Online masturbation with random strangers

[Table] I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. (part 2/3) I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. Unique Experience. Close. 14.5k. Posted by 1 month ago. I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. Unique Experience. I was born blind with Lebers Congenital Amaurosis, a rare inherited form of blindness. I've travelled fairly extensively, including living in Spain, Colombia and the ... "shrooms" in /r/tabled: [Table] I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. (part 1/3) -- "Never tried shrooms." [Table] I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. (part 1/3) Source. Questions ... [Table] I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. (part 2/3) Source | Previous table. Questions Answers; How did you type all this? ... [Table] I’m Dr. Samantha Joel. My team and I use AI to predict the relationship satisfaction of 11,000 ... [Table] IAmA dark web expert, investigative journalist and true crime author. I’ve met dark web kingpins in far flung prisons and delved the murky depths of child predator forums. I’ve written six books and over a dozen Casefile podcast episodes. AMA (part 1/2) [Table] I’m Dr. Samantha Joel. My team and I use AI to predict the relationship satisfaction of 11,000 couples - AMA! ... [Table] I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. (part 1/3) Source. Questions ... [Table] I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. (part 2/3) Source | Previous table. Questions Answers; How did you type ... I am a 26-year-old woman who was born blind, AMA. I was born blind with Lebers Congenital Amaurosis, a rare inherited form of blindness. I've travelled fairly extensively, including living in Spain, Colombia and the United States (I'm from the UK).

2020.10.06 00:18 500scnds Online masturbation with random strangers

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How did you type all this? I can touch type. It's an essential skill.
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Do you have some type of software that reads certain things out? I wasn’t trying to be rude so my apologies, just very curious/interested! Hats off to you. Sure, I use a screenreader. It's a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read back what's on the screen. And I navigate using the keyboard rather than a mouse.
Thank you for doing this AMA! Its really fascinating and I'm learning a lot! I noticed in some of your comments you said you enjoy cooking. In my own experience, cooking and baking are extremely visual activities (for example, like knowing when a pancake is ready to be flipped, or properly cleaning and preparing a chicken, or when ground beef has been cooked completely). I would imagine that you use taste, touch, and smell, to guide you through some aspects of cooking. But even then, the information you could possibly get is still limited. What do you specifically look for as indicators to help you cook? I'm also interested in what dishes you find the easiest to make and what dishes you find the most difficult. All of that information you can get non-visually. You can tell ground bief is cooked by the texture when you touch it with a spoon. Other things by the smell. It's not more limited, it's just an alternative method.
I love experimenting with different things, I went through a phase of baking lots of bread. At the moment I'm into building complex salads and working on really healthy recipes. I cooked a meal for 60 people, that was pretty intense!
whose voice is reading my question to you? A very synthesised American voice.
Does colour mean anything to you ? Not really, it's an abstract concept.
Do you watch or should I say listen to porn? Nah, it just doesn't do anything for me.
As someone who plays video games and watch shows to kill time when I’m bored, I never thought about what a blind person would do to kill time when they’re bored other than listening to music. What do you do to pass time? Read, watch films and tv, mindlessly browse the internet. There are also audio games, and it's possible to play some regular games if you're blind, but I'm not really a gamer.
How has voice technology (like Siri or Google Assistant) changed the way you interact with things (if you use it at all)? If you have it: how has it made life better or worse? If you don't have it: why not? It's convenient because I can set a timer when cooking hands free! But also, something like an echo dot is designed to be used without vision, so I'm not actually having to deal with an accessibility barrier. I get exactly the same functionality from it that a sighted person does, and that is an important consideration.
how has the covid-19 pandemic affected you, as a blind person specifically/differently? Not so much now. At first my concern was in relation to grocery delivery services. I didn't want to go to the supermarket because many places were refusing to provide assistance, but also everyone was using delivery services, so slots weren't easily accessible for those of us who really needed them. It's calmed down quite a bit now though.
Another issue relates to accessible information. A lot of the stats are shown as images, with no explanation. Which means we're shut out from accessing what could be very crucial info.
Do you experience any visuals in your mind? For example, like when you dream? I don't. I've never been able to see so this is impossible for me.
Based on your life so far and what you have learned from others what is your favorite color? I don't have one. I usually say purple just because people demand an answer and it's easier to give them one.
Do you like puppies? I do.
What is it like to move around. Is it hard and do you feel out a room as you walk through it? It's not hard because I've always been blind so know how to navigate as a blind person. When outside I travel using a white cane, this is also true if I'm inside buildings like shops etc. But if I'm at my house or friends houses I just walk around and learn where things are.
What’s something people do/say that is ableist but not commonly acknowledged as such? How can sighted people be better allies to blind people? "You do so well for a blind person," has to be one of the most rude things people can say. Because what they're saying is that actually, they don't expect blind people to be doing very well at all, so the fact that I'm a moderately functional adult who doesn't get enough sleep, drinks too much coffee and is constantly stressed is a very very good thing. When I'm actually very typical for someone in their mid 20's.
Just treat blind people like people, and support us with fighting for accessibility and equal rights. That really is the best way to be an ally.
As someone how may go blind I always wondered if there was a fear of “the dark” or does it fade a bit? I'm not sure honestly. I've always been blind, so it's normal to me. I do know people who lost their vision who have really happy, secure lives.
Is sex more intense for you? And do you have sex with other blind people, if not how does it feel when you cant see the other person but he can see you naked? It honestly depends who I'm having sex with. I don't really worry if they can see me and I can't. I've had good and bad experiences, with both blind nad sighted people.
Do you listen to old radio plays? I had a period of time prior to a cataract surgery where my photosensitivity was so intense I mostly lived in total darkness, and these were my favourite forms of free entertainment. I am old enough that I listened to them on radio, although most were rebroadcasts. Also, do you usually wear any kind of sunglasses or such? If so, for your own benefit, or to make people feel more comfortable? I listened to a lot of plays in the early 2000s when I was a kid because only a fraction of books were published in braille. Audio books were expensive and also only a few books became audio. These days I listen to less of them because with things like Kindle I can read almost anything, but they were a wonderful and necessary part of my childhood that I am very thankful I was able to experience.
I have light perception so I wear sunglasses when it's really bright, but not for the comfort of others. I think if my eyes make people uncomfortable it's something they should address within themselves.
Is the halo effect a noticeable phenomenon for you as an arguably perfectly objective observer of sighted people? Have you ever been in a situation and just known that someone is physically attractive based on being inexplicably treated more favourably by others than could be reasonably expected? How do you feel about this in general? I think so. I definitely noticed this in school. My perception is that people gravitate towards someone who is deemed to be physically attractive, but I don't know if that is true.
Have you ever fired a firearm or played with a sword? I haven't. I considered going to a shooting range when I lived in the US but never did.
When browsing the web -- do ads really screw with your screen reader? Do you use an adblocker? They do, and yes I do.
If you could tell the world one thing what would it be? About blindness? Treat me like any other adult.
Not about blindness. Use your vote.
What's your favorite place to get a burrito? I live in England where burritos are sadly lacking, but now I really want one.
Would you consider trying psychedelics and reporting back your experiences? I've tried them before. Really weird, honestly. Mostly auditory but also some physical sensations.
Do you understand racism? Also what's your favorite song? By understand, I think it's wrong, but I understand it as a concept. RAcism isn't really about being able to see colour, it's associating a race with a positive or negative set of attributes. Blind people are just as capable of being racist.
In terms of songs I don't really have a favourite, I've been listening to I and love and you by the Avett Brothers a lot recently.
I was always wondering about this one. There are days when I "overlisten" to music or sounds get pounded and louder until I can't stand it and I need to shut it out. I would go several days without music or wear noise cancelling headphones to get myself disconnected. It sometimes happens with my vision, where it's just too much information and my brain needs a break. So I'm wondering what's it like in your case, if you've ever experienced something like that? Where there's too much sensory information and you need to shut it out but you need it to get around? And another extremely random one. I work and architecture and was trying to figure out how someone would go about designing a house while blind. Besides textures, how would you try and build a house for yourself if you could? That sounds like sensory processing disorder, which I have experienced aspects of yes.
I'm not sure, definitely lots of outside space and a big kitchen, but those are because of my love of being outside and also of cooking, more than blindness!
So this might sound weird, but my friends have a year old daughter who is blind. What kind of playing made you happiest as a kid? Climbing, playing football, running about. Just normal kid stuff.
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So two questions: you mentioned that you travelled to a couple of countries. To us, travel is a very visual experience, what is it to you? How do you experience the travel experience itself? Travelling to me is experiencing all aspects of the culture. It doesn't have to be visual. You can meet people, go to a city, go to a park, go hiking. These are all part of it.
We see your inability to see as an impairment or disability out of our ignorance, what do you think seeing people lack? What is our disability? I think we have to be careful and not view something like a lack of understanding as a disability. I am blind, and blindness is my impairment. But I'm disabled because the world around me isn't accessible.
ok 3rd one, out of the countries you visited, which one of them you felt a bit more challenged than the other ones? In terms of the countries they all had positives and negatives. Colombia was definitely a new experience, but it was also my favourite place to live.
What is imagination for you? That's difficult to answer. If you mean how do I imagine, through my other senses. But as to what it is, I'm not sure. It seems to be an essential part of who we are as humans.
What do you see in today's society that you dislike? I'm not sure this is just a problem with today's society, but ignorance and denial regarding the reality of the world we live in.
My sons (age 10) are really good friends with a boy who has been blind since birth. My sons have gone to his house a few times and have had a lot of fun. I would like for him to come here, but it makes me nervous. I worry that he'll get bored or be uncomfortable. As a child, what were some of your favorite experiences with sighted friends and their family? Being welcomed in to everyday activities. My best experiences were with people who didn't worry, who let me run around and play, who let me climb and mess about with my friends. But who also set boundaries, who told me to be quiet or to stop running, like they would any other child. Basically the best thing you can do is welcome him and treat him like any other kid.
Will you have children of your own even if you have a 50% chance of passing on your genetic mutation? My mother in law is blind and she passed retinoblastoma on to all 4 of her children even though each birth was a 50% chance. They all were able to retain vision though 2 had to have an eye enucleated. Later in those same 2 passed away from associated secondary cancers in the 20s and 30s bc they received radiation to stop the tumours (inherited is bilateral). I am pregnant with a baby girl who inherited the genetic mutation and at 36 weeks will deliver so they can monitor and treat the tumours. Being induced early allows the critical growth stage of 36 to 42 weeks gestation to be monitored and treated. Prognosis is good and it's considered 97% treatable but I cant help feeling that I am doing a disservice by continuing the horrible legacy of retinoblastoma. And also I wonder how she would feel knowing if she wants to naturally have children she will have a 50% chance of passing the mutation on to offspring. I would. I will pass the LCA gene on to any child I have, but my partner would have to be a carrier for us to have a blind child. Even if my child is blind I'd know how to raise them. I could teach them to read, to travel, to do anything they wanted to. I understand it's more complex with something like RB, but I think you have to do whatever feels right for you.
Do you play any instruments? If so, which instrument(s)? I used to play the clarinet but haven't in years. I was never very good at music.
If there was an option for surgery that granted you sight, would you consider it? I wouldn't, it doesn't interest me.
What are some UI changes reddit could make to improve accessibility for the blind? What are some things other sites often do which make them difficult for you to read and navigate? Reddit is honestly a bit of a clusterfuck. It's accessible enough, but sometimes the focus of my screenreader jumps around. There also aren't many headings used, which is the primary way screenreaders navigate online content, so it's a pain to find the section of the page that you want. In terms of other sites a lack of alt text is a huge problem. We convey so much information through images, but if it isn't tagged correctly a blind person misses all of it.
What would be the best way to interact with a blind person? Like let's say you went inside a new building and people there knew you were blind would you be offended if they offered to help you find your way? Or tell you how many steps there are or watch out for things that may be in your way? Would that come off as overbearing? It's annoying when people constantly tell me, because it's actually distracting. If someone offers that's fine, so long as they listen when I say no.
Which genders are you attracted to? When did you realize you were attracted to them and what was it about them Both, though men more than women. I'm not sure, I guess I was a pre-teen and I started to have crushes on people.
i watched a video of a blind woman with her seeing eye dog and a hidden camera try to find her way around a mall that she'd never been to before. it was so funny to watch the employees point as if she could see or the dog could understand what was going on. there was, eventually, one woman who walked her to the perfumes/jewelry and entrance so that her dog would understand and so that she knew the amount of steps that it should take. do you have these experiences often where people are just, unintentionally, entirely unhelpful? All the time. You just get used to it. Also, we don't actually count steps, we may have good spacial awareness and can tell approximately how much distance we've travelled, but step counting is a bit of a myth.
[deleted] I do. If she's in the United States I really recommend that she reaches out to the National Federation of the Blind to find out about their training centers. The Colorado Center for the Blind made a huge difference to my life.
Why did the moderators remove this? u/mmm_toasty could you perchance let us know? Because I can't hold up a sign with my username...because obviously I can't write. Unless they want it in braille?
Maybe this is question is better suited to those who raised you, but do you know if there was anything atypical about your language development? I read a case study about a blind toddler’s unusual syntax once and found it really interesting. I'm very interested in this too. I had fairly advanced language development, which I know through speaking with my parents and reading school and medical reports. Many congenitally blind children do have atypical language development though.
What parenting tips would you suggest to someone who has a young child who is blind or losing sight? Have high expectations, don't expect less of them because they are blind. Expect them to do chores around the house, to work hard in school and to be polite. They can and should do these things.
I occasionally see the same blind man on the sidewalk navigating the DC metro and city streets. I believe he lives around my work. Sometimes he looks completely lost. I have on a few occasions guided him to the correct train or set of stairs. He just says thank you and continues on. Is there anything else I could do to help him or be a good samaritan to other blind folks in the city? Asking is honestly the best thing. Either the blind person will need assistance or they won't. It's worse to assume that someone does when they might not, so I feel that by asking you're already doing the right thing.
So I know I am very late to the AMA party here, but hopefully you still are able to answer this for me. I'm a police officer in the US in an area where we don't have a very large blind/deaf/etc community. What are some good things to know as a cop so that I can better interact with the blind? Especially, of course, victims who need to report crimes. But either witnesses who may have info or even perpetrators. I've read almost this entire thread and with some of your answers to other questions, I can only imagine how blind people may be treated by uninformed or wilfully ignorant officers. This is such an important question, thank you for asking. Firstly, the biggest thing is to view them as credible. Obviously a blind person is capable of lying, but they aren't automatically less credible just because they can't give you a visual account of what has happened. This is a particularly pervasive problem in cases that involve sexual assault.
Also, if you're approaching a blind person in the street because there's a situation, it's good to identify yourself as an officer. I have no way of knowing if the person is a random stranger, who I might brush off, or a police officer unless they tell you. Some blind people will want to be given your badge, to see if you have one, or take your ID number. Try not to be upset or angry, it isn't that we don't believe you, just again that we can't visually verify what you're saying.
This is an interesting AMA. Thanks for doing this. My question, If it was possible through new technology to give you vision, let's say through an implant that records wavelengths of light and transmits the information to your brain allowing you to see in perfect 20/20 vision. (I am not familiar with what caused your blindness, so let's assume we are able to bypass it) It's a completely safe surgery, but the implant is permanent. Would you do it? No, I wouldn't. My brain has adapted to my blindness, and I feel like getting vision would be really disruptive and uncomfortable.
As a parent it would cause me a lot of pain to think about my child being blind. Have you ever discussed how your parents felt with them? Yes, if it does upset them, they don't show it which is so, so important. I would have hated growing up, knowing my parents wished I was someone else.
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Becoming a parent comes with a range of emotions they don't warn us about and we can't prevent. Your parents would never wish you to be someone else, they world just want take away anything that might cause you pain. It is good to hear you had the support and love you needed. Absolutely, but you also owe it to your child to keep some of those feelings from them. It's really damaging to know that people around you would change a fundamental part of who you are. Absolutely a parent should seek support when they have these feelings, but it should never be made obvious to the child.
Are you religious? Has anyone prayed for you to see? If someone offered would you be open to it? If yes, do you think other blind people would? I'm not, if people are going to pray, I'd rather they pray I actually have a happy and meaningful life. I have no interest in seeing, some blind people do and that's totally their right.
When you masturbate what do you mentally picture? Depends. If I'm in a relationship at the time I'll often think about that person and things they've said or done.
Do you depend on someone else or did you figure out on how to do normal every day activities that people take for granted on your own? I can do pretty much anything alone. I can cook, clean, do my laundry, travel to and from work etc. The only thing I can't do is drive, so I'll take busses and trains or use Uber sometimes.
This could have already been asked, there's so much knowledge we all want to glean from you. Have you ever thought about or done a race, running, biking, swimming, or anything where you have a guide? There's some great races where you can feel the wind on your face and the sound of the trees around you. I guess it doesn't have to be a race. Just how much have you been able to feel the wind and the trees. Thank you for answering all of our questions. My respect on one, putting yourself out there and answering personal questions, and also being a complete boss on your answers. Sure, thanks for reading. I love more extreme sports, so I've been skydiving and paragliding for example. I'd love to do more things like that. I also really enjoy skiing and tandem cycling.
I hope I don't sound rude, but how do you (or blind people in general) know where to go especially in a big city? Is it difficult to find shops and run errands without getting lost? Bonus question: How do service dogs know where you want to go? Like if you wanted to go to a specific restaurant for example, how does a service dog aid in getting you there? I know by exploring, by asking questions, by learning about the layout of the city. And service dogs receive instruction from the handler. The dog doesn't actually know where it's going, it is the handlers job to give it commands like find left, or find right.
What do you enjoy about traveling? For me it’s the scenery. But also foods a big one. I imagine being blind, food would be the main reason. Also has anyone tried using sign language to communicate with you? I honestly worry about that misunderstanding alot Haha maybe they have but I just didn't see them. I have been asked if I know it though!
And the food, meeting people, visiting different places like museums and parks, the whole aspect of immersing yourself in another culture.
Is the experience of sight something you wish deeply you could do? Or does the fact that you’ve never experienced it make it seem very foreign and intimidating? It definitely feels overwhelming to the point where I wouldn't take a cure if it was offered to me.
While living in the US, did you find it a relatively accessible country or no? Also, I started watching your YouTube videos, and they’re great! Super informational. Makes me want to sign up as a volunteer for Be My Eyes :) Thank you, I'm so glad that you are enjoying them. If you have any video topic requests, feel free to leave a comment on one of my videos as I may not see it in this thread as it's so big.
It was fairly accessible, as with most places, the attitudes of others were the biggest barrier I faced. People not believing I could do something, rather than be actually not being able to do it.
Do you still have Isla the guide dog? If so, was she already trained? What signals do they give to let you know there is steps, a road? I don't. She retired last year, but she's living a very happy life with some friends of mine. She was trained when I got her, they are trained to stop at roads and steps.
This rivets me. My mom went blind on and off through her life. Glaucoma and surgeries. She only sometimes had sight in one because she lost the other to cataracts. Anyway. I was her eyes. I knew how to help her, somehow. Have you ever had a person you let be your eyes? To a point, sometimes I'll ask people for visual information. But I wouldn't want to create a relationship where it's expected, I think it can result in some uncomfortable power dynamics. I'd rather get that info from a paid service like Aira. This is just my personal preference.
How would you rate reddit's accessiblity? Kind of a pain, honestly.
Was learning Braille hard? Is Braille the same in other countries outside of the UK? It wasn't because I was very young, so it was just like a sighted child learning print.
This doesn't have an easy answer. Broadly it's the same. The letters A to Z are the same in all languages that use the Latin alphabet, much like they are in print.
However, most languages have what is known as contracted, or grade 2, braille. So one character might represent several letters. In English, we have such a character for er, or the, or wh. Because these are common letter combinations. Grade 2 in French will be different, as will grade 2 in German.
English speaking countries have also had some variation when it comes to more advanced presentation rules, and certainly braille mathematics. That is why in the early 2000s Unified English Braille was created. With increases in electronic braille production, it was viewed as important to create a unified code, so that electronic braille could easily be shared between English speaking countries, and so there wouldn't be these small variations.
You mentioned you love books. You also mentioned that books that are meant to be realistic, but have poor depictions of blind characters frustrate you. Have you read "All the Light We Cannot See" by Anthony Doerr, and if so, how did you feel about the depiction of the blind girl? I honestly thought it was a bit ridiculous, but not the worst I've read.
Have you ever tried to draw anything from your imagination and if so, what did you draw? Could you visualise the drawing after you drew it based on the shapes? I'm horrible at drawing. I've tried on paper where the lines then are raised, but I'm just not coordinated enough. I struggle to even draw a circle unless I can draw around something.
Are there any questions you get that you are tired of or are just like what the hell? Also what's a question that you never have been asked but want to answer? Honestly how I use a computer. It's exhausting that most people still don't know this.
And not really, I do find the deeper, more thoughtful questions interesting though.
Are heights or flying scary at all to you? I actually don't like heights, so I've done things like skydiving and paragliding because I need to get over myself.
Do you make facial expressions? If you do, does that mean a smile when we’re happy is built into us. I do. I can't tell you how I know them, I just do.
Do you think you compare yourself to people less than those of us who are sighted? So much of the standard women hold themselves to seems visual to me. Weight, beauty, aging, fashion... I imagine you not to be bombarded with these standards, advertisements, social media visuals. Do you feel less pressure on these things than you imagine we do? I still feel a huge amount of pressure, compounded by not being able to compare myself. I have to ask people about my own appearance, which then makes me worry that they aren't completely truthful. Even if they are, it's their perception. I'll never have my own true perception of myself, because it's always filtered through information I'm given by others.
Is there an equivalent of line graphs and charts that blind people can use? For example did you understand the concept of exponential growth at the start of the Covid-19 crisis? You can plot these using tactile graph papers. There are audio graphs, which can give an overview of the information.
Do you own a printer, 2d or 3d. Can you read print text if its embossed? I can sort of read print if it's embossed, but often I forget the shapes of the letters and have to be reminded. I don't currently own a printer, I usually go to a library if I need a document printing.
i glanced over a couple of your youtube videos, and i noticed your eyeballs sort of wobble back and forth as if you're reading text with your eyes. is that a part of your genetic disorder? or are you doing that consciously, if so why? It's known as nystagmus. It can exist as a condition on its own, but often it goes hand in hand with other eye diseases, particularly forms of congenital blindness. Essentially I have no control over the muscles in my eyes so these are involuntary movements.
To piggyback off the person asking about software accessibility - do you ever spend time with software on a non-personal device - like a public kiosk? Are you able to use the product if there is no headphone jack? If it has audio output yes. But I would only use something like an ATM if it had a headphone jack so that I could access the information in a confidential manner.
What software do you use, especially for email? My mother is blind, stubborn, and cantankerous, always has been even before blindness. She uses an ancient version of JAWS and refuses to update, and I'd love to know what options are out there. Jaws is good but she'd be better off using the latest version with win10. I use NVDA because it's free, and VoiceOver on my iPhone.
Are you often browsing on reddit? And if so, what subreddits do you visit? (You don't have to list any of them if they are too private) Dogs, blind and the not the onion are some of my favourites. Also just browsing random things. Reddit is kind of a pain in terms of accessibility, so I honestly go elsewhere for chat, which is a shame because I like the people here.
I'm actually curious about how Blind People can use computers and how you can read our questions. I'm guessing a special machine is involved, but how does it work ? I use a screenreader, a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read out what's on the screen. I also touch type and navigate using a keyboard instead of the mouse.
Have you ever thought deeply that being blind was going to affect all your life and had a breakdown or were really depressed? There have been times. Mostly when a certain aspect of my life isn't going well, so it's easy to attribute it all to blindness. When really there are usually many factors at play.
Have you ever tried the app “be my eyes”? It is an interesting app I found for helping with tasks. I thought it would be great to help out a blind or visually impaired person. I’ve only connected with someone once but I’d love to help more. I have tried it, it can be really useful in certain situations.
How was your experience in Colombia? For how long did you live there? I loved it, I lived there for a year and it was the best year of my life. I loved everything about Colombian culture and the friends I made there. Also, is your username because of In the Heights, or just a coincidence?
Do you ever feel self conscious about what you look like to others? I do, I'm still under the same pressure other people are to look a certain way. I also feel more pressure because if I don't look good, maybe people will attribute that to my blindness and just assume I don't know how.
What are some things that you have done that a person who isn't blind, thinks that a blind person wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't do? Honestly most things, because people have such low expectations of blind people. Travel, get a job, move away from home, just have a normal adult life.
Looks like the mods want proof. How do you plan to do this blind? I'm not sure how to submit proof to them? I have all my documentation if they want it!
Do you ever listen to audiobooks? If so, what’s your favourite? I do, maybe the His Dark Materials trilogy. I love so many books though.
How do audiobooks and films (with audio description) compare to each other, is there one your prefer? I prefer books but I think that's personality, more than blindness. My sighted sister also prefers books to tv. We both grew up reading a lot as children.
How do you perceive colours when you haven't seen them? When someone says "I have a red car", what do you imagine? I don't, I just accept it as a fact and file it away.
Do you get motion sickness? On a roller coaster, a car, a boat or a plane? Or any other way of travel? I don't personally.
Is there anything that we (i.e. the general public) can do to make things easier for you when out and about, without being patronising? I know you are certainly neither stupid nor incapable, but just wondering what I can do to be more considerate perhaps. Mostly just asking rather than assuming someone needs help, then listening to the answer that is given. Being grabbed is the worst.
Hi, I am the father of a 5-month old who was also just diagnosed with LCA. What are some of the things that you wish your parents would have done differently as they were raising you? Edit: also, I understand that someone with LCA has that uncontrollable urge to press/rub their eyeballs, which my baby is doing every 10 seconds, why is that so and how best to stop it? Hi, it's so great to meet other LCA families. I really wish they'd encouraged me to use a cane far more than they did. Developing those skills at a young age is really critical and makes for a much easier transition into adult life. If you'd like to reach out feel free to do so, I've included a lot of links in my original post and I'm happy to answer more questions, but as this thread is huge I might miss them here.
Hi CatchTheseWords, Hope your day finds you well. Do you find or have others commented your senses are better than the sighted? For instance do you find people can’t hear things when you can? And if so...ever considered being a super hero? Cheers! I'd love to say it was as easy as just deciding to be a superhero! My other senses aren't any better, I just pay attention to them more.
When you were younger, did other children ever bully you for being blind or take advantage of your blindness to bully you more easily? This happened mostly when I was in primary school.
It's great that you are self-reliant. But I cannot resist assuming there have been people in your life who must have given you the maximum amount of information about the world around you that couldn't have perceived unless you saw it yourself or unless somebody explained it to you. Who are these people and how did they help you understand the world? Honestly mostly it was books. I learnt a lot about body language, or how things look, by reading about them. I'm also very lucky to have lots of people in my life who will answer questions if I ask them. My parents for example have always been very open with information.
And my orientation and mobility teachers who taught me to use a cane, and who encouraged me to explore my environment.
How's the quality on audio description for visual media? Do you feel you're getting a good representation of what's happening on screen? Overall I feel the quality is high, and I usually get the information I need. Having said that, I've no way of knowing if details are left out, because I wouldn't know they were there unless someone told me.
I am a developer who create apps for use. How is modern technology assisting with additional needs for you? Is there additional improvements you see that could help bring internet within your reach easier? Really complying with existing accessibility guidelines is the biggest thing, and conducting accessibility testing. Technology can remove so many barriers, but if it isn't designed to function with assistive technology it can create barriers as well.
What comes to mind when you think of racism? White conservative assholes.
If I’m going through a door and I see a blind person approaching do I hold the door for them? Do I say “I got the door.”? Definitely say you have it, otherwise we're likely to put our hand out for it and find it's not there. It's totally fine to hold the door, equally, if you're in a rush don't feel guilty for not holding it.
i've seen some blind people click their tongues or their fingers to sort of echo locate. kind of like daredevil. i've seen blind people navigate without a cane. can you do that and if so to what extent? Navigation without a cane, unless in an environment like someone's house, is really dangerous. It's not a mark of success or achievement to do that, because with echo location you can still miss a hole in the ground and fall in it.
But yeah, I can echo locate, though mostly I do it passively. So for example by tapping my cane I can use that echo to gain certain information about my environment.
Do you drink alcohol? What is your experience like when/if you have? I do. Usually just the usual embarrassment most people experience.
Who was your best teacher? There were so so many. Honestly I was lucky to have wonderful teachers who all taught me so many things, not just about their particular subject, but life in general.
What software and browser-extensions are you using right now to do this AMA? What is your favorite piece of tech. Firefox, and NVDA is the screenreader. I just use a regular PC and iPhone.
How do you want new people, such as a coworker to ask about your blindness? Just be really open about it. I'd rather someone was direct than was clearly uncomfortable and didn't want to ask. Equally, remember that the person is more than just their blindness, so don't centre it in every conversation.
What does the Cosmos mean to you? Like how do you imagine the Cosmos outside of our own planet? Ask the stars, galaxies and stuff? Do these interest you? It's very, very interesting to me. My greatest disappointment is knowing that I will probably never travel into space and experience it for myself.
Being a sighted person, I sometimes think that sight is too easy to rely on at the expense of other senses. It is so easy to get wrapped up in thoughts and overly rely on sight to function, in a lazy way. Sometimes it's difficult to live in the present moment. When I was 25 a friend would say that I was missing out on life, that I should stop and smell the roses more. I wonder if you struggle with living in the moment? I do. I'm so concerned with my goals I often forget that there is a here and now. I think this is the down side to being so driven.
How are you going to know what I've asked in this question? The same way I wrote my original post.....
the below is a reply to the above
And how is that? Also, what do you think upvote buttons look like? Through a combination of a screenreader, a piece of software that allows blind people to access the computer through synthesised speech output of content on the screen, and touch typing. And I'm not sure, maybe a thumbs up?
When is your favorite language and/or accents? Also, would you mind sharing an embarrassing story? This is my favorite AMA ever. Thank you for doing this! I learnt Spanish, and I really love Latin-American Spanish.
Hmm, honestly my life is a constant string of embarrassing moments, some blind related, some not. I still feel shame when I remember calling a primary school teacher of mine Grandma when I was like 5. I...don't know why. It just happened in the moment. Not like I actually thought she was my grandma.
Could you briefly let us know what it takes for you to record videos and post them to your YouTube channel? At the moment I'm using a USB webcam to record my videos. I'd have to write a long post, or make a video to really show the process. There are lots of small things I have to do.
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2020.09.23 06:59 Haunting_Annual_5 Online masturbation with random strangers

I spent years on self improvement including facial surgery, gym, intermittent fasting, loads of hobbies, cold approach, high level educational/financial success. Part of my driver was just the desire to be better. I always want to get better with everything. Part of it though was the desire to be attractive to women.
I've always been unattractive to most women since I was a child. Short, ugly, not white. Some girls in university liked me after they got to know me. Ditto with some in cold approach. But it's always been a grind.
Online dating was mostly impossible for me for years because it's all just how you look. But my most recent profile got 20 likes in the first day on Tinder of which only 2 were obviously fake/bots. That's pretty weird and shocking for me. I've never done that well. I feel like I'm "crossing the threshold" of attractiveness into where I've always wanted to be.
Even weirder though is I realize I don't even want to talk to any of them or date them. I'm not asexual. But I don't know any of them. They're just random strangers. I know some girls IRL at work for example I would love to date but can't (they're taken and it's inappropriate). But to just date some random person online? That's weird to me.
I realize I think I just wanted to be attractive. That's all. It was just another goal to me. If I've done this well on my current version, once I gain another 20 lb of muscle it should only be better. Maybe I'll want to date then? I don't know. For now I just want to keep getting better.
I think I just don't like to be told I can't have something. Being ugly is like that - like being told you can't have dates or options. eg. I don't need to eat pizza every day. Most days I don't think about eating pizza. But if you told me I could never eat pizza for the rest of my life, I would think about it every day and it would drive me crazy.
I think dating is less important than knowing you have the option to date. Masturbation is easier and less stress than sex. Your own company is easier than entertaining someone else every day.
Is this normal? Or am I weird? Am I schizoid? I don't know. I've never been in this position before so I don't know what I really want. I'm very proud that I'm "crossing the threshold" but honestly even if every single one of my likes wanted to go on a date with me or have sex with me I don't think I would. It would just be strange to me.
Which feels like a weird way to react to working so hard to accomplish something and then sort of getting there.
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2020.09.08 20:01 happyMan500 Is there difference between respectfully cold approaching a woman in the street for dating and street harassment?

I recently watched a video from Sam Bo who's channel is Fluid Social who teaches men how to cold approach women during the day.. He has recently made a video about the difference between sexual harassment and respectfully cold approaching women during day,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiOrmT8Pxq8&ab_channel=FluidSocial
However, 100% of people who viewed the video are male, so we don't have a female perspective on his video on the difference between street harassment and respectfully approaching a woman on the street.
I’ve looked a lot of videos about street harassment and also blog posts from sites like plan.org and stopstreetharassment and also sites like everydayfemenism. A lot of guides on what is considered harassment and what is an all subjective and depends on the person. There is no universal definition of what street harassment is.
For some women only things like public masturbation, catcalling etc. are street harassment, and it is okay for man to go up to women have a conversation and ask for a number if it is down respectfully.
I’ve also heard opinions from some women, that women do not want to be approached in the street at all and that there is zero percent chance of it ever being effective to meet women for dating or relationship. However, this is simply not true since I met women in the street and ended up dating them.
My way of going about it involves being honest and authentic. I start a conversation going indirect or direct depending on the situation. If she’s walking down the street, I go direct so that I am honest about my intentions right away that I am hitting on her. This is better because she’s knows my intentions straight away which saves time for both of us. For example, “Excuse me, I know this is bit random but I was passing by and I saw you and thought you look really nice so I wanted to come over and say hello.” If she’s interested or ignores me, I accept the rejection and move on. If she is interested and is welcome to my advance then I continue the conversation, build rapport and get to know her a bit and decide to get her phone number or going on an instant date. I don’t really expect any outcome when I approach women, just that I took the chance and found out as rejection is better than regret.
I also have many friends who have dated many women, met their girlfriend and wives meeting women in public places like streets, park, museum, malls, art galleries and coffee shops. I also know guys who were struggling with online dating and meeting women. They learnt how to meet women during the day and ended up a with lot of abundance and success in their dating lives.
Stopstreetharassment.org states the definition of street harassment as:
Gender-based street harassment is unwanted comments, gestures, and actions forced on a stranger in a public place without their consent and is directed at them because of their actual or perceived sex, gender, gender expression, or sexual orientation.
Now I do I agree that things like catcalling, public masturbation, wolf whistling, shouting sexual remarks, leering, stalking, repeatedly asking for her phone number, name etc. after she said no are definitely harassment. The issue is where it says “unwanted comments”. Comments like “I wanted to say hello. I think you’re beautiful” to one woman will be flattering could be offensive to another women.
When we approach women, we don’t know how she will react to our advance. However, if we don’t approach, we could potentially miss out dating, a relationship with someone. Also, women could be missing out an opportunity with a great guy if he didn’t go up and talk to her.
There many men out there who don’t want to harass or disrespect women, but also don’t want to live with regrets on missed opportunities for dating and relationships. Rejection and awkwardness are temporary, but regret last a lifetime.
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2020.09.08 03:51 Oo_Snow_oO My story of online sexual exploitation

Trapped by My Own Mind
By: Ashwin Brantham
*Names have been changed
I was a beautiful thirteen-year-old with brown hair and blue eyes. My life was not perfect, I was raised by the “perfect” Christian parents. There was no dancing, no card playing, no music besides hymns. In fact, I still laugh when I recall how my siblings begged me to break my only WOW CD because we could not listen to songs that had a beat. But most of all, I was repeatedly told that sex before marriage was completely out of the question. Interestingly enough then, this is a story about how my innocence was stolen from me as a 13-year-old who just did not know any better.
One early morning, around the beginning of the new school year, my family moved into a small town in Nevada where I was a complete stranger and not well accepted in the new town. I tried to get my classmates to like me but to no avail. I got basketballs thrown at my face and my stuff broken. If there was a way to hurt me emotionally or physically, my classmates would not hesitate.
I turned to online chat rooms back when MSN and Yahoo chat rooms were famous. I would talk a little here and there about my story in the main chat and people could freely privately message me. I only went to Christian chat rooms because there could never be evil in the Christian world, at least that is what I thought. My dad was a pastor at a church, and I had grown up believing in the purity of the believers. I was naive and innocent.
Over time, the repeated bullying got me depressed and I would cut myself to take away the pain. I did not hide it either in the chat rooms and one fateful day this forty-five-year-old messaged me. He was married and his name was Rick. He had short silver hair and a gray silver circle beard. Overtime, I began to trust him and sometimes even talked to him on the phone even though I was going through an internet safety course in school at the time. I knew never to give my phone number away. I broke that rule because what harm could a Christian guy do in this small town that I lived in? Although, all the phone numbers started the same way 308.456.---- and only the last four digits were different. I also was learning about a virus that someone can put on the computer and track where you live.
One day, while on chat, Rick asked me if I wanted to see him.
I said, “Sure.” Innocently.
Rick turned on his webcam and showed me his penis at first, but quickly turned it towards his face. He said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, but what do you think of it?”
I did not know what to say or to think. Honestly, I do not remember what I said. I do know how I felt. I felt scared. This was supposed to be a Christian guy. Was he going to find me? The discussions about the computer virus came back to haunt me. Rick asked me if I would meet up with him. I was frozen with fear and I knew I did not want to meet him because I was afraid of getting raped.
The next time Rick and I talked online Rick just showed me his penis and masturbated. I was trembling inside but did not confront him. I just could not muster the courage. Rick would go into excruciating detail about masturbation, phone sex, and internet sex. He also taught me how to be his “cam girl”. I did everything he wanted. What would happen if I did not obey him? What if he decided to track my number and showed up at my house? What if he had already planted the virus into my computer? Slowly, but surely, I was trapped in my own mind, unable to confront Rick, yet always making myself available for him out of fear.
I got so used to the fact that I was just someone’s sex toy that it became easy for me to show off my body and have webcam sex with random men. I did not care anymore. I knew it was wrong, but a piece of me enjoyed the attention. Shame and guilt replaced fear. I would cut myself after every little webcam session. I thought I deserved to be hurt for engaging in such sinful acts.
I started to think this was how my life was going to be. I would become a prostitute or a sex-worker. I started to show more and more men my body even though I was a minor and they were all men. If they wanted a naked picture of me, I would give it to them. But soon it was all becoming too much for me. I wanted out of this life. I had just turned sixteen, and the only way I could conceive of getting out of this was by gaining weight. I did not think about going to an adult or the police for help. What I was doing was wrong. But I knew that a lot of the men I was talking to thought we were “dating” and wanted to meet up. So, I had to make them stop themselves.
I cannot tell you how many guys I have had internet sex with. I cannot tell you if any of them still have my pictures. I cannot tell you if my picture is buried on the dark web somewhere. I can tell you how much it has affected me as an adult. I still suffer from the trauma and the anxiety that came with these experiences.
I am who I am, and I cannot change the past, but I can change my future.
Edit: to say names have been changed
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2020.07.26 15:05 megameganium1 Online masturbation with random strangers

I have a lot of shit I wanna get out. Idk if it’s gonna all be in order, it might just be as I remember it.
We met in 2014 in our first semesters of college and like stupid 18yr old kids started dating even though there wasn’t much chemistry. She was a musician and made a few ‘fandom’ oriented songs that went viral in like 2012 and had millions of views on youtube and honestly? I was impressed at her gaining such a following. I figured that must mean something and theres no use in being judgemental right? I was just happy to have met another musician.
One of our first ever arguments was a month or two in when I told her I needed some extra time working on schoolwork. I was behind and needed some time alone. This led to a huge meltdown where she cried and screamed for the rest of the night, and eventually out of sympathy and to make sure she was ok, I ended up spending the rest of the night for her.
This set a clear precedent and was a pattern that repeated for years. I wasn’t allowed to have time to myself. I wasn’t allowed to spend time with my friends unless she was invited too. And if she was invited she would later cry about how she thinks they all hate her. I began spending less time with other friends because of all the stress involved. But I would still insist on meeting up with them for some online games and would put up with the fight I knew would come from it, cause I love those friends and they’ve been part of my life since I was 10.
She was always scared of the fact that I was bisexual, she was scared I would leave her for a man. She was always under the impression I had cheated or was cheating on her. A year or so into the relationship a close friend sent me a heartfelt message about how he missed me. I cried, and that’s incredibly rare for me. She was angry with me, she became upset and cried as well, cause “you love him more than me, you’re gonna leave me for him” yeah I love him, but like my brother. He literally calls me sis now. We grew up together. And I almost lost him cause of her jealousy.
She actually became so convinced I was cheating on her that when she got what turned out to be a yeast infection she didn’t get it checked out for a year cause - in her words - she would find out it’s and STD, then know that I cheated on her, and would have to break up with me. She didn’t say anything until months into knowing she had something. My poor tongue.
The worst incident of her jealously was when I confided in her that I was groomed and sexually assaulted by someone much older when I was in my teens. This person I actually pressed charges against last year and he is now a registered sex offender. My family wanted him to go to jail but I’m glad he didn’t cause he had some health complications and probably would have died in prison. As long as he cant hurt any more kids I’m fine. But back to the girl I was dating. I honestly think she damaged me more than he ever could.
When I told her I was assaulted as a teen, she became jealous and started crying. She was the only person I had ever told and I asked her to keep it that way. I was scared of what would happen if that info got out, or got back to him or my family. I wasn’t ready for my life to be uprooted like that. Her response of jealousy scared me though, especially when she found out I had been around him one day while we were dating. This ramped up her idea that I had cheated on her to new levels. Now she had “proof” and the proof was that I was raped as a teenager and later had ran into my rapist. No concern as to how that might have been a damaging experience for me, just fear that I had slept with someone else while she was dating me. Again, I had not. Seeing him again was upsetting, I had no desire to fuck him.
Then she went and told her family about what happened a few months later. Again, because she was scared I had cheated and was scared I gave her an STD. Now all of a sudden her parents had opinions and input on me being raped, despite my own family still not knowing. It was terrifying and I was angry. I still feel so betrayed. I almost broke up with her then and there but she cried and begged, and I was worried she might hurt herself so I didn’t. But I was clear I needed some space, and needed some boundaries. I kept telling her I needed a few days to myself. But for the entire following week, she began calling nonstop every day just to cry about how bad she felt and beg for my sympathy, and was beginning to turn it around on me. All of a sudden I was consoling her for being sad that she hurt me? It felt confusing and wrong but I had no time to even breathe or process. I was being nonstop inundated with this huge emotional reaction to something that had actually hurt me, not her. This, again, was part of a larger trend. If I was hurt by something she said or did, she would cry about how bad she felt and threaten to harm herself and then suddenly I was consoling her for hurting me.
The self harm threat was a quiet undercurrent in a lot of interactions. Language like “I don’t know what I might do” came up frequently. One of the few times the implications became direct threats was when she had a meltdown saying I hadn’t texted her back all day and was ignoring her. I responded with a screenshot of the lengthy text chats we had that day, where I had responded to everything she said and also told her I was out with some friends. I called her on her obvious lie and pointed out the problem she really had was that I was with friends. That moment the threat became direct. She crossed the line of actually threatening to hurt herself. And she got her way. I stepped away from my friends for hours to get her to calm down.
I need a break from writing this.
Ok a few more instances of meltdowns that are mostly connected to what I already talked about:
One time I ordered onions on my burrito at chipotle. She doesn’t like the smell of onions. She spent the rest of the night screaming and crying how could I do that to her when I know she doesn’t like onions. I swear to god. I still don’t understand this one it felt so childish.
I took her to easter dinner with my family. She started crying about the food they served her (she was notoriously picky so we made and set aside plain buttered noodles for her) and she wouldnt touch it for some reason so I had to drive her out to mcdonalds, embarrassed in front of my family. My mom called a few days later to raise some concerns about how she acted at easter dinner. She overheard and, when I got off the phone, started screaming “She’s fucking insane I hate her!” At the top of her lungs, loud enough I was worried the police would be called. (There was one instance of this where police were called but I’ll get to that!)
[this section was inserted later and idk where best to put it cause it touches on a very weird thing that happened a handful of times] One time I was working in my uni’s music studio on some of my own music, probably for a homework assignment, and she decided to show up. She began giving advice and direction and such for the song I was working on. I decided not to go with some of her Ideas as I didn’t feel like it fit the direction I was going with the song. I was honestly kinda deep in my workflow and wasn’t expecting her to assert her ideas over my music anyway and mostly kept my course. She was upset that I didn’t take her recommendations and got incredibly upset very quickly and was suddenly screaming. The bizzare part was she went from “you just think I’m stupid” to “how dare you call me stupid” without any actual input from me. She was angry and yelling at me for saying something that not only did I not say, I didn’t even imply. When I was confused as to why she was angry at me for saying something that never left my mouth she accused me of gaslighting her. This was scary for me cause like, yeah it did look like I was gaslighting her. She was angry at me for insulting her and I was telling her no I never said that? I had to assume I must have implied it through my actions, but the more I replayed the scenario in my mind the more it just didn’t add up. This happened several other times but I can’t remember what they were. I just know being confused that she was mad at me for words that never left my mouth. As usual, the above example in the studio ended in a full-night meltdown and detailed threats of self harm.
She was into theater, and one production she was in ended on a particularly transphobic joke. I didn’t want to raise too much a stink about it cause I was friends with a few other people in the production too, but i was generally pretty upset about it and wanted to just go back to my room and sleep it off. Then, like a punch in the gut, I got hit with “why aren’t you excited for me? I’ve been working towards this all year you’re supposed to be happy for me.” I genuinely tried sticking to my guns here that I wanted to be alone for the night, and I wasn’t even mad at her! But she followed me all the way home and continued to argue and wouldn’t even listen to the fact that I was upset by the production, it hit a little too close to home, and I wanted some time to myself. Her achievement was supposed to take precedent. Of course, I became scared she might hurt herself when she started screaming some rather gory details about wanting to be stabbed. She spent the night in my room.
Early on in the relationship I made a comment on how I’d never be comfortable getting married, I just don’t see it in my future. (In hindsight, I just didn’t want to be a husband and saw marriage as traditional gender roles and wasn’t out as trans yet lmao) months later, she called me out of the blue and brought it up, then had a panic attack, screaming about how her life would be ruined if she never got to get married and I must not even love her if I don’t see myself getting married to her in the future. I tried pushing back saying it’s way too early to be talking about this in our relationship, we’re only a few months in. I was also trying to rush her off the phone cause I had a work shift starting soon. I wanted to revisit the topic later after work and finish discussing it. She decided no, this had to be discussed right now, and started threatening self harm again if I left. I spent the next 45 minutes trying to talk her down from that and calm her down. I was legitimately scared she might hurt herself and this was early enough in the relationship that I didn’t realize it was just a strategy of hers yet. I was 30 minutes late to work and immediately fired.
Funny thing about her constant threat of self harm and suicide, I don’t think she ever actually made any attempt to harm herself. At least nothing I was ever aware of. It was just a threat. I, on the other hand, did actually end up in the mental hospital for genuinely attempting on my own life while dating her. I wouldn’t blame her for that though, I’ve always had my own struggles.
This type of extreme reaction and threat of self harm extended to the bedroom as well. I don’t know whether to call this sexual assault or not. It feels like a sort of gray area where in some ways my consent was violated and compromised but not entirely. Basically I couldn’t say no. She usually pressured me into sex even if I wasn’t in the mood. And early on the consequences of saying no became clear. I couldn’t get it up one time, (because I wasn’t in the mood but she was begging for sex so I decided to try and put out) and this led to her red faced screaming and hitting things. Kinda funny in hindsight to think of a small 5ft woman turn beet red and start screaming like an infant while punching things around her. Terrifying at the time.
Actually this story in particular gets to something that fucks me up about these memories. Point A doesn’t sensibly lead to point B. It feels like I’m leaving something out. Like maybe I forgot something. Or that I left something out to make myself look better. No one starts screaming and crying cause their partner can’t get it up that doesn’t make any sense. But that’s really what happened. I can’t make any deeper sense of it, I’ve tried and am trying. This sort of thing has led to this general feeling of unreality when it comes to my own memories of this relationship. But this is genuinely how I remember these events. On the one hand I hope it’s accurate because it makes it clear why I feel so damaged, but on the other hand I hope there’s details I missed that if I remembered would show me that it was all a big misunderstanding and I’m worked up over nothing. I feel like a conspiracy theorist trying to piece together my own memories.
Ok but this definitely affected how we had sex for the rest of the relationship. Alongside the fear of cheating and fear of a nonexistent STD. Sex was complicated. Under such constant threat of meltdowns and threats of self harm, I never truly felt like I could say no. And even then sometimes things could go wrong. Honestly it was pretty scary. I dreaded having sex with her for the most part, but also wasn’t allowed to masturbate (if she wasn’t my only sexual outlet, that was basically cheating. Porn? Cheating. Erotica? Cheating. Masturbation at all? You’re thinking of other people, probably men. Cheating.) so there were moments where I might initiate but those were honestly rather rare. Something really strange would happen: she would begin to have an anxiety attack while we were having sex. She would panic and sometimes start crying. Therefore I would want to stop, right? Now I’m worried for her and whats going on, and tbh no longer sexually turned on. Wrong answer. If I pulled out it was an instant meltdown. Usually a huge one with her screaming loud enough to have me again worried about someone calling the cops. Ok so option B: she’s telling me to keep going even though she’s having a panic attack, so I guess I’ll keep going cause the alternative is super scary? Also wrong answer. Fuck my heart is pounding writing this rn I gotta take another break
I promise thats not for dramatic effect, I’ve been periodically working on this for most of today and want to keep my place and catalog my thoughts as they come.
If I kept having sex with her, while she was having a panic attack, while I was afraid of things going horribly south if I stopped, she would then cry and say she felt violated. I can’t blame her there, I’d feel violated too if I had a dick inside me while I was panicking and crying. But, fuck, I felt violated too for being under threat if I stopped! I don’t even know what to make of this situation. I feel like I sexually violated someone but was at the same time sexually violated. How the fuck does that even work. I feel like a horrible person but I dont feel like I had any other choice. I made the selfish choice by focusing on self preservation? I wanted to stop but I was scared of the repercussions if I did. What the fuck am I even saying. This shit haunts me like nothing else, it’s hard to be coherent on it. I want to talk about it more cause I feel like theres more to this but I can’t. I’ll save that for therapy I guess.
This wasn’t one instance of fucked up sex, this was a pattern and I tried different approaches and these were the only two outcomes. I dreaded having sex with her cause it was scary. I would find any excuse to get out of it and would pay attention to the times she would get horny so I could try and avoid her more when that was the case. Late into the relationship she hit me with “we never have sex anymore, I wish we would do it more frequently.” I was upset because we had 2-3 times that week and that still wasn’t enough for her. And I couldn’t just admit to being afraid of her.
I still to this day struggle with my relationship with sex. After I broke up with her I had a bad stint of risky sex with strangers who usually treated me pretty poorly and now sometimes struggle to have sex with my current partner.
There was one conversation I had with her about a month before we broke up where she realized that for much of the early part of our relationship she had violated my consent in bed. We were having a conversation about our sex drives, it came up how I have a much lower drive than her. I made a comment about how it can be hard for me to engage sometimes when I’m really not in the mood. I didn’t fully process what I was saying. It hit her, and she asked me if I felt like she had pressured me into sex a lot. I proceeded to give a non-answer to avoid having to seriously consider the implications of that, and tried to reassure her it was ok. She cried.
Ok onto the next bit cause the sex stuff is the hardest to talk about. How about how things ended?
We had moved colleges together because we both decided we wanted to pursue music composition. We fell into a friend group and that was dangerous for her, cause now I was talking to other people that weren’t her, and that was an already established problem. One friend in particular I ended up speaking to about what was going on in the relationship. The friend essentially suggested I try and confront her on some of these issues, but from a distance instead of face to face. That would mean I’d be able to better stand my ground and have this friend by my side. They ended up helping me through a lot in this relationship, and would point out how certain things she would say were manipulative and how fucked up it was. Ultimately the scene this led to was me texting her and trying to enforce that I need space, and insisting that I be given some more time to myself and that she respects that, with her responding that this meant I don’t love her anymore and if I dont tell her I love her right now she’s going to hurt herself. This was another big point that keeps me up at night. I feel like I gambled with her life and I hate myself for it. But I called her bluff and told her I’m not going to say that under threat. According to her and according to people that lived near her, she started screaming so loud and constantly that people called the police and they came knocking on her door. God I’m glad I wasn’t in that room at the time.
Somehow though this was the first time I was able to grasp a solid footing, and felt like I had some sway in the relationship. I pushed hard for some space, thinking that would solve things. Maybe if she just wasn’t so overly attached to me these problems would stop, I thought. So for the ensuing summer I tried to set a limit on how often we interacted. I wanted to only call once per week for maybe a couple hours and mostly take a break. My idea was that we could reset. I tried talking to her about some strategies we could go into the next semester with to make things a little healthier, some proper boundaries. She seemed open to this at first and seemed to actually be finally listening. But maybe just cause she realized the only alternative was losing me.
Over that summer though, she started creeping her way past those boundaries as I let my guard down. All of a sudden by the end of it we were talking almost every day again. When we got back into the semester and were surrounded by that group of friends again, I think she fully knew what a danger they were to her and started working on them as well. She began isolating each member of the friend group, telling them lies about what another person in the group said or felt, and trying to turn everyone against each other. She would find things that others did wrong or something stupid they said and try and stir up controversy, get others to hate that person. It wasn’t calculated enough though, cause eventually we caught on and came clean with each other. This was the first time it wasn’t only happening to me, so all of a sudden her manipulation felt so much more real. It cast doubt onto every facet of the relationship for me, cause I was finally realizing how deeply she lies. That whole friend group accompanied me to her apartment, and we all laid out how we were individually feeling and how her behavior was extremely damaging. The idea was not to call her out as much as to show her how she’s hurt people so she has the chance to change that in the future. I told her I was breaking up with her and that I don’t want to speak for a while, but I don’t hate her and I will still come to her performances to support her.
I meant it too. I didn’t want to see her as abusive. The narrative up to this point was that her controlling behavior was a product of her anxiety disorder, and I encouraged her to seek therapy to help manage her anxiety attacks. Her anxiety was something that came up often, usually to shut me down when I tried to point out how some of the above stories felt wrong to me. Wrong as in this shouldn’t be how people act or treat each other. Any time I might take offense to her insisting I was cheating when I clearly wasn’t, or be upset that she outed me as a rape victim to her family, she would claim I wasn’t being understanding enough of her mental illness. This was set up from the very beginning. It was clear she had severe anxiety and I wanted to be as accommodating to that as possible. I honestly had a special talent for calming her down and pulling her out of a panic. It’s something I still do with my current partner as well, I like to be there for people emotionally. There’s nothing wrong with having anxiety. But her panic attacks always seemed to involve yelling at me or being suspicious of me even when whatever may have triggered an attack had nothing to do with me. I started getting scared of her panic attacks cause it always involved me suffering and having to take care of her. I became the only person who could pull her out of one too. This paragraph feels like my most meandering so far. I don’t really have properly collected thoughts here and it’s really tough because with a lot of the language to talk about this the waters have been muddied. I’ve always felt this tension within my own beliefs and values of understanding, emotional sensitivity, and awareness and advocacy for mental health. I know very intimately that there are some ugly, scary, difficult to understand elements of mental illness and that people who struggle with that still deserve love and understanding. Why shouldn’t I be understanding of her? Why do I feel so drained? And used?
Whatever. So I managed to finally end it when I realized how awful she was. I didn’t want to hate her, and told her I would still support her and go to her shows. Well, several weeks after breaking up with her I fell into a rather unstable place and began having some risky hookups. I knew it was unhealthy behavior, and had a brief convo about it with another friend over Facebook, in a private group meant for venting and such. My comment wasn’t at all bragging, it was more about how I felt that meaningless sex was damaging to me at the time. Suddenly my ex starts messaging me. I actually still have this full conversation screenshotted, I’m considering posting that up. It didn’t go so well. She was angry about seeing my comment. “I cannot believe you would talk about your brand new sex life right where I can see it barely a month after we broke up!” I had honestly not known she was still in this group and honestly this felt like some teen drama bullshit. Maybe she had some right to be upset about it, but I just blew up. I was in such a shitty place and having risky sex as a form of self harm, feeling fucked up and confused by what she had done to me sexually, and she decided to give me shit for the most non-revealing comment on that. I was angry, and laid into her with every shitty thing she’s ever pulled on me and calling her out on her manipulative and abusive behavior. I ended it by telling her she doesn’t own me and to never speak to me again.
Funny side note, I’ve been drafting this up for almost 2 weeks now, intermittently adding sentences as I have the spoons to do it. It’s become a nice catalog for me to capture as much of what I remember and reinforce to myself that these events really did happen, even when it feels like they happened to someone else entirely, like an alternate reality version of myself.
Anyway, that final conversation with her was an important turning point. I recieved an email from my school maybe a month later stating she had filed a “no-contact order” against me. This barred any direct or indirect contact, with potential repercussions if violated. At the time my university let students file these whenever without needing to show any proof of continued unwanted contact. It was a known tactic in the school for shutting down anyone who might speak ill of you. Yeah, funny thing about “indirect contact” is that it effectively means you are not at all allowed to speak about this person to others, because what you say could potentially get back to the party who filed the no-contact. It felt almost obvious to me this was her goal. My last words to her were basically Never speak to me again. Well, more exactly, “I don’t want to talk for a while. I think you should ask someone else to do your album.” (Yeah I was gonna produce her record. Dodged a bullet there, she was a nightmare in the studio. Oh damn I should have written about that in the other sections) but basically it felt pretty clear I had no intention of contacting her and had actually blocked her on social media. So it could only really be because she was worried about what I might tell others about her.
I, in my infinite stupidity, thought oh well at least I’ll still go to her shows like I said I would. Especially since she’s playing at a small festival that many of my other friends are also playing. After seeing me in the crowd while performing, (like 10 people max, hardly a crowd but hey I’ve played smaller shows, not gonna judge, anyway the point is I was more visible than I expected or hoped) she had a full meltdown on stage. She began sobbing and shouting telling me to leave. Of course I left. I was shocked that it was that strong of a reaction, as well as embarrassed. I certainly never came to a show of hers again.
I genuinely don’t want to hate people, it’s something I try to practice. Even though I don’t want to speak to her anymore and she’s hurt me immensely, people are capable of change. They deserve to be supported in bettering their life in hopes that they don’t hurt people in the future.
I assumed she was simply upset, but I also started to put the pieces together as to what was happening. There wasn’t much I could to to stop it though. Most of my extended social network were musicians, so we all frequently held DIY shows in people’s apartments and different rooms and halls in academic buildings. I started to get kicked out of many of these. Not because she was performing, she was not. She had simply shown up, saw me, and started screaming and crying, trying to run and hide. People running shows, especially DIY, didn’t want any drama and it quickly looked like I was the aggressor so I would be kicked out before the show even started. Often times I had no clue she was even there if the crowd was large enough. I just had someone come over to me and request that I leave so there’s not any trouble.
So I was quickly locked out of a major point of interaction with my colleagues. I know a DIY show sounds like not something to get too worked up about, but to us it was building our careers and connections. It was a key way to show support. And any time I wanted to go to one I had to worry about getting kicked out for no reason.
Then friends started dropping me. I received some nasty messages from one person, but a lot of people just effectively ghosted me. If they saw me walking by they would quietly avert their eyes and rush away. My ex however if she saw me pass by (we had classes in the same building, it was fairly frequent) she was loudly start sobbing and run in the opposite direction, like she was terrified I would attack her. And I think that was an intentional implication. I started hearing rumors about me that I was stalking her and that I had hit her. I heard this from someone I thought I was still friends with and went to sit down with in the cafeteria. They told me they had no interest in being friends anymore. (Note, we had hooked up a couple times and I was pretty into them, this hit hard) I wouldn’t believe she would actually straight up lie like that so my idea was that it must be my uni’s typically overactive rumor mill combined with her intense public reaction to seeing me at all. She was terrified of me, I felt like a monster but had no idea why.
There are more elements to what was apparently a full smear campaign but I’m getting tired of writing this so I’m gonna just try and rush through. Theres a ton of songs on spotify about how I’m some evil scary monster. People on facebook loved to share them for a while cause I couldn’t speak up on her without having a title 9 violation but she was still spreading dirt on me. One said I had no friends, which actually hurt cause she had taken so many away from me. At one point I did try to speak up a bit more and immediately got hit with a title 9 hearing. Thing is, the No Contact is supposed to work both ways, they cant have any indirect contact with me either. Months prior I had reported to the title 9 office that what she was spreading about me constitutes indirect contact. I thought the hearing was a follow up on that. Nope, it was them telling me I had to stop speaking about her at all to anyone. I was pretty pissed and gave the title 9 officer an earful about double standards. So she said she would follow up with me ex and tell her to stop spreading dirt on me as well, and that there would be no repercussions for any of us.
This was fairly close to me graduating if I remember correctly. It didn’t matter, the damage was already done. I was starting to rebuild and was lucky to find some people who didn’t believe I was a terrifying monster. Plus some people had taken the “I’m gonna stay out of this” approach which I can kinda respect but also is fucking annoying ya know? These were the people sharing her music she wrote about me on social media. After finally graduating I tried to set this straight. I put out word on social media that I wasn’t ok with any more overlap in our circles and couldn’t stand to constantly see her promotional material in my feed. I made it clear that I felt she had sexually violated me. This was after a couple months of going over sexual trauma with my therapist if I remember correctly, and it certainly felt like that’s what I had experienced. In some form. Its still confusing but I’m feeling more confident in saying that what she did was wrong. Some people that I knew who were still friends with her who had previously decided to stay out of it I ended up speaking to directly on the issue, and tried to give them as detailed an explanation as I could at the time. God it felt like I was ripping my own heart out trying to recount everything that happened to someone I was scared wouldn’t believe me. It turns out while she was saying things about me, she wasn’t giving anyone specific details really whatsoever. I’ve heard from several people now “well she was really vague about everything, I believed her cause her emotions seemed so genuinely emotional about it.”
Thats so strange to me. She didn’t say that I did anything aside from act abusive to her in the vaguest sense. She let the power of suggestion do the rest. She would rant to people about how awful I was but seems to never have given any details. For some reason this just drives me more crazy. I’ve spent years paranoid about what is being said about me, wondering why no one would tell me directly. I was cursed with people vehemently hating me without ever quite knowing why, aside from them having some form of contact with my ex. What could she be possibly be saying that could turn people on me like this? Well according to the few people who have had that discussion with her and were previously wary of me before giving me a shot, not much.
Well, I caught wind of a twitter post she had made publicly to her followers a few weeks ago from writing this. Her “coming out about her story of abuse.” It’s the most detail I’ve seen yet and directly from her mouth. It’s such a bizarre feeling: relief, of finally knowing what’s said about me. Horror, that this is being blasted out to a crowd of people.
Well, heres what was said about me: I psychologically abused and gaslit them for 4 years. I made fun of them in front of friends, called them awful names, and treated them like a dumbass “b word” Whenever they told me I was hurting them I turned it around on them and told them they were abusive for standing up for their own dignity. I treated them so poorly they began planning their own suicide and hurting themself. Of course the worst part was when we broke up and I told everyone that actually she did stuff to me, causing her to lose a ton of friends with my lies. I hate to see her happy and want to control her forever. She now lives in constant fear that some day I will come back to hurt her at any moment.
Again the mix of emotions is just so strange for me. Like, yes, relief and horror, but also a twinge of sympathy? Like oh god I don’t ever want my actions to genuinely make someone feel this way. What if she’s right and I was abusive. But also, this does still feel very vague! And the facts that are there don’t add up! I’ve been in this constant state of questioning my own reality ever since maybe midway through the relationship. But certain things don’t even sound like me, like calling her names. That’s just not really part of how I express anger or engage in conflict. Also, the people who left her at the time we broke up weren’t influenced by me or anything I said much at all. It was totally the opposite, with those people helping me realize I need to leave her, and having their own grievances with her. There’s actually only 2 people I know were influenced by what I had to say about her. And that was right around a year ago. And they both had first spoken to her and weighed both of our stories against each other to choose who they believed. The stories collected above are what I told them.
Also her bit on suicide I just can’t get over. She never once legitimately attempted to self harm or take her life despite holding it as a threat over my head for years. Yes I know I said this earlier, it feels worth repeating. I actually did make an attempt on my life while dating her. One which landed me in a mental hospital.
I’m very much writing this for myself, as well as for the validation of being heard in a way that wont further stoke the flames. And a big part of writing this for myself is collecting all my thoughts and feelings and reminding myself that this really did happen. I tried to collect as much detail as I can because when I hear the arguments against me they can be convincing to even me. When she says she’s scared I’m going to come to hurt her, I remind myself that the last thing I ever said was that I didn’t want to speak to her anymore. When she says i made fun of her in front of friends, well, I cant think of a single instance where we even argued about that. When they say I treated them like a dumbass, I think of the time they accused me of calling them stupid despite me not having said that and minding my own business. I think about how I went out of my way to support them and their music. Sometimes my self doubt keeps me up at night. Harming someone in the ways she says I did is something I could probably never forgive myself for. It doesn’t fit how I perceive myself and it certainly doesn’t fit the dynamic I have with my current partner.
Something deeply scary to me though, is that my career in music may be permanently damaged because of what she’s done. She already has a decently large audience and a lot of industry connections. I for a while have lived in pretty constant paranoia of who might have heard something. And that’s not unwarranted: Last summer I matched with a random person on tinder. I thought we hit it off well and we chatted for a while before it came up that this person had heard shit about me as well.
I’m left in a spot where I just feel defeated and broken. I’ve been seeking therapy, especially after a particularly nasty suicide attempt. I have dissociative episodes and a lot of times everything feels unreal. I struggle to actually have sex a lot of times but am blessed with a partner who is deeply understanding and supportive. So in that way things are looking up. I’m starting to take my life back but this has just taken a serious toll on me and I know there’s nothing I can do about it. If I try to fight back and say she’s lying then I’m stoking the flames and attracting more hatred towards myself. The best action to take is none at all. And just hope that people may be willing to get to know me enough to see that I’m not the person I’ve been painted as.
I hope this post never gets back to her tbh. I don’t think it would be possible to identify her off of this info unless you were her or incredibly close to her. I just want the whole mess to disappear and it kills me that that will never happen.
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2020.07.26 01:37 megameganium1 With masturbation strangers random online

I have a lot of shit I wanna get out. Idk if it’s gonna all be in order, it might just be as I remember it.
We met in 2014 in our first semesters of college and like stupid 18yr old kids started dating even though there wasn’t much chemistry. She was a musician and made a few ‘fandom’ oriented songs that went viral in like 2012 and had millions of views on youtube and honestly? I was impressed at her gaining such a following. I figured that must mean something and theres no use in being judgemental right? I was just happy to have met another musician.
One of our first ever arguments was a month or two in when I told her I needed some extra time working on schoolwork. I was behind and needed some time alone. This led to a huge meltdown where she cried and screamed for the rest of the night, and eventually out of sympathy and to make sure she was ok, I ended up spending the rest of the night for her.
This set a clear precedent and was a pattern that repeated for years. I wasn’t allowed to have time to myself. I wasn’t allowed to spend time with my friends unless she was invited too. And if she was invited she would later cry about how she thinks they all hate her. I began spending less time with other friends because of all the stress involved. But I would still insist on meeting up with them for some online games and would put up with the fight I knew would come from it, cause I love those friends and they’ve been part of my life since I was 10.
She was always scared of the fact that I was bisexual, she was scared I would leave her for a man. She was always under the impression I had cheated or was cheating on her. A year or so into the relationship a close friend sent me a heartfelt message about how he missed me. I cried, and that’s incredibly rare for me. She was angry with me, she became upset and cried as well, cause “you love him more than me, you’re gonna leave me for him” yeah I love him, but like my brother. He literally calls me sis now. We grew up together. And I almost lost him cause of her jealousy.
She actually became so convinced I was cheating on her that when she got what turned out to be a yeast infection she didn’t get it checked out for a year cause - in her words - she would find out it’s and STD, then know that I cheated on her, and would have to break up with me. She didn’t say anything until months into knowing she had something. My poor tongue.
The worst incident of her jealously was when I confided in her that I was groomed and sexually assaulted by someone much older when I was in my teens. This person I actually pressed charges against last year and he is now a registered sex offender. My family wanted him to go to jail but I’m glad he didn’t cause he had some health complications and probably would have died in prison. As long as he cant hurt any more kids I’m fine. But back to the girl I was dating. I honestly think she damaged me more than he ever could.
When I told her I was assaulted as a teen, she became jealous and started crying. She was the only person I had ever told and I asked her to keep it that way. I was scared of what would happen if that info got out, or got back to him or my family. I wasn’t ready for my life to be uprooted like that. Her response of jealousy scared me though, especially when she found out I had been around him one day while we were dating. This ramped up her idea that I had cheated on her to new levels. Now she had “proof” and the proof was that I was raped as a teenager and later had ran into my rapist. No concern as to how that might have been a damaging experience for me, just fear that I had slept with someone else while she was dating me. Again, I had not. Seeing him again was upsetting, I had no desire to fuck him.
Then she went and told her family about what happened a few months later. Again, because she was scared I had cheated and was scared I gave her an STD. Now all of a sudden her parents had opinions and input on me being raped, despite my own family still not knowing. It was terrifying and I was angry. I still feel so betrayed. I almost broke up with her then and there but she cried and begged, and I was worried she might hurt herself so I didn’t. But I was clear I needed some space, and needed some boundaries. I kept telling her I needed a few days to myself. But for the entire following week, she began calling nonstop every day just to cry about how bad she felt and beg for my sympathy, and was beginning to turn it around on me. All of a sudden I was consoling her for being sad that she hurt me? It felt confusing and wrong but I had no time to even breathe or process. I was being nonstop inundated with this huge emotional reaction to something that had actually hurt me, not her. This, again, was part of a larger trend. If I was hurt by something she said or did, she would cry about how bad she felt and threaten to harm herself and then suddenly I was consoling her for hurting me.
The self harm threat was a quiet undercurrent in a lot of interactions. Language like “I don’t know what I might do” came up frequently. One of the few times the implications became direct threats was when she had a meltdown saying I hadn’t texted her back all day and was ignoring her. I responded with a screenshot of the lengthy text chats we had that day, where I had responded to everything she said and also told her I was out with some friends. I called her on her obvious lie and pointed out the problem she really had was that I was with friends. That moment the threat became direct. She crossed the line of actually threatening to hurt herself. And she got her way. I stepped away from my friends for hours to get her to calm down.
I need a break from writing this.
Ok a few more instances of meltdowns that are mostly connected to what I already talked about:
One time I ordered onions on my burrito at chipotle. She doesn’t like the smell of onions. She spent the rest of the night screaming and crying how could I do that to her when I know she doesn’t like onions. I swear to god. I still don’t understand this one it felt so childish.
I took her to easter dinner with my family. She started crying about the food they served her (she was notoriously picky so we made and set aside plain buttered noodles for her) and she wouldnt touch it for some reason so I had to drive her out to mcdonalds, embarrassed in front of my family. My mom called a few days later to raise some concerns about how she acted at easter dinner. She overheard and, when I got off the phone, started screaming “She’s fucking insane I hate her!” At the top of her lungs, loud enough I was worried the police would be called. (There was one instance of this where police were called but I’ll get to that!)
[this section was inserted later and idk where best to put it cause it touches on a very weird thing that happened a handful of times] One time I was working in my uni’s music studio on some of my own music, probably for a homework assignment, and she decided to show up. She began giving advice and direction and such for the song I was working on. I decided not to go with some of her Ideas as I didn’t feel like it fit the direction I was going with the song. I was honestly kinda deep in my workflow and wasn’t expecting her to assert her ideas over my music anyway and mostly kept my course. She was upset that I didn’t take her recommendations and got incredibly upset very quickly and was suddenly screaming. The bizzare part was she went from “you just think I’m stupid” to “how dare you call me stupid” without any actual input from me. She was angry and yelling at me for saying something that not only did I not say, I didn’t even imply. When I was confused as to why she was angry at me for saying something that never left my mouth she accused me of gaslighting her. This was scary for me cause like, yeah it did look like I was gaslighting her. She was angry at me for insulting her and I was telling her no I never said that? I had to assume I must have implied it through my actions, but the more I replayed the scenario in my mind the more it just didn’t add up. This happened several other times but I can’t remember what they were. I just know being confused that she was mad at me for words that never left my mouth. As usual, the above example in the studio ended in a full-night meltdown and detailed threats of self harm.
She was into theater, and one production she was in ended on a particularly transphobic joke. I didn’t want to raise too much a stink about it cause I was friends with a few other people in the production too, but i was generally pretty upset about it and wanted to just go back to my room and sleep it off. Then, like a punch in the gut, I got hit with “why aren’t you excited for me? I’ve been working towards this all year you’re supposed to be happy for me.” I genuinely tried sticking to my guns here that I wanted to be alone for the night, and I wasn’t even mad at her! But she followed me all the way home and continued to argue and wouldn’t even listen to the fact that I was upset by the production, it hit a little too close to home, and I wanted some time to myself. Her achievement was supposed to take precedent. Of course, I became scared she might hurt herself when she started screaming some rather gory details about wanting to be stabbed. She spent the night in my room.
Early on in the relationship I made a comment on how I’d never be comfortable getting married, I just don’t see it in my future. (In hindsight, I just didn’t want to be a husband and saw marriage as traditional gender roles and wasn’t out as trans yet lmao) months later, she called me out of the blue and brought it up, then had a panic attack, screaming about how her life would be ruined if she never got to get married and I must not even love her if I don’t see myself getting married to her in the future. I tried pushing back saying it’s way too early to be talking about this in our relationship, we’re only a few months in. I was also trying to rush her off the phone cause I had a work shift starting soon. I wanted to revisit the topic later after work and finish discussing it. She decided no, this had to be discussed right now, and started threatening self harm again if I left. I spent the next 45 minutes trying to talk her down from that and calm her down. I was legitimately scared she might hurt herself and this was early enough in the relationship that I didn’t realize it was just a strategy of hers yet. I was 30 minutes late to work and immediately fired.
Funny thing about her constant threat of self harm and suicide, I don’t think she ever actually made any attempt to harm herself. At least nothing I was ever aware of. It was just a threat. I, on the other hand, did actually end up in the mental hospital for genuinely attempting on my own life while dating her. I wouldn’t blame her for that though, I’ve always had my own struggles.
This type of extreme reaction and threat of self harm extended to the bedroom as well. I don’t know whether to call this sexual assault or not. It feels like a sort of gray area where in some ways my consent was violated and compromised but not entirely. Basically I couldn’t say no. She usually pressured me into sex even if I wasn’t in the mood. And early on the consequences of saying no became clear. I couldn’t get it up one time, (because I wasn’t in the mood but she was begging for sex so I decided to try and put out) and this led to her red faced screaming and hitting things. Kinda funny in hindsight to think of a small 5ft woman turn beet red and start screaming like an infant while punching things around her. Terrifying at the time.
Actually this story in particular gets to something that fucks me up about these memories. Point A doesn’t sensibly lead to point B. It feels like I’m leaving something out. Like maybe I forgot something. Or that I left something out to make myself look better. No one starts screaming and crying cause their partner can’t get it up that doesn’t make any sense. But that’s really what happened. I can’t make any deeper sense of it, I’ve tried and am trying. This sort of thing has led to this general feeling of unreality when it comes to my own memories of this relationship. But this is genuinely how I remember these events. On the one hand I hope it’s accurate because it makes it clear why I feel so damaged, but on the other hand I hope there’s details I missed that if I remembered would show me that it was all a big misunderstanding and I’m worked up over nothing. I feel like a conspiracy theorist trying to piece together my own memories.
Ok but this definitely affected how we had sex for the rest of the relationship. Alongside the fear of cheating and fear of a nonexistent STD. Sex was complicated. Under such constant threat of meltdowns and threats of self harm, I never truly felt like I could say no. And even then sometimes things could go wrong. Honestly it was pretty scary. I dreaded having sex with her for the most part, but also wasn’t allowed to masturbate (if she wasn’t my only sexual outlet, that was basically cheating. Porn? Cheating. Erotica? Cheating. Masturbation at all? You’re thinking of other people, probably men. Cheating.) so there were moments where I might initiate but those were honestly rather rare. Something really strange would happen: she would begin to have an anxiety attack while we were having sex. She would panic and sometimes start crying. Therefore I would want to stop, right? Now I’m worried for her and whats going on, and tbh no longer sexually turned on. Wrong answer. If I pulled out it was an instant meltdown. Usually a huge one with her screaming loud enough to have me again worried about someone calling the cops. Ok so option B: she’s telling me to keep going even though she’s having a panic attack, so I guess I’ll keep going cause the alternative is super scary? Also wrong answer. Fuck my heart is pounding writing this rn I gotta take another break
I promise thats not for dramatic effect, I’ve been periodically working on this for most of today and want to keep my place and catalog my thoughts as they come.
If I kept having sex with her, while she was having a panic attack, while I was afraid of things going horribly south if I stopped, she would then cry and say she felt violated. I can’t blame her there, I’d feel violated too if I had a dick inside me while I was panicking and crying. But, fuck, I felt violated too for being under threat if I stopped! I don’t even know what to make of this situation. I feel like I sexually violated someone but was at the same time sexually violated. How the fuck does that even work. I feel like a horrible person but I dont feel like I had any other choice. I made the selfish choice by focusing on self preservation? I wanted to stop but I was scared of the repercussions if I did. What the fuck am I even saying. This shit haunts me like nothing else, it’s hard to be coherent on it. I want to talk about it more cause I feel like theres more to this but I can’t. I’ll save that for therapy I guess.
This wasn’t one instance of fucked up sex, this was a pattern and I tried different approaches and these were the only two outcomes. I dreaded having sex with her cause it was scary. I would find any excuse to get out of it and would pay attention to the times she would get horny so I could try and avoid her more when that was the case. Late into the relationship she hit me with “we never have sex anymore, I wish we would do it more frequently.” I was upset because we had 2-3 times that week and that still wasn’t enough for her. And I couldn’t just admit to being afraid of her.
I still to this day struggle with my relationship with sex. After I broke up with her I had a bad stint of risky sex with strangers who usually treated me pretty poorly and now sometimes struggle to have sex with my current partner.
There was one conversation I had with her about a month before we broke up where she realized that for much of the early part of our relationship she had violated my consent in bed. We were having a conversation about our sex drives, it came up how I have a much lower drive than her. I made a comment about how it can be hard for me to engage sometimes when I’m really not in the mood. I didn’t fully process what I was saying. It hit her, and she asked me if I felt like she had pressured me into sex a lot. I proceeded to give a non-answer to avoid having to seriously consider the implications of that, and tried to reassure her it was ok. She cried.
Ok onto the next bit cause the sex stuff is the hardest to talk about. How about how things ended?
We had moved colleges together because we both decided we wanted to pursue music composition. We fell into a friend group and that was dangerous for her, cause now I was talking to other people that weren’t her, and that was an already established problem. One friend in particular I ended up speaking to about what was going on in the relationship. The friend essentially suggested I try and confront her on some of these issues, but from a distance instead of face to face. That would mean I’d be able to better stand my ground and have this friend by my side. They ended up helping me through a lot in this relationship, and would point out how certain things she would say were manipulative and how fucked up it was. Ultimately the scene this led to was me texting her and trying to enforce that I need space, and insisting that I be given some more time to myself and that she respects that, with her responding that this meant I don’t love her anymore and if I dont tell her I love her right now she’s going to hurt herself. This was another big point that keeps me up at night. I feel like I gambled with her life and I hate myself for it. But I called her bluff and told her I’m not going to say that under threat. According to her and according to people that lived near her, she started screaming so loud and constantly that people called the police and they came knocking on her door. God I’m glad I wasn’t in that room at the time.
Somehow though this was the first time I was able to grasp a solid footing, and felt like I had some sway in the relationship. I pushed hard for some space, thinking that would solve things. Maybe if she just wasn’t so overly attached to me these problems would stop, I thought. So for the ensuing summer I tried to set a limit on how often we interacted. I wanted to only call once per week for maybe a couple hours and mostly take a break. My idea was that we could reset. I tried talking to her about some strategies we could go into the next semester with to make things a little healthier, some proper boundaries. She seemed open to this at first and seemed to actually be finally listening. But maybe just cause she realized the only alternative was losing me.
Over that summer though, she started creeping her way past those boundaries as I let my guard down. All of a sudden by the end of it we were talking almost every day again. When we got back into the semester and were surrounded by that group of friends again, I think she fully knew what a danger they were to her and started working on them as well. She began isolating each member of the friend group, telling them lies about what another person in the group said or felt, and trying to turn everyone against each other. She would find things that others did wrong or something stupid they said and try and stir up controversy, get others to hate that person. It wasn’t calculated enough though, cause eventually we caught on and came clean with each other. This was the first time it wasn’t only happening to me, so all of a sudden her manipulation felt so much more real. It cast doubt onto every facet of the relationship for me, cause I was finally realizing how deeply she lies. That whole friend group accompanied me to her apartment, and we all laid out how we were individually feeling and how her behavior was extremely damaging. The idea was not to call her out as much as to show her how she’s hurt people so she has the chance to change that in the future. I told her I was breaking up with her and that I don’t want to speak for a while, but I don’t hate her and I will still come to her performances to support her.
I meant it too. I didn’t want to see her as abusive. The narrative up to this point was that her controlling behavior was a product of her anxiety disorder, and I encouraged her to seek therapy to help manage her anxiety attacks. Her anxiety was something that came up often, usually to shut me down when I tried to point out how some of the above stories felt wrong to me. Wrong as in this shouldn’t be how people act or treat each other. Any time I might take offense to her insisting I was cheating when I clearly wasn’t, or be upset that she outed me as a rape victim to her family, she would claim I wasn’t being understanding enough of her mental illness. This was set up from the very beginning. It was clear she had severe anxiety and I wanted to be as accommodating to that as possible. I honestly had a special talent for calming her down and pulling her out of a panic. It’s something I still do with my current partner as well, I like to be there for people emotionally. There’s nothing wrong with having anxiety. But her panic attacks always seemed to involve yelling at me or being suspicious of me even when whatever may have triggered an attack had nothing to do with me. I started getting scared of her panic attacks cause it always involved me suffering and having to take care of her. I became the only person who could pull her out of one too. This paragraph feels like my most meandering so far. I don’t really have properly collected thoughts here and it’s really tough because with a lot of the language to talk about this the waters have been muddied. I’ve always felt this tension within my own beliefs and values of understanding, emotional sensitivity, and awareness and advocacy for mental health. I know very intimately that there are some ugly, scary, difficult to understand elements of mental illness and that people who struggle with that still deserve love and understanding. Why shouldn’t I be understanding of her? Why do I feel so drained? And used?
Whatever. So I managed to finally end it when I realized how awful she was. I didn’t want to hate her, and told her I would still support her and go to her shows. Well, several weeks after breaking up with her I fell into a rather unstable place and began having some risky hookups. I knew it was unhealthy behavior, and had a brief convo about it with another friend over Facebook, in a private group meant for venting and such. My comment wasn’t at all bragging, it was more about how I felt that meaningless sex was damaging to me at the time. Suddenly my ex starts messaging me. I actually still have this full conversation screenshotted, I’m considering posting that up. It didn’t go so well. She was angry about seeing my comment. “I cannot believe you would talk about your brand new sex life right where I can see it barely a month after we broke up!” I had honestly not known she was still in this group and honestly this felt like some teen drama bullshit. Maybe she had some right to be upset about it, but I just blew up. I was in such a shitty place and having risky sex as a form of self harm, feeling fucked up and confused by what she had done to me sexually, and she decided to give me shit for the most non-revealing comment on that. I was angry, and laid into her with every shitty thing she’s ever pulled on me and calling her out on her manipulative and abusive behavior. I ended it by telling her she doesn’t own me and to never speak to me again.
Funny side note, I’ve been drafting this up for almost 2 weeks now, intermittently adding sentences as I have the spoons to do it. It’s become a nice catalog for me to capture as much of what I remember and reinforce to myself that these events really did happen, even when it feels like they happened to someone else entirely, like an alternate reality version of myself.
Anyway, that final conversation with her was an important turning point. I recieved an email from my school maybe a month later stating she had filed a “no-contact order” against me. This barred any direct or indirect contact, with potential repercussions if violated. At the time my university let students file these whenever without needing to show any proof of continued unwanted contact. It was a known tactic in the school for shutting down anyone who might speak ill of you. Yeah, funny thing about “indirect contact” is that it effectively means you are not at all allowed to speak about this person to others, because what you say could potentially get back to the party who filed the no-contact. It felt almost obvious to me this was her goal. My last words to her were basically Never speak to me again. Well, more exactly, “I don’t want to talk for a while. I think you should ask someone else to do your album.” (Yeah I was gonna produce her record. Dodged a bullet there, she was a nightmare in the studio. Oh damn I should have written about that in the other sections) but basically it felt pretty clear I had no intention of contacting her and had actually blocked her on social media. So it could only really be because she was worried about what I might tell others about her.
I, in my infinite stupidity, thought oh well at least I’ll still go to her shows like I said I would. Especially since she’s playing at a small festival that many of my other friends are also playing. After seeing me in the crowd while performing, (like 10 people max, hardly a crowd but hey I’ve played smaller shows, not gonna judge, anyway the point is I was more visible than I expected or hoped) she had a full meltdown on stage. She began sobbing and shouting telling me to leave. Of course I left. I was shocked that it was that strong of a reaction, as well as embarrassed. I certainly never came to a show of hers again.
I genuinely don’t want to hate people, it’s something I try to practice. Even though I don’t want to speak to her anymore and she’s hurt me immensely, people are capable of change. They deserve to be supported in bettering their life in hopes that they don’t hurt people in the future.
I assumed she was simply upset, but I also started to put the pieces together as to what was happening. There wasn’t much I could to to stop it though. Most of my extended social network were musicians, so we all frequently held DIY shows in people’s apartments and different rooms and halls in academic buildings. I started to get kicked out of many of these. Not because she was performing, she was not. She had simply shown up, saw me, and started screaming and crying, trying to run and hide. People running shows, especially DIY, didn’t want any drama and it quickly looked like I was the aggressor so I would be kicked out before the show even started. Often times I had no clue she was even there if the crowd was large enough. I just had someone come over to me and request that I leave so there’s not any trouble.
So I was quickly locked out of a major point of interaction with my colleagues. I know a DIY show sounds like not something to get too worked up about, but to us it was building our careers and connections. It was a key way to show support. And any time I wanted to go to one I had to worry about getting kicked out for no reason.
Then friends started dropping me. I received some nasty messages from one person, but a lot of people just effectively ghosted me. If they saw me walking by they would quietly avert their eyes and rush away. My ex however if she saw me pass by (we had classes in the same building, it was fairly frequent) she was loudly start sobbing and run in the opposite direction, like she was terrified I would attack her. And I think that was an intentional implication. I started hearing rumors about me that I was stalking her and that I had hit her. I heard this from someone I thought I was still friends with and went to sit down with in the cafeteria. They told me they had no interest in being friends anymore. (Note, we had hooked up a couple times and I was pretty into them, this hit hard) I wouldn’t believe she would actually straight up lie like that so my idea was that it must be my uni’s typically overactive rumor mill combined with her intense public reaction to seeing me at all. She was terrified of me, I felt like a monster but had no idea why.
There are more elements to what was apparently a full smear campaign but I’m getting tired of writing this so I’m gonna just try and rush through. Theres a ton of songs on spotify about how I’m some evil scary monster. People on facebook loved to share them for a while cause I couldn’t speak up on her without having a title 9 violation but she was still spreading dirt on me. One said I had no friends, which actually hurt cause she had taken so many away from me. At one point I did try to speak up a bit more and immediately got hit with a title 9 hearing. Thing is, the No Contact is supposed to work both ways, they cant have any indirect contact with me either. Months prior I had reported to the title 9 office that what she was spreading about me constitutes indirect contact. I thought the hearing was a follow up on that. Nope, it was them telling me I had to stop speaking about her at all to anyone. I was pretty pissed and gave the title 9 officer an earful about double standards. So she said she would follow up with me ex and tell her to stop spreading dirt on me as well, and that there would be no repercussions for any of us.
This was fairly close to me graduating if I remember correctly. It didn’t matter, the damage was already done. I was starting to rebuild and was lucky to find some people who didn’t believe I was a terrifying monster. Plus some people had taken the “I’m gonna stay out of this” approach which I can kinda respect but also is fucking annoying ya know? These were the people sharing her music she wrote about me on social media. After finally graduating I tried to set this straight. I put out word on social media that I wasn’t ok with any more overlap in our circles and couldn’t stand to constantly see her promotional material in my feed. I made it clear that I felt she had sexually violated me. This was after a couple months of going over sexual trauma with my therapist if I remember correctly, and it certainly felt like that’s what I had experienced. In some form. Its still confusing but I’m feeling more confident in saying that what she did was wrong. Some people that I knew who were still friends with her who had previously decided to stay out of it I ended up speaking to directly on the issue, and tried to give them as detailed an explanation as I could at the time. God it felt like I was ripping my own heart out trying to recount everything that happened to someone I was scared wouldn’t believe me. It turns out while she was saying things about me, she wasn’t giving anyone specific details really whatsoever. I’ve heard from several people now “well she was really vague about everything, I believed her cause her emotions seemed so genuinely emotional about it.”
Thats so strange to me. She didn’t say that I did anything aside from act abusive to her in the vaguest sense. She let the power of suggestion do the rest. She would rant to people about how awful I was but seems to never have given any details. For some reason this just drives me more crazy. I’ve spent years paranoid about what is being said about me, wondering why no one would tell me directly. I was cursed with people vehemently hating me without ever quite knowing why, aside from them having some form of contact with my ex. What could she be possibly be saying that could turn people on me like this? Well according to the few people who have had that discussion with her and were previously wary of me before giving me a shot, not much.
Well, I caught wind of a twitter post she had made publicly to her followers a few weeks ago from writing this. Her “coming out about her story of abuse.” It’s the most detail I’ve seen yet and directly from her mouth. It’s such a bizarre feeling: relief, of finally knowing what’s said about me. Horror, that this is being blasted out to a crowd of people.
Well, heres what was said about me: I psychologically abused and gaslit them for 4 years. I made fun of them in front of friends, called them awful names, and treated them like a dumb bitch. Whenever they told me I was hurting them I turned it around on them and told them they were abusive for standing up for their own dignity. I treated them so poorly they began planning their own suicide and hurting themself. Of course the worst part was when we broke up and I told everyone that actually she did stuff to me, causing her to lose a ton of friends with my lies. I hate to see her happy and want to control her forever. She now lives in constant fear that some day I will come back to hurt her at any moment.
Again the mix of emotions is just so strange for me. Like, yes, relief and horror, but also a twinge of sympathy? Like oh god I don’t ever want my actions to genuinely make someone feel this way. What if she’s right and I was abusive. But also, this does still feel very vague! And the facts that are there don’t add up! I’ve been in this constant state of questioning my own reality ever since maybe midway through the relationship. But certain things don’t even sound like me, like calling her names. That’s just not really part of how I express anger or engage in conflict. Also, the people who left her at the time we broke up weren’t influenced by me or anything I said much at all. It was totally the opposite, with those people helping me realize I need to leave her, and having their own grievances with her. There’s actually only 2 people I know were influenced by what I had to say about her. And that was right around a year ago. And they both had first spoken to her and weighed both of our stories against each other to choose who they believed. The stories collected above are what I told them.
Also her bit on suicide I just can’t get over. She never once legitimately attempted to self harm or take her life despite holding it as a threat over my head for years. Yes I know I said this earlier, it feels worth repeating. I actually did make an attempt on my life while dating her. One which landed me in a mental hospital.
I’m very much writing this for myself, as well as for the validation of being heard in a way that wont further stoke the flames. And a big part of writing this for myself is collecting all my thoughts and feelings and reminding myself that this really did happen. I tried to collect as much detail as I can because when I hear the arguments against me they can be convincing to even me. When she says she’s scared I’m going to come to hurt her, I remind myself that the last thing I ever said was that I didn’t want to speak to her anymore. When she says i made fun of her in front of friends, well, I cant think of a single instance where we even argued about that. When they say I treated them like a dumbass, I think of the time they accused me of calling them stupid despite me not having said that and minding my own business. I think about how I went out of my way to support them and their music. Sometimes my self doubt keeps me up at night. Harming someone in the ways she says I did is something I could probably never forgive myself for. It doesn’t fit how I perceive myself and it certainly doesn’t fit the dynamic I have with my current partner.
Something deeply scary to me though, is that my career in music may be permanently damaged because of what she’s done. She already has a decently large audience and a lot of industry connections. I for a while have lived in pretty constant paranoia of who might have heard something. And that’s not unwarranted: Last summer I matched with a random person on tinder. I thought we hit it off well and we chatted for a while before it came up that this person had heard shit about me as well.
I’m left in a spot where I just feel defeated and broken. I’ve been seeking therapy, especially after a particularly nasty suicide attempt. I have dissociative episodes and a lot of times everything feels unreal. I struggle to actually have sex a lot of times but am blessed with a partner who is deeply understanding and supportive. So in that way things are looking up. I’m starting to take my life back but this has just taken a serious toll on me and I know there’s nothing I can do about it. If I try to fight back and say she’s lying then I’m stoking the flames and attracting more hatred towards myself. The best action to take is none at all. And just hope that people may be willing to get to know me enough to see that I’m not the person I’ve been painted as.
I hope this post never gets back to her tbh. I don’t think it would be possible to identify her off of this info unless you were her or incredibly close to her. I just want the whole mess to disappear and it kills me that that will never happen.
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2020.07.19 21:38 metasciences1234 Online masturbation with random strangers

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2020.06.27 09:28 ThrowRAneeded Online masturbation random strangers with

I'm at a bit of a loss here. I found out that my wife is recently messaging with an online friend of hers that she used to chat (and sometimes sext, I think?) in her teen years. I read their chat log, I know it's not right but what am I to do, don't judge, and from what I've seen they again exchanged explicit pics. He has seen everything of her by now. The thing is, I kind of liked it when she fooled around with strangers online when we got together, but she stopped it soon after. I checked every once in a while if she was up to it again but she always said no. What really grinds my gear now is that they are too intimate. I really wouldn't mind so much if a random stranger would see her naked / sext with her, cum and then never see or hear from her again, but not him. When they are not sexting she's talking to him about everything, including me, which just feels wrong to me.
I know our sex life isn't what it used to be but I think if she just talked to me we could spice it up quite a bit. And I know that I'm not really dominant and that's what gets her going, but I kinda can't do anything about it. Trying to be more dominant in bed always feels wrong and I think it's not as fun for her, as she knows I'm not really dominant. He, on the other side, is, and I read messages where he tells her how to masturbate amongst other things.
I kind of don't know what to do now. I read in the log that she thought about telling me and that I actually wouldn't be so much against what she's doing, which is kinda right. I might still have a problem with him, but at least there would be honesty between us. So I don't know if I should just wait a bit more to give her a chance to tell me, or if I should talk to her about it and let her know I spied on her. I think the latter would have much more long term impact and/or trust issues in our relationship, on both sides. But I also think my mood is getting worse the more I think about it, because, as hot as I would find it if she told me (and maybe with another guy), I more and more get the feeling I am being cheated on.
Idk if it's relevant but he's married now too, and I don't think they'll get or fall in love with each other or something like that.
Every advice is appreciated!
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2020.06.26 23:17 ThrowRAneeded Wife (25) chatting and sexting with online friend of her teen years

Hi all,
I'm at a bit of a loss here. I found out that my wife is recently messaging with an online friend of hers that she used to chat (and sometimes sext, I think?) in her teen years. I read their chat log, I know it's not right but what am I to do, don't judge, and from what I've seen they again exchanged explicit pics. He has seen everything of her by now. The thing is, I kind of liked it when she fooled around with strangers online when we got together, but she stopped it soon after. I checked every once in a while if she was up to it again but she always said no. What really grinds my gear now is that they are too intimate. I really wouldn't mind so much if a random stranger would see her naked / sext with her, cum and then never see or hear from her again, but not him. When they are not sexting she's talking to him about everything, including me, which just feels wrong to me.
I know our sex life isn't what it used to be but I think if she just talked to me we could spice it up quite a bit. And I know that I'm not really dominant and that's what gets her going, but I kinda can't do anything about it. Trying to be more dominant in bed always feels wrong and I think it's not as fun for her, as she knows I'm not really dominant. He, on the other side, is, and I read messages where he tells her how to masturbate amongst other things.
I kind of don't know what to do now. I read in the log that she thought about telling me and that I actually wouldn't be so much against what she's doing, which is kinda right. I might still have a problem with him, but at least there would be honesty between us. So I don't know if I should just wait a bit more to give her a chance to tell me, or if I should talk to her about it and let her know I spied on her. I think the latter would have much more long term impact and/or trust issues in our relationship, on both sides. But I also think my mood is getting worse the more I think about it, because, as hot as I would find it if she told me (and maybe with another guy), I more and more get the feeling I am being cheated on.
Every advice is appreciated!
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2020.06.10 18:15 TinyTurtle98 Online masturbation with random strangers

I have been with my boyfriend for almost six years now and I always felt like we had everything you could wish for in a relationship. We could always talk to each other about anything, laugh about each other's stupid jokes, challenge each other, wake each other up in the middle of the night to watch a boxing match or get an achievement in an online game... and although we didn't agree about everything we never fought, but always tried to solve our problems together as a team. Our sex was fantastic as well, since we are both adventurous, talk about what we like and are fit and attractive. I seriously never suspected there were any serious problems in our relationship. I was truly, genuinely happy.
However, a few days ago my boyfriend's brother asked me via Whatsapp what our Netflix password was. We share a Netflix account with him and he got a new device and forgot about the password. I couldn't remember it either, but I knew my boyfriend kept a screenshot of it on his phone. It's very rare that my boyfriend leaves his phone lying around. He is usually always on it, going through stock or tec news or scrolling on Instagram. This time however, he was helping his father in the garden and left his phone lying in the kitchen.
We never prohibited each other from touching each other's phones. He would sometimes use my phone or computer and he knows all my passwords. So, I didn't think of anything, when I grabbed his phone to look for the password to send it to his brother.
However, when I opened the pictures folder on his phone, I was shocked. There were several screenshots of female friends and girls I didn't know, some edited, most of them focusing on their cleavage or somewhat sexy shots, some of them simply showed pretty girls smiling in cute clothing. These screenshots went back to the first year we got together.
I don't know how not to feel upset about this. Of course, I know that guys will still consider other attractive girls attractive despite having a girlfriend. I know he loves porn and watches it several times daily (which is something he kept from me until recently as well). I also know that masturbating to a picture is better than cheating, but still... It feels so disrespectful and hurting, especially since he usually doens't even like videos and posts he is excited about. When it comes to things like this, he tends to be very lazy. It felt like he invested so much energy into this in comparison. This really makes me feel like I am not enough for him and that being with me makes no difference for him, when it comes to his sexuality and looking for other girls.
I had already noticed that he liked mainly pictures of hot girls or sexy pictures of our female friends and his ex girlfriends on Instagram. Whenever I would find him browsing on Instagram there woud be pictures of fitness models and the likes of it. In the past I had asked him whether he could stop liking only sexy pictures of girls we knew, because from personal experience I know that women notice such behavior and I didn't want to meet these acquaintances with them looking at me like "We both know your boyfriend would like to **** me." He had promised me to stop doing so, which I was very thankful for. After seeing the pictures on his phone however - and I admit this was wrong and I shouldn't have done it - I looked through his browser history and found a link to a website on which you can download Instagram posts anonymously. He had been on that website on the exact day on which he had promised me to longer like these pictures. Why? Is it really that important for him? He could always look at these girls online, even without liking the pictures.. And why on earth didn't he have the decency at least not to do it with pictures of friends and ex girlfriends??
At this point I was feeling like something inside me died. Since I met my boyfriend I had never once thought about other men as a potential partner. I love him so much - I would die for him if necessary... But he wouldn't even keep his computer free of pictures of other women.
I talked to him about it and at first he got upset. When I asked him why he did it, he said "Because I felt like it". He insisted that he didn't do anything with these pictures and already forgot about them. They would mean nothing to him. Later he promised to delete the pictures on his phone and not to screenshot or download any again. He made me promise to never mention them again and he didn't want to answer any questions about them.
I am not angry at him. Why would I,,,however, this has really shaken my trust in him and our relationship in general. Is this behavior normal when you are in a relationship with an attractive and sexually pleasing young woman? I had a man stop a bus that was already driving again to jump out and tell me I was the most beautiful woman he ever met. I get compliments by random strangers on the street all the time - so I am definitely not unattractive. I work out several times a week and eat healty, so I have a very nice body. Moreover, I love sex and giving blowjobs and am ready to try out anything in bed. So, why...why in the world does all this seem to mean nothing to my boyfriend to the point that he not only masturbates to porn instead of having sex with me, but also needs to keep countless pictures of other girls? I am not trying to sound arrogant, I am just trying to give you a full impression of the situation, including all the factors that might lead to his behavior.
Sorry for the long-winded post, but what I am wondering is... Is his behavior normal or an actual cause for concern? Do I have to worry about these pictures or do they really mean nothing?
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2020.05.20 01:04 in_recovery12 My story of accepting my addiction

I’ve recently come to term with the fact that I think I’m an addict. I’m a 21 year old female and I’ve been overly sexual for as long as I can remember, my parents have told me stories of me being sent home from nursery for masturbating and stuff like that. As I got older I never really grew out of it, relying on it multiple times a day. I then found websites like Omegle and chat roulette where I could have random, anonymous sexual encounters with strangers. I convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal because there was no attachment and they don’t know who I am it’s simply me enjoying myself. It then moved on to downloading tinder when I was a bit older where I’d sext a lot of random guys and exchange nudes every day. I ended up getting into a relationship for just under two years and thought that I was fine. This relationship ended in me cheating due to my inability to resist urges. I then got into a relationship with that guy for two and half years and again thought I was fine, but then that ended three months ago for the same reason. I tried dating the new guy because I was so drawn to him sexually but it didn’t work out. Since then I’ve gone back to my old habits of sexting different guys every day. I think it’s due to me craving the false intimacy and closeness from random encounters without the actual connection that usually ends in me hurting the other person. Two nights ago I made the transition from online stuff and ended up sleeping with a stranger and I feel so shitty about it. I’m filled with regret and guilt but then there’s also the urge of wanting to message him to do it again to satisfy that need. I don’t want to need sex all the time anymore.
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2020.04.28 14:10 secretxorn Online masturbation with random strangers

Hello. I've been posting snippets of my life here and I decided to gather my thoughts and write them all together in hopes of finding help. I'm 16 year old gay male. I was a very clever kid when I was 4 I knew poems and could recite them no problem, I learned English all on my own without any help whatsoever (English is my second language). Now I'm an 11th grader and even tho I don't have any grade lower than 8 (1-10 grading system), except Russian (I have 6 there) I still don't know anything. I don't know basic math, basic geography, basic history I don't even have logic. I started having masturbation addiction when I was 10. Then I started running out of stuff to do it to, so I started sharing nudes with other guys and fantasising about my family members and role-playing with strangers online as if they were my family (I'm feeling guilty about even liking incest not to mention Roleplaying) in the beginning of this year I got a boyfriend and I realised how wrong the things I was doing were (liking incest Roleplaying and stuff) and discovered that I have OCD. I have a friend who I met through Reddit and he's helping me deal with it but things have been getting a lot worse. When people talk to me I can't understand what they're saying, I can't concentrate, when I do learn something I instantly forget it. My boyfriend is wicked smart and helps me learn math and he's doing an amazing job but next day I don't remember anything he taught me. I constantly feel like I'm dumber than everyone around me, I used to love getting into debates with my friends but now I can't even do that because I can't think straight AT ALL and thoughts won't come to me anymore. I'm dramatic, sensitive and childish as hell. I feel like I'm wasting my boyfriend's potential of being with someone better whose smart and not whatever I am. I've known English better than my dang language but recently I can't even spell words correctly, I misread absolutely everything, my memory is the worst, I think of something and immediately forget it the second time. I feel like a constant burden to my friends and boyfriend, I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more that I'm forgetting to write so I'll edit them in. I don't know why I'm posting it here, I guess I want a diagnosis or something, maybe to see if I'm the only one going through this or not. I'm tired of hating everything about myself.
EDIT: I randomly text my friends, like I just see them online and I text random stuff I don't know how to explain it. I just do dumb shit I don't think about at all out of nowhere and makes me feel like I'm crazy and the worst part is I can't even explain it so I can't find the solution.
EDIT2: also I used to love playing ,,family" with my cousin where I'd act like a baby and enjoyed it. And now I catch myself acting like a movie character or something. As a kid I used to have these tantrums where I'd always knock a chair over or act crazy like Joker (not the movie one I mean from animations) weirdly dance around and act as if I was crazy. Right now it concerns me and I feel like I'm crazy or something, and talking about it is hard too because I don't know how to describe it. And I'm very scared. I just want to have a normal life again where I wasn't concerned about being crazy
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