Secret webcam recorder

2020.10.26 22:35 FoggyGlassEye Secret webcam recorder

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
The Security Chief was still asleep in his cabin when Agent Kane knocked on the open door. “Sorry to wake you,” she said, tilting her head down to avoid hitting her head on the doorframe.
Chief Noble rubbed his eyes. “No worries. Not getting a lot of sleep these days.”
“Too much paperwork?” Kane joked, crossing her arms. Between missions, she’d seen how entirely not busy the security officers at the Facility were after the breach.
Noble picked up the open book that had been resting on his knee, dog-earing a page before closing it. “Legwork, actually. Not as much as you and yours, I’m sure, but still exhausting.”
“You’re damaging the pages when you do that,” Kane noted, pointing to the book. “Ruins the resale value.”
“Oh, I’m never getting rid of this,” Noble dismissed, staring at the cover. He set it down gently, then stood up. “Is she ready for me?”
“She’s always ready for anything,” Kane said defensively, “but the boss has an opening in her schedule. She’s a few cars ahead. Follow me.”
The train ran more smoothly than Kane expected. On the outside, it was dolled up to look like an average series of railroad cars, complete with worn metal and faded spray paint tags. Kane was told that the military had gutted genuine carriages and reworked the insides to not only run smoothly, but take a beating if attacked. Congress would have a fit if they knew how much the project had cost, but with how frequently the boss made use of the trains to move the kind of cargo they had, it was effectively an investment in national security.
She pulled the door to the next car open, stepping aside so Noble could walk ahead. He’d been stuck near the far end of the train, given a private cabin instead of a cot like Kane recommended. She didn’t know why the boss was giving him special treatment when Kane didn’t even get her own room, but she didn’t question the orders, either. Fighting impossible monsters with nothing but a temper and a battering ram was a risk she took whenever she was deployed, but questioning the boss was suicide.
Noble stepped into the next car quickly, but slowed his stride dramatically when he realized what was in the room. On both sides of the car were cells, ballistic glass containment units with steel bars holding them in place, each with a dozen people inside, all wearing gray prison uniforms.
Except, of course, they weren’t people. With scales ranging from green to orange to black, some with patterns and stripes along their exposed arms, they all seemed somewhat reptilian in nature. Their brows were ridged, their mouths wide. They had small slits above their mouths instead of noses. Most of them were thin, and even taller than Kane.
Noble slowed to a stop in front of the cells, staring inside. One of the creatures, who’d been sitting down, silently stood up and made his way to the glass. His scales were a dark green, black wavy lines visible on his arms. “Don’t you dare tap the glass,” it said, pointing a clawed hand at the Security Chief. Kane found it amusing whenever they talked to anyone, as they didn’t have nearly as intimidating a voice she expected; instead of dramatic hissing, they all had a slight lisp, which made tough talk hilarious to her.
“Why would I do that?” Noble asked.
The creature tilted its head. “Your kind loves to antagonize ours, like we’re in a zoo. We were the dominant species in our world before we found our way here. We don’t deserve-”
“Don’t lie to him,” Kane interrupted. “You weren’t the dominant species on your side of the Gateway- you ran through it to get away from the Bombardiers just like everyone else in these cells. If you had a tail, it’d be tucked between your legs.”
“I do have a tail, you ignorant bitch,” he snapped back. He lowered the back of his pants and a tail came slithering out. “We have to keep then in our pant legs because you keep the cells too cold, and you give us clothes tailored for humans!”
“You fuckers aren’t gonna get heat lamps or a new wardrobe from us,” Kane said, “and you should be grateful for what you do get since we kept you alive instead of killing you snakes on sight. All you get is a one-way ticket back to your world- you know, the one you ran away from in the first place.”
“You see their cruelty?” the creature said to Noble. “We run from war, we run for our lives, and they put us in cells underground for years, only to now force us back to the certain death we were running from. Our kind will be eradicated if we don’t seek help. We did not run, we were sent to find allies. Instead, we are imprisoned and sent home empty-handed, to die for nothing.”
Kane stepped between Noble and the glass. “Here’s the real truth, Chief: these creatures are otherworldly entities that we allowed safe harbor to while we considered what to do with them. With the DoE in the state it’s in, we can’t keep monsters like his kind in the Unnamed Sector, which is now considered US soil. Until we set up another black site where we can hold them, we have to send them back, which we are doing with all intelligent otherworld creatures nowadays. That’s what we’re doing, and whatever he says, whatever’s going on over on their side of the portal isn’t our business. We already play world police too much as it us, but otherworldly police is just too much for us. You ask the boss, she’ll tell you the same thing.”
“Parroting the words of your master,” the creature grumbled to itself.
Kane tapped the glass. “What was that, snake?”
“I am no snake!” the creature cried out, baring his teeth. Two great fangs unfolded from the roof of his mouth, a greenish-yellow liquid dripping from the tips. “I am Jaracai! We are Serpentes! We are not animals!”
“Sit back down or I’ll have you defanged before we boot your ass back through the Gateway,” Kane ordered.
“I do not fear the Armis- or the Bombardier, as you call them. Why would I fear you?” Jaracai asked. “I saw one of them get out, you know. It escaped as the doors opened, shooting acid from its hands, melting the faces of the humans who were trying to study it. I wonder how many of your friends it killed.”
“Doesn’t matter, we killed it,” Kane said defensively. “That’s more than any of you could say, isn’t it?”
Jaracai shook his head, his fangs folding back. “You do not have to lie to me, human. I wait for death at the end of this journey. You will continue living with that lie, and to what end?” He stepped back, sitting back down without breaking eye contact- without even blinking. “Deception can bring peace when directed at others. Lying to yourself, however, is lying to a mirror: it may fog up the glass, but it will not change the reflection, it will not change anything at all.”
“Let’s go,” Kane said to Noble, turning her back on the Serpentes. Without another word, she walked past the cells, looking straight ahead, not daring to return the gaze of the many eyes staring at her from both sides of the room.
Sliding the next door open, she stormed through a car with monitors all over the two walls, Agents on either side were looking at maps and data, sending information to the Agents out in the field. “We’re on her trail, but she ran straight through the wall of fire,” one of them said to a large monitor that showed Supervisor Long on a webcam. “We have to find another way to capture her.”
“If I know the Decapoda species at all, she’s already building another nest, so killing her before it’s finished seems to be the only option we have left,” Long said. As Chief Noble passed the camera, Long held a hand up. “Nice to see you John,” he greeted.
Noble waved as he passed by. “I’d stop to chat, but I have a meeting. Nice to see you, too, Wei.”
“Godspeed,” Long said knowingly.
Kane looked back for a moment, eyebrow cocked, before continuing. “I didn’t know you were friendly with him,” she mused.
“We survived the breach together,” he explained, though it sounded more like a deflection to Kane than a real answer.
“Speaking of the breach,” Kane said, stopping, “shouldn’t the Chief of Security be back at the Facility, making sure another one doesn’t happen?” She couldn’t ask why he was there to meet the boss, so this was as direct an answer as she could get to the question.
Noble laughed nervously. “Well, your fellow Agents are in charge of that. My team had some heavy losses, so we’re focusing on that. We’ve got a lot of newcomers being trained, but I don’t need to be there for that.”
“Oh, the rejects?” Kane joked. There were a lot of people offered an opportunity to be part of the Operations Offices’ forces, but only the best could become Agents. It was a running joke in the locker rooms that if you failed the tests badly enough, you became a security officer.
“I wouldn’t call them that,” Noble said defensively. “A lot of us get involved because people like yourself cross paths with them in the field, introducing them to the otherworldly. For example, a small-town sheriff who kept an infestation of Parasitoids from escaping a fishing boat just got brought in, and he’s showing a lot of promise. He’s quick on his feet, doesn’t have to mull something over before doing what needs doing.”
“Heard about that,” Kane said. “So how’d you get pulled into all this?”
Noble grimaced. “My workplace, this supermarket in my hometown, was attacked by this thing that looked like a lion-human hybrid. They called it an Ugallu.”
“I just took one of them down last week,” Kane said. “It tore a hole in one of my teammates. How’d you survive it?”
Noble smiled. “Nothing impressive. I snuck up on it. It had its back turned, was focused on a coworker of mine. I was working loss prevention- basically a security job- and she was distracting it. She was telling it that she didn’t mean it any harm, that she’s stay out of its way, and it seemed to actually consider leaving. Then then the Agents showed up. It grabbed her by the throat, held its other hand out like it was going to claw her face off or something, and I shot it. I shot it in the back of the head.”
“She survive?” Kane asked, curious. She hadn’t heard of an Ugallu being killed in the field before, probably because a civilian got the killshot instead of one of theirs. Everyone loved sharing stories about what monsters they slew, but no one liked hearing about the one that got away; it reflected poorly on one’s job performance to discuss targets that slipped through their fingers.
“Investigations Office,” he said simply, averting Kane’s eyes.
“They got hit hard during the breakout,” Kane noted. “Heavy losses.”
“Yeah,” Noble agreed sadly.
The door ahead was guarded by four Agents, all of whom stepped aside as Kane neared it. One of them held the door open, nodding to Kane as she passed by. Noble followed.
The entire next cart was an office, a single desk in the middle. To one side of it, a one-way mirror showed the countryside they were passing through. The other wall was covered in a monitor that showed a map of the country, with hotspots marked with various names. Kane recognized enough of them to know that it was a map of the known otherworldly creatures that they hadn’t captured or killed yet. With so many hotspots left, she knew they were far from finished cleaning up the mess that the Unnamed Sector made.
The room was decorated with the trophies of old hunts from the boss’ time as an Agent. Two intact Gargoyle heads hung from the far back wall. Nearby, Siren tridents and other weapons sat on weapon racks. A large display case to Kane and Noble’s left held bones from a variety of creatures. The top shelf housed a large humanoid skull with goat-like horns on the forehead, which had a bullet-shaped hole dead center. Hanging from the wall to the right were two sets of arm bones crossed over one another, both arms seemingly human with the exception of large spikes protruding from the forearm bones. Between them and the chairs in front of the desk was an Ugallu-skin rug.
At the front of the desk, rolled cigarette in hand, was the boss. Assistant Secretary Phillips, a woman nearly as tall as Kane and far more dangerous according to the stories she’d heard in passing, was staring out the window with a peaceful look on her face. Kane wasn’t used to seeing her unwinding, expecting a furrowed brow and an impatient stare whenever crossing her path. She was wearing a fur coat, which Kane had once asked if it had come from a werewolf. “Fuck no,” the boss had snapped. “Werewolves turn human when they die. This is Cadejo fur.”
“Boss,” she said, pulling Phillips away from her moment, “this is Security Chief Noble. Do you want me to give you the room?”
“You can stay,” Phillips said, turning her head. As she looked at Noble, her scar came into view. It was jagged, crossing her right eyelid as it marked the path from her upper forehead to the side of her nose. “Take a seat, Noble.”
The Chief stood in place for a moment, then complied. He gestured back to Kane, who closed the door behind her and stood against it, arms crossed. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, ma’am. This is a delicate matter I’m here to discuss.”
“Secrets cost lives,” Phillips countered. “If I wanted to keep my Agents in the dark, I’d blindfold them. You’ve been bouncing from office to office over the past few weeks, meeting with my peers and constantly sending requests for this very meeting with me. I’m sure I know what this is about, so get to the point and confirm it for me.”
Noble looked back at Kane, then turned back to the boss. “Executive-level clearance-”
“-was used to keep the blast doors open,” Phillips finished, taking a drag of her cigarette. “We’ve looked into it as well. It’s a good bet that whoever had Gully killed is behind that. I’m sure you’ve made a shortlist of suspects already, and since this is our first time meeting, I’m among the few remaining names.”
“Two names, actually,” Noble confessed.
“Me and Love?” Phillips said, laughing. “You cleared Bishop and Peters after one conversation, then. Either you’re a brilliant detective or a gullible idiot.”
“How do you know I only had one-” Noble began to ask.
“-I’ve taken control of your office,” Phillips interrupted. “Your path has been charted, Noble. You haven’t taken a step outside of my view since the breakout.”
“You’re keeping tabs on me,” he realized aloud.
Kane laughed again. “Wasn’t that obvious?”
Phillips held a single hand up, and Kane got the message to be quiet. She nodded in affirmation. “You realize that, as someone looking for the truth, I was forced to clear you as a suspect.”
Noble nodded. “That makes sense. Peters was skeptical of me as well.”
“She’s a smart one,” Phillips said. “It was her suggestion that we bring the snakes and all the other nonviolent creatures back to their Gateways. We could have executed them ourselves, but they get taken off the board either way. A little cold, considering her usual bleeding heart, but smart.
“So you trust her?” Noble asked.
“Fuck no. I only trust me and mine, especially after Gully was found torn in half.” Phillips shook her head. “Trust doesn’t come easy for me, but when it comes, it stays. For the record, the only person I trusted with Executive-level clearance was Secretary Gully.”
“Okay,” Noble said, sitting back. “So you’ve been keeping tabs on me. I haven’t been able to do the same, so how could I possibly trust you?”
“I don’t give a hot fuck if you trust me,” Phillips said.
“Then why am I here?” Noble asked.
Phillips pointed a remote control at the screen, pressing a button. The hotspots were replaced by numbers with skulls above them, all across the country. “These are the casualties we’ve seen so far in the effort to recover or kill all escaped otherworldly entities in the United States.” In some places, there were double digits beneath the skulls. “All of them were Agents of the DoE. This isn’t even counting any of the military casualties we’ve had for the bigger jobs. You know what the most common cause of death has been so far?”
Noble hung his head. “The Blurry Man. You only brought me here to learn what I know about him.”
Phillips smiled. “Yes, because I need to capture him alive, and I need all the information I can get.”
Noble sat up in his chair. “You want him alive so you can ask him who he’s working for.”
“From what I’ve been told,” Phillips said, taking one last drag of her cigarette before putting it out in an ashtray that used to be the skull of a Hope Eater, “it can talk, and has a bug up it’s ass for me and mine. Someone sent it after my people, and whether it’s Love or anyone else, I need to know before more of my Agents die.”
“What do you need to know?” Noble asked. Kane wasn’t surprised that he was rolling with what the boss had said. She had a way of getting straight to the point, of being so blunt and direct that it all had to be genuine.
Phillips lit another cigarette. “I need to you tell me what my Agents tried on him in the cafeteria. We need to start with what doesn’t work, then work around to what does.”
“They just tried to shoot him,” Noble said, shrugging. “I showed up right as it barred the door, right before it got to the Fear Generator and pulled it apart. They only tried bullets.”
“Shit,” the boss cursed, resting her head in her hand. “I’d have hoped that they’d try something else, like tear gas or fire, anything to get an edge. That’s what they were trained to do.”
“I don’t know if tear gas would have worked,” Noble said. “Apparently the thing behind the effects of the Fear Generator are pheromones, and it had no effect on the Blurry Man after he killed it. I mean, he’s basically made of smoke.”
“Smoke can’t cut through people like ribbons,” Phillips countered. “It’s killed a lot of my men by holding them with one hand while the rest of it is just shadow. That makes me think it can transform from gas to solid at will, and doesn’t have to do it all at once” She hit the cigarette again, breathing out through her nose, the smoke coming out like a bull in an old cartoon.
Noble stood up suddenly. “Smoke. It’s not shadows- it’s smoke!”
Phillips looked up. “So?” she asked, confused. The furrow in her brow was back.
Noble started pacing in front of the desk. “Hear me out,” he said, his eyes wide. “The Blurry Man can turn to smoke at will. He’s an intelligent monster with the strength of twenty men. He isn’t affected by pheromones that you have to breathe in to feel the effects of. What creature can turn into smoke, has super strength and doesn’t need to breathe to survive? A vampire!”
“No,” Kane argued, “vampires don’t turn into smoke. We’ve caught tons of them. A cross and a stake in the heart’s all you need- or kicking its ass into direct sunlight.”
“That’s not exactly true,” Phillips said, mulling over what Noble suggested. “Vampires have a history of having different powers. Some of them can mesmerize, others can follow scents nearly as well as werewolves. There’s even a blood-drinking race we’ve encountered who have bat-like wings, and use them to fly. Most drink blood, but there are stories from Asia about otherworldly creatures sucking life force from holes in their hands. It’s possible that one of them can turn into smoke.”
“So if I’m right, then why would a vampire follow the orders of a human?” Noble asked. “Someone with the Executive-level clearance recruited him.”
Kane stepped forward again. “Or he intimidated one of you. He could be the brains behind the operation for all we know.”
Phillips nodded. “Definitely makes sense. A vampire wouldn’t let a human tell it what to do. They can’t be compelled to follow orders. The thing that confuses me is this: the Public Relations Office works around the clock to make sure the public doesn’t know things like vampires actually bump in the night. Why challenge that status quo?”
“They could still function without the secret, couldn’t they?” Noble asked.
Phillips shook her head. “Even after the epidemic started, enough people outside at night has kept the known vampire population well-fed, much to our chagrin. If it got out that vampires were real, they could be eradicated by starvation in a matter of weeks. You know why the President works in the White House, right, Noble?”
He shook his head. “No idea.”
“It’s because vampires have to be invited into homes,” Phillips said, smiling. “If everyone learned that vampires were real, they could just stay inside for a few weeks and that would be the end of one of the most dangerous otherworldly threats out there. No one would leave their homes, and vampires can’t enter one without an invitation.”
“Shame trains aren’t the same way,” a low voice behind Kane said, and suddenly an arm was wrapped around her neck. Looking down, she could see the shadowy, translucent form of the creature known as the Blurry Man, but his arm was solid. Grunting, she ran backwards, pushing against the door, and the grip loosened slightly. With incredible force, it grabbed her by the neck and threw her into Phillips’ cabinet of bones.
Noble and Phillips stepped back. The door opened and Agents swarmed the room, some running through the Blurry Man without knowing that he was there. His arms became more solid as he danced around them, punching and clawing at them as he made his way through the doorway, into the last room.
While the other Agents fought the Blurry Man in the previous room, Noble ran to Kane and helped her up. “You alright?” he asked.
“No, I left my fucking battering ram at my cot,” she cursed, brushing glass off of her shoulders.
She looked back to see Phillips standing behind her desk, cigarette still in her mouth, with one trident in each hand. “Catch,” Phillips said, tossing the spear to Kane.
Kane twirled the spear between her fingers. “A little light, but it’ll do.”
As she left the boss’ office, Kane found a bloody scene before her. The Blurry Man, in a matter of moments, had cut through everyone in the room. The monitors were smashed, some with blood amongst the points of impact. The monitor that Supervisor Long was on had been smashed in multiple places. The Agents were cut or pulled apart, and the shadowy figure that killed them was continuing down the path Kane had come through, into the room with the Serpentes’ containment cells. She stumbled towards it quietly, holding the trident like a javelin.
The Blurry Man stood against the glass. He ignored Kane as she reached the doorway, instead staring at the snakes. “You want freedom?” he asked. “I can let you out. All I ask in return is that you kill anyone who tries to stop you from leaving this train. It’d only be fair.”
Jaracai stood up silently, his footsteps not making a sound as he neared the door. “I like the way you think, stranger.”
“Please, call me Aidric,” the Blurry Man said, placing a keycard against the door’s scanner.
The door unlocked, and as it opened and Jaracai stepped through, Kane threw her javelin. It passed through the Blurry Man, and was caught by Jaracai’s tail. “Thanks for the weapon,” he said, before turning his back on her.
The Blurry Man turned to Kane. “You’ve made peace with your maker, I hope,” he joked, stepping towards her.
“Speaking of makers,” Kane said, backing up into the more open space behind her, “let me know who your sire is before I dust you. I wanna kill your daddy after I finish you.”
The Blurry Man cackled. “You make me sound so princely,” he quipped, “as though my waste of a father were a king.”
Kane continued moving back, past the dead Agents, knowing she’d need the extra breathing room in a fight. “Don’t play dumb with me, douchebag. Your sire, your maker, the person who turned you into in ungodly creature of the night.”
“So you did figure it out,” he said, stepping more quickly now. “I’ll have to make sure the revelation dies with you.”
He swung at her with his right hand, and just before he could make contact, Kane ducked and reached out toward his wrist with her left hand. As she suspected, it became solid just before it could hit her. She kept hold, and dodged a left hand as the Blurry Man tried to bat at her. She grabbed his other wrist, with her right hand, then yanked both of the Blurry Man’s arms back. He screamed in pain, but after a moment of concentration, his arms lost their solidity. He reeled back, and from so close up, Kane had no time to react as he made his hands solid. His left hand went straight for her stomach, knocking the air right out of Kane’s lungs, and the right hand swung upwards as she was keeled over, the force of it breaking her nose and sending her flying across the room.
Kane was still seeing stars when he made his way to her, grabbing down at her neck. Before he could make contact, a second trident was thrown, this one piecing the Blurry Man’s forearm. He screamed, pulling back as his dark blood began to drip out of his new wound.
Kane wiped blood from her eyes to get a better look. The Blurry Man’s entire right arm was solid, his left hand solidifying as well so it could pull at the trident. The spears at the end were hooked, so when he did pull it back, the Blurry Man’s flesh was ripped open. “You cunt,” he cursed at Phillips, who was standing in the doorway to her office, holding a morning star. “I’m gonna suck you dry.”
“Only thing you can suck is my dick,” she countered, stalking towards him. The Blurry Man, for the first time that Kane knew of, looked worried. He held out the trident with one hand, the other bleeding heavily.
Phillips charged, knocking the trident away with one swing of the morning star. The Blurry Man tried to slap at her with his wounded arm, but she slammed the weapon into his should, the spikes digging into his skin. She pulled away, and even more flesh flew from him. He howled in pain, stepping back. As Kane watched the rest of his arms and some of his upper right torso solidify, she realized that he must required concentration to stay in his smoke-like form.
The boss clearly noticed the same thing. Aiming for his exposed chest, she swung down at him, and he rolled to the side, causing the morning star to stick into the ground. The Blurry Man took advantage, tackling Phillips shoulder-first to the ground. He held his left fist up, and as he brought it down, Phillips grabbed at it with both wrists. She rolled over, forcing him under her, and pulled a combat knife out of her jacket. The Blurry Man held his arms up as she stabbed at him, and she pinned them against one another, both stuck to the ground.
Phillips stood up, reaching for the morning star. Kane watched his arms begin to lose their corporeal form, the knife clattering to the ground. He stood up, stumbling in place, as Phillips pulled at her weapon. “He’s up,” Kane said weakly, coughing up blood. The Blurry Man picked up the knife and made his way towards the boss.
“Back, creature!” Noble called out. Kane looked up to see him standing beside her, holding the two skeletal arms from one of the boss’ displays up, the forearm blades pressed against one another in a cross-like shape.
The Blurry Man cackled, swaying weakly as Noble neared. “I gave you a chance to live,” he said. “You survived, but you learned nothing. You’ll be the death of all of us, you and the hunters. You have to be stopped.”
Noble stepped closer, and as the Blurry Man held the knife up, a soft light began to shine out from the two bone blades. “In the name of God, begone!” Noble cried, the light growing brighter still. The Blurry Man shrieked in pain as the light neared him, and his form became completely solid. He looked so pale, so weak in the light, his cheeks thin, his eyes gaunt.
“No!” the Blurry Man cried out. “Leave me! I cannot die! I have to kill her!” He turned away, running for the door to the containment cells, and stopped as a trident pierced his stomach. He stood in place, coughing, as a scaled hand burst through his chest and out his back.
The clawed hand of Jaracai held the Blurry Man’s withered heart as the now-solid man began to fade away. His body faded to dust around the hand of his killer, the trident clattering on the ground below, the heart beating softly before it crumbled in the hand of the Serpentes.
While Phillips and Noble stared at him in stunned silence, Jaracai walked past them and held out his other hand to Kane. She took it, and was pulled to her feet with more force than she expected the creature to be capable of. “Thank you,” she mumbled, her nose bleeding into her mouth as she got to a vertical base.
Jaracai smiled. “After that, I believe you owe me. If humans have even half the honor we do, I’d call it a life debt.” He turned to Noble. “What was that power you used? In the name of God?”
Noble shrugged, dropping the bones. “Ironically enough, it was a Hail Mary play. I didn’t have a cross on me, but I assumed that if it worked on Dracula, it could work on that asshole.”
Phillips kicked at the pile of dust. “Maybe I should rethink going to church,” she joked. “Might come in handy in the field.”
“I wouldn’t be worried about that,” Noble said, smiling. “I’m an atheist, and it worked for me.”
Kane sat against a desk. “He said he needed to kill her,” she noted, gesturing to the boss. “So I think that means you can trust her, Chief.”
Noble nodded, turning to Phillips. “And since I helped stop an assassination, I’m pretty sure that means you can trust me, ma’am.”
Phillips grunted. “If he was sent to kill me, then I have a good idea who did it.”
“Love?” Noble suggested.
Phillips shook her head. “Someone made a deal with this monster, and the way I see it, only a vampire would know how to get in touch with other vampires outside the Facility.”
Noble crossed his arms. “So someone learned about the Blurry Man through a mutual contact and reached out, offered him all the vampire hunters he could eat in exchange for a few assassinations, first Gully and now you. That has to be Love, doesn’t it?”
Phillips pulled the morning star out of the ground. “No. Acting Secretary Love never crosses paths with anything otherworldly if she can help it. She’d never have the opportunity. This person had to have access to one of the vampires at the Facility. We keep all of them in one place.”
“Where?” Noble asked.
Phillips threw the morning star at the monitor that Supervisor Long had been projected onto earlier. It stuck in place, where his head had been earlier. “The fucking Unnamed Sector.”
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2020.10.26 17:44 EugeneBYMCMB Secret webcam recorder

IF YOU RECEIVE A BLACKMAIL EMAIL, PLEASE REDACT THE PERSONAL INFORMATION AND POST IT AS A COMMENT ON THIS THREAD SO THAT OTHERS WHO RECEIVE THE SAME EMAIL CAN FIND IT THROUGH GOOGLE. BLACKMAIL EMAIL SCAMS ARE ALSO SENT VIA SMS (TEXT) AND PHYSICAL MAIL. REGARDLESS OF THE METHOD, THEY ARE SPAM AND THE POST BELOW GIVES YOU INFORMATION AND ADVICE ABOUT WHAT TO DO. FIRST THREAD: https://reddit.com/Scams/comments/8gsjba/the_blackmail_email_scam/ SECOND THREAD: https://reddit.com/Scams/comments/9srjen/the_blackmail_email_scam_part_2/ THIRD THREAD: https://reddit.com/Scams/comments/biv65o/the_blackmail_email_scam_part_3/ FOURTH THREAD: https://reddit.com/Scams/comments/dohaea/the_blackmail_email_scam_part_4/ FIFTH THREAD: https://old.reddit.com/Scams/comments/g8jqnthe_blackmail_email_scam_part_5/ There have been many recent posts about the blackmail email scam, so I have written this post and will keep it stickied until the posts about the scam die down. Blackmail email scams have that name because they started as an email spam campaign, however there have also been reports of these scams being sent via SMS and physical mail. If you are reading this because you have received one of these emails and you are worried, you can stop worrying. The blackmail email scam is a spam campaign that is sent out to thousands of addresses at a time. The threats are lies and you do not have anything to worry about. In many cases, the emails will contain some sort of privileged information about you such as your name, part or all of your phone number, and your password. The emails may also look like they were sent from your own email address. The data is gathered from data breaches, and if the email looks like it came from your account that is due to email spoofing. You can use the service Have I Been Pwned? to see if you are in any publicly known data breaches. If you receive an email that contains a password that you currently use, you should immediately change that. Current recommended password guidelines say that you should use a different, complex password for every account. You can generate and save passwords using a password manager for convenience. You should also be using two factor authentication using an app like Google Authenticator instead of receiving codes through SMS.
Here are some news articles about this scam. Here is a story from Brian Krebs, and here is a story from the New York Times.
Below are a few examples, but if you receive an email that is similar but not the same as the examples you see, that does not matter and does not mean that the email is real. The spammers constantly switch up their templates in order to bypass spam filters, so it's normal to receive an email that hasn't yet been posted online.
EXAMPLES Hey, some time ago your computer was infected with my private malware, RAT (Remote Administration Tool).
I know at the time of infection your passwords was: xxxxxxxxxxx
My malware gave me full access to all your accounts, contacts and it also was possible to spy on you over your webcam.
Sometimes when I was bored I was spying on you, then once you started to SATISFYING YOURSELF!
At first I didn't knew how to react as I was shocked, then I decided to record you, I checked on google and found the software: Bandicam and it did the job.
After that I removed my malware to not leave any traces and this email was sent from some hacked account.
I can send the video of you to all your friends, contacts and publish it on social networks and the whole web.
You can stop me and only I can help you out in this situation.
Pay exactly 740$ in Bitcoin (BTC).
It's easy to buy Bitcoin (BTC), for example here: https://paxful.com/buy-bitcoin , https://www.buybitcoinworldwide.com/ , https://www.kraken.com/ , or google another exchanger.
My Bitcoin (BTC) wallet is: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yes that's how the wallet looks like, copy and paste it, it's (cAsE-sEnSEtiVE)
I give you 3 days time to pay.
As I got access to this email account, I will know if this email has already been read, so the time is running.
After receiving the payment, I will remove the video and you can life your live in peace like before.
Learn from the mistake and update your browser before browsing the web next time!
I know XXXX is one of your password on day of hack..
Lets get directly to the point.
Not one person has paid me to check about you. You do not know me and you're probably thinking why you are getting this email?
in fact, i actually placed a malware on the adult vids (adult porn) website and you know what, you visited this site to experience fun (you know what i mean).
When you were viewing videos, your browser started out operating as a RDP having a key logger which provided me with accessibility to your display and web cam.
immediately after that, my malware obtained every one of your contacts from your Messenger, FB, as well as email account.
after that i created a double-screen video. 1st part shows the video you were viewing (you have a nice taste omg), and 2nd part displays the recording of your cam, and its you. Best solution would be to pay me $1004.
We are going to refer to it as a donation. in this situation, i most certainly will without delay remove your video.
My -BTC -address: 1GohL1jDz8BapZhohN2Xry6AKPq6PiJrjw [case SeNSiTiVe, copy & paste it]
You could go on your life like this never happened and you will not ever hear back again from me. You'll make the payment via Bitcoin (if you do not know this, search 'how to buy bitcoin' in Google).
if you are planning on going to the law, surely, this e-mail can not be traced back to me, because it's hacked too.
I have taken care of my actions. i am not looking to ask you for a lot, i simply want to be paid.
if i do not receive the bitcoin;, i definitely will send out your video recording to all of your contacts including friends and family, co-workers, and so on.
Nevertheless, if i do get paid, i will destroy the recording immediately.
If you need proof, reply with Yeah then i will send out your video recording to your 8 friends. it's a nonnegotiable offer and thus please don't waste mine time & yours by replying to this message.
I know xxxxxxxxxxxx is one of your password on day of hack.. Lets get directly to the point.
Not one person has paid me to check about you.
You do not know me and you're probably thinking why you are getting this email?
in fact, i actually placed a malware on the adult vids (adult porn) website and you know what, you visited this site to experience fun (you know what i mean).
When you were viewing videos, your browser started out operating as a RDP having a key logger which provided me with accessibility to your display and web cam.
immediately after that, my malware obtained every one of your contacts from your Messenger, FB, as well as email account. after that i created a double-screen video. 1st part shows the video you were viewing (you have a nice taste omg), and 2nd part displays the recording of your cam, and its you.
Best solution would be to pay me $1013.
We are going to refer to it as a donation. in this situation, i most certainly will without delay remove your video.
My -BTC -address: 1KzA7GYSyvXCmPpojZ4qTbZGmjjbbSfwBg
[case SeNSiTiVe, copy & paste it]
You could go on your life like this never happened and you will not ever hear back again from me.
You'll make the payment via Bitcoin (if you do not know this, search 'how to buy bitcoin' in Google). if you are planning on going to the law, surely, this e-mail can not be traced back to me, because it's hacked too. I have taken care of my actions. i am not looking to ask you for a lot, i simply want to be paid.
if i do not receive the bitcoin;, i definitely will send out your video recording to all of your contacts including friends and family, co-workers, and so on. Nevertheless, if i do get paid, i will destroy the recording immediately. If you need proof, reply with Yeah then i will send out your video recording to your 8 friends. it's a nonnegotiable offer and thus please don't waste mine time & yours by replying to this message.
Lets get directly to the point.
Not one person has paid me to check about you. You do not know me and you're probably thinking why you are getting this email? in fact, i actually placed a malware on the adult vids (adult porn) website and you know what, you visited this site to experience fun (you know what i mean).
When you were viewing videos, your browser started out operating as a RDP having a key logger which provided me with accessibility to your display and web cam.
immediately after that, my malware obtained every one of your contacts from your Messenger, FB, as well as email account.
after that i created a double-screen video. 1st part shows the video you were viewing (you have a nice taste omg), and 2nd part displays the recording of your cam, and its you. Best solution would be to pay me $1002.
We are going to refer to it as a donation. in this situation, i most certainly will without delay remove your video.
My -BTC -address: 1JXvEapcRCvywymcrYZ1rcCfLfNZKri4LP [case SeNSiTiVe, copy & paste it]
You could go on your life like this never happened and you will not ever hear back again from me.
You'll make the payment via Bitcoin (if you do not know this, search 'how to buy bitcoin' in Google).
if you are planning on going to the law, surely, this e-mail can not be traced back to me, because it's hacked too. I have taken care of my actions. i am not looking to ask you for a lot, i simply want to be paid.
if i do not receive the bitcoin;, i definitely will send out your video recording to all of your contacts including friends and family, co-workers, and so on. Nevertheless, if i do get paid, i will destroy the recording immediately.
If you need proof, reply with Yeah then i will send out your video recording to your 8 friends.
it's a nonnegotiable offer and thus please don't waste mine time & yours by replying to this message.
Hello!
I'm the software engineer who hacked into your device's OS.
I've been observing you for months now. The thing is, you've been infected with malware through the adult website you visited.
In case you're not familiar with it, I'll explain. The Trojan infection gives me full access and control over your computer or any other device on your local. It means that I can see everything on your screen, turn on my camera and microphone, but you do not know about it.
I also have access to all your contacts, social networking data and all your correspondence.
Why didn't your antivirus detect any malware? A: My malware uses a driver, I update its signatures every 4 hours to keep your antivirus silent.
I have made a video showing how you satisfy yourself on the left side of the screen, and on the right side you see the video you have been watching. With one click, I can send this video to all your contacts in the email and social networks. I can also publish access to all your emails and messaging apps that you use.
If you want to prevent this, at that point: Transfer $400(USD) to my bitcoin wallet (if you do not know how to do it, then type in to Google: "Purchase a bitcoin").
My Bitcoin Wallet:1EGBGBptS9yKNPYYU9qUEoPNLptee8CEq9
After getting the payment, I will destroy the video and you won't hear from me again. I will provide you 50 hours (more than two days) to pay. I have a notice that you read this email and the timer started you opened it.
Don't attempt to answer me. It doesn't make any sense (the sender's address is generated by random). Filing a complaint somewhere doesn't make sense, because this email cannot be tracked, and neither can my bitcoin address. I don't make mistakes.
If I find that you shared this message with someone else, the video will be distributed immediately. Good luck with that.
And here are some common keywords used in the email so that this thread can be found by people Googling the email:
"Marlware, international hacker group, No‌ p‌erso‌n has co‌mp‌ensat‌ed, very o‌wn vid‌eo‌ cli‌p, software on the adult, porno sitio, one of your pass word, .br, specific pixel, sexual content web portal, a malware on the adult, a malware on the, double-screen, is a reasonable price tag for our little secret, you have a good taste lmao, I placed a malware on the adult vids, your browser began operating as a RDP, had been abusing yourself in front of computer display, you are one of those people that downloaded the malicious, I made a split-screen video, While you were watching the video, your web browser acted as, malware on the porn website and guess what, an unique pixel, you jerked off while watching an online video, When you pressed the play button the virus begins saving all the things thru, ja.scr, My malicious soft started your front cam, and also send the video link to all of yourfriends, I infected your gadget with a malware and now, AnywaysI downloaded all contacts, my program quickly got into your system, To a time where you jerk off watching","For the present moment I have at my disposal all, When you arouse sexually watching porno, In such a way all needed compromising material and contact, All information to yours SNSs user accounts, You watched sexual content portal and toss","Hello! WannaCry is back! All your, in front of the screen browsing adult stuff, As you flog the dummy watching, U are going to be offered 5 days after checking this notice, RAT 68006, the damnific malware, pastime and entertainment there, not my single victim, beat the dummy, buff the muffin, choke a chicken, front camera capturing video, with you frigging, with you chaturbating, with you masturbating, web digicam, U are going to have 5 dayss, i utilize just hacked wi, pressured this trojan to, glue a pair of videos, glue two videos, the RAT, if you want me to destroy this whole video, downloaded all contacts from your computer, your list of contacts or relatives will, I made a video that shows how you masturbate, hacked you through a virus in an ad on a porn website, my illiteracy, nоt mind on my illiterаcy, I рilfered all рrivy bаckground, videоtaре with yоur masturbаtion, my delеtеrious soft, cаmеra shооt the videоtaрe, you sеlf-аbusing, Differently I will send the video to all your colleagues and friends, your front-camera made the videotape with you self-abusing, RAT 98390 malware, the minute you went to one adult page, information to contact info I discovered on your devices and remember there is a lot of these, not including Double VPN As a result, I forced my malware to hook up to a mic, web camera and catch the video from it, poisoned a number of adult sites, video clip to fit on a single tv screen, This letter has invisible monitoring program inside and i will be aware of when you are going to check, doing ur stuff and a clip u jerked to, the investigation will last, I uploaded our malicious program on your device, furthermore malware saved exactly the video you chose, its a record with your wanking, friends will see u taking proper care of yourself, Your system is controlled by the malicious program, If you were more careful while playing with yourself, that whacking off to adult web-sites is, adult website which was poisoned with my malware, nor i think that jerking off to porn sites is really a gross thing, so I dgf lmao, proof just reply to this email with, if you want me to destroy all this compromising evidence, will send your video to 5 contacts, amount in Usd that can cope with this scenario, You are welcome to contact your local authorities, If you want proof, reply with, i pride myself in being apart of an internet group, so i dgf, I take good care of my being anonymous, information related to the RAT virus, been able get in to all ur units, to all of your contacts including, search engines like goo, case sensitive, so copy,, and at this moment I, It is a non-nego, don't waste my perso, thi s mes, back while visiting, showe ring, what should you do ?, porno webpage, this embarrassing situation, navigated to the page, bare-assed, on well-known websites and publications, I got an order from someone to kill you and your family, immediately kill your family, is an explosive device, My mercenary is, explosive device detonates, triggered your webcam, piquant websites, my exploit downloaded, replenish btc wallet, i‌nstanta‌neo‌usly ‌erase, actua‌l r‌eco‌rded ma‌t‌eri‌al, n‌egl‌ect this ‌ema‌i‌l, my RAT trojan, video you jerked, I used keylogger, your disk dump, malware intercepts, installed a malware, remo‌v‌e yo‌ur vi‌deo‌ fo‌o‌ta‌ge, RAT onto your computer, greasy stimulating actions, excentric preferrables, porn web-page, to your Tax Department, network will be DDoS, friends, WannaCry, building a protection policy, in Tax Departament, Yours service going, we pass CloudFlare, hear fake-experts, backuped phone, -1663, of your joys, digits your phone, (porno), BIG pervert, both files and scale, naughty video clips, Soy un hacker, I installed spyware, n website with teen, malware on the porn website, very own recorded material""Marlware, international hacker group, No‌ p‌erso‌n has co‌mp‌ensat‌ed, very o‌wn vid‌eo‌ cli‌p, software on the adult, porno sitio, one of your pass word, specific pixel, sexual content web portal, a malware on the adult, a malware on the, double-screen, is a reasonable price tag for our little secret, you have a good taste lmao, I placed a malware on the adult vids, your browser began operating as a RDP, had been abusing yourself in front of computer display, you are one of those people that downloaded the malicious, I made a split-screen video, While you were watching the video, your web browser acted as, malware on the porn website and guess what, an unique pixel, you jerked off while watching an online video, When you pressed the play button the virus begins saving all the things thru, ja.scr, My malicious soft started your front cam, and also send the video link to all of yourfriends, I infected your gadget with a malware and now, AnywaysI downloaded all contacts, my program quickly got into your system, To a time where you jerk off watching","For the present moment I have at my disposal all, When you arouse sexually watching porno, In such a way all needed compromising material and contact, All information to yours SNSs user accounts, You watched sexual content portal and toss","Hello! WannaCry is back! All your, in front of the screen browsing adult stuff, As you flog the dummy watching, U are going to be offered 5 days after checking this notice, RAT 68006, the damnific malware, pastime and entertainment there, not my single victim, beat the dummy, buff the muffin, choke a chicken, front camera capturing video, with you frigging, with you chaturbating, with you masturbating, web digicam, U are going to have 5 dayss, i utilize just hacked wi, pressured this trojan to, glue a pair of videos, glue two videos, the RAT, if you want me to destroy this whole video, downloaded all contacts from your computer, your list of contacts or relatives will, I made a video that shows how you masturbate, hacked you through a virus in an ad on a porn website, my illiteracy, nоt mind on my illiterаcy, I рilfered all рrivy bаckground, videоtaре with yоur masturbаtion, my delеtеrious soft, cаmеra shооt the videоtaрe, you sеlf-аbusing, Differently I will send the video to all your colleagues and friends, your front-camera made the videotape with you self-abusing, RAT 98390 malware, the minute you went to one adult page, information to contact info I discovered on your devices and remember there is a lot of these, not including Double VPN As a result, I forced my malware to hook up to a mic, web camera and catch the video from it, poisoned a number of adult sites, video clip to fit on a single tv screen, This letter has invisible monitoring program inside and i will be aware of when you are going to check, doing ur stuff and a clip u jerked to, the investigation will last, I uploaded our malicious program on your device, furthermore malware saved exactly the video you chose, its a record with your wanking, friends will see u taking proper care of yourself, Your system is controlled by the malicious program, If you were more careful while playing with yourself, that whacking off to adult web-sites is, adult website which was poisoned with my malware, nor i think that jerking off to porn sites is really a gross thing, so I dgf lmao, proof just reply to this email with, if you want me to destroy all this compromising evidence, will send your video to 5 contacts, amount in Usd that can cope with this scenario, You are welcome to contact your local authorities, If you want proof, reply with, i pride myself in being apart of an internet group, so i dgf, I take good care of my being anonymous, information related to the RAT virus, been able get in to all ur units, to all of your contacts including, search engines like goo, case sensitive, so copy,, and at this moment I, It is a non-nego, don't waste my perso, thi s mes, back while visiting, showe ring, what should you do ?, porno webpage, this embarrassing situation, navigated to the page, bare-assed, on well-known websites and publications, I got an order from someone to kill you and your family, immediately kill your family, is an explosive device, My mercenary is, explosive device detonates, triggered your webcam, piquant websites, my exploit downloaded, replenish btc wallet, i‌nstanta‌neo‌usly ‌erase, actua‌l r‌eco‌rded ma‌t‌eri‌al, n‌egl‌ect this ‌ema‌i‌l, my RAT trojan, video you jerked, I used keylogger, your disk dump, malware intercepts, installed a malware, remo‌v‌e yo‌ur vi‌deo‌ fo‌o‌ta‌ge, RAT onto your computer, greasy stimulating actions, excentric preferrables, porn web-page, to your Tax Department, network will be DDoS, friends, WannaCry, building a protection policy, in Tax Departament, Yours service going, we pass CloudFlare, hear fake-experts, backuped phone, -1663, of your joys, digits your phone, (porno), BIG pervert, both files and scale, naughty video clips, Soy un hacker, I installed spyware, n website with teen, malware on the porn website, very own recorded material, ιs yοur ραssρhrαse, after seeing the video of you jerking off, τhιηκ οf ιτ αs α dοηατιοη, split-screen video, 𝐄𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐨 𝐜𝐥𝐢𝐩 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬, 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐨 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐭 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞, 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐲𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭"
submitted by EugeneBYMCMB to Scams [link] [comments]


2020.10.13 21:52 subreddit_stats Secret webcam recorder

Period: 2945.81 days
Submissions Comments
Total 998 386573
Rate (per day) 0.34 131.23
Unique Redditors 612 85837
Combined Score 5742333 10155821
Top Submitters' Top Submissions

  1. 279684 points, 60 submissions: gulabjamunyaar
    1. Apple and Nike urged to cut 'China Uighur ties' (9167 points, 395 comments)
    2. iOS 12 includes support for reporting unwanted texts & calls as spam (8574 points, 444 comments)
    3. TikTok to stop reading user clipboards after being exposed by iOS 14 privacy feature (7897 points, 431 comments)
    4. Shazam App is Now Ad-Free Following Apple Acquisition (7546 points, 304 comments)
    5. [MKBHD] Apple Responds to Your Comments! feat. Craig Federighi (7301 points, 670 comments)
    6. iFixit Mac Pro 2019 Teardown: “beautiful, amazingly well put together, and a masterclass in repairability” (7250 points, 669 comments)
    7. Apple COO Jeff Williams ‘Very Aware Of’ Concerns Over Apple Product Cost (7096 points, 1175 comments)
    8. Apple giving retail and hourly workers unlimited sick leave for coronavirus-like symptoms (7087 points, 361 comments)
    9. Apple to produce millions of 'made in Vietnam' AirPods amid pandemic: Shift away from China continues even as coronavirus hits demand for the wireless earphones (7053 points, 565 comments)
    10. Ex-NSA hacker finds new Zoom flaws to takeover Macs again, including webcam, mic, and root access (7019 points, 407 comments)
  2. 160555 points, 25 submissions: JBeylovesyou
    1. Apple says Epic Games CEO wanted a side deal for Fortnite (18785 points, 2481 comments)
    2. Apple fired the engineer whose daughter released a video of his iPhone X on YouTube (15097 points, 2365 comments)
    3. Apple reveals new AirPods Pro, available October 30 (14504 points, 3597 comments)
    4. Apple Music Overtakes Spotify in U.S. Subscribers (9715 points, 2141 comments)
    5. Over 300 iPhone X models stolen from San Francisco Apple Store (9345 points, 677 comments)
    6. Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I Do Think Price is a Factor' in Declining iPhone Upgrades (7363 points, 1254 comments)
    7. Apple CEO Tim Cook: Technology companies need to take responsibility for chaos they create (7115 points, 756 comments)
    8. No more "iOS has a nasty surprise" clickbait articles: "Just heard that Forbes is circulating an email internally that bans the use of clickbait in headlines" (6942 points, 267 comments)
    9. Netflix says it will not join Apple TV service: "We prefer to let our customers watch our content on our service" (5867 points, 828 comments)
    10. Apple tells app developers to disclose or remove screen recording code (5672 points, 410 comments)
  3. 158816 points, 21 submissions: aaronp613
    1. Phone Calls Will Finally Stop Taking Up the Entire Screen in iOS 14 (39844 points, 1661 comments)
    2. Apple announces iPhone 11 Pro: triple camera, A13 chip, more (12902 points, 5609 comments)
    3. Apple will release iOS 14 and iPadOS 14 on September 16th (12524 points, 1345 comments)
    4. Apple Disabling 'Sign in with Apple' for Epic Games on September 11 (9345 points, 1103 comments)
    5. Apple announces Mac architecture transition from Intel to its own ARM chips (8514 points, 2862 comments)
    6. iPhone 12 does not come with power charger or earbuds in the box (7097 points, 2089 comments)
    7. Apple announces new iPad Air that looks more like an iPad Pro (6707 points, 1455 comments)
    8. Tim Cook: Proud to share we’ve been able to source 10M masks for the US and millions more for the hardest hit regions in Europe. Our ops teams are helping to find and purchase masks from our supply chain in coordination with governments around the world. (6371 points, 276 comments)
    9. Apple becomes first public company to reach a $2 trillion market cap (5446 points, 510 comments)
    10. Google to 'Dramatically' Improve Chrome Impact on Mac Battery Life (5215 points, 754 comments)
  4. 122616 points, 12 submissions: iamthatis
    1. I'm giving away an iPhone 11 Pro to a commenter at random to celebrate Apollo for Reddit's new iOS 13 update and as a thank you to the community! Just leave a comment on this post and the winner will be selected randomly and announced tomorrow at 8 PM GMT. Details inside, and good luck! (28605 points, 88505 comments)
    2. Introducing Apollo, a brand new Reddit experience for iOS. Gorgeous, iOS centric design, an incredible Media Viewer, fully customizable gestures, a full Markdown editor, and sculpted by thousands of Redditors. (18036 points, 4604 comments)
    3. So... Apollo made $5,087.23 yesterday. Yeah no joke. Just sent it to the local animal shelter. THANK YOU SO MUCH! (Animal pics inside) (15657 points, 635 comments)
    4. I'm a former Apple engineer and I build the Apollo Reddit client! Today for my birthday I'm donating 100% of Apollo's proceeds to my SPCA Animal Shelter who really need the help. If you've ever had a passing interest in Apollo (or even already have it, secrets inside) there's no better day! 🐶🐱 (13134 points, 715 comments)
    5. I build the Apollo Reddit app and I'm donating 100% of today's proceeds to our local SPCA animal shelter. It's kitten season and the hardest time of the year for shelters for food and supplies, so your help would be absolutely AMAZING in helping the kitties and puppies out there! 🐶🐱 (8831 points, 886 comments)
    6. I built the Apollo Reddit client and I'm donating 100% of the proceeds today to our local SPCA animal shelter that's really low on food and supplies due to kitten season so your help would be AMAZING! (7565 points, 492 comments)
    7. [Self Promo Saturday] I just updated my Reddit app Apollo with a bunch of iOS 14 Widgets, the first Reddit app on iOS to do so. It also includes Picture in Picture video support, support for the new privacy-focused iOS 14 photo picker, and more. Would love to know what you think! 🎉 (7366 points, 399 comments)
    8. I don't even know how to title this, typing from the floor. We raised $27,355 yesterday. TWENTY SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. They told me that's the largest single day fundraiser IN THEIR HISTORY. Thank you so so so so so much, the Reddit Apple community is beyond incredible at saving animals. 🐶🐱🐰 (7221 points, 270 comments)
    9. [Self Promo Saturday] I released a really big update to my Reddit app Apollo for Reddit, featuring a supercharged Media Viewer, Smart Rotation Lock, Portrait Lock Buddy, GIF conversion, Reddit video downloading, Share as Image, new icons, awards, polls, iPad trackpad support, and more! (5829 points, 485 comments)
    10. [Update on yesterday's Apollo SPCA Fundraiser] We raised $42,749.29 yesterday for the SPCA Animal Shelter. FORTY TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. Thank you Apple! That's the historic RECORD for SPCA donations in a single day! We made such a difference to these animals, you're amazing. 🐶🐱🐰 (4206 points, 79 comments)
  5. 119935 points, 23 submissions: chrisdh79
    1. Microsoft fires back at Apple, accusing it of treating gaming apps 'differently' (14948 points, 1624 comments)
    2. Apple wants your iPhone to replace your passport and driver's license (12499 points, 1248 comments)
    3. YouTube restricts iOS 14 picture-in-picture feature to Premium subscribers, 4K not available on tvOS 14 (9964 points, 1133 comments)
    4. Apple Becomes First U.S. Company to Hit $1.5 Trillion in Market Value (6047 points, 437 comments)
    5. Tim Cook expects iPhone SE to attract Android users, ‘it’s faster than the fastest Android phones’ (5612 points, 1309 comments)
    6. Apple refining Siri to cut down on mistaken activations, and to draw less power (5349 points, 451 comments)
    7. Apple overtakes Saudi Aramco as world’s most valuable company, nearing $2 trillion market cap (5021 points, 367 comments)
    8. 9th Circuit Rules Apple Owes Retail Workers for Time Spent in Security Screenings (5002 points, 337 comments)
    9. Developers Begin Receiving Mac Mini With A12Z Chip to Prepare Apps for Apple Silicon Macs (4953 points, 675 comments)
    10. iPhone SE already seeing strong sales, Android switchers (4658 points, 900 comments)
  6. 108916 points, 16 submissions: UnKindClock
    1. Apple has now terminated Epic's App Store account following legal dispute between the two companies (26389 points, 3881 comments)
    2. Zoom iOS app quietly sending data to Facebook, even if you have no account (10329 points, 518 comments)
    3. Apple doubles down on iOS 14 tracking privacy as Facebook panics (9459 points, 563 comments)
    4. WWDC keynote format was great – I'd like this every year (8423 points, 587 comments)
    5. Tim Cook joins the billionaire club as Apple’s value climbs toward $2 trillion (6972 points, 901 comments)
    6. Bloomberg: Apple discussing allowing iPhone users to set third-party web browsers and email apps as defaults (6025 points, 827 comments)
    7. iPhone 12 to Come in 'Dark Blue' Color Option (5544 points, 494 comments)
    8. Intel says its 5G modems won't be ready until 2020, aligning with Apple's rumored 5G iPhone roadmap (4975 points, 628 comments)
    9. iPhone X outperforms Samsung’s brand new 6.4-inch Galaxy Note 9 (4484 points, 991 comments)
    10. Apple tells retail employees not to offer AirPods or Apple Watch try-ons as coronavirus precaution (4372 points, 176 comments)
  7. 101877 points, 17 submissions: exjr_
    1. Major iPhone FaceTime bug lets you hear the audio of the person you are calling, before they pick up (14195 points, 912 comments)
    2. [Megathread] Apple announces iPhone SE (2020), starting at $399 (13416 points, 3748 comments)
    3. Apple exec met with teenager who found FaceTime bug at his Arizona home, will be eligible for bug bounty program (10296 points, 277 comments)
    4. Apple announces Apple Card credit card (9086 points, 2778 comments)
    5. Dark mode is coming to iOS 13 (7033 points, 443 comments)
    6. Report: AirPower Has Entered Production and is Coming Soon (6522 points, 1093 comments)
    7. [Megathread] Apple releasing iOS 14, iPadOS 14, tvOS 14 to the public today! (6419 points, 3992 comments)
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    9. Apple releases first public beta of iOS 13 (3912 points, 845 comments)
    10. Apple Apologizes About FaceTime Bug, Software Update With Fix Delayed Until Next Week (3645 points, 351 comments)
  8. 82774 points, 8 submissions: AdamCannon
    1. Tim Cook to white supremacists: 'You have no place on our platforms.' (27245 points, 87 comments)
    2. Apple is acquiring music recognition app Shazam. (16738 points, 835 comments)
    3. Tim Cook calls on FTC to let consumers track and delete their personal data. (16686 points, 808 comments)
    4. Amazon strikes deal with Apple to sell new iPhones and iPads. (5887 points, 433 comments)
    5. Google reportedly paying Apple $9 billion to remain default search engine in Safari on iOS. (4510 points, 591 comments)
    6. Apple reportedly planning three iPhones for 2019, one with new triple camera system. (4303 points, 1147 comments)
    7. Apple CEO Tim Cook is calling for Bloomberg to retract its Chinese spy chip story. (4298 points, 364 comments)
    8. Apple will soon treat online web tracking the same as a security vulnerability. (3107 points, 252 comments)
  9. 67773 points, 1 submission: Wryhta
    1. Join the battle for net neutrality!!! We don’t wanna have to pay for reddit!! Do you part! (67773 points, 485 comments)
  10. 67632 points, 14 submissions: de_X_ter
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    2. iOS 12 to run on everything that runs iOS 11 (9997 points, 1267 comments)
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    4. iOS 12 now on 75 percent of compatible devices, hit mark faster than iOS 11 (3984 points, 382 comments)
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    6. iOS 12 Installed on 10% of Devices 48 Hours After Launch (3900 points, 515 comments)
    7. A Third Class Action has been filed against Apple in California over MacBook Pro Keyboard Problems (3791 points, 688 comments)
    8. Tim Cook Remembers Steve Jobs on 8th Anniversary of His Death (3580 points, 258 comments)
    9. Kuo: ‘All-new design’ AirPods in 2020, wireless charging model in first quarter 2019 (3383 points, 623 comments)
    10. Apple Offers Free Repairs of Products Damaged in Japan Floods (3168 points, 191 comments)
  11. 61425 points, 8 submissions: iamvinoth
    1. Epic Games says Apple is terminating their developer account and will cut them off from developer tools on August 28th (35950 points, 6190 comments)
    2. Samsung Smart TVs to Launch iTunes Movies & TV Shows and Support AirPlay 2 Beginning Spring 2019 (4209 points, 572 comments)
    3. Judge in Epic vs Apple case says she is “inclined” to NOT grant relief for the Fornite removal (as in, to not force Apple to put it back on the App Store,) but IS “inclined” to not let Apple block Epic from developing/distributing Unreal Engine. Inclined is not a decision. (4102 points, 839 comments)
    4. Apple gives away iPhone XR to the whole audience on The Ellen Show (4064 points, 666 comments)
    5. iOS 13.1, the next (and presumably more stable) version of the software will ship September 24, not September 30 as previously expected & reported. (3539 points, 444 comments)
    6. Rumor: iOS 14 to support all of the same iPhones as iOS 13, including iPhone SE (3237 points, 432 comments)
    7. Apple granted patent for Face ID on Macs, with smart auto-wake feature (3236 points, 324 comments)
    8. Google aware of free original quality HEIC photo backups for iPhones, says it's a 'bug' (3088 points, 512 comments)
  12. 58204 points, 6 submissions: fastforward23
    1. A Message to Our Customers (35610 points, 2071 comments)
    2. Apple switches from Bing to Google for Siri web search results on iOS and Spotlight on Mac (5959 points, 608 comments)
    3. iOS 12 will reportedly include new NFC features, enable iPhones to become secure hotel room keys (5066 points, 416 comments)
    4. Apple Hires Google’s A.I. Chief (5016 points, 477 comments)
    5. Apple CEO Tim Cook: Mac Mini Will Be 'Important Part' of Future Product Lineup (3431 points, 644 comments)
    6. Apple Plans to Use Its Own Chips in Macs From 2020, Replacing Intel (3122 points, 1533 comments)
  13. 54846 points, 11 submissions: speckz
    1. Wavēy — A set of vibrant wallpapers (7536 points, 240 comments)
    2. Apple’s low-carbon aluminum is a climate game-changer - The lightweight metal is chemically the same as the mass-produced version used in products like foil, soda cans, bike frames, and car doors. But it’s made using a process that doesn’t result in the immediate release of greenhouse gases. (7393 points, 446 comments)
    3. Apple’s move to make advertising harder on iOS 14 is part of a trend - Facebook is only the latest developer to feel the squeeze (6156 points, 385 comments)
    4. App tracking alert in iOS 13 has dramatically cut location data flow to ad industry - Apple's initiatives to minimize tracking by marketers is continuing to make life harder for the advertising industry, forcing advertisers to use inefficient data sources to pinpoint users. (5870 points, 312 comments)
    5. This is what Apple should tell you when you lose your iPhone (5648 points, 437 comments)
    6. No, '250 scientists' didn't warn that AirPods are a cancer risk (4533 points, 377 comments)
    7. Apple says its T2 chip can prevent hackers from eavesdropping through your MacBook mic - 12 Closing the lid shuts down the microphone, without fail (4411 points, 602 comments)
    8. Apple gains patent for future iPhones and Apple Watches to act as poisonous gas and CO2 detectors (4225 points, 253 comments)
    9. Source: Apple's planned game subscription service for iOS will only include paid, not freemium, titles, pay developers based on time users spend on their games (3183 points, 208 comments)
    10. Apple's App Store is riddled with fleeceware, the latest trend in scams - Fleeceware is an app that takes advantage of a free trial, which can cost a fortune if you forget to cancel. (3007 points, 304 comments)
  14. 54644 points, 12 submissions: Aki-Baidya
    1. Tim Cook on Twitter: "I'm heartbroken about what's happening in my country. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. It's time for good people with different views to stop finger pointing and come together to address this violence for the good..." (9589 points, 211 comments)
    2. Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak says the Apple Watch is his 'favorite piece of technology in the world' because he doesn't want to be addicted to his phone. (5562 points, 467 comments)
    3. Steve Jobs pulls out the original MacBook Air out of a manilla envelope at MacWorld '08. (4897 points, 398 comments)
    4. Steve Jobs: "I think everybody in this country should learn how to program a computer, because it teaches you how to think. I view computer science as a liberal art. It should be something that everybody takes a year in their life to learn." (4897 points, 366 comments)
    5. Steve Jobs prank calls Starbucks while demoing Maps application on the original iPhone. (4729 points, 344 comments)
    6. I just go into Jiggle Mode! (4572 points, 184 comments)
    7. Can we all take a moment to appreciate these beautiful animations on Apple's privacy page? (4032 points, 218 comments)
    8. Apple Watch calls 911 as Middletown man falls down cliff on date. (3649 points, 266 comments)
    9. Apple’s Cook Offers Work From Home This Week to Most Staff (3583 points, 269 comments)
    10. Throwback to when Steve Jobs promised that FaceTime would be an open industry standard. (3172 points, 777 comments)
  15. 54186 points, 7 submissions: crushed_oreos
    1. Guys, @tim_cook changed his name to Tim Apple (25587 points, 899 comments)
    2. Nintendo is bringing Mario Kart to smartphones (6409 points, 304 comments)
    3. The Core i9 15 inch MacBook Pro throttles itself (6359 points, 2121 comments)
    4. iMac gets a 2x performance boost (4474 points, 1281 comments)
    5. Belkin finally announces the first third-party USB-C to Lightning cable (4064 points, 423 comments)
    6. Apple to invest $1 billion in new Austin campus (3873 points, 399 comments)
    7. Not So Big in Japan: Apple Cuts Price of iPhone XR to Boost Sales (3420 points, 703 comments)
  16. 53899 points, 7 submissions: heyyoudvd
    1. Apple cancels AirPower product, citing inability to meet its high standards for hardware (31213 points, 3707 comments)
    2. The Epic Games situation, as summarized by Steve Jobs 10 years ago. (5018 points, 625 comments)
    3. Former Apple software engineer creates environmentally-lit user interface (3798 points, 301 comments)
    4. One of Google’s top A.I. people just joined Apple (3687 points, 339 comments)
    5. Twitter is about to kill third party apps like Tweetbot and Twitterrific on June 19th (3666 points, 495 comments)
    6. Apple hiring for Siri engineers just spiked to its highest level ever (3615 points, 304 comments)
    7. Fun fact about Apple and Beats By Dre (2902 points, 336 comments)
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Generated with BBoe's Subreddit Stats
submitted by subreddit_stats to subreddit_stats [link] [comments]


2020.10.12 21:47 lordofpurple Secret webcam recorder

All party slots have been filled, thank you everyone for posting and responding!

As the title says, I'm running a 5th edition D&D game for roleplayers who like to create and play characters with arcs of their own and perform in-character. This game will be recorded so I can have a record of games I've DMed. This will be probably one, possibly two sessions. If we get along enough as a group we could talk about making it to a full campaign :)
All POCs/orientations/identities/human beings welcome to join!

I've been DMing for about a decade now, and I've recently begun recording and sharing some games as a way of recording my "Game Master Portfolio", SPECIFICALLY geared towards people who like the social perform and roleplay aspects more than they necessarily do the mechanics/"winning" aspects of the game. This is both to draw more people to my games, but also secretly so I can have a network of fun roleplayers to play with ;) This will be posted online, and I will be happy to credit you by whatever name/social media you wish to be credited!

However, I gotta be not-fun for a second. I need to set some guidelines/rules and be REALLY honest with you guys about a few things because you're a bunch of internet strangers and I fear you.
**Be able to share the spotlight** Roleplayers are a dime a dozen in the D&D community, but what's really hard is people who don't have a problem talking over others or drawing all the attention to themselves. I am very good about giving EVERYONE a chance in the spotlight, if you'll trust me. Please allow other players their moments, allow others to respond as well, and I promise I'll engage you during your moments!
**In-character does not justify being a jerk** If you're a player that's constantly told to "calm down" or is constantly making enemies of other players, trying to attack/steal from them etc.. my game probably isn't for you. Rivalries and animosity is one thing, but I don't want anyone's time to be ruined even if it's in-character. "My character is racist against-" is a boring character choice, and I also don't tolerate slurs/bigotry or any kind. *No lone wolves, chaotic stupids or evil characters (unless you ALL really wanna run a villain one-shot)*. I know I sound strict as hell but I'm always scared of running a game for internet strangers and I really can't handle any /rpghorrorstories experiences if I can help it. Be cool and respectful to me and your teammates plz
**I'm not the best DM, but I work hard for my players.** I'm not Matt Mercer or Colville or Chris Perkins. It's very possible you're a way better DM than me. But I'm VERY fair to my players and I make every effort to be accommodating to all playstyles and I put heavy effort into incorporating player backstories to the world and creating an actually developed world.
**NO RULES LAWYERS** please for the love of god. I DO know most of the rules and have played 5E a long time but you may VERY WELL know the rules way better than me or may have a different, STRONG opinion on the "correct" way to rule things. People getting mad at me or screaming "BULLSHIT" because of my rulings is not fun and as I've stated I play this game for the storytelling and roleplay anyway. You can correct me if I'm blatantly wrong or forgetting something, don't fear me, but if I settle on a ruling, then please accept it.
**Webcam, DECENT MICROPHONE, and a QUIET RECORDING ENVIRONMENT** I know this is picky but it's stressful playing online with one person's microphone that is pure static with TV and dogs in the background. Webcam quality doesnt matter so much, visual cues are just helpful. An AUDIBLE mic is vital, though.
**Be prepared to play at least 2 sessions**
**We'll be using Roll20 to play**


So here's what I need from you in your replies, in this 1,2,3 format:

  1. Day(s) and Time(s) you're available during the times I've specified in the title
  2. Your experience roleplaying/acting/performing in-character
  3. Your experience with DnD
I look forward to playing with you!! Let me know if you've any questions!
submitted by lordofpurple to lfg [link] [comments]


2020.10.02 16:05 Jafar-From-Afar Webcam secret recorder

NOTE: I tried to translate as well as I could, but I am not a professional translator and some parts might not convey the message well when translated in English. Some parts were cut, if judged repetitive or irrelevant to the case.
Source: https://www.facebook.com/watch/live/?v=693542467925575&ref=watch_permalink
AM: Artak Manukyan (manager of Armenian Eagles), TLP: Tigran Levoni Petrosian
Interviewer: This interview concerns the disqualification of the AE team. We’ll let them explain and then we’ll ask them questions.
AM: I’ll try to present the environment first. First of all, there is a sport component: we have won the 2018 (offline) PRO chess league, which demonstrates that we are a competent team. I myself have contributed to that win in San Francisco. We have proven ourselves OTB and we subsequently proved ourselves online during this tournament. We have received a letter from chess.com yesterday that offered us two choices: either admit something that didn’t happen and continue our cooperation with chess.com as one of the best teams on the site, or begin discussions around the issue [?]. As the team manager, unfounded accusations are for me unacceptable and we thus announce that we will refrain from participating in such events in the next couple years. We were presented the opportunity to keep participating, but we have chosen not to. Furthermore, chess.com had the responsibility of ensuring fair play during matches and if issues arose during a match, there were mechanisms put in place to ask a player who, for example, is continuously looking down, to show what he is looking at and such interventions not only happened in this tournament, but during the Olympiad as well. Such mechanisms are present and we did follow them. Personally, it seems to me that because chess.com is an American site, they are interested in ensuring their profits: the American team, if I dare say the "favorite team" winning would imply investments, further popularity of chess in America, etc. etc. Unfortunately for them, chess is a sport and as in war, quality is more important than quantity. In this tournament in which superstars were competing, if one player has a bad day, fails to convert a winning position to a win and loses, blaming the winner is not logical and unacceptable. Politically, it is not a secret that chess.com's and online chess's reputation was quite tarnished after the chess Olympiad in which the Armenian team had its fair share of problems and unfair decisions taken upon them. This was quite a major issue for us as it ended up involving other parties such as our Education-Sport Ministry and our Chess Federation. It seems to me that chess.com's staff responsible for the tournament was quite concerned and given the overwhelming influence of American players, they would be more inclined to take a decision that would favor the American players than the Armenian players. Despite all this, I would like to stress that equality and justice are very important: in these online contexts, it is pretty much implicitly accepted that the organizer can take independent [without consultation] judgment. We've seen such a precedent when the Russian team was facing the American team and there was an issue of who would play with White or Black. The Russian team claimed that the organizer was at fault and was ready to continue playing if the organizer corrected the mistake, but they did not and the Russian team withdrew altogether. We have decided not to participate in such tournaments where players get accused without concrete evidence and in which organizers take arbitrary decisions. I’ll let TLP speak.
TLP: Let me begin by saying that there was no concrete explanation presented to me. I learned of such affairs when talking AM who said that we received a letter from chess.com's administration. I then sent them a very lengthy email, demanding explanations for what is happening. The idea was that if my name is involved, I should at least be questioned and I warned them that I'm not the kind of man who will take such unfounded accusations lightly: I noted that I might even start legal actions. This morning, we received an email which asked if that [withdrawing from further PRO Chess League tournaments altogether] was our final decision and saying that I cannot take legal action because I have signed such-and-such document. From a legal perspective, I still need advice and don't really know which path I am going to take, but if there is even a 0.1% chance of solving this issue through legal means, I'll go for it.
AM: Let me add, when I was talking about unfair behavior regarding the Armenian team, people had become wary of online events after a couple of incidents and chess.com, trying to improve its image, is trying to advertise itself as the best and most secure site when it comes to online chess, by claiming that people who cheat get caught very fast and very reliably. Arbitrary decisions like these might also be a marketing trick by chess.com to further reinforce the image of them being the best site on which to play.
Interviewer: Have you received any response from your colleagues?
TLP: The decision was received very early in the morning and my Armenian colleagues from abroad had already written to me, asking me what kind of misunderstanding this is. Everybody was standing behind me and needless to say, there will be quite a loud response to these accusations. Such decisions have happened quite a lot on chess.com: there have been accusations against Armenian players and others too in the past, but these accusations and decisions associated with them have always remained behind the scenes, like "there are suspicions that XYZ player has cheated, please don't participate in our tournaments again". This was quite unprecedented given the fact that it was publicly announced that I was accused of cheating. Of course, given the rules of the tournament, as I said, one of the conditions was to have a webcam. We respected that. It was also required that screenshare must always be on. We also respected that. It was also agreed that at any moment, the arbiter [or possibly organizer] can at any moment ask you to show your surroundings. They never confronted me about that during the game and before the game, my entire room was shown to them. Why am I saying this? Because all the fair play obligations were respected. In the letter, they also talk about the semi-finals. This is quite laughable because the semi-finals were two days ago. If there were issues, why not talk about them right away? In all this, it seems to me that we weren't favorites both in semi-finals and finals, and given the fact that we were facing a much higher rated team, people had hopes that the Americans would easily win, but they were disappointed. When we won, things started to surface as to how to find evidence to seize our victory. At the end of the day, this is a sport: you win some, you lose some. When I lose, I usually congratulate my opponents for their victory, but it looks like the opposing team doesn’t share my mindset. This issue will be talked about quite a lot, given the rise of online chess and given that issues like cheating and arbitrary decisions by organizers remain a heated topic. Perhaps I will try to fight the issue of arbitrary decisions myself, because most GMs in the past simply accepted their punishment without questioning it too much, despite being in the right. I hope that we will manage to change their decision and make it so that they apologize. We'll see what happens.
Interviewer: As such disqualifications seem to not be that uncommon, is it possible that every GM who has faced issues like these group and try to collectively solve the issue?
LTP: Yes, let me remind you that this was not some FIDE World Championship, this was some regular championship on a website. Most people would probably not bother wasting resources on legal matters, given that fact. Perhaps some people really were guilty, but I deny all accusations. Some of the accusations towards me are also really laughable. I believe this all started after Wesley So publicly complained about how I could play like this, etc. etc. That was really funny for me and I answered that when I was beating players of this caliber, he was still really young, etc. etc. People around the chess world know that I am quite a strong player and my results prove it. I've played Carlsen, Aronian, I was really close to being world blitz champion in 2017. The fact that I won against a much stronger opponent is not really that surprising, it's not a first and I assure you, it won't be a last. The opinion of Wesley doesn't really matter to me, but I proposed to him that we find sponsors and organize a 1v1 so that I can prove myself further. For the Americans, it was obviously unpleasant to lose. When we withdrew from the Olympiad, our players and even gov. institutions were blaming chess.com for the failure of their server and the idea of bringing up legal charges was discussed even back then. It seems to me that there was some kind of bias after that towards Armenian players and it seems it culminated in this incident.
AM: I will reiterate: as TLP said, if there was an issue in the semis, why not bring it up then? Why not say something along the lines of "we see some issues that we are investigating, we need some time. Can we delay the final so that we can look into it?". From a technical standpoint, such things were possible. Making accusations of this seriousness about the semis at this point is not serious for a serious organization. Furthermore, after the American team lost, there was a wave of massive speculation on social media, which might have put additional pressure on chess.com to make such a decision.
1: TLP is looking down continuously. Well, you could have asked him to show what he is looking at. Let me note that TLP doesn't play with a mouse. He plays with a touchpad [lmao]. Most people already know that. You need to sometimes look down in order to not slip. When making decisions regarding two parties, the accused party usually has the right to defend itself and provide perspective as to what was happening from their side. This is basic common sense.
2: American players are suggesting putting a camera from behind. Sure, I myself have suggested putting many cameras in the room. I even proposed that we could gather all the players in some place with their computers, put camera crews in their booths to show what the whole process looks like. The organizer is entirely responsible of ensuring the fair play conditions. If anomalies were seen, they could very easily ask TLP to show what's under his table yet they did not. By the way, before the matches, managers of the teams were consulted and I let them know about my complaints. Surprisingly, these segments were cut and only a small clip was aired.
3: One of our best players, Haik Martirosyan, was on a winning streak. People started writing "Oh, Haik is winning against strong players, he must be cheating!". It started getting really bad, and even very strong GMs started spreading groundless rumors about him not playing fair. It is very easy to create an image about someone on social media. This also compromises the image of the team, and doing that is very easy, as none of the commenters gets consequences for their actions.
4: Online chess is nice, sure. But we are talking here about someone who has made an impression on the chess world, won olympiads OTB. Thus, it is not logical that we speculate about his playing strength. It is just childish, to put it mildly. For example, they say that TLP played the Caro-Kann while he always plays the Pirc. “Since when does he play the Caro-Kann?” This is plain ignorance. In the Yerevan Cup, TLP was playing that same Caro-Kann against Zaven Andriasyan. I apologize, but it really seems to me the possibility of their favorites not winning hangs like a sword of Damocles under some people's heads.
And thus, I have taken the decision that we will refuse to take part in this circus and won't play in these tournaments anymore, unless we receive an apology for what has happened.
Interviewer: Mr. TLP. If no apology is received, does the team lose anything by not participating in these tournaments?
TLP: Of course, the tournament was fun and interesting, we played against very strong players. Financially, it is not very interesting. The first place is 20000$ which we had decided to share equally among our teammates. Playing for months to receive 2000-3000$ is obviously not very interesting as you may have guessed. The process was more interesting. We play chess, that is our specialty, we love it and as sportsmen, we try to win whenever possible. We lose the chance to play in interesting tournaments like these. The problem is not to participate in these tournaments or to play on that website or not. There are many sites on which I can spend my time. The problem is that they are playing with my name. I have students, and while most of them know me and won't give in to rumors, some might start doubting that such things happened. It is for that reason that I have chosen to take further action. I don't have legal experience, but I'll get some good lawyers and see what happens. I have many supporters and some might also get upset. In our team, there's also Raunak who's much weaker than me. Despite that, he managed to get quite a respectable score despite similar strength players. If they ask "How did you win against much higher rated opponents", well, we were much weaker than many of our opponents and still managed to win. Why are you singling some out? In comments, you can see that they accuse many of the Armenian players of having a record of long-time cheating.
AM: Given the losses of the team, you see, there are tournaments that are only open for a very select few players and Armenia, having quite a good chess tradition, has a couple of talented youngsters. One of this team's purposes was to showcase these young players' potential and give them the potential to play against the best players of the world. In this regard, not playing in these tournaments would make that purpose harder to achieve. However, it's a bigger loss when prominent GMs start accusing our players. I believe my decision as manager is right and we believe we are right. I think this decision benefits us as we stop worrying about groundless accusations and arbitrary decisions. More often than not, accusations are groundless anyway and anyone can start rumors like "he's looking down, thus he's cheating", or "he's talking to himself, that's very suspicious". Thank you all.
Interviewer: Thank you and we wish you good luck.
TL;DR: their claims are: TLP was playing with a mousepad, hence why he was looking down. Accusing people of something that happened in semi-finals 3 days after it happened is unacceptable, the issue should have been raised immediately. The arbiteorganiser could ask TLP to show his surroundings, but did not. Taking decisions without consulting both parties involved to get two sides of the story is unethical. The website is more interested in being popular than in being just. Accusations against players of this caliber is unacceptable. Armenian Eagles will no longer play in future PRO Chess League events as a sign of protest. Americans got favored over Armenians because it would be more profitable to their audience. Defamation of this sort is not ok.
EDIT1: Ty for gilds. If anything surfaces that you want translated, DM me.
EDIT2: While I do not wish to politicize this issue, it's worth noting that it has been a week since Armenia is practically in a state of war against its neighboring country. While it might not fully excuse some of the inflammatory/provocative statements made by both of them, having a clear mind when your relatives and friends are being sent to the front lines is obviously difficult. Clearly, war hinders reason and promotes passion.
submitted by Jafar-From-Afar to chess [link] [comments]


2020.10.01 19:22 normancrane Secret webcam recorder

Part 1
Part 2 <-- You are here.
Part 3
- - - Kurt Schwaller, the foremost theoretical physicist of his time and renowned discoverer of the theory of everything, committed suicide at the age forty-two in the humble bedroom of his Swiss home by swallowing sleeping pills. As far as suicides go, it was graceful and considerate. His husband found him peacefully at rest. He left behind no research, no reports and no working hard drives. He was not terminally ill. He died with his boots off but his computer on, and exactly six hours after his death the computer executed its final chronjob, posting a suicide note to his Facebook page. The note was short and cryptic, and the way in which it spoke so purposefully from beyond the grave unnerved me. It ended: “Like Edith Piaf, I regret nothing. This was not inevitable.” Whether he meant his suicide or something more remained unclear.
“Who’s Kurt Schwaller?” Greta asked.
“He was a very smart scientist,” Jacinda said.
The monitor on the wall was playing Spirited Away. Nobody in the room asked the question that was on everybody’s mind. The internet condensed into a cluster of theories, before exploding as a hysterics of trolling and contradictory evidence. Depending on who was speaking, Kurt Schwaller had either been depressed for years or was the most cheerful person in the world. He simultaneously regretted discovering the theory and considered it the best means of keeping human life sustainable. His death was suspicious, tragic, commendable, prophetic. Some said good riddance. Others said their goodbyes. Yet, as a species, we never quite shook the gnawing belief that he indeed knew something that we didn’t, and that that knowledge was what killed him. His mind may have been as hermetically sealed as the wombs of the women around us, but in his death we sensed our own foretold. I was relieved I didn’t have a daughter to explain that to.
By April 15, no opossums had given birth. By itself that’s not a troubling fact. However, the average gestation period of an opossum is 12 to 13 days. Hamsters, mice and wombats follow with gestation periods of around 20 days, then wombats, chipmunks and squirrels. No recorded births of any of these species occurred in April. Physically, their females looked pregnant but that was as detailed as it got: “The specimens display the ordinary symptoms of pregnancy, but they are displaying them in excess of their expected due dates, although they do remain healthy and function comparatively well to their male counterparts.” My wife and I developed a fascination with a particular family of opossums in Ohio that we watched daily via webcam. We gave them names, we pretended to be their voices. Our opossums had adventures, family squabbles and bouts of stress at work. The daughter, Irene, was rebellious. The son, Ziggy, was a nerd. The dad, whom we dubbed Monsieur Charles, sold insurance and the mom, Yvette, worked as stay-at-home technical support for Amazon. We realized right away that we were already preparing for the storytelling phase of parenthood, but we didn’t stop. As uncertain as the future was, the preparation for it was ours and we enjoyed doing it together. Nothing would take that away from us. When I touched my wife’s body in the shower and pressed the palm of my hand against her tummy, it felt no different than it had felt a month before. There was no hardness, no lumps. It seemed unreal that somewhere beneath her skin, for reasons unknown, her body had produced a substance that was impervious to diamond saw blades and precision lasers—a substance that, at least if you believed the rumours, the Russians were already trying to synthesize to use as tank plating.
For the rest of April it rained. Streaks of water ran crookedly down windowpanes, following the laws of physics but just barely. If you stared long enough at the wet glass you forgot there was anything behind it. Eventually, all you saw was your own distorted reflection. I liked when my wife put her arms around me from behind and pressed her chest against my back. I didn’t feel alone.
Pillow started to show her pregnancy in May. The World Health Organization also amended its initial communique, stating that based on the evidence regarding the prolonged gestations of other mammals, it was no longer able to predict an influx of human births in late December. If mice and gerbils weren’t birthing as predicted, humans might not either. However, the amendment stated, preparations were still proceeding along a nine month timeline, and they were ahead of schedule. When the BBC showed field hospitals in South Sudan, I wondered what the schedule entailed because the images were of skeletal tent-like buildings that despite their newness already had the aura of contamination. My wife said it was naive to expect the same medical standards in developing countries as in developed ones. Perhaps she was right. The BBC repeated the platitude that there wasn’t enough money for everyone, listed the foreign aid and private funds that had come in, and interviewed a tired young doctor who patiently answered questions while wiping sweat from his eyebrows. The United States Supreme Court issued an injunction against the New York Time’s theory of everything evaluation website based on a barrage of challenges from corporations that claimed the website violated their intellectual property. Another website sprang up overnight in Sweden, anonymous and hosted from compact discs. Salvador Abaroa announced a free Tribe of Akna gathering at Wrigley Field. Bakshi called. He and Jacinda had argued, and she’d taken Greta and their car and driven to the gathering in Chicago. We watched it on television. Salvador Abaroa banged his gong and advanced his theories. The world was made of squiggles, not lines, and all this time we’d only been approximating reality in the way an mp3 file approximates sound waves, or the way in which we approximate temperature, by cutting it into neat and stable increments that we mistake as absolutes. Zurich opened its arms for Kurt Schwaller’s funeral, which was interrupted by a streaker baring the logo and slogan of a diaper company. Police tackled the streaker and—for a moment—the mourners cheered. Later, an investigation of Kurt Schwaller’s Dropbox account performed in the name of international security revealed that he had deleted large amounts of files in the days leading up to his suicide. The Mossad, Bakshi told me, had been secretly monitoring Kurt Schwaller for at least the past two years because of his Palestinian sympathies and were now piecing together his computer activities by recreating his monitor displays from the detailed heat signatures they’d collected. The technology was available, Bakshi assured me. It was possible. I was more worried when Ziggy the Ohioan opossum injured his left leg. “Oh my God, what happened?” Yvette asked when she saw his bandaged limb. “You told me to be more physically active, so I tried out for the soccer team, mom,” he answered. “Did you make the team?” My wife’s breath smelled like black coffee. “No, but I sure broke my leg.” After pausing for some canned laughter, Yvette waddled obligingly toward Ziggy. “Well, you should at least have some of my homemade pasta,” she said. I made eating noises. “Do you know why they call it pasta, mom?” My wife turned from the monitor to look at me. “I don’t,” she said in her normal voice. “Because you already ate it,” I said. We laughed, concocted ever sillier plot lines and watched the webcam late into an unusually warm May night.
In June, I returned to work and Pillow joined the list of pregnant mammals now past their due dates. She ate and drank regularly, and other than waddling when she walked she was her old self. My wife started to show signs of pregnancy in June, too. It made me happy even as it reinforced the authenticity of the coming known unknown, as a former American Secretary of Defense might have called it. My wife developed the habit of posing questions in pairs: do you love me, and what do you think will happen to us? Am I the woman that as a boy you dreamed of spending your life with, and if it’s a girl do you hope she’ll be like me? Sometimes she trembled so faintly in her sleep that I wasn’t sure whether she was dreaming or in the process of waking. I pressed my body to hers and said that I wished I could share the pregnancy with her. She said that it didn’t feel like it was hers to share. She said she felt heavy. I massaged her shoulders. We kept the windows open during the day and the screen mesh out because the insects that usually invade southwestern Ontario in late May and early June hadn’t appeared. Birds and reptiles stopped laying eggs. We luxuriated in every bite of pancake that we topped with too much butter and drowned in maple syrup. We talked openly with our mouths full about the future because the world around us had let itself descend into a self-censoring limbo. The opossum webcam went dark. Bakshi dropped by the apartment one night, unannounced and in the middle of a thunderstorm. There was pain on his face. “What if what Kurt Schwaller meant was that fate was not inevitable until we made it so,” he said, sobbing. “What if our reality was a series of forking paths and by discovering the theory of everything we locked ourselves forever into one of them?” Jacinda had left him. “You’ll get her back,” I said. My wife made him a cup of tea that he drank boiling hot. He put down the cup—then picked it up and threw it against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just wanted to see if I could do something that I didn’t really want to do.” I bent down to pick up the broken pieces of porcelain. “You’ll get her back, Bakshi,” my wife said. Rain dripped onto our table from the ends of his black hair. “I don’t think so. I think we’re locked in and Kurt Schwaller took the only way out there is.” We didn’t let him go home. We discretely took all the knives from the kitchen and hid them in our bedroom, and did the same with the medicine in our bathroom, and Bakshi slept on our sofa, snoring loudly. He was still sad in the morning but felt better. We ate scrambled eggs, knowing that unless chickens started laying them again we were having a nonrenewable resource for breakfast.
Time was nonrenewable. My wife and I tried to take advantage of each second. But for every ten things we planned, we only did one. Our ambitions exceeded our abilities. On some days we were inexcusably lazy, lying in bed together until noon, and on others we worked nonstop at jobs like painting the walls, which later seemed insignificant. We considered leaving the city when the smog got too thick and renting a cottage in the country but we didn’t want to be without the safety of the nearness of hospitals and department stores. When we were scared, we made love. We ate a lot. We read short stories to each other. Outside our apartment, the world began to resemble its normal rhythms, with the exception that everywhere you went all the women were visibly pregnant. Some tried to hide it with loosely flowing clothes. Others bared their bellies with pride. I flirted with a supermarket cashier with an Ouroboros tattoo encircling her pierced belly button. After she handed me my change I asked her if she’d had it done before or after March 27. “Before,” she said. “What does it mean?” I asked. “That people have been making up weird shit for a long time and we’re still fucking here.” In Pakistan, the United Nations uncovered a mass grave of girls killed because they were pregnant—to protect the honour of their families. When I was a kid in Catholic school, my favourite saint was Saint Joseph because I wanted to love someone as much as he must have loved Mary to believe her story about a virgin birth.
On July 1, we subduably celebrated Canada Day. On July 4, my wife shook me awake at six in the morning because she was having back spasms and her stomach hurt. She got out of bed, wavered and fell and hit her head on the edge of a shelf, opening up a nasty gash. I helped her to the bathroom sink, where we washed the wound and applied a band-aid. She tried throwing up in the toilet but couldn’t. The sounds of her empty retching made me cold. The cramps got worse. I picked her up and carried her out of the apartment—Pillow whined as I closed the door—and down to the underground garage, where I helped her into the back seat of our car. Pulling out into the street, I was surprised by the amount of traffic. It was still dark out but cars were already barrelling by. On Lake Shore, the traffic was even worse. I turned on the radio and the host was in the middle of a discussion about livestock, so I turned the radio off. Farther in the city foot traffic joined car traffic and the lights couldn’t have changed more slowly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw women collapsing on the sidewalks, clutching their stomachs. I kept my eyes ahead. At a red light, a black woman kept banging on the passenger’s side door until I rolled down the window. She asked if she could get a ride. I asked to where. “To the hospital, where else?” she said in sing-song Jamaican. I let her in and at the green light stepped as heavily on the gas as I could. In the back seat, my wife’s eyes were barely open. The Jamaican woman was in better shape. Noticing my concern, she said, “Don’t worry yourself none. I was like that this morning, too, but I’m better now. It comes and then it goes.” I was still worried. The streets around the hospital were packed with parked cars, but I found a spot by turning the wrong way up a one way street. The wheel hit the curb. I got out. The Jamaican woman helped me with my wife, and the three of us covered the distance from the car to the hospital in minutes. Ambulance sirens wailed close by. I heard the repetitive thump of helicopter blades. I glanced at my watch. 7:24. In the hospital, the hallways and waiting room were packed. There was standing room only. I left my wife leaning against a sliver of wall and ran to the reception desk. The Jamaican woman had disappeared. When I opened my mouth to speak, the receptionist cut me off: “Just take a seat, Mister, same as everybody else. Stay alert, stay calm. If you need water you can get it down the hall. We’re trying to get as many doctors down here as we can as quickly as we can, but the roads are jammed and there’s more than one hospital. That’s all I’ve been told.” I relayed the information to my wife word for word, once I found her—the waiting room was becoming encrusted with layers of incoming people—and then they shut the hospital doors—and my wife nodded, looking at me with eyes that wanted to close. I kept her lids open with my thumbs. My watch read 7:36. I wanted to tell her I loved her but was stupidly embarrassed by the presence of so many people who might laugh. I didn’t want to be cheesy. “It comes and it goes,” I said, “so just keep your eyes open for me until it goes, please.” She smiled, and I touched my lips to hers without kissing them. Her lips were dry. Around me shouts were erupting. There was a television in the corner of the waiting room, showing scenes of crowded hospitals in Sydney and Paris, and violence in Rio de Janeiro, where families huddled together in the streets while men, young and old, flung rocks, bricks and flaming bottles at a cordon of black-clad BOPE behind which politicians and their families were running from shiny cars to state-run clinics. My wife’s weak voice brought me back to the present. “What do you think happened to Monsieur Charles?” she asked. “I don’t know, but I’d guess he’s probably just getting ready for work now,” I said. She smiled and the pressure on my thumbs increased. Her eyes started to roll back into her head. “Don’t go away,” I said. “Don’t leave me.” I felt her eyes sizzle and shake like frying spheres of bacon. I couldn’t hold them open anymore. I didn’t know what to do. The shouting in the hospital had devolved into chaos. “Do you know why they call it pasta?” I said. I didn’t expect her to answer. I didn’t expect any reaction, but, “Because I already ate it,” she said, smiling—and it was the last thing she ever said, her last smile I ever saw, because in that moment there was a horrible whine that made me press my fists against my ears and in the same instant every woman in the hospital exploded.
Since Blood, guts and bone shards blanketed the surfaces of the waiting room, making it look like the inside of an unwashed jar of strawberry jam. My wife was gone. Every woman in the room was gone. The space behind the reception desk stood eerily empty. The television in the corner was showing the splattered lens of a camera that a hand suddenly wiped clean—its burst of motion a shock to the prevailing stillness—to reveal the peaceful image of a Los Angeles street in which bloodied men and boys stood frozen, startled…
I was too numb to speak.
Someone unlocked the hospital doors but nobody entered.
The waiting room smelled like an abattoir.
My clothes smelled like an abattoir.
I walked toward the doors, opened them with my hip and continued into the morning sunlight. I half expected shit to rain down from the skies. If I had a razor blade in my pocket I would have slit my wrists, but all I had was my wallet, my car keys and my phone. Sliding my fingers over the keys reminded me how dull they were. I didn’t want to drive. I didn’t want anything, but if I had to do something I would walk. I stepped on the heel of one shoe with the toe of another and slid my shoe off. The other one I pulled off with my hand. I wasn’t wearing socks. I hadn’t had enough time to put them on. I threw the shoes away. I wanted to walk until my feet hurt so much that I couldn’t walk anymore.
I put one foot in front of the other all the way back to my apartment building, waited for the elevator, and took it to my floor. In the hall, I passed a man wearing clean summer clothes. He didn’t give my bloody ones a second glance. I nodded to him, he nodded back, and I unlocked the door to my apartment and walked in. My feet left footprints on the linoleum. A dark, drying stain in the small space between the fridge and the kitchen wall was all that was left of Pillow. She’d squeezed in and died alone. I took out a mop and rotely removed the stain. Then I took off my clothes, flung them on the bed, which was as unmade as when we left it, took a shower and laid down on the crumpled sheets beside the only pieces of my wife that I had left. My sleep smelled like an abattoir.
submitted by normancrane to stayawake [link] [comments]


2020.07.28 14:12 throwitallaway8787 Recorder secret webcam

I walked out of prison more than three years ago, and have really turned my life around. I have a wonderful girlfriend, a new house, and a great job...but I still struggle daily with porn, and in the past few months things have gotten really bad. This addiction does not simply go away. I posted this a few days ago in several other subs because I myself need serious help and didn't know where to turn, but I'm posting it here mostly because I think reading my story could actually help people. Also, it is helpful for me to hear that people can relate to my story.
If you've starting watching porn that makes you think, "I shouldn't be watching this", then you need to read this. You will continue to seek out more and more extreme porn, and could eventually find yourself in jail. Your entire life can turn upside-down in a millisecond, but right now you have the chance to turn it around.
I relapsed yesterday. This is day one for me of being porn free. Write it in stone.
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I'm really struggling right now, and have been for the majority of my life. If I keep heading down the path I am currently on, I know I will once again find myself in a prison cell, thinking about how amazing my life had been, and wishing I had gotten help before it was too late. I have already gazed once over the smouldering ruins of a life I had worked hard for, only to lose everything in one defining moment. I've risen from the ashes once; I don't think I can do it again.
As a first step, I just need to put the full truth of my behavior out there. I have never told anyone half the stuff I'm about to write here, not even therapists. I really just need to type it out, all of it; I need to see it. I'm not looking for a diagnosis from anyone, but maybe just some thoughts from those who can relate to what I've been going through my entire life. There are crimes mentioned here, but I have already been convicted and served time for every one of them, and I am not currently engaging in any illegal activity.
I am currently in no danger of harming myself or anyone else, unless you count consistently violating the trust of all the people I love. This will eventually lead to me ruining the life I've worked so hard for, as well as destroying everyone I love. This issue, in various forms, has been going on for almost twenty years - all of my teen years and adult life. I don't know what it's like not to be handicapped by this. Enough is enough.
1. Sexuality in my childhood and early teen years.
I grew up financially privileged household with parents who both supported me, and I believe did they absolute best they could. In terms of their treatment of me, I don't ever recall them being anything but supportive in every possible way. As an only child of well-off parents, I was spoiled, and to my memory I really never had to earn the things I wanted. I think that my parents felt guilty for reasons mentioned below, and buying me stuff was seemingly an easy way to make me happy, especially since they both worked full time. A series of full-time babysitters helped take care of me early on. To my memory they were all great.
My parents were constantly yelling at each other. Never any physical abuse, but the yelling never stopped between them. At best guess it was all financial stuff due to my dad buying any car or motorhome or boat or house he liked. I counted once that they split up at least ten times before I was a teenager, and I lived in over twelve different houses (in the same area) before I turned 18. I had normal childhood friends, but I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with the door closed; it was a safe space. I was a very fearful and timid child, and never took chances to do anything that made me uncomfortable. This lack of confidence was strong into my late teens, and was still present until my mid-twenties. I was nervous and anxious all the time, and my parents did have me in therapy various times for depression. It might be worth noting that I regularly wet the bed until probably age 8 or 9. I don't know how much a normal person remembers of their childhood, but I think I remember a lot less than average. I have no reason to think I've repressed any abuse.
I was always extremely well behaved, and never once had to be disciplined in school. I was quite literally never "in trouble". Growing up, I remember adults around me would constantly remark I acted and talked like an adult. The way other kids acted out was very strange to me. I started reading books by myself at a very young age. I was nice, fairly quiet, and unassuming. I guess the best way to describe me would've been "stoic".
I was fascinated with sex a very early age, and my parents gave me "the talk" sometime in elementary school because teachers had noticed my sexual behavior. I have no reason to believe I was ever abused by anyone during this time. Around age 11 I found a page of Hustler magazine underneath a sink in a local grocery store. I had never seen anything like that before, and can still remember exactly what the page looked like - full penetration, cum on faces, anal. Like I said I don't remember much at all from when I was young, but I remember this; it felt like something snapped in my brain.
At best guess, around the age of 13 or 14 I started watching several hours of hardcore internet pornography every night - binge sessions that would keep me up until the early hours of the morning. At the time I didn't think this was abnormal.
I often forget just how terrified I was of girls at this state in my life, because I am now very confident with women. But from puberty and into my early twenties I was painfully inept with girls. If a pretty girl talked to me my face would turn BEET red and I'd start noticeably sweating. With the few girls I felt comfortable with, I was a friend zone extraordinaire. Just like most male teenagers, I was extremely horny, and lusted after every single cute girl, but I never did anything with any of them...not even close until late high school, not even a kiss. Everyone I knew was having sex at 13 and 14 years old, and I felt like a total loser in this regard. Asking a girl out was simply impossible, let alone knowing what to do if they wanted to have sex. This was a constant source of crushing stress, and porn was a temporarily band-aid for the pain. I would like to know if this might be part of the reason I find the jailbait and ageplay stuff so exciting.
I did have one girlfriend for almost two years from age 18 to 20, but I had serious issues getting it up when we had sex. I think my brain was so used to the constant stream of porn every night that real girls were now just boring, intimidating, and a lot of work. She cheated on me, but I stayed with her because she was hot and she told me she loved me. Then we both went to college near each other, but she broke up with me like a month into the first semester via text. I was crushed and didn't get into another relationship until I was 25. Before my mid-twenties my level of confidence with girls was simply abysmal.
To the best of my knowledge, my movement outside normal pornography started during my late teens/early 20s with hentai, then into paying camgirls, then to making posts on Craigslist in all the personal sections, but mostly m4m because the people were real and looking. At some point later on I started looking at loli hentai, which I've recently learned actually appears to be illegal in the USA. This seems like a defining moment because prior to this I had no urge to seek out anything "young". The girls looked young in hentai, and it seemed at some point to just slowly progress to drawings which were meant to actually resemble children. It was a very long, slow, and imperceptible shift from regular porn to extreme, but to me, looking back, the path is very distinct.
I consider myself straight, and not even bisexual. But I also talked to hundreds of men during this period of time by way of the Craigslist personals section (probably age 21 at this point). Most I just talked to, and never intended to meet. I ended up giving blowjobs to two of them in cars, and I fucking hated it each time. I compulsively created and responded to these posts on Craigslist. I recently deleted that email account - there were literally thousands of those Craigslist emails.
2. Worsening compulsive porn use in my early twenties.
At this point I started venturing more and more into "deviant" porn. After a huge binge session I would finish and just sit there numb, wondering why I was continuously doing this, even if it was just regular porn. Shame and guilt hit me like a truck after every session, but when I would wake up the next day I seemingly forgot about everything, and just would go on with my normal life. Nobody realized I had any porn issues whatsoever, and from the outside I appeared as a normal dude, and really I didn't think I had issues. Every night was the same, and every night I ended up going to bed hating myself, but would be just blissfully ignorant come the next day.
It was like some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit where I would just transform into some slimy reptile at night, who had full control of me until he finished a smut binge session. And I'm always in the background, trying to get him to stop. I was "happy" at this point; I had tons of friends, and was liked by girls. Though at that time, a girl would have to literally throw herself on me to let me know she was interested. I was totally oblivious to any attraction toward me. A number of girl have told me in recent years that they had a huge crush on me, but I was just oblivious.
Also, I think I had this warped perception of sex because I had been exposed to thousands of hours of hardcore porn. I thought my dick was tiny and that I'd get laughed at. Also, no one had ever property taught me to care for my uncircumcised penis, and therefore I had phimosis at this point (unretractable foreskin). Sex with my one long term girlfriend was painful for me because of this, and it was just so much easier to jack off than deal with all this humiliation.
3. Things get bad.
Around 2009 Chatroulette and Omegle came out, which was a turning point. I found myself calling in sick to work to browse Omegle all day and night. Like eight or ten hours worth, which is sometimes what it took to find a girl willing to help you finish. There were girls who were definitely younger than 18, but I was so desperate for any sexual attention that I somehow convinced myself that talking to these girls was OK. "If they don't say they're under 18 then it's ok, right??" I didn't have a preference for anyone younger, but if some girl was willing to watch me, apparently I didn't really care what their age was. At the end of all these sessions I would think, "uh, what the fuck are you doing dude", followed by the normal torrent of shame.
The rational me is always there, literally begging myself to stop. I consistently participate in things I am ashamed of, all the while telling myself that what I'm doing is wrong and hoping that I can somehow stop myself. I feel like I'm down a dark well, screaming up at the guy who is in charge, but all he wants to is consume the dirtiest and kinkiest smut he can find; only after that will he let me climb out.
Which brings us to when I started looking at non-nude jailbait photos around the age of 23. I'm not sure when I discovered the "Newstar" and "Tinymodel" photo sets, but to that reptile dude in my head they were extremely exciting.
Historically, I have never had any intense sexual attraction to girls younger than me, and I have always sought out girls within my age range. But being honest, part of me loved looking at these pictures of young scantily clad girls. Vanilla porn was now just uninteresting, and didn't provide me the same excitement, and this jailbait stuff was literally like I had found a new drug. I loved it and I fucking hated it. I never walked around in public and saw young girls and thought "wow I want to have sex with her". It was all photo and video based. It was like the girls I was looking at online weren't even real people to me.
It was not long before I started seeking out actual underage pornography. I have intentionally searched for and masturbated to actual child pornography. I have never actually said that sentence to anyone, despite the fact that I was eventually caught and charged with possession of this shit. I only got into this stuff for a few weeks, but I fucking hate that I participated in it at all. A lot of it was just videos of young girls solo on webcams, but there were a few times I sought out, watched, and masturbated to girls probably as young as ten participating in sex acts with older men, presumably their fathers. I cannot un-see these images; I want them ripped from my brain, and for these kids to have normal lives. I want their abusers jailed for life.
After these binge sessions the shame was so great I considered suicide. I would go on binge sessions on the dark web, looking at whatever I could for hours, only to be met with the worst shame you could possibly imagine when I was done. I would lay in bed for days afterwards, not eating or drinking. I remember the thing that finally woke me the fuck up was coming across a video where a young girl was on camera and started to cry and looked at someone off screen and said "dad, can't we just play with legos?". WHAT THE FUCK. I have tears in my eyes just remembering this. How could anyone actually do something like this to a child? This is a real person.
Right then and there I broke down completely and sobbed my fucking eyes out. I felt completely out of control with my own actions, and though the thought of abusing a child disgusts me to my core, by watching this stuff I was supporting it. I don't want to fuck kids or young teens, so why am I watching this stuff? A few years prior to this I would have never considered looking at this stuff...what the fuck was happening to me? How do you even get help for this stuff? If I tell someone I'm looking at this shit they'll just lock me up. Instead of talking to anyone about what was going on in my own head, I moved 2,000 miles away from my home town to a town I had never visited before. I didn't even have a job lined up. Literally I hit rock bottom, panicked that the only solution was to fundamentally change my life, looked up the "happiest and healthiest town in America", and moved to #1. I'm now in my mid-twenties.
4. Moving away from home. Peace. Happiness. Misery. Police.
Initially, moving away from home did "the trick". I could actually call myself truly "happy" for the first time I think really ever, and I was healthy to boot. The possibilities in my life seemed absolutely without limit. I started working out and doing a bunch of stuff outside (rode my bike everywhere cause I didn't have a car). It was a mountainous town and I got involved in climbing, skiing, and everything else I could. I felt "clear" for the first time in decades, and my porn use pretty stopped almost completely. But I never dealt with the actual problem (and still haven't), and everything came back eventually.
I met a girl in the apartment complex one street over who I quickly fell head over heels for. We started hooking up, but it became apparent we wanted different things (I wanted commitment, she didn't), and I drove myself crazy over the next two years pining after her. I'd ask her to make things official, she'd run off, I'd date someone else, she'd get upset and sleep with me and tell me she loved me, then she'd start sleeping with someone else. We were in the same friend group, and she refused to let anyone know that we were intimate with each other. Eventually I just ended up feeling like a shameful secret. We were basically best friends who spent all our time together, and sometimes slept together. The story is long, and I think I'm at fault as much for not giving her space as she is for constantly vacillating between "loving" me and sleeping with other guys. Nothing was ever malicious on her end, but I think we were both a bit fucked up in our own ways, and eventually I found myself in a serious emotional decline. I felt hopeless and worthless; previously I had been filled with a newfound massive confidence, but now found myself just wanting to feel wanted. Before all the shit hit the fan I found myself sometimes calling her dozens of times in a night because I knew she was over some guys house. I drove around town looking for her car in front of dudes houses. I literally felt like I had lost my mind. During these times I had the same voice in the back of my head saying "uhhh, dude? this is fucked up and you need to stop".
Since moving to this city I had landed a great job with a company where I was well-liked and respected. I had tons of friends, and was like a goddamn social butterfly; I was always somewhere doing something with good people. I was so happy in almost every aspect of my life. I had been such a "scared" person my entire life, the fact that I was able to move here and succeed filled me with a confidence I had never experienced. If I could have just gotten my head out of my ass and focused on how amazing my life actually had become, I'd probably still be in this town.
But instead I dug myself into an emotional grave because the girl I wanted didn't want me in the same way, and I couldn't cope, or something. I had several other really fantastic women I was seeing on and off, ones who really liked me for me and would have been up for actual relationships, but they weren't her. In a very short period of time, towards the end of the two years of living in this new town, I got right back into the type of porn I ran away from. I started posting on Craigslist in multiple sections with both fake ads and real ads. I went from 0 to 1,000 with everything in the span of probably six months. I gave two more guys blowjobs, and once again fucking hated every second of both experience. I got right back into non-nude jailbait, and towards the end found myself on the dark web once again seeking illegal porn.
During this time I had posted several ads on Craigslist looking for actual women to sleep with, or really even just talk to; I just wanted to feel wanted. I never posted any ads actually looking for an underage girl, but one responded claiming to be 13, and against ever fiber of my being, I responded. We talked over the span of about five days, email and then through text. She complained about how all the girls at school made fun of her and she didn't have many friends and just wanted someone to talk to about "stuff". I seemed "cool" and "interesting" and she said she liked talking to me. We eventually talked about sexual things (this in itself is a felony), but fortunately no pictures were exchanged. Eventually the topic of meeting each other was brought up. I vacillated between thinking this was some old greasy dude in his basement, and thinking that I was actually talking to a young girl. This doubt gave me permission in my own head to talk to this girl. But also my own head was telling me "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STOP THIS." The thought of sexually talking to a 13 year old girl excited me, and I need to be honest about this. The idea of meeting up excited me as well. "She" tried to get me to meet her, but I did not make any attempt, and never actually set anything up. The rational voice in my head won out, and I stopped talking to her.
Right before I stopped talking to her I found myself driving down a long beautiful mountain road after work and Norah Jones's "Come Away With Me" came on the radio. It was so beautiful. All of a sudden it really hit me how fucking stupid I was in talking to this girl, but also how long I had been struggling with doing things I didn't want to do for so long, and how I just didn't know how to escape it. I pulled over to the side of the road and bawled my fucking eyes out. "Is this how you're going to find happiness, dude?" I just wanted to find someone to love and to love me back, to be in a healthy relationship for the first time, to feel "clean" and wholesome and proud of my actions and decisions. I didn't want any of this stupid shit I was now suddenly back into.
A week or so after I stopped communicating with this girl, five detectives woke me up at 6am banging on the door of my apartment. I was not under arrest, but they took all of my electronics and informed me that I had actually been talking to them, not to a 13 year old girl. I thought the life I knew was over (I was right), so that night I held a kitchen knife up to my arm. I thought of my parents and just couldn't go through with it. I've never seriously thought about anything like this since that moment.
I didn't hear from the police for about four months. I told my parents what had happened the day after the cops showed up, and how I had been struggling with pornography addiction my entire life, and it felt good to be "honest" (really I didn't tell them half the shit I had issues with, but even halfway felt great). I got a lawyer and just sat around for a few months waiting to be arrested, sitting with the severe anxiety of not knowing if or when my life is going to be totally destroyed by committing a sex offense.
5. Arrest. Conviction. A promise to myself.
They arrested me outside my home in broad daylight, two plainclothes officers driving an old shitty Honda Civic. If they had just told me to come to the station I would have turned myself in, but they got all theatrical with it, and called me and made up some story about how they were from my old apartment complex and wanted to drop off my security deposit at my house. To this day whenever I hear a car door shut outside my house, or see an unknown car park nearby, or even dudes in public who look like undercover cops, I immediately get a severe rush of anxiety in the fear that I'm about to be arrested again. I'll go from totally relaxed to severe paranoid paralyzing anxiety in a microsecond, heart beating out of my damn chest.
My arrest should have been a small blip in the news, but because of some other factors it would take too long to go into, I ended up on the front page of every paper and TV station in the state. Sitting in jail, I didn't know this until the next day. I remember sitting in the bond hearing court room, just staring at the line of media photographers in the audience with all their telephoto lenses, capturing my face to put it in the papers underneath words like "predator", "pedophile", and "sex offender"....and they did. My lawyer came in and just said some shit like "yeah, sorry dude, you are everywhere". It's a very unique feeling knowing that from this point forward, absolutely everything in your life will be different. Every relationship you have will be affected. Nothing will ever be the same.
I vowed right then and there to never give up no matter how tough the road ahead gets. I'm going to live a life I can be proud of; this will be my success story. Maybe I'll write a book about it, but it would be pointless without an ending I could be proud of and honest about. I will be the guy who, against all odds, moves beyond a criminal sex offense, and has people who love and trust him, and who can eventually look back and say "look at what I achieved". I've made great strides toward this life, and have worked my ass off to get where I am now, but the the mental issues which led to my eventual imprisonment are still inside my head, and I finally need to admit that I need serious help.
6. Finding happiness while everything around me is on fire.
My parents bonded me out the next day. Though my boss tried his best to keep me, the widespread news of my arrest and the fact that we were one of the most respected (and well known) general contractors in the area meant I lost my job. I was friends with over a dozen guys I worked with, always drinking some beers behind the workshop after a day of hard work. I was there fore over a year, building relationships, and I had started going out to bars and going over the bosses houses for family dinners. Save for the three main guys, I never saw any of them again. Lots of friends stuck by me, but the town was ruined.
I fought the case for almost a year. What started out as my lawyer being confident that I would just get a few years probation turned into me pleading guilty to internet solicitation of a minor and possession of child pornography. I had I think like seven nude images of girls who were under 18 on my computer, and one video. My lawyer dropped the ball several times when communicating / meeting deadlines with the district attorney, and the situation became way worse than it should have been. Under my lawyers advisement I signed a plea deal which meant there was no question I would get a prison sentence between 2 and 8 years. I did commit crimes and it is my opinion that I did deserve punishment. I mean, from the outside, I can see how I looked like a run-of-the-mill child predator. However, spending a few years in prison is probably the least helpful thing for someone in my situation, in my opinion.
While I was home fighting my case I was filled with a sort of "I have nothing to lose" confidence, and started taking any girl who would accept out on dates. I thought my friends sister was cute, so I asked her out. It took a good number of tries, but she eventually agreed to let me take her to dinner. We had a really great time. After a couple dates I was honest about the legal situation I was in, as well as my mental struggles. She was a bit shocked of course, but she had known me for a long time. She stuck around, and we had the most beautiful summer together before I had to fly 2,000 miles away to serve an unknown amount of prison time. She, as well as my parents, sisters, and friends flew out with me to the sentencing hearing. My girlfriend and I told each other "I love you" for the first time the night before the hearing.
We're still together, and she's been by my side through everything the past five years. I've never met someone who was so easy to be around. How I could ever get so lucky, I will never know.
7. Prison. Gangs. Solitary confinement. Making the most of it.
I was sentenced to four years in a medium security state penitentiary. The gangs pretty much run the prisons in this state, and you'll get immediately extorted by the gang which coincides with your skin color if they find out you're a sex offender. I stayed under the radar for a few weeks, but some gangs save newspaper clippings with sex offenders photos, and I got found out. They threatened to kill me, so I told the guards I was in danger; they agreed. I spent a month and a half in solitary confinement for my own protection. This was "the hole", a cell with no window to the outside where they never turn the lights off). I was eventually transferred to a different facility which was much safer, though one sex offender was murdered during my stay there. Prison could be a book in itself, but most of it was just groundhog day. It would be best described as long periods of mind-numbing boredom interspersed with occasional moments of sheer fucking terror. I was extremely fortunate to talk to my girlfriend every single day on the phone, as well as very regularly my parents, relatives, and friends. I had a ridiculous number of visitors, despite being a 2,000 mile flight and hours long drive through the desert away from everyone I cared about.
I had started taking mindfulness meditation classes after the initial search warrant was served. This habit continued into prison, and most of my month and a half in the hole was spent meditating. Solitary confinement can be maddening; you could occasionally hear guys screaming or crying in other ~60 cells in the solitary cell block. But honestly I've never been more at peace than how I was during those 45 days. I remember my girlfriend told me over the phone that she had heard that my ex girlfriend (long term one from when I was ~19) was going around telling people the news that I was a child molester. At first I felt panicked, because this firestorm of people I went to high school with "finding out" about me was totally out of my control. But then I came to the realization that that's pretty much how life always is, even if you're not a convicted sex offender sitting in the hole because the Aryan Empire wants to kill you. You could just be a dude minding his business, and then bam, you get run over by a bus. I can't control what people think of me, or the things they say, and that's ok. But I should be able to control which thoughts I turn into actions, and meditation helped me greatly in this.
At this new facility I eventually petitioned the warden to allow me to start a weekly meditation group. He allowed it, and they gave me a quiet classroom behind the library to use for two hours every Wednesday night. It started out with pretty much just me alone, maybe one other person occasionally. Within a few months I had about a dozen regular members. Everyone from sex offenders, to men who had murdered their wives and didn't quite know why, to ex gang members. Twice we had meditation instructors come from the outside to teach for a day. We meditated and discussed how to find peace in a place as abrasive as prison. I taught these men that their thoughts do not need to dictate their actions, and that they have control over their own mind, not the other way around. Focus on the breath, observe your own thoughts coming in and observe them going out. At this point my mind felt healthier than ever had before; I could "see" the thoughts which entered my head and choose to either pursue them or just send them on their way. Through daily practice (I meditated every morning and night) I was becoming a master of my own mind, but now I seem to have lost it all. I can't even bring myself to sit on my mediation cushion; I feel like someone is physically preventing me from meditating. I based almost my entire practice around a fantastic book called "Turning the Mind into an Ally" by Sakyong Mipham. Right after I got out of prison I heard that there were recent multiple credible sexual assault allegations against him. This destroyed me a little bit. Is anyone actually righteous?
I called the prison a few months ago. The meditation group has more members than ever.
8. I shall be released (but with an ankle bracelet).
I was paroled at my first parole hearing. Overall I spent about twenty months in prison, out of a possible 48. This didn't just happen; I have never worked so hard at anything. I participated in every prison program I could. I worked 40+ hours a week as a maintenance technician at the facility, as this is my area of expertise. I was well known and liked by dozens of guards, probably partly because I never caused a single issue. I was in three bands, and after I played a live show for the entire ~1,000 inmate population the gangs left me alone because they liked hearing me play guitar (pretty much the only thing I've stuck with for the last 15 years). I volunteered to give a ten minute graduation speech to a couple hundred inmates in a certain program. At this time, public speaking was at the top of my list of fears. I took every single opportunity presented to me an capitalized on it. Not just because I wanted to be released, but because I felt compelled to. No more being scared. No more fucking around. I am ready to lead a life I can be proud of, and it starts now, not when I'm released from behind bars.
Thankfully I was allowed to parole to my home state. I moved in with my girlfriend (and her mom), and we started looking for places to rent together, finding one in about a month. My parole office was amazing, and when I was eventually released from parole, after about a year and a half, we shared a good number of beers together. I can't tell you quite how good it feels to cut a heavy cigarette-pack sized ankle bracelet off after wearing it for 18 months straight. This was almost a year and a half ago now.
It was finally done. I was no longer a number in the Department of Corrections. I was free, free to build a beautiful life with my beautiful girlfriend. And I never watched porn again. Fairy tale ending.
9. P.S. - Nothing has really changed.
I started looking at porn probably two days after I got home. I tried REALLY fucking hard not to, but it just happened like I was on autopilot. It started with just me giving myself the excuse I could jerk off to some scantily clad anime girls, then moved to ecchi ("I mean, whatever, it's just nipples dude"), and then to hentai. In my head I'm screaming at myself, "DUDE STOP, GO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR ACTUAL HORNY GIRLFRIEND", while I'm loading up Pornhub in the bathroom. I was not allowed to look at porn while on parole, but they did not actually monitor anything or ever actually check my devices. I was allowed a smart phone and essentially unrestricted internet access. I passed all my drug tests, passed my polygraphs, and presented no actual problems to the parole office, so I pretty much totally fell off their radar. I had to take state-sponsored sex offender therapy, but if I had admitted to looking at porn they would've just sent me back to prison because it was a parole violation. So much for getting help with your biggest problem.
I tried to stop, dozens of times. At most I could go about two weeks without looking at porn, which is pretty much a world record for me. But whenever I abstain for a long period, something will inevitably stress me out, and I'll dive back into the sexual compulsion. Soon, I got right back on Omegle, and found a new thing to search for: phone sex. In the past eighteen months I've probably have phone sex with at least three dozen women. In my mind, and I'm sure in the mind of my girlfriend, this is cheating, plain and simple. Again, what the fuck dude.
But I'm not thinking of this when we're together. I'm just being me, and enjoying her. There's no present thought in my mind going "hey I feel really guilty about having phone sex with girls right before you get home from work". I love her, and I love spending time with her, and none of the shameful shit I am involved in even enters my mind when we are together. Though occasionally during sex I'll get hit with a wave of shame and I'll lose my erection and can't get it back up. "I'm just really tired", I say. Ugh.
Probably 6 months ago I started looking non-nude jailbait photography again. It always happens the same - I tell myself, "ok you're horny so just jerk off for ten minutes to some vanilla stuff so you can think clearly and after that you're gonna get a bunch of shit done". Two hours later I've still got my hand on my dick, I'm all flushed and sweaty, and I'm looking at jailbait pictures while I'm screaming at myself inside my own head...
"Stop. Please stop. Dude you know you don't want to be doing this. Is this going to be the last time? If you need to finish just do it but make this the last time. You can still stop. Go take a cold shower and just stop. Please. You know this isn't what you want. Please stop".
I just burst into fucking tears typing that because I've gone through that loop in my own head literally tens of thousands of times. I just cannot stop myself. There is nothing I want more in this world than to stop all of this.
It just keeps happening, no matter how many strategies I use to stop, I always find an excuse.
"Just do it this once but then never again."
"Ok fine, jerk off to some legal jailbait stuff, but make it quick, no endless scrolling."
"Well you're a freak anyways, everyone thinks you're a pedo, so fuck it, prove em right. You know you can't stop so just embrace it and enjoy it. Let's find the kinkiest shit possible."
And when I DO abstain for a long period, when I eventually relapse it's just 1000x worse. I'll end up doing like an eight hour binge and missing an entire day of work.
And it's getting worse. I'll talk to girls and guys over the phone via Omegle, and I've started asking guys to roleplay a dad/daughter or brothelittle sister fantasy with me. I ask if they want to roleplay that we're dads and have "hot" stories to tell about our young daughters. I get turned on thinking about talking about something this kinky, but I end up hanging up every time within like a minute. Like literally I've never even gotten close to "finishing" on one of these calls. Probably done this like 15 times in the past 6 months. The other guy starts going into his fantasy story and it hits me how fucked up this is and I hang up. I don't want to fuck kids...this is not a thing that is on my mind, ever. I do not go to the beach and think "hell yeah look at all this ripe young ass". Almost all of my friends have young children and I've never once thought of doing anything with them. In fact I pretty much avoid children, because I now project what I think other people think of me onto myself.
When I ask these guys on Omegle to roleplay occaisonally one will ask if I'm "active", aka actually molesting a child, and it makes me want to throw up thinking someone would want to hear about actual abuse. When I read a news story about someone actually raping a kid my face curls up in disgust, which I feel like is pretty much the "normal" reaction. Weigh that against the fact that a couple times in prison I got horny and started writing a few sex stories involving young teens. I never finished any of these stories, and shredded and threw them out halfway through writing all of them. Again, what the fuck.
I'm just waiting for the FBI to show up at my house. Isn't asking guys on Omegle, "would you be into a fantasy where we roleplay as two dads telling hot stories about our daughters?" a huge red flag? But I always tell them, "this is 100% fantasy, and I do not want to hear about anything real. I do not want to receive pictures or participate in anything actually illegal." If they say they have real stories I leave the chat / hang up immediately. Even though I'm not doing anything illegal, whenever I hear a car door shut from a neighbor, my heart races and I have to get up from my desk to check if it's the cops.
I also sometimes ask the phone sex girls on Omegle to ageplay as a young teens for me, and pretty much all of them have been happy to. Like 15, 14, 13 years old, whatever they're comfortable with. Why do I want this? Why is there such a disconnect between what I find disgusting in real life and what I "want" to fantasize about? If I could pay someone my entire life savings to remove the part of my brain that harbors this desire to fantasize about the idea of sex with young girls, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I do not and have not talked with anyone on Omegle or on the phone who says that they are actually under 18; at least prison taught me the lesson to never talk to an actual young person ever again. Maybe in some peoples opinions the ageplay thing is acceptable and nothing to be ashamed about, but I do not want it as a kink of mine. It brings me serious, crushing shame for days after I participate in it.
Shame really seems to be a constant theme of my sexuality throughout the years. Even after normal sex I feel a bit of shame. I've always had serious shame amount my body, especially my genitals, but even with just taking off my shirt. My parents were always open to talk about sex, and to my memory never did anything to instill shame in me when it came to sex. But stepping back it almost looks like the things that I find the most shameful are the things I'm most likely to seek out.
Post too long, last two chapters have been posted in a comment.
submitted by throwitallaway8787 to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.07.24 19:44 throwitallaway8787 I cannot stop looking at non-nude jailbait photos. I just bought my first house with my girlfriend, love my job, and overall my life is great - I am "happy". Three years ago I walked out of prison for a related sex offense. I'm starting to repeat the same behavior, and I don't know how to get help.

This is a very long post. At the very least, I promise you an interesting story.
I'm really struggling right now, and have been for the majority of my life. If I keep heading down the path I am currently on, I know I will once again find myself in a prison cell, thinking about how amazing my life had been, and wishing I had gotten help before it was too late. I have already gazed once over the smouldering ruins of a life I had worked hard for, only to lose everything in one defining moment. I've risen from the ashes once; I don't think I can do it again.
As a first step, I just need to put the full truth of my behavior out there. I have never told anyone half the stuff I'm about to write here, not even therapists. I really just need to type it out, all of it; I need to see it. I'm not looking for a diagnosis from anyone, but maybe just some thoughts from those who can relate to what I've been going through my entire life. There are crimes mentioned here, but I have already been convicted and served time for every one of them, and I am not currently engaging in any illegal activity.
I am currently in no danger of harming myself or anyone else, unless you count consistently violating the trust of all the people I love. This will eventually lead to me ruining the life I've worked so hard for, as well as destroying everyone I love. This issue, in various forms, has been going on for almost twenty years - all of my teen years and adult life. I don't know what it's like not to be handicapped by this. Enough is enough.
1. Sexuality in my childhood and early teen years.
I grew up financially privileged household with parents who both supported me, and I believe did they absolute best they could. In terms of their treatment of me, I don't ever recall them being anything but supportive in every possible way. As an only child of well-off parents, I was spoiled, and to my memory I really never had to earn the things I wanted. I think that my parents felt guilty for reasons mentioned below, and buying me stuff was seemingly an easy way to make me happy, especially since they both worked full time. A series of full-time babysitters helped take care of me early on. To my memory they were all great.
My parents were constantly yelling at each other. Never any physical abuse, but the yelling never stopped between them. At best guess it was all financial stuff due to my dad buying any car or motorhome or boat or house he liked. I counted once that they split up at least ten times before I was a teenager, and I lived in over twelve different houses (in the same area) before I turned 18. I had normal childhood friends, but I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with the door closed; it was a safe space. I was a very fearful and timid child, and never took chances to do anything that made me uncomfortable. This lack of confidence was strong into my late teens, and was still present until my mid-twenties. I was nervous and anxious all the time, and my parents did have me in therapy various times for depression. It might be worth noting that I regularly wet the bed until probably age 8 or 9. I don't know how much a normal person remembers of their childhood, but I think I remember a lot less than average. I have no reason to think I've repressed any abuse.
I was always extremely well behaved, and never once had to be disciplined in school. I was quite literally never "in trouble". Growing up, I remember adults around me would constantly remark I acted and talked like an adult. The way other kids acted out was very strange to me. I started reading books by myself at a very young age. I was nice, fairly quiet, and unassuming. I guess the best way to describe me would've been "stoic".
I was fascinated with sex a very early age, and my parents gave me "the talk" sometime in elementary school because teachers had noticed my sexual behavior. I have no reason to believe I was ever abused by anyone during this time. Around age 11 I found a page of Hustler magazine underneath a sink in a local grocery store. I had never seen anything like that before, and can still remember exactly what the page looked like - full penetration, cum on faces, anal. Like I said I don't remember much at all from when I was young, but I remember this; it felt like something snapped in my brain.
At best guess, around the age of 13 or 14 I started watching several hours of hardcore internet pornography every night - binge sessions that would keep me up until the early hours of the morning. At the time I didn't think this was abnormal.
I often forget just how terrified I was of girls at this state in my life, because I am now very confident with women. But from puberty and into my early twenties I was painfully inept with girls. If a pretty girl talked to me my face would turn BEET red and I'd start noticeably sweating. With the few girls I felt comfortable with, I was a friend zone extraordinaire. Just like most male teenagers, I was extremely horny, and lusted after every single cute girl, but I never did anything with any of them...not even close until late high school, not even a kiss. Everyone I knew was having sex at 13 and 14 years old, and I felt like a total loser in this regard. Asking a girl out was simply impossible, let alone knowing what to do if they wanted to have sex. This was a constant source of crushing stress, and porn was a temporarily band-aid for the pain. I would like to know if this might be part of the reason I find the jailbait and ageplay stuff so exciting.
I did have one girlfriend for almost two years from age 18 to 20, but I had serious issues getting it up when we had sex. I think my brain was so used to the constant stream of porn every night that real girls were now just boring, intimidating, and a lot of work. She cheated on me, but I stayed with her because she was hot and she told me she loved me. Then we both went to college near each other, but she broke up with me like a month into the first semester via text. I was crushed and didn't get into another relationship until I was 25. Before my mid-twenties my level of confidence with girls was simply abysmal.
To the best of my knowledge, my movement outside normal pornography started during my late teens/early 20s with hentai, then into paying camgirls, then to making posts on Craigslist in all the personal sections, but mostly m4m because the people were real and looking. At some point later on I started looking at loli hentai, which I've recently learned actually appears to be illegal in the USA. This seems like a defining moment because prior to this I had no urge to seek out anything "young". The girls looked young in hentai, and it seemed at some point to just slowly progress to drawings which were meant to actually resemble children. It was a very long, slow, and imperceptible shift from regular porn to extreme, but to me, looking back, the path is very distinct.
I consider myself straight, and not even bisexual. But I also talked to hundreds of men during this period of time by way of the Craigslist personals section (probably age 21 at this point). Most I just talked to, and never intended to meet. I ended up giving blowjobs to two of them in cars, and I fucking hated it each time. I compulsively created and responded to these posts on Craigslist. I recently deleted that email account - there were literally thousands of those Craigslist emails.
2. Worsening compulsive porn use in my early twenties.
At this point I started venturing more and more into "deviant" porn. After a huge binge session I would finish and just sit there numb, wondering why I was continuously doing this, even if it was just regular porn. Shame and guilt hit me like a truck after every session, but when I would wake up the next day I seemingly forgot about everything, and just would go on with my normal life. Nobody realized I had any porn issues whatsoever, and from the outside I appeared as a normal dude, and really I didn't think I had issues. Every night was the same, and every night I ended up going to bed hating myself, but would be just blissfully ignorant come the next day.
It was like some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit where I would just transform into some slimy reptile at night, who had full control of me until he finished a smut binge session. And I'm always in the background, trying to get him to stop. I was "happy" at this point; I had tons of friends, and was liked by girls. Though at that time, a girl would have to literally throw herself on me to let me know she was interested. I was totally oblivious to any attraction toward me. A number of girl have told me in recent years that they had a huge crush on me, but I was just oblivious.
Also, I think I had this warped perception of sex because I had been exposed to thousands of hours of hardcore porn. I thought my dick was tiny and that I'd get laughed at. Also, no one had ever property taught me to care for my uncircumcised penis, and therefore I had phimosis at this point (unretractable foreskin). Sex with my one long term girlfriend was painful for me because of this, and it was just so much easier to jack off than deal with all this humiliation.
3. Things get bad.
Around 2009 Chatroulette and Omegle came out, which was a turning point. I found myself calling in sick to work to browse Omegle all day and night. Like eight or ten hours worth, which is sometimes what it took to find a girl willing to help you finish. There were girls who were definitely younger than 18, but I was so desperate for any sexual attention that I somehow convinced myself that talking to these girls was OK. "If they don't say they're under 18 then it's ok, right??" I didn't have a preference for anyone younger, but if some girl was willing to watch me, apparently I didn't really care what their age was. At the end of all these sessions I would think, "uh, what the fuck are you doing dude", followed by the normal torrent of shame.
The rational me is always there, literally begging myself to stop. I consistently participate in things I am ashamed of, all the while telling myself that what I'm doing is wrong and hoping that I can somehow stop myself. I feel like I'm down a dark well, screaming up at the guy who is in charge, but all he wants to is consume the dirtiest and kinkiest smut he can find; only after that will he let me climb out.
Which brings us to when I started looking at non-nude jailbait photos around the age of 23. I'm not sure when I discovered the "Newstar" and "Tinymodel" photo sets, but to that reptile dude in my head they were extremely exciting.
Historically, I have never had any intense sexual attraction to girls younger than me, and I have always sought out girls within my age range. But being honest, part of me loved looking at these pictures of young scantily clad girls. Vanilla porn was now just uninteresting, and didn't provide me the same excitement, and this jailbait stuff was literally like I had found a new drug. I loved it and I fucking hated it. I never walked around in public and saw young girls and thought "wow I want to have sex with her". It was all photo and video based. It was like the girls I was looking at online weren't even real people to me.
It was not long before I started seeking out actual underage pornography. I have intentionally searched for and masturbated to actual child pornography. I have never actually said that sentence to anyone, despite the fact that I was eventually caught and charged with possession of this shit. I only got into this stuff for a few weeks, but I fucking hate that I participated in it at all. A lot of it was just videos of young girls solo on webcams, but there were a few times I sought out, watched, and masturbated to girls probably as young as ten participating in sex acts with older men, presumably their fathers. I cannot un-see these images; I want them ripped from my brain, and for these kids to have normal lives. I want their abusers jailed for life.
After these binge sessions the shame was so great I considered suicide. I would go on binge sessions on the dark web, looking at whatever I could for hours, only to be met with the worst shame you could possibly imagine when I was done. I would lay in bed for days afterwards, not eating or drinking. I remember the thing that finally woke me the fuck up was coming across a video where a young girl was on camera and started to cry and looked at someone off screen and said "dad, can't we just play with legos?". WHAT THE FUCK. I have tears in my eyes just remembering this. How could anyone actually do something like this to a child? This is a real person.
Right then and there I broke down completely and sobbed my fucking eyes out. I felt completely out of control with my own actions, and though the thought of abusing a child disgusts me to my core, by watching this stuff I was supporting it. I don't want to fuck kids or young teens, so why am I watching this stuff? A few years prior to this I would have never considered looking at this stuff...what the fuck was happening to me? How do you even get help for this stuff? If I tell someone I'm looking at this shit they'll just lock me up. Instead of talking to anyone about what was going on in my own head, I moved 2,000 miles away from my home town to a town I had never visited before. I didn't even have a job lined up. Literally I hit rock bottom, panicked that the only solution was to fundamentally change my life, looked up the "happiest and healthiest town in America", and moved to #1. I'm now in my mid-twenties.
4. Moving away from home. Peace. Happiness. Misery. Police.
Initially, moving away from home did "the trick". I could actually call myself truly "happy" for the first time I think really ever, and I was healthy to boot. The possibilities in my life seemed absolutely without limit. I started working out and doing a bunch of stuff outside (rode my bike everywhere cause I didn't have a car). It was a mountainous town and I got involved in climbing, skiing, and everything else I could. I felt "clear" for the first time in decades, and my porn use pretty stopped almost completely. But I never dealt with the actual problem (and still haven't), and everything came back eventually.
I met a girl in the apartment complex one street over who I quickly fell head over heels for. We started hooking up, but it became apparent we wanted different things (I wanted commitment, she didn't), and I drove myself crazy over the next two years pining after her. I'd ask her to make things official, she'd run off, I'd date someone else, she'd get upset and sleep with me and tell me she loved me, then she'd start sleeping with someone else. We were in the same friend group, and she refused to let anyone know that we were intimate with each other. Eventually I just ended up feeling like a shameful secret. We were basically best friends who spent all our time together, and sometimes slept together. The story is long, and I think I'm at fault as much for not giving her space as she is for constantly vacillating between "loving" me and sleeping with other guys. Nothing was ever malicious on her end, but I think we were both a bit fucked up in our own ways, and eventually I found myself in a serious emotional decline. I felt hopeless and worthless; previously I had been filled with a newfound massive confidence, but now found myself just wanting to feel wanted. Before all the shit hit the fan I found myself sometimes calling her dozens of times in a night because I knew she was over some guys house. I drove around town looking for her car in front of dudes houses. I literally felt like I had lost my mind. During these times I had the same voice in the back of my head saying "uhhh, dude? this is fucked up and you need to stop".
Since moving to this city I had landed a great job with a company where I was well-liked and respected. I had tons of friends, and was like a goddamn social butterfly; I was always somewhere doing something with good people. I was so happy in almost every aspect of my life. I had been such a "scared" person my entire life, the fact that I was able to move here and succeed filled me with a confidence I had never experienced. If I could have just gotten my head out of my ass and focused on how amazing my life actually had become, I'd probably still be in this town.
But instead I dug myself into an emotional grave because the girl I wanted didn't want me in the same way, and I couldn't cope, or something. I had several other really fantastic women I was seeing on and off, ones who really liked me for me and would have been up for actual relationships, but they weren't her. In a very short period of time, towards the end of the two years of living in this new town, I got right back into the type of porn I ran away from. I started posting on Craigslist in multiple sections with both fake ads and real ads. I went from 0 to 1,000 with everything in the span of probably six months. I gave two more guys blowjobs, and once again fucking hated every second of both experience. I got right back into non-nude jailbait, and towards the end found myself on the dark web once again seeking illegal porn.
During this time I had posted several ads on Craigslist looking for actual women to sleep with, or really even just talk to; I just wanted to feel wanted. I never posted any ads actually looking for an underage girl, but one responded claiming to be 13, and against ever fiber of my being, I responded. We talked over the span of about five days, email and then through text. She complained about how all the girls at school made fun of her and she didn't have many friends and just wanted someone to talk to about "stuff". I seemed "cool" and "interesting" and she said she liked talking to me. We eventually talked about sexual things (this in itself is a felony), but fortunately no pictures were exchanged. Eventually the topic of meeting each other was brought up. I vacillated between thinking this was some old greasy dude in his basement, and thinking that I was actually talking to a young girl. This doubt gave me permission in my own head to talk to this girl. But also my own head was telling me "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STOP THIS." The thought of sexually talking to a 13 year old girl excited me, and I need to be honest about this. The idea of meeting up excited me as well. "She" tried to get me to meet her, but I did not make any attempt, and never actually set anything up. The rational voice in my head won out, and I stopped talking to her.
Right before I stopped talking to her I found myself driving down a long beautiful mountain road after work and Norah Jones's "Come Away With Me" came on the radio. It was so beautiful. All of a sudden it really hit me how fucking stupid I was in talking to this girl, but also how long I had been struggling with doing things I didn't want to do for so long, and how I just didn't know how to escape it. I pulled over to the side of the road and bawled my fucking eyes out. "Is this how you're going to find happiness, dude?" I just wanted to find someone to love and to love me back, to be in a healthy relationship for the first time, to feel "clean" and wholesome and proud of my actions and decisions. I didn't want any of this stupid shit I was now suddenly back into.
A week or so after I stopped communicating with this girl, five detectives woke me up at 6am banging on the door of my apartment. I was not under arrest, but they took all of my electronics and informed me that I had actually been talking to them, not to a 13 year old girl. I thought the life I knew was over (I was right), so that night I held a kitchen knife up to my arm. I thought of my parents and just couldn't go through with it. I've never seriously thought about anything like this since that moment.
I didn't hear from the police for about four months. I told my parents what had happened the day after the cops showed up, and how I had been struggling with pornography addiction my entire life, and it felt good to be "honest" (really I didn't tell them half the shit I had issues with, but even halfway felt great). I got a lawyer and just sat around for a few months waiting to be arrested, sitting with the severe anxiety of not knowing if or when my life is going to be totally destroyed by committing a sex offense.
5. Arrest. Conviction. A promise to myself.
They arrested me outside my home in broad daylight, two plainclothes officers driving an old shitty Honda Civic. If they had just told me to come to the station I would have turned myself in, but they got all theatrical with it, and called me and made up some story about how they were from my old apartment complex and wanted to drop off my security deposit at my house. To this day whenever I hear a car door shut outside my house, or see an unknown car park nearby, or even dudes in public who look like undercover cops, I immediately get a severe rush of anxiety in the fear that I'm about to be arrested again. I'll go from totally relaxed to severe paranoid paralyzing anxiety in a microsecond, heart beating out of my damn chest.
My arrest should have been a small blip in the news, but because of some other factors it would take too long to go into, I ended up on the front page of every paper and TV station in the state. Sitting in jail, I didn't know this until the next day. I remember sitting in the bond hearing court room, just staring at the line of media photographers in the audience with all their telephoto lenses, capturing my face to put it in the papers underneath words like "predator", "pedophile", and "sex offender"....and they did. My lawyer came in and just said some shit like "yeah, sorry dude, you are everywhere". It's a very unique feeling knowing that from this point forward, absolutely everything in your life will be different. Every relationship you have will be affected. Nothing will ever be the same.
I vowed right then and there to never give up no matter how tough the road ahead gets. I'm going to live a life I can be proud of; this will be my success story. Maybe I'll write a book about it, but it would be pointless without an ending I could be proud of and honest about. I will be the guy who, against all odds, moves beyond a criminal sex offense, and has people who love and trust him, and who can eventually look back and say "look at what I achieved". I've made great strides toward this life, and have worked my ass off to get where I am now, but the the mental issues which led to my eventual imprisonment are still inside my head, and I finally need to admit that I need serious help.
6. Finding happiness while everything around me is on fire.
My parents bonded me out the next day. Though my boss tried his best to keep me, the widespread news of my arrest and the fact that we were one of the most respected (and well known) general contractors in the area meant I lost my job. I was friends with over a dozen guys I worked with, always drinking some beers behind the workshop after a day of hard work. I was there fore over a year, building relationships, and I had started going out to bars and going over the bosses houses for family dinners. Save for the three main guys, I never saw any of them again. Though I did maintain a group of close friends who still supported me, the whole town now felt toxic. I decided to move back home. I flew back to the state in question probably 8 times for court hearings. What started out as my lawyer being confident that I would just get a few years probation turned into me fully pleading guilty to internet solicitation of a minor and possession of child pornography. I had I think five to seven nude images of girls who were under 18 on my computer, and one video. My lawyer dropped the ball several times when communicating / meeting deadlines with the district attorney, and the situation became way worse than it should have been. Under my lawyers advisement I signed a plea deal which meant there was no question I would get a prison sentence between 2 and 8 years. I did commit crimes and it is my opinion that I did deserve punishment for allowing myself to make disgusting choices. I mean, from the outside, I can see how I looked like a run-of-the-mill child predator. However, spending a few years in prison is probably the least helpful thing for someone in my situation, in my opinion.
While I was home fighting my case I was filled with a sort of "I have nothing to lose" confidence, and started taking any girl who would accept out on dates. I thought my friends sister was cute, so I asked her out. It took a good number of tries, but she eventually agreed to let me take her to dinner. We had a really great time. After a couple dates I was honest about the legal situation I was in, as well as my mental struggles. She was a bit shocked of course, but she had known me for a long time. She stuck around, and we had the most beautiful summer together before I had to fly 2,000 miles away to serve an unknown amount of prison time. She, as well as my parents, sisters, and friends flew out with me to the sentencing hearing. My girlfriend and I told each other "I love you" for the first time the night before the hearing.
We're still together, and she's been by my side through everything the past five years. I've never met someone who was so easy to be around. How I could ever get so lucky, I will never know.
7. Prison. Gangs. Solitary confinement. Making the most of it.
I was sentenced to four years in a medium security state penitentiary. The gangs pretty much run the prisons in this state, and you'll get immediately extorted by the gang which coincides with your skin color if they find out you're a sex offender. I stayed under the radar for a few weeks, but some gangs save newspaper clippings with sex offenders photos, and I got found out. They threatened to kill me, so I told the guards I was in danger; they agreed. I spent a month and a half in solitary confinement for my own protection. This was "the hole", a cell with no window to the outside where they never turn the lights off). I was eventually transferred to a different facility which was much safer, though one sex offender was murdered during my stay there. Prison could be a book in itself, but most of it was just groundhog day. It would be best described as long periods of mind-numbing boredom interspersed with occasional moments of sheer fucking terror. I was extremely fortunate to talk to my girlfriend every single day on the phone, as well as very regularly my parents, relatives, and friends. I had a ridiculous number of visitors, despite being a 2,000 mile flight and hours long drive through the desert away from everyone I cared about.
I had started taking mindfulness meditation classes after the initial search warrant was served. This habit continued into prison, and most of my month and a half in the hole was spent meditating. Solitary confinement can be maddening; you could occasionally hear guys screaming or crying in other ~60 cells in the solitary cell block. But honestly I've never been more at peace than how I was during those 45 days. I remember my girlfriend told me over the phone that she had heard that my ex girlfriend (long term one from when I was ~19) was going around telling people the news that I was a child molester. At first I felt panicked, because this firestorm of people I went to high school with "finding out" about me was totally out of my control. But then I came to the realization that that's pretty much how life always is, even if you're not a convicted sex offender sitting in the hole because the Aryan Empire wants to kill you. You could just be a dude minding his business, and then bam, you get run over by a bus. I can't control what people think of me, or the things they say, and that's ok. But I should be able to control which thoughts I turn into actions, and meditation helped me greatly in this.
At this new facility I eventually petitioned the warden to allow me to start a weekly meditation group. He allowed it, and they gave me a quiet classroom behind the library to use for two hours every Wednesday night. It started out with pretty much just me alone, maybe one other person occasionally. Within a few months I had about a dozen regular members. Everyone from sex offenders, to men who had murdered their wives and didn't quite know why, to ex gang members. Twice we had meditation instructors come from the outside to teach for a day. We meditated and discussed how to find peace in a place as abrasive as prison. I taught these men that their thoughts do not need to dictate their actions, and that they have control over their own mind, not the other way around. Focus on the breath, observe your own thoughts coming in and observe them going out. At this point my mind felt healthier than ever had before; I could "see" the thoughts which entered my head and choose to either pursue them or just send them on their way. Through daily practice (I meditated every morning and night) I was becoming a master of my own mind, but now I seem to have lost it all. I can't even bring myself to sit on my mediation cushion; I feel like someone is physically preventing me from meditating. I based almost my entire practice around a fantastic book called "Turning the Mind into an Ally" by Sakyong Mipham. Right after I got out of prison I heard that there were recent multiple credible sexual assault allegations against him. This destroyed me a little bit. Is anyone actually righteous?
I called the prison a few months ago. The meditation group has more members than ever.
8. I shall be released (but with an ankle bracelet).
I was paroled at my first parole hearing. Overall I spent about twenty months in prison, out of a possible 48. This didn't just happen; I have never worked so hard at anything. I participated in every prison program I could. I worked 40+ hours a week as a maintenance technician at the facility, as this is my area of expertise. I was well known and liked by dozens of guards, probably partly because I never caused a single issue. I was in three bands, and after I played a live show for the entire ~1,000 inmate population the gangs left me alone because they liked hearing me play guitar (pretty much the only thing I've stuck with for the last 15 years). I volunteered to give a ten minute graduation speech to a couple hundred inmates in a certain program. At this time, public speaking was at the top of my list of fears. I took every single opportunity presented to me an capitalized on it. Not just because I wanted to be released, but because I felt compelled to. No more being scared. No more fucking around. I am ready to lead a life I can be proud of, and it starts now, not when I'm released from behind bars.
Thankfully I was allowed to parole to my home state. I moved in with my girlfriend (and her mom), and we started looking for places to rent together, finding one in about a month. My parole office was amazing, and when I was eventually released from parole, after about a year and a half, we shared a good number of beers together. I can't tell you quite how good it feels to cut a heavy cigarette-pack sized ankle bracelet off after wearing it for 18 months straight. This was almost a year and a half ago now.
It was finally done. I was no longer a number in the Department of Corrections. I was free, free to build a beautiful life with my beautiful girlfriend. And I never watched porn again. Fairy tale ending.
9. P.S. - Nothing has really changed.
I started looking at porn probably two days after I got home. I tried REALLY fucking hard not to, but it just happened like I was on autopilot. It started with just me giving myself the excuse I could jerk off to some scantily clad anime girls, then moved to ecchi ("I mean, whatever, it's just nipples dude"), and then to hentai. In my head I'm screaming at myself, "DUDE STOP, GO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR ACTUAL HORNY GIRLFRIEND", while I'm loading up Pornhub in the bathroom. I was not allowed to look at porn while on parole, but they did not actually monitor anything or ever actually check my devices. I was allowed a smart phone and essentially unrestricted internet access. I passed all my drug tests, passed my polygraphs, and presented no actual problems to the parole office, so I pretty much totally fell off their radar. I had to take state-sponsored sex offender therapy, but if I had admitted to looking at porn they would've just sent me back to prison because it was a parole violation. So much for getting help with your biggest problem.
I tried to stop, dozens of times. At most I could go about two weeks without looking at porn, which is pretty much a world record for me. I felt fucking amazing during these periods. But whenever I abstain for a long period, something will inevitably stress me out, and I'll dive back into the sexual compulsion. Soon, I got right back on Omegle, and found a new thing to search for: phone sex. It's not hard to find a girl willing to have phone sex on there; much easier than finding someone to cam with. In the past eighteen months I've probably have phone sex with at least three dozen women. In my mind, and I'm sure in the mind of my girlfriend, this is cheating, plain and simple. Again, what the fuck dude.
But I'm not thinking of this when we're together. I'm just being me, and enjoying her. There's no present thought in my mind going "hey I feel really guilty about having phone sex with girls right before you get home from work". I love her, and I love spending time with her, and none of the shameful shit I am involved in even enters my mind when we are together. Though occasionally during sex I'll get hit with a wave of shame and I'll lose my erection and can't get it back up. "I'm just really tired", I say. Ugh.
Probably 6 months ago I started looking non-nude jailbait photography again. It always happens the same - I tell myself, "ok you're horny so just jerk off for ten minutes to some vanilla stuff so you can think clearly and after that you're gonna get a bunch of shit done". Two hours later I've still got my hand on my dick, I'm all flushed and sweaty, and I'm looking at jailbait pictures while I'm screaming at myself inside my own head...
"Stop. Please stop. Dude you know you don't want to be doing this. Is this going to be the last time? If you need to finish just do it but make this the last time. You can still stop. Go take a cold shower and just stop. Please. You know this isn't what you want. Please stop".
I just burst into fucking tears typing that because I've gone through that loop in my own head literally tens of thousands of times. I just cannot stop myself. There is nothing I want more in this world than to stop all of this.
It just keeps happening, no matter how many strategies I use to stop, I always find an excuse.
"Just do it this once but then never again."
"Ok you can look at porn but only 15 minutes worth."
"Ok fine, jerk off to some legal jailbait stuff, but make it quick, no endless scrolling."
"Well you're a fucking freak anyways, everyone think's you're a pedo, so fuck it, prove em right. You know you can't stop so just embrace it and enjoy it. Let's find the kinkiest shit possible."
And when I DO abstain for a long period, when I eventually relapse it's just 1000x worse. I'll end up doing like an eight hour binge and missing an entire day of work.
And it's getting worse. I'll talk to girls and guys over the phone via Omegle, and I've started asking guys to roleplay a dad/daughter or brothelittle sister fantasy with me. I ask if they want to roleplay that we're dads and have "hot" stories to tell about our young daughters. I get turned on thinking about talking about something this kinky, but I end up hanging up every time within like a minute. Like literally I've never even gotten close to "finishing" on one of these calls. Probably done this like 15 times in the past 6 months. The other guy starts going into his fantasy story and it hits me how fucked up this is and I hang up. I don't want to fuck kids...this is not a thing that is on my mind, ever. I do not go to the beach and think "hell yeah look at all this ripe young ass". Almost all of my friends have young children and I've never once thought of doing anything with them. In fact I pretty much avoid children, because I now project what I think other people think of me onto myself.
When I ask these guys on Omegle to roleplay occaisonally one will ask if I'm "active", aka actually molesting a child, and it makes me want to throw up thinking someone would want to hear about actual abuse. When I read a news story about someone actually raping a kid my face curls up in disgust, which I feel like is pretty much the "normal" reaction. Weigh that against the fact that a couple times in prison I got horny and started writing a few sex stories involving young teens. I never finished any of these stories, and shredded and threw them out halfway through writing all of them. Again, what the fuck.
I'm just waiting for the FBI to show up at my house. Isn't asking guys on Omegle, "would you be into a fantasy where we roleplay as two dads telling hot stories about our daughters?" a huge red flag? But I always tell them, "this is 100% fantasy, and I do not want to hear about anything real. I do not want to receive pictures or participate in anything actually illegal." If they say they have real stories I leave the chat / hang up immediately. Even though I'm not doing anything illegal, whenever I hear a car door shut from a neighbor, my heart races and I have to get up from my desk to check if it's the cops.
I also sometimes ask the phone sex girls on Omegle to ageplay as a young teens for me, and pretty much all of them have been happy to. Like 15, 14, 13 years old, whatever they're comfortable with. Why do I want this? Why is there such a disconnect between what I find disgusting in real life and what I "want" to fantasize about? If I could pay someone my entire life savings to remove the part of my brain that harbors this desire to fantasize about the idea of sex with young girls, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I do not and have not talked with anyone on Omegle or on the phone who says that they are actually under 18; at least prison taught me the lesson to never talk to an actual young person ever again. Maybe in some peoples opinions the ageplay thing is acceptable and nothing to be ashamed about, but I do not want it as a kink of mine. It brings me serious, crushing shame for days after I participate in it.
Is anyone else like this? I just want to stop feeling like a freak - I just don't want to feel ashamed anymore.
Shame really seems to be a constant theme of my sexuality throughout the years. Even after normal sex I feel a bit of shame. I've always had serious shame amount my body, especially my genitals, but even with just taking off my shirt. My parents were always open to talk about sex, and to my memory never did anything to instill shame in me when it came to sex. But stepping back it almost looks like the things that I find the most shameful are the things I'm most likely to seek out.
Post too long, last two chapters have been posted in a comment.
submitted by throwitallaway8787 to mentalhealth [link] [comments]


2020.07.22 18:27 sleepingsona Secret webcam recorder

When I watched the Amanda Todd documentary, i was so upset, it was so similar to my story. I'm still alive though and I want to share my story to give people hope and show there can be light within the darkness.
My parents abused me, I'm coming to terms with that. I thought their abuse was normal. They beat us with belts as small children, "bare butt" spankings, a few incidences in my teen years of my mom wailing on me. Screaming at us every day. My mom would fake panic attacks and heart attacks to control my behavior as a child. She told me blacks and Mexicans were more likely to hurt me so to stay away from them. She threatened to throw me out on the street, to send me to foster care, to call the police, and send me to a mental institution. She told me if I was sent to foster care I would get raped and beaten. I was terrified of alternatives so I never tried to escape my family.
I was bullied my entire life, by everyone. I was least popular, last picked in PE, made fun of, no one wanted to play with me. I was made fun of for being quiet, I had social phobia. My parents often got angry at my social phobia. I was called ugly and fat. In middle school girls started rumors and asked boys out for me, then telling me they'd never date me because I was too ugly and fat. I hated myself. I hated people. I wanted to die. I escaped online. I needed someone, ANYONE.
Online people were crueler. I have no idea why but one girl started a hate group online for me on a game called Runescape. "Nore is a whore" club. This club grew and grew until I had 20 girls, some who I didnt even know, telling me to kill myself, that no one loved me, that I'm a whore, slut, bitch, etc. I reported them and nothing would happen, I blocked them, they'd make new accounts. I wanted to die.
There was one guy on there who would comfort me, tell the girls to leave me alone, he was my hero. Over time he started becoming more jealous, more possessive. One day he told me to delete all guys from my friends list. I kept one in secret. He hacked into my account and went into a rage. He punched his wall, called me, and threatened to tell my parents I was having sex with him in a hotel room if I didnt reveal myself to him on webcam. I begged for 2-3 hours. He screamed the whole time, threatening me, demeaning me, breaking me down. I gave in. I gave up. I did it. Its only once, right? Wrong.
Each time he held the last time over my head and I had to do whatever he said. It escalated more and more. He told me he wanted to meet me in person and he would rape me. I was scared, but I didnt know what to do. I had no one to help. My parents would hate me. They wouldn't believe me.
My parents found out one day and they blamed me. They screamed at me, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US?, HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID? He was right. My parents wouldn't believe me and they would hate me. I wished no one found out and that he had just kidnapped me. No one would hurt except me, and that was okay. They forced me to the police station. They found he recorded all the videos and was selling it online for money. Child pornography. Long story short, police said it was consensual since we were dating and he was underage. They lectured me on talking to strangers online. I hated myself. I attempted suicide repeatedly, I self harmed, I didnt want to die, I just wanted life to get better.
I found a group of friends who I trusted with everything. Then my grandpa was dying. At his funeral they all texted me to get raped again, kill myself, and compared my grandpa to a dead cat. I had a mental breakdown, being unable to take anymore. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. I laid all day staring at a wall. I was dying. My parents tried to force me to school, they attacked me, I screamed at them, calling them murderers, as they were pushing me into suicide. They took me to a mental institution.
After that, I never trusted anyone again. No friends. I tried dating and repeatedly had abusive boyfriends, they preyed upon vulnerable, isolated girls like me.
My story is a depressing one, but as promised, theres a light at the end. I've been with the love of my life for 4 years now. I moved countries to be with him away from my family. I learned what a real family is like, his family treats me like one of them. My boyfriend tells me repeatedly he doesnt want to control me at all and wants me to flourish into my own person. I'm learning to do all the things my parents never taught me. I finally get the therapy they refused to get me, for very little cost. Im worthy of being loved. I was sinking and drowning for decades. Someone finally pulled me back up. ♡
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2020.07.22 16:41 sleepingsona Recorder webcam secret

Sorry if a post like this isnt allowed, it is kind of heavy. I am 27F now. When I was 13F I was in a secret online relationship that was extremely abusive and he threatened me into exposing myself and doing sexual acts on a webcam. He recorded these without my knowledge and distributed them for money. He was near my age, 14 or 15. When my parents found out they forced me to the police station and I told them everything, they took my computer, his computer, and they lectured me on speaking to strangers online. They basically blamed me, told my parents it was consensual (it wasnt and I cried in all videos), and when asked if we should pursue charges they said because he was underage nothing would happen and told my parents not to do it.
My two questions are, was their advice back then correct? And do I have legal access to my file or interview? I have CPTSD and am struggling to move on from the event, and part of me thinks it would help to see these things, but I'm not sure if that's legal.
Edit: this was in Nebraska. The guy was from Pennsylvania.
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2020.07.11 19:00 cotorito Secret webcam recorder

Hey,
Child predators prowl on the internet, and in website like Omegle, it's not a secret anymore...What is less known is that they incite their victims to do sexual acts in front of their webcams using fake cams. How so? They pretend to be a woman and show pre-recorded videos of a "gorgeous" woman. In exchange for kids' sexual acts, they do sexual acts too (through the pre-recorded videos). I'm sure most of you wouldn't get catfished by a fake cam. Still, the issue i'm raising is actual!
I've created a video quite a little time ago ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOTjle60lMs&t=2s ) but what I'm gonna write here will have more information than the video.
The kids/teens are probably quite curious or excited (they are between 9 and 15) and might do as the predator says. All is often recorded and might be published in pedosexual websites in the darkweb, or exchange via snapchat, kik, ... These kids might also be catfished through "Omegle games" that propose to play some "truth or dare" game. One could think that there are a few videos like that (it's not such a big deal). They are wrong : for the last 20 years, there are at least 1000 videos of kids getting catfished, without counting the ones who aren't shared. A lot are currently published, about at least 1 / 2 days. It's not that astonishing, kids might be quite naive, and some don't really know that there are ill-intentioned people.
Some others might think that predators have always a repulsive physical aspect but it's not always right. Since they often pretend to be women, kids might get more easily trapped. In these illegal websites (I mentioned earlier), even tutorials are published to explain how to catfish kids in Omegle! The predators are often hard to get caught because of some technics they use not to get caught (that I'll not explain here). They might also try to get the skype/kik/snapchat/... of their victim in order to produce more videos. The victims might be touched to get so much attention from a woman.
Obviously, Omegle is forbidden for kids under 13, and have to get their parents' approval if they are between 13 and 18. Although, in practice, going to Omegle in the "Minecraft" section for instance shows that there are a lot of underage people there.
Moreover, some youtubers promote the website to a young audience through their videos (to meet their subscribers for instance). Naked content is forbidden in the moderated section of Omegle. A detection system is implemented to ban people that show any nudity but the system is deficient. Then, some adults show their dick and masturbate in the sections like "Minecraft".
Even if the predators were real women, it would still be disgusting, as the kids cannot consent (by law, it's often from 16 years old that an underaged person can consent) and these predators take advantage of the gullibility of some of them. Finally, I don't think it's normal for adults to be able to talk to kids through Omegle (it's a bit morbid, isn't it?)
I think Omegle shouldn't be authorised for kids and the moderated section should really be moderated. I've already tried to inform people through Omegle but it's very ineficient.I hope this message will have a bigger impact!
I'm a bit annoyed that websites tend to be slow to respond to these kinds of important issues. In general, they only act when facing a strong pressure.
What do you think about that? Do you know someone who has been catflished through social media?I'm looking forward to reading your replies!
submitted by cotorito to rant [link] [comments]