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2020.08.24 15:53 Bluebird-Ordinary Finally able to admit I've got a big problem

I’m a recovering porn addict. An addiction that started over 30 years ago (I shake my head in shame and cry when I wrote that) and ended just over a week ago. Because of the time spent with my addiction, I find it almost impossible to maintain an erection and orgasm without porn.
My addiction has cost me relationships, experiences and my mental and physical well being.
I’ve known that I’ve had a problem for decades but I wasn’t able to snap out of it or even admit that I needed to do something about it.
I’m a 44 year old separated father of two. I started very young, around aged 8, when I found porn magazines under my dad’s bed. I was an unhappy kid, struggling to cope with my parents divorce and the dopamine hit that came from seeing those images was a much welcomed hit of pleasure. Now when I think back, this was my way of escaping from reality, something that has followed me into adult life.
I’m a child of the technological revolution that has brought with it a revolution in the availability of porn. I went from magazines and VHS as a child / teenager to unlimited free porn with the rise of high speed internet and websites like pornhub available on any screen I had at my disposal.
My brain craved porn more than sex. I would consume porn at work on my phone while sitting on the toilet. I would watch porn after having sex because I still needed that hit. I’ve been on 8hr cocaine and viagra fuelled masturbation binges where I watch porn and edge for as long as possible or until my dick is too sore to touch. I’d like to say this has only happened once or twice but it happens pretty much every time I’m left alone with cocaine. I’m not me when that happens, it’s like I’m possessed, gorging myself on the dopamine that comes with watching all the videos, and after I get that huge orgasm i’ve been chasing I feel absolutely ashamed and spiral into a pit of guilt. But that hasn’t stopped me from doing it again and again.
The last time this happened was last Saturday, 15th August. I had taken some viagra but was unable to maintain an erection. Not even porn was doing it for me anymore. This, thankfully, was the turning point and, while it’s only been a week or so since it happened, I feel like something has changed in me. I don’t crave porn because I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be sexually active and have the touch of a woman or a sexy thought (from the real world) pop into my head and arouse me. It’s only been a week and I feel like I’ve got a bit more energy and my brain is firing on more cylinders than before. It’s encouraging and giving me an incentive to continue.
I’ve found really useful support online like your brain on porn. Understanding how the brain has wired itself to release high levels of dopamine when consuming porn, in the same way as any other addiction, has made me feel like it’s not my fault that I’m like this and so the guilt has been replaced with knowledge.
The other horrible thing about this addiction is the impact it has on other aspects to of my life. The desensitising of normal everyday experiences that should bring joy and the brain fog that has been a permanent haze in my mind for as long as I can remember led me to believe that this is my part of my personality, that this is just who I am. I know now that is isn’t permanent, that it can be removed, that there’s more to life. It feels like I’m slowly waking up. Reading stories from recovered addicts and those still on the path to recovery has been a huge part of me seeing the light and getting to this point. Thank you to everybody who has shared, it really does make a huge difference.
The way I see it, I’ve wasted well over 30 years of my life on this shit. I’ve hidden it from everybody even when I’ve had the opportunity to open up about it in a safe space. I’ve had enough! I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be able to have sex without the anxiety of worrying if i’ll be able to keep it up or will I be able to have an orgasm. I want to be in the moment instead of looking in from the outside. I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone else about this anymore.
So cutting out porn completely is the first step. I’ve cut out smoking weed too, another addiction that’s been clouding my brain and something i’ve used as a way to escape. No more porn stops things from getting worse but now I need to fix the damage that’s been done.
I need to let my brain rewire itself (thank fuck for brain elasticity) so that it associates real-world desire, touch and sex with that dopamine hit instead of pixels on a screen. My recovery needs time. The advice is no PMO for at least 90 days, possibly longer as I’ve had this addiction for so long, to give my brain time to unlearn the old habits and rewire itself. That sounds like a huge mountain to climb right now but I’m determined to do it.
The catalyst to me finally deciding to do something about this is a girl I really like. We started chatting on Tinder about a week ago and have been messaging each other everyday. She’s a really nice person, beautiful inside and out, really hot and we get along so well. We’ve been sending each other sexy texts and we started to cam a few days ago. Our cam sessions are super hot, she’s so sexy and I really like watching her but at the same time I know I shouldn’t be doing this as I know it’s not helping with my recovery but, like my addiction to porn, I didn’t want to admit that to myself or to her. We’ve had a few cam sessions now and last night she asked me why I don’t orgasm when we cam together. I could tell I was causing some insecurities and I really didn’t want to do that to her. I blamed it on not being used to doing things on camera, which is true, but despite being super turned on clearly the PIED/DE is the root cause here. I think because it’s on a screen that I’m able to get hard (plus the fact she’s super hot and ridiculously sexy) but i’m not 100% in the moment with her and I find that so frustrating, it’s such a difficult situation to overcome.
We agreed to see each other in a few days as we are so horny for each other but I could feel myself getting anxious about my PIED/DE. In the past, I would’ve reached for a viagra or something if we had sex but I don’t want to live that life, plus I can’t depend on a pill to do the job and I really don’t want to make her feel insecure if it didn’t work. I also don’t want to lie to her. I’ve done enough of that to last two lifetimes.
Today her I told her about my addiction, how it developed, how it’s affected me over the years...everything. She’s the only person I’ve told. I also told her what I need to do to recover and this is where I made a really bad decision.
I assumed she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Why would someone want to inherit the trials and tribulations of a recovering porn addict, especially with someone they’ve only know for one week?! I explained that I have to work on myself and that sex or even messing around on cam is not going to help my recovery. I didn’t say that I don’t want to see her again but it wouldn’t exactly be jumping to conclusions to take that away from what I had written.
She was really upset, firstly that I’d waited until after we had cam sex to tell her this and secondly that I’d assumed she was only interested in sex. I should’ve been totally open with her from the start about my addiction and my recovery but I didn’t want to deny myself and in doing so I used her. I’m not proud of myself for that and even less so for hurting her in the process. I’ve hurt too many people because of my addiction and I hated myself for doing it again, especially after I’d managed to get myself into place where I want to change. I hate that my addiction was still affecting my decisions and my ability to develop a connection with someone despite cutting out porn. I assumed sexy texts, photos, videos and cam sessions would be different as it was with a real person who I had a real connection with but that’s not the case.
After we chatted it through and I apologised for being such an idiot she said all I had to say was can we ease up on the sex and just talk instead. She asked me if I still wanted to talk to her and of course I said yes. I mean how kind, right! I was so caught up in my own shit that I didn’t even stop to think that someone else would care. The moral of this bit of the story is be honest, don’t assume people don’t want to help you with your recovery and don’t be so hard on yourself. There are genuinely nice people out there who want to help you.
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https://preview.redd.it/x34cm1f44gb51.jpg?width=225&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0782dc6f5fd08f0b7fb85519d631b673e6867551
submitted by 17Julenergetic to Home_Made_Fun [link] [comments]


2020.07.05 11:41 KrokodilenKaj Hidden camera tinder sex

When we met we clicked. You felt it, I felt it. You looked at me like I was your whole world and I never wanted to leave your side. We had our differences for the future, mine stemming from a place of worry. I never wanted kids or marriage. I'm not good with kids and have always felt awkward around them. You wanted all that. And after a while, I realised I wanted that with you, not in general. With YOU. I never wanted anything so badly like I wanted you and the future we had dreamt up together.
Your family was mine and mine yours. I still miss your family and knowing I won't be a part of that ever again breaks my heart. I had found where I fit in and you took it away without a real explanation.
We had our sexual issues when we met. You had your ED, and I had what I best can describe as trauma. Still having sex with you felt right. It was easy and I neither felt guilt, shame nor anxiety. Never did I in a million years think that it could feel so natural and right from the get-go.
We would watch movies, play cardgames, go watch theatres, cinemas and comedy shows, work out together and travel together. The winters were tough, mainly for you with your seasonal depression but secondly for me as you always shut me out. I only wanted to help you but you wouldn't let me in. I felt so helpless having to watch your mood drop.
Summer -19 was beautiful. I finally understood why you preferred summer, I never had so much fun. We talked about going to Rome, Athens, Iceland and New Zealand. Going camping, canoeing, climbing and just enjoying each other along the way.
I noticed the change this winter. You started shutting me out again. Worse than before. I developed FSD from the feeling of the growing distance between us along with the sexual pressure. I wanted to be intimate with you so badly but everything just hurt and I didn't know why. I felt awful every time I turned you down. You turned to your computer instead. Almost every weekend you booked yourself up fully leaving me home waiting for your return so that I could be close to you again. I should have told you about what I was experiencing but I didn't want to drive you further away or make you think I wasn't attracted to you. You started saying we have nothing in common when you were the one excluding me from the things we do have in common. You stopped inviting me to your hikes and camping trips, changed gym to one I couldn't afford and played the games without me. You sought out and created issues that didn't exist.
And how dare you pull the "you can't expect me to only be with you just because we're together", I NEVER stood in the way of you and your friends. I NEVER told you not to go. I NEVER even said anything when you cancelled our plans to be with them. I only swallowed my disappointment and thought "ok if that's what he wants then we can move up our plans to next weekend". You've been so damn unfair to me after you broke up.
You breaking up, right when we were back on track. When we had spoken about it all and that we would fight for us. When you had been considering it for HALF A YEAR, without even talking to me. When you spoke to your friend about our relationship without even mentioning a single worry to me. YOU SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN TO ME! IT CONCERNS ME! You blindsided me, acted like everything was ok. Planned our dream house with me, discussed the future and even kids and what their names would be. All the while planning on when and how to break up with me.
When you broke up you said you did it to "work on yourself" that you're "not ready to commit all the way yet" because you "feel like your issues are getting in the way of loving me the way you feel like I deserve" that you "still love me and that's why it's so hard". When expressed my worry about you finding someone else you said "it's not possible because the only person you can think of that way is me" and that you "don't want ONS or FWB, and even if you did your ED wouldn't allow" it because you "need to connect". GUESS FUCKING WHAT?! You were on tinder 4 days after our breakup. You even used to pictures I took of you. When I said "I love you" to make you smile genuinely for the camera. Wearing my sunglasses because I knew you wouldn't bring a pair. When I confronted you about it you said it was only light chats, talk to someone who doesn't know and won't treat you differently. A DISTRACTION.
You encouraged me to keep sending nudes, you even saved them, told me to post our videos and you invited me over for sex 2 weeks ago. We've met TWICE for sex. And you kept encouraging my nudes saying how attractive you found me. ALL THE WHILE YOU WERE HITTING UP ANOTHER GIRL AND FUCKING HER.
You've treated me like I'm not even worth the dirt under your shoes and when I expressed my concerns you said that you're offended I'd even think that, all the while IT WAS TRUE. My concerns were valid and correct. You made me feel like I was being PARANOID AND CRAZY and that I was out of line for even asking. I feel dirty and used.
You kept saying I need to do x, y and z. All to move on. I HAVEN'T HAD 6 MONTHS TO WORK THROUGH IT LIKE YOU DID! I HAD ONE! AFTER THINKING EVERYTHING WAS ALRIGHT AGAIN. The breakup I never saw coming. SO STOP TRYING TO DECIDE FOR ME WHAT TO DO. You don't respect me and you don't care about me. You made that clear.
I hate what you've done. I hate how you've been treating me the latest month. I hate how you went from loving me one second to all of a suddenly not giving a flying fuck about me. I hate that you moved on so damn quickly to another girl. Did our two years together mean nothing to you?
You told me you never wanna be with me again, that you don't love me anymore, that you don't even want to see my face again. All it took was to bury yourself in another girl.
I get that you needed space and that I had a hard time giving it to you. I am sorry for that. But I am not sorry for confronting you. If you had been honest you would've gotten the space. But not by telling lies thinking I wouldn't find out. That only leads to me asking questions. YOU handled this poorly. I explained that what I need to move on is every card on the table, no lies and no hidden agendas. You refused me that and still got pissed off that I had a hard time moving on all the while you were saying what you wanted to do to me.
I hate myself for still loving you. For knowing that I'd take you back in a heartbeat if you asked me to. I hate how angry and betrayed I feel. We need to talk, I need you to listen. To actually hear me. To say something back.
I hope you wake up one day missing me, regretting what you did and realise what you threw away. Realise how you treated me and apologise. I want you to feel the burning pain of loss like I do. I want you to want me back and actually feel remorse for how you've acted.
I feel horrible for feeling that way, for wishing that. Because even if you couldn't care less of what happened to me or how I am doing. I still care for you.
So Dear, not so dear, L. I love you. And I hate it. I feel worthless and I know I'll never hear an apology from you. I can't seem to remember a time when I've ever heard one from you. I had hopes that we would stay friends, that we would find our way back to each other one day. That we could still have the future we dreamt of. They're still there, and I absolutely hate it. SO SO MUCH. Because I don't know how to forgive you. Even if I want to be able to. You've crushed me.
Yours, K
submitted by KrokodilenKaj to UnsentLetters [link] [comments]


2020.02.09 18:06 Tet312 [PART 1] I fell in love with a girl with a lot of emotional traumas in a short amount of time and I paid the price for it, but I'd do it all over again given the chance. (This part is just about my life story, skip to part 2 to get the juice, but this is important too)

EDIT: OK LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A WORD LIMIT. WOW. Imma split up the post into 3 parts. I hope there are no problems with that. The first part is going to be my life story, the second part is going to be a little more of my life story and then I'm going to talk about the trauma girl.
EDIT: SIKE part 2 is also apparently too long, so I put the JUICE in part 3! all of it is important in my opinion though, so dont skimp out on me bruh.
[[[[PART 1]]]]]
Hi everyone. Its me, Tet, your new story teller for this post. I am new to this subreddit and on my way home I thought "where else but trueoffmychest to get something that's burning inside me off my chest?"
TL;DR: I'm making this to get shit off my chest, if there's a better subreddit, lead the way. I've gone through some shit that I wasn't open enough with her about. Just read the section where I talk about her. If you scroll through, I'll make it obvious where the beginning is.
This is gonna be a long one.
(Also, if you know me and I didnt send you this link. Just dont read it please)
As the title suggests, I dated a girl with severe traumas and severe ptsd / triggers / etc, I honestly dont know how else to describe her. But in all honesty I'm not going to sit here and shit on her. If I do, I'm sorry, there's a lot frustration right now going on in me because of how fresh this all is. So let me rephrase this, I'm going to TRY and not to shit on her, because while she is breaking my heart right now through her actions and words, I cant help but feel an unconditional compassion for her. She meant a lot to me and while maybe I didn't tell her that enough, I hope she knew somewhere in her that she was practically a godsend, a miracle to me despite how things moved so fast and how things ended. She came at the right time and in the right place, but we progressed the relationship with bad timing while we were both in a bad place.
She was there for me when I needed her and she helped me through some stuff that I never even got to really tell her about, so she will always have a place in my heart despite how she has hurt me. She just means a lot to me and I guess that's why I fell for her so fast.
Another thing, I am not the hero in this story, I'm not the victim, nor do I think I am the villain. The things I say are just how I feel and/or what happened exactly. I'm going to go in depth into who I am, what makes me, me and try to help you guys (if anyone is here) understand why I did the things I did and what kind of person it takes to do those things.
This is more so for me. This is trueoffmychest after all and I really need to get this stuff off my chest as I've never told anyone a lot of the following.
Lets start by talking about who I am. People online call me Tet. I am 19 years old and I guess some facts about me are that I am depressed and as my therapist and psychiatrist says, I have some traumas and it was my therapist's idea to share them with a community like this. I never saw them as traumas, much less "severe" up until I started med's and therapy to treat them. I guess up until that I was kind of in denial that it all affected me.
A lot of the reason i want to write this is because I feel like nobody really knows me. There are a lot of things that I've never told to a single soul other than to professionals because I guess it made me feel like less of a man to admit. That said, some things, were shared, but most weren't I guess.
I have some major problems. I think I am fucked up and I know I am just a fucked up person. I try to tell myself I am better because I am self aware, but I know I'm not. To sum it all up without spoiling why it is that I am the way that I am, I cant trust women all that well. I am utterly afraid of trusting women because time and time again I have been taken advantage of, manipulated, cheated on, molested, and over all just absolutely heartbroken by the women of my past.
===== About me =====
Growing up I never had any friends. I dont think I ever really talked to anybody until I was in the 6th grade, which I suppose is still during that "growing up" phase but you know what I mean. In elementary school I was heavily bullied for being annoying and talking too much and for being fat. I was pushed in the mud and beat up on multiple occasions. All which took place in my first home town that I lived in until I was 7 or something. I didn't do my research. We moved cause obviously the school didn't have the best kids in it. So by this time I think I developed some issues with talking. I became almost mute and I essentially just sat, hidden behind some bushes during recess in order to avoid the other kids. That didn't help with the bullying, as I was called a freak for not being able to really talk to anyone without stuttering or being too quiet and for hiding during recess of course.
I feel like I'm able to really pinpoint what exactly in my life brought me to where I am now with my mental health because they are just so vivid in my memory now. I never developed the ability to forget my traumas like other lucky people lmao. I ended up developing body dysmorphic disorder and stopped eating properly. I wouldn't say I had an eating disorder, but I did starve myself for days on a couple occasions. Even now I'm at the skinniest I've been since I was short enough for this to be my average weight.
When I was 10 I was cat-fished by a guy online through minecraft. I was never sexual prior to that, but I was taken advantage of I guess. Its genuinely hard for me to talk about as it was an embarrassing part of my life that I've tried really hard to forget. Essentially someone posing as a girl introduced themselves to me in the game and my dumbass, childish self thought it was really neat to have a minecraft girlfriend. I was given "her" skype and while it should have been a big hint to me that she always talked about not being able to obtain a camera or microphone, I didnt realize for like 2 months. I guess I talked to her all the time, basically by talking to myself and having her type to me her response. "We'd" be intimate and it was my first experience with that sort of stuff. She'd ask for all sorts of things and I thought all of it was pretty normal. I was uncomfortable, but I didn't want her to go. Anyways, one day I was traveling to Las Vegas or something and I guess "she" saw it fit to admit to me she was some neck bearded old guy by sending me a photo of him and then dipping. It was honestly the most disgusting and scariest thing I had ever experienced. I can remember having my first panic attack and being just straight up disassociated with everything (I guess that's the word for it). While they've slowed down a lot in the past decade, I still sometimes get nightmares of the man in my bed or in my room. Kind of like what I imagine sleep paralysis demons to be like, but I'm always just dreaming I guess. I dont think I've had a real sleep paralysis experience.
At 13 I got a girlfriend in middle school. At this point I was still somehow reeling back from what happened to me before, but it wasn't something I told people about. Growing up I think gay acceptance was pretty good, but I dont think I was as exposed to it or something, but either way I was just afraid of being thought of as gay for what happened. Anyways, this girlfriend I'm talking about was the sister of one of the dudes I hung around with. Not really all that important I guess. We dated for about 3 months and after the first month she was my first kiss. It was literally only that one time though, I'm pretty sure we never kissed again. To get to the point, I fell in "love" (It was like 6th grade), but what ended up happening was that she cheated on me by actually having sex with someone else. I hadn't even realized that it was an option for us as I was fairly afraid of the concept at the time, plus we were kids. I didn't see it as a normal thing. I didn't really confront her about it, I just heard people telling me about it happening and I sort of just took it because I was afraid of losing her. Later that day she texted me saying that it was all true and that the only reason she dated me was because her brother and my group of "friends" dared her to because in their eyes, I was the chubby ugly kid. I was heartbroken. I should probably mention why she probably was so sexually active at that age. I remember that she was raped by her father at some point and I know what that kind of thing probably did to her.
She continued to toy with me for weeks. She held me close and gave me empty promises of getting back together with her if I did certain "Favors" for her with pictures and shit all the while telling me about how much better how new boyfriend is and how ugly I was. She never did get back together with me. In fact, she moved to some other state without even so much as a goodbye. Probably for the best I suppose, but I was heartbroken a second time I guess.
Some quick things that happened between this girl and the next girl I dated were: There was this group of girls in my middle school who would follow me around and call me a pervert and a freak. I honestly dont know what prompted them to act like this towards me. I was most definitely not a pervert at that age (and not now). They'd scream it down the halls when it was crowded until people started staring at me. It was a whole thing. I'd like to emphasize that there is no way I did anything perverted to any of these girls. My running theory is that I had a crush on someone and because of my appearance they thought it was disgusting and thought of me as a gross pervert.
At 14 there was a girl who ran up to me on my way from walking home that grabbed me and pulled me behind a corner and kissed me. I feel like that would be anyone else's wet dream or something, but I was scared shitless and I felt violated. I sat there on the sidewalk clutching my over sized backpack for maybe an hour just shaking. I got home late and my parents had been worried and were about to leave the house looking for me. I'm going to be completely honest, a part of it was that I didn't find her attractive at all, but I think I would still have been just as scared even if she was because she was much older. Id guess an age, but everyone who's older than you looks like an adult when you're so young. It honestly could've been someone who was 17 and dared by her friends, who knows.
At around 14 I met a girl who ended up cheating on me after 5 months with our mutual friend.
I started dating her friend almost immediately after. I fell in love with this girl. She had more experience than me as she had given head to some guy once, but according to her she didn't like it because he would force her head down or whatever. She took my virginity in a park bathroom after maybe 2 months into the relationship. It was disgusting. Honestly a terrible experience for me. At one point I saw an ant on her thigh which was pretty gross. I was terribly afraid because up until that point I was scared shitless by everything that had happened to me, but at the same time, I also wanted to lose my virginity because that's what everyone told me to do. I trusted her too. Honestly I think this girl was the first girl I really ever fell in love with. She seemed to care about me and talked to me constantly. After another 6 months she admitted to me that she had been cheating on me with someone the entire time we were together. She was a cheerleader and I'd go to all her games to support her. (Oh yeah, by this time I was a freshmen in high school). She went to a different school so it was hard for me to find out through some one else. Apparently after I left each game she and her actual boyfriend would go out together. I thought the reason she didn't want to be seen actually talking to me while I was there was because of her family being there which was an issue for her, but apparently it was because of her boyfriend. I had gone to homecoming with this girl. I took her on family road trips to the mountains for snowboarding. She came over to my house frequently. I just didn't know who I could possibly trust anyone if not this girl.
During that relationship and before I was cheated on again, the girl before her wanted to get back at me for dating her friend by sending me a photo of her and her new boyfriend making out and flipping me off. I was of course heartbroken as I was still reeling back from that break up and soon after, that last breakup.
After that last girl cheated on me I broke up with her because that's what I was taught to do. I left her and found a group of people online that I thought were cool and began just talking to them. I feel like people used to do that more often when I was younger, just talk? Now it feels like you have to be doing something like playing a video game for it to be socially acceptable. Idk that's just a thought, I haven't thought too hard about it. Anyways, I met a girl on there who I thought was beautiful. I was still 15 and reeling back from both of the two breakups I literally just got done with. This girl I was now talking to was 19 and in college. She was the shy type and obviously had some mental issues. You can also kind of tell because she was dating a 15 year old. At this point I dont think I had mastered the art of being in a relationship yet despite being in multiple at that point. I was devastatingly scarred and honestly I have no idea why I kept getting into so many relationships one after the other. I think it has something to do with the fact that as a kid I never had any friends and broke down to my dad so many times about being terribly lonely all the time. Having a girlfriend was nice because they loved me! and they accepted me for everything I was bullied for. They were there for me and didn't tease me when I was depressed. They professed how much they cared for me and wanted to see me happy. In a way I started associating relationships to happiness and that began my constant need to be in a relationship.
Anyways, this new girl I started dating. She lived in another state. Missouri. Honestly one of the sweetest, but most timid girls I had ever dated up until that point. She was my first instance of a girl that had some clear signs of depression and possible traumas. After all my previous relationships I think I started developing some kind of problem with being hyper sexual. I dont know how I went from being deathly afraid of sex while still somehow being active, to being hyper sexual, but who knows. The answer to that is in the head of my childhood self and I'll never understand. I think maybe I became this way because I felt like that's what anyone ever really wanted. I grew up surrounded by constant reminders that all that people wanted was sex. Nothing else mattered. I had been cheated on, molested, cat-fished, lied to and tricked. I started growing a narcissistic view towards everyone. I felt like no one cared about me as a person, it was just about sex, and if given the chance, of course anyone would choose sex over me and in a world where I felt like it was so prevalent, I thought the opportunity was everywhere for me to be cheated on and that it was all that ever even happened in the past, so why not again?
I keep getting off track. This girl, the shy / timid one. She was amazing. Very sweet. Problem was, she had a kink for being told what to do. She made it VERY clear to me that she liked being bossed around, to be told how to live her life. I could not have thought this as a mistake. I promise you. She would tell me to tell her what to do. She would tell me to tell her how to pleasure herself and how to pleasure me. Being that I hadn't really been super sexually active up until this point, I guess I figured this was normal for some people. I mean of course I thought it was really weird and I felt almost uncomfortable doing it. I didn't want to hurt her or force her into anything. I dont know what happened between us. I dont know if maybe one day she changed her mind or something, but one day she told me she was uncomfortable by that or maybe she just wanted to get rid of me. I'm as confused as you probably are and I will probably never understand what really happened. I know I wasn't into it, I had even talked to her about it. But suddenly here she was telling me how I had taken advantage of her and stuff. Of course I tried to change. I stopped being sexual with her and sort of wanted to take a little break from doing that sort of thing, but I have to admit, I was upset. I felt like I was suddenly this terrible guy in her head. That I was some kind of villain that took advantage of her? I was just some kid who was confused as all hell. She was 19 years old and she let some 15 year old kid tell her what to do? I understand that there's a possibility I misunderstood her, but she made it such a point that she enjoyed it that I never thought twice about it. She ended up breaking up with me and telling all her friends that I raped her. (Over the internet I guess). I got death threats from people in college. I got people calling me swearing at me for hurting their best friend. I tried to explain myself but the story is so absurd that I wasn't even sure if I knew what I was talking about. Maybe a week after the break up I had tried to get my bearings when I got a call from her. She had blocked me and I never thought to block her back. It was her new boyfriend (who coincidentally had the same name as me btw). He told me about how they were cuddling as we spoke. He told me that I didnt deserve her. He told me all these other lies that I hadn't even heard her say to me yet. I was heart broken to hear the voice of the guy who took away this girl I loved and lost in the most confusing way.
After that I was in the deepest depression of my life. I was reeling back from being cheated on twice in a row and suddenly the girl I had dated to help me get my mind off it all left me in the most confusing way. I started cutting. I started abusing my medication for my ADHD which led to me OD'ing off Adderall. I think I was taking 100 mg's a day. Suddenly I was filled with a level of anxiety and constant fear that I had never felt in my entire life. I started twitching the first day I felt it. My head jerking to the side and shit. I felt like everyone was staring at me. Id hide under my hood and hold my head in my hands as I sat because my head felt like a hundred pounds. I was so uncomfortable in my body I felt like moving was extremely uncomfortable. I felt that way for the good part of a year. At its worst, my neck was completely stiff, unable to move. I literally could not control my neck the way I wanted to. If I focused really hard I could get my head to snap to the right or left and if I tried to slowly do it in a natural way it would do this thing where it shook almost violently (As I remember it). I kinda equate it to the way the nurses in silent hill moved in that one movie. The worst part of all of it was most definitely the level of anxiety I felt for that whole year. Not only was I going through 3 breakups that felt like it hit me all at once, I felt like all of my problems from my entire life suddenly dawned on me in one big swoop. I realized the absurdity of it all. The almost impossible amount of times I was hurt in such little amount of time. I had never wanted to kill myself more before than in that year. My mind was in complete chaos. I had to balance school, my social life, my cynicism, the fact that I was cheated on. I started seeing everyone as my enemy. I looked at every guy and started seeing them as monsters as if they were all responsible for breaking my heart and taking those relationships away from me. I was just so lost and without any close enough friends to turn to. In a lot of ways I never recovered from my OD. I have some terrible neck problems that never went away. I still prop my head up when I sit in public areas because if I dont my neck becomes stiff again. (Thats another thing, the neck thing only happens when other people are around. When I'm alone, I'm perfectly fine, so I'm pretty positive its a mental thing). That and the fact that I still see sex as this evil act and that I am a part of that problem.
Some things that happened while I was going through that left me unbelievably scarred. All that shit before was terrible but I think its what happened while I was going through this phase in my life that really scarred me for life. I called my ex. The cheerleader one (I realize now I should've given them aliases for this story). It became a regular thing for me to call her every night. She'd always answer and honestly she didn't seem that upset by it, she seemed to enjoy the fact that I was crawling to her the way that I was. I was the one to break up with her after all so I'm sure there was some satisfaction in that. I'd call her every night and just cry I guess. She was the closest person I had to a friend because I used to feel such a great connection with her before she cheated on me because of the fact that I lost my virginity to her. You'd think maybe she wasn't that evil, that she was young and made a mistake. These calls typically consisted of her mocking me and telling me things I knew I shouldn't hear, but it killed me not being able to know for whatever reason. In almost every call she would sort of describe her experiences with other guys during and after me. I guess I was a cuck lmao. Only I can say that shit cause I know I ain't tryna be no cuck (Angry face here). One instance that stuck with me for whatever reason among the other gross shit was this one call where she wanted to tell me about the amount of guys shes kissed since I left her. I know it seems silly, but that broke me. I cried pretty hard and she mocked me asking "Why are you crying? You broke up with me" and would laugh.
Recently. A couple months ago I reached out to her again for whatever reason and she apologized to me crying because she remembered all the shit she did to me. We hung out and everything and she seemed to be the same girl I thought she was while we were together. I haven't talked to her since though. She fucked me up the most, but honestly, I forgive her. She apologized to me and that healed me just that much more I guess.
Another thing that happened while I was experiencing the effects of the overdose. A friend of mine, yes a friend I never mentioned, invited me to his birthday "kickback". I was heartbroken per usual at that point and was sort of used to this constant feeling of heartbreak. My friend was known as a fuckboy around our highschool and most people knew him. While I was one of the more shy and loner kids, I somehow at some point made friends with one of the more popular kids at school. He's genuinely a nice guy, so it isn't too unbelievable that he would befriend me. So I'm at his apartment, there is smoking, there is drinking, I didn't do any of that yet and hadn't planned to because I was a goody-goody. He said he was bringing girls over. The girls are walking up to the door and this dude literally opens the door a crack and tells these girls they are ugly and to leave cause he changed his mind. I think it was either me telling him that it was a dick thing to do and to let them in because it was rude, or the girl's begging, but he let them in. He had this goal to get me laid that night but after being in the general vicinity of the girls I heard that each of them had a boyfriend. I assumed that meant nothing would happen, but half an hour in and one of them is already being fucked in the bathroom (Which is strange cause there was a perfectly good bedroom next door, probably cause it didn't have a lock or something). I was eventually forced into a room with one of the girls who was clearly down to do something with me. She was kind of forcing my pants off and shit despite my protests and I ended up just bolting it. Apparently I brought the mood down because my friend told me to go home...
I searched up the girl later on Instagram, who was very pretty by the way, and found that her Instagram was just filled with photos of her and her boyfriend of two years. The poor guy just standing there in the photos with his girlfriend who cheated on him with two of the guys at that party once I left. I remember hearing her talk about him like he was such a great guy too. She was almost bragging about how great they were for each other. It made me sick.
Anyways, last thing that happened that year was that cheerleader girl getting sick of hearing from me so she talked to my friends who she had apparently been slowly bringing to her side and got one of them to jump me one day on my way home from school. Him alone did it but our other "friends" were there recording the whole thing. When I had found out it was all because of my ex I realized that nobody really cared about me. My closest friends jumped me because my ex simply just convinced them to? and my ex of course never cared for me, but that was just a heavy reminder of that. I dont know what she told them, but whatever it was couldn't be true, because I cant think of a single damn thing that would get those guys to think I deserved to get jumped.
I feel bad that this post is so damn long but there is so much more and this is honestly really therapeutic for me right now. I really want to keep going because there's so much, but I feel like, damn? who would read this much? but now that I think about it, if you're reading this right now, you probably dont care and would probably read more.
Too much depressing shit has happened there, so maybe I should lighten things up. I'm going to talk about the best relationship I have ever had and the longest one at that. She lived all the way in New Jersey while I live in California. It was a long distance relationship. A lot of people say its not a relationship because I never saw her, but I was with her for a year and a half, saw her once near the end, and I feel like I have never been closer to another human being in my life. For the purpose of this segment, I'm going to call her Bubby, because that's what we called each other as stupid as it may sound. It was just our variation of Hubby I guess. This girl has always been the one that got away for me. Among all the pain, all the heart break I felt throughout my entire dating life before her, she was that breath of fresh air that still keeps in contact with me today and has never been less than fresh. She knows I feel this way about her. As weird as it is, I've told her plenty of times, but I know it doesn't matter. Honestly, if having her as just a friend keeps her in my life, I will gladly see this through. She's in a new relationship now and I am more than happy for her. She has always deserved someone who was there in person for her and cared for her the way she always cared for me.
Not a single argument. Her and I were so good with each other. If I ever got upset or grumpy, she somehow knew the perfect things to say that would calm me down. She always knew how to talk to me. We called every time we had the chance. We'd talk about each others day and she'd talk to me about the most random shit. Her sense of humor is honestly the best and I dont think I know any one in the world who is funnier than her. Not many people can have that said about them. Bubby and I watched movies online together and instead of using some kind of watch-together website, we would both count down from 5 and click the play button together. I remember she would always freak out and do a little panic whenever her movie buffered and she'd yell at me to pause mine. She was always trying to get my attention even after a year and a half when I had already started just getting used to having her around. I never felt unsafe once with her. She didn't have the best home life and she would often cry about things relating to her family or financial struggles. I tried being there for every step of the way. I remember one day she nearly became homeless, only to find a smaller home instead. She was terribly upset about the way it looked. Cement floors, dirty walls, I remember her comparing it to a dungeon. Despite all of that, I dont think I had ever met someone who was so happy when she wasn't depressed about those things. She never lacked energy and she was always just so lively. I felt so old despite us being practically the same age of 16. I felt so sluggish around her and I think she was actually a year younger than me, so she would call me old man because of it. She didn't have a great computer so she would play Roblox and she made me play it with her. She called herself a gamer and I would tease her about how bad she was at all the obstacle courses. I'd jump on her head in game and she'd playfully yell at me to stop jumping on her head cause it was rude. Not once while I was with her did I ever feel all the anxieties of being cheated on nor did my feelings of not being enough come up. She was my person and I dont think I could have ever pictured her leaving. She was so cute, maybe I'd say something sweet and she'd start crying, begging me never to leave her. Not like in that crazy way, but in the way where I knew she loved me and I didn't mind. I dont think I ever could have left her. At one point in the year and a half I think I started drifting for about a month. I talked to her less and I felt terrible about it. I loved her but I just started losing it. I decided to stay with her though because I made her that promise and I figured that it was normal to feel that way after so long. I'm glad I didn't leave because after that month went by I found myself falling in love with her all over again and just spending time with her. One day I guess the distance had gotten to her. We had met in person once for only an hour. I managed to fly down to New York and took multiple trains which took like 2 hours just to see her. I looked absolutely terrible. I was in my worst clothes and I looked like shit because of how hot it was. She didn't have much freedom at the time so she had to lie to her mom and say she had to go shopping, so we only had the one hour to go to a pizza place and eat. She couldn't even finish her pizza because she was so excited. After we ate she paid for the food after much debate on my part and I walked her back to her car. That was the last time I saw her. One part of me knew that after being able to only see each other once and for only an hour, she would grow more depressed about the distance once I got back home. I could hear it in her voice when she asked me when I would come back, but me being only 16, I honestly couldn't just go and visit her like that. I think the day she realized she wouldn't be able to see me again for a long time broke her heart and maybe a month or two later, she called me crying that she couldn't deal with the distance anymore. At the time I had been preparing for that moment. I knew she was getting more and more anxious to be with me in person. I told her I understood and that I loved her and that its ok to cry. I made some stupid joke about it all being because I photoshopped her head onto that of Megamind from that one Megamind movie. She absolutely hated that picture. She laughed and I asked her if she was going to be ok. We remained friends and I still talk to her today. A part of me wishes we could be that close again, but she has a boyfriend now and her being the girl she always has been doesn't want to disrespect him by getting as close as we were to her ex boyfriend. I think it was a year later that I realized I was still in love with her. When she had broken up with me I just stood up and made myself a sandwich because I knew that it didn't mean I lost her forever. Sometimes I'm scared that maybe I'm making her seem so much better in my head. Sometimes I'm scared that she never saw me as that great. I am scared that maybe after all this time, I make her uncomfortable now because of how much I praise her for being the person she is. There's a good chance she barely remembers our relationship, that after these past years have gone by, that I am the only one burdened with the memory of us. It scares me to think shes forgotten. It scares me to think she was suddenly disillusioned of me.
I remember one day after feeling terrible because no matter what girl I begged to not hurt me and leave, no one ever came back or even had the decency to break up with me over a call or in person. I asked her whether she would have changed her mind if I had tried even a little bit to convince her to come back and she said she would have. that "there was something that could've been said". The biggest regret of my life.
I think another time way long after that, I was upset because we had been talking and she said something I had taken as her bragging that her new boyfriend was better than I had been. Which I think is shitty to say to someone who you dated, that you are now friends with, but it turned out to not be what she meant. It prompted me to ask something to her, something like "Hey [Bubby], hypothetical situation here, but what would you do if I just started yelling at you one day. Just cuss you out even if you didn't deserve it?" (Of course I'd never do that to her), but she said something like "Id let you because obviously you had a bad day and if yelling at me would make you feel better, I would gladly be here for you to yell at :)". I cried like a bitch.
Even as I right this I dont know what to think. I honestly have never and would never treat her like that, but I always knew she was that type of person, I just never really realized that she really was as great as I had always knew her to be. It wasn't just some fantasy of her I built up in my head. She really was just an angel and even if she doesn't realize it, I dont think there's anyone in the world that can match her. She is without a doubt, without thought or intent, and in the most pure of its meaning, perfect. I hope that one day she finds a guy who helps her see that about herself, someone who understands what or who he has because I know if anyone deserves the best, its her.
===BaCk tO dEpReSsIoN===
As much as I love writing about Bubby, it would be weird if I just made this whole thing about her. I just needed to balance this post out. I mean honestly, I thought that would've made me stop being so sad as I type all of my life's biggest heartbreaks and regrets, but I probably cried more writing that part alone compared to that other stuff.
I kind of want to speed things up. Lucky for you, there are only like 3 more girls and they're all essentially the same, so im going to be quick about it.
Tinder Girl. First and only girl I will ever date through Tinder. For someone like me who practically is both simultaneously hyper sexual and holds some kind of phobia of sex and its relation to everyday life or whateva, its practically just the most negative thing I can do for myself.
Tinder girl had this group of friends. Kind of like the friends from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (Btw does that even stand for anything?? Why is it abbreviated??) They were all HOT AS HELL. I mean like teen wolf type hot. The girls were all attractive I guess but I swear to god, whenever the guys walked into the room some music would play, theyd walk in slow motion and somehow there shirts would be gone or something. With my past and all OF COURSE it made me insecure, but I dont think I really developed my major issues up until later. I only dated this girl for a month, because I guess I just didn't feel safe! I mean I know how fucked up that is right? Like I didn't trust her and her guy friends right? fuck me. But I shit you not man, A MONTH after we broke up her and her hottest friend that she told me "I would never be interested in that idiot! Hes my best friend and I know way too much about his dumbass to even be interested in him like that"
They got together. And they have been dating for about a year and a half now. I mean I guess I can see what the counterpoint might be, that if I had been good to her she wouldn't even have dated her friend cause she'd be with me and not every girl would cheat, but c'mon. Even if we got married and I never found out, does it not bother a normal person that the guy who could damn near by my best man if we got close enough was someone she saw as a possible love interest? Id feel terrible if one day I'm sitting there with my wife and she lets it slip that she was always in love with her best-friend that I've had alone with her countless times I'm assuming.
I guess that's my trust issues showing, but if you cant understand by now how I could possibly think the way that I do. Then you probably missed the part where every girl but one has fucked me up in someway and somehow different than the last.
PART 2: https://www.reddit.com/TrueOffMyChest/comments/f1d3jd/part_2_i_fell_in_love_with_a_girl_with_a_lot_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x
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2019.09.23 22:11 needhellprnpls Sexually exploited by a catfish, anyone have tips??

hello, Long story short: some dude has nudes of me and probably knows who i am but i also know him.
background-story: Last year I(m21) was super sad, because I had huge family troubles and fights. Basicly I felt like I could get attacked or insulted anytime of the day and I just felt emotional pain. At that point I just lost my virginity couple weeks before so I wanted to habe sex to escape from home and reality. I turned to a dating app and had contact with a girl who was pretty realistic. I mean most catfish profiles are very obvious but when writing it felt real so I was happy that i could have sex with someone. She wanted to exchange nudes first and I just did it but only now I found out one of her pictures is trackavle to a different person on google image search. And now it all gets clear. I was tricked the whole time. She was into bisexual guys and wanted to have a threesome and connected me to her friend with benifits. I thought I was bicurious at that time but it was just my thirst plus emotional despair that warped my reality. So I visited him and we had some bicurious sex(oral sex) and I couldnt cum and got soft after a while because I noticed i was straight. Did that once qnd didn’t actually meet her, because before I could do that I met a different girl who was real and I started a wonderful relationship with her. So I blocked the catfish and unblocked after a while. Then i would occasionally get texts from catfish and would ask for meetups or nudes/videos.
Now again and she(he probably) send me a video of her supposedly riding a dildo which looked prety hot but I realised it doesnt look compeltely alike with other photos so I reverse searched some old ones and now I know its a catfish.
When I met the guy last year he seemes like a nerdy porn-addict. Im really ashamed to have met a person like this but I was feeling really really bad during that time and often did things to escape.
Current situation:
He has nudes/videos of me. He also has my photos from my tinder where some are also on my facebook :,( I dont know if he streamed/uploaded them somewhere. But I think he could be the type of scumbag to have recorded our meeting and mae some money with it. Id ont know though. So know I will be meeting hime soon and I need to know how to confront him/ get him to delete the files(all of them). Im a polite nice person but when i feel in danger I get very emotional and Im very intimidating very tall athletic person and hes a scrawny guy who looks like a porn addict who drinks too much coffee. If hes behind it all he must have two phones: his own and the one for the catfish. My plan right know is to visit him with the intention of still being naive and thirsty but actually looking if he has a hidden camera in his room or if I can acces his computer.
If that doesnt work out I will vonfront him with the images and last option is to calmly explain to him the situation and get him to delete everything even though if he shared it online on 4 chan or something and if he doens tfollow my wishes I‘ll need to physically intimidate him which i want to avoid and hope he will understand but hes a sick twisted individual probably.
I just feel so horrible. I moved to this big city and soem of the people are just people I despise so much.
pls help me :‘‘( I could be blackmailed or something
submitted by needhellprnpls to sex [link] [comments]


2019.07.22 21:39 _Revelator_ Hidden tinder sex camera

A first-rate paint job at the very least
The Clarkson Review: Porsche Macan
By Jeremy Clarkson (Sunday Times, July 21)
I flew with many friends recently to a 40th-birthday party that was being held in a gigantic tent near Siena. And after we landed in Florence, everyone began the long and boring trudge to the rental car desk for the keys to their much-scratched 40cc Fiat Uno. In which they would spend the next couple of days wrestling with its strong tendency to pull to the left. And some unpleasant smells.
Me? Well, I was met by a beaming Italian chap holding a Porsche board. My friends were very pleased for me. And many expressed their pleasure by ignoring me completely, or muttering darkly under their breath as they lugged their heavy bags into the sticky heat of a Tuscan afternoon.
I would have offered two of them a lift, but I assumed I'd be given a 911, so there'd be no room. I was wrong. It was a Macan, the smaller of the Porsche SUVs. And not only that, but it was also fitted with a four-cylinder engine. So it was the cheapest version of one of the cheapest models.
I didn't mind, however, because the last thing you want for a drive through Tuscany is a fast car. You want the journey to last for hours so you can savour the light and the endless valleys and the sense that round every corner you'll catch a whiff of Alan Yentob or maybe Melvyn Bragg.
I want an interesting and powerful car for trips from London to my place in the country, because there are many Peugeots to overtake. I want an interesting and powerful car on most journeys, in fact, because I like the fizzes and the crackles and the sense of fine engineering when I go round a corner. But in Tuscany, I just want an air-conditioned space in which I can sit and watch the view go by.
What was the car like? No idea, I'm afraid. I used it for three days and can't remember a damn thing about it, but that's OK, because when I got back to London, there'd been a clerical error and the car waiting for me was, yup, another Macan.
This one was green. Very green. More green than the love child of George Monbiot and that Green MP in Brighton. You know, grass in the evening sunlight, after a couple of days of rain.
Well, it was way more green than that. This was press demonstrator green, a colour designed so that the car positively leaps off the pages of those car magazines you read at the dentist's. I absolutely adored it.
I liked the interior too. The Macan has just been very mildly facelifted, so it has a light bar all the way across the back end and a new dash, which is pretty good. I especially like the way Porsche sticks to the principle, first used on the 928, of festooning every flat surface with buttons. And then putting half a dozen more in the roof. Men like buttons. They're a measure of our place in life.
The engine, though, was something else. The diesel option has gone and a petrol-powered 2-litre turbo is now seen as the solution. But it isn't, because in order to make it bear-friendly, it's controlled by algorithms that make acceleration possible only if you ram your foot through the firewall and push yourself along the road. You have to use a lot of throttle travel to cause a change in speed, and even more if you want the seven-speed double-clutch firewall gearbox to change down.
I'd like to say that this is solved if you push the button marked Sport, but it isn't really. There's a similar problem with the "hard ride" button. It's bumpy before you push it and bumpy afterwards too. I think Porsche was so busy fitting buttons that it forgot to attach them to anything. Even the air-con Auto button does nothing but illuminate a small red light. Which, technically, warms things up a bit.
So it's not a particularly inspiring car to drive, and not fast, and there isn't much space in the back or the boot. And while it has four-wheel drive, the low-profile tyres will spin pointlessly every time you drive into a gymkhana car park. And there's more.
I doubt you've heard of Andy Wilman, but he's a genius. He was the boss of Top Gear, when it was good, and he's the boss of The Grand Tour now. His skill in the edit is legendary. He knows what will work and what will not. He knows how to make me look normal and James May look interesting. And after he's viewed a thousand hours of footage, he will stun staff by remembering every last detail of it.
But the funny thing is that, although he has spent the past 20 years in a small, dark room in Soho, watching cars go past cameras, he is wilfully uninterested in the subject.
His first car was a Datsun Sunny and things went downhill from there. He even had a Mini Countryman at one point. He can now borrow press demonstrators whenever he wants, so he could swan around in Lamborghinis and Aston Martins. But these companies are unable to offer him what he really wants, which is a 1.2-litre paraffin stove. So he's usually to be found in a Hyundai.
He surprised everyone in the office recently by buying a BMW M3. But after he'd kerbed every inch of all four wheels, which took about a month, he sold it. And we were all keen to see what he'd buy next. Perhaps it would be Boris Johnson's old Toyota Previa. Or a Rover 75. But no. He went for a Macan.
I can see why it would appeal. The poor ride. The lacklustre engine. The cramped rear quarters. And the buttons that don't seem to make any difference. But these things on their own are never quite enough for Andy. He likes his cars to have hidden weaknesses as well, so I did some research and I think I know what he found.
The Macan was unveiled in 2013, but it was actually based on the Audi Q5, which by that stage was five years old. There's a new, updated Q5 now, but, incredibly, the Macan -- even the most recent, facelifted version -- is still based on the original. Which means it's sitting on a platform that was designed when Tony Blair was in power. We've had Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Theresa May since then.
And that original Q5 was not a good car. James May, Richard Hammond and I don't agree on much, but we all agree that Audi's mid-size school-runmobile was about as bad and as bland as cars can be. Toyota Picnic bad. An ocean of wallpaper paste garnished with a layer of nothing at all.
Yes, you do get a Porsche badge on the Macan and you do have the option of that green paint. But, really, you're spending a ton of money for a car whose underpinnings weren't much good even in the Bronze Age. And what you end up with is a car that's not just unnoticeable in Tuscany. It's unnoticeable everywhere. That's why Wilman bought one, obviously. And it's why I wouldn't.
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Leave the pointless promenading to the French. A walk is not a walk without a pub at the end
(Sunday Times, July 21)
By Jeremy Clarkson
Last Sunday a group of chaps and chapettes met in London's elegant Jermyn Street and set off on what they called "a walk without purpose, a stroll without direction, a civilised amble without destination". It might, they said, last five minutes or five hours or five days, and it might end up round the corner or in a cafe in Paris.
Now, in Valencia I've seen people do this a lot. There's a huge walkway along the seafront, and every evening people get dressed up and mooch along it, at a snail's pace, seemingly going nowhere. And in Spain that makes sense, because have you seen their television shows? I'd far rather climb into a bullfighter costume and walk about in the evening sunshine, looking at all the pretty girls in their thong bikinis and all the pretty boys astride their Vespas than sit at home, watching some trout-faced harridan and a shouty lothario encouraging a studio audience of rural morons to clap along to some mangled old Julio Iglesias hit. Watching people in Spain is a thousand times more rewarding than watching television.
It's the same story in Hanoi. Every Sunday the main road to the east of the Hoan Kiem lake is closed to traffic, so that people can take a stroll and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Again, this is because there is no equivalent of Breaking Bad on Vietnamese television, and walking along with your kids who are flying kites or spinning tops is just a lovely thing to do.
It's preening, really. It's chatting people up without Tinder and meeting neighbours without rowing over a hedge. It's a chance to do business and catch up on gossip and see stuff and take in the sights and the sounds.
Naturally, the French have a word for this sort of thing. Flâneur. It means "a man who wanders about observing society". And we have words for people who do that sort of thing. "Weirdo" is one. Others include "Sex pest". Promenading, which means to take a walk, in public, is something I suspect we'd struggle with.
In the olden days, people used to promenade in Britain. The rich even built long galleries in their homes, and festooned the walls with art, so that when the weather was inclement they could take their evening strolls indoors and have something to look at.
But now? No. There's always a box set to finish, or a new film, or emails to send. And that's fine, except for one thing. Not moving is the new smoking. If you wobble though life with your head nestling in the blancmange of six chins, you don't get sympathy; you get scorn. You're deemed to have let yourself go, which is a sign of a weak mind.
I'm nervous, however, of just setting off and seeing what happens next. AA Gill used to do that. And he'd always find a little statue of a little-known poet in an even less well-known mews. Or a cobblestone that was out of place. Or an arch that would fascinate him for hours.
I'm not like that. I couldn't care less about almost everything, and I've always never wanted to spend two hours stroking the brass of a faded plaque in Spitalfields.
I've tried walking with no purpose. I've simply left my London flat and set off without knowing where I was going or when I'd be back, and I always, always, always end up in the Ladbroke Arms. The other day I was in Mayfair and decided to walk back to Holland Park, which was about three miles away, and I ended up in the Ladbroke Arms, again, using rosé wine to nourish and water my remaining chins.
Let's just say I was French and that I liked preening in public. And let's say I stumbled on a charming back-street cafe where I could spend an hour or so contemplating the meaning of the table and whether the ham in my sandwich was happy, before sauntering home again, possibly with Carole Bouquet. That'd be great. But I'm not French, so the only reason I walk anywhere is because the law won't let me drive home afterwards.
Here in Britain we prefer to go for walks in the countryside, where no one can see us. I'm not surprised. In continental Europe, looking good is more important than looking where you're going, but here we don't walk to be seen; we walk to stay fit, and getting fit requires specialised clothing.
So we pull on cagoules and action trousers, and we set off with some of those silly Theresa May walking poles. And then we are happy when we sweat and our faces turn red. It tells us that we're in control of ourselves. And that our minds are strong.
Of course, walking in the countryside is impossible at this time of year, because I suffer from hay fever. The long grass doesn't just make my eyes water and my nose stream; it causes my arms to come up in a rash and my ankles to itch. I think it's God's way of telling me to have a glass of wine instead. It's certainly a very clear indication that I'm not French. I'm not sure there's even a word in French for hay fever.
In the winter it is also impossible to walk here because it is so very cold. And because after half a mile your boots are so caked in mud that each weighs more than 200 tons.
But there is a brief window, on June 6, at about four in the afternoon, when it is possible to go for a walk in the British countryside without being stung, struck down with a medieval disease or made to feel as if you're Rocky in training for his next fight.
I did a walk then and it was lovely.
There were many flowers to look at, and as I walked, a squadron of silent butterflies fluttered ahead like a fighter escort. I heard birds singing, and soon I arrived at a pub with moob sweat and a raging thirst for beer.
That's not promenading. Which is not something we can do. And we shouldn't try.
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And the Sun column: "Ignoring Lewis’s Hamilton’s amazing sixth Silverstone British Grand Prix win just isn’t cricket"
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2019.05.17 01:25 alexsmad Story Time: Dating is Hard.

True Story.

Let’s go back to late August 2017 when I, after not going on a date or actually even talking to a man for nine months, decided to download Tinder. And Bumble. Turns out it’s all the same people on both apps (same dicks, different pics, amiright?). I met a guy named Mike, we talked and drank beer at the, since closed, Greenlake Bar and Grill for three lovely hours and afterward I walked him to his car. His car because I suck at parallel parking and in an effort to avoid having the patrons at my destination witness the embarrassing attempts and failures of properly operating a vehicle I have been deemed fit to drive for over a decade, I find an empty street, ditch the car and walk half a mile or more. Every time. Gotta get my steps. Do people still count those? I don’t. Whatever. Anyway, we get to his car and it is a wreck- full of overflowing cardboard boxes and garbage in the back seat. The exterior paint is peeling and there are empty cigarette boxes strewn about, tobacco ash on every surface, spilling like slow lava flows from every crevice, crooked butts peek out from under the seats like the stale McDonald’s french fries of my Grandmother’s minivan throughout my childhood. I’m half convinced that Mike has lived full-time in this car at one point, recently. Total “dirtbag” aesthetic. So, naturally, I was swooning. We said goodbye and hugged briefly, politely. He didn’t try to kiss me. A dirtbag/possibly homeless dude who isn’t even into me-hot damn! Yes, please! I was fantasizing about all kinds of dirty things during the Tolkienesque journey back to my car. It dawned on me very quickly that my chances of having sex in the near future had increased from zero percent to whether or not Mike’s car could survive the drive to my place if we ever decided to hang out again. I looked up local mechanics and tow-trucks just in case.
I made a special trip to Safeway the following day to purchase condoms. I found a shopping basket and headed toward the aisle where I assumed condoms were kept. My anxiety reminded me that I am not mentally or socially equipped to make a purchase of just condoms, even if paid for through self-checkout during the mid-afternoon lull I was strategically counting on. Discretion, modesty and decades of sexual shame directed at woman prompted me to first wander through the produce section. I actually needed bananas and grabbed a few cucumbers, carrots, and then tossed in a package of pre-made guacamole, a box of Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts and a few other things to reduce the phallic shaped objects piling up in my basket and to further conceal the condoms. Dating is hard. (That’s what she said.) I grabbed a box of a dozen condoms, feeling optimistic, and proceeded to argue, silently as to not draw attention, with the register that my scanned items were already in the bagging area. (Why is that still a thing? Fix this.) I got home and unpacked the reusable shopping bag only to realize the condoms WERE NOT IN THE BAG! I looked around the kitchen and the space near my door where I drop stuff and pile up shoes-nothing. I checked the car next because what I lack in parking skills, I make up for in taking turns too fast when driving alone, like I don’t know if I want to live or die and I need those little moments I’m not sure if the tires are gonna stay on the ground, I feel a little lift or a slide and know, because I’m close to death, that I’m alive and like it… but the condoms were nowhere to be found. The receipt confirmed I paid for them. I was frustrated because I spent like $40 just to buy condoms and I didn’t even get them home. If nothing else, I am a bitch on a budget and I can’t afford to go through that ordeal again. Reason told me to call the store. Reason is an asshole. The call went like this:
“Thanks for calling Safeway, this is Timmy [or some other teenage-specific name adults never have]. How can I help you?”
“Yeah, hi. I, uhhh, just went through self-checkout and got home and one of the...items I purchased didn’t make it home with me. Is there anything I can do?”
“Oh sure, I can check to see if you left it over there,” he said, with the professional level of enthusiastic charm that is required for bullshit customer service calls. “We usually keep stuff on the side when people forget things. What’s the item?”
This is the part of the sitcom when Zack Morris pauses life at Bayside High School and speaks directly to the audience telling them how I am about to fuck everything up. Jim Halpert is making that face at the camera. Classic horror movie music starts playing at an ominously increasing volume that everyone but me and the fishermen from JAWS can hear. Boisterous women in movie theater audiences are yelling, “Hang up the phone, you dumb bitch!” This is real life and I can’t hear them. I imagine if I could, their cries would haunt me like Clarice and the screaming lambs. Plus, I am masochistic, or a moron, possibly both.
“Uhhh….yeah,” I say, in my most Bill Lumbergh tone, “it was… condoms?” The pitch of my voice rose as I spoke the last word like a question. Like I wasn’t sure if I wanted to say it. I didn’t.
Timmy(?) tried to put the call on hold before he started giggling. He was not successful.
I am on hold. This is the part of the sitcom when Zack Morris pauses Bayside High. Jim and the shark from JAWS have teamed up and are both making that fucking face through the office blinds. A woman screams, clapping between words, “HANG. UP. THE. PHONE.” Spongebob Squarepants come to my defense, mocking their pleas for sanity, leaning forward, hands on his hips, eyes bulging, “HaNg Up ThE PhOnE!” I don’t.
Timmy returned to the call after a long enough pause to tell every employee in the store that some girl is on the phone because she lost her condoms and doesn’t have the self-respect(/budget) to just eat the twelve bucks and move on with her life and she is actually calling the store. He is pleased to finally have a funny story to tell the girl in his math class he has had a crush on for years. “Hi, I didn’t see any…,” he hesitates like he is searching for the word on Ask Jeeves in 1998. The page eventually loads and he continues, “…condoms over there but you can bring your receipt to the customer service desk and get another box.”
I regain control of my life, “Yeah… that’s not gonna happen. Thanks.” I hung up. “Finally!!” screams the frustrated, fictitious audience of my life. I then, like any sane and reasonable adult who isn’t still jaded about Bezos’ tax evasion, ordered a box of 36 condoms from Amazon for about the same price as the dozen at Safeway to be delivered, discreetly packaged, to my door (/leasing office) within 1-2 business days. And, I mean, I am still bitter about Bezos but the annual Prime account fee already went through for the year so to cancel now would be just like giving him the money so I might as well use it and cancel my membership before the next billing cycle, I tell myself for the 4th year in a row.
I laid in bed cursing my alarm the following morning when I remembered my pre-made splurge-y guacamole and jumped up to make avocado toast before my early morning class. (Insert millennial joke here: everyone laughs-except the millennials rolling their eyes and drowning in student-loan debt.) I took the carton of eggs, bottle of Tapatio and guacamole out of the fridge. There, on the middle shelf, hidden under the guacamole, sat a silver box containing a dozen Trojan UltraThins. I fought the urge to walk away from the kitchen and meet my stupid fate in the middle of the busy street. Police investigating my death would note the open refrigerator door and its unlikely contents, nodding in unison that this was the cause of my untimely but expected and understandable death. And honestly, this kind of thing has happened before- enough times that I should have checked the refrigerator before I checked the floor of my car, but again, I am a moron. Clearly in optimistic denial about the kind of person I really am.
I spent the next thirty minutes scouring the internet trying to figure out if condoms are still effective after being refrigerated for 24 hours and realized that I am the only person (out of like 8 billion of us y’all) that has needed to know this information. And I still don’t know. There was a customer service phone number on the back of the box, but I heard the lambs screaming and threw the condoms away.
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2019.02.26 02:12 clearliquidclearjar TALLAHASSEE EVENTS 2/26 – 3/6

There’s another list of all the regular stuff that happens every week, so don’t forget to check for all your karaokes, trivias, and so on. There are also links to all of Tally’s theater options, both stage and independent cinema (from fancy to cult).
HAPPENING THIS WEEK: St. George Island Chili Cook-off. They worked like demons to get the area ready to be reopened, so go down and support your neighbors. Check out their official website here and see all the delicious plans in store. 3/2, 9am-5pm
HAPPENING THIS WEEK: 2019 Tallahassee Jewish Food & Cultural Festival. “Join us at Temple Israel on Sunday, March 3, 2019, 10:30 AM - 4 PM, for an unforgettable event filled with delicious food, great music, Israeli dancing, kids' activities and more!”
HAPPENING THIS WEEK: Paranormal Cirque - Black Unit .“ This new horror story with different shades of sexy, a unique experience and incomparable context will bring you to a parallel world!! Be ready to escape to a new world -- Where monstrous creatures with hidden talents will amaze you with circus arts!” 2/28-3/3 @ Governor’s Square Mall
TUESDAY, 2/26

WEDNESDAY, 2/27
THURSDAY, 2/28
FRIDAY, 3/1
SATURDAY, 3/2
SUNDAY, 3/3
MONDAY, 3/4
TUESDAY, 3/5
WEDNESDAY, 3/6
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2018.06.26 11:27 Dan_Joe Sex tinder camera hidden

Let's say a random person on a public street, or at a grocery store for example, asks you if you would be interested in casual sex, in such a manner:
"Hi! I'm sorry to disturb you, and I'm sure this sounds really weird, but would you be interested in casual sex?"
Let's assume that the person's appearance is something that pleases you, they don't seem threatening, are polite, and the location is such that you are surrounded by some people, and can easily remove yourself from the situation if needed. Let's also assume that you don't have any obvious reasons to decline, such as being on your period, or in a monogamous relationship, though these might be of less importance. How do you think you would react? Maybe you've actually been in such a situation before.
Despite all being seemingly ok, I think most people would feel weirded out. I'm guessing that most women would say no, possibly most men too. I personally would suspect some kind of joke, possibly even hidden camera, because I've never seen a, nor would I expect a woman to randomly propose sex (for me the person would be a woman).
I'm kinda interested in this, because we as societies have all kinds of conceptions about sex, and the way we deal with sex is horribly lopsided between genders. I'm wondering if in a more equal, possibly futuristic society, this could be seen as a normal, common interaction. I'm also thinking of the exact reasons why we would be weirded out. Because it's not common, and we tend to assume that people who ask something like that outside the usual social environments for pairing people up (bar, club, tinder) have bad intentions? I have no experience about casual sex, or really dating in general, so what do you think?
ps. I'm not going to try this :p
Edit: Ok wow uhh, what a response. Thank you all for answering. This apparently makes people feel very insecure. I guess in hindsight it would also be quite weird to ask a random person to play baseball, though that's far from a perfect comparison.
I also could've specified this doesn't of course need to lead to anything immediately.
I now realize that I probably made people uncomfortable just asking this, so I apologize for that.
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