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2020.08.24 15:53 Bluebird-Ordinary Pornhub real life cam
I’m a recovering porn addict. An addiction that started over 30 years ago (I shake my head in shame and cry when I wrote that) and ended just over a week ago. Because of the time spent with my addiction, I find it almost impossible to maintain an erection and orgasm without porn.
My addiction has cost me relationships, experiences and my mental and physical well being.
I’ve known that I’ve had a problem for decades but I wasn’t able to snap out of it or even admit that I needed to do something about it.
I’m a 44 year old separated father of two. I started very young, around aged 8, when I found porn magazines under my dad’s bed. I was an unhappy kid, struggling to cope with my parents divorce and the dopamine hit that came from seeing those images was a much welcomed hit of pleasure. Now when I think back, this was my way of escaping from reality, something that has followed me into adult life.
I’m a child of the technological revolution that has brought with it a revolution in the availability of porn. I went from magazines and VHS as a child / teenager to unlimited free porn with the rise of high speed internet and websites like pornhub available on any screen I had at my disposal.
My brain craved porn more than sex. I would consume porn at work on my phone while sitting on the toilet. I would watch porn after having sex because I still needed that hit. I’ve been on 8hr cocaine and viagra fuelled masturbation binges where I watch porn and edge for as long as possible or until my dick is too sore to touch. I’d like to say this has only happened once or twice but it happens pretty much every time I’m left alone with cocaine. I’m not me when that happens, it’s like I’m possessed, gorging myself on the dopamine that comes with watching all the videos, and after I get that huge orgasm i’ve been chasing I feel absolutely ashamed and spiral into a pit of guilt. But that hasn’t stopped me from doing it again and again.
The last time this happened was last Saturday, 15th August. I had taken some viagra but was unable to maintain an erection. Not even porn was doing it for me anymore. This, thankfully, was the turning point and, while it’s only been a week or so since it happened, I feel like something has changed in me. I don’t crave porn because I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be sexually active and have the touch of a woman or a sexy thought (from the real world) pop into my head and arouse me. It’s only been a week and I feel like I’ve got a bit more energy and my brain is firing on more cylinders than before. It’s encouraging and giving me an incentive to continue.
I’ve found really useful support online like your brain on porn. Understanding how the brain has wired itself to release high levels of dopamine when consuming porn, in the same way as any other addiction, has made me feel like it’s not my fault that I’m like this and so the guilt has been replaced with knowledge.
The other horrible thing about this addiction is the impact it has on other aspects to of my life. The desensitising of normal everyday experiences that should bring joy and the brain fog that has been a permanent haze in my mind for as long as I can remember led me to believe that this is my part of my personality, that this is just who I am. I know now that is isn’t permanent, that it can be removed, that there’s more to life. It feels like I’m slowly waking up. Reading stories from recovered addicts and those still on the path to recovery has been a huge part of me seeing the light and getting to this point. Thank you to everybody who has shared, it really does make a huge difference.
The way I see it, I’ve wasted well over 30 years of my life on this shit. I’ve hidden it from everybody even when I’ve had the opportunity to open up about it in a safe space. I’ve had enough! I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be able to have sex without the anxiety of worrying if i’ll be able to keep it up or will I be able to have an orgasm. I want to be in the moment instead of looking in from the outside. I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone else about this anymore.
So cutting out porn completely is the first step. I’ve cut out smoking weed too, another addiction that’s been clouding my brain and something i’ve used as a way to escape. No more porn stops things from getting worse but now I need to fix the damage that’s been done.
I need to let my brain rewire itself (thank fuck for brain elasticity) so that it associates real-world desire, touch and sex with that dopamine hit instead of pixels on a screen. My recovery needs time. The advice is no PMO for at least 90 days, possibly longer as I’ve had this addiction for so long, to give my brain time to unlearn the old habits and rewire itself. That sounds like a huge mountain to climb right now but I’m determined to do it.
The catalyst to me finally deciding to do something about this is a girl I really like. We started chatting on Tinder about a week ago and have been messaging each other everyday. She’s a really nice person, beautiful inside and out, really hot and we get along so well. We’ve been sending each other sexy texts and we started to cam a few days ago. Our cam sessions are super hot, she’s so sexy and I really like watching her but at the same time I know I shouldn’t be doing this as I know it’s not helping with my recovery but, like my addiction to porn, I didn’t want to admit that to myself or to her. We’ve had a few cam sessions now and last night she asked me why I don’t orgasm when we cam together. I could tell I was causing some insecurities and I really didn’t want to do that to her. I blamed it on not being used to doing things on camera, which is true, but despite being super turned on clearly the PIED/DE is the root cause here. I think because it’s on a screen that I’m able to get hard (plus the fact she’s super hot and ridiculously sexy) but i’m not 100% in the moment with her and I find that so frustrating, it’s such a difficult situation to overcome.
We agreed to see each other in a few days as we are so horny for each other but I could feel myself getting anxious about my PIED/DE. In the past, I would’ve reached for a viagra or something if we had sex but I don’t want to live that life, plus I can’t depend on a pill to do the job and I really don’t want to make her feel insecure if it didn’t work. I also don’t want to lie to her. I’ve done enough of that to last two lifetimes.
Today her I told her about my addiction, how it developed, how it’s affected me over the years...everything. She’s the only person I’ve told. I also told her what I need to do to recover and this is where I made a really bad decision.
I assumed she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Why would someone want to inherit the trials and tribulations of a recovering porn addict, especially with someone they’ve only know for one week?! I explained that I have to work on myself and that sex or even messing around on cam is not going to help my recovery. I didn’t say that I don’t want to see her again but it wouldn’t exactly be jumping to conclusions to take that away from what I had written.
She was really upset, firstly that I’d waited until after we had cam sex to tell her this and secondly that I’d assumed she was only interested in sex. I should’ve been totally open with her from the start about my addiction and my recovery but I didn’t want to deny myself and in doing so I used her. I’m not proud of myself for that and even less so for hurting her in the process. I’ve hurt too many people because of my addiction and I hated myself for doing it again, especially after I’d managed to get myself into place where I want to change. I hate that my addiction was still affecting my decisions and my ability to develop a connection with someone despite cutting out porn. I assumed sexy texts, photos, videos and cam sessions would be different as it was with a real person who I had a real connection with but that’s not the case.
After we chatted it through and I apologised for being such an idiot she said all I had to say was can we ease up on the sex and just talk instead. She asked me if I still wanted to talk to her and of course I said yes. I mean how kind, right! I was so caught up in my own shit that I didn’t even stop to think that someone else would care. The moral of this bit of the story is be honest, don’t assume people don’t want to help you with your recovery and don’t be so hard on yourself. There are genuinely nice people out there who want to help you.
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2020.07.24 19:44 throwitallaway8787 Pornhub real life cam
This is a very long post. At the very least, I promise you an interesting story.
I'm really struggling right now, and have been for the majority of my life. If I keep heading down the path I am currently on, I know I will once again find myself in a prison cell, thinking about how amazing my life had been, and wishing I had gotten help before it was too late. I have already gazed once over the smouldering ruins of a life I had worked hard for, only to lose everything in one defining moment. I've risen from the ashes once; I don't think I can do it again.
As a first step, I just need to put the full truth of my behavior out there. I have never told anyone half the stuff I'm about to write here, not even therapists. I really just need to type it out, all of it; I need to see it. I'm not looking for a diagnosis from anyone, but maybe just some thoughts from those who can relate to what I've been going through my entire life. There are crimes mentioned here, but I have already been convicted and served time for every one of them, and I am not currently engaging in any illegal activity.
I am currently in no danger of harming myself or anyone else, unless you count consistently violating the trust of all the people I love. This will eventually lead to me ruining the life I've worked so hard for, as well as destroying everyone I love. This issue, in various forms, has been going on for almost twenty years - all of my teen years and adult life. I don't know what it's like not to be handicapped by this. Enough is enough.
1. Sexuality in my childhood and early teen years.
I grew up financially privileged household with parents who both supported me, and I believe did they absolute best they could. In terms of their treatment of me, I don't ever recall them being anything but supportive in every possible way. As an only child of well-off parents, I was spoiled, and to my memory I really never had to earn the things I wanted. I think that my parents felt guilty for reasons mentioned below, and buying me stuff was seemingly an easy way to make me happy, especially since they both worked full time. A series of full-time babysitters helped take care of me early on. To my memory they were all great.
My parents were constantly yelling at each other. Never any physical abuse, but the yelling never stopped between them. At best guess it was all financial stuff due to my dad buying any car or motorhome or boat or house he liked. I counted once that they split up at least ten times before I was a teenager, and I lived in over twelve different houses (in the same area) before I turned 18. I had normal childhood friends, but I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with the door closed; it was a safe space. I was a very fearful and timid child, and never took chances to do anything that made me uncomfortable. This lack of confidence was strong into my late teens, and was still present until my mid-twenties. I was nervous and anxious all the time, and my parents did have me in therapy various times for depression. It might be worth noting that I regularly wet the bed until probably age 8 or 9. I don't know how much a normal person remembers of their childhood, but I think I remember a lot less than average. I have no reason to think I've repressed any abuse.
I was always extremely well behaved, and never once had to be disciplined in school. I was quite literally never "in trouble". Growing up, I remember adults around me would constantly remark I acted and talked like an adult. The way other kids acted out was very strange to me. I started reading books by myself at a very young age. I was nice, fairly quiet, and unassuming. I guess the best way to describe me would've been "stoic".
I was fascinated with sex a very early age, and my parents gave me "the talk" sometime in elementary school because teachers had noticed my sexual behavior. I have no reason to believe I was ever abused by anyone during this time. Around age 11 I found a page of Hustler magazine underneath a sink in a local grocery store. I had never seen anything like that before, and can still remember exactly what the page looked like - full penetration, cum on faces, anal. Like I said I don't remember much at all from when I was young, but I remember this; it felt like something snapped in my brain.
At best guess, around the age of 13 or 14 I started watching several hours of hardcore internet pornography every night - binge sessions that would keep me up until the early hours of the morning. At the time I didn't think this was abnormal.
I often forget just how terrified I was of girls at this state in my life, because I am now very confident with women. But from puberty and into my early twenties I was painfully inept with girls. If a pretty girl talked to me my face would turn BEET red and I'd start noticeably sweating. With the few girls I felt comfortable with, I was a friend zone extraordinaire. Just like most male teenagers, I was extremely horny, and lusted after every single cute girl, but I never did anything with any of them...not even close until late high school, not even a kiss. Everyone I knew was having sex at 13 and 14 years old, and I felt like a total loser in this regard. Asking a girl out was simply impossible, let alone knowing what to do if they wanted to have sex. This was a constant source of crushing stress, and porn was a temporarily band-aid for the pain. I would like to know if this might be part of the reason I find the jailbait and ageplay stuff so exciting.
I did have one girlfriend for almost two years from age 18 to 20, but I had serious issues getting it up when we had sex. I think my brain was so used to the constant stream of porn every night that real girls were now just boring, intimidating, and a lot of work. She cheated on me, but I stayed with her because she was hot and she told me she loved me. Then we both went to college near each other, but she broke up with me like a month into the first semester via text. I was crushed and didn't get into another relationship until I was 25. Before my mid-twenties my level of confidence with girls was simply abysmal.
To the best of my knowledge, my movement outside normal pornography started during my late teens/early 20s with hentai, then into paying camgirls, then to making posts on Craigslist in all the personal sections, but mostly m4m because the people were real and looking. At some point later on I started looking at loli hentai, which I've recently learned actually appears to be illegal in the USA. This seems like a defining moment because prior to this I had no urge to seek out anything "young". The girls looked young in hentai, and it seemed at some point to just slowly progress to drawings which were meant to actually resemble children. It was a very long, slow, and imperceptible shift from regular porn to extreme, but to me, looking back, the path is very distinct.
I consider myself straight, and not even bisexual. But I also talked to hundreds of men during this period of time by way of the Craigslist personals section (probably age 21 at this point). Most I just talked to, and never intended to meet. I ended up giving blowjobs to two of them in cars, and I fucking hated it each time. I compulsively created and responded to these posts on Craigslist. I recently deleted that email account - there were literally thousands of those Craigslist emails.
2. Worsening compulsive porn use in my early twenties.
At this point I started venturing more and more into "deviant" porn. After a huge binge session I would finish and just sit there numb, wondering why I was continuously doing this, even if it was just regular porn. Shame and guilt hit me like a truck after every session, but when I would wake up the next day I seemingly forgot about everything, and just would go on with my normal life. Nobody realized I had any porn issues whatsoever, and from the outside I appeared as a normal dude, and really I didn't think I had issues. Every night was the same, and every night I ended up going to bed hating myself, but would be just blissfully ignorant come the next day.
It was like some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit where I would just transform into some slimy reptile at night, who had full control of me until he finished a smut binge session. And I'm always in the background, trying to get him to stop. I was "happy" at this point; I had tons of friends, and was liked by girls. Though at that time, a girl would have to literally throw herself on me to let me know she was interested. I was totally oblivious to any attraction toward me. A number of girl have told me in recent years that they had a huge crush on me, but I was just oblivious.
Also, I think I had this warped perception of sex because I had been exposed to thousands of hours of hardcore porn. I thought my dick was tiny and that I'd get laughed at. Also, no one had ever property taught me to care for my uncircumcised penis, and therefore I had phimosis at this point (unretractable foreskin). Sex with my one long term girlfriend was painful for me because of this, and it was just so much easier to jack off than deal with all this humiliation.
3. Things get bad.
Around 2009 Chatroulette and Omegle came out, which was a turning point. I found myself calling in sick to work to browse Omegle all day and night. Like eight or ten hours worth, which is sometimes what it took to find a girl willing to help you finish. There were girls who were definitely younger than 18, but I was so desperate for any sexual attention that I somehow convinced myself that talking to these girls was OK. "If they don't say they're under 18 then it's ok, right??" I didn't have a preference for anyone younger, but if some girl was willing to watch me, apparently I didn't really care what their age was. At the end of all these sessions I would think, "uh, what the fuck are you doing dude", followed by the normal torrent of shame.
The rational me is always there, literally begging myself to stop. I consistently participate in things I am ashamed of, all the while telling myself that what I'm doing is wrong and hoping that I can somehow stop myself. I feel like I'm down a dark well, screaming up at the guy who is in charge, but all he wants to is consume the dirtiest and kinkiest smut he can find; only after that will he let me climb out.
Which brings us to when I started looking at non-nude jailbait photos around the age of 23. I'm not sure when I discovered the "Newstar" and "Tinymodel" photo sets, but to that reptile dude in my head they were extremely exciting.
Historically, I have never had any intense sexual attraction to girls younger than me, and I have always sought out girls within my age range. But being honest, part of me loved looking at these pictures of young scantily clad girls. Vanilla porn was now just uninteresting, and didn't provide me the same excitement, and this jailbait stuff was literally like I had found a new drug. I loved it and I fucking hated it. I never walked around in public and saw young girls and thought "wow I want to have sex with her". It was all photo and video based. It was like the girls I was looking at online weren't even real people to me.
It was not long before I started seeking out actual underage pornography. I have intentionally searched for and masturbated to actual child pornography. I have never actually said that sentence to anyone, despite the fact that I was eventually caught and charged with possession of this shit. I only got into this stuff for a few weeks, but I fucking hate that I participated in it at all. A lot of it was just videos of young girls solo on webcams, but there were a few times I sought out, watched, and masturbated to girls probably as young as ten participating in sex acts with older men, presumably their fathers. I cannot un-see these images; I want them ripped from my brain, and for these kids to have normal lives. I want their abusers jailed for life.
After these binge sessions the shame was so great I considered suicide. I would go on binge sessions on the dark web, looking at whatever I could for hours, only to be met with the worst shame you could possibly imagine when I was done. I would lay in bed for days afterwards, not eating or drinking. I remember the thing that finally woke me the fuck up was coming across a video where a young girl was on camera and started to cry and looked at someone off screen and said "dad, can't we just play with legos?". WHAT THE FUCK. I have tears in my eyes just remembering this. How could anyone actually do something like this to a child? This is a real person.
Right then and there I broke down completely and sobbed my fucking eyes out. I felt completely out of control with my own actions, and though the thought of abusing a child disgusts me to my core, by watching this stuff I was supporting it. I don't want to fuck kids or young teens, so why am I watching this stuff? A few years prior to this I would have never considered looking at this stuff...what the fuck was happening to me? How do you even get help for this stuff? If I tell someone I'm looking at this shit they'll just lock me up. Instead of talking to anyone about what was going on in my own head, I moved 2,000 miles away from my home town to a town I had never visited before. I didn't even have a job lined up. Literally I hit rock bottom, panicked that the only solution was to fundamentally change my life, looked up the "happiest and healthiest town in America", and moved to #1. I'm now in my mid-twenties.
4. Moving away from home. Peace. Happiness. Misery. Police.
Initially, moving away from home did "the trick". I could actually call myself truly "happy" for the first time I think really ever, and I was healthy to boot. The possibilities in my life seemed absolutely without limit. I started working out and doing a bunch of stuff outside (rode my bike everywhere cause I didn't have a car). It was a mountainous town and I got involved in climbing, skiing, and everything else I could. I felt "clear" for the first time in decades, and my porn use pretty stopped almost completely. But I never dealt with the actual problem (and still haven't), and everything came back eventually.
I met a girl in the apartment complex one street over who I quickly fell head over heels for. We started hooking up, but it became apparent we wanted different things (I wanted commitment, she didn't), and I drove myself crazy over the next two years pining after her. I'd ask her to make things official, she'd run off, I'd date someone else, she'd get upset and sleep with me and tell me she loved me, then she'd start sleeping with someone else. We were in the same friend group, and she refused to let anyone know that we were intimate with each other. Eventually I just ended up feeling like a shameful secret. We were basically best friends who spent all our time together, and sometimes slept together. The story is long, and I think I'm at fault as much for not giving her space as she is for constantly vacillating between "loving" me and sleeping with other guys. Nothing was ever malicious on her end, but I think we were both a bit fucked up in our own ways, and eventually I found myself in a serious emotional decline. I felt hopeless and worthless; previously I had been filled with a newfound massive confidence, but now found myself just wanting to feel wanted. Before all the shit hit the fan I found myself sometimes calling her dozens of times in a night because I knew she was over some guys house. I drove around town looking for her car in front of dudes houses. I literally felt like I had lost my mind. During these times I had the same voice in the back of my head saying "uhhh, dude? this is fucked up and you need to stop".
Since moving to this city I had landed a great job with a company where I was well-liked and respected. I had tons of friends, and was like a goddamn social butterfly; I was always somewhere doing something with good people. I was so happy in almost every aspect of my life. I had been such a "scared" person my entire life, the fact that I was able to move here and succeed filled me with a confidence I had never experienced. If I could have just gotten my head out of my ass and focused on how amazing my life actually had become, I'd probably still be in this town.
But instead I dug myself into an emotional grave because the girl I wanted didn't want me in the same way, and I couldn't cope, or something. I had several other really fantastic women I was seeing on and off, ones who really liked me for me and would have been up for actual relationships, but they weren't her. In a very short period of time, towards the end of the two years of living in this new town, I got right back into the type of porn I ran away from. I started posting on Craigslist in multiple sections with both fake ads and real ads. I went from 0 to 1,000 with everything in the span of probably six months. I gave two more guys blowjobs, and once again fucking hated every second of both experience. I got right back into non-nude jailbait, and towards the end found myself on the dark web once again seeking illegal porn.
During this time I had posted several ads on Craigslist looking for actual women to sleep with, or really even just talk to; I just wanted to feel wanted. I never posted any ads actually looking for an underage girl, but one responded claiming to be 13, and against ever fiber of my being, I responded. We talked over the span of about five days, email and then through text. She complained about how all the girls at school made fun of her and she didn't have many friends and just wanted someone to talk to about "stuff". I seemed "cool" and "interesting" and she said she liked talking to me. We eventually talked about sexual things (this in itself is a felony), but fortunately no pictures were exchanged. Eventually the topic of meeting each other was brought up. I vacillated between thinking this was some old greasy dude in his basement, and thinking that I was actually talking to a young girl. This doubt gave me permission in my own head to talk to this girl. But also my own head was telling me "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STOP THIS." The thought of sexually talking to a 13 year old girl excited me, and I need to be honest about this. The idea of meeting up excited me as well. "She" tried to get me to meet her, but I did not make any attempt, and never actually set anything up. The rational voice in my head won out, and I stopped talking to her.
Right before I stopped talking to her I found myself driving down a long beautiful mountain road after work and Norah Jones's "Come Away With Me" came on the radio. It was so beautiful. All of a sudden it really hit me how fucking stupid I was in talking to this girl, but also how long I had been struggling with doing things I didn't want to do for so long, and how I just didn't know how to escape it. I pulled over to the side of the road and bawled my fucking eyes out. "Is this how you're going to find happiness, dude?" I just wanted to find someone to love and to love me back, to be in a healthy relationship for the first time, to feel "clean" and wholesome and proud of my actions and decisions. I didn't want any of this stupid shit I was now suddenly back into.
A week or so after I stopped communicating with this girl, five detectives woke me up at 6am banging on the door of my apartment. I was not under arrest, but they took all of my electronics and informed me that I had actually been talking to them, not to a 13 year old girl. I thought the life I knew was over (I was right), so that night I held a kitchen knife up to my arm. I thought of my parents and just couldn't go through with it. I've never seriously thought about anything like this since that moment.
I didn't hear from the police for about four months. I told my parents what had happened the day after the cops showed up, and how I had been struggling with pornography addiction my entire life, and it felt good to be "honest" (really I didn't tell them half the shit I had issues with, but even halfway felt great). I got a lawyer and just sat around for a few months waiting to be arrested, sitting with the severe anxiety of not knowing if or when my life is going to be totally destroyed by committing a sex offense.
5. Arrest. Conviction. A promise to myself.
They arrested me outside my home in broad daylight, two plainclothes officers driving an old shitty Honda Civic. If they had just told me to come to the station I would have turned myself in, but they got all theatrical with it, and called me and made up some story about how they were from my old apartment complex and wanted to drop off my security deposit at my house. To this day whenever I hear a car door shut outside my house, or see an unknown car park nearby, or even dudes in public who look like undercover cops, I immediately get a severe rush of anxiety in the fear that I'm about to be arrested again. I'll go from totally relaxed to severe paranoid paralyzing anxiety in a microsecond, heart beating out of my damn chest.
My arrest should have been a small blip in the news, but because of some other factors it would take too long to go into, I ended up on the front page of every paper and TV station in the state. Sitting in jail, I didn't know this until the next day. I remember sitting in the bond hearing court room, just staring at the line of media photographers in the audience with all their telephoto lenses, capturing my face to put it in the papers underneath words like "predator", "pedophile", and "sex offender"....and they did. My lawyer came in and just said some shit like "yeah, sorry dude, you are everywhere". It's a very unique feeling knowing that from this point forward, absolutely everything in your life will be different. Every relationship you have will be affected. Nothing will ever be the same.
I vowed right then and there to never give up no matter how tough the road ahead gets. I'm going to live a life I can be proud of; this will be my success story. Maybe I'll write a book about it, but it would be pointless without an ending I could be proud of and honest about. I will be the guy who, against all odds, moves beyond a criminal sex offense, and has people who love and trust him, and who can eventually look back and say "look at what I achieved". I've made great strides toward this life, and have worked my ass off to get where I am now, but the the mental issues which led to my eventual imprisonment are still inside my head, and I finally need to admit that I need serious help.
6. Finding happiness while everything around me is on fire.
My parents bonded me out the next day. Though my boss tried his best to keep me, the widespread news of my arrest and the fact that we were one of the most respected (and well known) general contractors in the area meant I lost my job. I was friends with over a dozen guys I worked with, always drinking some beers behind the workshop after a day of hard work. I was there fore over a year, building relationships, and I had started going out to bars and going over the bosses houses for family dinners. Save for the three main guys, I never saw any of them again. Though I did maintain a group of close friends who still supported me, the whole town now felt toxic. I decided to move back home. I flew back to the state in question probably 8 times for court hearings. What started out as my lawyer being confident that I would just get a few years probation turned into me fully pleading guilty to internet solicitation of a minor and possession of child pornography. I had I think five to seven nude images of girls who were under 18 on my computer, and one video. My lawyer dropped the ball several times when communicating / meeting deadlines with the district attorney, and the situation became way worse than it should have been. Under my lawyers advisement I signed a plea deal which meant there was no question I would get a prison sentence between 2 and 8 years. I did commit crimes and it is my opinion that I did deserve punishment for allowing myself to make disgusting choices. I mean, from the outside, I can see how I looked like a run-of-the-mill child predator. However, spending a few years in prison is probably the least helpful thing for someone in my situation, in my opinion.
While I was home fighting my case I was filled with a sort of "I have nothing to lose" confidence, and started taking any girl who would accept out on dates. I thought my friends sister was cute, so I asked her out. It took a good number of tries, but she eventually agreed to let me take her to dinner. We had a really great time. After a couple dates I was honest about the legal situation I was in, as well as my mental struggles. She was a bit shocked of course, but she had known me for a long time. She stuck around, and we had the most beautiful summer together before I had to fly 2,000 miles away to serve an unknown amount of prison time. She, as well as my parents, sisters, and friends flew out with me to the sentencing hearing. My girlfriend and I told each other "I love you" for the first time the night before the hearing.
We're still together, and she's been by my side through everything the past five years. I've never met someone who was so easy to be around. How I could ever get so lucky, I will never know.
7. Prison. Gangs. Solitary confinement. Making the most of it.
I was sentenced to four years in a medium security state penitentiary. The gangs pretty much run the prisons in this state, and you'll get immediately extorted by the gang which coincides with your skin color if they find out you're a sex offender. I stayed under the radar for a few weeks, but some gangs save newspaper clippings with sex offenders photos, and I got found out. They threatened to kill me, so I told the guards I was in danger; they agreed. I spent a month and a half in solitary confinement for my own protection. This was "the hole", a cell with no window to the outside where they never turn the lights off). I was eventually transferred to a different facility which was much safer, though one sex offender was murdered during my stay there. Prison could be a book in itself, but most of it was just groundhog day. It would be best described as long periods of mind-numbing boredom interspersed with occasional moments of sheer fucking terror. I was extremely fortunate to talk to my girlfriend every single day on the phone, as well as very regularly my parents, relatives, and friends. I had a ridiculous number of visitors, despite being a 2,000 mile flight and hours long drive through the desert away from everyone I cared about.
I had started taking mindfulness meditation classes after the initial search warrant was served. This habit continued into prison, and most of my month and a half in the hole was spent meditating. Solitary confinement can be maddening; you could occasionally hear guys screaming or crying in other ~60 cells in the solitary cell block. But honestly I've never been more at peace than how I was during those 45 days. I remember my girlfriend told me over the phone that she had heard that my ex girlfriend (long term one from when I was ~19) was going around telling people the news that I was a child molester. At first I felt panicked, because this firestorm of people I went to high school with "finding out" about me was totally out of my control. But then I came to the realization that that's pretty much how life always is, even if you're not a convicted sex offender sitting in the hole because the Aryan Empire wants to kill you. You could just be a dude minding his business, and then bam, you get run over by a bus. I can't control what people think of me, or the things they say, and that's ok. But I should be able to control which thoughts I turn into actions, and meditation helped me greatly in this.
At this new facility I eventually petitioned the warden to allow me to start a weekly meditation group. He allowed it, and they gave me a quiet classroom behind the library to use for two hours every Wednesday night. It started out with pretty much just me alone, maybe one other person occasionally. Within a few months I had about a dozen regular members. Everyone from sex offenders, to men who had murdered their wives and didn't quite know why, to ex gang members. Twice we had meditation instructors come from the outside to teach for a day. We meditated and discussed how to find peace in a place as abrasive as prison. I taught these men that their thoughts do not need to dictate their actions, and that they have control over their own mind, not the other way around. Focus on the breath, observe your own thoughts coming in and observe them going out. At this point my mind felt healthier than ever had before; I could "see" the thoughts which entered my head and choose to either pursue them or just send them on their way. Through daily practice (I meditated every morning and night) I was becoming a master of my own mind, but now I seem to have lost it all. I can't even bring myself to sit on my mediation cushion; I feel like someone is physically preventing me from meditating. I based almost my entire practice around a fantastic book called "Turning the Mind into an Ally" by Sakyong Mipham. Right after I got out of prison I heard that there were recent multiple credible sexual assault allegations against him. This destroyed me a little bit. Is anyone actually righteous?
I called the prison a few months ago. The meditation group has more members than ever.
8. I shall be released (but with an ankle bracelet).
I was paroled at my first parole hearing. Overall I spent about twenty months in prison, out of a possible 48. This didn't just happen; I have never worked so hard at anything. I participated in every prison program I could. I worked 40+ hours a week as a maintenance technician at the facility, as this is my area of expertise. I was well known and liked by dozens of guards, probably partly because I never caused a single issue. I was in three bands, and after I played a live show for the entire ~1,000 inmate population the gangs left me alone because they liked hearing me play guitar (pretty much the only thing I've stuck with for the last 15 years). I volunteered to give a ten minute graduation speech to a couple hundred inmates in a certain program. At this time, public speaking was at the top of my list of fears. I took every single opportunity presented to me an capitalized on it. Not just because I wanted to be released, but because I felt compelled to. No more being scared. No more fucking around. I am ready to lead a life I can be proud of, and it starts now, not when I'm released from behind bars.
Thankfully I was allowed to parole to my home state. I moved in with my girlfriend (and her mom), and we started looking for places to rent together, finding one in about a month. My parole office was amazing, and when I was eventually released from parole, after about a year and a half, we shared a good number of beers together. I can't tell you quite how good it feels to cut a heavy cigarette-pack sized ankle bracelet off after wearing it for 18 months straight. This was almost a year and a half ago now.
It was finally done. I was no longer a number in the Department of Corrections. I was free, free to build a beautiful life with my beautiful girlfriend. And I never watched porn again. Fairy tale ending.
9. P.S. - Nothing has really changed.
I started looking at porn probably two days after I got home. I tried REALLY fucking hard not to, but it just happened like I was on autopilot. It started with just me giving myself the excuse I could jerk off to some scantily clad anime girls, then moved to ecchi ("I mean, whatever, it's just nipples dude"), and then to hentai. In my head I'm screaming at myself, "DUDE STOP, GO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR ACTUAL HORNY GIRLFRIEND", while I'm loading up Pornhub in the bathroom. I was not allowed to look at porn while on parole, but they did not actually monitor anything or ever actually check my devices. I was allowed a smart phone and essentially unrestricted internet access. I passed all my drug tests, passed my polygraphs, and presented no actual problems to the parole office, so I pretty much totally fell off their radar. I had to take state-sponsored sex offender therapy, but if I had admitted to looking at porn they would've just sent me back to prison because it was a parole violation. So much for getting help with your biggest problem.
I tried to stop, dozens of times. At most I could go about two weeks without looking at porn, which is pretty much a world record for me. I felt fucking amazing during these periods. But whenever I abstain for a long period, something will inevitably stress me out, and I'll dive back into the sexual compulsion. Soon, I got right back on Omegle, and found a new thing to search for: phone sex. It's not hard to find a girl willing to have phone sex on there; much easier than finding someone to cam with. In the past eighteen months I've probably have phone sex with at least three dozen women. In my mind, and I'm sure in the mind of my girlfriend, this is cheating, plain and simple. Again, what the fuck dude.
But I'm not thinking of this when we're together. I'm just being me, and enjoying her. There's no present thought in my mind going "hey I feel really guilty about having phone sex with girls right before you get home from work". I love her, and I love spending time with her, and none of the shameful shit I am involved in even enters my mind when we are together. Though occasionally during sex I'll get hit with a wave of shame and I'll lose my erection and can't get it back up. "I'm just really tired", I say. Ugh.
Probably 6 months ago I started looking non-nude jailbait photography again. It always happens the same - I tell myself, "ok you're horny so just jerk off for ten minutes to some vanilla stuff so you can think clearly and after that you're gonna get a bunch of shit done". Two hours later I've still got my hand on my dick, I'm all flushed and sweaty, and I'm looking at jailbait pictures while I'm screaming at myself inside my own head...
"Stop. Please stop. Dude you know you don't want to be doing this. Is this going to be the last time? If you need to finish just do it but make this the last time. You can still stop. Go take a cold shower and just stop. Please. You know this isn't what you want. Please stop".
I just burst into fucking tears typing that because I've gone through that loop in my own head literally tens of thousands of times. I just cannot stop myself. There is nothing I want more in this world than to stop all of this.
It just keeps happening, no matter how many strategies I use to stop, I always find an excuse.
"Just do it this once but then never again."
"Ok you can look at porn but only 15 minutes worth."
"Ok fine, jerk off to some legal jailbait stuff, but make it quick, no endless scrolling."
"Well you're a fucking freak anyways, everyone think's you're a pedo, so fuck it, prove em right. You know you can't stop so just embrace it and enjoy it. Let's find the kinkiest shit possible."
And when I DO abstain for a long period, when I eventually relapse it's just 1000x worse. I'll end up doing like an eight hour binge and missing an entire day of work.
And it's getting worse. I'll talk to girls and guys over the phone via Omegle, and I've started asking guys to roleplay a dad/daughter or brothelittle sister fantasy with me. I ask if they want to roleplay that we're dads and have "hot" stories to tell about our young daughters. I get turned on thinking about talking about something this kinky, but I end up hanging up every time within like a minute. Like literally I've never even gotten close to "finishing" on one of these calls. Probably done this like 15 times in the past 6 months. The other guy starts going into his fantasy story and it hits me how fucked up this is and I hang up. I don't want to fuck kids...this is not a thing that is on my mind, ever. I do not go to the beach and think "hell yeah look at all this ripe young ass". Almost all of my friends have young children and I've never once thought of doing anything with them. In fact I pretty much avoid children, because I now project what I think other people think of me onto myself.
When I ask these guys on Omegle to roleplay occaisonally one will ask if I'm "active", aka actually molesting a child, and it makes me want to throw up thinking someone would want to hear about actual abuse. When I read a news story about someone actually raping a kid my face curls up in disgust, which I feel like is pretty much the "normal" reaction. Weigh that against the fact that a couple times in prison I got horny and started writing a few sex stories involving young teens. I never finished any of these stories, and shredded and threw them out halfway through writing all of them. Again, what the fuck.
I'm just waiting for the FBI to show up at my house. Isn't asking guys on Omegle, "would you be into a fantasy where we roleplay as two dads telling hot stories about our daughters?" a huge red flag? But I always tell them, "this is 100% fantasy, and I do not want to hear about anything real. I do not want to receive pictures or participate in anything actually illegal." If they say they have real stories I leave the chat / hang up immediately. Even though I'm not doing anything illegal, whenever I hear a car door shut from a neighbor, my heart races and I have to get up from my desk to check if it's the cops.
I also sometimes ask the phone sex girls on Omegle to ageplay as a young teens for me, and pretty much all of them have been happy to. Like 15, 14, 13 years old, whatever they're comfortable with. Why do I want this? Why is there such a disconnect between what I find disgusting in real life and what I "want" to fantasize about? If I could pay someone my entire life savings to remove the part of my brain that harbors this desire to fantasize about the idea of sex with young girls, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I do not and have not talked with anyone on Omegle or on the phone who says that they are actually under 18; at least prison taught me the lesson to never talk to an actual young person ever again. Maybe in some peoples opinions the ageplay thing is acceptable and nothing to be ashamed about, but I do not want it as a kink of mine. It brings me serious, crushing shame for days after I participate in it.
Is anyone else like this? I just want to stop feeling like a freak - I just don't want to feel ashamed anymore.
Shame really seems to be a constant theme of my sexuality throughout the years. Even after normal sex I feel a bit of shame. I've always had serious shame amount my body, especially my genitals, but even with just taking off my shirt. My parents were always open to talk about sex, and to my memory never did anything to instill shame in me when it came to sex. But stepping back it almost looks like the things that I find the most shameful are the things I'm most likely to seek out.
Post too long, last two chapters have been posted in a comment.
submitted by throwitallaway8787 to mentalhealth [link] [comments]
2020.07.24 16:42 wolf24Jul Pornhub real life cam
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Recently I've been having arguments with my girlfriend almost daily and then making up and promising each other eternal love and happiness, only to end up in an argument all over again the next day. Things have got pretty heated sometimes and we're often on the brink of brwaking up while she's crying her eyes out or we're screaming at each other. The thing is, I don't want this to happen to us. This girl is pretty great, but I keep having this gut feeling that she's not right; not honest and open to me. I don't want to feel this but it feels as if I get 'signs' from the universe, or coincidences that make me ask questions. I wonder if she is doing this on purpose to fuck with me or if this gut feeling is right.
To make it easy, here are just some of the instances, off the top of my head, that made me raise questions about her loyalty:
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submitted by 20JJulbluetooth to Dino_Blue [link] [comments]
2020.07.08 14:31 Thebropill SIMPING IS AN EPIDEMIC (FOOD FOR THOUGHT)
I got bored and wrote this mini-essay a few months back tell me if you agree with my points. I wrote this essay 3 months before going taking on board a lot of MGTOW principles. Was still on that red pill hype back then.It kinda helped fuel my new idea that women are not valuable in a man's life , in a lot of circumstances.
There is a virus spreading across the world infecting all of us, How can it be stopped? ( And no, I am not talking about coronavirus I am talking about something far far worse........The rise of the Simp.
Scientists are working desperately on an anti simp vaccine,the epidemic continues
So what is a simp
Urban dictionary describes one of the definitions as "When you infatuate over women, allowing them to take over your mind and cause you to do things for them that you wouldn't normally do." (
First, let's look at stereotypical examples of what a simp is. We most likely picture an incel virgin telling a girl how beautiful she looks on her live stream while simultaneously emptying his bank account to show his appreciation of a woman he most likely idolises as a goddess. He could also adorn a fez and a neckbeard. To his left, he has a bowl of nachos and to his right a litre of mountain dew, and in the centre a premium bottle of high-quality organically sourced lube.
Here I have given a glaring example of what a simp is, however something darker going on, many of us may in fact actually be part of the problem.........
To understand the simp mentality, we need to understand the process of why people simp. I have created this nice little equation for you; Money plus time plus being over availbe=bewbies but does it mnnnnn?
If a man puts a woman above all else in is life-changing things that he would normally do just to accommodate his pursuit of her, he is a simp.
A simp will literally cast aside all the essential things in his life just to get a chance at getting some sugar walls. In a his mind he thinks that exciting these excess behaviours will make him more attractive but what he doesn't realise is that these behaviours are working against him. These behaviours cause him to a week of desperation, turning him into a poon golbin. A woman to a simp is the goddess Athena. The more desperate a simp becomes the more he lusts for vagina juice and female companionship.In doing this he fails and falls deeper into the pit if simpery.
How many times have you liked an Instagram post just because a girl was showing her cleavage or ignored your friends to spend time texting a female that has it has gone nowhere with. Any time you give validation and go above and beyond for a female just because you think she is attractive, you are therefore simping.
A counter-argument to this is that sometimes you need to be a simp to get laid, the truth of the matter is that is entirely false. If a woman is attracted to you, she will sleep with you in most circumstances. Physical Attractiveness is the Strongest Predictor of Initial Romantic Interest in Both Sexes; No Evidence Male Personality Plays Any Role for Women (Luo & Zhang, 2009). So with that logic, if a woman is attracted to you, there is no need to be a simp..
I know now it's isolation you are getting all lonely, and you are bored of pornhub, so you think it will be a good idea to start sending 100's of DMS to that special lady.
Are you always in her DMS, waiting for her texts, how quickly do you reply regardless of how long or short it takes for her to give her message. Do panic if she leaves you on seen? YEAH .......that means you are acting like Simp (pickup certified simp membership card). Do you really think you will stand out by being the thirsty guy that DMS her during a period where every other chode is doing the same thing
Films and pop culture have programmed us into thinking by giving all our attention to a girl we are going to get a happy ending. Those films show a lovable perhaps goofy gentleman chasing the girl but what they don't show us is what happens after the credits roll. Reality!...................
In romance films, the girl puts up a barrier, and in response to this, the guy goes out of his way to gain her admiration. In real life, we all know that the that when we don't give that "girl" much attention that is when she becomes interested.
Simping has consequences and here's why . Social media and dating apps have entirely turned the attraction dynamic between men and woman upside down. It has allowed any female to gain extremely unwarranted and high levels of validation and admiration because of men's behaviour without really having to do anything. Guys use social media and dating apps too, but they will never receive the same amount of validation and here's why. Men liked 61.9% of women on Tinder and women wanted a mere 4.5% of men on Tinder. So assuming we have a 7 out of ten female and 7 out of ten male. The female is going to get far more matches, meaning an increased ego and validation. This means that hypothetically a 7 out of ten female is now less attainable then she was before not due to her Attractiveness but due to her amount of choice she has. "Choice abundance in online dating results in daters, particularly women, immediately rejecting more hypothetical and actual partners (Pronk & Denissen, 2019)". The same thing can be seen on Instagram, hypothetically between looks matched male and females the female is always going to get far more validation and attention. Liking , swiping , dm'ing and only fans are all contributing to the simp epidemic. THEY ARE GETTING 100'S OR 1000'S OF MESSAGES
Look fellas it's like the stock market if everybody invests (with validation) then the stock is just going to go up and up. But unlike stocks, the returns ain't giving you much By over investing, you are helping to crash the market.
If you are on Tinder or any dating app stop liking girls that you don't find that attractive just because you are thirsty AF . If a girl puts up a post or story, don't be the thirsty chode that dm's her. In essence, stop feeding girls egos just because they are females.
In conclusion, simps are not just the select few that pay money to naked girls on cam, we have all been simps in the past or are currently acting like simps. Let's stop the madness before the collective actions of simps further change the relationships between males and females forever. As with global warming and pollution; we know how to stop it, so let us stop now..
Next time you see a girl on Instagram going "Boreeeedddd ask me anything?" Remember DON'T BE A MUFA FUCKING SIMP.
submitted by Thebropill to MGTOW2 [link] [comments]