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the t e o fan e cdo d wo rl. ectionof a c oll s n in r at io n t s an d il lu st cide fact s , of thin g s e c l r ica l, la w y e rs, hu ma nfolly, e et ra Stiles's Story Time. trilliath Summary: Where Stiles is a librarian who is in charge of the kids' reading hour and such. And Derek is 6-year-old Scott's adoptive dad. And Stiles has his own take on St ories and Scott loves wolves and Derek tries not to admit that he likes the way Stiles's face looks in those glasses. Or something like that. Notes: For Saucery. As I barrel through the doors of the gym, I can't help but fee l a lot better. The Universal Fighter's Gym has been my home more than any place else. I've been training here for three years before I decided to ta ke a job here as a trainor. I cringe slightly, remembering that Jax was the one who had introduced me to this way of life. thei r dau ghter ’s d esir e fo r in depen dence, bu t if she had to p ursue some thin g, sc hool tea ching was the only pos sibl e o ption . Kobe Bryant’s close friend and former teammate Pau Gasol has officially joined the dad club. And, in a touching gesture, he named his daughter after Kobe’s 13-year-old daughter Gigi, who also died in the tragic helicopter crash earlier this year. t h 52319169 th e 32696962 i n 32032461 a n 30344506 e d 23842055 e r 21620467 a r 18902502 r e 16730496 e r 16630435 t i 15869718 an d 15761362 e n 15486584 o n ...

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2019.07.23 14:43 Th3HarryHorrorShow Secret camera masterbation

Everything was chugging along just fine until one fateful day when he stepped foot in the West Allis Public Library.
Jeff was sitting in the library, reading a book when a stranger passed and dropped a note in dahmer's lap.
The note read "Meet me in the second-level bathroom. I'll give you a blowjob".
In that one moment, the internal dam he had built began to crack. He resisted the allure of library head, but the incident planted seeds in his mind that began to take root.
Eventually his will broke down and he began to jerk off freuqently (with his hand) nearly 4 times a day. He came to the eventual conclusion that he needed to lose his virginity with a man.
Naturally his attendence at church slackened off, he starts hitting the sauce, and began hanging around gay book shops trolling for local gay friendly bars.
He was still a sexual novice and wasn't quite sure where to start with any of it.
He made timid advances in private back rooms, in the dark with other men, and also spent some time engaging in more indecent exposure; he did this in particular another 6 times at least according to him.
He also engaged in frotterism- the pressing of one's groin against an unsuspecting and unconsenting victim in a crowded place.
Talk about the evolution of sexuality from self to mutual. His ideal partner was someone would allow himself to be held as an object.
One day he saw a mannequin in a Boston Store store window; it caught his eye, especially its torso.
Later that week, he stayed in the store and hid as they closed. He then went grabbed the mannequin and ran off with it.
He went through different fantasy scenarios with the mannequin, most of the ending in masturbation.
He never tried to penetrate the mannequin but was forced to get rid of it when his grandma started asking weird questions.
During that same time, Jeff's brother David came over to visit. David spent the night and him and Jeff had to share a bed.
Jeff tried to make moves on David- his own brother. Read quote from page 72.
Towards the close of 1985, Jeff would discover bath house AND a way to get the product/ body he was looking for.
The bathhouses were a trend that started in the 60's and 70's which could trace their orgins in Turkish baths earlier.
These clubs typically had coffee and tv lounges, saunas and pools, as well as jacuzzis.
The action happened upstairs. Cubicles line a long hallway and people would pair up sexually by walking into a cubicle and closing the door behind them.
Dahmer encountered other weirdos, not quite like himself but with their own fetishes. Dahmer recalls a man who wanted to suck on his feet. the man had no teeth so dahmer lay back and enjoyed the ride.
Most of his other pairings were much more rigourous which was not to Jeff's liking. He hated being the bottom, and although he enjoyed being top, what he really wanted was for his partner to keep lie still and let him enjoy himself. objects of pleasure quote. page 73.
The bathhouses only exacerbated Dahmer's issues; his selfish one sided sexual impulses were fostered here, which owuld lead towards his end goal of product killing.
Dahmer, in 1986, took steps to bring about his fantasy of a submitting, unmoving partner to life.
In June of that year, Dahmer went to doctor and requested a prescription for sleeping pills citing difficulty adjusting to his late night shift.
This wasn't true; Dahmer was using the pills on unsuspecting partners at the bath house, dosing them with 5 pills a man until they passed out.
Dahmer then had their bodies all to himself and could explore his fantasy world uninterrupted.
Dahmer didnt engage in penetrative sex, so oddly enough most of his partners didnt lodge much complaint.
His actions were reported to the bathhouse management but went uninterrupted until he misjudged the dosage one night while drugging an Asian out of towner.
The man was so conked out he didnt wake up for two days; he would end up spending a week in the hospital. The management of the bathhouses ONLY then revoked his membership, but didn't report him to the cops.
As a replacement for the bathhouse, Dahmer would rent a room in the Ambassador hotel and take men back there instead; luring and drugging 6 men this way.
Dahmer was normally incapable of attaining an erection, but when the men were comatose, he would be able to get hard and masturbate 3-4 times per encounter.
Other times he would snuggle with the men's sleeping bodies, laying his head on their chest to listen to them breath.
Dahmer during this time spent alot of time on Milwaukee's South 2nd street; in particular three clubs- Club 219, C'est La Vie and the Phoniex.
Club 219 was a popular dance and strip club and the Phoniex was your average downtown bar. At the phoniex, dahmer was known to sit in the same stool, rarely talking with others.
HE was polite but kept to himself, typically only talking briefly with better looking black men who happened to be in the bar. He started getting into conflicts with his grandma about his late nights and drinking.
He began to morph into what Shrine describes as hypersexuality- buying more and more porn, masterbating more and more, hungrier for tangible sexual encounters than ever before.
His fantasies didnt cut it anymore, this isnt unusual especially when one considers the manner in which he had been pulling reality into his fantasy life through the drugging of lovers.
The porn also held a significant importance to dahmer; it was a flat static thing- an object. Dahmer wanted that- but in real life. Dahmer began imagining time with a corpse; its hard to know how long the thought had been in his head, but he acted on it during this time;
dahmer tells when he tried to sneak into a cemetary to dig up a freshly buried boy. The ground was too frozen and he was to afraid of being out in the open and getting caught so he fled before he could get started with the act.
Another symptom of Dahmer's hypersexuality; in september of 1986, Dahmer went to a river bank and pulled down his pants and lifted his shirt; he proceeded to jack off in view of two young boys who began to heckle him.
He continuted, shouting at them that "he was having a great time". The boys went to the cops and reported him; he was subsequently arrested and charged with Lewd and Lacivious Behaviour and indecent exposure.
Dahmer was sentenced to one year's probation and counseling for sexual deviancy. Not much is notable from his time in counseling.
He resisted much of it- one element that is telling were the answers he marked true on his eval page 79. During his therapy he would frequently physically present his back to his Dr.
His doctors remarks from therapy are also interesting "page 83."
One of their therapy sessions would take place on the 16th of november 1987.
Dahmer would begin his slip into serial killing 4 days later. Her closing remarks i found to be super neat. page 84- ending with "SPOOKY"
On the 20th of novemeber, dahmer met a young blond haired 25 year old Steven Tuomi.
steve was newer in town and was working at a local diner George Webb's Resturant during the same graveyard shift as dahmer.
Steven had the night off and was leaving club 219 around the same time as jeff, hitting it off on the pavement just outside the club.
Dahmer offered to take steven back to his room at the ambassador hotel. It was around 2 or three in the evening.
The two went up to dahmer's room , drinking rum and coke out of glasses dahmer had specifically prepped with sleeping pills by taking the powder and lacing the cup intended for tuomi.
they undressed, kissed, mutually masturbated each other and cuddled to sleep. Then Dahmer woke up.
The first thing Dahmer realized upon waking up was that he was lying on top of Tuomi.
It then clicked that Tuomi was dead; his head was hanging off of the bed's edge; dahmer could also feel bones crunching under neath his weight as he shifted up.
steve's chest had been beaten in and ribs were exposed through the skin. Dahmer's own arms were black and blue with brusies.
Dahmer recalls page 85. He hid the body in the closet and spent the next 5 hours pacing back and forth smoking cigarettes trying to figure out what the hell to do.
Other details remained fuzzy; they had been drinking rum and coke, but where was the bottle of rum? Had he left the room? Thrown it out the window? The possibilities and the implications of the missing bottle would be on his mind long after he left the room.
The morning passed and afternoon came. Dahmer cleaned himself up and went out around 1pm; he headed to one of his daytime haunts- the Grand avenue mall.
He bought a large suitcase at Woolworths-- he picked the largest he could find.
He returned to the hotel, booking it for another night, took the suitcase up the stairs and set to work.
He stuffed steven's body into the suitcase, secured the room, and lugged it through the hotel. He hailed a cab and loaded the body into the cab back to his grandma's house.
Once home, he tucked the suticase in grandma's fruit cellar and went to his room to crash.
Keep in mind this is the 20th and 21st of November 1987. One thing complicated things; Dahmer's family was in town the next day and through Thanksgiving.
Steven's body had to stay in the fruit cellar for the week. Dahmer still went to work at the factory each night, planning for the weekend when he would have to set about disposing the body.
By the weekend thr family would have left the house, giving him the time needed to do the job properly.
He spent the weekend conducting the clean up; the in house setting made it difficult- on top of that dahmer hated the work describing it as "unpleasant and messy".
He removed the head, slit open the belly and proceeded to slice the flesh and meat into small pieces that could fit into plastic garbage bags.
The bones were wrapped in newspaper to prevent splinters from flying and were then smashed with a hammer.
The breakdown of the body was accomplished quickly- it took roughly two hours. Trash came on monday, and the bags were placed at the curb for pick up.
Dahmer kept the head for himself for another two weeks. He used soilex and bleach to take the flesh off and dahmer masturbated while looking at the skull.
The bleaching process had rendered the skull brittle and dahmer ultimatly smashed it too. Dahmer would come to perfect the bleaching process later on. No charges were ever brought since there was nothing left of steve to find.
This murder represented a turning point. Dahmer gave up his internal struggle to stay good.
His thought was that the murdering was part of who he was at his core- why fight it page 88.
The next man wouln't be so lucky. In the middle of that month, on the 17th, Jeff was was waiting at the bus stop outside club 219 when he met James Doxator.
It was around 30 degrees out-- James was a young native american man, trying his luck in the big city after leaving a difficult home behing.
He was wearing burgundy jeans that night with suspenders and a sweater. He had a golfer's cap on.
Dahmer approached James, offered him $50 to come home and spend the night at his place. Jeff was pleasant and james gladly went with him.
They snuck upstairs in his grandma's house where they kissed and fooled aronund; dahmer gave james head and for an unknown reason they went down to the basement after this.
I suspect Jeff had already formulated a plan to kill james when he met him. James had other plans; once down in the basement, James mentioned that he had to leave- it was around 4 AM.
Just like with hicks, dahmer saw a partner leaving him. he snapped. he mixed james a drink of baileys, coffee, and crushed sleeping pill. They made out some more, and James fell asleep on Dahmer's lap, feeling safe and secure.
Dahmer held him there, rubbing his hands on his back and shoulders for a while. He then got up, gently laid Jame's head down and queitly spead a sheet out on the floor.
Dahmer puts what happened next bluntly" page 94. He held his body until day broke, then hid him in the same fruit cellar.
He freshened up upstairs, ate breakfast with his grandma, who then went to church (it was a sunday). after she left, he went downstairs, fetched the body and snuggled more with it, culminating in fucking the body anally.
James remained in the fruit cellar for a week, with dahmer ignoring the problem and working at the factory as usual. After the fifth day, the odor was beginning to fill the house and grandma began to notice. Jeff blamed an overly full litter box.
That following sunday (7 days total from grave to disposal) dahmer repeated the process he had undergone with Tuomi.
He cut off the head for later use, and stripped the flesh off, emptying it and the crushed bone into garbage bags.
This time, Jeff took advantage of the built in drainage in the basement and hosed the blood from the process down the hole in the floor. Everything but the head was taken out with the trash on monday morning.
The head was boiled and bleached like before, kept as a mastubatory aid for two weeks. It too broke, but a seed of an idea was planted in dahmer's head. Dahmer envisioned a shrine or alter composed of skulls and bones. A monument and focal point for his secret worship.
His fantasies and urges were, by his own admission, in the drivers seat, and its needs were becoming more and more pressing. When the skull broke and was thrown away, all trace of Doxator, just like tuomi was gone- a victim to a mad man's fantasy.
He had looked seventeen when dahmer saw him- he was tall and handsome with wispy mustache. He had in fact been 14 upon his death
Dahmer was driven by this intense desire to posess good looking young men- he remembers the period living with his grandmother as one filled with relentless desire...not a common thing one says.
Two months after the killing of Doxator, Dahmer was back on the prowl.
What used to be disorganized lurking turned into a hunt with an established pattern; dahmer was hunting with his MO freshly solidified. Dahmer met one Richard Guerrero (23) outside the Phoniex on the 27th of March in 1988 around 2 AM.
Dahmer offered Richard 50$ to spend the rest of the evening with him to which Richard agreed. Dahmer had the taxi park at the Mai Kai Tavern- a polynsesian pop place (http://www.tikiroom.com/tikicentral/bb/viewtopic.php?topic=39976&forum=2&13) and he and Richard walked the last two blocks home.
Not sure how this didnt raise red flags. Grandma was asleep; Dahmer and Richard snuck upstairs and engaged in the same light sex that had become dahmer's routine. Two hours later, Dahmer made the move, prepared the sleeping draught and offered it to Richard.
///rich accepts, drinks it and feel asleep, nude in dahmer's arms. Dahmer strangled him and once the deed was done threw his arms around the body, hugging it tight.
Dahmer's murders, from this point on, would incude this distorted demonstration of "love"- this killing to keep you with me forever. Dahmer, according to him, did not enjoy the act of killing; it was the means to an end- that end being the onlykind of love he could really process .
Dahmer still had a few hours left with the fresh body so he snuggled with it some more and gave the body a blow job. Dahmer left the body in his bedroom, presumably in bed and did his usual breakfast with granny routine.
Dahmer now understood that the 2-3 hour period that grandma was out of the house during was his optimal dismemberment period, so he set to work; richard had only been dead for maybe 6 hours at this point.
His remains were loaded in the trash but the skull was kept. He held onto to richard's skull for months to come, having finally found a way to keep the skulls preserved for longer periods using a diluted bleach mixture.
The following weekend was Easter weekend, and Dahmer wasn't going to let any time go to waste. He dropped by CLub 219 and met a man by the name Ronald Flowers.
Ron lived about an hour away in Racine, WI but would visit the club about 2-3 times a week. He had originally decided not to go out, because he was waiting at his house for a furniture delivery, but when the delivery didn't come...he decided to head to milwaukee to go clubbing.
He met his friends at the club, enjoying the evening, then their group left the club and walked out to their cars. They all pulled out and drove off, but Flowers walked over to his 1978 oldsmobile regency and couldnt get the car to start.
He tried a few more times and realized the battery was dead. Ronald was stuck here for the night. Flowers walked back to the club, and stood in lien to use the pay phone outside- he made a few calls but couldnt get any help. After he couldnt get any help that way, Dahmer walked up to him. Dahmer heard Flowers out, and offered to help him.
Dahmer's suggestion was to take a cab with him back to his house, pick up jeff's car and drive back with it to jump start ronald's car. Jeff didnt actually have a car, but then again, dahmer wasn't trying to play mechanic here.
Flowers had only had one drink that night, so he was still pretty sharp, and when talking with dahmer, and riding with him in the taxi, ronald noticed a few things about jeff.
For starters, Jeff wouldnt really look him in the eye- he also spoke morosely about how much he hated his work, family, and overall life. Flowers thought dahmer was depressing and a bit of a boring dude- he kept along with dahmer, primarily as a means to the end. The got out of the taxi, like dahmer was used to, two blocks away.
Flowers asked him about this, and jeff mentioned hed didnt want to wake his grandma with headlights and slamming doors. Flowers also noticed the lack of a car in dahmer's driveway.
Jeff's grandma heard them come in and asked if it was jeff; jeff replied yes and that he was going to make a coffee; he didnt mention his guest. Flower's alarm bells kept going off the longer he was in jeff's kitchen ; for one dahmer was visibly shaking, presumably from nerves.
Flowers was wracking his mind on how to get out of the situation when...he fell asleep. HE woke up two days later in a hospital; cops told him he had been found in a field. There was no sign of any drugs in his system and no sign of sexual assault, but his jewlery was gone and his cash he had on him was missing too. ($200).
His brother picked him up and he went home. Back at his house, Flowers noticed two new things. There were brusie marks around his neck and his underwear were on him, but inside out. Flowers went so far as to lodge a complaint with the police and was able to successfully point the cops to his house. Dahmer was interviewed by the cops on april 5th, but since the situation was he said he said, the cops dropped the investigation.
The flowers incident was damning because it showed dahmer did have some degree of control; he clearly tried to strangle flowers, but was able to stop before he killed him.
dahmer must have struggled with the whole scenatio- it was out of his MO and his grandma being awake was a variable that may have saved flower's life. Three months later, Flowers was back at the club and was able to recognize dahmer, apparently because he had the same "grubby" hush puppy shoes on he had worn last time.
Flower's asked if he dahmer remembered him- dahmer says he didnt but invited him back to his house for coffee. Flower's loses it, screaming YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM, lunging to attack dahmer. Flower's friends held him back. Later on outside the club, dahmer was getting into a cab with a handsome looking black man, when Flowers spotted the two of them and screamed "DONT GO WITH HIM, HES FUCKING CRAZY". Dahmer prospective companion backed out of the cab ride with Jeff, and all parties left and went their seperate ways into the night.
The Flower's affair ultimatley resulted in Dahmer's family deciding he needed to move out of grandma's house. Grandma herself didnt like his drinking habits, and was suspicious of all of dahmer's guests he had over. The desicion was reached via intervention style conference; the family members present also decided that jeff needed to seek counseling for excessive drinking.
On the 26th of April, Dahmer started counselinf with Dr. Bleadorn- the sessions only lasted 4 weeks- and dahmer's mind was elsewhere...primarily on the new star wars VHS RETURN OF THE JEDI. jeff was obsessed with the movie and was particulalry focused on the all powerful emporer. He even went out and bought yellow contact lenses.
In June, Dahmer moved into a new apartment at 808 north 24th street and stocked up on some more sleeping pills. he also brought richard Guerrero's skull with him.
At work, Dahmer seemed totally normal. His job performance reports were glowing for 4 years with one reading page. 99. Some coworkers thought he seemed stressed, while others cited his habit of falling asleep at the job. His time at his job was overall uneventful until his arrest in September of 1988.
Here's what happened around his arrest- on Monday the 26th, a student from a local art school was walking home when he felt a presence behind him.
The boy, Somsack Sinthasomphone, was a Laotian immigrant, was thoroughly americanized and was from a large family.
Dahmer approached the boy and struck up a conversation with him. He mentioned he had just picked up a new camera and wanted to give it a spin; would somsack take $50 to go with dahmer and help him out?
The boy was clever enough to ask dahmer straight up if it required him taking his clothes off...dahmer brushed that off saying itdidnt really mtter, and it was just for his personal hobby use.
Somsack decided to go- he thought dahmer was nice and followed him a block down to dahmer's place. Dahmer immediately jumped into it, asking somsack to pose for him and then take off his shirt, since it would make for better photos. somsack was reluctant but complied.
dahmer then made the two of them some coffee, and as somsack sipped it, dahmer had him take more photos, this time with the zipper of his pants down. Dahmer took some photos then straight up pulled his pants down trying to grab somsacks business. Somsack stopped him and started to leave. Dahmer asked him for a favor before he left...would he sit next to jeff for a moment or two?
somsack deicded to do that for a few minutes; then jeff asked if he could listen to his stomach. He placed his head on somack's stomach and began to kiss and lick him on his stomach. Somsack, jumped up, grabbed his backpack and ran out to the door; dahmer called out to him- dont forget your 50$ and dont tell anyone...
Somsack started running to his house but began to feel tired and disoriented. he got to his house finally but couldn't stand when arrived.
His father lied him down and when he couldn't wake him after two hours, decided to take him to a hospital. The hopsital got it right this time citing a drug overdose was involved.
cops were brought in and interviewed somsack for three hours. from 7:30 to 10:30 that night. He was able to point out the apartment and the cops were then able to track dahmer down at work.
jeff was arrested at work (which he felt was embarrassing) and was charged with second degree sexual assault and enticing a child for immoral purposes.
Dahmer felt his privacy had been violated and was angry since now everyone at work knew he was a homosexual.
Jeff spent 6 days in jail, and cops searched his apartment.
They found sleeping pills, his camera and photos of somsack, as well as some male porn. What they did not find was richard guerrerro' skull.
Lionel also found out about his son's sexuality during that time. He supposedly took it well, despite maintaining a christian stance on the matter of homosexuality. During court ordered psych evals, dahmer opened up more than he ever did in those settings, admiting he was anxious, tense and depressed.
he also mentioned he had deep feelings of alienation. The doctor concluded that dahmer was "very pscholigcally damaged" and " there is not question that mr. dahmer is in need of longterm psychological treatment. A second opinion was asked for and provided.
page 103.
Dahmer pled no contest, stating he didnt realize the reisdue was in the cup and that he didnt know somsack was only 13-
his sentencing was in january of 1989. Dahmer was ultimalty sentenced to a year in jail, but was allowed to be out on work release, reporting to work at the chocolate factory during the day, and jail at night.
Dahmer wrote a letter asking for a modificiation of sentence. Lionel too wrote letter but it was very much different, page 104.
In january of 1989, dahmer was found guilty, but the judge decided to wait a few months before sentencing to allow himself some time to review dahmer's psych reports.
Dahmer would take advantage of this reprieve as best he could. His compulsion was getting worse and worse, to the point where described it as painful.
On the 20th of march, with his time in jail coming up, dahmer took a 10 day vacation that coincided with the easter holiday.
he moved out of his apartment and moved back in with grandma, since he wouldnt be able to pay rent in jail. On Easter Saturday, he got the itch and got ready to get back to hunting.
He had his perscription of sleeping pills filled, and went out.
that evening he didnt talk to anyone throughout the evening, making the rounds at the bars on 2nd street.
He made a last stop at a club called La Cage (2nd & national). He still hadnt talked to anyone, and was about to leave when a handsome looking black man came up and started talking to jeff.
This was a first; The man's name was Anthony Sears. He was 21 years old, wearing a v neck sweater with a white tee underneath and trendy blue jeans and white sneakers.
Tony was there with his frend, Jeff Connor who was talking with someone else.
Tony asks Jeff is he has any coke to which jeff replies, he had that and some rum as well, thinking a rum and coke. Tony laughed and explained he meant cocaine; Tony was addicited to cocaine, and dahmer sensing that weakness instead offered to spend the night with him.
Tony eagerly agreed, seeming excited for the night to come. Jeff Connor offered to be a good wingman and drive them to wherever dahmer had in mind- dahmer mentioned he was visiting from chicago and was staying with his grandma while he was in town ( a lie).
Connor drove the pair, with dahmer and sear being in the back seat. sears was so ready to go, he started giving dahmer head in the back seat. Connor knew what was happening, but seemed more bothered by the weird feeling dahmer gave him.
When they arrived home, Dahmer got out first and walked across the street; connor mentioned he didnt feel right about jeff, but sears told connors he'd call him a few hours and he'd be fine. Sears then snuck into bed with dahmer, where jeff gave him head this time.
They lay in bed snuggling for a bit and dahmer asked if he could see him again. Tony mentioned he had to leave and probably wouldn't return-
you can guess what happened next. Dahmer went downstairs made his sleeping pill in a coffee drink, and served it to sears. 30 mintues later, and tony was out; dahmer did his usual routing of kissing and hugging until he worked up the nerve and strangled him.
Grandma woke up, they did breakfast, and the day being Easter, dahmer knew grandma would be out longer than usual.
He would have almost 4 hours with tony's body. Dahmer went back upstairs after she left, and did the usual desecration, including true necrophilia this time.
Dahmer tried something different this time; he dragged the body to the tub, and attempted to flay him- that being the removal of all of his skin. He then went back to his usual, removing he head, breaking down the flesh and breaking the bones apart. the one other notable deviation he made, was removing anthony's genitals. Dahmer's reasoning was he "like(d) him especially well"".
Dahmer took the trophies he had collected and his them in his room; he later consulted with a taxidermist on the best way to keep flesh preserved--acetone was recommeneded so dahmer bout a 10 gallon bucket of the stuff and put the head and genitals in there.
He also bought makeup to use to help pretty up the genitals. The acetone worked fairly well, allowing dahmer to keep the macabre trophies for later mastubatory use.
He also used the head for other just nasty purposes. you can guess where that leads. Once the head no longer lent itself to that kind of behaviour, dahmer would scalp the head and heep tony's ponyailed scalp as a long term trophy.
Jeff connor was naturally concerned and went looking for him, enlisting police aid. The cops now had a detailed description and a missing person- a first in dahmer's current history of offense.
Nothing came of it, and enventually dahmer's time came to enter jail. He bought a large metal samsonite cosmetic's case and loaded tony's now mummified head and genitals into it, storing it at work for safekeeping.
When he would leave prison he would be changed- more desperate more unhinged- ready to engage in the closing scenes in his grisly tragedy
submitted by Th3HarryHorrorShow to u/Th3HarryHorrorShow [link] [comments]


2018.04.22 05:53 primeval15429 Secret camera masterbation

could you please tell me what you think about my evidence and doubts? because I have severe anxiety and it wont leave me alone and It wont let me trust my own judgement
EVIDENCE THAT I AM TRANSGENDER:
-Trying to turn myself into a girl using magic and sublimimal messaging designed to change me into a girl(because I am crazy and I can make myself believe anything when I am desperate, I do this almost every other week),
-Using birthday wishes to try to turn myself into a girl,
-Playing as female characters on computer games almost exclusively to try to alleviate these feelings,
-Being disgusted by testosterone and actively trying to find ways to reduce it in my body even going to far as to try to convince a doctor to cut my balls off when I was 14,
-A belief that muscle mass is disgusting (this belief came as I went through puberty I didnt really have this belief when I was really young),
-Growing my hair out and avoiding the question when people asked why,
-A complete disintrest in persuing sexual relations with anyone,
-Using isochronronic frequency 1351hz ( estrogen production) alleviated my anxiety and depression almost completely and all perscribed anti depressants were only semi effective,
-I have had anxiety all my life but it got signifficantly worse during and after puberty, ubject m
-When I was a child I had a high pitched voice and I liked it but when I got older it lowered and I hated not having a high pitched voice,
-I hate being called handsome,
-I always believed I was ugly despite other people saying that I am not,
-I have always believed myself to be different than my peers somehow when I was a child I claimed to be the sole member of my own species to express these feelings,
-I liked shaving my legs,
-I liked shaving my arm pits,
-While the boys were interested in having sex with girls I was more interested in what it would like to be one,
-When I was 13 for a long time my nipples really hurt when they were touched,
-I have cried about being a boy on a few occasions,
-I have been having these feelings for about 6 years,
-I never looked after my appearance because I didnt think putting on nice clothes or washing myself would make me any less disgusting ( I especially hated it when people say that if I take care of my appearance Id feel better),
-When I realised that I am probably a girl my thoughts of suicide stopped but when I started doubting this my suicidal thoughts came back almost immediately,
-I feel alot happier when I feel sure that I am a girl and my mind sometimes feels clearer too,
-Thinking that I am not a girl makes me sad most of the time,
-When I was very young I liked to put towls around me the girl way and look at myself in the mirror but when other people came I put it the the towl around the boy way,
-One of the main reasons I didnt consume alcohol was because I thought that the confidence would make me reveal the secret and I didnt know how people would take it,
-regularly fantasizing about being a girl,
-Writting stories where one of the main themes are males turning into females,
-When I have doubts I try my best to prove that I am a girl to myself this means that I must want to be one if I am willing to go through all this confusion and stress to be one,
-If I was given the option to be happy as a boy or be a girl I would still be a girl(most of time when I am not worrying about whether I am wrong),
-Normal people dont usually ask the question "am I transgender?",
-Sometimes visualising myself as a girl makes me feel good,
-When I was really young I really liked hanging with the girls then as I got older I was really hurt when they didnt want me around them anymore,
-Imagining more weight on my chest makes me feel good,
-Having sex from the male perspective sounds disgusting but having sex from the female perspective often sounds pretty good,
-I have thought about mutilating my genitals alot trying to think of the least painful way to do it,
-No matter how many times I convince myself that being a girl is a bad Idea the desire always returns eventually/ no matter how many times I dismiss this question it always comes back at some point,
-When I started going through puberty I was very upset about it but at the time I thought that everyone just hated going through puberty,
-I have always hated doing really masculine activities like motorbike riding, sports, metal and woodwork ect. And when given the choice these and something like home ec or sewing I would always choose home ec or sewing,
-My ideal romantic relationship should I choose to have one was one where I would perform the stereotypically female role like being protected and with holding sex to get what I want ect.,
-Alot of the time I found it very hard to relate to my male friends on some issues particularly issues involving sex but also issues pretaining to the correct way to behave,
-My coldness and emotional detachment are a conditioned responce that I taught myself when I was very young I would cry when I saw someone else cry,
-When I cry and my mum tells me boys dont cry I want to scream at her “I dont want to be a boy”,
-I avoid any exercise that would make my arms thicker but I do lots of walking partly because I think it will make my legs thicker giving the illusion of wider hips,
-When I was really young after I had to stop hanging with the girls it took me a while to figure out how boy society worked because when I was hanging with the girls in year 3 the boys seemed like the ‘others' especially when eating lunch I always hang at the girls table and avoided sitting at the boys table because they were the ‘others',
-In 9th grade I always said that the girls intimidated me which everyone said was weird,
-I really wish there was a way to be 100% sure that I am a girl because I really hope I am one because when I didnt realise that I probably was one life felt like shit,
-Whenever someone called me female like I always secretly felt pride but I didnt tell them I did ( for example when my block mates at uni said your acting like a girl when I was being stubburn I thought “yes there is a reason for that”),
-I really enjoy stories where males turn into females and I watch tv shows and read stories about it and it makes me feel good in my chest,
-I had a teacher once that hated boys but she really liked me,
-In the 9th grade girls commented that I didnt think like “other boys” on a few occasions,
-My dad once bribed me to cut my hair but afterwards I felt immediate regret so I grew it back and never let him cut it again also I had nightmares about my hair getting cut and I really want to keep it long because its the only piece of femaleness I can express without to many questions,
-Now whenever I look at old pictures with me with short hair I think it looks really bad even though everyone else thinks it looks better than my long hair and they constantly try to convince me to make it short again,
-I have really skinny arms and I really like the look of my skinny arms,
-I sometimes think my hands are too big (however I am not sure how they would look smaller),
-I always thought my skin was to rough,
-I never liked body hair (at least not the amount I have),
-Sometimes I think my body proportions are a bit off,
-When I stood in the mirror and tryed my best to make it look like I had female hips I thought it looked right ( this is important because I was worried that I might not like the look of female hips on me but when I did it it looked good and I wasnt expecting that but I am happy about this),
-When I am naked in the bathroom I always used to put my dick bettween my legs so I couldnt see it and when I did that I thought it looked better,
-When I have doubts I get really upset but when I feel sure I am a girl I feel really happy,
-The thought of staying a boy makes me want to die,
-I dont like the gender expectations put on me as my biological sex,
-Before I realised I was probably trans I felt that something was really wrong and the world was really dark and the idea of removing all emotions sounded good to me at that time I thought while watching Doctor who that cyberconversion sounds pretty good,
-I have always believed even from a young age that being called manly was an insult,
-The SAGE test said I was trans with a very androgynous personality,
-I put clothes in my shirt to make it look like I had breasts and I thought it looked really good,
-The COGIATI TEST said that I am trans,
-I have had dreams about becoming a girl and they make me really happy when I have them and I always like to have those dreams,
-I always act robotic and emotionless because inside I am screaming constantly (and the only way I get relief is if I suppress all feelings),
-I now believe that my anxiety and depression may have been the effects of these feelings bleeding through my mental barriers because anti depressants never worked as well as they should,
-My brain stopped working correctly at puberty and I saw a considerable decrease in intelligence as well as an increase in unhappiness however the using the 1351z brang back my intelligence and I understood something instantly that I was trying to understand for ages beforehand,
-I have also seen a decrease in the other anxiety problems after I worked out I was a girl,
-Sometimes I look at my legs and think they are too close together,
-When I was very young I used to sit down to urinate for a long time because I thought standing up was yucky but then when people realised I was doing this they told me I had to stand up,
-When I pull my hair back I think my jaw looks big and ugly,
-When I got a female hip to waist ratio from walking I felt really proud of myself,
-When I feel worried about certain female body parts I often learn that my mind was imagining them the wrong way for example when I was worried about the different jaw my mind thought girls had a huge overbite but I know thats not true but my imagination was malfunctioning my imagination often completely overexadurates features and that makes me anxious but usually when I imagine them properly I like the girl features,
-my doubts can be explained by my OCD because I have had similar mental battles wirth it in the past about other things,
-after a day of being confused and worried I cried about how my anxieties were trying to take this away from me because when I first worked out that I was a girl I felt clear for the first time in years but now my anxieties and confusion are confusing me, I doubt a boy would react in this way,
-I figured out that most of my fears were not fears of being a girl but they were fears of not wanting to be a girl,
-I did a mental experiment where if a doctor told me I was a girl I would be happier than I have ever been but if they told me I wasn't I would be sadder than I have ever been,
-When I feel unsure about what I want reassuring myself that I must want to be a girl makes me feel better,
-Using faceapp to morph my face to a female face usually makes it look better as long as it doesnt change it too much for example sometimes it makes the eyes bigger and that looks rediculus but when it doesnt do stuff like that it usually looks a whole lot better than my male face,
-No matter how much I worry, no matter how much I ask “do I really want x body part”, no matter how much I whatever I still come back to the conclusion that I want to be a girl eventually,
You would think that having wide hips would be wierd but after I made my hips wider with selective excercise they look better somehow even though on paper you would think it was strange,
-although I dont want to look like every girl I see sometimes I see a girl that I would like to look something like,
-I have noticed many ways in which my brain is similar to female brains for example I take a long time to feel attracted to someone while males will feel attracted to someone as soon as they see them females generally take longer,
-I have also noticed my sex drive is more like a girls because I dont really like porn videos they make me feel uncomfortable, I would much rather read about what is happening this is also similar to females I also am turned on alot more with emotions rather than just animalistic behaviours,
-thinking of myself as a guy has become intollerable,
-I have always thought of testosterone as an illness and I tried to purge my mind of its effects when I was young and I somewhat successful,
-boys around me were always proud of their penises for some reason and I didnt know why I thought my dick was just this useless thing that pumps poision into my body that slowly turns me into a “nenderthal” and gives me disgusting compulsions that is why I wanted it removed although I could not get it removed I rebelled against the compulsions and said “NO” and I suppressed the testosterone to the point that it had little effect over my mind (and this happened even before I knew I wanted to be a girl),
-although I do have sexual thoughts about being a guy I have always fought against them because I always had the belief that they were disgusting and wrong,
-I have heard that boys brains are better at simulating and girls brains are better at remembering, when I was young I was very good at both but when puberty hit I got worse at both of them but when I did the experiment with 1351hz (estrogen frequency) these abilities came back and I felt like fog had been cleared,
-my mum said I cant change until I become a functional human being because if I change now people will kill me and after that I started to feel feelings of hatred and revenge against the whole human species,
-when my doubts get to high I start wanting to fucking kill myself,
-before I worked out I was trans I constantly felt angry or sad or depressed or anxious,
-when my mum told me I cant transistion (until I become a functional human being) I started feeling like I wanted to die and life didnt matter and I felt angry at all humans and I felt like all humans needed to go extinct and I once again started feeling emotionally dead,
-there was 1 year in the last 6 years that I felt happy but during that year but I still tried to turn myself into a girl during that time,
-during my teen years I considered sex to be disgusting and I constantly fought against my sex drive eventually I started masterbating to try to manage (to trick my brain into thinking that I was sexually active so it would leave me be) my sex drive I considered the mental effects of puberty to be a corruption of my brain that I needed to defeat and I often get angry that my testosterone messes with me and I HATE BEING MESSED WITH I often feel like I am being mind controlled by my hormones (at the time I didnt know this had anything to do with my gender I just thought I was mental),
-most of the time when I am confused I try to prove to mysel f that I am a girl, and when I cant or I get to confused to do that I get upset but when I am sure I am a girl I am happy so I must want to be a girl deep down,
In the past I have gotten so worried about the changes and so unsure about everything that I go back to being a guy and for a little while that gives me a sense of relief but then I get sadder and sadder until I cry and go back to being a girl,
-I feel gender Euphoria the same way as other trans girls describe it when people reassure me that I am a girl and everything will be ok,
-no matter how many times I doubt it I always come back to the conclusion that I must be a girl,
-I think it looks much better when I tuck my dick bettween my legs so I cant see it,
-when I thought I was a boy bettween the waves I didnt really feel like a boy I felt what people now call 'Agender' but I just called myself a boy for convience there were very few times where I felt like 'one of the guys',
-when i found a new tv show I liked I always looked to see if there were gender change episodes,
-I watched gender change episodes of random TV shows even if the TV show was crap and I always consumed media about boys turning into girls,
-I didnt want to date girls alot of the time because it felt wrong because I thought they were still my peers somehow and at the time I rationalised it that it must be a biproduct of hanging with them when I was a kid (however there were times where i did consider dating girls but I never went through with it or maybe I did try once but It didnt work and I didnt try again but my opinion on dating has been all over the place but I have been mostly against it and for a while everyone occasionally asked me if I was gay),
-the idea of having sex as a guy upsets me a lot most of the time if I did it I think I might cry,
-I have become desensitized to looking at myself in the mirror but if I look at myself from a slightly different angle through pictures or using a video monitecamera it makes me sick and I think I look like a monster and then I get really uncomfortable and then shun the video monitor and feel horrible and feel sad,
-I am begining to notice how different I am to the boys particulally my closest genetic male relative jordan,
-I suppressed my feminine emotional side actively Regecting anything girly and I sort of adopted the persona of someone with no feelings by copying creatures that have none like daleks, cybermen, and replicators and made those creatures my role models and actively showed distrain for emotion and became cruel to anyone who showed feelings but when I was alone my more female side came out and I felt emotions like love especially when reading or watching an emotional story that hits close to home,
-for all my life I felt different and I tried to find people like me but I couldnt and I felt very alone through my childhood and as a child I didnt think I was human and during my teenage years I believed I was a broken human being and my brain was just fucked up and I became bitter and sad,
-I do not share a fixation on my penis that boys seem to have I just dont care if my dick is small its not an insult to me in fact I like the idea of people saying its small because it makes me think I am more female like,
-the first time I masturbated it really hurt,
-when I put my hair In pig tails I liked it but when I did it I noticed how big and ugly my hands were,
-I seem to only feel alot of doubt when I have been feeling anxious when I am not anxious I am pretty sure of myself
-most of the time I dont see a boy when I look in the mirror when I look in thd mirror I am very confused by what I see and cant tell if its a boy or a girl (however sometimes I see a boy and sometimes I see a girl),
-I dont like my wide sholders,
-I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I see my penis and I dont like touching it when I pee for some reason so I usually pee either sitting or I pee standing up but without holding my penis,
-I dont persue girls or sex the way the boys do because my motivation for such things is minimal and persuing girls like that feels wrong to me it feels like I am somehow disrespecting them or abusing them,
-when I have doubts I always come back to the conclusion that I am a girl eventually,
DOUBTS
-Ever since I learnt I have gender dysphoria i have been noticing it more which makes me question if its a placebo effect
-I have a transformation fetish and have always been fascinated with the concept of someone changing into something else and I used to think my trans feelings were just an extension of that and when I was a child I really liked movies about people turning into animals and stuff (but I never wanted to turn into an animal I was just fascinated by the concept),
-sometimes I feel really confused about what I want and I feel confused and usure as to what I am,
-when my dysphoria goes away I sometimes feel really unsure and scared of the changes that will happen to my body (but that I believe has to do with the fact that I fear change because I have Autism and Anxiety and when my dysphoria goes away imagining/trying to make the changes doesnt bring me relief the same way it does when I am feeling dysphoric, because change has always been the 1 thing that scares me and makes me uncomfortable more than anything else),
-sometimes the female faces faceapp makes out of my face scare me but othertimes I like them,
-sometimes I feel unsure about having boobs but other times I feel sure that I will like it,
-sometimes I think I might just be crazy and have some kind of body dissociative disorder,
-sometimes I have moments of weakness where I feel unsure about becoming a girl and I wonder whether its what I really want (but after that I always decide that I do want to be a girl but I become very anxious because I have those weak moments and it makes me worry that I might not be a girl then I start to panic and become very upset),
submitted by primeval15429 to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2018.02.02 22:23 primeval15429 I am pretty sure I am transgender but I cant seem to shake the doubts and because I have OCD aswell im going nuts

I am pretty sure I am transgender but I cant seem to shake the doubts and because I have OCD aswell im going nuts some advice would be greatly appreciated here is my evidence:
EVIDENCE THAT I AM TRANSGENDER:
-Trying to turn myself into a girl using magic and sublimimal messaging designed to change me into a girl(because I am crazy and I can make myself believe anything when I am desperate, I do this almost every other week),
-Using birthday wishes to try to turn myself into a girl,
-Playing as female characters on computer games almost exclusively to try to alleviate these feelings,
-Being disgusted by testosterone and actively trying to find ways to reduce it in my body even going to far as to try to convince a doctor to cut my balls off when I was 14,
-A belief that muscle mass is disgusting (this belief came as I went through puberty I didnt really have this belief when I was really young),
-Growing my hair out and avoiding the question when people asked why,
-A complete disintrest in persuing sexual relations with anyone,
-Using isochronronic frequency 1351hz ( estrogen production) alleviated my anxiety and depression almost completely and all perscribed anti depressants were only semi effective,
-I have had anxiety all my life but it got signifficantly worse during and after puberty, ubject m
-When I was a child I had a high pitched voice and I liked it but when I got older it lowered and I hated not having a high pitched voice,
-I hate being called handsome,
-I always believed I was ugly despite other people saying that I am not,
-I have always believed myself to be different than my peers somehow when I was a child I claimed to be the sole member of my own species to express these feelings,
-I liked shaving my legs,
-I liked shaving my arm pits,
-While the boys were interested in having sex with girls I was more interested in what it would like to be one,
-When I was 13 for a long time my nipples really hurt when they were touched,
-I have cried about being a boy on a few occasions,
-I have been having these feelings for about 6 years,
-I never looked after my appearance because I didnt think putting on nice clothes or washing myself would make me any less disgusting ( I especially hated it when people say that if I take care of my appearance Id feel better),
-When I realised that I am probably a girl my thoughts of suicide stopped but when I started doubting this my suicidal thoughts came back almost immediately,
-I feel alot happier when I feel sure that I am a girl and my mind sometimes feels clearer too,
-Thinking that I am not a girl makes me sad most of the time,
-When I was very young I liked to put towls around me the girl way and look at myself in the mirror but when other people came I put it the the towl around the boy way,
-One of the main reasons I didnt consume alcohol was because I thought that the confidence would make me reveal the secret and I didnt know how people would take it,
-regularly fantasizing about being a girl,
-Writting stories where one of the main themes are males turning into females,
-When I have doubts I try my best to prove that I am a girl to myself this means that I must want to be one if I am willing to go through all this confusion and stress to be one,
-If I was given the option to be happy as a boy or be a girl I would still be a girl(most of time when I am not worrying about whether I am wrong),
-Normal people dont usually ask the question "am I transgender?",
-Sometimes visualising myself as a girl makes me feel good,
-When I was really young I really liked hanging with the girls then as I got older I was really hurt when they didnt want me around them anymore,
-Imagining more weight on my chest makes me feel good,
-Having sex from the male perspective sounds disgusting but having sex from the female perspective often sounds pretty good,
-I have thought about mutilating my genitals alot trying to think of the least painful way to do it,
-No matter how many times I convince myself that being a girl is a bad Idea the desire always returns eventually/ no matter how many times I dismiss this question it always comes back at some point,
-When I started going through puberty I was very upset about it but at the time I thought that everyone just hated going through puberty,
-I have always hated doing really masculine activities like motorbike riding, sports, metal and woodwork ect. And when given the choice these and something like home ec or sewing I would always choose home ec or sewing,
-My ideal romantic relationship should I choose to have one was one where I would perform the stereotypically female role like being protected and with holding sex to get what I want ect.,
-Alot of the time I found it very hard to relate to my male friends on some issues particularly issues involving sex but also issues pretaining to the correct way to behave,
-My coldness and emotional detachment are a conditioned responce that I taught myself when I was very young I would cry when I saw someone else cry,
-When I cry and my mum tells me boys dont cry I want to scream at her “I dont want to be a boy”,
-I avoid any exercise that would make my arms thicker but I do lots of walking partly because I think it will make my legs thicker giving the illusion of wider hips,
-When I was really young after I had to stop hanging with the girls it took me a while to figure out how boy society worked because when I was hanging with the girls in year 3 the boys seemed like the ‘others' especially when eating lunch I always hang at the girls table and avoided sitting at the boys table because they were the ‘others',
-In 9th grade I always said that the girls intimidated me which everyone said was weird,
-I really wish there was a way to be 100% sure that I am a girl because I really hope I am one because when I didnt realise that I probably was one life felt like shit,
-Whenever someone called me female like I always secretly felt pride but I didnt tell them I did ( for example when my block mates at uni said your acting like a girl when I was being stubburn I thought “yes there is a reason for that”),
-I really enjoy stories where males turn into females and I watch tv shows and read stories about it and it makes me feel good in my chest,
-I had a teacher once that hated boys but she really liked me,
-In the 9th grade girls commented that I didnt think like “other boys” on a few occasions,
-My dad once bribed me to cut my hair but afterwards I felt immediate regret so I grew it back and never let him cut it again also I had nightmares about my hair getting cut and I really want to keep it long because its the only piece of femaleness I can express without to many questions,
-Now whenever I look at old pictures with me with short hair I think it looks really bad even though everyone else thinks it looks better than my long hair and they constantly try to convince me to make it short again,
-I have really skinny arms and I really like the look of my skinny arms,
-I sometimes think my hands are too big (however I am not sure how they would look smaller),
-I always thought my skin was to rough,
-I never liked body hair (at least not the amount I have),
-Sometimes I think my body proportions are a bit off,
-When I stood in the mirror and tryed my best to make it look like I had female hips I thought it looked right ( this is important because I was worried that I might not like the look of female hips on me but when I did it it looked good and I wasnt expecting that but I am happy about this),
-When I am naked in the bathroom I always used to put my dick bettween my legs so I couldnt see it and when I did that I thought it looked better,
-When I have doubts I get really upset but when I feel sure I am a girl I feel really happy,
-The thought of staying a boy makes me want to die,
-I dont like the gender expectations put on me as my biological sex,
-Before I realised I was probably trans I felt that something was really wrong and the world was really dark and the idea of removing all emotions sounded good to me at that time I thought while watching Doctor who that cyberconversion sounds pretty good,
-I have always believed even from a young age that being called manly was an insult,
-The SAGE test said I was trans with a very androgynous personality,
-I put clothes in my shirt to make it look like I had breasts and I thought it looked really good,
-The COGIATI TEST said that I am trans,
-I have had dreams about becoming a girl and they make me really happy when I have them and I always like to have those dreams,
-I always act robotic and emotionless because inside I am screaming constantly (and the only way I get relief is if I suppress all feelings),
-I now believe that my anxiety and depression may have been the effects of these feelings bleeding through my mental barriers because anti depressants never worked as well as they should,
-My brain stopped working correctly at puberty and I saw a considerable decrease in intelligence as well as an increase in unhappiness however the using the 1351z brang back my intelligence and I understood something instantly that I was trying to understand for ages beforehand,
-I have also seen a decrease in the other anxiety problems after I worked out I was a girl,
-Sometimes I look at my legs and think they are too close together,
-When I was very young I used to sit down to urinate for a long time because I thought standing up was yucky but then when people realised I was doing this they told me I had to stand up,
-When I pull my hair back I think my jaw looks big and ugly,
-When I got a female hip to waist ratio from walking I felt really proud of myself,
-When I feel worried about certain female body parts I often learn that my mind was imagining them the wrong way for example when I was worried about the different jaw my mind thought girls had a huge overbite but I know thats not true but my imagination was malfunctioning my imagination often completely overexadurates features and that makes me anxious but usually when I imagine them properly I like the girl features,
-my doubts can be explained by my OCD because I have had similar mental battles wirth it in the past about other things,
-after a day of being confused and worried I cried about how my anxieties were trying to take this away from me because when I first worked out that I was a girl I felt clear for the first time in years but now my anxieties and confusion are confusing me, I doubt a boy would react in this way,
-I figured out that most of my fears were not fears of being a girl but they were fears of not wanting to be a girl,
-I did a mental experiment where if a doctor told me I was a girl I would be happier than I have ever been but if they told me I wasn't I would be sadder than I have ever been,
-When I feel unsure about what I want reassuring myself that I must want to be a girl makes me feel better,
-Using faceapp to morph my face to a female face usually makes it look better as long as it doesnt change it too much for example sometimes it makes the eyes bigger and that looks rediculus but when it doesnt do stuff like that it usually looks a whole lot better than my male face,
-No matter how much I worry, no matter how much I ask “do I really want x body part”, no matter how much I whatever I still come back to the conclusion that I want to be a girl eventually,
You would think that having wide hips would be wierd but after I made my hips wider with selective excercise they look better somehow even though on paper you would think it was strange,
-although I dont want to look like every girl I see sometimes I see a girl that I would like to look something like,
-I have noticed many ways in which my brain is similar to female brains for example I take a long time to feel attracted to someone while males will feel attracted to someone as soon as they see them females generally take longer,
-I have also noticed my sex drive is more like a girls because I dont really like porn videos they make me feel uncomfortable, I would much rather read about what is happening this is also similar to females I also am turned on alot more with emotions rather than just animalistic behaviours,
-thinking of myself as a guy has become intollerable,
-I have always thought of testosterone as an illness and I tried to purge my mind of its effects when I was young and I somewhat successful,
-boys around me were always proud of their penises for some reason and I didnt know why I thought my dick was just this useless thing that pumps poision into my body that slowly turns me into a “nenderthal” and gives me disgusting compulsions that is why I wanted it removed although I could not get it removed I rebelled against the compulsions and said “NO” and I suppressed the testosterone to the point that it had little effect over my mind (and this happened even before I knew I wanted to be a girl),
-although I do have sexual thoughts about being a guy I have always fought against them because I always had the belief that they were disgusting and wrong,
-I have heard that boys brains are better at simulating and girls brains are better at remembering, when I was young I was very good at both but when puberty hit I got worse at both of them but when I did the experiment with 1351hz (estrogen frequency) these abilities came back and I felt like fog had been cleared,
-my mum said I cant change until I become a functional human being because if I change now people will kill me and after that I started to feel feelings of hatred and revenge against the whole human species,
-when my doubts get to high I start wanting to fucking kill myself,
-before I worked out I was trans I constantly felt angry or sad or depressed or anxious,
-when my mum told me I cant transistion (until I become a functional human being) I started feeling like I wanted to die and life didnt matter and I felt angry at all humans and I felt like all humans needed to go extinct and I once again started feeling emotionally dead,
-there was 1 year in the last 6 years that I felt happy but during that year but I still tried to turn myself into a girl during that time,
-during my teen years I considered sex to be disgusting and I constantly fought against my sex drive eventually I started masterbating to try to manage (to trick my brain into thinking that I was sexually active so it would leave me be) my sex drive I considered the mental effects of puberty to be a corruption of my brain that I needed to defeat and I often get angry that my testosterone messes with me and I HATE BEING MESSED WITH I often feel like I am being mind controlled by my hormones (at the time I didnt know this had anything to do with my gender I just thought I was mental),
-most of the time when I am confused I try to prove to mysel f that I am a girl, and when I cant or I get to confused to do that I get upset but when I am sure I am a girl I am happy so I must want to be a girl deep down,
In the past I have gotten so worried about the changes and so unsure about everything that I go back to being a guy and for a little while that gives me a sense of relief but then I get sadder and sadder until I cry and go back to being a girl,
-I feel gender Euphoria the same way as other trans girls describe it when people reassure me that I am a girl and everything will be ok,
-no matter how many times I doubt it I always come back to the conclusion that I must be a girl,
-I think it looks much better when I tuck my dick bettween my legs so I cant see it,
-when I thought I was a boy bettween the waves I didnt really feel like a boy I felt what people now call 'Agender' but I just called myself a boy for convience there were very few times where I felt like 'one of the guys',
-when i found a new tv show I liked I always looked to see if there were gender change episodes,
-I watched gender change episodes of random TV shows even if the TV show was crap and I always consumed media about boys turning into girls,
-I didnt want to date girls alot of the time because it felt wrong because I thought they were still my peers somehow and at the time I rationalised it that it must be a biproduct of hanging with them when I was a kid (however there were times where i did consider dating girls but I never went through with it or maybe I did try once but It didnt work and I didnt try again but my opinion on dating has been all over the place but I have been mostly against it and for a while everyone occasionally asked me if I was gay),
-the idea of having sex as a guy upsets me a lot most of the time if I did it I think I might cry,
-I have become desensitized to looking at myself in the mirror but if I look at myself from a slightly different angle through pictures or using a video monitecamera it makes me sick and I think I look like a monster and then I get really uncomfortable and then shun the video monitor and feel horrible and feel sad,
-I am begining to notice how different I am to the boys particulally my closest genetic male relative jordan,
-I suppressed my feminine emotional side actively Regecting anything girly and I sort of adopted the persona of someone with no feelings by copying creatures that have none like daleks, cybermen, and replicators and made those creatures my role models and actively showed distrain for emotion and became cruel to anyone who showed feelings but when I was alone my more female side came out and I felt emotions like love especially when reading or watching an emotional story that hits close to home,
-for all my life I felt different and I tried to find people like me but I couldnt and I felt very alone through my childhood and as a child I didnt think I was human and during my teenage years I believed I was a broken human being and my brain was just fucked up and I became bitter and sad,
-I do not share a fixation on my penis that boys seem to have I just dont care if my dick is small its not an insult to me in fact I like the idea of people saying its small because it makes me think I am more female like,
-the first time I masturbated it really hurt,
-when I put my hair In pig tails I liked it but when I did it I noticed how big and ugly my hands were,
-I seem to only feel alot of doubt when I have been feeling anxious when I am not anxious I am pretty sure of myself
-most of the time I dont see a boy when I look in the mirror when I look in thd mirror I am very confused by what I see and cant tell if its a boy or a girl (however sometimes I see a boy and sometimes I see a girl),
-I dont like my wide sholders,
-I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I see my penis and I dont like touching it when I pee for some reason so I usually pee either sitting or I pee standing up but without holding my penis,
-I dont persue girls or sex the way the boys do because my motivation for such things is minimal and persuing girls like that feels wrong to me it feels like I am somehow disrespecting them or abusing them,
-when I have doubts I always come back to the conclusion that I am a girl eventually,
DOUBTS
-Ever since I learnt I have gender dysphoria i have been noticing it more which makes me question if its a placebo effect
-I have a transformation fetish and have always been fascinated with the concept of someone changing into something else and I used to think my trans feelings were just an extension of that and when I was a child I really liked movies about people turning into animals and stuff (but I never wanted to turn into an animal I was just fascinated by the concept),
-sometimes I feel really confused about what I want and I feel confused and usure as to what I am,
-when my dysphoria goes away I sometimes feel really unsure and scared of the changes that will happen to my body (but that I believe has to do with the fact that I fear change because I have Autism and Anxiety and when my dysphoria goes away imagining/trying to make the changes doesnt bring me relief the same way it does when I am feeling dysphoric, because change has always been the 1 thing that scares me and makes me uncomfortable more than anything else),
-sometimes the female faces faceapp makes out of my face scare me but othertimes I like them,
-sometimes I feel unsure about having boobs but other times I feel sure that I will like it,
-sometimes I think I might just be crazy and have some kind of body dissociative disorder,
submitted by primeval15429 to LGBTAustralia [link] [comments]


2017.12.31 07:22 primeval15429 Im pretty sure I am a trans girl but I feel a bit uncertain could I have some second opinions?

EVIDENCE THAT I AM TRANSGENDER:
-Trying to turn myself into a girl using magic and sublimimal messaging designed to change me into a girl(because I am crazy and I can make myself believe anything when I am desperate, I do this almost every other week),
-Using birthday wishes to try to turn myself into a girl,
-Playing as female characters on computer games almost exclusively to try to alleviate these feelings,
-Being disgusted by testosterone and actively trying to find ways to reduce it in my body even going to far as to try to convince a doctor to cut my balls off when I was 14,
-A belief that muscle mass is disgusting (this belief came as I went through puberty I didnt really have this belief when I was really young),
-Growing my hair out and avoiding the question when people asked why,
-A complete disintrest in persuing sexual relations with anyone,
-Using isochronronic frequency 1351hz ( estrogen production) alleviated my anxiety and depression almost completely and all perscribed anti depressants were only semi effective,
-I have had anxiety all my life but it got signifficantly worse during and after puberty,
-When I was a child I had a high pitched voice and I liked it but when I got older it lowered and I hated not having a high pitched voice,
-I hate being called handsome,
-I always believed I was ugly despite other people saying that I am not,
-I have always believed myself to be different than my peers somehow when I was a child I claimed to be the sole member of my own species to express these feelings,
-I liked shaving my legs,
-I liked shaving my arm pits,
-While the boys were interested in having sex with girls I was more interested in what it would like to be one,
-When I was 13 for a long time my nipples really hurt when they were touched,
-I have cried about being a boy on a few occasions,
-I have been having these feelings for about 6 years,
-I never looked after my appearance because I didnt think putting on nice clothes or washing myself would make me any less disgusting ( I especially hated it when people say that if I take care of my appearance Id feel better),
-When I realised that I am probably a girl my thoughts of suicide stopped but when I started doubting this my suicidal thoughts came back almost immediately,
-I feel alot happier when I feel sure that I am a girl and my mind sometimes feels clearer too,
-Thinking that I am not a girl makes me sad most of the time,
-When I was very young I liked to put towls around me the girl way and look at myself in the mirror but when other people came I put it the the towl around the boy way,
-One of the main reasons I didnt consume alcohol was because I thought that the confidence would make me reveal the secret and I didnt know how people would take it,
-regularly fantasizing about being a girl,
-Writting stories where one of the main themes are males turning into females,
-When I have doubts I try my best to prove that I am a girl to myself this means that I must want to be one if I am willing to go through all this confusion and stress to be one,
-If I was given the option to be happy as a boy or be a girl I would still be a girl(most of time when I am not worrying about whether I am wrong),
-Normal people dont usually ask the question "am I transgender?",
-Sometimes visualising myself as a girl makes me feel good,
-When I was really young I really liked hanging with the girls then as I got older I was really hurt when they didnt want me around them anymore,
-Imagining more weight on my chest makes me feel good,
-Having sex from the male perspective sounds disgusting but having sex from the female perspective often sounds pretty good,
-I have thought about mutilating my genitals alot trying to think of the least painful way to do it,
-No matter how many times I convince myself that being a girl is a bad Idea the desire always returns eventually/ no matter how many times I dismiss this question it always comes back at some point,
-When I started going through puberty I was very upset about it but at the time I thought that everyone just hated going through puberty,
-I have always hated doing really masculine activities like motorbike riding, sports, metal and woodwork ect. And when given the choice these and something like home ec or sewing I would always choose home ec or sewing,
-My ideal romantic relationship should I choose to have one was one where I would perform the stereotypically female role like being protected and with holding sex to get what I want ect.,
-Alot of the time I found it very hard to relate to my male friends on some issues particularly issues involving sex but also issues pretaining to the correct way to behave,
-My coldness and emotional detachment are a conditioned responce that I taught myself when I was very young I would cry when I saw someone else cry,
-When I cry and my mum tells me boys dont cry I want to scream at her “I dont want to be a boy”,
-I avoid any exercise that would make my arms thicker but I do lots of walking partly because I think it will make my legs thicker giving the illusion of wider hips,
-When I was really young after I had to stop hanging with the girls it took me a while to figure out how boy society worked because when I was hanging with the girls in year 3 the boys seemed like the ‘others' especially when eating lunch I always hang at the girls table and avoided sitting at the boys table because they were the ‘others',
-In 9th grade I always said that the girls intimidated me which everyone said was weird,
-I really wish there was a way to be 100% sure that I am a girl because I really hope I am one because when I didnt realise that I probably was one life felt like shit,
-Whenever someone called me female like I always secretly felt pride but I didnt tell them I did ( for example when my block mates at uni said your acting like a girl when I was being stubburn I thought “yes there is a reason for that”),
-I really enjoy stories where males turn into females and I watch tv shows and read stories about it and it makes me feel good in my chest,
-I had a teacher once that hated boys but she really liked me,
-In the 9th grade girls commented that I didnt think like “other boys” on a few occasions,
-My dad once bribed me to cut my hair but afterwards I felt immediate regret so I grew it back and never let him cut it again also I had nightmares about my hair getting cut and I really want to keep it long because its the only piece of femaleness I can express without to many questions,
-Now whenever I look at old pictures with me with short hair I think it looks really bad even though everyone else thinks it looks better than my long hair and they constantly try to convince me to make it short again,
-I have really skinny arms and I really like the look of my skinny arms,
-I sometimes think my hands are too big (however I am not sure how they would look smaller),
-I always thought my skin was to rough,
-I never liked body hair (at least not the amount I have),
-Sometimes I think my body proportions are a bit off,
-When I stood in the mirror and tryed my best to make it look like I had female hips I thought it looked right ( this is important because I was worried that I might not like the look of female hips on me but when I did it it looked good and I wasnt expecting that but I am happy about this),
-When I am naked in the bathroom I always used to put my dick bettween my legs so I couldnt see it and when I did that I thought it looked better,
-When I have doubts I get really upset but when I feel sure I am a girl I feel really happy,
-The thought of staying a boy makes me want to die,
-I dont like the gender expectations put on me as my biological sex,
-Before I realised I was probably trans I felt that something was really wrong and the world was really dark and the idea of removing all emotions sounded good to me at that time I thought while watching Doctor who that cyberconversion sounds pretty good,
-I have always believed even from a young age that being called manly was an insult,
-The SAGE test said I was trans with a very androgynous personality,
-I put clothes in my shirt to make it look like I had breasts and I thought it looked really good,
-The COGIATI TEST said that I am trans,
-I have had dreams about becoming a girl and they make me really happy when I have them and I always like to have those dreams,
-I always act robotic and emotionless because inside I am screaming constantly (and the only way I get relief is if I suppress all feelings),
-I now believe that my anxiety and depression may have been the effects of these feelings bleeding through my mental barriers because anti depressants never worked as well as they should,
-My brain stopped working correctly at puberty and I saw a considerable decrease in intelligence as well as an increase in unhappiness however the using the 1351z brang back my intelligence and I understood something instantly that I was trying to understand for ages beforehand,
-I have also seen a decrease in the other anxiety problems after I worked out I was a girl,
-Sometimes I look at my legs and think they are too close together,
-When I was very young I used to sit down to urinate for a long time because I thought standing up was yucky but then when people realised I was doing this they told me I had to stand up,
-When I pull my hair back I think my jaw looks big and ugly,
-When I got a female hip to waist ratio from walking I felt really proud of myself,
-When I feel worried about certain female body parts I often learn that my mind was imagining them the wrong way for example when I was worried about the different jaw my mind thought girls had a huge overbite but I know thats not true but my imagination was malfunctioning my imagination often completely overexadurates features and that makes me anxious but usually when I imagine them properly I like the girl features,
-my doubts can be explained by my OCD because I have had similar mental battles wirth it in the past about other things,
-after a day of being confused and worried I cried about how my anxieties were trying to take this away from me because when I first worked out that I was a girl I felt clear for the first time in years but now my anxieties and confusion are confusing me, I doubt a boy would react in this way,
-I figured out that most of my fears were not fears of being a girl but they were fears of not wanting to be a girl,
-I did a mental experiment where if a doctor told me I was a girl I would be happier than I have ever been but if they told me I wasn't I would be sadder than I have ever been,
-When I feel unsure about what I want reassuring myself that I must want to be a girl makes me feel better,
-Using faceapp to morph my face to a female face usually makes it look better as long as it doesnt change it too much for example sometimes it makes the eyes bigger and that looks rediculus but when it doesnt do stuff like that it usually looks a whole lot better than my male face,
-No matter how much I worry, no matter how much I ask “do I really want x body part”, no matter how much I whatever I still come back to the conclusion that I want to be a girl eventually,
You would think that having wide hips would be wierd but after I made my hips wider with selective excercise they look better somehow even though on paper you would think it was strange,
-although I dont want to look like every girl I see sometimes I see a girl that I would like to look something like,
-I have noticed many ways in which my brain is similar to female brains for example I take a long time to feel attracted to someone while males will feel attracted to someone as soon as they see them females generally take longer,
-I have also noticed my sex drive is more like a girls because I dont really like porn videos they make me feel uncomfortable, I would much rather read about what is happening this is also similar to females I also am turned on alot more with emotions rather than just animalistic behaviours,
-thinking of myself as a guy has become intollerable,
-I have always thought of testosterone as an illness and I tried to purge my mind of its effects when I was young and I somewhat successful,
-boys around me were always proud of their penises for some reason and I didnt know why I thought my dick was just this useless thing that pumps poision into my body that slowly turns me into a “nenderthal” and gives me disgusting compulsions that is why I wanted it removed although I could not get it removed I rebelled against the compulsions and said “NO” and I suppressed the testosterone to the point that it had little effect over my mind (and this happened even before I knew I wanted to be a girl),
-although I do have sexual thoughts about being a guy I have always fought against them because I always had the belief that they were disgusting and wrong,
-I have heard that boys brains are better at simulating and girls brains are better at remembering, when I was young I was very good at both but when puberty hit I got worse at both of them but when I did the experiment with 1351hz (estrogen frequency) these abilities came back and I felt like fog had been cleared,
-my mum said I cant change until I become a functional human being because if I change now people will kill me and after that I started to feel feelings of hatred and revenge against the whole human species,
-when my doubts get to high I start wanting to fucking kill myself,
-before I worked out I was trans I constantly felt angry or sad or depressed or anxious,
-when my mum told me I cant transistion (until I become a functional human being) I started feeling like I wanted to die and life didnt matter and I felt angry at all humans and I felt like all humans needed to go extinct and I once again started feeling emotionally dead,
-there was 1 year in the last 6 years that I felt happy but during that year but I still tried to turn myself into a girl during that time,
-during my teen years I considered sex to be disgusting and I constantly fought against my sex drive eventually I started masterbating to try to manage (to trick my brain into thinking that I was sexually active so it would leave me be) my sex drive I considered the mental effects of puberty to be a corruption of my brain that I needed to defeat and I often get angry that my testosterone messes with me and I HATE BEING MESSED WITH I often feel like I am being mind controlled by my hormones (at the time I didnt know this had anything to do with my gender I just thought I was mental),
-most of the time when I am confused I try to prove to mysel f that I am a girl, and when I cant or I get to confused to do that I get upset but when I am sure I am a girl I am happy so I must want to be a girl deep down,
In the past I have gotten so worried about the changes and so unsure about everything that I go back to being a guy and for a little while that gives me a sense of relief but then I get sadder and sadder until I cry and go back to being a girl,
-I feel gender Euphoria the same way as other trans girls describe it when people reassure me that I am a girl and everything will be ok,
-no matter how many times I doubt it I always come back to the conclusion that I must be a girl,
-I think it looks much better when I tuck my dick bettween my legs so I cant see it,
-when I thought I was a boy bettween the waves I didnt really feel like a boy I felt what people now call 'Agender' but I just called myself a boy for convience there were very few times where I felt like 'one of the guys',
-when i found a new tv show I liked I always looked to see if there were gender change episodes,
-I watched gender change episodes of random TV shows even if the TV show was crap and I always consumed media about boys turning into girls,
-I didnt want to date girls alot of the time because it felt wrong because I thought they were still my peers somehow and at the time I rationalised it that it must be a biproduct of hanging with them when I was a kid (however there were times where i did consider dating girls but I never went through with it or maybe I did try once but It didnt work and I didnt try again but my opinion on dating has been all over the place but I have been mostly against it and for a while everyone occasionally asked me if I was gay),
-the idea of having sex as a guy upsets me a lot most of the time if I did it I think I might cry,
-I have become desensitized to looking at myself in the mirror but if I look at myself from a slightly different angle through pictures or using a video monitecamera it makes me sick and I think I look like a monster and then I get really uncomfortable and then shun the video monitor and feel horrible and feel sad,
-I am begining to notice how different I am to the boys particulally my closest genetic male relative jordan,
-I suppressed my feminine emotional side actively Regecting anything girly and I sort of adopted the persona of someone with no feelings by copying creatures that have none like daleks, cybermen, and replicators and made those creatures my role models and actively showed distrain for emotion and became cruel to anyone who showed feelings but when I was alone my more female side came out and I felt emotions like love especially when reading or watching an emotional story that hits close to home,
-for all my life I felt different and I tried to find people like me but I couldnt and I felt very alone through my childhood and as a child I didnt think I was human and during my teenage years I believed I was a broken human being and my brain was just fucked up and I became bitter and sad,
-I do not share a fixation on my penis that boys seem to have I just dont care if my dick is small its not an insult to me in fact I like the idea of people saying its small because it makes me think I am more female like,
-the first time I masturbated it really hurt,
-when I put my hair In pig tails I liked it but when I did it I noticed how big and ugly my hands were,
-I seem to only feel alot of doubt when I have been feeling anxious when I am not anxious I am pretty sure of myself
-most of the time I dont see a boy when I look in the mirror when I look in thd mirror I am very confused by what I see and cant tell if its a boy or a girl (however sometimes I see a boy and sometimes I see a girl),
-I dont like my wide sholders,
-I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I see my penis and I dont like touching it when I pee for some reason so I usually pee either sitting or I pee standing up but without holding my penis,
-I dont persue girls or sex the way the boys do because my motivation for such things is minimal and persuing girls like that feels wrong to me it feels like I am somehow disrespecting them or abusing them,
DOUBTS
I dont always feel dysphoric I go though small periods where I feel ok with having a male appearance (however this isnt often and over time has been occuring less and less often) but when this happends I feel very confused about what is going on,
When I put a beard filter over my face in faceapp one time I didnt get bad emotions from it even though usually I do and part of me told my that even though I dont want facial hair my face would look better with if it (perhaps if it was different persons face) even though I didnt want facial hair and when I had facial hair before I didnt like it, and this happend when I was on a period of low dysphoria after this happend I started to get very nervous because I didnt want to be a boy,
submitted by primeval15429 to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2017.12.27 07:18 primeval15429 Secret camera masterbation

Im confused because sometimes I have moments where I part of me thinks I look ok as a guy (although most of the time im not ok with looking like one like 99.99% of the time im not ok with it) and when this happends I get so confused I start to panic because I dont want to be a guy and I am obviously not cis because I have accumulated all this evidence (see bottom of post) so whats going on?
EVIDENCE THAT I AM TRANSGENDER:
-Trying to turn myself into a girl using magic and sublimimal messaging designed to change me into a girl(because I am crazy and I can make myself believe anything when I am desperate, I do this almost every other week),
-Using birthday wishes to try to turn myself into a girl,
-Playing as female characters on computer games almost exclusively to try to alleviate these feelings,
-Being disgusted by testosterone and actively trying to find ways to reduce it in my body even going to far as to try to convince a doctor to cut my balls off when I was 14,
-A belief that muscle mass is disgusting (this belief came as I went through puberty I didnt really have this belief when I was really young),
-Growing my hair out and avoiding the question when people asked why,
-A complete disintrest in persuing sexual relations with anyone,
-Using isochronronic frequency 1351hz ( estrogen production) alleviated my anxiety and depression almost completely and all perscribed anti depressants were only semi effective,
-I have had anxiety all my life but it got signifficantly worse during and after puberty,
-When I was a child I had a high pitched voice and I liked it but when I got older it lowered and I hated not having a high pitched voice,
-I hate being called handsome,
-I always believed I was ugly despite other people saying that I am not,
-I have always believed myself to be different than my peers somehow when I was a child I claimed to be the sole member of my own species to express these feelings,
-I liked shaving my legs,
-I liked shaving my arm pits,
-While the boys were interested in having sex with girls I was more interested in what it would like to be one,
-When I was 13 for a long time my nipples really hurt when they were touched,
-I have cried about being a boy on a few occasions,
-I have been having these feelings for about 6 years,
-I never looked after my appearance because I didnt think putting on nice clothes or washing myself would make me any less disgusting ( I especially hated it when people say that if I take care of my appearance Id feel better),
-When I realised that I am probably a girl my thoughts of suicide stopped but when I started doubting this my suicidal thoughts came back almost immediately,
-I feel alot happier when I feel sure that I am a girl and my mind sometimes feels clearer too,
-Thinking that I am not a girl makes me sad most of the time,
-When I was very young I liked to put towls around me the girl way and look at myself in the mirror but when other people came I put it the the towl around the boy way,
-One of the main reasons I didnt consume alcohol was because I thought that the confidence would make me reveal the secret and I didnt know how people would take it,
-regularly fantasizing about being a girl,
-Writting stories where one of the main themes are males turning into females,
-When I have doubts I try my best to prove that I am a girl to myself this means that I must want to be one if I am willing to go through all this confusion and stress to be one,
-If I was given the option to be happy as a boy or be a girl I would still be a girl(most of time when I am not worrying about whether I am wrong),
-Normal people dont usually ask the question "am I transgender?",
-Sometimes visualising myself as a girl makes me feel good,
-When I was really young I really liked hanging with the girls then as I got older I was really hurt when they didnt want me around them anymore,
-Imagining more weight on my chest makes me feel good,
-Having sex from the male perspective sounds disgusting but having sex from the female perspective often sounds pretty good,
-I have thought about mutilating my genitals alot trying to think of the least painful way to do it,
-No matter how many times I convince myself that being a girl is a bad Idea the desire always returns eventually/ no matter how many times I dismiss this question it always comes back at some point,
-When I started going through puberty I was very upset about it but at the time I thought that everyone just hated going through puberty,
-I have always hated doing really masculine activities like motorbike riding, sports, metal and woodwork ect. And when given the choice these and something like home ec or sewing I would always choose home ec or sewing,
-My ideal romantic relationship should I choose to have one was one where I would perform the stereotypically female role like being protected and with holding sex to get what I want ect.,
-Alot of the time I found it very hard to relate to my male friends on some issues particularly issues involving sex but also issues pretaining to the correct way to behave,
-My coldness and emotional detachment are a conditioned responce that I taught myself when I was very young I would cry when I saw someone else cry,
-When I cry and my mum tells me boys dont cry I want to scream at her “I dont want to be a boy”,
-I avoid any exercise that would make my arms thicker but I do lots of walking partly because I think it will make my legs thicker giving the illusion of wider hips,
-When I was really young after I had to stop hanging with the girls it took me a while to figure out how boy society worked because when I was hanging with the girls in year 3 the boys seemed like the ‘others' especially when eating lunch I always hang at the girls table and avoided sitting at the boys table because they were the ‘others',
-In 9th grade I always said that the girls intimidated me which everyone said was weird,
-I really wish there was a way to be 100% sure that I am a girl because I really hope I am one because when I didnt realise that I probably was one life felt like shit,
-Whenever someone called me female like I always secretly felt pride but I didnt tell them I did ( for example when my block mates at uni said your acting like a girl when I was being stubburn I thought “yes there is a reason for that”),
-I really enjoy stories where males turn into females and I watch tv shows and read stories about it and it makes me feel good in my chest,
-I had a teacher once that hated boys but she really liked me,
-In the 9th grade girls commented that I didnt think like “other boys” on a few occasions,
-My dad once bribed me to cut my hair but afterwards I felt immediate regret so I grew it back and never let him cut it again also I had nightmares about my hair getting cut and I really want to keep it long because its the only piece of femaleness I can express without to many questions,
-Now whenever I look at old pictures with me with short hair I think it looks really bad even though everyone else thinks it looks better than my long hair and they constantly try to convince me to make it short again,
-I have really skinny arms and I really like the look of my skinny arms,
-I sometimes think my hands are too big (however I am not sure how they would look smaller),
-I always thought my skin was to rough,
-I never liked body hair (at least not the amount I have),
-Sometimes I think my body proportions are a bit off,
-When I stood in the mirror and tryed my best to make it look like I had female hips I thought it looked right ( this is important because I was worried that I might not like the look of female hips on me but when I did it it looked good and I wasnt expecting that but I am happy about this),
-When I am naked in the bathroom I always used to put my dick bettween my legs so I couldnt see it and when I did that I thought it looked better,
-When I have doubts I get really upset but when I feel sure I am a girl I feel really happy,
-The thought of staying a boy makes me want to die,
-I dont like the gender expectations put on me as my biological sex,
-Before I realised I was probably trans I felt that something was really wrong and the world was really dark and the idea of removing all emotions sounded good to me at that time I thought while watching Doctor who that cyberconversion sounds pretty good,
-I have always believed even from a young age that being called manly was an insult,
-The SAGE test said I was trans with a very androgynous personality,
-I put clothes in my shirt to make it look like I had breasts and I thought it looked really good,
-The COGIATI TEST said that I am trans,
-I have had dreams about becoming a girl and they make me really happy when I have them and I always like to have those dreams,
-I always act robotic and emotionless because inside I am screaming constantly (and the only way I get relief is if I suppress all feelings),
-I now believe that my anxiety and depression may have been the effects of these feelings bleeding through my mental barriers because anti depressants never worked as well as they should,
-My brain stopped working correctly at puberty and I saw a considerable decrease in intelligence as well as an increase in unhappiness however the using the 1351z brang back my intelligence and I understood something instantly that I was trying to understand for ages beforehand,
-I have also seen a decrease in the other anxiety problems after I worked out I was a girl,
-Sometimes I look at my legs and think they are too close together,
-When I was very young I used to sit down to urinate for a long time because I thought standing up was yucky but then when people realised I was doing this they told me I had to stand up,
-When I pull my hair back I think my jaw looks big and ugly,
-When I got a female hip to waist ratio from walking I felt really proud of myself,
-When I feel worried about certain female body parts I often learn that my mind was imagining them the wrong way for example when I was worried about the different jaw my mind thought girls had a huge overbite but I know thats not true but my imagination was malfunctioning my imagination often completely overexadurates features and that makes me anxious but usually when I imagine them properly I like the girl features,
-my doubts can be explained by my OCD because I have had similar mental battles wirth it in the past about other things,
-after a day of being confused and worried I cried about how my anxieties were trying to take this away from me because when I first worked out that I was a girl I felt clear for the first time in years but now my anxieties and confusion are confusing me, I doubt a boy would react in this way,
-I figured out that most of my fears were not fears of being a girl but they were fears of not wanting to be a girl,
-I did a mental experiment where if a doctor told me I was a girl I would be happier than I have ever been but if they told me I wasn't I would be sadder than I have ever been,
-When I feel unsure about what I want reassuring myself that I must want to be a girl makes me feel better,
-Using faceapp to morph my face to a female face usually makes it look better as long as it doesnt change it too much for example sometimes it makes the eyes bigger and that looks rediculus but when it doesnt do stuff like that it usually looks a whole lot better than my male face,
-No matter how much I worry, no matter how much I ask “do I really want x body part”, no matter how much I whatever I still come back to the conclusion that I want to be a girl eventually,
You would think that having wide hips would be wierd but after I made my hips wider with selective excercise they look better somehow even though on paper you would think it was strange,
-although I dont want to look like every girl I see sometimes I see a girl that I would like to look something like,
-I have noticed many ways in which my brain is similar to female brains for example I take a long time to feel attracted to someone while males will feel attracted to someone as soon as they see them females generally take longer,
-I have also noticed my sex drive is more like a girls because I dont really like porn videos they make me feel uncomfortable, I would much rather read about what is happening this is also similar to females I also am turned on alot more with emotions rather than just animalistic behaviours,
-thinking of myself as a guy has become intollerable,
-I have always thought of testosterone as an illness and I tried to purge my mind of its effects when I was young and I somewhat successful,
-boys around me were always proud of their penises for some reason and I didnt know why I thought my dick was just this useless thing that pumps poision into my body that slowly turns me into a “nenderthal” and gives me disgusting compulsions that is why I wanted it removed although I could not get it removed I rebelled against the compulsions and said “NO” and I suppressed the testosterone to the point that it had little effect over my mind (and this happened even before I knew I wanted to be a girl),
-although I do have sexual thoughts about being a guy I have always fought against them because I always had the belief that they were disgusting and wrong,
-I have heard that boys brains are better at simulating and girls brains are better at remembering, when I was young I was very good at both but when puberty hit I got worse at both of them but when I did the experiment with 1351hz (estrogen frequency) these abilities came back and I felt like fog had been cleared,
-my mum said I cant change until I become a functional human being because if I change now people will kill me and after that I started to feel feelings of hatred and revenge against the whole human species,
-when my doubts get to high I start wanting to fucking kill myself,
-before I worked out I was trans I constantly felt angry or sad or depressed or anxious,
-when my mum told me I cant transistion (until I become a functional human being) I started feeling like I wanted to die and life didnt matter and I felt angry at all humans and I felt like all humans needed to go extinct and I once again started feeling emotionally dead,
-there was 1 year in the last 6 years that I felt happy but during that year but I still tried to turn myself into a girl during that time,
-during my teen years I considered sex to be disgusting and I constantly fought against my sex drive eventually I started masterbating to try to manage (to trick my brain into thinking that I was sexually active so it would leave me be) my sex drive I considered the mental effects of puberty to be a corruption of my brain that I needed to defeat and I often get angry that my testosterone messes with me and I HATE BEING MESSED WITH I often feel like I am being mind controlled by my hormones (at the time I didnt know this had anything to do with my gender I just thought I was mental),
-most of the time when I am confused I try to prove to mysel f that I am a girl, and when I cant or I get to confused to do that I get upset but when I am sure I am a girl I am happy so I must want to be a girl deep down,
In the past I have gotten so worried about the changes and so unsure about everything that I go back to being a guy and for a little while that gives me a sense of relief but then I get sadder and sadder until I cry and go back to being a girl,
-I feel gender Euphoria the same way as other trans girls describe it when people reassure me that I am a girl and everything will be ok,
-no matter how many times I doubt it I always come back to the conclusion that I must be a girl,
-I think it looks much better when I tuck my dick bettween my legs so I cant see it,
-when I thought I was a boy bettween the waves I didnt really feel like a boy I felt what people now call 'Agender' but I just called myself a boy for convience there were very few times where I felt like 'one of the guys',
-when i found a new tv show I liked I always looked to see if there were gender change episodes,
-I watched gender change episodes of random TV shows even if the TV show was crap and I always consumed media about boys turning into girls,
-I didnt want to date girls alot of the time because it felt wrong because I thought they were still my peers somehow and at the time I rationalised it that it must be a biproduct of hanging with them when I was a kid (however there were times where i did consider dating girls but I never went through with it or maybe I did try once but It didnt work and I didnt try again but my opinion on dating has been all over the place but I have been mostly against it and for a while everyone occasionally asked me if I was gay),
-the idea of having sex as a guy upsets me a lot most of the time if I did it I think I might cry,
-I have become desensitized to looking at myself in the mirror but if I look at myself from a slightly different angle through pictures or using a video monitecamera it makes me sick and I think I look like a monster and then I get really uncomfortable and then shun the video monitor and feel horrible and feel sad,
-I am begining to notice how different I am to the boys particulally my closest genetic male relative jordan,
-I suppressed my feminine emotional side actively Regecting anything girly and I sort of adopted the persona of someone with no feelings by copying creatures that have none like daleks, cybermen, and replicators and made those creatures my role models and actively showed distrain for emotion and became cruel to anyone who showed feelings but when I was alone my more female side came out and I felt emotions like love especially when reading or watching an emotional story that hits close to home,
-for all my life I felt different and I tried to find people like me but I couldnt and I felt very alone through my childhood and as a child I didnt think I was human and during my teenage years I believed I was a broken human being and my brain was just fucked up and I became bitter and sad,
-I do not share a fixation on my penis that boys seem to have I just dont care if my dick is small its not an insult to me in fact I like the idea of people saying its small because it makes me think I am more female like,
-the first time I masturbated it really hurt,
-when I put my hair In pig tails I liked it but when I did it I noticed how big and ugly my hands were,
-I seem to only feel alot of doubt when I have been feeling anxious when I am not anxious I am pretty sure of myself
-most of the time I dont see a boy when I look in the mirror when I look in thd mirror I am very confused by what I see and cant tell if its a boy or a girl (however sometimes I see a boy and sometimes I see a girl),
submitted by primeval15429 to MtF [link] [comments]