looked up, feeling a second wave coming.
Before Gigi could answer, Kim came by with a mop and a bucket full of chemicals. “I clean, I clean! Remember, my daughter: cleanliness next to godliness!”
***
At 6:55 PM Sarah lay on her bunk reading an H.P. Lovecraft novel she borrowed from Evelyn. Gigi was organizing the massive pile of clean panties on the futon, courtesy of Kim. At the age of 18, she couldn’t bear the thought of her mom sorting through the different shapes, sizes, and colors. Once again, she wished lightning would just strike her dead where she stood…
Somebody knocked on the door.
“Oh, looks like curfew check,” Gigi said. “Good thing you’re already in the room!" Without looking up from the book, Sarah flipped her off. Gigi grabbed her comforter and draped it over Panty Mountain. But when she opened the door, it was Winston. He was holding a 6-foot metal pole.
“Howdy,” Winston said, slipping in and closing the door. “I heard you’re part of the Top Bunk Club, so I got ya a safety bar.”
“Oh, cool! That’s very thoughtful of you, Winston! I almost died this morning when I fell off.”
But Sarah saw right through his brother’s facade. “That’s obviously not why he’s not here,” she muttered, bookmarking her place and sitting up in bed. “He’s trying to avoid his curfew. Look, bro, can’t you just admit defeat every now and then? It sucks. But if I’m following the rules, then so can you.”
“Hey check this out, sis,” Winston proposed. He propped the safety bar against the wall and sat next to hidden Panty Mountain. “All I gots to do is hang out here for a little bit, and then we can all sneak out and go to trivia at that pizza joint downtown.”
Before they could consider it, there was a single, thunderous pound on the door. “Winston, I know yo’ ass is in there!” Lionell yelled.
“Shit,” Sarah hissed. “Quick, get in the closet!”
“Hey, I ain’t like my roommate, ya know." But Sarah grabbed Winston’s shoulders and shoved him in, closing the rasta sheet. Gigi took a breath and opened the door.
“Deputy!” Gigi greeted. “Quite the lovely post-curfew evening on campus. What say ye?”
But Lionell walked straight past her into the center of the room. He put his hands on his hips, admiring the clean and tidy living space. Sarah’s prog-rock band posters. Gigi’s bulletin board containing OCD-level to-do lists.
“Ya know, for such a cozy girls’ room,” Lionell pondered, “it sho’ smells like a boy came up in here and took a giant steamy shit.” He eyed the massive pile on the futon and grabbed a corner of the comforter. “There you are! So you think you can do whatever you want like you fucking own South App! Well, you’re fixin’ to have bruises on yo’ knees when I’m through with ya!”
Lionell flung away the comforter, revealing Gigi’s entire collection of panties. Her jaw hit the floor, and Sarah shot to her feet.
“Look, he’s not here!” Sarah asserted. “He’s back over at the cafe for wing night, stuffing his face as usual. Matter fact, he wants to meet ya there for a rematch, if you-”
But Lionell heard none of it. For the first time, the lines on his face softened, and his eyes nearly teared up at the beautiful sight. He picked up a pair of frilly, blue panties and held them in front of his face. Gigi stammered in absolute horror.
“G-get the fuck out of here, you f-fucking asshole!" Gigi spat.
Sarah lunged for the panties, but Lionell’s giant hand shoved her back onto the bed. He whipped out Winston’s revolver and pointed it square at Sarah’s forehead. “Now, now. This is between me and this little Asian piece of ass directly adjacent to me." Lionell casually gestured to Gigi with the gun before pointing it back to Sarah. “Now, Miss Gigi. Allow me to make a proposal.”
Winston watched everything unfold from behind the rasta sheet. With the closet being a few long strides away, he had no opening for a surprise attack. Especially against a Marine. He watched Lionell bring the panties up to his face and inhale deeply.
“You see,” Lionell casually explained to a mortified Gigi, tears welling up in her eyes. “I must admit, you have some mighty fine taste, as evidenced by the smorgasbord in front of me. But all I smell is detergent. Now say you...wore one of these for a few days, and then gave it back to me? Matta fact, how would you like to have your first year of tuition and books paid for? Why I’ll even sweeten the pot!" Lionell tightened the grip on his gun to remind Sarah not to try anything. “I’ll disappear from Firewater, and your two retarded boy-toys will neva have to see mah ass again. Thass right. Gigi Moon, yo’ entire tuition, fees, football tickets - everything paid in full. And you won’t eva have to work a day in a greasy dish pit or stocking shelves at Walmart. All’s you have to do is live with me in my apartment...and be my little yellow-bone slut."
Lionell reached into his tight pants and began touching himself. Winston crouched down behind the curtain. Lionell gritted his teeth, pressing the gun more firmly against Sarah’s forehead. Suddenly, Winston pushed off on his heel, emerging from behind the rasta sheet. As Lionell gasped, Winston speared him in the gut, tackling him to the ground. The gun flew out of Lionell’s hand, sliding under the futon.
“Fuck you, cunt!” Winston yelled, straddling Lionell and throwing punches at the face. Lionell struggled to free his hand, which was still stuck in his tight pants. But he caught one of Winston’s punches and rolled with him on the ground. Now Winston had a 300-pound man on top of him. Lionell struck him repeatedly with a ham-bone fist. All the while, he struggled to free his other hand from his pants.
“I take krav maga, bitch!” Sarah yelled as Gigi and Sarah took turns kicking Lionell in the ribs from either side. But Lionell shook them off like fleas, convulsing with anger in a steroid rage.
“Gigi...the gun,” Winston muttered through bleeding lips. Lionell flung Sarah against the wall, apparently knocking her out. Gigi nodded, dashing toward the futon, while Lionell finally freed his hand from his pants.
“Open yo’ mouth, motherfucka,” Lionell roared. He gripped Winston’s throat with one hand while raising that other smelly, sweaty hand to Winston’s mouth. “You gonna learn today,” Lionell whispered, jamming his entire fist, finger-by-finger, into his mouth. “You gonna taste what it means to be conquered by a motherfuckin’ BBC, you filthy little - *OOOF*!”
Lionell froze, his eyes shooting wide open. And slowly, he leaned to the side, capsizing like a ship. He fell unconscious. Through blurry eyes, Winston saw Gigi gripping the safety bar like a katana.
“Um...turns out that was a pretty thoughtful gift!” Gigi cheered.
***
An hour later, half of Firewater Hall congregated in the main lobby. They gossipped among themselves while a cop car drove off with former Deputy Lionell Hardy. The four freshmen sat on a sofa in the corner, sipping Starbucks.
“Holy shit,” Tai reacted after the others recapped the fight. “That asshole must have been roided up to be able to take all you guys on!”
“Tell me about it,” Winston groaned, pressing his Frappuccino up to his swollen cheek. “I don’t know if I’d be here if Gigi hadn’t gone Mark McGuire on his ass.”
Gigi sipped her Frappuccino as she tried to figure out whether that was the name of a Renaissance painter or NASCAR driver.
“Well, I would’ve saved the day with my deadly roundhouse kicks,” Sarah declared proudly, standing to her feet. “If only Gigi would have distracted him like I asked.”
Gigi took her shoe off and threw it at her. The four freshmen laughed. And interrupting the playful banter was a middle-aged blonde lady with a short bob haircut. She stood on top of a chair and cleared her throat.
“Excuse me, I need everyone’s attention, please. I’m Karen, Director of the Resident Assistants Program here on campus.”
“She totes looks like a Karen,” a sorority girl whispered. Another smart-ass in the crowd made a police siren noise with his mouth.
“Why, yes,” Karen continued. “Sometimes known colloquially as the, um...Campus 5-0. Now then! I see we have had quite the eventful evening in Firewater. And that is why I want to address the status of our…unmonitored 300 Hall." Winston and Tai suddenly perked their ears up. “Effective immediately, the 300 Hall will no longer be under direct R.A. supervision.”
Winston’s and Tai’s jaws dropped to their floor as they exchanged goofy-ass smiles.
Karen held her hand in the air to stop the commotion. “Yes, yes. I do want to advise you. That doesn’t mean that there will be no law and order on the 300 Hall. Underage drinking and weed are serious offenses that could have you expelled and put away in prison for the rest of your life. I assure you that the other R.A.’s are liable at any time to monitor the 300 Hall at their own discretion. Have a good night, and be safe.”
Most students began filing back up to their rooms. But an all-too-familiar face pranced up to Gigi and crossed her arms in front of her slim waist.
“Oh! My-a poor Gigi!” Kim cooed, wrapping her arms around her daughter and kissing her forehead. “I wish I still be here protect you from bad man. But it look like mah service no longer needed anymore.”
Gigi tilted her head to the side, staring at Kim’s cheerful expression. Then Gigi slowly panned over to Sarah, whose face tensed up, trying to hold back a laugh.
“What’s...what’s going on?” Gigi asked them.
“It worked!” Sarah snickered. “Oh, my God, it fucking worked!" Winston and Tai stopped discussing hallway Slip-and-Slide plans to listen in.
“I’m so confused?” Gigi laughed nervously.
“Oh, Gigi...you are almost as naive as you are kind!” Sarah said condescendingly. “Why, Kim was never your R.A. in the first place. Alas, t’was all a masterful plan concocted by yours truly. And Kim played the part beautifully, I might add.”
Sarah gave Kim a golf clap while Kim crossed her legs and gave a polite curtsy.
“But Mom! If you’re not my R.A….then who is?”
“I am,” interrupted Evelyn, the front desk security. She set down her book and walked over to them. She was looking a little less emo than usual with her curly jet-black hair. Yet, she still found it in her heart to don ripped jeans and grey painted nails. “Now don’t you worry, kid,” Evelyn said, putting her arm around Gigi’s shoulder. “If you’re gonna smoke and drink, just keep it out of plain sight. If I see it, then you have to share it. Capiche?"
Gigi slowly nodded her head, her throbbing head trying to process it all. “Oh, and one more thing,” Evelyn added. “No threesomes in the bathroom, please. We don’t have HAZMAT suits, ya know. Just keep that shit in the room, and we’ll be good." Evelyn gave Sarah a side-eye. “Unless it’s a female threesome, of course.”
***
Back in the girls’ room, Gigi’s laundry was put away, Winston’s blood was cleaned up, and the safety bar was secured on the top bunk. At her desk, she typed away at her Honors Program admissions essay. Sarah and Evelyn lounged on the futon, swearing at each other over an intense Mario Kart race. And as Gigi tried to form a thesis on why dental hygienists were more important than brain surgeons, her phone buzzed. A text from Winston.
Hey, can you come down here and bring me my gun? My hands are tied right now. It’s under the futon, right?
Gigi walked over to the futon and got down on hands and knees, blocking the gamers’ view of the TV. Sarah scoffed while Gigi crawled under the futon and reached as far back as she could, feeling around for the gun.
“Damn it, Gigi - you messed up my blue shell!” Sarah complained, flinging her controller across the room.
“Aww, don’t fuss at her,” Evelyn teased, staring down at Gigi’s smooth, toned legs that stuck out from beneath the futon. “She’s so fun-sized!”
Gigi crawled out and shot to her feet with the revolver in hand. “Careful what you say, roomie,” she said. “You were knocked out, so you didn’t bear witness to my epic sword skills! I don’t think you wanna provoke a ninja with a gun!”
“You’re holding it upside down,” Sarah sighed.
“Oh.”
Gigi stashed the revolver in her purse and headed down to the 300 Hall. She raised her hand to knock...then decided that, after today, the four of them were officially on a “no-knock” basis.
“Hi, boys!” Gigi cheered, opening the door. Winston sat in a chair in front of the mirror while Tai stood behind him, styling his hair to the side with pomade. Winston was dressed in a white collared shirt, a grey tie to match his dress pants, and snakeskin cowboy boots. “Wow, Winston,” Gigi mouthed in awe. “You look....um, different! Is that sandalwood?”
“Yeeep,” Tai answered, pulling out a razor and trimming Winston’s beard. “Our man no longer smells like a gym locker room. And I’m sure she will appreciate that.”
“Oh...and who might that be?” Gigi asked suspiciously.
“Miss Claire Dansby,” Winston answered, lighting a cigarette while Tai worked behind him. “I reckon we’ll be running into her tonight.”
“Oh, um...cool! Is she going to be on our trivia team? I mean, after today I think the four of us make a pretty good team, but another brain couldn’t hurt!”
Tai and Winston averted their eyes. An awkward silence while the razor buzzed.
“Yeah, Gigi,” Winston trailed off, taking a drag. “There’s been a change in plans. Claire is actually hosting karaoke at a bar downtown. It’ll just be me and Tai tonight. We’ll have to take a rain check on trivia. Sorry ’bout that.”
“I’m his wingman for Claire!” Tai interjected, wiping Winston’s face with a hot towel.
Gigi just stood there as Tai worked his magic, transforming this good ole country boy into a future country star. And as the scent of sandalwood flooded her nostrils again, she knew she had to leave the room. Not because she hated it, but because she was afraid to admit that she loved it.
“Well, in that case,” Gigi began, placing her hand on the doorknob. “I hope you find immediate gratification in crafting twangy southern anthems for a bonafide like-minded Alabama ten! I do regret to inform you that the proper authorities have confiscated your metal-projecting apparatus!”
Blank stares from Winston and Tai.
“I mean...have fun with your woman! And it looks like the police took your gun as evidence.”
Before Winston could respond, Gigi was already in the stairwell, heading back up to her room. Sarah and Evelyn were on their feet with controllers in hand, screaming at Mortal Kombat.
“Get over here, you fucking asshole!” Sarah yelled, mashing buttons.
“I don’t think I shall!” Evelyn retorted in a British accent. “Looks like you’re…frozen in fear!”
Gigi silently walked past them. She sat down at her computer and typed the first thing that came to her mind: My name is Gigi Moon, and I should be in the Honors Program because I have no fucking social skills whatsoever. But tonight, I proved that I can make up for it with my epic ninja skills!
Only 4,963 words to go, she thought.
But very little writing was done that night while Sarah and Evelyn mashed buttons and took turns screaming “Fatality!” at the top of their lungs. Finally, Gigi put her headphones on. She pulled up YouTube and searched for Feng Shui of the Gut. A hundred videos of Winston’s old ridiculous eating challenges.
One of the most popular videos caught Gigi’s eye: I F@#KED UP! STRANDED ON THE TOILET. She clicked Play. Right away, there was a close-up of a younger and skinnier Winston, no older than 16. The camera was zoomed on his clean-shaven face. And yes, he was clearly sitting on the toilet.
Yee-haw, fellers!” greeted Young Winston, sweat dripping down his forehead. “Welcome back to Feng Shui of the Gut. Earlier today, I decided to scarf down a five-pound bag of Sugar-Free Haribo Gummy Bears! I’m sorry, did I say today?" Winston leaned forward until his face filled the entire frame. “I meant yesterday! I’ve been stuck on this (BLEEP)ing toilet for 24 (BLEEP)ing hours!
Maybe it was procrastination that kept Gigi glued to the screen. Maybe it was morbid curiosity. But while Sarah and Evelyn took turns ripping each others’ spines out and lighting each other on fire, Gigi binged through all 100 of Winston’s old videos. Most revealing were dozens of fast food reviews. In these videos, Winston would eat a burger in his truck while talking about politics, religion, and women. He even went on a 10-video spree chronicling his war against a yellow jacket colony at his mom’s place.
When Gigi’s head hit the pillow at 3 AM, she felt as if she knew Winston Arnold Beavers better than she knew herself. Most notably: chicken wings was his favorite food, curry would make him dig a hole if there wasn’t a toilet nearby, and he absolutely positively despised ranch dressing.
submitted by welcometosouthapp to welcometosouthapp [link] [comments]


2020.07.22 08:11 22Julslow Asian hidden toilet

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submitted by 22Julslow to Home_Made_Fun [link] [comments]


2020.07.21 07:44 21Julchatter Asian toilet hidden

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2020.07.19 17:02 Lenda19Julgo Straight Gu-y First Time Por-n

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2020.07.16 15:25 elvs816Jul Toilet asian hidden

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https://preview.redd.it/jxc5kfawl8b51.jpg?width=225&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0214ecb5add059cf7e72497b7c909e11fd0e292a
submitted by elvs816Jul to Home_Made_Fun [link] [comments]


2020.07.06 05:23 RBree2 Hidden toilet asian

Fifteenth installment.
"'I just got here and Lav is already being murdered'? It happens."
"'your cat looks like an old man'? How DARE you. Don't say that about a little baby!"
"we have varieties of different types"
"I'm the first real Asian"
"I'm the first major Asian channel guys"
"We're gonna move real quickly from the US to the UK to Asia"
"why did this turn into a mass shooter thing?"
"They're out of the ten dollar tacos guys, don't worry, there's ten dollar tacos you can still buy now!"
"I'm actually having trouble thinking now"
"This was a weed-powered boat by the way"
"All this weed shot everywhere"
"You think you're driving your boat through the water but you're actually on the beach because you're so high"
"This is why we've never seen sharks fly, guys! It's because they're afraid of the helicopters!"
"you've entered during a part"
"It is physically impossible, guys, to keep a shark in a state of panic for over five minutes guys"
"Shark college isn't something you apply to"
"In October 2007, was Ethan even born???"
"I don't want to lose my best friend through an autocorrect AI"
"By the way, Ethan has a fungal infection, everyone"
"Once it started involving fungus, that's okay"
"The narrator is actually covid"
"If you're already dead from covid, you won't die again from covid"
"Is this from the perspective of someone who gets vored?"
"The world will be destroyed by vore"
"Vore means war"
"god this is where my brain is at tonight, thinking normie terms"
"Vore is the reason cancel culture exists guys"
"Oh my god there was hidden code in all of the fanfics how could I not have known?"
"sour water guys. That's the flavor that comes out of the toilet"
"I need to find out the full recipe for the toilet bread"
"any good recipe just needs three parts toilet water"
"you guys have cursed me so many times over the years in chat, now it's my turn to give it back"
"People named Taylor were put on this earth to make a difference guys"
"we can't see teeth"
"I need to know more about the legend of teeth"
"teeth are actually Mallians"
"did they teach you about the great human-Mallian war of the 20th century?"
"they didn't used to be hard! They were malliable from the start!"
"we have been so conditoned by the mallia within us"
"be careful around your teeth"
"teeth/mallia have forgiven us for the great human/mallia war"
"we don't want another human/mallia war after the 30th century"
"I can't have that silly text on the screen to make it look like I don't take this seriously"
"we label them with this word that they probably take great offense to. Teeth! They're mallia. We should probably call them that."
"I was thinking about mallia too much"
"I'm sorry to tell you this, Morgan, but Ethan and I both have secret wives, and one of us is getting a divorce"
"Hey at least we got a song out of this one, it's pretty good"
"Maybe I'll be the voice in those dating sim games? You never know!"
submitted by RBree2 to BeaglyBubs [link] [comments]


2020.05.02 15:34 auroraxan Toilet asian hidden

Withdrawal symptoms from epilim? Or something worse?
I'm 22M, South Asian. Past medical history: 1 seizure 9 years ago, on epilim since then.
So about 4 months ago, after a buffet in the afternoon, I started feeling bloated till close to midnight when I started puking (hadn't been to the toilet in between). The next day, my stools were just fine but I was still feeling sick and I had a high fever (39-40 degrees celsius). GP prescribed azithromycin, paracetamol and some antacid which I took diligently; took it for around 10 days (fever would subside for a few hours, then come back in full force) before the fevers stopped.
During this time, I stopped taking epilim as it's mentioned not to take epilim together with antacids. I did not feel any feeling of drowsiness or confusion during this period. However, once my fevers stopped and I went back to my daily activities (hadn't started on my epilim again yet), I had a constant feeling of brain fog (like my right hemisphere was blocked specifically) and there was a constant pressure on the right side of the back of my head. When playing computer games, I found it hard to think; things just felt different and even alien. But I could talk and understand people fine. Not even sleeping the night fixed this confusion and pressure feeling. However, after taking my epilim, the next day, I felt better. I have dizziness episodes lasting seconds once a week or two since that day, often coupled with ringing in my ears and twitching (occurring separately).
I just want to know if epilim is possibly masking another hidden illness or am I just overthinking stuff. Thank you!
submitted by auroraxan to AskDocs [link] [comments]