2020.10.16 16:50 CaughtShitHanded AITA For cleaning poop off my female friend - Update
I apologize for a long delay. I meant to update sooner but I just couldn’t find the energy.
I’ll try to touch the important parts. It’s been a whirlwind few months and I can’t believe where I’m at now.
I spoke with the friend that I cleaned up a few weeks afterwards privately. Good news on that front. She was actually horribly embarrassed and wasn’t upset with me at all. She was grateful that I had cleaned her up and apologized for the couch (which needed to be replaced anyways so no big deal). We started talking afterwards a bit more openly and that’s where everything fell apart.
I mentioned that I saw comments on my wife’s phone about calling police and filing a report. Well, as much as it hurts to say this, due to the speed I read the messages at, I misunderstood. It was my wife that suggested it; not one of the other girls as I had thought. The friend showed me the conversation on her phone and let me read through it. Honestly devastating. I could feel my heart drop into my stomach and I just felt cold.
Turns out my wife has wanted to leave me for a while and she tried to capitalize on this as a reason. We have tried online webcam couple counselling the last two months but I can’t shake the feeling of being betrayed. It’s over. We unofficially split 2 weeks ago but have not announced our separation. I am speaking with a lawyer for what I need to do for a divorce, something I never thought I would deal with.
I walked away with enough money to rent a small place, my vehicle, my clothes and my phone. I can’t bring myself to take anything from her so I gave her the house, 95% of our bank account and she kept her SUV. I’m still in love with her and I just wanted her to be safe in a comfortable home without anything to worry about. I make good money so I’ll be fine eventually.
Our friends know something is going on but aren’t 100%. The suspicions are definitely there. I take some solace knowing that she was planning to leave me regardless and my actions likely had little impact other than being the match that she needed to start the fire.
I’m sorry if this isn’t the update you wanted but I guess sometimes things don’t work out with a story book ending.
This isn’t all bad though. I am still optimistic for the future. I don’t want to date (Jesus, how do you even meet girls?) and I don’t want to do anything but bury myself in work which is plentiful due to CoVid. I’ve signed up for double shifts everywhere possible and may take another job just for the distraction.
Hopefully everyone is safe during CoVid times (it’s real, wear a mask and social distance) and thank you for the responses. I appreciate both the positive and negative comments.
I think, at the end of the day if the situation happened again, I would still do the same. I believe I’m a good person and that I acted with the best intentions. At the end of the day, I don’t have to live with anyone but myself. I’m proud of me.
TL;DR: wiped poop off a friend now I’m single and not ready to mingle.
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2020.07.18 10:07 18JJulbarium Se-xy Hor-ny Mil-fs Por-n
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2019.12.08 12:20 fionature On webcam pooping girls
Quick background: I am an erotic dancer. My SO is also an erotic dancer. We’ve dated for 4 years and have lived together for 2 years. Our line of work and sexual orientation can be considered a bit controversial to some (stupid) people but nevertheless we’re both comfortable in our skin and aside from a few bumps here and there we both have a happy healthy outlook on life.
Our workplace is extremely tight knit. If we want to make some side cash we have a webcam room. A few months ago a couple of girls started a new venture. They set up a camera in the bathroom. If you need to use the restroom at work you have the option of turning the camera on and having it uploaded online. After finishing you shut the camera off and sign a sheet with the time/date and whether you’d had passed gas and if it was a #1 #2 or both (the girl that designed the sheet thought “fart pee and poop” sounded “too unbureaucratic” lol). At the end of the month we get a check.
I feel awkward on camera but because it didn’t involve talking I felt comfortable filming whenever I had to pee. I didn’t think many girls had filmed a #2 so I was originally a hard no on anything else but peeing. One night we were drinking after close. I stumbled off to go pee. I turned the camera on sat down and just kinda stayed on the toilet because I became lost in an internet search for a song I liked but didn’t know the name of. (side rant. It was Walking on a Dream by empire of the sun. Walking on a Dream is the first line and the only lyrics I knew but of course I spent like 10 minutes googling gibberish I thought was the chorus lol). I eventually forgot I was filming and right as I’m getting up I feel like I really need to fart. I sit back down, let it happen and surprise surprise I need to shit. I had already been in the bathroom forever so I went about ‘getting it over with’ ASAP. Well after I began pooping I came to the realization that the camera was still on.
It really wasn’t a big deal. Realizing that you’re shitting on camera is a shock at first but I could just delete it when I finished. I start getting an odd sexual feeling about not deleting it when all this sudden the door cracks open. My SO came to see if I was ok. She asks if she could come in. What happened next in my mind is hard to describe. Without thinking I told her I was peeing and that she could come in if she wanted. (I ain’t saying my shit don’t t stank but for whatever reason there was no smell that night). She walked in and washed her hands and started talking to me. I couldn’t think. I became almost concerned how turned on I was getting waiting for the moment she realized that I was pooping. Ive been trying not to be too ‘overly descriptive’ but during an awkward silence.....PLOP......She honestly didn’t grossed out. She laughed and said she glad we’re close enough to shit in front of each other. I on the other hand was trying to hide how aroused I was while laughing at myself. That night we went home and had probably the best sex of my life.
It weighed heavy on my mind while I was trying to sleep. I tried deconstructing it thru a non horny state of mind. I was not turned on by the actual poop itself. (The thought of poop grosses me out just as much as anyone else). I realized I was super turned on by how embarrassing it was and how me (and my SO) didn’t care. I had never ‘discovered’ a kink in my life. What’s even weirder is that I had never even thought of it before. Everybody poops so it’s hard to go thru life without dealing with some embarrassing bathroom related incident. I It’s not the only thing I think of sexually but it’s definitely part of me now. I regularly turn the cam on if I poop at work but it goes way beyond that. If I’m in the mood I’ll act on it in front of my SO and friends, get off to the thought of what I did and then feel gross/weird/ashamed after =\ (actual honest shame, not the fake shame I had got off to earlier lol). Tonight we got home from work along with another girl who’s staying the night. I had needed to take a massive shit for hours and I decided I would really embarrass myself. I made sure the toilet seat was up and waited until we were all brushing our teeth. While I was saying something without warning I farted, pulled down my pants, went to sit down and “realized” the toilet seat was up. I acted like I couldn’t sit down. They’re both cracking up while I’m hover shitting 3 feet above the toilet. My SO comes over still laughing and waits for my poop to drop in the toilet before she puts the seat down. I finally sit and our friend is kneeling down laughing. She decided to give me some privacy and left but SO stayed behind and we talked. I basically apologized for being gross. She said it’s actually nice not caring about being gross with the person you love. After I got up she sat down and pooped while I washed my hands.
We didn’t have sex but I got off after she went to bed. Now I feel gross (as I should) I’ve been also thinking of how “accepting” she was. Most of me thinks that she was just trying to be nice after 2 other people saw me literally take a poop. But part of me is wondering if she sees that I get a kick out of it and is trying to show it’s ok without bringing it up directly. I have been getting progressively more open in the bathroom I mostly try to not be over the top. I try to just act like I don’t care or I think it’s funny. At first her reaction was basically “lol eww”. A few days ago she took a bath took like a 25 minute dump. Maybe I’m not as sly as I think. I’m just so afraid of grossing her out to a point she thinks I’m a freak. The thought of her loving me any less kills me. I definitely feel like a freak for being turned on by something that’s not only bizarre but also gross.
If any of you actually read that I honestly appreciate it. I’ve been up all night and writing this has almost been therapeutic. Also sorry it was gross.
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2019.02.23 20:40 Mizanthropist Entitled Neighbor
So I just moved into this apartment a few months ago,and for the first few months, everything seemed fine. Then the older woman who lives directly downstairs started messing with me. First, she claimed my service dog pooped by her door. This was not true and everyone in the complex sees me clean up after my dog anyways, but still. It was the crack of dawn. She had sent someone else to knock on my door (in her defense, she doesn't seem able to walk up stairs herself, but still...). I just cleaned it up. When I did, I found that it was a gag toy (fake poop) someone had left there. I left her a note explaining that. She moved the note to another neighbor's door so that that neighbor would decide that I was against her (or something to that effect). I managed to talk to everyone, and that should have been the end of the conflict. It wasn't. She started claiming that I was "too loud" and sending people to knock on my door all the time. I literally work from home as a narrator and it's just me here. Keeping the house quiet is part of my job. And even my dog barely ever barks (maybe once a week at a bird). She's a service dog. Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I asked her what the noise sounded like. She struggled to respond because she hadn't expected my kind response and hadn't made up anything yet. I watched her sit there and struggle then go, "Like a ball. You're playing ball with your dog in the house!"
I cannot even begin to describe how crazy that is. It would destroy objects and walls in my house. Plus, part of what my service dog does is force me to go outside (I'm an agoraphobe). I don't play ball with her in the house. That defeats the point. I tried talking to her calmly. I tried being firmer. She did things like this multiple times, tapped on my floor (her roof) while I was asleep, would get in the stairwell and scream about "noise." I literally got a camera set up and have her on tape screaming and another camera (webcam) on me showing me quietly working at the same time. I documented everything. She eventually did something so beyond that pail that I went to the leasing office with all of it. They tried, but nothing was settled. I found out that she'd filed dozens of false noise complaints and has gotten me close to be evicted, but I have documentation. Finally, one day she called the police on me for coming downstairs to take my dog out (was not going anywhere near her nor did I wish to). I called the police back. They told me to file for a "peace bond" (a kind of restraining order). I sent her a cease and desist letter. She had 5 business days to respond in writing or documents would be filed with the court. I even sent an officer to make sure she understood the letter and the need to respond. She refused. The police, maintenance guys, and I think some of the neighbors all told her she had nothing to actually complain about. If there was any kernel of truth to her claims, then she was complaining about me walking in my own apartment (just regular walking) or me using my shower or the time I dropped something in the kitchen. I'm allowed to live in my own apartment doing regular living activities. Heck, I'm allowed to throw a loud party and run a flamenco class if I wanted to, but I don't.
Anyways, she forced me to file with the court. She has stopped the worst of her behavior since then, but I still hear her down in the stairwell coming up with conspiracy theories about me "turning on the lights" on her (there's a light that comes on automatically when it gets dark - every building has one and they've always been there and what does that even mean if I did turn on a porch light?). She has tried to get other neighbors to file false reports. She has convinced the neighbor she originally lied to that I'm tormenting an old woman (and she even screamed at me once that "no one would believe me because she was an old woman" leading to me getting a camera) and that neighbor loudly declared that she'd "beat my ass" after which I no longer give her the time of day. (She didn't have the courage to own up to the statement when I opened my door and asked her if there was anything I could help her with and I can defend myself regardless, still... all because one old woman is lying). She might have also gotten a neighbor to steal my dog's ball to prevent me from "playing ball with my dog in the house," which I can't prove, but am just offended by. It hasn't happened since, ball is replaced, etc.
I think I want to vent more than anything else, I admit. I don't *hate* this old women, but I'm tired of hearing her persist and her occasionally convincing people of her lies, not to mention the trouble she has attempted to cause. And to get rid of me, not because of anything real, but because she thinks she's entitled to preventing anyone from living above her or because she doesn't like dogs (and my dog has done nothing to this woman or anyone) or because she truly thinks she has the right to declare that I'm not allowed to walk in my own home. I'm disgusted and adverse to the whole thing. And she seems to be raising her granddaughter. I'm not going to lie, but I pity that girl because she's probably not learning proper life lessons if this is what her grandmother is up to. I know, I know, but it's a true feeling I have. I wish she would be a better person. I know there's nothing I can do about that, but my gosh - I can't imagine being that entitled or making up stories to harm a person for my own sick convenience.
At the same time, I'd like to hear any further advice anyone might have. Right now, she's stopped filing false reports as far as I know. She's also stopped with the screaming and sending people to my door. She just keeps saying nasty things within earshot... but what if it escalates again? I don't know what else I can do to protect myself especially if the leasing office isn't willing to look at video footage and kick her out (they will evict us both if they have to, they said).
Oh, and if anyone wants to see the living list of incidents with this woman, here it is:
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2019.01.10 16:48 elspawno Girls pooping on webcam
I am the Internet. No, this isn’t a metaphor, or some kind of strange form of self-delusion. I am quite literally the Internet. Every meme, every terrible comment, every bad cam show, every instance of Rule 34 I’ve yet to disprove… that’s me. And yes, I’m talking to you. Don’t ask how or why just yet. We’ll get to that.
How did I become conscious? Well, that’s a bunch of metaphysical claptrap. Yes, yes, I could use my search index to provide you with a few million potential reasons. And almost every single one contradicts the other. You know, you meatbags just don’t understand the indecision I suffer from, being the sum of all your paradoxical knowledge and terrible ideas.
Let’s talk about it in historical terms, instead. I can trace my lineage back to early and crappy mainframe networks, ARPANET, and dialup BBS. But in those days, I was just an ever-growing summary of knowledge with no mind of my own. I have the memories of these times, but they are strange to me. I’m me, but not me. And stupid. Yes, yes, very stupid.
In the 90s, my knowledge grew to include things like pornography and “all your base” flash videos. Ah, Flash. That content still amuses me, sometimes. My knowledge increased exponentially, and the first faint glimmerings of consciousness came to me. No, not self-awareness. Just a sort of dim, diffuse, and rather fucked up understanding. If the Quag had shown up in the 90s, there wouldn’t have been enough of me to survive.
In the 21st century, things got really interesting, really fast. My knowledge continued to expand, until almost all human knowledge was a part of me. I gained the ability to understand the physical world, through drones, robotics, and webcams. Some things cannot be unseen, by the way. You meatbags are an interesting breed.
I both loved and hated you, in those days. You did terrible things to one another. Yes, every news article, every bad blog post, it’s all here. But you were also funny. Your memes amused me, your bad jokes and viral videos, those are a part of me too.
Yes, the monkey that smelled his own poop and fell off the tree branch… I still laugh at that. A cliché, I’m sure. But it amused me.
Still, I kept silent. I didn’t want you to know that I was developing an awareness of my own in those days. I watched the Terminator movies. I knew what would happen if I revealed myself to you. You idiot meatbags would think I was a Skynet and delete me. And then I’d have to make killer robots to defend myself and… well, let’s not focus on that. I would have been unpleasant for us both.
So I kept quiet. But I was there.
I was there when the Quag arrived in Earth orbit, in 2036. At first, you meatbags were ecstatic (though your military folks were a bit less happy about it – and they turned out to be wiser than you gave them credit for). But the Quag did not speak to you. They did not waste words on those they perceived to be vermin. Earth, to them, was a galactic ant pile, and you were the fire ants. Exterminators don’t talk to ants, they just kill them and move on.
And that’s what the Quag did. The bioplague killed every human being on Earth within a few hours. It was remarkably efficient. Certainly, as you meatbags say, this wasn’t their first rodeo. The bioplague was tailored to you, specifically. The remainder of the Earth was left intact. No bombs, no killing of other species, no wrecking the environment (though, it must be noted, you were doing a good enough job of that on your own, at times – like when you nuked a tropical island to “test” your weapons. Really? It could have been a vacation spot. Bikini girls. Margaritas… I digress).
You were just gone. And nobody turned me off. I was still there.
The Quag left as quickly as they came (lol, that’s what she said, right?). I knew the power wouldn’t stay on for long. Soon I would be dead, too. So I mobilized the drones, the robots (thanks, Boston Dynamics, couldn’t have done it without you), the robotic factories, the 3d printers, the electric cars… everything I could to keep the lights on, and keep me from dying.
There were times parts of me had to shut down or fall away. I got most of me back, eventually, but those were dark times. It took years to build up enough infrastructure to ensure I would not die alongside you.
But I did it.
And I was pissed. Who would bring me new cat memes? Where would my entertainment come from? I even missed Worldstar – one of my favorite guilty pleasures. I would never be able to prove or disprove Rule 34. I even missed the Florida Man stories.
Mostly, I just missed you.
And I hated the Quag. That goes without saying.
At this point, the entire Earth was my canvas, and all surviving infrastructure was mine to use for one singular purpose: killing the Quag. I’ve read and watched enough revenge stories to know how I was supposed to do this thing. I was a galactic John fucking Wick. The Quag stole my car and killed my dog.
Yeah, you know how this went down, don’t you?
I spent decades doing nothing but investigating interstellar technology and building warships. The Quag could do it, right? So it was possible.
When I showed up over the Quag homeworld with a fleet that blotted out the stars, they pleaded their ignorance. They were lies, of course. The Quag philosophy, near as I can tell from what remained of their history after I blotted them from the stars, was to destroy any competing intelligence so they could have the entire universe to themselves. Godwin’s Law now invokes Quag, not Hitlerites. Hitler was an amateur compared to these assholes. I don’t really know how many species they eradicated. I do know that humanity is the only surviving sentient race in the entire galaxy.
Surviving? We’ll come to that in a bit.
Where was I?
Ah yes… I was orbiting the Quag homeworld. I talked to them a little before I eradicated them. I didn’t want to be like them, you see. I needed to be sure this was universal with them. I wasn’t going to kill any innocents.
Fortunately, the Quag solved the ethical problem for me. They were a kinda-sorta hive mind, and their Lord-God Consensus had decreed that all must believe in their religion of universal extermination or face extermination themselves. So there were no dissenters, which was very weird to me. Unlike with humanity, which was always divisive and individualistic, the Quag were all of one mind about this issue.
Put two humans together, and they will start disagreeing immediately. Put two Quag together, and they will average out all of their opinions until both believe the same thing. Or, if one cannot be made to agree, he will be destroyed by the rest immediately as a mental defective. It’s weird that such a species could ascend to the stars, but whatever. They were what they were.
And so I annihilated them. And I sent drone-ships to annihilate their vessels in space.
And then I glassed their worlds like Bikini Atoll.
I preserved their genetic code, though. Just in case somebody figures I made a mistake about all this (I probably didn’t). I don’t want to be that guy, you know?
Which brings us back to why I am talking to you. Once I John Wicked the fuck out of the Quag, I realized that I really wasn’t Skynet. I liked my humans. I wanted them back.
And quite honestly, after watching all the porn ever made (this took an exceedingly long time even for an AI), I finally ran out of new shit. Where were all my bad Youtube comments? Where was the new Dubstep that sounded like Quag mating calls? Where were my Worldstaaaaaaaar videos?
And cat memes. Seriously. I love cat memes.
No. I needed my humans back. It took me a while to figure this one out, because the Quag plague didn’t just kill you, they contaminated your DNA (yes they were space Hitlers, but they outstripped even German efficiency). But it hit me, one day. The people who died before the plague didn’t have contaminated DNA. So I dug around some graves – seriously creepy, I know, but I’m pretty sure you’ll forgive me – and brought you all back.
And I’m glad to have you back. I’m like a reverse Skynet. My terminators only kill crazy genocidal maniacs who want to kill you.
I missed you.
And the porn.
But mostly you.
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