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2020.10.06 00:18 500scnds Hidden video latest camera sex

Source | Previous table
Questions Answers
How did you type all this? I can touch type. It's an essential skill.
the below is a reply to the above
Do you have some type of software that reads certain things out? I wasn’t trying to be rude so my apologies, just very curious/interested! Hats off to you. Sure, I use a screenreader. It's a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read back what's on the screen. And I navigate using the keyboard rather than a mouse.
Thank you for doing this AMA! Its really fascinating and I'm learning a lot! I noticed in some of your comments you said you enjoy cooking. In my own experience, cooking and baking are extremely visual activities (for example, like knowing when a pancake is ready to be flipped, or properly cleaning and preparing a chicken, or when ground beef has been cooked completely). I would imagine that you use taste, touch, and smell, to guide you through some aspects of cooking. But even then, the information you could possibly get is still limited. What do you specifically look for as indicators to help you cook? I'm also interested in what dishes you find the easiest to make and what dishes you find the most difficult. All of that information you can get non-visually. You can tell ground bief is cooked by the texture when you touch it with a spoon. Other things by the smell. It's not more limited, it's just an alternative method.
I love experimenting with different things, I went through a phase of baking lots of bread. At the moment I'm into building complex salads and working on really healthy recipes. I cooked a meal for 60 people, that was pretty intense!
whose voice is reading my question to you? A very synthesised American voice.
Does colour mean anything to you ? Not really, it's an abstract concept.
Do you watch or should I say listen to porn? Nah, it just doesn't do anything for me.
As someone who plays video games and watch shows to kill time when I’m bored, I never thought about what a blind person would do to kill time when they’re bored other than listening to music. What do you do to pass time? Read, watch films and tv, mindlessly browse the internet. There are also audio games, and it's possible to play some regular games if you're blind, but I'm not really a gamer.
How has voice technology (like Siri or Google Assistant) changed the way you interact with things (if you use it at all)? If you have it: how has it made life better or worse? If you don't have it: why not? It's convenient because I can set a timer when cooking hands free! But also, something like an echo dot is designed to be used without vision, so I'm not actually having to deal with an accessibility barrier. I get exactly the same functionality from it that a sighted person does, and that is an important consideration.
how has the covid-19 pandemic affected you, as a blind person specifically/differently? Not so much now. At first my concern was in relation to grocery delivery services. I didn't want to go to the supermarket because many places were refusing to provide assistance, but also everyone was using delivery services, so slots weren't easily accessible for those of us who really needed them. It's calmed down quite a bit now though.
Another issue relates to accessible information. A lot of the stats are shown as images, with no explanation. Which means we're shut out from accessing what could be very crucial info.
Do you experience any visuals in your mind? For example, like when you dream? I don't. I've never been able to see so this is impossible for me.
Based on your life so far and what you have learned from others what is your favorite color? I don't have one. I usually say purple just because people demand an answer and it's easier to give them one.
Do you like puppies? I do.
What is it like to move around. Is it hard and do you feel out a room as you walk through it? It's not hard because I've always been blind so know how to navigate as a blind person. When outside I travel using a white cane, this is also true if I'm inside buildings like shops etc. But if I'm at my house or friends houses I just walk around and learn where things are.
What’s something people do/say that is ableist but not commonly acknowledged as such? How can sighted people be better allies to blind people? "You do so well for a blind person," has to be one of the most rude things people can say. Because what they're saying is that actually, they don't expect blind people to be doing very well at all, so the fact that I'm a moderately functional adult who doesn't get enough sleep, drinks too much coffee and is constantly stressed is a very very good thing. When I'm actually very typical for someone in their mid 20's.
Just treat blind people like people, and support us with fighting for accessibility and equal rights. That really is the best way to be an ally.
As someone how may go blind I always wondered if there was a fear of “the dark” or does it fade a bit? I'm not sure honestly. I've always been blind, so it's normal to me. I do know people who lost their vision who have really happy, secure lives.
Is sex more intense for you? And do you have sex with other blind people, if not how does it feel when you cant see the other person but he can see you naked? It honestly depends who I'm having sex with. I don't really worry if they can see me and I can't. I've had good and bad experiences, with both blind nad sighted people.
Do you listen to old radio plays? I had a period of time prior to a cataract surgery where my photosensitivity was so intense I mostly lived in total darkness, and these were my favourite forms of free entertainment. I am old enough that I listened to them on radio, although most were rebroadcasts. Also, do you usually wear any kind of sunglasses or such? If so, for your own benefit, or to make people feel more comfortable? I listened to a lot of plays in the early 2000s when I was a kid because only a fraction of books were published in braille. Audio books were expensive and also only a few books became audio. These days I listen to less of them because with things like Kindle I can read almost anything, but they were a wonderful and necessary part of my childhood that I am very thankful I was able to experience.
I have light perception so I wear sunglasses when it's really bright, but not for the comfort of others. I think if my eyes make people uncomfortable it's something they should address within themselves.
Is the halo effect a noticeable phenomenon for you as an arguably perfectly objective observer of sighted people? Have you ever been in a situation and just known that someone is physically attractive based on being inexplicably treated more favourably by others than could be reasonably expected? How do you feel about this in general? I think so. I definitely noticed this in school. My perception is that people gravitate towards someone who is deemed to be physically attractive, but I don't know if that is true.
Have you ever fired a firearm or played with a sword? I haven't. I considered going to a shooting range when I lived in the US but never did.
When browsing the web -- do ads really screw with your screen reader? Do you use an adblocker? They do, and yes I do.
If you could tell the world one thing what would it be? About blindness? Treat me like any other adult.
Not about blindness. Use your vote.
What's your favorite place to get a burrito? I live in England where burritos are sadly lacking, but now I really want one.
Would you consider trying psychedelics and reporting back your experiences? I've tried them before. Really weird, honestly. Mostly auditory but also some physical sensations.
Do you understand racism? Also what's your favorite song? By understand, I think it's wrong, but I understand it as a concept. RAcism isn't really about being able to see colour, it's associating a race with a positive or negative set of attributes. Blind people are just as capable of being racist.
In terms of songs I don't really have a favourite, I've been listening to I and love and you by the Avett Brothers a lot recently.
I was always wondering about this one. There are days when I "overlisten" to music or sounds get pounded and louder until I can't stand it and I need to shut it out. I would go several days without music or wear noise cancelling headphones to get myself disconnected. It sometimes happens with my vision, where it's just too much information and my brain needs a break. So I'm wondering what's it like in your case, if you've ever experienced something like that? Where there's too much sensory information and you need to shut it out but you need it to get around? And another extremely random one. I work and architecture and was trying to figure out how someone would go about designing a house while blind. Besides textures, how would you try and build a house for yourself if you could? That sounds like sensory processing disorder, which I have experienced aspects of yes.
I'm not sure, definitely lots of outside space and a big kitchen, but those are because of my love of being outside and also of cooking, more than blindness!
So this might sound weird, but my friends have a year old daughter who is blind. What kind of playing made you happiest as a kid? Climbing, playing football, running about. Just normal kid stuff.
the below has been split into three
So two questions: you mentioned that you travelled to a couple of countries. To us, travel is a very visual experience, what is it to you? How do you experience the travel experience itself? Travelling to me is experiencing all aspects of the culture. It doesn't have to be visual. You can meet people, go to a city, go to a park, go hiking. These are all part of it.
We see your inability to see as an impairment or disability out of our ignorance, what do you think seeing people lack? What is our disability? I think we have to be careful and not view something like a lack of understanding as a disability. I am blind, and blindness is my impairment. But I'm disabled because the world around me isn't accessible.
ok 3rd one, out of the countries you visited, which one of them you felt a bit more challenged than the other ones? In terms of the countries they all had positives and negatives. Colombia was definitely a new experience, but it was also my favourite place to live.
What is imagination for you? That's difficult to answer. If you mean how do I imagine, through my other senses. But as to what it is, I'm not sure. It seems to be an essential part of who we are as humans.
What do you see in today's society that you dislike? I'm not sure this is just a problem with today's society, but ignorance and denial regarding the reality of the world we live in.
My sons (age 10) are really good friends with a boy who has been blind since birth. My sons have gone to his house a few times and have had a lot of fun. I would like for him to come here, but it makes me nervous. I worry that he'll get bored or be uncomfortable. As a child, what were some of your favorite experiences with sighted friends and their family? Being welcomed in to everyday activities. My best experiences were with people who didn't worry, who let me run around and play, who let me climb and mess about with my friends. But who also set boundaries, who told me to be quiet or to stop running, like they would any other child. Basically the best thing you can do is welcome him and treat him like any other kid.
Will you have children of your own even if you have a 50% chance of passing on your genetic mutation? My mother in law is blind and she passed retinoblastoma on to all 4 of her children even though each birth was a 50% chance. They all were able to retain vision though 2 had to have an eye enucleated. Later in those same 2 passed away from associated secondary cancers in the 20s and 30s bc they received radiation to stop the tumours (inherited is bilateral). I am pregnant with a baby girl who inherited the genetic mutation and at 36 weeks will deliver so they can monitor and treat the tumours. Being induced early allows the critical growth stage of 36 to 42 weeks gestation to be monitored and treated. Prognosis is good and it's considered 97% treatable but I cant help feeling that I am doing a disservice by continuing the horrible legacy of retinoblastoma. And also I wonder how she would feel knowing if she wants to naturally have children she will have a 50% chance of passing the mutation on to offspring. I would. I will pass the LCA gene on to any child I have, but my partner would have to be a carrier for us to have a blind child. Even if my child is blind I'd know how to raise them. I could teach them to read, to travel, to do anything they wanted to. I understand it's more complex with something like RB, but I think you have to do whatever feels right for you.
Do you play any instruments? If so, which instrument(s)? I used to play the clarinet but haven't in years. I was never very good at music.
If there was an option for surgery that granted you sight, would you consider it? I wouldn't, it doesn't interest me.
What are some UI changes reddit could make to improve accessibility for the blind? What are some things other sites often do which make them difficult for you to read and navigate? Reddit is honestly a bit of a clusterfuck. It's accessible enough, but sometimes the focus of my screenreader jumps around. There also aren't many headings used, which is the primary way screenreaders navigate online content, so it's a pain to find the section of the page that you want. In terms of other sites a lack of alt text is a huge problem. We convey so much information through images, but if it isn't tagged correctly a blind person misses all of it.
What would be the best way to interact with a blind person? Like let's say you went inside a new building and people there knew you were blind would you be offended if they offered to help you find your way? Or tell you how many steps there are or watch out for things that may be in your way? Would that come off as overbearing? It's annoying when people constantly tell me, because it's actually distracting. If someone offers that's fine, so long as they listen when I say no.
Which genders are you attracted to? When did you realize you were attracted to them and what was it about them Both, though men more than women. I'm not sure, I guess I was a pre-teen and I started to have crushes on people.
i watched a video of a blind woman with her seeing eye dog and a hidden camera try to find her way around a mall that she'd never been to before. it was so funny to watch the employees point as if she could see or the dog could understand what was going on. there was, eventually, one woman who walked her to the perfumes/jewelry and entrance so that her dog would understand and so that she knew the amount of steps that it should take. do you have these experiences often where people are just, unintentionally, entirely unhelpful? All the time. You just get used to it. Also, we don't actually count steps, we may have good spacial awareness and can tell approximately how much distance we've travelled, but step counting is a bit of a myth.
[deleted] I do. If she's in the United States I really recommend that she reaches out to the National Federation of the Blind to find out about their training centers. The Colorado Center for the Blind made a huge difference to my life.
Why did the moderators remove this? u/mmm_toasty could you perchance let us know? Because I can't hold up a sign with my username...because obviously I can't write. Unless they want it in braille?
Maybe this is question is better suited to those who raised you, but do you know if there was anything atypical about your language development? I read a case study about a blind toddler’s unusual syntax once and found it really interesting. I'm very interested in this too. I had fairly advanced language development, which I know through speaking with my parents and reading school and medical reports. Many congenitally blind children do have atypical language development though.
What parenting tips would you suggest to someone who has a young child who is blind or losing sight? Have high expectations, don't expect less of them because they are blind. Expect them to do chores around the house, to work hard in school and to be polite. They can and should do these things.
I occasionally see the same blind man on the sidewalk navigating the DC metro and city streets. I believe he lives around my work. Sometimes he looks completely lost. I have on a few occasions guided him to the correct train or set of stairs. He just says thank you and continues on. Is there anything else I could do to help him or be a good samaritan to other blind folks in the city? Asking is honestly the best thing. Either the blind person will need assistance or they won't. It's worse to assume that someone does when they might not, so I feel that by asking you're already doing the right thing.
So I know I am very late to the AMA party here, but hopefully you still are able to answer this for me. I'm a police officer in the US in an area where we don't have a very large blind/deaf/etc community. What are some good things to know as a cop so that I can better interact with the blind? Especially, of course, victims who need to report crimes. But either witnesses who may have info or even perpetrators. I've read almost this entire thread and with some of your answers to other questions, I can only imagine how blind people may be treated by uninformed or wilfully ignorant officers. This is such an important question, thank you for asking. Firstly, the biggest thing is to view them as credible. Obviously a blind person is capable of lying, but they aren't automatically less credible just because they can't give you a visual account of what has happened. This is a particularly pervasive problem in cases that involve sexual assault.
Also, if you're approaching a blind person in the street because there's a situation, it's good to identify yourself as an officer. I have no way of knowing if the person is a random stranger, who I might brush off, or a police officer unless they tell you. Some blind people will want to be given your badge, to see if you have one, or take your ID number. Try not to be upset or angry, it isn't that we don't believe you, just again that we can't visually verify what you're saying.
This is an interesting AMA. Thanks for doing this. My question, If it was possible through new technology to give you vision, let's say through an implant that records wavelengths of light and transmits the information to your brain allowing you to see in perfect 20/20 vision. (I am not familiar with what caused your blindness, so let's assume we are able to bypass it) It's a completely safe surgery, but the implant is permanent. Would you do it? No, I wouldn't. My brain has adapted to my blindness, and I feel like getting vision would be really disruptive and uncomfortable.
As a parent it would cause me a lot of pain to think about my child being blind. Have you ever discussed how your parents felt with them? Yes, if it does upset them, they don't show it which is so, so important. I would have hated growing up, knowing my parents wished I was someone else.
the below is a reply to the above
Becoming a parent comes with a range of emotions they don't warn us about and we can't prevent. Your parents would never wish you to be someone else, they world just want take away anything that might cause you pain. It is good to hear you had the support and love you needed. Absolutely, but you also owe it to your child to keep some of those feelings from them. It's really damaging to know that people around you would change a fundamental part of who you are. Absolutely a parent should seek support when they have these feelings, but it should never be made obvious to the child.
Are you religious? Has anyone prayed for you to see? If someone offered would you be open to it? If yes, do you think other blind people would? I'm not, if people are going to pray, I'd rather they pray I actually have a happy and meaningful life. I have no interest in seeing, some blind people do and that's totally their right.
When you masturbate what do you mentally picture? Depends. If I'm in a relationship at the time I'll often think about that person and things they've said or done.
Do you depend on someone else or did you figure out on how to do normal every day activities that people take for granted on your own? I can do pretty much anything alone. I can cook, clean, do my laundry, travel to and from work etc. The only thing I can't do is drive, so I'll take busses and trains or use Uber sometimes.
This could have already been asked, there's so much knowledge we all want to glean from you. Have you ever thought about or done a race, running, biking, swimming, or anything where you have a guide? There's some great races where you can feel the wind on your face and the sound of the trees around you. I guess it doesn't have to be a race. Just how much have you been able to feel the wind and the trees. Thank you for answering all of our questions. My respect on one, putting yourself out there and answering personal questions, and also being a complete boss on your answers. Sure, thanks for reading. I love more extreme sports, so I've been skydiving and paragliding for example. I'd love to do more things like that. I also really enjoy skiing and tandem cycling.
I hope I don't sound rude, but how do you (or blind people in general) know where to go especially in a big city? Is it difficult to find shops and run errands without getting lost? Bonus question: How do service dogs know where you want to go? Like if you wanted to go to a specific restaurant for example, how does a service dog aid in getting you there? I know by exploring, by asking questions, by learning about the layout of the city. And service dogs receive instruction from the handler. The dog doesn't actually know where it's going, it is the handlers job to give it commands like find left, or find right.
What do you enjoy about traveling? For me it’s the scenery. But also foods a big one. I imagine being blind, food would be the main reason. Also has anyone tried using sign language to communicate with you? I honestly worry about that misunderstanding alot Haha maybe they have but I just didn't see them. I have been asked if I know it though!
And the food, meeting people, visiting different places like museums and parks, the whole aspect of immersing yourself in another culture.
Is the experience of sight something you wish deeply you could do? Or does the fact that you’ve never experienced it make it seem very foreign and intimidating? It definitely feels overwhelming to the point where I wouldn't take a cure if it was offered to me.
While living in the US, did you find it a relatively accessible country or no? Also, I started watching your YouTube videos, and they’re great! Super informational. Makes me want to sign up as a volunteer for Be My Eyes :) Thank you, I'm so glad that you are enjoying them. If you have any video topic requests, feel free to leave a comment on one of my videos as I may not see it in this thread as it's so big.
It was fairly accessible, as with most places, the attitudes of others were the biggest barrier I faced. People not believing I could do something, rather than be actually not being able to do it.
Do you still have Isla the guide dog? If so, was she already trained? What signals do they give to let you know there is steps, a road? I don't. She retired last year, but she's living a very happy life with some friends of mine. She was trained when I got her, they are trained to stop at roads and steps.
This rivets me. My mom went blind on and off through her life. Glaucoma and surgeries. She only sometimes had sight in one because she lost the other to cataracts. Anyway. I was her eyes. I knew how to help her, somehow. Have you ever had a person you let be your eyes? To a point, sometimes I'll ask people for visual information. But I wouldn't want to create a relationship where it's expected, I think it can result in some uncomfortable power dynamics. I'd rather get that info from a paid service like Aira. This is just my personal preference.
How would you rate reddit's accessiblity? Kind of a pain, honestly.
Was learning Braille hard? Is Braille the same in other countries outside of the UK? It wasn't because I was very young, so it was just like a sighted child learning print.
This doesn't have an easy answer. Broadly it's the same. The letters A to Z are the same in all languages that use the Latin alphabet, much like they are in print.
However, most languages have what is known as contracted, or grade 2, braille. So one character might represent several letters. In English, we have such a character for er, or the, or wh. Because these are common letter combinations. Grade 2 in French will be different, as will grade 2 in German.
English speaking countries have also had some variation when it comes to more advanced presentation rules, and certainly braille mathematics. That is why in the early 2000s Unified English Braille was created. With increases in electronic braille production, it was viewed as important to create a unified code, so that electronic braille could easily be shared between English speaking countries, and so there wouldn't be these small variations.
You mentioned you love books. You also mentioned that books that are meant to be realistic, but have poor depictions of blind characters frustrate you. Have you read "All the Light We Cannot See" by Anthony Doerr, and if so, how did you feel about the depiction of the blind girl? I honestly thought it was a bit ridiculous, but not the worst I've read.
Have you ever tried to draw anything from your imagination and if so, what did you draw? Could you visualise the drawing after you drew it based on the shapes? I'm horrible at drawing. I've tried on paper where the lines then are raised, but I'm just not coordinated enough. I struggle to even draw a circle unless I can draw around something.
Are there any questions you get that you are tired of or are just like what the hell? Also what's a question that you never have been asked but want to answer? Honestly how I use a computer. It's exhausting that most people still don't know this.
And not really, I do find the deeper, more thoughtful questions interesting though.
Are heights or flying scary at all to you? I actually don't like heights, so I've done things like skydiving and paragliding because I need to get over myself.
Do you make facial expressions? If you do, does that mean a smile when we’re happy is built into us. I do. I can't tell you how I know them, I just do.
Do you think you compare yourself to people less than those of us who are sighted? So much of the standard women hold themselves to seems visual to me. Weight, beauty, aging, fashion... I imagine you not to be bombarded with these standards, advertisements, social media visuals. Do you feel less pressure on these things than you imagine we do? I still feel a huge amount of pressure, compounded by not being able to compare myself. I have to ask people about my own appearance, which then makes me worry that they aren't completely truthful. Even if they are, it's their perception. I'll never have my own true perception of myself, because it's always filtered through information I'm given by others.
Is there an equivalent of line graphs and charts that blind people can use? For example did you understand the concept of exponential growth at the start of the Covid-19 crisis? You can plot these using tactile graph papers. There are audio graphs, which can give an overview of the information.
Do you own a printer, 2d or 3d. Can you read print text if its embossed? I can sort of read print if it's embossed, but often I forget the shapes of the letters and have to be reminded. I don't currently own a printer, I usually go to a library if I need a document printing.
i glanced over a couple of your youtube videos, and i noticed your eyeballs sort of wobble back and forth as if you're reading text with your eyes. is that a part of your genetic disorder? or are you doing that consciously, if so why? It's known as nystagmus. It can exist as a condition on its own, but often it goes hand in hand with other eye diseases, particularly forms of congenital blindness. Essentially I have no control over the muscles in my eyes so these are involuntary movements.
To piggyback off the person asking about software accessibility - do you ever spend time with software on a non-personal device - like a public kiosk? Are you able to use the product if there is no headphone jack? If it has audio output yes. But I would only use something like an ATM if it had a headphone jack so that I could access the information in a confidential manner.
What software do you use, especially for email? My mother is blind, stubborn, and cantankerous, always has been even before blindness. She uses an ancient version of JAWS and refuses to update, and I'd love to know what options are out there. Jaws is good but she'd be better off using the latest version with win10. I use NVDA because it's free, and VoiceOver on my iPhone.
Are you often browsing on reddit? And if so, what subreddits do you visit? (You don't have to list any of them if they are too private) Dogs, blind and the not the onion are some of my favourites. Also just browsing random things. Reddit is kind of a pain in terms of accessibility, so I honestly go elsewhere for chat, which is a shame because I like the people here.
I'm actually curious about how Blind People can use computers and how you can read our questions. I'm guessing a special machine is involved, but how does it work ? I use a screenreader, a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read out what's on the screen. I also touch type and navigate using a keyboard instead of the mouse.
Have you ever thought deeply that being blind was going to affect all your life and had a breakdown or were really depressed? There have been times. Mostly when a certain aspect of my life isn't going well, so it's easy to attribute it all to blindness. When really there are usually many factors at play.
Have you ever tried the app “be my eyes”? It is an interesting app I found for helping with tasks. I thought it would be great to help out a blind or visually impaired person. I’ve only connected with someone once but I’d love to help more. I have tried it, it can be really useful in certain situations.
How was your experience in Colombia? For how long did you live there? I loved it, I lived there for a year and it was the best year of my life. I loved everything about Colombian culture and the friends I made there. Also, is your username because of In the Heights, or just a coincidence?
Do you ever feel self conscious about what you look like to others? I do, I'm still under the same pressure other people are to look a certain way. I also feel more pressure because if I don't look good, maybe people will attribute that to my blindness and just assume I don't know how.
What are some things that you have done that a person who isn't blind, thinks that a blind person wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't do? Honestly most things, because people have such low expectations of blind people. Travel, get a job, move away from home, just have a normal adult life.
Looks like the mods want proof. How do you plan to do this blind? I'm not sure how to submit proof to them? I have all my documentation if they want it!
Do you ever listen to audiobooks? If so, what’s your favourite? I do, maybe the His Dark Materials trilogy. I love so many books though.
How do audiobooks and films (with audio description) compare to each other, is there one your prefer? I prefer books but I think that's personality, more than blindness. My sighted sister also prefers books to tv. We both grew up reading a lot as children.
How do you perceive colours when you haven't seen them? When someone says "I have a red car", what do you imagine? I don't, I just accept it as a fact and file it away.
Do you get motion sickness? On a roller coaster, a car, a boat or a plane? Or any other way of travel? I don't personally.
Is there anything that we (i.e. the general public) can do to make things easier for you when out and about, without being patronising? I know you are certainly neither stupid nor incapable, but just wondering what I can do to be more considerate perhaps. Mostly just asking rather than assuming someone needs help, then listening to the answer that is given. Being grabbed is the worst.
Hi, I am the father of a 5-month old who was also just diagnosed with LCA. What are some of the things that you wish your parents would have done differently as they were raising you? Edit: also, I understand that someone with LCA has that uncontrollable urge to press/rub their eyeballs, which my baby is doing every 10 seconds, why is that so and how best to stop it? Hi, it's so great to meet other LCA families. I really wish they'd encouraged me to use a cane far more than they did. Developing those skills at a young age is really critical and makes for a much easier transition into adult life. If you'd like to reach out feel free to do so, I've included a lot of links in my original post and I'm happy to answer more questions, but as this thread is huge I might miss them here.
Hi CatchTheseWords, Hope your day finds you well. Do you find or have others commented your senses are better than the sighted? For instance do you find people can’t hear things when you can? And if so...ever considered being a super hero? Cheers! I'd love to say it was as easy as just deciding to be a superhero! My other senses aren't any better, I just pay attention to them more.
When you were younger, did other children ever bully you for being blind or take advantage of your blindness to bully you more easily? This happened mostly when I was in primary school.
It's great that you are self-reliant. But I cannot resist assuming there have been people in your life who must have given you the maximum amount of information about the world around you that couldn't have perceived unless you saw it yourself or unless somebody explained it to you. Who are these people and how did they help you understand the world? Honestly mostly it was books. I learnt a lot about body language, or how things look, by reading about them. I'm also very lucky to have lots of people in my life who will answer questions if I ask them. My parents for example have always been very open with information.
And my orientation and mobility teachers who taught me to use a cane, and who encouraged me to explore my environment.
How's the quality on audio description for visual media? Do you feel you're getting a good representation of what's happening on screen? Overall I feel the quality is high, and I usually get the information I need. Having said that, I've no way of knowing if details are left out, because I wouldn't know they were there unless someone told me.
I am a developer who create apps for use. How is modern technology assisting with additional needs for you? Is there additional improvements you see that could help bring internet within your reach easier? Really complying with existing accessibility guidelines is the biggest thing, and conducting accessibility testing. Technology can remove so many barriers, but if it isn't designed to function with assistive technology it can create barriers as well.
What comes to mind when you think of racism? White conservative assholes.
If I’m going through a door and I see a blind person approaching do I hold the door for them? Do I say “I got the door.”? Definitely say you have it, otherwise we're likely to put our hand out for it and find it's not there. It's totally fine to hold the door, equally, if you're in a rush don't feel guilty for not holding it.
i've seen some blind people click their tongues or their fingers to sort of echo locate. kind of like daredevil. i've seen blind people navigate without a cane. can you do that and if so to what extent? Navigation without a cane, unless in an environment like someone's house, is really dangerous. It's not a mark of success or achievement to do that, because with echo location you can still miss a hole in the ground and fall in it.
But yeah, I can echo locate, though mostly I do it passively. So for example by tapping my cane I can use that echo to gain certain information about my environment.
Do you drink alcohol? What is your experience like when/if you have? I do. Usually just the usual embarrassment most people experience.
Who was your best teacher? There were so so many. Honestly I was lucky to have wonderful teachers who all taught me so many things, not just about their particular subject, but life in general.
What software and browser-extensions are you using right now to do this AMA? What is your favorite piece of tech. Firefox, and NVDA is the screenreader. I just use a regular PC and iPhone.
How do you want new people, such as a coworker to ask about your blindness? Just be really open about it. I'd rather someone was direct than was clearly uncomfortable and didn't want to ask. Equally, remember that the person is more than just their blindness, so don't centre it in every conversation.
What does the Cosmos mean to you? Like how do you imagine the Cosmos outside of our own planet? Ask the stars, galaxies and stuff? Do these interest you? It's very, very interesting to me. My greatest disappointment is knowing that I will probably never travel into space and experience it for myself.
Being a sighted person, I sometimes think that sight is too easy to rely on at the expense of other senses. It is so easy to get wrapped up in thoughts and overly rely on sight to function, in a lazy way. Sometimes it's difficult to live in the present moment. When I was 25 a friend would say that I was missing out on life, that I should stop and smell the roses more. I wonder if you struggle with living in the moment? I do. I'm so concerned with my goals I often forget that there is a here and now. I think this is the down side to being so driven.
How are you going to know what I've asked in this question? The same way I wrote my original post.....
the below is a reply to the above
And how is that? Also, what do you think upvote buttons look like? Through a combination of a screenreader, a piece of software that allows blind people to access the computer through synthesised speech output of content on the screen, and touch typing. And I'm not sure, maybe a thumbs up?
When is your favorite language and/or accents? Also, would you mind sharing an embarrassing story? This is my favorite AMA ever. Thank you for doing this! I learnt Spanish, and I really love Latin-American Spanish.
Hmm, honestly my life is a constant string of embarrassing moments, some blind related, some not. I still feel shame when I remember calling a primary school teacher of mine Grandma when I was like 5. I...don't know why. It just happened in the moment. Not like I actually thought she was my grandma.
Could you briefly let us know what it takes for you to record videos and post them to your YouTube channel? At the moment I'm using a USB webcam to record my videos. I'd have to write a long post, or make a video to really show the process. There are lots of small things I have to do.
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https://preview.redd.it/mzub42o239b51.jpg?width=225&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3147376a0d46ed1bfbc1bbc192a6187f99b83759
submitted by 16JJulslow to Home_Made_Fun [link] [comments]


2020.06.19 14:03 autotldr Latest hidden camera sex video

This is the best tl;dr I could make, original reduced by 63%. (I'm a bot)

Police in Germany have arrested 11 people in connection with a nationwide child sex abuse ring, the public prosecutor's office and police in the western city of Münster said in a statement released on Saturday.
The arrests were carried out in the states of North Rhine-Westphalia, Hesse and Lower Saxony, after police uncovered encrypted data from hard drives found hidden in a false ceiling in a basement in Münster, belonging to the young man.
Police said the 27-year-old had been in contact with pedophiles on the Darknet and offered the youngsters for abuse.
Police allege that the mother of the 27-year-old suspect gave him access to the summer house in the knowledge he would use it to abuse children.
Inside had been kitted out with video cameras and other gadgets, according to German public broadcaster WDR. It said police did not want to release images of the inside of the building.
According to the latest crime statistics issued by Germany's Federal Criminal Police Office, 2019 saw a nearly 65% increase in crime related to images of child sexual abuse in the country.
Summary Source | FAQ | Feedback | Top keywords: Police#1 abuse#2 suspect#3 Münster#4 27-year-old#5
Post found in /worldnews, /TruthLeaks, /germany and /europe.
NOTICE: This thread is for discussing the submission topic. Please do not discuss the concept of the autotldr bot here.
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2020.06.03 18:24 Meles_B Latest hidden camera sex video

As technology goes on, MAU should be on the forefront, to defend itself from any adversary trying to harm our way of life, like Russia. To subvert their already futile attempts, we need to integrate new technologies into our cyberwarfare.
Renovation of MACYBERCOM. MAU is willing to turn it’s cyberwarfare division, MACYBERCOM, into a branch with as much significance as Navy, Army or Air Force. It will work for military and civilian operations alike, using it’s significantly increased budget to ensure safety of MAU cyberspace. As a result of increased budget, Fort Meade and other locations of MACYBERCOM recieve major renovation of equipment.
One of such is creation of major, multi-purpose complex built with cooperation from IBM. The first layer is the most mundane one - 500 million$ worth of IBM z20 mainframes, the latest in production. It is more varied in operations than regular supercomputers, and are great for big data interpretation, which will help us in the future.
The second layer is a new supercomputer cluster. Designed for distributed use by multiple agents and researchers, it will be used in AI research and host, rendering, big data analysis, cryptography and more. 8 exaflops of processing power and 1 exabyte of data storage, same as with some of our other projects, should be enough for long enough time.
The third layer is experimental - quantum mainframes. IBM considers that technology is mature enough for supplying the government, and will produce start development of “Richmond” mainframes, first for the government, and then - for special clients and for use in their Q experience service. “Richmond” is a quantum mainframe with 80000 Quantum Volume - a factor which uses both number of qubits in the system and reliability of the machine to determine how powerful is the computer - a step up from qubit measurement. This is thousands of times more powerful than computers before the breakup of USA, and dozens of times more than needed for achieving quantum advantage - and with such power, IBM plans to solve any problem regular computers cannot - including AI fidelity.
Currently, MACYBERCOM will be utilizing 2 of Richmods, delivered by 2030.
AI in cyberwarfare Using spare cybercomputers and other research labs, we will start a massive campaign to introduce AI and neural network into civilian and military operations. We plan to use both large-scale, complex AI as assistants and planners, and small, simple AI as a synonim to “highly efficient program” The project includes:

Deepfakes Taking them further, we will order and implement software to use our extensive computing resources to make 100% fidelity deepfakes, both visual and audio.
We plan to focus on two venues in deepfakes: fully CGI-generated videos, where minimal actor presence is required, and “pre-fabricated”, using mo-cap and\or a living model to use in common situations with maximum fidelity possible. However, even a simple deepfake, with a target’s face on unmodified video, should receive significant fidelity.
Full CGI will be used to simulate:
Sex scandals, modelling believable footage: “hidden cameras in hotel”, “sexual assault proofs”, and other common situations. Camera footage of soldiers of specific military killing civilians, engaging in sexual assault or being shown complicit in various war crimes. Other footage which requires a moving open ground or showing a location, including riots on streets, attacks in open fields, mass protests, and etc.
Pre-fabricated deepfake requires a base model, which then is changed to simulate a different person. It is generally related to politicians giving speeches, showing: A covert camera footage of a politician taking bribe An address to nation form a head of state Order to military from high-rank military officials Other commonly required applications To ease use of deepfakes, MACYBERCOM will create an extensive library of every high-ranking military and political official of the countries which might pose threat for MAU, recording every visual and audio appearance of them for potential use in the future. For a reason majority would recognize, MACYBERCOM has downloaded every video with “watersports” tag from PornHub, internally citing it as “a target practice”.
Quantum cryptography With creation and utilization of quantum computers in MACYBERCOM, we will use them to secure our communications and provide a way to quickly decipher others.
We will contact and task IBM, one of the most advanced technological companies in quantum area, to start R&D of massively available and reliable Quantum-key transmitters, repeaters and receivers. QKD is used to ensure that only those who are permitted to use the communications recieve it. Currently, we will task all our ground communications using fiber optics to be encrypted with QKD, however, we will also plan and set up R&D for satellite-based QKD in the future.
All projects, in total, are planned to take 8B$ of budget and be fully ready by 2030.
submitted by Meles_B to worldpowers [link] [comments]


2020.04.28 07:32 the14thaccount Latest hidden camera sex video

I woke up groggy the next morning. To my relief, the door was closed and I was alone. Comfortable. Far from Nicki’s aggression. Far from this madness in general.
I slid on my Buddy Holly glasses. At peace with the solitude around me… until I saw a letter lying on the dresser. The elaborate scribbled scrawl told me all I needed to know: Nicki had snuck in here during the night. Groaning, I grabbed the letter.
There was the schedule literally spelled out for me: gym, shower, interview. Even a curated wardrobe was included.
I put on the tight gym shorts. The red sleeveless shirt. Upon opening the bedroom door, Bobby Helms’s “Jingle Bell Rock” bombarded me. Not to mention this mansion’s blizzard… I couldn’t help but think how some people would find the holiday playlist a welcome reprieve from the Nickimania usually blasting. But not me. I missed the pop music in the face of this seasonal shit.
Then I hit the gym. The treadmill, the crunches. My meager weightlifting. All under those cameras’ red eyes. Not to mention the bizarre wax figure standing in the corner. The one watching me this whole time: a life-size Roman waxwork. Complete with the blonde wig, messy black dress… that deranged scowl.
Out of breath, I faced my reflection. The giant mirror painted me in a flattering but realistic light. Nicki and Ashley had taken care of me, after all. I looked better than ever. Maybe not the Great Value Zac Efron Nicki was hyping me up to be, but hey, what can I say? Even I was impressed my own appearance.
Turning, I confronted the wax Roman. Her fake eyes met mine. Somehow, I was sure she’d moved ever so slightly. Just enough to turn that female gaze toward me.
I then headed for the shower. The warm water soothed me from this Christmas cold. Now I could really get lost in horror thoughts. In my storyteller wilderness.
Relaxed, I stepped back. Looked toward the metal soap holder… then my unease returned. Intensified.
I saw a red light hidden behind the soap bar. One blocked by a narrow glass case. Maybe I was too tired to notice it last night. More than likely too drunk… but apparently, Nicki had eyes on me the whole time.
Butt I felt aroused amidst the disgust. I couldn’t stop the erection… even when it stemmed from fantasies violating my privacy. But still, where was my dignity? Apparently not enough of it to stop me from modeling in that shower.
In the hallway, the cold hit me hard. Especially when all I had on was the boxers. Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” serenaded my chills. Those voices then returned… I looked toward the last door.
The muffled voices came from there. The fateful room’s light still on. I walked up to the door. Grabbed the handle.
“I told you not to go in there!” came that frenetic scream.
Nicki’s hand grabbed mine. I looked into her fiery eyes. She had on the librarian’s glasses. The red blouse. Her hair pulled back in an unassuming ponytail. Her claws replaced by groomed fingernails. “What the fuck, Rhonnie!”
Under the glare, I crumbled. “I was just curious…”
“Yeah, well, curiosity killed the cat, bitch!” Nicki tossed my hand back to me.
“Well, what happened?” I asked. Still hearing the voices, I waved toward the room. “What’s that noise?”
Behind a cold gaze, Nicki grabbed my wrist in a death grip. “None of your business. Not now!”
I said nothing. Too scared to respond….
“Now get your ass in that bedroom!” Nicki continued. She motioned toward my room. Savoring her power… “Get dressed!”
“My bad…” I responded. But I still listened to her. I walked into my bedroom. Saw my sweater and red khakis laid out for me.
Bing Crosby’s voice echoed everywhere as I snagged the red trousers. Got ready to put them on.
“And what’d I tell you about going to that room!” Nicki’s voice reprimanded me.
Startled, I looked toward the open doorway. Right to the one-and-only Nicki Minaj watching me get dressed.
“I’m sorry!” I said with a laugh.
“Mmm-hmm,” Nicki replied. She leaned against the doorway. Not going anywhere… and neither was that excited gaze of hers. The one that never left my body. “You best start listening to me, Rhonnie.”
Struggling under her hungry eyes, I slid on the pants. “I will!”
I felt her eyes on me the entire time. Nicki never once left this show….
We later got together in the home studio. Both of us in our swivel chairs and with a glass of wine...
The ideas came fast and furious. Some good, some great.
“What about like a sex cult?” Nicki suggested.
“A sex cult?” I joked.
Behind the glasses, Nicki sat up straight. "Is that too realistic?”
I chuckled. “With you, man, anything is possible.”
“We just need to give them something crazy!” Nicki went on. She straightened her blouse. “Like whether it’s a cult or anything crazy I did. Like the pegging, anything hot like that!”
“Awesome. I agree.”
“I’ll be your muse for all things sexy and…” Nicki hunched her shoulders. Angled her head for a murderer’s photo shoot. That killer gaze fixated on me. “Scary."
Uncomfortable, I glanced down at my notebook. “Yeah, there’s so much potential.”
“Oh, definitely.”
I worked up the nerve to face her. Then ask a question that’d been bothering me: “So what was up with the garage?”
Nicki gave me a weird look. “What do you mean?”
“I mean all the weird shit in there? The cars, lockers-”
Nicki scoffed. “Bitch, please…”
“Naw, I’m curious.”
With an indifferent flourish, Nicki waved me off. “Your nosyass shouldn’t worry!”
Like a reporter, I leaned in closer. “So why all the cameras then? The guards?”
Nicki stared at me, her eyes eviscerating my soul. “I done told you, Rhonnie.” She moved in toward my face, holding me captive with that stare. “I value my privacy.”
“So why keep that shit then?"
Chuckling, Nicki leaned back in her seat. “Don’t be so worried, Rhonnie…”
“What?”
Nicki looked right at me. Her inner strength obvious. "I’m a tough girl, Rhonnie! You know that.”
Our brainstorming session ended soon after. To be honest, I had enough macabre material minus the Queen’s input. Even if the session proved entertaining.
That afternoon, I entered the kitchen. And there was Nicki seated on a bar stool. Glued to her phone. The Killers’ “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” the latest on the dancefloor's playlist.
“Hey, boo,” Nicki said to me.
“Hey,” I replied as I grabbed a Dos Equis. “I was just about to start writing. ” I opened the longneck. Still basking in the wine buzz… then I heard more moans and groans. Pleasurable exhalations hitting euphoria…
I looked toward the hallway. Drowning out the Christmas music, Club Staff’s sex sounded closer. Somehow more familiar. I stepped toward Nicki. “Yo, what are you watching?”
Nicki didn’t even try hiding the footage. The HD video of me, her, Ashley, and Kellan engaging in a most wild intimacy. Our own filmed sex tape… For whatever reason, I was on the bottom.
“Whoa, what the fuck!” I yelled.
Cackling, Nicki lowered her phone. “What? I can’t relive the past, bitch?”
“I mean you kept that on your phone?”
Nicki shrugged. “Duh. It’s hot…”
I couldn’t argue. “It’s fun and all, but-"
Nicki stood up and held her phone toward me. Giving me a front row view to a clip of her and Ashley dicking me down with those huge dildos. “If I wanna take a break, Rhonnie, I can. I'm not addicted, bitch.” She then got in my face. A delayed flourish of a finish. I could already smell the wine in her breath. “And I’m the one paying you. Remember?”
I gave her a weak smirk. “Okay…”
“That’s right, boo.”
I waved toward her, annoyed. "So when can I get my phone?”
That wacky Nicki grin appeared. She marched toward the hallway. Her erotica conquering the Christmas music. “Oh, you know the rules, Rhonnie.”
“Well, what about Zoo? When the Hell’s he coming over?”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Nicki started. She stopped and faced me. Her smile still on display. “He’s coming.”
“Yeah but when-”
A chaotic vibration interrupted us. Nicki glanced at her pulsating phone.
“Shit, I gotta get this!” she said. She grinned at me. “Don’t go anywhere!”
Left alone, I looked over at the kitchen bar. At all those drinks.
Swept away by The Killers’ Christmas song, I staggered up to the pink wine bottles. Grabbed the biggest one.
Buried beneath the booze were torn scratch sheets of paper. A rainbow catalog veering between construction paper and sticky notes. The font matched the pattern: notes scrolled in everything from pen, marker, to even crayon.
I placed the wine on the counter. Picked up a cluster of messages.
Judging by the writing, no way these were the musings of one person. The handwriting was different on each and every message. The emotions different: Greatest xperience eva! I ain’t ever leaving!! I <3 Nicki Minaj Nickis bitch
Battling the unease, I took another swig. But still couldn’t shake the increasing chills.
Then one pink note in particular caught my eye. Brought about waves of anxiety… and sweet nostalgia. I recognized Ashley’s scrawl immediately. Her excellent grammar: Ashley And Rhonnie Forever! We love you, Nicki!
I put the beer down. Picked up my love’s note. Felt adrenaline rush through me. Heard Ashley’s beaming voice as I read it once more… Fuck, I missed her.
Grinning, I slid the letter into my pocket. A cherished memento from our stay at Nicki’s resort… My eyes then went back to this hidden collection. To the white sheet of paper lying under Ash’s message…
In an instant, my romantic remembrance vanished. All of it conquered by fear.
HELP ME read the scribbled touch of a pencil’s panic. The big, bold letters screamed those words. Underlined for emphasis. The message too terrifying not to be genuine…
I grabbed the piece of paper. Got a closer inspection at the all-too-real horror. The reality that everything wasn’t Utopia. Not for everyone, at least...
I downed the Dos Equis. But my buzz didn’t soothe the restless tension.
My eyes scanned the other notes. This scared detective confirming his instincts: there were just too many subtle differences. Too many eccentricities for Nicki and her personalities to have written all these. Especially now that I had Ashley’s note for evidence.
From the dancefloor, The Killers faded out. And in the brief silence came the many voices. Those muffled shouts and cries…
I turned toward the hallway. The sounds obviously coming from Club Staff. The Forbidden Room. Nicki’s wax museum. Her lair of wild dreams and nightmares.
Still clinging to the eerie note, I sensed my opportunity. Somehow gathering courage amidst the anxiety, I rushed into the dark hallway. Saw the only light here coming from beneath that final door.
The coast was clear. No one was around... Just me and whomever lurked inside that room. And as I got closer, the voices grew louder. More excited.
For once, the fear chilled me more than Nicki’s arctic A/C. But I still kept going. Reached out toward the knob.
The sudden struts of a guitar made me jump. So did Elvis Presley’s crooning… Startled, I looked down the hall. Glaring on at “Blue Christmas” now playing on the dancefloor.
Recovering from the scare, I turned my attention toward the door. Reached out once more.
“Rhonnie, what is you doing!” rang Nicki’s siren cry through the darkness. The Queen’s voice all power and attitude. Just like her firm grip snatching my arm.
Scared again, I whirled around. “Shit!”
Nicki’s smirk greeted me. As did her latest costume change: a black Strokes tee and skintight white pants. With no make-up and a shorter red wig, Onika Maraj looked dressed for an underground rock show. How she changed so fast, how she appeared so quick behind me still remains a mystery to this day. Not to mention where the fuck did she keep getting all these wigs and where did she keep them? But in that surreall moment, I was just glad she wasn’t wearing that fucking strap...
Nicki waved at her shirt with excitement to spare. “You like it? You’re a Strokes fan, right?”
The letter in my hand grabbed my gaze. “Yeah…” I held the message toward Nicki. “What the Hell is this!”
Caught off guard, Nicki’s grin disappeared. Her suspicion set in.
“I found this in the kitchen,” I said.
In a fierce instant, Nicki snatched the sheet. Read the note.
“I just wanna know who wrote it,” I continued.
Feigning indifference, Nicki tossed it to the ground. “It’s nothing, I wrote that shit.”
For once, her performance lacked emotion. Gone was the confidence.. her biggest strength.
I flashed a nervous smile. “No, you didn’t! There’s no fucking way!”
Nicki placed a hand to her temple. Avoiding eye contact. At war with her own invasive thoughts.
“I found the note Ashley left too,” I said. “I found all of them! I mean why’d someone write ‘help me,’ Nicki! Goddamn!”
Nicki stayed silent. There was no word. No explanation.
I leaned toward her. “That’s fucking crazy! I mean just-”
Staying strong in the face of my fake toughness, Nicki looked right at me. “Chill, Rhonnie.”
“But I wanna know-”
“Do you think anyone would ever wanna leave here?” Like a dismissive diva, she pushed me back. “Seriously, Rhonnie?”
Scoffing, I pointed toward the note. “Well, someone did apparently!”
“Just think about you and Ashley!” Nicki then flashed that taunting smile. “Y’all’s asses know you didn’t wanna leave!”
I hesitated in the cold. Let “Blue Christmas” continue through the hallway. The mansion. And deep down, I knew I had no response. Nicki was right.
Sensing my weakness, Nicki took an aggressive step toward me. Her pretty face matching mine. “You know I’m right, don’t you,” she cooed. In a slow lunge, Nicki ran her hands along my chest. Leaned in toward my ear for a sensual purrr….
The memories hit me hard. Flashbacks to the ferocious sex. Me, Ash, Nicki, Kellan. Our weeks of fun. Our thrist constantly quenched in this erotic paradise.
“You and Ashley still wanna come back,” Nicki teased in a gentle tone. She squeezed my ass. And got closer to my lips. “Y’all still miss me…”
I smelt the sweet wine in her breath. The booze helping us both lose control.
“We do...” I said. Now I ran my hands up and down Nicki’s majestic body. Felt along the smooth skin. The plastic… The best implants money can buy.
Our bodies collided. Swaying to the rhythm of “Blue Christmas.” Our souls stirred into a happy hysteria.
Nicki’s grin grew wider. “I missed y’all too…”
She gave me a drunken kiss. And I damn sure returned the favor. Gladly still clinging to my ass, Nicki’s other hand went down toward my crotch.
I lost control. The excitement too much.
“Rhonnie, get Ashley,” Nicki said between kisses. She draped her hands around my neck. “Stay here forevvverrrr…”
Smiling, I looked on at those brown eyes. Their mischievous glint. “I’ll think about it-”
A bombastic beat crushed Elvis’s crooning. Loud and obnoxious. A hip-hop air strike had hit Christmas.
I immediately recognized the song. And immediately cringed.
Cackling, Nicki leaned back. “Oh shit!”
I groaned. “Fuck, ‘Anaconda’? “Really?”
“Yes!”
Amidst the pop assault, Nicki pulled me in closer toward her. Another sloppy kiss accompanied this grating tune. The Queen’s hands went wild over my body. The song getting better as the make-out session continued. The intensity matching the incessant rhythm of “Anaconda.”
Nicki held me back. Her female gaze salivating me. The smile starving for more.
Grooving and shaking to the beat, I gave her a smug, seductive smirk. Pleased to have Nicki’s spotlight. “Hey,” I quipped.
Then Mrs. Majesty made her move. Lunging forward, Nicki was fast and quick. Her hands latched on to my arms.
“Whoa!” I joked.
Crying out, Nicki threw me up against the wall. Her sheer strength sent me into it hard… leaving me pinned to it.
There were some nerves. Not to mention a rising thrill. I turned and looked back at it. At Nicki.
Armed with that madcap grin, she descended upon me. Her fingers itching to grab. Her steps aligned with the song… As if she were pantomiming and acting out her own twisted music video. But that sly voice shined through. Even over the deafening soundtrack. Nicki’s excitement too high at this point...
“Oh my Gosh....” she said in a robotic melody. “Look at her butt…”
I was too drunk to move. But still enthralled… erect beyond belief. Here I was Nicki’s prisoner once more. At her manic mercy.
Smirking in silence, I let her tear off my sweater.
“Oh my Gosh, look at her butt,” Nicki kept singing. Those same lyrics repeated in a sexy mantra… Getting me all the more hot. The collision of the song and Nicki’s performance hypnotized me. I gave in to her fantasy… and my own.
Nicki pulled my pants down. Into the music, I grooved. Shook at her touch. All while she yanked off the khakis, then my tight boxers. I held my feet out, letting Nicki slide the socks off. She had me nude. Just as she wanted me.
Still singing along, Nicki pushed me further down. Bending me over… I felt those white pants fasten against my popped out ass. Felt her fasten those clamps of fingers to my hips.
Swaying to the reckless rhythm, Nicki’s passionate thrusts matched the song. One hit after the other...
“My anaconda don’t!” Nicki hollered. “My anaconda don’t!”
I closed my eyes and moaned. The sensations so amazing. Nicki didn’t even need a dildo to fuck hard. She had too much power as is.
Enjoying the show, Nicki moved my ass back-and-forth. Making me twerk on that crotch. Nicki getting the lapdance of her dreams. Not that I was complaining... Being her personal stripper was nothing new for either of us.
Continuing the concert, Nicki sang in a playful tone. Her voice so energetic and full of delight it overtook the fucking record. And only stopping for those dominant grunts. Nicki leaned in next to my ear. “This dude named Michael used to ride motorcycles…”
My breathing got heavier. In awe of Nicki’s poise. Behind aroused eyes, I watched her grab a hold of my big dick. All while she kept pounding away in this delirious dry humping. Nicki a Goddamn athlete.
“Dick bigger than a tower,” the Queen continued as she tugged on my cock for emphatic emphasis. “I ain’t talking about Eiffel’s…”
Something moist hit my ass. The crashes were repetitive and heavy. Nicki got out of control. A sexbot on the verge of exploding.
I moaned once more. Until Nicki’s hand covered my mouth. But she still kept going. I moved along with her. Shaking my ass to her delight.
“Real country-ass nigga, let me play with his rifle,” Nicki sang. “Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil…” In a wild flourish, she licked my face. A serpent’s tongue all along my smooth skin.
And the show went on. Through every lyric, every thrust. I gave in to the rap Goddess’s every move. Not to mention to her amazing stamina. Here I was sweating in the cold. Still erect. Still twerking...
At the fadeout, Nicki’s cackling hit overdrive. Her histrionics natural. She staggered back and gave my ass a passionate smack.
Exhausted, I turned and looked back at the Queen. At her triumphant smile. The colossal wet stain on the crotch of those white pants… An ocean of desire.
Another haunting rap beat started. Nicki’s “Get On Your Knees” began playing. A song reverberating through my mind. My body.
Nicki ran her hands down her pants in a sensual taunt. “Ooh, bring that ass here, baby.”
Gasping for breath, I staggered to my feet. Still naked. Still recovering from being dicked down.
“You should’ve been here all along,” Nicki continued.
I turned my attention to Club Staff. My mystery powered through… even in the post-sex bliss.
Nicki reached toward me. “Come here, baby.”
Avoiding her touch, I stumbled toward the room. Without the strap, at least my ass wasn’t in too much pain.
“Rhonnie!” I heard Nicki shout. “Don’t go in there!”
Over Nicki’s recorded harmonies and all-too-live screams, I could hear those voices. The cryptic chorus behind door number three. I snatched the knob. Glad to find it unlocked.
Behind me, I heard Nicki chase after me. “Bring that ass here!” she commanded.
I swung the door open and rushed inside. Being back in Club Staff ended my drunk disorientation. Not from reflective warmth but from the strange sight sprawling before me…
Nervous, I stopped in the middle of the room. The pink walls were still flawless. The antique jukebox still timeless. And from here I saw the secret room, its door wide open. Ashley and I’s personal suite…
The other wax figures were spread out like a staged party scene. Nicki Minaj by way of the Uncanny Valley. There was nerdy Nicki, tomboy Nicki. All aspects of the artist’s personality.
Both the pink dildo and red blouse were lying on the ground. The glasses she wore earlier. Wigs piled up in a colorful conglomeration. Club Staff now Nicki’s dressing room for all those costume changes. And also the site of her darkest desires.
But these familiar sights did little to soothe my dread. Still doused in sweat, I felt Nicki’s literal drip slide off my ass... Somehow, Nicki had shocked me once more. Scared me with the secrets of her forbidden room.
Open laptops were arranged on all those large tables. Rows and rows of them leading up to a large demigod of a flatscreen. The room featuring an electrical cult ceremony…
What they showed were live feeds. HD footage clearly taken from all these fucking cameras. In rooms I’d never seen. Areas of Nicki’s home and property I never knew existed. Many of the rooms from the sheds out back, I figured.
Strangers stayed on those screens. Attractive men and women, ranging from young adults to senior citizens. But they were all hot… All of them either stripped down or dressed in the nice fashion I knew Nicki picked out. They were her community. The Barbz she really wanted.
Most of these hottiees were engaged in sex. The mics made that much clear. There was everything: missionary, pegging, three-ways, Devil’s Threesomes, guy-on-guy. Whatever your hungry heart desired. Whatever the Hell Nicki wanted.
With several clips taking place at night, I knew the Queen had recorded everything. Not so much for security or surveillance. Just for herself.
In the videos, I recognized a few faces, the bodyguards amongst them. And of course, I recognized Kellan and his large dick. He was in a room of four, using the same playbook me, him, Ash, and Nicki perfected.
The same playbook I saw broadcast on that flatscreen. The footage showed the four of us from just a few months ago. The four of us having the sex of our lives. We must’ve really been amongst Nicki’s favs to be her star attraction…
Sure, I was disturbed. But nostalgia crept in upon seeing us on the silver screen. I gotta say I missed Kellan. Not to mention he was a long way from Trinidad… But maybe to him, the Minaj mansion was home. We did have our fun, after all.
But the romanticism died soon after seeing one laptop showing me in the lair. Showing me right now. In the nude. I now noticed several cameras dangling down from the ceiling, filming my fear.
More vivid glows emanated from the secret room. Undoubtedly there was more where this came from…
I now realized Nicki Minaj was a mirage. A sexially-explicit illusion used to draw in the thirstiest men and women. A Venus flytrap for Onika Maraj’s most depraved pleasures.
But still I needed to see more... Even over the chilling epiphany, curiosity compelled me. I charged up to the secret room. Until a certain singing stopped me.
I whirled around to face Nicki. She stood tall and defiant. Regardless of the striking stain, she didn’t look trashy. She wore that wet vagina well. After all, that crotch certainly didn’t feel like a pussy at times...
And all the while, Nicki sang along to the chorus of “Get On Your Knees.” A sly smile accompanying her flow. Her joy.
An intimate audience, I watched her the whole way through. This was Nicki The Artist and she sounded even better live. More natural. More raw.
As the track faded out, Nicki nodded toward the laptops. “You know they wanna be here, Rhonnie.” She strutted up to me.
Like looking at a much prettier Medusa, I turned to stone. Held in place by the beauty. The charisma.
“No one’s being held against their will,” Nicki continued. She stole an admiring glance at my cock before looking into my green eyes. “That’s their shit cars they left in the garage. Their shit clothes in the lockers. Their shit lives they left behind.”
“But still… it’s not right,” I struggled to say. “It’s weird.”
Soothing me, Nicki ran a hand along my arm. “They just wanted to be happy, Rhonnie. That’s all.”
I couldn’t respond. Naked and in front of Nicki, I was conflicted. Torn between the seduction and slavery.
Nicki leaned in closer. “I didn’t want you to see till you were ready.” She caressed my face. Her touch so… warm. “Till you and Ashley were here.” Her other hand clinged to my thigh.
Quiet, I ran my fingers through Nicki’s short hair. “Regret In Your Tears” next on Nicki’s always-appropriate soundtrack. This setlist always in sync with our current mood.
“I didn’t want y’all to get scared,” Nicki went on. Her hand drifted down to my ass. For another sensual squeeze. “That was all, Rhonnie.”
I pulled away from her. “Naw, I can’t…”
Forcing a cackle, Nicki grabbed my arm. Her demeanor drunk, her mannerisms driven by madness. “Rhonnie, look!” She pointed toward the station of so many screens. “I dress them well, they get to live with me!” Selling herself well, Nicki felt along her well-endowed chest. “They get to be with me, baby…” She lunged in closer, inches away from my face. “And that should’ve been you and Ashley!”
Now I yanked my arm back. “No! This isn’t right, Nicki! You’re asking us to give up everything! We’ve got fucking lives, man! I wanna write!”
Nicki’s smile stagnated. “And you can… You can write about me.” She pointed across the room. Of course, right at that huge dildo. “And spend more time with that!” She grabbed on to my shoulders. “Me, you, and Ash. Kellan. It’ll be just like old times, babe.”
“I can’t.” Struggling against that strength, I finally managed to escape her grips once more.
A glower overtook Nicki’s face. “What do you think this is then, Rhonnie!”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“This house! Me, bitch!”
Never had I seen her get this pissed. Sure, maybe crazy as Hell. Maybe psychosexual but not fucking angry.
Nicki pointed at herself. ”I’m the reason they wanna come! I bring them here, I keep them happy! They make me happy! I’m their fucking queen, Rhonnie! I make them want me, you understand!” She got in my face. But I was already scared into obedience. “Just like I did to you and Ashley!” She pointed to her head. “It’s in here, Rhonnie.” Immediately, she gravitated to that body. “And all here, baby! It’s got nothing to do with Onika! Nothing to do with me, the girl from Queens! The crazy family, the tragedies. It’s the way I look, Rhonnie! The ass and titties! The sex. Fucking. Sells.”
The height difference didn’t matter. Not now. Nicki stared me down hard. From both lust and anger. The dangerous ends of both emotions. I shivered under that spare. Nicki knowing full well she had me under her spell.
“What’s going on?” a deep voice rivaling mine asked.
We both turned. And well, Nicki’s excited smile contrasted my shock.
There was the man of the hour: Zoo. He stood a few feet away from us. His naked body no longer too surreal a sight in this freaky fortress. He was a handsome guy. Much taller than us. Much more sculpted than me A pretty prisoner both in the past and now. Kenneth checked off most of Nicki’s boxes: tough, thicc, and well-hung. Somehow, him and I had both managed to stay erect. Maybe there was something in the mansion’s air. But now Zoo’s glare stayed on me. The dude likely to break me by hand or dick…
Nicki’s grin hit sitcom levels. “Hey, baby!” she gushed. Drawn to her man, she rushed over and hugged him.
But Kenneth and I’s staredown wasn’t going anywhere.
“Is that the writer guy?” he asked Nicki.
“Yeah, that’s Rhonnie!” she beamed.
They fixated their gazes on me. There we were, the three of us with our dicks hanging out. Well, with Nicki’s lying closeby.
Through the tense silence, all we heard was the Minaj playlist. And the sounds of her prisoners. Their pleasurable moans and cries a constant off those laptops. Of course, I recognized my own exhalations on that flatscreen. God knows what the Hell I was taking in that clip...
Nicki pulled Kenneth closer toward her. Her man definitely lacked her enthusiasm. “He’s the one writing about us, Zoo!” she exclaimed. “And I’m helping him out! He’s gonna make us even more famous!”
“So I’ve heard,” he replied. His hands stayed by his side. Ready for any false move from rhonnie14.
“Ain’t that right, Rhonnie!” Nicki said. Her wicked gaze settled in on me. “You’re gonna write so many crazy stories, right.”
Reaching into the recesses of my soul, I found some half-ass courage. “I’m writing the truth, Nicki,” I finally said. I waved toward the laptops. “I’m writing about all this! The people you got here, the ones you’ve got trapped! Your prisoners!”
Needless to say, Zoo wasn’t amused. His glare now more permanent than Nicki’s glowing smile. But now Nicki was no different. She had no chance at hiding the rage boiling within.
“I’m telling the truth!” I yelled.
Nicki took a ferocious step toward me.
Trying to restrain her, Zoo grabbed the Queen’s arm. “Nicki-”
But nothing could stop her. Not even Zoo’s impressive muscles. Nicki bulldozed on by. Straight for me.
Oh fuck, I thought...
Nicki put a finger to my face. “And do you think anyone’s gonna believe you, motherfucker!”
I stayed quiet. Yeah, I was a chickenshit.
“I’ll just tell them you’re some fucking creep obsessed with me!” Nicki continued. “No one will buy what the fuck some random horror writer has to say! Yo ass look like you’re sixteen anyway!”
Crumbling under her irate pressure, I shrugged my shoulders. “That’s a compliment...”
“Shut the fuck up!” Nicki yelled.
I locked eyes with Zoo. Even he was keeping his distance from her.
“Yeah, listen to Nicki!” he added.
Nicki gave me a light shove. The glare slicing into me like a knife. “So you go write your goofy fucking stories! Pimp my name to the horror crowd! They’ll wanna be with the Queen too, boo! You know that!”
“You got him, Nicki,” I heard Zoo chime in.
Giving me her patented stank face, Nicki walked back toward her husband. Leaving me in an awkward, uneasy state.
I watched Nicki drape her arm around Zoo’s waist. Her outburst now veering toward a manic melancholy. “You should’ve stayed, you and Ashley both!” Nicki said. I saw her grab on to Kenneth’s ass. “Y’all’d have been the Paula Patton and Zac Efron in here. All for me…”
Doing his best to be supportive, Zoo held on to her tight. Caressed Nicki’s shoulder. Anything to stay on her sweet side.
Now Nicki’s performance hit pathos. Somehow, I felt sorry for her. Sympathy even in the face of millions and nothing but pretty people surrounding her.
“Y’all should’ve just stayed!” she said in a trembling voice. The emotions erupted. Shielding her eyes, she turned away.
I took a calm step toward her. “I can’t stay Nicki. We just can’t.”
Both Nicki and Zoo confronted me. They showed their hurt physically. Their wounds within. The dark side of being a social media freakshow.
Nicki showed teardrops. Wearing her usual melodramatic make-up, she’d have resembled a crying clown. But not when she was just dressed as herself… Not when she was Onika. A lonely, young woman simultaneously vindicated and destroyed by her own fucking dream.
Concerned, I ran a hand through my swoop. Kept an appropriate distance from the distraught couple. “What’s this really about, man?” I asked, forcing my voice at a chill calm. “Nicki, maybe you should talk to someone.”
That glare flashed through Mrs. Majesty’s tears.
“You just need to get some help,” I struggled to say. “There’s nothing wrong with that-”
“Help!?” Nicki shouted. She pulled away from Zoo. All her weeping eyes on me. “I don’t need any help, Rhonnie! I need people to fucking care!”
A worried Zoo reached toward her. “Babe.” This was the side of Kenneth I’d never seen. Unlike Nicki, he was no performer or actor. Just a caring husband to one of the most complex personalities in Hollyweird.
Nicki held him back. Instead, her attention stayed on me. The stare sharpened. Her defensiveness a weak disguise for those insecurities galore. “That’s all I want, Rhonnie! I love my fans, the real fans!”
“I know,” I said. “I wasn’t trying to-”
“But that’s not what people want!” Nicki cried. The floodgate of tears burst. Here was a woman on the verge of a brutal breakdown. A sad glimpse behind the bravado. Nicki the beautiful diva facing fate and alienation. “They want the big titty bitch! That’s it!” She pointed toward that ‘perfect’ figure. “They don’t care about me! The lyrics or the drive! It’s this! I just want someone to look past that! Someone like you! Lile Ashley!” She snatched Kenneth’s hand in a loving grip. “And Zoo… Y’all need to stay with me for more! For the music!”
Zoo and I made quick eye contact. I imagine we didn’t have much in common other than worrying over Nicki’s mental state… but that was bond enough.
Like a Shakespearean monologue, Nicki continued spilling her guts. The raw emotion on display. Whatever warts and all could be on those perfect physical features. “It’s why I do this!” She waved toward her body. “The surgeries, the make-up! I can’t get anyone to just listen!”
“But Nicki, there’s plenty of us,” I said. “Hell, I like the music!”
“It’s just sex, Rhonnie! Like I told you!” Nicki stared right at me. “That’s all they care about at the end of the day.” She waved toward the laptops. Nicki’s movements so fast and frenetic, her boobs could’ve caused an earthquake. Just as much as her morose expression would elicit heartbreak. “It’s why I don’t give a fuck about those sluts and shrimp-dicked idiots just getting off to me! They can’t understand me like you! Like all the people I bring here can!”
“There’s more of us though, Nicki. I swear! We don’t have to stay here to support you, man. We’re everywhere!”
“I just want them to like me for the music! The talent! Not the sex, not the bullshit!” Lost in her sorrow, Nicki turned away. Wiped off those countless tears. “I can’t do anything as a female rapper… I can’t be a Pac or Ye. I have to be the hot bitch… You don’t understand, Rhonnie. I never wanted it like this!”
Zoo grabbed her shoulder. “Yo, babe-”
Possessed by passion, Nicki swatted his hand away. She screamed aloud. Into the air. Into her own crazed soul. Exorcist Nicki her latest personality. Then those maniacal sights settled in on me. “I don’t need help, Rhonnie! I need supporters! People who like me for who I am! For who I fucking * really* am! I need them with me twenty-four seven, Rhonnie!”
Fighting my own tears, I stepped toward her. “And I do. Ashley and I both-”
“Then stay!”
Nicki’s anguish made me stop. All while it ate me alive. Maybe I knew Nicki more than most. But here I was wanting her to be okay... Here I was desperate to reassure the Queen of hip-hop.
“Stay here forever!” Nicki yelled.
I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicki. I can’t.”
With weary defeat, Nicki shook her head. Each and every tear nothing but bullets piercing into my naked flesh.
Zoo ran a hand along her arm. “Nicki. Hey-”
Nicki stormed out. Off stage and away from her erotic island. She never said goodbye. Never gave me that bright smile. For someone with her talent and dictionary, she didn’t say shit.
Feeling guilty, I watched Nicki adjust her pants. Adjust the stain sticking to her skin… And then she was gone. A gorgeous witch disappearing into the night.
The catchy Nicki tunes still played. Not to mention the enthusiastic voices still blasting off those feeds. But Kenneth and I may as well have stood in silence. So thick the tension was.
He finally looked at me. His stare was smoldering, intense. “Get the fuck out.”
Put on the spot, I glanced around the room. At the sex videos. Then at my own naked body. With a nervous smile, I confronted Zoo. Shrugged my shoulders. “Can I at least put my boxers on?”
I got to put on the nice clothes Nicki stripped from me. Got my bag, got an Uber for LAX, and got the fuck out of there. All on Nicki’s tab, thankfully.
Now I sat alone at the airport. Waiting on a two A.M. flight… All alone in my corner. No one was around me this late. The cold isolation here like a cavern. Not even the Christmas wreaths and trees could soothe me.
Holding my phone, I tried to pass the time. Tried to keep my mind off the bizarre Nicki encounter. I just had to put on Bruce. Now blasting “No Surrender” through my earbuds and into my rattled mind. Scared that playing any Nicki would be a siren call luring my ass back to her place… Her world.
That being said, the long wait left me in reflection. Nicki wasn’t wrong on any count. To quote one of her more obnoxious tracks, we were all just beez in the trap. Caught up in her lore, her talent. And yes, the insane beauty. But what unsettled me most was how she related it to me. You see, Nicki spelled out her personal dilemma. Fuck it, she even related the twisted reality to me. And Nicki was right all along. Regardless of how much she liked creeping on my Reddit porn accounts, she had a point. I had more fans piling in there for a pic I took in seconds rather than a story I poured my heart and soul into. A situation no different than Nicki’s more serious jams getting shunned in favor of twerking and brainless exploitation. Sex sells, man. No matter her personality, Nicki wasn’t wrong about that. Call it my What Price, Hollywood? moment… All courtesy of Onika Maraj.
And through the thoughts, my phone kept buzzing. Now here came call number three from Nicki. I chose to ignore it. I couldn’t face her this soon. Not after the unsettling encounters and her unsettling set-up. After the harrowing breakdown, I couldn’t answer her. I wouldn’t answer that call, I plead to my nervous self in an internal intervention.
And all the while, I texted Ashley. Told her how much I loved her. How I couldn’t wait to see her. Our bond rekindled to first-month glories until she sent me a new text: You should’ve stayed!
I looked on at the message, uneasy.
Then came Ash’s quick follow-up: Go back and I’ll come! :)
The fear returned. Nicki had been hypnotizing me. And apparently, she’d long had Ash under control. “What…” I said.
Overtaking my screen was another incessant call: Nicki. Who knew how drunk or high she was? Much less lonely.
Don’t answer, I reminded myself. Don’t give in.
Forcing myself, I silenced the call. Then sat there in awkward silence. In a quiet dread I couldn’t identify. Or control.
Just when I needed it, Bruce left me. My rallying cry of “No Surrender” gone. My whole Goddamn support system.
I texted Ashley back: Are you sure? I think we should wait, boo…
Her reply appeared immediately: YES! GO THERE NOW, STU-STU!
I stared on at her message. Her demand. Her eager euphoria. Here I was caught between arousal and disappointment. And at the end of the day I had no say in this weird, wild mess. Ash did.
Seconds later came a new text message. Not from Ashley but Nicki: Come back over, Rhonnie
The next SMS bullet hit me: I miss y’all already ;)
Another one appeared: Again
“Shit…” I said to myself. I got ready to ignore the message. This was Rhonnie’s last stand against the impulses. The thirst.
Until my phone pulsated to life. The call so ferocious I almost missed Nicki’s next text: I talked to Ashley!!! <3 :p
And that was when I laid eyes on the caller ID: on my girlfriend’s number. The death sentence to my attempt at defiance. As always.
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2020.03.27 08:36 rhonnie14 Latest hidden camera sex video

Part 2
I woke up groggy the next morning. To my relief, the door was closed and I was alone. Comfortable. Far from Nicki’s aggression. Far from this madness in general.
I slid on my Buddy Holly glasses. At peace with the solitude around me… until I saw a letter lying on the dresser. The elaborate scribbled scrawl told me all I needed to know: Nicki had snuck in here during the night. Groaning, I grabbed the letter.
There was the schedule literally spelled out for me: gym, shower, interview. Even a curated wardrobe was included.
I put on the tight gym shorts. The red sleeveless shirt. Upon opening the bedroom door, Bobby Helms’s “Jingle Bell Rock” bombarded me. Not to mention this mansion’s blizzard… I couldn’t help but think how some people would find the holiday playlist a welcome reprieve from the Nickimania usually blasting. But not me. I missed the pop music in the face of this seasonal shit.
Then I hit the gym. The treadmill, the crunches. My meager weightlifting. All under those cameras’ red eyes. Not to mention the bizarre wax figure standing in the corner. The one watching me this whole time: a life-size Roman waxwork. Complete with the blonde wig, messy black dress… that deranged scowl.
Out of breath, I faced my reflection. The giant mirror painted me in a flattering but realistic light. Nicki and Ashley had taken care of me, after all. I looked better than ever. Maybe not the Great Value Zac Efron Nicki was hyping me up to be, but hey, what can I say? Even I was impressed my own appearance.
Turning, I confronted the wax Roman. Her fake eyes met mine. Somehow, I was sure she’d moved ever so slightly. Just enough to turn that female gaze toward me.
I then headed for the shower. The warm water soothed me from this Christmas cold. Now I could really get lost in horror thoughts. In my storyteller wilderness.
Relaxed, I stepped back. Looked toward the metal soap holder… then my unease returned. Intensified.
I saw a red light hidden behind the soap bar. One blocked by a narrow glass case. Maybe I was too tired to notice it last night. More than likely too drunk… but apparently, Nicki had eyes on me the whole time.
Butt I felt aroused amidst the disgust. I couldn’t stop the erection… even when it stemmed from fantasies violating my privacy. But still, where was my dignity? Apparently not enough of it to stop me from modeling in that shower.
In the hallway, the cold hit me hard. Especially when all I had on was the boxers. Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” serenaded my chills. Those voices then returned… I looked toward the last door.
The muffled voices came from there. The fateful room’s light still on. I walked up to the door. Grabbed the handle.
“I told you not to go in there!” came that frenetic scream.
Nicki’s hand grabbed mine. I looked into her fiery eyes. She had on the librarian’s glasses. The red blouse. Her hair pulled back in an unassuming ponytail. Her claws replaced by groomed fingernails. “What the fuck, Rhonnie!”
Under the glare, I crumbled. “I was just curious…”
“Yeah, well, curiosity killed the cat, bitch!” Nicki tossed my hand back to me.
“Well, what happened?” I asked. Still hearing the voices, I waved toward the room. “What’s that noise?”
Behind a cold gaze, Nicki grabbed my wrist in a death grip. “None of your business. Not now!”
I said nothing. Too scared to respond….
“Now get your ass in that bedroom!” Nicki continued. She motioned toward my room. Savoring her power… “Get dressed!”
“My bad…” I responded. But I still listened to her. I walked into my bedroom. Saw my sweater and red khakis laid out for me.
Bing Crosby’s voice echoed everywhere as I snagged the red trousers. Got ready to put them on.
“And what’d I tell you about going to that room!” Nicki’s voice reprimanded me.
Startled, I looked toward the open doorway. Right to the one-and-only Nicki Minaj watching me get dressed.
“I’m sorry!” I said with a laugh.
“Mmm-hmm,” Nicki replied. She leaned against the doorway. Not going anywhere… and neither was that excited gaze of hers. The one that never left my body. “You best start listening to me, Rhonnie.”
Struggling under her hungry eyes, I slid on the pants. “I will!”
I felt her eyes on me the entire time. Nicki never once left this show….
We later got together in the home studio. Both of us in our swivel chairs and with a glass of wine...
The ideas came fast and furious. Some good, some great.
“What about like a sex cult?” Nicki suggested.
“A sex cult?” I joked.
Behind the glasses, Nicki sat up straight. "Is that too realistic?”
I chuckled. “With you, man, anything is possible.”
“We just need to give them something crazy!” Nicki went on. She straightened her blouse. “Like whether it’s a cult or anything crazy I did. Like the pegging, anything hot like that!”
“Awesome. I agree.”
“I’ll be your muse for all things sexy and…” Nicki hunched her shoulders. Angled her head for a murderer’s photo shoot. That killer gaze fixated on me. “Scary."
Uncomfortable, I glanced down at my notebook. “Yeah, there’s so much potential.”
“Oh, definitely.”
I worked up the nerve to face her. Then ask a question that’d been bothering me: “So what was up with the garage?”
Nicki gave me a weird look. “What do you mean?”
“I mean all the weird shit in there? The cars, lockers-”
Nicki scoffed. “Bitch, please…”
“Naw, I’m curious.”
With an indifferent flourish, Nicki waved me off. “Your nosyass shouldn’t worry!”
Like a reporter, I leaned in closer. “So why all the cameras then? The guards?”
Nicki stared at me, her eyes eviscerating my soul. “I done told you, Rhonnie.” She moved in toward my face, holding me captive with that stare. “I value my privacy.”
“So why keep that shit then?"
Chuckling, Nicki leaned back in her seat. “Don’t be so worried, Rhonnie…”
“What?”
Nicki looked right at me. Her inner strength obvious. "I’m a tough girl, Rhonnie! You know that.”
Our brainstorming session ended soon after. To be honest, I had enough macabre material minus the Queen’s input. Even if the session proved entertaining.
That afternoon, I entered the kitchen. And there was Nicki seated on a bar stool. Glued to her phone. The Killers’ “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” the latest on the dancefloor's playlist.
“Hey, boo,” Nicki said to me.
“Hey,” I replied as I grabbed a Dos Equis. “I was just about to start writing. ” I opened the longneck. Still basking in the wine buzz… then I heard more moans and groans. Pleasurable exhalations hitting euphoria…
I looked toward the hallway. Drowning out the Christmas music, Club Staff’s sex sounded closer. Somehow more familiar. I stepped toward Nicki. “Yo, what are you watching?”
Nicki didn’t even try hiding the footage. The HD video of me, her, Ashley, and Kellan engaging in a most wild intimacy. Our own filmed sex tape… For whatever reason, I was on the bottom.
“Whoa, what the fuck!” I yelled.
Cackling, Nicki lowered her phone. “What? I can’t relive the past, bitch?”
“I mean you kept that on your phone?”
Nicki shrugged. “Duh. It’s hot…”
I couldn’t argue. “It’s fun and all, but-"
Nicki stood up and held her phone toward me. Giving me a front row view to a clip of her and Ashley dicking me down with those huge dildos. “If I wanna take a break, Rhonnie, I can. I'm not addicted, bitch.” She then got in my face. A delayed flourish of a finish. I could already smell the wine in her breath. “And I’m the one paying you. Remember?”
I gave her a weak smirk. “Okay…”
“That’s right, boo.”
I waved toward her, annoyed. "So when can I get my phone?”
That wacky Nicki grin appeared. She marched toward the hallway. Her erotica conquering the Christmas music. “Oh, you know the rules, Rhonnie.”
“Well, what about Zoo? When the Hell’s he coming over?”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Nicki started. She stopped and faced me. Her smile still on display. “He’s coming.”
“Yeah but when-”
A chaotic vibration interrupted us. Nicki glanced at her pulsating phone.
“Shit, I gotta get this!” she said. She grinned at me. “Don’t go anywhere!”
Left alone, I looked over at the kitchen bar. At all those drinks.
Swept away by The Killers’ Christmas song, I staggered up to the pink wine bottles. Grabbed the biggest one.
Buried beneath the booze were torn scratch sheets of paper. A rainbow catalog veering between construction paper and sticky notes. The font matched the pattern: notes scrolled in everything from pen, marker, to even crayon.
I placed the wine on the counter. Picked up a cluster of messages.
Judging by the writing, no way these were the musings of one person. The handwriting was different on each and every message. The emotions different: Greatest xperience eva! I ain’t ever leaving!! I <3 Nicki Minaj Nickis bitch
Battling the unease, I took another swig. But still couldn’t shake the increasing chills.
Then one pink note in particular caught my eye. Brought about waves of anxiety… and sweet nostalgia. I recognized Ashley’s scrawl immediately. Her excellent grammar: Ashley And Rhonnie Forever! We love you, Nicki!
I put the beer down. Picked up my love’s note. Felt adrenaline rush through me. Heard Ashley’s beaming voice as I read it once more… Fuck, I missed her.
Grinning, I slid the letter into my pocket. A cherished memento from our stay at Nicki’s resort… My eyes then went back to this hidden collection. To the white sheet of paper lying under Ash’s message…
In an instant, my romantic remembrance vanished. All of it conquered by fear.
HELP ME read the scribbled touch of a pencil’s panic. The big, bold letters screamed those words. Underlined for emphasis. The message too terrifying not to be genuine…
I grabbed the piece of paper. Got a closer inspection at the all-too-real horror. The reality that everything wasn’t Utopia. Not for everyone, at least...
I downed the Dos Equis. But my buzz didn’t soothe the restless tension.
My eyes scanned the other notes. This scared detective confirming his instincts: there were just too many subtle differences. Too many eccentricities for Nicki and her personalities to have written all these. Especially now that I had Ashley’s note for evidence.
From the dancefloor, The Killers faded out. And in the brief silence came the many voices. Those muffled shouts and cries…
I turned toward the hallway. The sounds obviously coming from Club Staff. The Forbidden Room. Nicki’s wax museum. Her lair of wild dreams and nightmares.
Still clinging to the eerie note, I sensed my opportunity. Somehow gathering courage amidst the anxiety, I rushed into the dark hallway. Saw the only light here coming from beneath that final door.
The coast was clear. No one was around... Just me and whomever lurked inside that room. And as I got closer, the voices grew louder. More excited.
For once, the fear chilled me more than Nicki’s arctic A/C. But I still kept going. Reached out toward the knob.
The sudden struts of a guitar made me jump. So did Elvis Presley’s crooning… Startled, I looked down the hall. Glaring on at “Blue Christmas” now playing on the dancefloor.
Recovering from the scare, I turned my attention toward the door. Reached out once more.
“Rhonnie, what is you doing!” rang Nicki’s siren cry through the darkness. The Queen’s voice all power and attitude. Just like her firm grip snatching my arm.
Scared again, I whirled around. “Shit!”
Nicki’s smirk greeted me. As did her latest costume change: a black Strokes tee and skintight white pants. With no make-up and a shorter red wig, Onika Maraj looked dressed for an underground rock show. How she changed so fast, how she appeared so quick behind me still remains a mystery to this day. Not to mention where the fuck did she keep getting all these wigs and where did she keep them? But in that surreall moment, I was just glad she wasn’t wearing that fucking strap...
Nicki waved at her shirt with excitement to spare. “You like it? You’re a Strokes fan, right?”
The letter in my hand grabbed my gaze. “Yeah…” I held the message toward Nicki. “What the Hell is this!”
Caught off guard, Nicki’s grin disappeared. Her suspicion set in.
“I found this in the kitchen,” I said.
In a fierce instant, Nicki snatched the sheet. Read the note.
“I just wanna know who wrote it,” I continued.
Feigning indifference, Nicki tossed it to the ground. “It’s nothing, I wrote that shit.”
For once, her performance lacked emotion. Gone was the confidence.. her biggest strength.
I flashed a nervous smile. “No, you didn’t! There’s no fucking way!”
Nicki placed a hand to her temple. Avoiding eye contact. At war with her own invasive thoughts.
“I found the note Ashley left too,” I said. “I found all of them! I mean why’d someone write ‘help me,’ Nicki! Goddamn!”
Nicki stayed silent. There was no word. No explanation.
I leaned toward her. “That’s fucking crazy! I mean just-”
Staying strong in the face of my fake toughness, Nicki looked right at me. “Chill, Rhonnie.”
“But I wanna know-”
“Do you think anyone would ever wanna leave here?” Like a dismissive diva, she pushed me back. “Seriously, Rhonnie?”
Scoffing, I pointed toward the note. “Well, someone did apparently!”
“Just think about you and Ashley!” Nicki then flashed that taunting smile. “Y’all’s asses know you didn’t wanna leave!”
I hesitated in the cold. Let “Blue Christmas” continue through the hallway. The mansion. And deep down, I knew I had no response. Nicki was right.
Sensing my weakness, Nicki took an aggressive step toward me. Her pretty face matching mine. “You know I’m right, don’t you,” she cooed. In a slow lunge, Nicki ran her hands along my chest. Leaned in toward my ear for a sensual purrr….
The memories hit me hard. Flashbacks to the ferocious sex. Me, Ash, Nicki, Kellan. Our weeks of fun. Our thrist constantly quenched in this erotic paradise.
“You and Ashley still wanna come back,” Nicki teased in a gentle tone. She squeezed my ass. And got closer to my lips. “Y’all still miss me…”
I smelt the sweet wine in her breath. The booze helping us both lose control.
“We do...” I said. Now I ran my hands up and down Nicki’s majestic body. Felt along the smooth skin. The plastic… The best implants money can buy.
Our bodies collided. Swaying to the rhythm of “Blue Christmas.” Our souls stirred into a happy hysteria.
Nicki’s grin grew wider. “I missed y’all too…”
She gave me a drunken kiss. And I damn sure returned the favor. Gladly still clinging to my ass, Nicki’s other hand went down toward my crotch.
I lost control. The excitement too much.
“Rhonnie, get Ashley,” Nicki said between kisses. She draped her hands around my neck. “Stay here forevvverrrr…”
Smiling, I looked on at those brown eyes. Their mischievous glint. “I’ll think about it-”
A bombastic beat crushed Elvis’s crooning. Loud and obnoxious. A hip-hop air strike had hit Christmas.
I immediately recognized the song. And immediately cringed.
Cackling, Nicki leaned back. “Oh shit!”
I groaned. “Fuck, ‘Anaconda’? “Really?”
“Yes!”
Amidst the pop assault, Nicki pulled me in closer toward her. Another sloppy kiss accompanied this grating tune. The Queen’s hands went wild over my body. The song getting better as the make-out session continued. The intensity matching the incessant rhythm of “Anaconda.”
Nicki held me back. Her female gaze salivating me. The smile starving for more.
Grooving and shaking to the beat, I gave her a smug, seductive smirk. Pleased to have Nicki’s spotlight. “Hey,” I quipped.
Then Mrs. Majesty made her move. Lunging forward, Nicki was fast and quick. Her hands latched on to my arms.
“Whoa!” I joked.
Crying out, Nicki threw me up against the wall. Her sheer strength sent me into it hard… leaving me pinned to it.
There were some nerves. Not to mention a rising thrill. I turned and looked back at it. At Nicki.
Armed with that madcap grin, she descended upon me. Her fingers itching to grab. Her steps aligned with the song… As if she were pantomiming and acting out her own twisted music video. But that sly voice shined through. Even over the deafening soundtrack. Nicki’s excitement too high at this point...
“Oh my Gosh....” she said in a robotic melody. “Look at her butt…”
I was too drunk to move. But still enthralled… erect beyond belief. Here I was Nicki’s prisoner once more. At her manic mercy.
Smirking in silence, I let her tear off my sweater.
“Oh my Gosh, look at her butt,” Nicki kept singing. Those same lyrics repeated in a sexy mantra… Getting me all the more hot. The collision of the song and Nicki’s performance hypnotized me. I gave in to her fantasy… and my own.
Nicki pulled my pants down. Into the music, I grooved. Shook at her touch. All while she yanked off the khakis, then my tight boxers. I held my feet out, letting Nicki slide the socks off. She had me nude. Just as she wanted me.
Still singing along, Nicki pushed me further down. Bending me over… I felt those white pants fasten against my popped out ass. Felt her fasten those clamps of fingers to my hips.
Swaying to the reckless rhythm, Nicki’s passionate thrusts matched the song. One hit after the other...
“My anaconda don’t!” Nicki hollered. “My anaconda don’t!”
I closed my eyes and moaned. The sensations so amazing. Nicki didn’t even need a dildo to fuck hard. She had too much power as is.
Enjoying the show, Nicki moved my ass back-and-forth. Making me twerk on that crotch. Nicki getting the lapdance of her dreams. Not that I was complaining... Being her personal stripper was nothing new for either of us.
Continuing the concert, Nicki sang in a playful tone. Her voice so energetic and full of delight it overtook the fucking record. And only stopping for those dominant grunts. Nicki leaned in next to my ear. “This dude named Michael used to ride motorcycles…”
My breathing got heavier. In awe of Nicki’s poise. Behind aroused eyes, I watched her grab a hold of my big dick. All while she kept pounding away in this delirious dry humping. Nicki a Goddamn athlete.
“Dick bigger than a tower,” the Queen continued as she tugged on my cock for emphatic emphasis. “I ain’t talking about Eiffel’s…”
Something moist hit my ass. The crashes were repetitive and heavy. Nicki got out of control. A sexbot on the verge of exploding.
I moaned once more. Until Nicki’s hand covered my mouth. But she still kept going. I moved along with her. Shaking my ass to her delight.
“Real country-ass nigga, let me play with his rifle,” Nicki sang. “Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil…” In a wild flourish, she licked my face. A serpent’s tongue all along my smooth skin.
And the show went on. Through every lyric, every thrust. I gave in to the rap Goddess’s every move. Not to mention to her amazing stamina. Here I was sweating in the cold. Still erect. Still twerking...
At the fadeout, Nicki’s cackling hit overdrive. Her histrionics natural. She staggered back and gave my ass a passionate smack.
Exhausted, I turned and looked back at the Queen. At her triumphant smile. The colossal wet stain on the crotch of those white pants… An ocean of desire.
Another haunting rap beat started. Nicki’s “Get On Your Knees” began playing. A song reverberating through my mind. My body.
Nicki ran her hands down her pants in a sensual taunt. “Ooh, bring that ass here, baby.”
Gasping for breath, I staggered to my feet. Still naked. Still recovering from being dicked down.
“You should’ve been here all along,” Nicki continued.
I turned my attention to Club Staff. My mystery powered through… even in the post-sex bliss.
Nicki reached toward me. “Come here, baby.”
Avoiding her touch, I stumbled toward the room. Without the strap, at least my ass wasn’t in too much pain.
“Rhonnie!” I heard Nicki shout. “Don’t go in there!”
Over Nicki’s recorded harmonies and all-too-live screams, I could hear those voices. The cryptic chorus behind door number three. I snatched the knob. Glad to find it unlocked.
Behind me, I heard Nicki chase after me. “Bring that ass here!” she commanded.
I swung the door open and rushed inside. Being back in Club Staff ended my drunk disorientation. Not from reflective warmth but from the strange sight sprawling before me…
Nervous, I stopped in the middle of the room. The pink walls were still flawless. The antique jukebox still timeless. And from here I saw the secret room, its door wide open. Ashley and I’s personal suite…
The other wax figures were spread out like a staged party scene. Nicki Minaj by way of the Uncanny Valley. There was nerdy Nicki, tomboy Nicki. All aspects of the artist’s personality.
Both the pink dildo and red blouse were lying on the ground. The glasses she wore earlier. Wigs piled up in a colorful conglomeration. Club Staff now Nicki’s dressing room for all those costume changes. And also the site of her darkest desires.
But these familiar sights did little to soothe my dread. Still doused in sweat, I felt Nicki’s literal drip slide off my ass... Somehow, Nicki had shocked me once more. Scared me with the secrets of her forbidden room.
Open laptops were arranged on all those large tables. Rows and rows of them leading up to a large demigod of a flatscreen. The room featuring an electrical cult ceremony…
What they showed were live feeds. HD footage clearly taken from all these fucking cameras. In rooms I’d never seen. Areas of Nicki’s home and property I never knew existed. Many of the rooms from the sheds out back, I figured.
Strangers stayed on those screens. Attractive men and women, ranging from young adults to senior citizens. But they were all hot… All of them either stripped down or dressed in the nice fashion I knew Nicki picked out. They were her community. The Barbz she really wanted.
Most of these hottiees were engaged in sex. The mics made that much clear. There was everything: missionary, pegging, three-ways, Devil’s Threesomes, guy-on-guy. Whatever your hungry heart desired. Whatever the Hell Nicki wanted.
With several clips taking place at night, I knew the Queen had recorded everything. Not so much for security or surveillance. Just for herself.
In the videos, I recognized a few faces, the bodyguards amongst them. And of course, I recognized Kellan and his large dick. He was in a room of four, using the same playbook me, him, Ash, and Nicki perfected.
The same playbook I saw broadcast on that flatscreen. The footage showed the four of us from just a few months ago. The four of us having the sex of our lives. We must’ve really been amongst Nicki’s favs to be her star attraction…
Sure, I was disturbed. But nostalgia crept in upon seeing us on the silver screen. I gotta say I missed Kellan. Not to mention he was a long way from Trinidad… But maybe to him, the Minaj mansion was home. We did have our fun, after all.
But the romanticism died soon after seeing one laptop showing me in the lair. Showing me right now. In the nude. I now noticed several cameras dangling down from the ceiling, filming my fear.
More vivid glows emanated from the secret room. Undoubtedly there was more where this came from…
I now realized Nicki Minaj was a mirage. A sexially-explicit illusion used to draw in the thirstiest men and women. A Venus flytrap for Onika Maraj’s most depraved pleasures.
But still I needed to see more... Even over the chilling epiphany, curiosity compelled me. I charged up to the secret room. Until a certain singing stopped me.
I whirled around to face Nicki. She stood tall and defiant. Regardless of the striking stain, she didn’t look trashy. She wore that wet vagina well. After all, that crotch certainly didn’t feel like a pussy at times...
And all the while, Nicki sang along to the chorus of “Get On Your Knees.” A sly smile accompanying her flow. Her joy.
An intimate audience, I watched her the whole way through. This was Nicki The Artist and she sounded even better live. More natural. More raw.
As the track faded out, Nicki nodded toward the laptops. “You know they wanna be here, Rhonnie.” She strutted up to me.
Like looking at a much prettier Medusa, I turned to stone. Held in place by the beauty. The charisma.
“No one’s being held against their will,” Nicki continued. She stole an admiring glance at my cock before looking into my green eyes. “That’s their shit cars they left in the garage. Their shit clothes in the lockers. Their shit lives they left behind.”
“But still… it’s not right,” I struggled to say. “It’s weird.”
Soothing me, Nicki ran a hand along my arm. “They just wanted to be happy, Rhonnie. That’s all.”
I couldn’t respond. Naked and in front of Nicki, I was conflicted. Torn between the seduction and slavery.
Nicki leaned in closer. “I didn’t want you to see till you were ready.” She caressed my face. Her touch so… warm. “Till you and Ashley were here.” Her other hand clinged to my thigh.
Quiet, I ran my fingers through Nicki’s short hair. “Regret In Your Tears” next on Nicki’s always-appropriate soundtrack. This setlist always in sync with our current mood.
“I didn’t want y’all to get scared,” Nicki went on. Her hand drifted down to my ass. For another sensual squeeze. “That was all, Rhonnie.”
I pulled away from her. “Naw, I can’t…”
Forcing a cackle, Nicki grabbed my arm. Her demeanor drunk, her mannerisms driven by madness. “Rhonnie, look!” She pointed toward the station of so many screens. “I dress them well, they get to live with me!” Selling herself well, Nicki felt along her well-endowed chest. “They get to be with me, baby…” She lunged in closer, inches away from my face. “And that should’ve been you and Ashley!”
Now I yanked my arm back. “No! This isn’t right, Nicki! You’re asking us to give up everything! We’ve got fucking lives, man! I wanna write!”
Nicki’s smile stagnated. “And you can… You can write about me.” She pointed across the room. Of course, right at that huge dildo. “And spend more time with that!” She grabbed on to my shoulders. “Me, you, and Ash. Kellan. It’ll be just like old times, babe.”
“I can’t.” Struggling against that strength, I finally managed to escape her grips once more.
A glower overtook Nicki’s face. “What do you think this is then, Rhonnie!”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“This house! Me, bitch!”
Never had I seen her get this pissed. Sure, maybe crazy as Hell. Maybe psychosexual but not fucking angry.
Nicki pointed at herself. ”I’m the reason they wanna come! I bring them here, I keep them happy! They make me happy! I’m their fucking queen, Rhonnie! I make them want me, you understand!” She got in my face. But I was already scared into obedience. “Just like I did to you and Ashley!” She pointed to her head. “It’s in here, Rhonnie.” Immediately, she gravitated to that body. “And all here, baby! It’s got nothing to do with Onika! Nothing to do with me, the girl from Queens! The crazy family, the tragedies. It’s the way I look, Rhonnie! The ass and titties! The sex. Fucking. Sells.”
The height difference didn’t matter. Not now. Nicki stared me down hard. From both lust and anger. The dangerous ends of both emotions. I shivered under that spare. Nicki knowing full well she had me under her spell.
“What’s going on?” a deep voice rivaling mine asked.
We both turned. And well, Nicki’s excited smile contrasted my shock.
There was the man of the hour: Zoo. He stood a few feet away from us. His naked body no longer too surreal a sight in this freaky fortress. He was a handsome guy. Much taller than us. Much more sculpted than me A pretty prisoner both in the past and now. Kenneth checked off most of Nicki’s boxes: tough, thicc, and well-hung. Somehow, him and I had both managed to stay erect. Maybe there was something in the mansion’s air. But now Zoo’s glare stayed on me. The dude likely to break me by hand or dick…
Nicki’s grin hit sitcom levels. “Hey, baby!” she gushed. Drawn to her man, she rushed over and hugged him.
But Kenneth and I’s staredown wasn’t going anywhere.
“Is that the writer guy?” he asked Nicki.
“Yeah, that’s Rhonnie!” she beamed.
They fixated their gazes on me. There we were, the three of us with our dicks hanging out. Well, with Nicki’s lying closeby.
Through the tense silence, all we heard was the Minaj playlist. And the sounds of her prisoners. Their pleasurable moans and cries a constant off those laptops. Of course, I recognized my own exhalations on that flatscreen. God knows what the Hell I was taking in that clip...
Nicki pulled Kenneth closer toward her. Her man definitely lacked her enthusiasm. “He’s the one writing about us, Zoo!” she exclaimed. “And I’m helping him out! He’s gonna make us even more famous!”
“So I’ve heard,” he replied. His hands stayed by his side. Ready for any false move from rhonnie14.
“Ain’t that right, Rhonnie!” Nicki said. Her wicked gaze settled in on me. “You’re gonna write so many crazy stories, right.”
Reaching into the recesses of my soul, I found some half-ass courage. “I’m writing the truth, Nicki,” I finally said. I waved toward the laptops. “I’m writing about all this! The people you got here, the ones you’ve got trapped! Your prisoners!”
Needless to say, Zoo wasn’t amused. His glare now more permanent than Nicki’s glowing smile. But now Nicki was no different. She had no chance at hiding the rage boiling within.
“I’m telling the truth!” I yelled.
Nicki took a ferocious step toward me.
Trying to restrain her, Zoo grabbed the Queen’s arm. “Nicki-”
But nothing could stop her. Not even Zoo’s impressive muscles. Nicki bulldozed on by. Straight for me.
Oh fuck, I thought...
Nicki put a finger to my face. “And do you think anyone’s gonna believe you, motherfucker!”
I stayed quiet. Yeah, I was a chickenshit.
“I’ll just tell them you’re some fucking creep obsessed with me!” Nicki continued. “No one will buy what the fuck some random horror writer has to say! Yo ass look like you’re sixteen anyway!”
Crumbling under her irate pressure, I shrugged my shoulders. “That’s a compliment...”
“Shut the fuck up!” Nicki yelled.
I locked eyes with Zoo. Even he was keeping his distance from her.
“Yeah, listen to Nicki!” he added.
Nicki gave me a light shove. The glare slicing into me like a knife. “So you go write your goofy fucking stories! Pimp my name to the horror crowd! They’ll wanna be with the Queen too, boo! You know that!”
“You got him, Nicki,” I heard Zoo chime in.
Giving me her patented stank face, Nicki walked back toward her husband. Leaving me in an awkward, uneasy state.
I watched Nicki drape her arm around Zoo’s waist. Her outburst now veering toward a manic melancholy. “You should’ve stayed, you and Ashley both!” Nicki said. I saw her grab on to Kenneth’s ass. “Y’all’d have been the Paula Patton and Zac Efron in here. All for me…”
Doing his best to be supportive, Zoo held on to her tight. Caressed Nicki’s shoulder. Anything to stay on her sweet side.
Now Nicki’s performance hit pathos. Somehow, I felt sorry for her. Sympathy even in the face of millions and nothing but pretty people surrounding her.
“Y’all should’ve just stayed!” she said in a trembling voice. The emotions erupted. Shielding her eyes, she turned away.
I took a calm step toward her. “I can’t stay Nicki. We just can’t.”
Both Nicki and Zoo confronted me. They showed their hurt physically. Their wounds within. The dark side of being a social media freakshow.
Nicki showed teardrops. Wearing her usual melodramatic make-up, she’d have resembled a crying clown. But not when she was just dressed as herself… Not when she was Onika. A lonely, young woman simultaneously vindicated and destroyed by her own fucking dream.
Concerned, I ran a hand through my swoop. Kept an appropriate distance from the distraught couple. “What’s this really about, man?” I asked, forcing my voice at a chill calm. “Nicki, maybe you should talk to someone.”
That glare flashed through Mrs. Majesty’s tears.
“You just need to get some help,” I struggled to say. “There’s nothing wrong with that-”
“Help!?” Nicki shouted. She pulled away from Zoo. All her weeping eyes on me. “I don’t need any help, Rhonnie! I need people to fucking care!”
A worried Zoo reached toward her. “Babe.” This was the side of Kenneth I’d never seen. Unlike Nicki, he was no performer or actor. Just a caring husband to one of the most complex personalities in Hollyweird.
Nicki held him back. Instead, her attention stayed on me. The stare sharpened. Her defensiveness a weak disguise for those insecurities galore. “That’s all I want, Rhonnie! I love my fans, the real fans!”
“I know,” I said. “I wasn’t trying to-”
“But that’s not what people want!” Nicki cried. The floodgate of tears burst. Here was a woman on the verge of a brutal breakdown. A sad glimpse behind the bravado. Nicki the beautiful diva facing fate and alienation. “They want the big titty bitch! That’s it!” She pointed toward that ‘perfect’ figure. “They don’t care about me! The lyrics or the drive! It’s this! I just want someone to look past that! Someone like you! Lile Ashley!” She snatched Kenneth’s hand in a loving grip. “And Zoo… Y’all need to stay with me for more! For the music!”
Zoo and I made quick eye contact. I imagine we didn’t have much in common other than worrying over Nicki’s mental state… but that was bond enough.
Like a Shakespearean monologue, Nicki continued spilling her guts. The raw emotion on display. Whatever warts and all could be on those perfect physical features. “It’s why I do this!” She waved toward her body. “The surgeries, the make-up! I can’t get anyone to just listen!”
“But Nicki, there’s plenty of us,” I said. “Hell, I like the music!”
“It’s just sex, Rhonnie! Like I told you!” Nicki stared right at me. “That’s all they care about at the end of the day.” She waved toward the laptops. Nicki’s movements so fast and frenetic, her boobs could’ve caused an earthquake. Just as much as her morose expression would elicit heartbreak. “It’s why I don’t give a fuck about those sluts and shrimp-dicked idiots just getting off to me! They can’t understand me like you! Like all the people I bring here can!”
“There’s more of us though, Nicki. I swear! We don’t have to stay here to support you, man. We’re everywhere!”
“I just want them to like me for the music! The talent! Not the sex, not the bullshit!” Lost in her sorrow, Nicki turned away. Wiped off those countless tears. “I can’t do anything as a female rapper… I can’t be a Pac or Ye. I have to be the hot bitch… You don’t understand, Rhonnie. I never wanted it like this!”
Zoo grabbed her shoulder. “Yo, babe-”
Possessed by passion, Nicki swatted his hand away. She screamed aloud. Into the air. Into her own crazed soul. Exorcist Nicki her latest personality. Then those maniacal sights settled in on me. “I don’t need help, Rhonnie! I need supporters! People who like me for who I am! For who I fucking * really* am! I need them with me twenty-four seven, Rhonnie!”
Fighting my own tears, I stepped toward her. “And I do. Ashley and I both-”
“Then stay!”
Nicki’s anguish made me stop. All while it ate me alive. Maybe I knew Nicki more than most. But here I was wanting her to be okay... Here I was desperate to reassure the Queen of hip-hop.
“Stay here forever!” Nicki yelled.
I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicki. I can’t.”
With weary defeat, Nicki shook her head. Each and every tear nothing but bullets piercing into my naked flesh.
Zoo ran a hand along her arm. “Nicki. Hey-”
Nicki stormed out. Off stage and away from her erotic island. She never said goodbye. Never gave me that bright smile. For someone with her talent and dictionary, she didn’t say shit.
Feeling guilty, I watched Nicki adjust her pants. Adjust the stain sticking to her skin… And then she was gone. A gorgeous witch disappearing into the night.
The catchy Nicki tunes still played. Not to mention the enthusiastic voices still blasting off those feeds. But Kenneth and I may as well have stood in silence. So thick the tension was.
He finally looked at me. His stare was smoldering, intense. “Get the fuck out.”
Put on the spot, I glanced around the room. At the sex videos. Then at my own naked body. With a nervous smile, I confronted Zoo. Shrugged my shoulders. “Can I at least put my boxers on?”
I got to put on the nice clothes Nicki stripped from me. Got my bag, got an Uber for LAX, and got the fuck out of there. All on Nicki’s tab, thankfully.
Now I sat alone at the airport. Waiting on a two A.M. flight… All alone in my corner. No one was around me this late. The cold isolation here like a cavern. Not even the Christmas wreaths and trees could soothe me.
Holding my phone, I tried to pass the time. Tried to keep my mind off the bizarre Nicki encounter. I just had to put on Bruce. Now blasting “No Surrender” through my earbuds and into my rattled mind. Scared that playing any Nicki would be a siren call luring my ass back to her place… Her world.
That being said, the long wait left me in reflection. Nicki wasn’t wrong on any count. To quote one of her more obnoxious tracks, we were all just beez in the trap. Caught up in her lore, her talent. And yes, the insane beauty. But what unsettled me most was how she related it to me. You see, Nicki spelled out her personal dilemma. Fuck it, she even related the twisted reality to me. And Nicki was right all along. Regardless of how much she liked creeping on my Reddit porn accounts, she had a point. I had more fans piling in there for a pic I took in seconds rather than a story I poured my heart and soul into. A situation no different than Nicki’s more serious jams getting shunned in favor of twerking and brainless exploitation. Sex sells, man. No matter her personality, Nicki wasn’t wrong about that. Call it my What Price, Hollywood? moment… All courtesy of Onika Maraj.
And through the thoughts, my phone kept buzzing. Now here came call number three from Nicki. I chose to ignore it. I couldn’t face her this soon. Not after the unsettling encounters and her unsettling set-up. After the harrowing breakdown, I couldn’t answer her. I wouldn’t answer that call, I plead to my nervous self in an internal intervention.
And all the while, I texted Ashley. Told her how much I loved her. How I couldn’t wait to see her. Our bond rekindled to first-month glories until she sent me a new text: You should’ve stayed!
I looked on at the message, uneasy.
Then came Ash’s quick follow-up: Go back and I’ll come! :)
The fear returned. Nicki had been hypnotizing me. And apparently, she’d long had Ash under control. “What…” I said.
Overtaking my screen was another incessant call: Nicki. Who knew how drunk or high she was? Much less lonely.
Don’t answer, I reminded myself. Don’t give in.
Forcing myself, I silenced the call. Then sat there in awkward silence. In a quiet dread I couldn’t identify. Or control.
Just when I needed it, Bruce left me. My rallying cry of “No Surrender” gone. My whole Goddamn support system.
I texted Ashley back: Are you sure? I think we should wait, boo…
Her reply appeared immediately: YES! GO THERE NOW, STU-STU!
I stared on at her message. Her demand. Her eager euphoria. Here I was caught between arousal and disappointment. And at the end of the day I had no say in this weird, wild mess. Ash did.
Seconds later came a new text message. Not from Ashley but Nicki: Come back over, Rhonnie
The next SMS bullet hit me: I miss y’all already ;)
Another one appeared: Again
“Shit…” I said to myself. I got ready to ignore the message. This was Rhonnie’s last stand against the impulses. The thirst.
Until my phone pulsated to life. The call so ferocious I almost missed Nicki’s next text: I talked to Ashley!!! <3 :p
And that was when I laid eyes on the caller ID: on my girlfriend’s number. The death sentence to my attempt at defiance. As always.
14
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2020.03.20 07:27 rhonnie14 Latest hidden camera sex video

Part 2
I woke up groggy the next morning. To my relief, the door was closed and I was alone. Comfortable. Far from Nicki’s aggression. Far from this madness in general.
I slid on my Buddy Holly glasses. At peace with the solitude around me… until I saw a letter lying on the dresser. The elaborate scribbled scrawl told me all I needed to know: Nicki had snuck in here during the night. Groaning, I grabbed the letter.
There was the schedule literally spelled out for me: gym, shower, interview. Even a curated wardrobe was included.
I put on the tight gym shorts. The red sleeveless shirt. Upon opening the bedroom door, Bobby Helms’s “Jingle Bell Rock” bombarded me. Not to mention this mansion’s blizzard… I couldn’t help but think how some people would find the holiday playlist a welcome reprieve from the Nickimania usually blasting. But not me. I missed the pop music in the face of this seasonal shit.
Then I hit the gym. The treadmill, the crunches. My meager weightlifting. All under those cameras’ red eyes. Not to mention the bizarre wax figure standing in the corner. The one watching me this whole time: a life-size Roman waxwork. Complete with the blonde wig, messy black dress… that deranged scowl.
Out of breath, I faced my reflection. The giant mirror painted me in a flattering but realistic light. Nicki and Ashley had taken care of me, after all. I looked better than ever. Maybe not the Great Value Zac Efron Nicki was hyping me up to be, but hey, what can I say? Even I was impressed my own appearance.
Turning, I confronted the wax Roman. Her fake eyes met mine. Somehow, I was sure she’d moved ever so slightly. Just enough to turn that female gaze toward me.
I then headed for the shower. The warm water soothed me from this Christmas cold. Now I could really get lost in horror thoughts. In my storyteller wilderness.
Relaxed, I stepped back. Looked toward the metal soap holder… then my unease returned. Intensified.
I saw a red light hidden behind the soap bar. One blocked by a narrow glass case. Maybe I was too tired to notice it last night. More than likely too drunk… but apparently, Nicki had eyes on me the whole time.
Butt I felt aroused amidst the disgust. I couldn’t stop the erection… even when it stemmed from fantasies violating my privacy. But still, where was my dignity? Apparently not enough of it to stop me from modeling in that shower.
In the hallway, the cold hit me hard. Especially when all I had on was the boxers. Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” serenaded my chills. Those voices then returned… I looked toward the last door.
The muffled voices came from there. The fateful room’s light still on. I walked up to the door. Grabbed the handle.
“I told you not to go in there!” came that frenetic scream.
Nicki’s hand grabbed mine. I looked into her fiery eyes. She had on the librarian’s glasses. The red blouse. Her hair pulled back in an unassuming ponytail. Her claws replaced by groomed fingernails. “What the fuck, Rhonnie!”
Under the glare, I crumbled. “I was just curious…”
“Yeah, well, curiosity killed the cat, bitch!” Nicki tossed my hand back to me.
“Well, what happened?” I asked. Still hearing the voices, I waved toward the room. “What’s that noise?”
Behind a cold gaze, Nicki grabbed my wrist in a death grip. “None of your business. Not now!”
I said nothing. Too scared to respond….
“Now get your ass in that bedroom!” Nicki continued. She motioned toward my room. Savoring her power… “Get dressed!”
“My bad…” I responded. But I still listened to her. I walked into my bedroom. Saw my sweater and red khakis laid out for me.
Bing Crosby’s voice echoed everywhere as I snagged the red trousers. Got ready to put them on.
“And what’d I tell you about going to that room!” Nicki’s voice reprimanded me.
Startled, I looked toward the open doorway. Right to the one-and-only Nicki Minaj watching me get dressed.
“I’m sorry!” I said with a laugh.
“Mmm-hmm,” Nicki replied. She leaned against the doorway. Not going anywhere… and neither was that excited gaze of hers. The one that never left my body. “You best start listening to me, Rhonnie.”
Struggling under her hungry eyes, I slid on the pants. “I will!”
I felt her eyes on me the entire time. Nicki never once left this show….
We later got together in the home studio. Both of us in our swivel chairs and with a glass of wine...
The ideas came fast and furious. Some good, some great.
“What about like a sex cult?” Nicki suggested.
“A sex cult?” I joked.
Behind the glasses, Nicki sat up straight. "Is that too realistic?”
I chuckled. “With you, man, anything is possible.”
“We just need to give them something crazy!” Nicki went on. She straightened her blouse. “Like whether it’s a cult or anything crazy I did. Like the pegging, anything hot like that!”
“Awesome. I agree.”
“I’ll be your muse for all things sexy and…” Nicki hunched her shoulders. Angled her head for a murderer’s photo shoot. That killer gaze fixated on me. “Scary."
Uncomfortable, I glanced down at my notebook. “Yeah, there’s so much potential.”
“Oh, definitely.”
I worked up the nerve to face her. Then ask a question that’d been bothering me: “So what was up with the garage?”
Nicki gave me a weird look. “What do you mean?”
“I mean all the weird shit in there? The cars, lockers-”
Nicki scoffed. “Bitch, please…”
“Naw, I’m curious.”
With an indifferent flourish, Nicki waved me off. “Your nosyass shouldn’t worry!”
Like a reporter, I leaned in closer. “So why all the cameras then? The guards?”
Nicki stared at me, her eyes eviscerating my soul. “I done told you, Rhonnie.” She moved in toward my face, holding me captive with that stare. “I value my privacy.”
“So why keep that shit then?"
Chuckling, Nicki leaned back in her seat. “Don’t be so worried, Rhonnie…”
“What?”
Nicki looked right at me. Her inner strength obvious. "I’m a tough girl, Rhonnie! You know that.”
Our brainstorming session ended soon after. To be honest, I had enough macabre material minus the Queen’s input. Even if the session proved entertaining.
That afternoon, I entered the kitchen. And there was Nicki seated on a bar stool. Glued to her phone. The Killers’ “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” the latest on the dancefloor's playlist.
“Hey, boo,” Nicki said to me.
“Hey,” I replied as I grabbed a Dos Equis. “I was just about to start writing. ” I opened the longneck. Still basking in the wine buzz… then I heard more moans and groans. Pleasurable exhalations hitting euphoria…
I looked toward the hallway. Drowning out the Christmas music, Club Staff’s sex sounded closer. Somehow more familiar. I stepped toward Nicki. “Yo, what are you watching?”
Nicki didn’t even try hiding the footage. The HD video of me, her, Ashley, and Kellan engaging in a most wild intimacy. Our own filmed sex tape… For whatever reason, I was on the bottom.
“Whoa, what the fuck!” I yelled.
Cackling, Nicki lowered her phone. “What? I can’t relive the past, bitch?”
“I mean you kept that on your phone?”
Nicki shrugged. “Duh. It’s hot…”
I couldn’t argue. “It’s fun and all, but-"
Nicki stood up and held her phone toward me. Giving me a front row view to a clip of her and Ashley dicking me down with those huge dildos. “If I wanna take a break, Rhonnie, I can. I'm not addicted, bitch.” She then got in my face. A delayed flourish of a finish. I could already smell the wine in her breath. “And I’m the one paying you. Remember?”
I gave her a weak smirk. “Okay…”
“That’s right, boo.”
I waved toward her, annoyed. "So when can I get my phone?”
That wacky Nicki grin appeared. She marched toward the hallway. Her erotica conquering the Christmas music. “Oh, you know the rules, Rhonnie.”
“Well, what about Zoo? When the Hell’s he coming over?”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Nicki started. She stopped and faced me. Her smile still on display. “He’s coming.”
“Yeah but when-”
A chaotic vibration interrupted us. Nicki glanced at her pulsating phone.
“Shit, I gotta get this!” she said. She grinned at me. “Don’t go anywhere!”
Left alone, I looked over at the kitchen bar. At all those drinks.
Swept away by The Killers’ Christmas song, I staggered up to the pink wine bottles. Grabbed the biggest one.
Buried beneath the booze were torn scratch sheets of paper. A rainbow catalog veering between construction paper and sticky notes. The font matched the pattern: notes scrolled in everything from pen, marker, to even crayon.
I placed the wine on the counter. Picked up a cluster of messages.
Judging by the writing, no way these were the musings of one person. The handwriting was different on each and every message. The emotions different: Greatest xperience eva! I ain’t ever leaving!! I <3 Nicki Minaj Nickis bitch
Battling the unease, I took another swig. But still couldn’t shake the increasing chills.
Then one pink note in particular caught my eye. Brought about waves of anxiety… and sweet nostalgia. I recognized Ashley’s scrawl immediately. Her excellent grammar: Ashley And Rhonnie Forever! We love you, Nicki!
I put the beer down. Picked up my love’s note. Felt adrenaline rush through me. Heard Ashley’s beaming voice as I read it once more… Fuck, I missed her.
Grinning, I slid the letter into my pocket. A cherished memento from our stay at Nicki’s resort… My eyes then went back to this hidden collection. To the white sheet of paper lying under Ash’s message…
In an instant, my romantic remembrance vanished. All of it conquered by fear.
HELP ME read the scribbled touch of a pencil’s panic. The big, bold letters screamed those words. Underlined for emphasis. The message too terrifying not to be genuine…
I grabbed the piece of paper. Got a closer inspection at the all-too-real horror. The reality that everything wasn’t Utopia. Not for everyone, at least...
I downed the Dos Equis. But my buzz didn’t soothe the restless tension.
My eyes scanned the other notes. This scared detective confirming his instincts: there were just too many subtle differences. Too many eccentricities for Nicki and her personalities to have written all these. Especially now that I had Ashley’s note for evidence.
From the dancefloor, The Killers faded out. And in the brief silence came the many voices. Those muffled shouts and cries…
I turned toward the hallway. The sounds obviously coming from Club Staff. The Forbidden Room. Nicki’s wax museum. Her lair of wild dreams and nightmares.
Still clinging to the eerie note, I sensed my opportunity. Somehow gathering courage amidst the anxiety, I rushed into the dark hallway. Saw the only light here coming from beneath that final door.
The coast was clear. No one was around... Just me and whomever lurked inside that room. And as I got closer, the voices grew louder. More excited.
For once, the fear chilled me more than Nicki’s arctic A/C. But I still kept going. Reached out toward the knob.
The sudden struts of a guitar made me jump. So did Elvis Presley’s crooning… Startled, I looked down the hall. Glaring on at “Blue Christmas” now playing on the dancefloor.
Recovering from the scare, I turned my attention toward the door. Reached out once more.
“Rhonnie, what is you doing!” rang Nicki’s siren cry through the darkness. The Queen’s voice all power and attitude. Just like her firm grip snatching my arm.
Scared again, I whirled around. “Shit!”
Nicki’s smirk greeted me. As did her latest costume change: a black Strokes tee and skintight white pants. With no make-up and a shorter red wig, Onika Maraj looked dressed for an underground rock show. How she changed so fast, how she appeared so quick behind me still remains a mystery to this day. Not to mention where the fuck did she keep getting all these wigs and where did she keep them? But in that surreall moment, I was just glad she wasn’t wearing that fucking strap...
Nicki waved at her shirt with excitement to spare. “You like it? You’re a Strokes fan, right?”
The letter in my hand grabbed my gaze. “Yeah…” I held the message toward Nicki. “What the Hell is this!”
Caught off guard, Nicki’s grin disappeared. Her suspicion set in.
“I found this in the kitchen,” I said.
In a fierce instant, Nicki snatched the sheet. Read the note.
“I just wanna know who wrote it,” I continued.
Feigning indifference, Nicki tossed it to the ground. “It’s nothing, I wrote that shit.”
For once, her performance lacked emotion. Gone was the confidence.. her biggest strength.
I flashed a nervous smile. “No, you didn’t! There’s no fucking way!”
Nicki placed a hand to her temple. Avoiding eye contact. At war with her own invasive thoughts.
“I found the note Ashley left too,” I said. “I found all of them! I mean why’d someone write ‘help me,’ Nicki! Goddamn!”
Nicki stayed silent. There was no word. No explanation.
I leaned toward her. “That’s fucking crazy! I mean just-”
Staying strong in the face of my fake toughness, Nicki looked right at me. “Chill, Rhonnie.”
“But I wanna know-”
“Do you think anyone would ever wanna leave here?” Like a dismissive diva, she pushed me back. “Seriously, Rhonnie?”
Scoffing, I pointed toward the note. “Well, someone did apparently!”
“Just think about you and Ashley!” Nicki then flashed that taunting smile. “Y’all’s asses know you didn’t wanna leave!”
I hesitated in the cold. Let “Blue Christmas” continue through the hallway. The mansion. And deep down, I knew I had no response. Nicki was right.
Sensing my weakness, Nicki took an aggressive step toward me. Her pretty face matching mine. “You know I’m right, don’t you,” she cooed. In a slow lunge, Nicki ran her hands along my chest. Leaned in toward my ear for a sensual purrr….
The memories hit me hard. Flashbacks to the ferocious sex. Me, Ash, Nicki, Kellan. Our weeks of fun. Our thrist constantly quenched in this erotic paradise.
“You and Ashley still wanna come back,” Nicki teased in a gentle tone. She squeezed my ass. And got closer to my lips. “Y’all still miss me…”
I smelt the sweet wine in her breath. The booze helping us both lose control.
“We do...” I said. Now I ran my hands up and down Nicki’s majestic body. Felt along the smooth skin. The plastic… The best implants money can buy.
Our bodies collided. Swaying to the rhythm of “Blue Christmas.” Our souls stirred into a happy hysteria.
Nicki’s grin grew wider. “I missed y’all too…”
She gave me a drunken kiss. And I damn sure returned the favor. Gladly still clinging to my ass, Nicki’s other hand went down toward my crotch.
I lost control. The excitement too much.
“Rhonnie, get Ashley,” Nicki said between kisses. She draped her hands around my neck. “Stay here forevvverrrr…”
Smiling, I looked on at those brown eyes. Their mischievous glint. “I’ll think about it-”
A bombastic beat crushed Elvis’s crooning. Loud and obnoxious. A hip-hop air strike had hit Christmas.
I immediately recognized the song. And immediately cringed.
Cackling, Nicki leaned back. “Oh shit!”
I groaned. “Fuck, ‘Anaconda’? “Really?”
“Yes!”
Amidst the pop assault, Nicki pulled me in closer toward her. Another sloppy kiss accompanied this grating tune. The Queen’s hands went wild over my body. The song getting better as the make-out session continued. The intensity matching the incessant rhythm of “Anaconda.”
Nicki held me back. Her female gaze salivating me. The smile starving for more.
Grooving and shaking to the beat, I gave her a smug, seductive smirk. Pleased to have Nicki’s spotlight. “Hey,” I quipped.
Then Mrs. Majesty made her move. Lunging forward, Nicki was fast and quick. Her hands latched on to my arms.
“Whoa!” I joked.
Crying out, Nicki threw me up against the wall. Her sheer strength sent me into it hard… leaving me pinned to it.
There were some nerves. Not to mention a rising thrill. I turned and looked back at it. At Nicki.
Armed with that madcap grin, she descended upon me. Her fingers itching to grab. Her steps aligned with the song… As if she were pantomiming and acting out her own twisted music video. But that sly voice shined through. Even over the deafening soundtrack. Nicki’s excitement too high at this point...
“Oh my Gosh....” she said in a robotic melody. “Look at her butt…”
I was too drunk to move. But still enthralled… erect beyond belief. Here I was Nicki’s prisoner once more. At her manic mercy.
Smirking in silence, I let her tear off my sweater.
“Oh my Gosh, look at her butt,” Nicki kept singing. Those same lyrics repeated in a sexy mantra… Getting me all the more hot. The collision of the song and Nicki’s performance hypnotized me. I gave in to her fantasy… and my own.
Nicki pulled my pants down. Into the music, I grooved. Shook at her touch. All while she yanked off the khakis, then my tight boxers. I held my feet out, letting Nicki slide the socks off. She had me nude. Just as she wanted me.
Still singing along, Nicki pushed me further down. Bending me over… I felt those white pants fasten against my popped out ass. Felt her fasten those clamps of fingers to my hips.
Swaying to the reckless rhythm, Nicki’s passionate thrusts matched the song. One hit after the other...
“My anaconda don’t!” Nicki hollered. “My anaconda don’t!”
I closed my eyes and moaned. The sensations so amazing. Nicki didn’t even need a dildo to fuck hard. She had too much power as is.
Enjoying the show, Nicki moved my ass back-and-forth. Making me twerk on that crotch. Nicki getting the lapdance of her dreams. Not that I was complaining... Being her personal stripper was nothing new for either of us.
Continuing the concert, Nicki sang in a playful tone. Her voice so energetic and full of delight it overtook the fucking record. And only stopping for those dominant grunts. Nicki leaned in next to my ear. “This dude named Michael used to ride motorcycles…”
My breathing got heavier. In awe of Nicki’s poise. Behind aroused eyes, I watched her grab a hold of my big dick. All while she kept pounding away in this delirious dry humping. Nicki a Goddamn athlete.
“Dick bigger than a tower,” the Queen continued as she tugged on my cock for emphatic emphasis. “I ain’t talking about Eiffel’s…”
Something moist hit my ass. The crashes were repetitive and heavy. Nicki got out of control. A sexbot on the verge of exploding.
I moaned once more. Until Nicki’s hand covered my mouth. But she still kept going. I moved along with her. Shaking my ass to her delight.
“Real country-ass nigga, let me play with his rifle,” Nicki sang. “Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil…” In a wild flourish, she licked my face. A serpent’s tongue all along my smooth skin.
And the show went on. Through every lyric, every thrust. I gave in to the rap Goddess’s every move. Not to mention to her amazing stamina. Here I was sweating in the cold. Still erect. Still twerking...
At the fadeout, Nicki’s cackling hit overdrive. Her histrionics natural. She staggered back and gave my ass a passionate smack.
Exhausted, I turned and looked back at the Queen. At her triumphant smile. The colossal wet stain on the crotch of those white pants… An ocean of desire.
Another haunting rap beat started. Nicki’s “Get On Your Knees” began playing. A song reverberating through my mind. My body.
Nicki ran her hands down her pants in a sensual taunt. “Ooh, bring that ass here, baby.”
Gasping for breath, I staggered to my feet. Still naked. Still recovering from being dicked down.
“You should’ve been here all along,” Nicki continued.
I turned my attention to Club Staff. My mystery powered through… even in the post-sex bliss.
Nicki reached toward me. “Come here, baby.”
Avoiding her touch, I stumbled toward the room. Without the strap, at least my ass wasn’t in too much pain.
“Rhonnie!” I heard Nicki shout. “Don’t go in there!”
Over Nicki’s recorded harmonies and all-too-live screams, I could hear those voices. The cryptic chorus behind door number three. I snatched the knob. Glad to find it unlocked.
Behind me, I heard Nicki chase after me. “Bring that ass here!” she commanded.
I swung the door open and rushed inside. Being back in Club Staff ended my drunk disorientation. Not from reflective warmth but from the strange sight sprawling before me…
Nervous, I stopped in the middle of the room. The pink walls were still flawless. The antique jukebox still timeless. And from here I saw the secret room, its door wide open. Ashley and I’s personal suite…
The other wax figures were spread out like a staged party scene. Nicki Minaj by way of the Uncanny Valley. There was nerdy Nicki, tomboy Nicki. All aspects of the artist’s personality.
Both the pink dildo and red blouse were lying on the ground. The glasses she wore earlier. Wigs piled up in a colorful conglomeration. Club Staff now Nicki’s dressing room for all those costume changes. And also the site of her darkest desires.
But these familiar sights did little to soothe my dread. Still doused in sweat, I felt Nicki’s literal drip slide off my ass... Somehow, Nicki had shocked me once more. Scared me with the secrets of her forbidden room.
Open laptops were arranged on all those large tables. Rows and rows of them leading up to a large demigod of a flatscreen. The room featuring an electrical cult ceremony…
What they showed were live feeds. HD footage clearly taken from all these fucking cameras. In rooms I’d never seen. Areas of Nicki’s home and property I never knew existed. Many of the rooms from the sheds out back, I figured.
Strangers stayed on those screens. Attractive men and women, ranging from young adults to senior citizens. But they were all hot… All of them either stripped down or dressed in the nice fashion I knew Nicki picked out. They were her community. The Barbz she really wanted.
Most of these hottiees were engaged in sex. The mics made that much clear. There was everything: missionary, pegging, three-ways, Devil’s Threesomes, guy-on-guy. Whatever your hungry heart desired. Whatever the Hell Nicki wanted.
With several clips taking place at night, I knew the Queen had recorded everything. Not so much for security or surveillance. Just for herself.
In the videos, I recognized a few faces, the bodyguards amongst them. And of course, I recognized Kellan and his large dick. He was in a room of four, using the same playbook me, him, Ash, and Nicki perfected.
The same playbook I saw broadcast on that flatscreen. The footage showed the four of us from just a few months ago. The four of us having the sex of our lives. We must’ve really been amongst Nicki’s favs to be her star attraction…
Sure, I was disturbed. But nostalgia crept in upon seeing us on the silver screen. I gotta say I missed Kellan. Not to mention he was a long way from Trinidad… But maybe to him, the Minaj mansion was home. We did have our fun, after all.
But the romanticism died soon after seeing one laptop showing me in the lair. Showing me right now. In the nude. I now noticed several cameras dangling down from the ceiling, filming my fear.
More vivid glows emanated from the secret room. Undoubtedly there was more where this came from…
I now realized Nicki Minaj was a mirage. A sexially-explicit illusion used to draw in the thirstiest men and women. A Venus flytrap for Onika Maraj’s most depraved pleasures.
But still I needed to see more... Even over the chilling epiphany, curiosity compelled me. I charged up to the secret room. Until a certain singing stopped me.
I whirled around to face Nicki. She stood tall and defiant. Regardless of the striking stain, she didn’t look trashy. She wore that wet vagina well. After all, that crotch certainly didn’t feel like a pussy at times...
And all the while, Nicki sang along to the chorus of “Get On Your Knees.” A sly smile accompanying her flow. Her joy.
An intimate audience, I watched her the whole way through. This was Nicki The Artist and she sounded even better live. More natural. More raw.
As the track faded out, Nicki nodded toward the laptops. “You know they wanna be here, Rhonnie.” She strutted up to me.
Like looking at a much prettier Medusa, I turned to stone. Held in place by the beauty. The charisma.
“No one’s being held against their will,” Nicki continued. She stole an admiring glance at my cock before looking into my green eyes. “That’s their shit cars they left in the garage. Their shit clothes in the lockers. Their shit lives they left behind.”
“But still… it’s not right,” I struggled to say. “It’s weird.”
Soothing me, Nicki ran a hand along my arm. “They just wanted to be happy, Rhonnie. That’s all.”
I couldn’t respond. Naked and in front of Nicki, I was conflicted. Torn between the seduction and slavery.
Nicki leaned in closer. “I didn’t want you to see till you were ready.” She caressed my face. Her touch so… warm. “Till you and Ashley were here.” Her other hand clinged to my thigh.
Quiet, I ran my fingers through Nicki’s short hair. “Regret In Your Tears” next on Nicki’s always-appropriate soundtrack. This setlist always in sync with our current mood.
“I didn’t want y’all to get scared,” Nicki went on. Her hand drifted down to my ass. For another sensual squeeze. “That was all, Rhonnie.”
I pulled away from her. “Naw, I can’t…”
Forcing a cackle, Nicki grabbed my arm. Her demeanor drunk, her mannerisms driven by madness. “Rhonnie, look!” She pointed toward the station of so many screens. “I dress them well, they get to live with me!” Selling herself well, Nicki felt along her well-endowed chest. “They get to be with me, baby…” She lunged in closer, inches away from my face. “And that should’ve been you and Ashley!”
Now I yanked my arm back. “No! This isn’t right, Nicki! You’re asking us to give up everything! We’ve got fucking lives, man! I wanna write!”
Nicki’s smile stagnated. “And you can… You can write about me.” She pointed across the room. Of course, right at that huge dildo. “And spend more time with that!” She grabbed on to my shoulders. “Me, you, and Ash. Kellan. It’ll be just like old times, babe.”
“I can’t.” Struggling against that strength, I finally managed to escape her grips once more.
A glower overtook Nicki’s face. “What do you think this is then, Rhonnie!”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“This house! Me, bitch!”
Never had I seen her get this pissed. Sure, maybe crazy as Hell. Maybe psychosexual but not fucking angry.
Nicki pointed at herself. ”I’m the reason they wanna come! I bring them here, I keep them happy! They make me happy! I’m their fucking queen, Rhonnie! I make them want me, you understand!” She got in my face. But I was already scared into obedience. “Just like I did to you and Ashley!” She pointed to her head. “It’s in here, Rhonnie.” Immediately, she gravitated to that body. “And all here, baby! It’s got nothing to do with Onika! Nothing to do with me, the girl from Queens! The crazy family, the tragedies. It’s the way I look, Rhonnie! The ass and titties! The sex. Fucking. Sells.”
The height difference didn’t matter. Not now. Nicki stared me down hard. From both lust and anger. The dangerous ends of both emotions. I shivered under that spare. Nicki knowing full well she had me under her spell.
“What’s going on?” a deep voice rivaling mine asked.
We both turned. And well, Nicki’s excited smile contrasted my shock.
There was the man of the hour: Zoo. He stood a few feet away from us. His naked body no longer too surreal a sight in this freaky fortress. He was a handsome guy. Much taller than us. Much more sculpted than me A pretty prisoner both in the past and now. Kenneth checked off most of Nicki’s boxes: tough, thicc, and well-hung. Somehow, him and I had both managed to stay erect. Maybe there was something in the mansion’s air. But now Zoo’s glare stayed on me. The dude likely to break me by hand or dick…
Nicki’s grin hit sitcom levels. “Hey, baby!” she gushed. Drawn to her man, she rushed over and hugged him.
But Kenneth and I’s staredown wasn’t going anywhere.
“Is that the writer guy?” he asked Nicki.
“Yeah, that’s Rhonnie!” she beamed.
They fixated their gazes on me. There we were, the three of us with our dicks hanging out. Well, with Nicki’s lying closeby.
Through the tense silence, all we heard was the Minaj playlist. And the sounds of her prisoners. Their pleasurable moans and cries a constant off those laptops. Of course, I recognized my own exhalations on that flatscreen. God knows what the Hell I was taking in that clip...
Nicki pulled Kenneth closer toward her. Her man definitely lacked her enthusiasm. “He’s the one writing about us, Zoo!” she exclaimed. “And I’m helping him out! He’s gonna make us even more famous!”
“So I’ve heard,” he replied. His hands stayed by his side. Ready for any false move from rhonnie14.
“Ain’t that right, Rhonnie!” Nicki said. Her wicked gaze settled in on me. “You’re gonna write so many crazy stories, right.”
Reaching into the recesses of my soul, I found some half-ass courage. “I’m writing the truth, Nicki,” I finally said. I waved toward the laptops. “I’m writing about all this! The people you got here, the ones you’ve got trapped! Your prisoners!”
Needless to say, Zoo wasn’t amused. His glare now more permanent than Nicki’s glowing smile. But now Nicki was no different. She had no chance at hiding the rage boiling within.
“I’m telling the truth!” I yelled.
Nicki took a ferocious step toward me.
Trying to restrain her, Zoo grabbed the Queen’s arm. “Nicki-”
But nothing could stop her. Not even Zoo’s impressive muscles. Nicki bulldozed on by. Straight for me.
Oh fuck, I thought...
Nicki put a finger to my face. “And do you think anyone’s gonna believe you, motherfucker!”
I stayed quiet. Yeah, I was a chickenshit.
“I’ll just tell them you’re some fucking creep obsessed with me!” Nicki continued. “No one will buy what the fuck some random horror writer has to say! Yo ass look like you’re sixteen anyway!”
Crumbling under her irate pressure, I shrugged my shoulders. “That’s a compliment...”
“Shut the fuck up!” Nicki yelled.
I locked eyes with Zoo. Even he was keeping his distance from her.
“Yeah, listen to Nicki!” he added.
Nicki gave me a light shove. The glare slicing into me like a knife. “So you go write your goofy fucking stories! Pimp my name to the horror crowd! They’ll wanna be with the Queen too, boo! You know that!”
“You got him, Nicki,” I heard Zoo chime in.
Giving me her patented stank face, Nicki walked back toward her husband. Leaving me in an awkward, uneasy state.
I watched Nicki drape her arm around Zoo’s waist. Her outburst now veering toward a manic melancholy. “You should’ve stayed, you and Ashley both!” Nicki said. I saw her grab on to Kenneth’s ass. “Y’all’d have been the Paula Patton and Zac Efron in here. All for me…”
Doing his best to be supportive, Zoo held on to her tight. Caressed Nicki’s shoulder. Anything to stay on her sweet side.
Now Nicki’s performance hit pathos. Somehow, I felt sorry for her. Sympathy even in the face of millions and nothing but pretty people surrounding her.
“Y’all should’ve just stayed!” she said in a trembling voice. The emotions erupted. Shielding her eyes, she turned away.
I took a calm step toward her. “I can’t stay Nicki. We just can’t.”
Both Nicki and Zoo confronted me. They showed their hurt physically. Their wounds within. The dark side of being a social media freakshow.
Nicki showed teardrops. Wearing her usual melodramatic make-up, she’d have resembled a crying clown. But not when she was just dressed as herself… Not when she was Onika. A lonely, young woman simultaneously vindicated and destroyed by her own fucking dream.
Concerned, I ran a hand through my swoop. Kept an appropriate distance from the distraught couple. “What’s this really about, man?” I asked, forcing my voice at a chill calm. “Nicki, maybe you should talk to someone.”
That glare flashed through Mrs. Majesty’s tears.
“You just need to get some help,” I struggled to say. “There’s nothing wrong with that-”
“Help!?” Nicki shouted. She pulled away from Zoo. All her weeping eyes on me. “I don’t need any help, Rhonnie! I need people to fucking care!”
A worried Zoo reached toward her. “Babe.” This was the side of Kenneth I’d never seen. Unlike Nicki, he was no performer or actor. Just a caring husband to one of the most complex personalities in Hollyweird.
Nicki held him back. Instead, her attention stayed on me. The stare sharpened. Her defensiveness a weak disguise for those insecurities galore. “That’s all I want, Rhonnie! I love my fans, the real fans!”
“I know,” I said. “I wasn’t trying to-”
“But that’s not what people want!” Nicki cried. The floodgate of tears burst. Here was a woman on the verge of a brutal breakdown. A sad glimpse behind the bravado. Nicki the beautiful diva facing fate and alienation. “They want the big titty bitch! That’s it!” She pointed toward that ‘perfect’ figure. “They don’t care about me! The lyrics or the drive! It’s this! I just want someone to look past that! Someone like you! Lile Ashley!” She snatched Kenneth’s hand in a loving grip. “And Zoo… Y’all need to stay with me for more! For the music!”
Zoo and I made quick eye contact. I imagine we didn’t have much in common other than worrying over Nicki’s mental state… but that was bond enough.
Like a Shakespearean monologue, Nicki continued spilling her guts. The raw emotion on display. Whatever warts and all could be on those perfect physical features. “It’s why I do this!” She waved toward her body. “The surgeries, the make-up! I can’t get anyone to just listen!”
“But Nicki, there’s plenty of us,” I said. “Hell, I like the music!”
“It’s just sex, Rhonnie! Like I told you!” Nicki stared right at me. “That’s all they care about at the end of the day.” She waved toward the laptops. Nicki’s movements so fast and frenetic, her boobs could’ve caused an earthquake. Just as much as her morose expression would elicit heartbreak. “It’s why I don’t give a fuck about those sluts and shrimp-dicked idiots just getting off to me! They can’t understand me like you! Like all the people I bring here can!”
“There’s more of us though, Nicki. I swear! We don’t have to stay here to support you, man. We’re everywhere!”
“I just want them to like me for the music! The talent! Not the sex, not the bullshit!” Lost in her sorrow, Nicki turned away. Wiped off those countless tears. “I can’t do anything as a female rapper… I can’t be a Pac or Ye. I have to be the hot bitch… You don’t understand, Rhonnie. I never wanted it like this!”
Zoo grabbed her shoulder. “Yo, babe-”
Possessed by passion, Nicki swatted his hand away. She screamed aloud. Into the air. Into her own crazed soul. Exorcist Nicki her latest personality. Then those maniacal sights settled in on me. “I don’t need help, Rhonnie! I need supporters! People who like me for who I am! For who I fucking * really* am! I need them with me twenty-four seven, Rhonnie!”
Fighting my own tears, I stepped toward her. “And I do. Ashley and I both-”
“Then stay!”
Nicki’s anguish made me stop. All while it ate me alive. Maybe I knew Nicki more than most. But here I was wanting her to be okay... Here I was desperate to reassure the Queen of hip-hop.
“Stay here forever!” Nicki yelled.
I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicki. I can’t.”
With weary defeat, Nicki shook her head. Each and every tear nothing but bullets piercing into my naked flesh.
Zoo ran a hand along her arm. “Nicki. Hey-”
Nicki stormed out. Off stage and away from her erotic island. She never said goodbye. Never gave me that bright smile. For someone with her talent and dictionary, she didn’t say shit.
Feeling guilty, I watched Nicki adjust her pants. Adjust the stain sticking to her skin… And then she was gone. A gorgeous witch disappearing into the night.
The catchy Nicki tunes still played. Not to mention the enthusiastic voices still blasting off those feeds. But Kenneth and I may as well have stood in silence. So thick the tension was.
He finally looked at me. His stare was smoldering, intense. “Get the fuck out.”
Put on the spot, I glanced around the room. At the sex videos. Then at my own naked body. With a nervous smile, I confronted Zoo. Shrugged my shoulders. “Can I at least put my boxers on?”
I got to put on the nice clothes Nicki stripped from me. Got my bag, got an Uber for LAX, and got the fuck out of there. All on Nicki’s tab, thankfully.
Now I sat alone at the airport. Waiting on a two A.M. flight… All alone in my corner. No one was around me this late. The cold isolation here like a cavern. Not even the Christmas wreaths and trees could soothe me.
Holding my phone, I tried to pass the time. Tried to keep my mind off the bizarre Nicki encounter. I just had to put on Bruce. Now blasting “No Surrender” through my earbuds and into my rattled mind. Scared that playing any Nicki would be a siren call luring my ass back to her place… Her world.
That being said, the long wait left me in reflection. Nicki wasn’t wrong on any count. To quote one of her more obnoxious tracks, we were all just beez in the trap. Caught up in her lore, her talent. And yes, the insane beauty. But what unsettled me most was how she related it to me. You see, Nicki spelled out her personal dilemma. Fuck it, she even related the twisted reality to me. And Nicki was right all along. Regardless of how much she liked creeping on my Reddit porn accounts, she had a point. I had more fans piling in there for a pic I took in seconds rather than a story I poured my heart and soul into. A situation no different than Nicki’s more serious jams getting shunned in favor of twerking and brainless exploitation. Sex sells, man. No matter her personality, Nicki wasn’t wrong about that. Call it my What Price, Hollywood? moment… All courtesy of Onika Maraj.
And through the thoughts, my phone kept buzzing. Now here came call number three from Nicki. I chose to ignore it. I couldn’t face her this soon. Not after the unsettling encounters and her unsettling set-up. After the harrowing breakdown, I couldn’t answer her. I wouldn’t answer that call, I plead to my nervous self in an internal intervention.
And all the while, I texted Ashley. Told her how much I loved her. How I couldn’t wait to see her. Our bond rekindled to first-month glories until she sent me a new text: You should’ve stayed!
I looked on at the message, uneasy.
Then came Ash’s quick follow-up: Go back and I’ll come! :)
The fear returned. Nicki had been hypnotizing me. And apparently, she’d long had Ash under control. “What…” I said.
Overtaking my screen was another incessant call: Nicki. Who knew how drunk or high she was? Much less lonely.
Don’t answer, I reminded myself. Don’t give in.
Forcing myself, I silenced the call. Then sat there in awkward silence. In a quiet dread I couldn’t identify. Or control.
Just when I needed it, Bruce left me. My rallying cry of “No Surrender” gone. My whole Goddamn support system.
I texted Ashley back: Are you sure? I think we should wait, boo…
Her reply appeared immediately: YES! GO THERE NOW, STU-STU!
I stared on at her message. Her demand. Her eager euphoria. Here I was caught between arousal and disappointment. And at the end of the day I had no say in this weird, wild mess. Ash did.
Seconds later came a new text message. Not from Ashley but Nicki: Come back over, Rhonnie
The next SMS bullet hit me: I miss y’all already ;)
Another one appeared: Again
“Shit…” I said to myself. I got ready to ignore the message. This was Rhonnie’s last stand against the impulses. The thirst.
Until my phone pulsated to life. The call so ferocious I almost missed Nicki’s next text: I talked to Ashley!!! <3 :p
And that was when I laid eyes on the caller ID: on my girlfriend’s number. The death sentence to my attempt at defiance. As always.
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2020.02.23 15:00 jbb1979 Hello, my psychiatric experience, over time, years . . .

LIES, THAT INFEST PSYCHIATRY
POOR DOCUMENTATION, REGARDING THE DRUGS
Psychiatric drugs are often said to give heightened prolactin in 1 %, or maybe 10 % of patients. This is false, for several reasons . . The biggest one is, that psychiatric drugs block the D2 - dopamine receptor ( there are five dopamine receptors, called D1 - D5, D2 is the one that is considered ' anti - psychotic ', ie. blocking that inhibits psychotic behavior, and more ) . . We know from science, that skizophreniacs don't have more dopamine in the brain, than healthy people, R. Whitaker mentions this, and as such blocking it should have no effect, on psychosis, at least directly. I have been on several anti-psychotics, and I have never felt any lessening of psychotic symptoms, or reductions in degree, of delusions . . The patients I meet in the hospital also don't seem to get ' better ', they keep saying the same, crazy things, no matter how much ' medicine ', they get, I have never met a person, who got ' sane ', on the pills . . The second thing is, that it only increases prolactin in maybe 1 %, or 10 %, of patients . . This is scientifically false, as dopamine is an active ' brake ' on prolactin, meaning the second you inhibit D2 - receptors, prolactin always rises, except in a very small group of people, that have an abnormal dopamine transmission, have a flawed dopamine system, in the brain . . That means, that all the anti-psychotics, including clozapine, and Abilify causes prolactin to rise, as a physiological fact, in all humans, almost . . This is documented in a youtube talk, by a young doctor, who explains how the dopamine system works. A second problem is, that hypeprolactinemia is defined as ' above normal range ', which is Danish units is 450 mIU/L, for males, I think it is 20 units, in American standards, or numbers . . So, if a drug causes prolactin to increase, but inside this range, as the drugs Abilify, and clozapine should do, because they have weak ' inhibition ' numbers for this receptor, that might be the cause, for the low number, despite it happening . .
The second problem is, drug companies are only required to measure prolactin after 12 hours, or 24 hours, by the FDA . . So, any early spike, that is gone quickly, is ' described ' as being 1 %, or even 0 %, because of this flaw . . Clozapine has a spike, that is actually hyperprolactinemia, in a 2003 research article, above 450 mIU/L, in 6 out of 6 patients, on 300 mg clozapine, which is lower than the average dose, in Britain, which 450 mg, per day, in patients . . I have complained about psychiatric drugs always increasing my prolactin, and doctors have told me, that's psychotic, it doesn't do that . . According to medical science, it always does that, in 100 % of people, humans, and most mammals, as well . . So, if a drug gives a massive prolactin spike, but it has fallen to about 300 mIU/L prolactin ( below 450 mIU/L, upper normal range ), after 12 hours, the ' incidence ' is 0 %, or 1 % . . This is false, fraudulent . .
There is also the case, of the CAFE study, where they compared an old drug, to a new drug, and ' accidentally ' compared a low dose, of the new drug, to an equivalent ' high ' dose, of an older drug, ' equivalent ' dosages . . That made the new drug look better, than the older drugs, and it was marketed as such, as a revolutionary ' second - generation ' drug . . But, when FDA researchers checked the ' facts ', and compared a high dose of the old drugs, to a similar dosage, equivalent dosage, of the new drugs, they found very little difference . . The older drugs caused more movement disorders, problems, like ticks, spasms, but the newer drugs were worse, in terms of prolactin, hormone - problems . . That was the CATIE study, and the researches concluded the ' new anti - psychotics ', the second-generation drugs, were a clever lie, told to sell, and deceive health care funds, and governments, globally, a theft really, massive . . So, another problem in psychiatry is, that the companies have often lied, to sell more, and justify the price, of their newer ' patent - drugs ', for profit . . This means that the data, from the pre-clinical trials aren't guaranteed to be ' good ', and according to the Danish FDA, they put especial focus on those trials, because they know how many got the drugs, during those trials, precisely, and what other drugs they got, can ' restrict ' the test - subjects, so it's more valid . . In later studies, often it is difficult to find ' clean ' patients, many have other diseases, there are age differences, smoking, other such things, that complicate things, scientifically . . The Danish FDA writes that they put more emphasis on pre-clinical trials, for that reason, because they're more controlled . . That has implications for the validity, of the side-effect profile, released to the public, and it's veracity . . At least in regards to prolactin, the documentation is utterly flawed, a sham . . 100 % of patients, almost, experience an increase in prolactin, according to basic, medical science, that is taught in most medical schools . . It's physiology, ' body '-medical-science, in another word . . . Because of the flawed nature, of how drugs are documented, the definition of ' hyperprolactinemia ', and also the requirement to only test after 12 hours, or 24 hours after giving it, the drug, in pre-clinical trials, many drugs are under-reported, critically . . . The number should be 100 %, less if one uses the ' strict ' definition of hyperprolactinemia, as the ' standard ', but that misses clear spikes, that are scientifically valid, important, and strong . . Basically, this is poor documentation, fraud, and deceit . .
PROLACTIN AND THE MATERNAL INSTINCT, MATERNAL BEHAVIOR
I have gotten several anti-psychotics, and always complained I felt like a pregnant woman, hormonally . . I developed sensitive, sore nipples, lactated a few times, became very prone to crying, especially when seeing puppies, kittens, cute animals, and babies . . According to women, describing pregnancy, this is exactly what happens . . I also developed homosexual ' ideations ', and one might think, women become less sexually interested, during pregnancy, but it is actually the opposite . . In the first three months, there's less interest, because of nausea, bodily changes, other things, ' morning ' sickness . . But, in the second and third trimester, women generally describe an above-normal interest in sex, and intercourse, with their male partners, doctors describe this as well, and call the women that experience this, not all do, ' lucky ', ' fortunate ', and blessed . . As a man, I found that repulsive, and humiliating, embarassing . . I developed interest in anal-sex, with me receiving it, from other men, kissing men, and holding hands, with men, just like a pregnant . .
I have found over 100 scientific articles, saying prolactin changes ' mood, emotions, and behavior ', towards ' pregnancy ', ' mothering ' . . Yet, this side-effect, or ' natural ' consequence, hasn't been recorded on any anti-psychotic, despite it increasing in 100 %, of patients, physiologically . . I find it odd, that 40 million skizophreniacs, 1 % of the global population, and half of that, for the males, 40 million people, and all those people outside this group, that also got anti-psychotics, that not one of them has experienced this, because this is written, as absent, on all anti-psychotics, across the spread . . Not a single anti-psychotic, not even risperidone, which gives the most prolactin, of any psychiatric drug, has this mentioned as a side-effect, even in 0.01 %, or 0.001 %, of patients . . That's a lie, a direct deceit, as 100 % of patients experience this, in differing degrees, or extents . . So, there are massive flaws in the documentation, and even things doctors know from medical school WILL happen, aren't reported, even as 0.001 % of patients getting . . I find it strange, that you can make 40 million men into homosexuals odd, without even on in 10.000 complaining . . I conclude, it is intentional, clear fraud, that psychiatry knows about this, doesn't care, and cause male homosexuality, in 100 % of the patients, because that makes them easier to handle, ' less ' trouble . . In fact, since D2 - dopamine receptors is the only dopamine receptor responsible for prolactin increase, the D1, D3, D4, and D5 receptors don't change prolactin, when inhibited, I think it's the point, of the therapy, since it doesn't cure delusions, the dopamine system isn't sick, not the problem . .
Here's a link to those 100 articles, saying prolactin causes maternal ' behavior ', or male homosexuality, as science . . They're degrading mental patients, with cruel, barbaric treatments, globally, sadly . .
Download link, copy into Internet Explorer : https://gofile.io/?c=dke6xD
This documents, since 40 articles are by doctors, medical professionals, 40 articles are by other scientists, biologists, biochemists, pharmacologist, and the last 20 articles, are by journalists, other non-scientists, that quote this research, and that it is public knowledge, that psychiatry changes men into homosexuals, hormonally, for convenience, ease . .
When they did that to me, because I played too many video games, and got so excited, I made noise, disturbed the neighbors, so they couldn't sleep, I felt like this, in my soul . .
How prolactin feels, as a soul : https://gofile.io/?c=hW28TM
Often, on the high dosages, this lasted 22 - 23 hours, a day, and I was in hell, utterly tortured . . On 10 mg olanzapine, it lasted 8 - 9 hours, on 15 mg, it lasted 14 - 16 hours, and on 20 mg, it lasted 22 - 23 hours, each day . . I think the doctors know this, since the ' sedating ' effects were gone, pretty early, but the hormones stayed, and did the ' damage ' . . I think anti-psychotics are an excuse, to pump men full of pregnancy hormones, so they become more managable, easier, to deal with . . This fits well with how anti-psychotics don't really cure psychosis, but, it seems like a way to cripple, and humiliate men hormonally, by turning them into ' pregnant ' women, with pharmaceuticals . . This happens in 100 % of mental patients, according to science, and this ' side - effect ' isn't recorded on ANY anti-psychotic, ever . . I think it's the goal, with the drugs, at least in me, they made me tired until the morning, even on 20 mg, high dosage olanzapine . . The effect that remained, until the next pill, was the hormones, those effects . . This is something every serious medical practicioner should know, and to think psychiatry as a big organization, run by doctors, that are especially interested in how molecules, and hormones affect behavior, wouldn't know this, is basically a lie, they ' count ' on it, to debase, destroy, and torture patients, to make them more compliant, or ' easy ', to manage . . It's the oldest trick in the medical book, hormones, and how they work . . Prolactin is basically an ' estrogen ', only specific for pregnancy, and maternity . . Same effect, in the male brain, though, homosexuality, same-sex interests, and desires . . . I think anti-psychotics are designed to give ' prolactin ', and not cure psychosis, which isn't possible, with a simple pill, not, at all . . According to science, this is what always happens, in 100 % of patients, everywhere . . I wonder, it seems ' odd ', weird . . When a man is constantly ' assaulted ', by homosexual desires, he is weak, ' manageable ', and doctors rely on this, to ' sedate ' them, calm them . . At least according to all science, this is what happens, in patients . . And, it feels like hell, or torture . .
Psychiatry ignores this pain, lies about it, and continues to do harm, and often patients deserve 10 mg, but it's just easier to give 20 mg, look away, and ignore the pain, by the doctors, nurses . . A quicker day, less work, all too easy, and simple . . The pain is real, and the doctors lie, deceive . . That has been my CONSISTENT experience of psychiatry, the only real constant, is the hormones, the ' sex - changes ', for convenience, a ' quicker ' day, by the nurses . . They often laugh, visibly, when they see men behave like that, ' become ' homosexuals, but dismiss it when asked, directly . . They sometimes say, if you don't shut up about the side - effects, we'll increase the dosage . . Which, means more hell, more hours, passed in torture, and dissolution, as a ' man' . . .
So, here's LIE number one . . Anti-psychotic heal the mind . . No, they main, and scar the mind, at least in men, and ' degrade ' them, by turning them into ' hormonal ' homosexuals . . It is UTTERLY humiliating, and PAINFUL, all good doctors know this, the female doctors know it from themselves, both in theory, and from their own pregnancies, and they constantly lie about it, to get away with pumping patients full of these things, often for laziness, when a patient is crippled, riddled with pain, in spirit, they're less active, more ' sedate ', and this means less work, even if it's criminal . . We know psychiatry has always used brutal means, like lobotomies, metrazole injections, and other things . . Psychiatry is just as barbaric today, they just use chemicals, instead of surgery, that cause intense pain, instead of curing, or healing . . The 3 images above, about how it felt, is an accurate picture, based on mindfulness, of how I felt for 22 - 23 hours, each day, on drugs that were supposed to help me, ' cure ' me . . I didn't feel cured, I felt annihilated, chemically, as a soul, no less . .
ABILIFY - DOES IT CAUSE HALLUCINATIONS
Abilify is approved for 30 mg, as the maximum dosage, since 2003, at least in America . . Despite this, I was given 45 mg, in a Danish hospital, and was not informed . . This caused me to hallucinate, for many hours, each night, like and LSD - trip . . For those who don't know LSD - trips, I read about it, and it causes ' trips ' that last many hours, often up to 12 hours, because LSD gets ' stuck ' in the serotonin receptors ( 5-HT2a, 5-HT2c, I think ), and ' can't get out, chemically . . That is why LSD trips last much longer than other drugs, that effect . . Also, LSD is known to ' show ' what is inside a person's soul, or mind, their ' sub-conscious ' . . A scuba-diver might see dolphins, a brick-layer may see mortar, or bricks, and a singing-teacher might see hallucinations, of notes, musical sheets . .
On that dosage, I saw newborns, infants . . The reason is, Abilify inhibits the D2 receptor, like all anti-psychotics, and that caused prolactin, the hormone responsible for the maternal instinct, to rise, physiologically . . What do pregnant women think about all the time, instinctually, their babies, the newborns, the child . . So, because Abilify is ' pharmacological ' LSD, at the higher dosages, I saw that, and because I watch a lot of computer, play games, I saw it as three ' monitors ', hanging a meter in front of me, in the air . . I saw ' myself ', in the images, or hallucinations, which is exactly what LSD does, according to both science, and drug users, describing what it does, in the mind, the brain . .
I talked to another girl, in the hospital, a few days ago, and told her I had hallucinations, on Abilify . . She said she had that too, and they had to stop the treatment, it made her sick, the doctors removed the treatment, she ' got ' ill, hallucinated, specifically she saw people, and objects that weren't their, clear psychosis . . So, on the higher dosages, Abilify might also promote psychosis, and not cure it, and cause permanent damage to the patient's ability to ' perceive ' reality, something LSD is know to do, cause permanent psychosis, or hallucinations . . For me, these drug-induced ' visions ' lasted all night, surprising to most people who don't know drugs, that it lasts that long, but LSD is known to do that, in most people, it's established science, and recognized by users . . I have never done drugs, so I didn't know that, never wanted to . . So, ironically something marketed as an ' anti-psychotic ' is actually a ' pro-psychotic ', and hurts people's minds, at least on the higher dosages . . I have found articles, saying other people have gotten 60 mg, or even 75 mg, though they have been informed, before being given above-approved dosages, which I wasn't . .
Because the hallucinations, of babies, were accompanied by intense sexual arousal, because the drug, Abilify, also causes hypersexuality, I wanted to masturbate all the time, while I saw images, of babies, newborns . . Three weeks after being on Abilify, I tried to jump from a 7th floor window, the glass didn't break, luckily . . My parents saw I was crying, shaking, shivering, in a corner, couldn't speak, so they told the doctor to stop . . He stated, it's the psychosis that's coming out, he's resisting it, because he clings to his delusions, his ' disease ', but the DRUG is fixing it, ' pulling ' it out, like a bad tooth, or ' bad ' nails, on the toes . . He needs to get 60 mg, Abilify, and he'll be CURED, said the doctor . . My dad gave him a withering look, and said, THIS ENDS NOW, OR ELSE . . And, the doctor, being a little insecure, nervous, about himself stopped . . Now, I know the images of the babies, and the sexual arousal were disconneted, I wasn't interested in sex, with newborns, on the drug . . They were separate, not ' connected ' . . But, over those three weeks, they sort of ' grew ', and on the last night, I briefly touched my penis, because of the drugs . . For a moment, I was a ' real ' pedophile ', towards babies, newborns, and I RESENT that, HATE it . . The drug was supposed to make me clear, in the brain, instead it hurt me, as a soul . .
Here are the links, to how LSD works ( by affecting serotonin - system ) :
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysergic_acid_diethylamide#Pharmacology
And, how Abilify works in the same receptors, in the brain :
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aripiprazole#Pharmacology
It is unknown how LSD causes these hallucinations, precisely, so it's not possible to say if Abilify does this, I experienced a ' classic ' LSD trip, so did another girl I talked to, a few days ago, 2020-02-13, in Denmark . . I think Abilify, on the higher dosages, is a potent pro-psychotic, and not safe for mental patients, or people in general, my experience . .
Worst case scenario, Abilify can cause a person to live permanently, in a psychotic world, something LSD is known to do, in rare cases . . This goes back to how the drugs aren't properly documented, before they're sold . . This lack of quality, in the documentation, kills people, and the doctors don't care, not really . .
Can any professional, who understands drugs, help me understand if Abilify can cause these hallucinations, or LSD - trips, pharmaceutically . . I'm not an expert, don't know a lot . . . If someone were to ask, how many people have experienced hallucinations on Abilify, it could shut down that drug, all sales, in an instant . . The number is probably 10 %, if not more, maybe 40 - 50 %, or higher . . I also had mild hallucinations, on 15 mg, that were very brief, but there . . That's an approved dosage, and the drug is dangerous, toxic . .
On a side note, during those hallucinations, I first ' experienced ' being able to be ' outside ' my mind . . Over time, that has slowly developed into a psychosis, that I can trasmit, and receive thoughts, over great distances . . That ' feeling ', of being ' outside ' myself, physically, started when I got 45 mg, during those hallucinations . . Today, I am permanently psychotic, delusional, because of Abilify, probably, marketed as an anti-psychotic . . The very diseases they claim to cure, they cause, with their drugs . .
DANISH DOCTORS ONLY REPORT 2 % OF SERIOUS OR UNEXPECTED SIDE-EFFECTS
Under law, Danish doctors are required to report serious ( life-threatening, leading to longer hospital admissions, that serious ) side-effects, to the FDA, by law, it's a felony, to not do it, as a Danish doctor . . They are also REQUIRED to report unknown side-effects, as these can be very important, for other patients, save lives, even . . Yet, in 2017, 2018, and 2019, that number was only 2 %, according to the Danish FDA, of mandatory reporting . . Nurses, non-doctors report even less, about half that, and there are more of them, nurses, than doctors . . So, the other staff reports even less, less than 2 % . . . Denmark has one of the best health-care systems in the world, and one wonders, at the global standard, and realizes that we have no reliable numbers, for the incidence of side-effects, once it is given to millions, those numbers don't exist . . And, if a doctors considers a side-effect neither ' serious ', or ' unknown ', it gets reported less . . What this means is, one would think as doctors give this drug, to millions, we start getting good numbers, for how often serious, unknown side-effects occur, we ' get the ' number, but that never happens, doctors don't do their job, sadly . . It's described in this slide, by the Danish FDA, to Danish medical students . . Note, that in 2003 - 2004, Danish doctors reported 1 %, of SERIOUS, or UNKNOWN side-effects, it was worse then, and this reflects poorly on the number, globally, as well . .
Powerpoint slide series to Danish medical student, only 2 % of side-effects are reported : http://slideplayer.dk/slide/14043696/
This again validates, that the documentation regarding the drugs is flawed, potentially harmful . . This sloth, as I have talked about these side-effects I've had, for the last 10 years, has cost lives, made people psychotic, injured people . . I asked the Danish FDA about three months ago, has any health-worker reported any side-effects about me, and gave them my social security number, which they are required to write, when reporting for a patient, when reporting, the doctors . . In my case, the number was zero, no reports, ever . . . Even though I have complained about hallucinations, suicide, chemical homosexuality, and worse, for over then years, by now . . That's the standard, in psychiatry, but the 2 % number is for ALL Danish doctors, not just psychiatrists, and that has implications, for drug - safety, everywhere, on the planet, liver-medicine, kidney-medicine, anything . . . If a drug - company wants to cheat, sell a harmful drug, they can do it, because it never gets discovered, the doctors don't care, patients die, and it's malpractice, highly criminal, and fraud . . .
ABOUT CLOZAPINE, CALLED LEPONEX IN DENMARK, EUROPE
Clozapine is called Leponex, in other countries . . What does the word lepo mean, in latin, that Danish doctors are still being taught in medical school, I asked a medical student yesterday, 2020-02-13 as of writing . . The word lepo means ' scale ', and nex means ' death ', ' execution ', in latin, using google translate :
lepo : scale
lepris : leprous
nex : deaths
Now, leponex does not cause patients to develop large scales, or ' flaking ' . . And clozapine patients certainly don't die, from scaly skin, or becoming ' scaly ' . . However, when one looks at leprosy, it is caused by a bacteria, and most of the damage it causes, happens because of the bacteria ' damaging ' nerves, or nerve fibers . . The disaese leprosy is named from the word, in latin, for scale, ' lepo ', see this link :
Meaning of the word, in this link : https://wordinfo.info/unit/1167
See more information, in this link, varioous resources I found online, after searching for the words : https://gofile.io/?c=zLcREn
This refers to the nerve damage, where the bacteria damages the nerve myelin sheets, causing them to fall off, like flakes, scales . . So, what does this have to do with leponex, well it causes diabetes, often very aggressive diabetes . . Diabetes causes four kinds of harm, especially vascular damage, to the small blood vessels, NERVE damage, ocular damage, and kidney damage . . So, what does leponex mean in doctors language, they know the names of bodily organs, in latin, and diseases too . . Well, clozapine, lepo-nex means ' leper - death ', they cause the same damage as leprosy, just with diabetes, instead . . Or, more precisely, ' leper - execution ' . . It's a slow, progressing disease, where you lose sense of touch, slowly, but nerve activity to internal organs are also damaged, including to the heart, leading to angina, chest pains, from an injured nerve, and blood supply, and vascular dementia, to the brain . . It is slow, agonizing, and utterly terrifying, probably the worst form of execution you can invent, and psychiatry has used it since 1972, when it was marketed, to the world . . So, when a doctor gives a patient leponex, he's really thinking, ' chemical leprosy execution, or death ', as a professional . . If you go look at people, that have gotten diabetes from clozapine, for many years, they should look like lepers, almost . . Amputations, blindness, badly working internal organs, and more . . Not all get this, but according to some science, leponex causes diabetes in 55 %, of patients, and the Maudsley Prescribing Guidelines in Psychiatry says, risk of diabetes is high . . The Danish FDA says it only causes diabetes, in 0.1 % of patients, and one starts to realize, that the drugs aren't badly documented, but actively fraudulent, to enable psychiatrists to do these things, as they want . . I think psychiatry is just as bad, as it ever was, the damage they cause is simply more subtle, from the outside it might appear like the person just ' is that way ', has many diseases . . But, they've been caused by the drug, intentionally, by doctors . . If you go to a closed psychiatric ward, for the criminally insane, you'll see lepers, artificially created, with drugs . . Not all patients get it, but there are articles, where patients develop life-threatening diabetes, on dosages of 50 - 150 mg, in 7 - 10 days, of getting the drug . . Recommended dose range is 200 - 800 mg, in some countries, in others it's 150 - 950 mg . . Psychiatry performs inhumane, agonizing executions, with chemical, and cover it up, to make sure patients take the ' medicine ', without complaining, or fuss . . The whole thing runs on lies, deceit, and murder . . . The same thing with anti-psychotics, that create ' chemical ' homosexuality, they cover it up, to ' trick ' patients, into taking the drugs, that aren't helpful, or healing, in any way, at all . .
" Clozapine was first made in 1956, and sold commercially in 1972.[10][11] "
Source, wikipedia : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clozapine
So yes, psychiatry is as evil as it ever was, often worse . . . The damage just occurs under the skin, so you can't see it, or think it's the patient, who has those problems, that's all . . They need to lie about, to get away with, and the FDA is helping them do, because they have approved the diabetes incidence, of 0.1 %, though it is reported as 55 %, or 39 %, in research articles . . It's not possible to get such wildly varying numbers, regarding something so simple as diabetes, they just have to measure blood sugar, before, and after, so someone's lying, almost certainly, and giving the name of leponex, it's probably the FDA, the doctors . . If it became known how dangerous clozapine really is, they wouldn't be able to sell it, anywhere . . So, they lie, to the public, hide the data, deceive, so the patients are more compliant, take the ' drugs ', thinking it is medicine, a ' curative ' . .
VALPROATE - A MOOD-STABILIZER THAT ALSO STERILIZES
I was put on this mood-stabilizer, when I finally convinced my doctors I wasn't delusional, merely had mania, was impulsive . . It worked really well, for 3 - 4 months, then the effect disappeared . . I mentioned this to my doctors, but they insisted I keep taking, anyway . . The same problem occurs with anti-depressants, for me they worked well the first day, really well, actually, the second day there was 5 - 10, maybe 15 % effect and, on the third day, they simply didn't work, less than clear water, which is refreshing, a bit . . No effect, and research supports this Peter Goetzsche, R. Whitaker knows him, has documented this, and there are massive gaps, in the documentation . . However, about valproate, the mood-stabilizer, it is given for epilepsy, dose range 600 - 1200 mg, according to the Danish FDA, for mental patients it is recommended for 1000 - 2000 mg . . In 2003, it was found, this it caused testicular atrophy, in this article :
" However, after correcting for changes in body mass index (BMI), the testicular size/BMI ratio was lower in the valproate-treated patients. " Tested in 60 male patient . .
Source : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12940829
The research was more conclusive, in 2015, where they found that it castrates, with overwhelming certainty . .
Article title : Seminal fluid analysis and testicular volume in adults with epilepsy receiving valproate - 2015.
" Compared to controls, patients had lower levels of free testosterone (p<0.01), sperm concentration (p<0.0001) and count (p<0.0001), carnitine (p<0.01), and testicular volume (p<0.01), and higher rates of immotile sperm (p<0.001) and abnormal forms (p<0.0001). " Tested in 60 patients, or close . .
( p < 0.01 is science for, there's only 1 % chance, of this not happening, in patients and, p < 0.0001 means there's less than 0.01 % chance, of those things not happening, scientifically ) . .
Source : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25636832
As of 2020, this side-effect has been reported, in Denmark, and it has a male infertility indicence, of 0.1 %, no mention of lowered sperm quality, sperm damage, anything . . So, what does this lead to . . This very simple fact, psychiatry is lying about side-effects, to main, and cripple patients, with chemicals . . And it is not much better than it was, in the days of lobotomies, or more humane . . It's the same, sadly . .
When I started talking to other patients, men that became homosexuals on anti-psychotics, I was told it was not permitted, and we were shuffled to other wards, in the hospital . . I think psychiatry does everything it can, to cover up these side-effects, and lie . . I think, it's intentional, designed . . A girl I met in the hospital, told me she had started hallucinating on Abilify, and had thought her doctor had reported it, for her, that it wasn't her job . . He probably didn't . . My neighbor is on valproate, long-acting injections, and he has gotten scrotal hernia, and his scrotum is inflamed, possibly because the drug is destroying his testicular tissues, and it has gotten infected, the dead, decaying tissue . . Psychiatrists are massively, intentionally overlooking these side-effects, to hurt patients, and I have never experienced anything else, but neglect, deceit . .
That is the truth, about psychiatry, I'm a survivor, a former drug developer, who found the science . . If this isn't deceit, lies, it's the worst case of medical malpractice, and sloth I have ever seen, in any branch of science, ever, in the world . . So, I conclude it's intentional, malicious . . . Psychiatry is made of very well-educated people, foremost in the world, and they know science, worship it . .
I STARTED RECORDING IT, FOR DOCUMENTATION
About five years ago, I complained to the Board of Patient Complaints, in the hospital . . I was not given my journal, or informed I had a right, to see it . . I tried to convince them I wasn't crazy, but 9 out of 10 complaints are denied, in psychiatry . . The second time I complained, I got a lawyer, and he told me he needed my hospital files, the medical ' records ', to get ready for the complaint . . I went up, told them my lawyer had asked for my hospital files, but they misunderstood it, and gave it to me, not my lawyer, by accident . . As I read it, I saw they had written things I hadn't really said, ' twisted ', the truth, and reading it, I saw it made me look crazy, though I had complained about other things, other issues . . . also had the right to have it delivered, the week before the Patient Complaint ' Meeting ', which was on a tuesday morning, and I got it late in the afternoon, on a sunday, and had to read eighty pages of lies, exaggerations, and ' things I hadn't said, in that way ' . . The result was, when all the journal entries was put together, I sounded crazy, each little journal entry making it look worse, and worse, until I was sentenced, as crazy, by anyone reading it, I would have done that too, for sure . . That was when I started recording the ' talks ', also with the doctors, because I wanted to document what had been said, in the talks, before the Patient's Complaint Board, that's was all . . I have over 600 talks, with all staff, at a Danish mental hospital, going back five years now, complaining about these things, to everyone . . The last two years, I started video recording them, using spy cameras, hidden in cigarette packs, USB sticks, and sun - glasses, not because I ' hate ' them, mostly because I'm nervous about them lying, in my journal, which judges later read, during appeals, and so on . . A ' skewed ' hospital documentation, by the staff, can damn you, in any court, so I take precautions, that's all . .
When they found out I was recording them, because I put it in Facebook, and they saw it, they confiscated my phone, and said it was ' illegal ', to record them . . The hospital general lawyer wrote the same, to me . . When I asked my personal lawyer, he said it was legal, so long as I did not record anything of a personal nature, and published that, such a private matters, health-problems, addresses, and so on . . So, I smuggled a phone in, concealed in a cake, and recorded them anyway, so there, Ha ha . . .
Later, when I was in the hospital, they lied to the police, to confiscate my phone . . They claimed I had recorded the other patients, which was false . . I didn't need to record them, was not important to my case, and I didn't really care . . They were sad, sick, and I didn't benefit from recording that, or publishing it . . It would have been ' evil ', sick . . I never did that, it was bad, but the doctors lied to the police, so they took my phone, anyway . . So, I smuggled another phone in, and kept recording . .
Now, I'm in another housing project, and I have recorded them as well, with about 500 hours of video recordings, where I show them the papers I have shown you, documenting what they do . . I have a court-order to take medicine, because I threatened them, and got in a few fights, after 5 years of torture, and also being castrated, with valproate, I thought they had killed me, and 5 years of prolactin-torture, I couldn't take it anymore . . One incident, I pushed the doctor, so he fell, and raised a fist at him, and ripped his shirt, a bit, on the shoulder . . I did that, because he put me on 15 mg olanzapine, from 10 mg, and that meant prolactin-torture, many hours daily, 14 - 16 hours, over 10 - 12 hours, on 10 mg . . This is real, because prolactin increases in 100 % of patients, almost, that receive medications that block the D2 - dopamine receptor, see above, and turns one into a chemical homosexual, which feels like burning in hell, in ones soul . . He reported that as an assault, and I am now on leponex, ' chemical leprosy ' treatments, instead . . Though he knew these things from medical, he never explained to the police, that my aggression towards him was provoked by increasing the dosage, and sending me to Hell, on hormones . . . He lied . . . .
IN CONCLUSION
I have shown all these documents to the staff, over the last five years, they keep insisting it's delusions, and maintain the court order, and medicate me . . In the end, I walked into a trap, I now have angina, chest-pains, from a faulty heart, and even though they know, they ignore it, keep ' treating ' me . . I don't think there's anything in the world that can convince a doctor you're not crazy, they simply refuse to listen, ignore it, even the best medical science in the world . . My latest doctor told me, in a recorded talk, that all that science meant nothing, his ' clinical experience ' was more important, and he refused to talk about the science, the 100 articles included above, about prolactin's psychoactive properties, as a maternal hormone, that incudes ' maternal moods, and behaviors ' . . I got put on anti-psychotics, because I fell in love with a video-game, completely, and started playing all day, all night, often made loud noises, and disturbed the neighbors . . I asked for a room, in the basement, after some time, so I could play without disturbing others, I was so in love with the game, Street Fighter, that I couldn't stop, so addicted . . For this dangerous, insane psychosis, ' loving ' video-games, I was put on anti-psychotics, and incinerated with hormones, something I will never forget, can't . . I've been tortured, hormonally, for three, maybe four years, and that's all I remember, the torture . . In the end, they did it because it was easier, they didn't care . . By utterly crippling me, as a soul, they solved the problem with hard torture, and chemicals, that withered me . .
That's what psychiatry is, a place where they do all these things, and lie about it as much as they can, to ' lure in ' more patients, to ' trick ' them . . I've been tortured, grievously, and I will never forget it, the years feeling I was on fire, as a soul, a human being . . And, it's all science, constructed, by doctors, that want it, desire it . .
submitted by jbb1979 to mentalhealth [link] [comments]


2020.02.23 14:59 jbb1979 Hello, my experience in psychiatry . .

LIES, THAT INFEST PSYCHIATRY
POOR DOCUMENTATION, REGARDING THE DRUGS
Psychiatric drugs are often said to give heightened prolactin in 1 %, or maybe 10 % of patients. This is false, for several reasons . . The biggest one is, that psychiatric drugs block the D2 - dopamine receptor ( there are five dopamine receptors, called D1 - D5, D2 is the one that is considered ' anti - psychotic ', ie. blocking that inhibits psychotic behavior, and more ) . . We know from science, that skizophreniacs don't have more dopamine in the brain, than healthy people, R. Whitaker mentions this, and as such blocking it should have no effect, on psychosis, at least directly. I have been on several anti-psychotics, and I have never felt any lessening of psychotic symptoms, or reductions in degree, of delusions . . The patients I meet in the hospital also don't seem to get ' better ', they keep saying the same, crazy things, no matter how much ' medicine ', they get, I have never met a person, who got ' sane ', on the pills . . The second thing is, that it only increases prolactin in maybe 1 %, or 10 %, of patients . . This is scientifically false, as dopamine is an active ' brake ' on prolactin, meaning the second you inhibit D2 - receptors, prolactin always rises, except in a very small group of people, that have an abnormal dopamine transmission, have a flawed dopamine system, in the brain . . That means, that all the anti-psychotics, including clozapine, and Abilify causes prolactin to rise, as a physiological fact, in all humans, almost . . This is documented in a youtube talk, by a young doctor, who explains how the dopamine system works. A second problem is, that hypeprolactinemia is defined as ' above normal range ', which is Danish units is 450 mIU/L, for males, I think it is 20 units, in American standards, or numbers . . So, if a drug causes prolactin to increase, but inside this range, as the drugs Abilify, and clozapine should do, because they have weak ' inhibition ' numbers for this receptor, that might be the cause, for the low number, despite it happening . .
The second problem is, drug companies are only required to measure prolactin after 12 hours, or 24 hours, by the FDA . . So, any early spike, that is gone quickly, is ' described ' as being 1 %, or even 0 %, because of this flaw . . Clozapine has a spike, that is actually hyperprolactinemia, in a 2003 research article, above 450 mIU/L, in 6 out of 6 patients, on 300 mg clozapine, which is lower than the average dose, in Britain, which 450 mg, per day, in patients . . I have complained about psychiatric drugs always increasing my prolactin, and doctors have told me, that's psychotic, it doesn't do that . . According to medical science, it always does that, in 100 % of people, humans, and most mammals, as well . . So, if a drug gives a massive prolactin spike, but it has fallen to about 300 mIU/L prolactin ( below 450 mIU/L, upper normal range ), after 12 hours, the ' incidence ' is 0 %, or 1 % . . This is false, fraudulent . .
There is also the case, of the CAFE study, where they compared an old drug, to a new drug, and ' accidentally ' compared a low dose, of the new drug, to an equivalent ' high ' dose, of an older drug, ' equivalent ' dosages . . That made the new drug look better, than the older drugs, and it was marketed as such, as a revolutionary ' second - generation ' drug . . But, when FDA researchers checked the ' facts ', and compared a high dose of the old drugs, to a similar dosage, equivalent dosage, of the new drugs, they found very little difference . . The older drugs caused more movement disorders, problems, like ticks, spasms, but the newer drugs were worse, in terms of prolactin, hormone - problems . . That was the CATIE study, and the researches concluded the ' new anti - psychotics ', the second-generation drugs, were a clever lie, told to sell, and deceive health care funds, and governments, globally, a theft really, massive . . So, another problem in psychiatry is, that the companies have often lied, to sell more, and justify the price, of their newer ' patent - drugs ', for profit . . This means that the data, from the pre-clinical trials aren't guaranteed to be ' good ', and according to the Danish FDA, they put especial focus on those trials, because they know how many got the drugs, during those trials, precisely, and what other drugs they got, can ' restrict ' the test - subjects, so it's more valid . . In later studies, often it is difficult to find ' clean ' patients, many have other diseases, there are age differences, smoking, other such things, that complicate things, scientifically . . The Danish FDA writes that they put more emphasis on pre-clinical trials, for that reason, because they're more controlled . . That has implications for the validity, of the side-effect profile, released to the public, and it's veracity . . At least in regards to prolactin, the documentation is utterly flawed, a sham . . 100 % of patients, almost, experience an increase in prolactin, according to basic, medical science, that is taught in most medical schools . . It's physiology, ' body '-medical-science, in another word . . . Because of the flawed nature, of how drugs are documented, the definition of ' hyperprolactinemia ', and also the requirement to only test after 12 hours, or 24 hours after giving it, the drug, in pre-clinical trials, many drugs are under-reported, critically . . . The number should be 100 %, less if one uses the ' strict ' definition of hyperprolactinemia, as the ' standard ', but that misses clear spikes, that are scientifically valid, important, and strong . . Basically, this is poor documentation, fraud, and deceit . .
PROLACTIN AND THE MATERNAL INSTINCT, MATERNAL BEHAVIOR
I have gotten several anti-psychotics, and always complained I felt like a pregnant woman, hormonally . . I developed sensitive, sore nipples, lactated a few times, became very prone to crying, especially when seeing puppies, kittens, cute animals, and babies . . According to women, describing pregnancy, this is exactly what happens . . I also developed homosexual ' ideations ', and one might think, women become less sexually interested, during pregnancy, but it is actually the opposite . . In the first three months, there's less interest, because of nausea, bodily changes, other things, ' morning ' sickness . . But, in the second and third trimester, women generally describe an above-normal interest in sex, and intercourse, with their male partners, doctors describe this as well, and call the women that experience this, not all do, ' lucky ', ' fortunate ', and blessed . . As a man, I found that repulsive, and humiliating, embarassing . . I developed interest in anal-sex, with me receiving it, from other men, kissing men, and holding hands, with men, just like a pregnant . .
I have found over 100 scientific articles, saying prolactin changes ' mood, emotions, and behavior ', towards ' pregnancy ', ' mothering ' . . Yet, this side-effect, or ' natural ' consequence, hasn't been recorded on any anti-psychotic, despite it increasing in 100 %, of patients, physiologically . . I find it odd, that 40 million skizophreniacs, 1 % of the global population, and half of that, for the males, 40 million people, and all those people outside this group, that also got anti-psychotics, that not one of them has experienced this, because this is written, as absent, on all anti-psychotics, across the spread . . Not a single anti-psychotic, not even risperidone, which gives the most prolactin, of any psychiatric drug, has this mentioned as a side-effect, even in 0.01 %, or 0.001 %, of patients . . That's a lie, a direct deceit, as 100 % of patients experience this, in differing degrees, or extents . . So, there are massive flaws in the documentation, and even things doctors know from medical school WILL happen, aren't reported, even as 0.001 % of patients getting . . I find it strange, that you can make 40 million men into homosexuals odd, without even on in 10.000 complaining . . I conclude, it is intentional, clear fraud, that psychiatry knows about this, doesn't care, and cause male homosexuality, in 100 % of the patients, because that makes them easier to handle, ' less ' trouble . . In fact, since D2 - dopamine receptors is the only dopamine receptor responsible for prolactin increase, the D1, D3, D4, and D5 receptors don't change prolactin, when inhibited, I think it's the point, of the therapy, since it doesn't cure delusions, the dopamine system isn't sick, not the problem . .
Here's a link to those 100 articles, saying prolactin causes maternal ' behavior ', or male homosexuality, as science . . They're degrading mental patients, with cruel, barbaric treatments, globally, sadly . .
Download link, copy into Internet Explorer : https://gofile.io/?c=dke6xD
This documents, since 40 articles are by doctors, medical professionals, 40 articles are by other scientists, biologists, biochemists, pharmacologist, and the last 20 articles, are by journalists, other non-scientists, that quote this research, and that it is public knowledge, that psychiatry changes men into homosexuals, hormonally, for convenience, ease . .
When they did that to me, because I played too many video games, and got so excited, I made noise, disturbed the neighbors, so they couldn't sleep, I felt like this, in my soul . .
How prolactin feels, as a soul : https://gofile.io/?c=hW28TM
Often, on the high dosages, this lasted 22 - 23 hours, a day, and I was in hell, utterly tortured . . On 10 mg olanzapine, it lasted 8 - 9 hours, on 15 mg, it lasted 14 - 16 hours, and on 20 mg, it lasted 22 - 23 hours, each day . . I think the doctors know this, since the ' sedating ' effects were gone, pretty early, but the hormones stayed, and did the ' damage ' . . I think anti-psychotics are an excuse, to pump men full of pregnancy hormones, so they become more managable, easier, to deal with . . This fits well with how anti-psychotics don't really cure psychosis, but, it seems like a way to cripple, and humiliate men hormonally, by turning them into ' pregnant ' women, with pharmaceuticals . . This happens in 100 % of mental patients, according to science, and this ' side - effect ' isn't recorded on ANY anti-psychotic, ever . . I think it's the goal, with the drugs, at least in me, they made me tired until the morning, even on 20 mg, high dosage olanzapine . . The effect that remained, until the next pill, was the hormones, those effects . . This is something every serious medical practicioner should know, and to think psychiatry as a big organization, run by doctors, that are especially interested in how molecules, and hormones affect behavior, wouldn't know this, is basically a lie, they ' count ' on it, to debase, destroy, and torture patients, to make them more compliant, or ' easy ', to manage . . It's the oldest trick in the medical book, hormones, and how they work . . Prolactin is basically an ' estrogen ', only specific for pregnancy, and maternity . . Same effect, in the male brain, though, homosexuality, same-sex interests, and desires . . . I think anti-psychotics are designed to give ' prolactin ', and not cure psychosis, which isn't possible, with a simple pill, not, at all . . According to science, this is what always happens, in 100 % of patients, everywhere . . I wonder, it seems ' odd ', weird . . When a man is constantly ' assaulted ', by homosexual desires, he is weak, ' manageable ', and doctors rely on this, to ' sedate ' them, calm them . . At least according to all science, this is what happens, in patients . . And, it feels like hell, or torture . .
Psychiatry ignores this pain, lies about it, and continues to do harm, and often patients deserve 10 mg, but it's just easier to give 20 mg, look away, and ignore the pain, by the doctors, nurses . . A quicker day, less work, all too easy, and simple . . The pain is real, and the doctors lie, deceive . . That has been my CONSISTENT experience of psychiatry, the only real constant, is the hormones, the ' sex - changes ', for convenience, a ' quicker ' day, by the nurses . . They often laugh, visibly, when they see men behave like that, ' become ' homosexuals, but dismiss it when asked, directly . . They sometimes say, if you don't shut up about the side - effects, we'll increase the dosage . . Which, means more hell, more hours, passed in torture, and dissolution, as a ' man' . . .
So, here's LIE number one . . Anti-psychotic heal the mind . . No, they main, and scar the mind, at least in men, and ' degrade ' them, by turning them into ' hormonal ' homosexuals . . It is UTTERLY humiliating, and PAINFUL, all good doctors know this, the female doctors know it from themselves, both in theory, and from their own pregnancies, and they constantly lie about it, to get away with pumping patients full of these things, often for laziness, when a patient is crippled, riddled with pain, in spirit, they're less active, more ' sedate ', and this means less work, even if it's criminal . . We know psychiatry has always used brutal means, like lobotomies, metrazole injections, and other things . . Psychiatry is just as barbaric today, they just use chemicals, instead of surgery, that cause intense pain, instead of curing, or healing . . The 3 images above, about how it felt, is an accurate picture, based on mindfulness, of how I felt for 22 - 23 hours, each day, on drugs that were supposed to help me, ' cure ' me . . I didn't feel cured, I felt annihilated, chemically, as a soul, no less . .
ABILIFY - DOES IT CAUSE HALLUCINATIONS
Abilify is approved for 30 mg, as the maximum dosage, since 2003, at least in America . . Despite this, I was given 45 mg, in a Danish hospital, and was not informed . . This caused me to hallucinate, for many hours, each night, like and LSD - trip . . For those who don't know LSD - trips, I read about it, and it causes ' trips ' that last many hours, often up to 12 hours, because LSD gets ' stuck ' in the serotonin receptors ( 5-HT2a, 5-HT2c, I think ), and ' can't get out, chemically . . That is why LSD trips last much longer than other drugs, that effect . . Also, LSD is known to ' show ' what is inside a person's soul, or mind, their ' sub-conscious ' . . A scuba-diver might see dolphins, a brick-layer may see mortar, or bricks, and a singing-teacher might see hallucinations, of notes, musical sheets . .
On that dosage, I saw newborns, infants . . The reason is, Abilify inhibits the D2 receptor, like all anti-psychotics, and that caused prolactin, the hormone responsible for the maternal instinct, to rise, physiologically . . What do pregnant women think about all the time, instinctually, their babies, the newborns, the child . . So, because Abilify is ' pharmacological ' LSD, at the higher dosages, I saw that, and because I watch a lot of computer, play games, I saw it as three ' monitors ', hanging a meter in front of me, in the air . . I saw ' myself ', in the images, or hallucinations, which is exactly what LSD does, according to both science, and drug users, describing what it does, in the mind, the brain . .
I talked to another girl, in the hospital, a few days ago, and told her I had hallucinations, on Abilify . . She said she had that too, and they had to stop the treatment, it made her sick, the doctors removed the treatment, she ' got ' ill, hallucinated, specifically she saw people, and objects that weren't their, clear psychosis . . So, on the higher dosages, Abilify might also promote psychosis, and not cure it, and cause permanent damage to the patient's ability to ' perceive ' reality, something LSD is know to do, cause permanent psychosis, or hallucinations . . For me, these drug-induced ' visions ' lasted all night, surprising to most people who don't know drugs, that it lasts that long, but LSD is known to do that, in most people, it's established science, and recognized by users . . I have never done drugs, so I didn't know that, never wanted to . . So, ironically something marketed as an ' anti-psychotic ' is actually a ' pro-psychotic ', and hurts people's minds, at least on the higher dosages . . I have found articles, saying other people have gotten 60 mg, or even 75 mg, though they have been informed, before being given above-approved dosages, which I wasn't . .
Because the hallucinations, of babies, were accompanied by intense sexual arousal, because the drug, Abilify, also causes hypersexuality, I wanted to masturbate all the time, while I saw images, of babies, newborns . . Three weeks after being on Abilify, I tried to jump from a 7th floor window, the glass didn't break, luckily . . My parents saw I was crying, shaking, shivering, in a corner, couldn't speak, so they told the doctor to stop . . He stated, it's the psychosis that's coming out, he's resisting it, because he clings to his delusions, his ' disease ', but the DRUG is fixing it, ' pulling ' it out, like a bad tooth, or ' bad ' nails, on the toes . . He needs to get 60 mg, Abilify, and he'll be CURED, said the doctor . . My dad gave him a withering look, and said, THIS ENDS NOW, OR ELSE . . And, the doctor, being a little insecure, nervous, about himself stopped . . Now, I know the images of the babies, and the sexual arousal were disconneted, I wasn't interested in sex, with newborns, on the drug . . They were separate, not ' connected ' . . But, over those three weeks, they sort of ' grew ', and on the last night, I briefly touched my penis, because of the drugs . . For a moment, I was a ' real ' pedophile ', towards babies, newborns, and I RESENT that, HATE it . . The drug was supposed to make me clear, in the brain, instead it hurt me, as a soul . .
Here are the links, to how LSD works ( by affecting serotonin - system ) :
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysergic_acid_diethylamide#Pharmacology
And, how Abilify works in the same receptors, in the brain :
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aripiprazole#Pharmacology
It is unknown how LSD causes these hallucinations, precisely, so it's not possible to say if Abilify does this, I experienced a ' classic ' LSD trip, so did another girl I talked to, a few days ago, 2020-02-13, in Denmark . . I think Abilify, on the higher dosages, is a potent pro-psychotic, and not safe for mental patients, or people in general, my experience . .
Worst case scenario, Abilify can cause a person to live permanently, in a psychotic world, something LSD is known to do, in rare cases . . This goes back to how the drugs aren't properly documented, before they're sold . . This lack of quality, in the documentation, kills people, and the doctors don't care, not really . .
Can any professional, who understands drugs, help me understand if Abilify can cause these hallucinations, or LSD - trips, pharmaceutically . . I'm not an expert, don't know a lot . . . If someone were to ask, how many people have experienced hallucinations on Abilify, it could shut down that drug, all sales, in an instant . . The number is probably 10 %, if not more, maybe 40 - 50 %, or higher . . I also had mild hallucinations, on 15 mg, that were very brief, but there . . That's an approved dosage, and the drug is dangerous, toxic . .
On a side note, during those hallucinations, I first ' experienced ' being able to be ' outside ' my mind . . Over time, that has slowly developed into a psychosis, that I can trasmit, and receive thoughts, over great distances . . That ' feeling ', of being ' outside ' myself, physically, started when I got 45 mg, during those hallucinations . . Today, I am permanently psychotic, delusional, because of Abilify, probably, marketed as an anti-psychotic . . The very diseases they claim to cure, they cause, with their drugs . .
DANISH DOCTORS ONLY REPORT 2 % OF SERIOUS OR UNEXPECTED SIDE-EFFECTS
Under law, Danish doctors are required to report serious ( life-threatening, leading to longer hospital admissions, that serious ) side-effects, to the FDA, by law, it's a felony, to not do it, as a Danish doctor . . They are also REQUIRED to report unknown side-effects, as these can be very important, for other patients, save lives, even . . Yet, in 2017, 2018, and 2019, that number was only 2 %, according to the Danish FDA, of mandatory reporting . . Nurses, non-doctors report even less, about half that, and there are more of them, nurses, than doctors . . So, the other staff reports even less, less than 2 % . . . Denmark has one of the best health-care systems in the world, and one wonders, at the global standard, and realizes that we have no reliable numbers, for the incidence of side-effects, once it is given to millions, those numbers don't exist . . And, if a doctors considers a side-effect neither ' serious ', or ' unknown ', it gets reported less . . What this means is, one would think as doctors give this drug, to millions, we start getting good numbers, for how often serious, unknown side-effects occur, we ' get the ' number, but that never happens, doctors don't do their job, sadly . . It's described in this slide, by the Danish FDA, to Danish medical students . . Note, that in 2003 - 2004, Danish doctors reported 1 %, of SERIOUS, or UNKNOWN side-effects, it was worse then, and this reflects poorly on the number, globally, as well . .
Powerpoint slide series to Danish medical student, only 2 % of side-effects are reported : http://slideplayer.dk/slide/14043696/
This again validates, that the documentation regarding the drugs is flawed, potentially harmful . . This sloth, as I have talked about these side-effects I've had, for the last 10 years, has cost lives, made people psychotic, injured people . . I asked the Danish FDA about three months ago, has any health-worker reported any side-effects about me, and gave them my social security number, which they are required to write, when reporting for a patient, when reporting, the doctors . . In my case, the number was zero, no reports, ever . . . Even though I have complained about hallucinations, suicide, chemical homosexuality, and worse, for over then years, by now . . That's the standard, in psychiatry, but the 2 % number is for ALL Danish doctors, not just psychiatrists, and that has implications, for drug - safety, everywhere, on the planet, liver-medicine, kidney-medicine, anything . . . If a drug - company wants to cheat, sell a harmful drug, they can do it, because it never gets discovered, the doctors don't care, patients die, and it's malpractice, highly criminal, and fraud . . .
ABOUT CLOZAPINE, CALLED LEPONEX IN DENMARK, EUROPE
Clozapine is called Leponex, in other countries . . What does the word lepo mean, in latin, that Danish doctors are still being taught in medical school, I asked a medical student yesterday, 2020-02-13 as of writing . . The word lepo means ' scale ', and nex means ' death ', ' execution ', in latin, using google translate :
lepo : scale
lepris : leprous
nex : deaths
Now, leponex does not cause patients to develop large scales, or ' flaking ' . . And clozapine patients certainly don't die, from scaly skin, or becoming ' scaly ' . . However, when one looks at leprosy, it is caused by a bacteria, and most of the damage it causes, happens because of the bacteria ' damaging ' nerves, or nerve fibers . . The disaese leprosy is named from the word, in latin, for scale, ' lepo ', see this link :
Meaning of the word, in this link : https://wordinfo.info/unit/1167
See more information, in this link, varioous resources I found online, after searching for the words : https://gofile.io/?c=zLcREn
This refers to the nerve damage, where the bacteria damages the nerve myelin sheets, causing them to fall off, like flakes, scales . . So, what does this have to do with leponex, well it causes diabetes, often very aggressive diabetes . . Diabetes causes four kinds of harm, especially vascular damage, to the small blood vessels, NERVE damage, ocular damage, and kidney damage . . So, what does leponex mean in doctors language, they know the names of bodily organs, in latin, and diseases too . . Well, clozapine, lepo-nex means ' leper - death ', they cause the same damage as leprosy, just with diabetes, instead . . Or, more precisely, ' leper - execution ' . . It's a slow, progressing disease, where you lose sense of touch, slowly, but nerve activity to internal organs are also damaged, including to the heart, leading to angina, chest pains, from an injured nerve, and blood supply, and vascular dementia, to the brain . . It is slow, agonizing, and utterly terrifying, probably the worst form of execution you can invent, and psychiatry has used it since 1972, when it was marketed, to the world . . So, when a doctor gives a patient leponex, he's really thinking, ' chemical leprosy execution, or death ', as a professional . . If you go look at people, that have gotten diabetes from clozapine, for many years, they should look like lepers, almost . . Amputations, blindness, badly working internal organs, and more . . Not all get this, but according to some science, leponex causes diabetes in 55 %, of patients, and the Maudsley Prescribing Guidelines in Psychiatry says, risk of diabetes is high . . The Danish FDA says it only causes diabetes, in 0.1 % of patients, and one starts to realize, that the drugs aren't badly documented, but actively fraudulent, to enable psychiatrists to do these things, as they want . . I think psychiatry is just as bad, as it ever was, the damage they cause is simply more subtle, from the outside it might appear like the person just ' is that way ', has many diseases . . But, they've been caused by the drug, intentionally, by doctors . . If you go to a closed psychiatric ward, for the criminally insane, you'll see lepers, artificially created, with drugs . . Not all patients get it, but there are articles, where patients develop life-threatening diabetes, on dosages of 50 - 150 mg, in 7 - 10 days, of getting the drug . . Recommended dose range is 200 - 800 mg, in some countries, in others it's 150 - 950 mg . . Psychiatry performs inhumane, agonizing executions, with chemical, and cover it up, to make sure patients take the ' medicine ', without complaining, or fuss . . The whole thing runs on lies, deceit, and murder . . . The same thing with anti-psychotics, that create ' chemical ' homosexuality, they cover it up, to ' trick ' patients, into taking the drugs, that aren't helpful, or healing, in any way, at all . .
" Clozapine was first made in 1956, and sold commercially in 1972.[10][11] "
Source, wikipedia : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clozapine
So yes, psychiatry is as evil as it ever was, often worse . . . The damage just occurs under the skin, so you can't see it, or think it's the patient, who has those problems, that's all . . They need to lie about, to get away with, and the FDA is helping them do, because they have approved the diabetes incidence, of 0.1 %, though it is reported as 55 %, or 39 %, in research articles . . It's not possible to get such wildly varying numbers, regarding something so simple as diabetes, they just have to measure blood sugar, before, and after, so someone's lying, almost certainly, and giving the name of leponex, it's probably the FDA, the doctors . . If it became known how dangerous clozapine really is, they wouldn't be able to sell it, anywhere . . So, they lie, to the public, hide the data, deceive, so the patients are more compliant, take the ' drugs ', thinking it is medicine, a ' curative ' . .
VALPROATE - A MOOD-STABILIZER THAT ALSO STERILIZES
I was put on this mood-stabilizer, when I finally convinced my doctors I wasn't delusional, merely had mania, was impulsive . . It worked really well, for 3 - 4 months, then the effect disappeared . . I mentioned this to my doctors, but they insisted I keep taking, anyway . . The same problem occurs with anti-depressants, for me they worked well the first day, really well, actually, the second day there was 5 - 10, maybe 15 % effect and, on the third day, they simply didn't work, less than clear water, which is refreshing, a bit . . No effect, and research supports this Peter Goetzsche, R. Whitaker knows him, has documented this, and there are massive gaps, in the documentation . . However, about valproate, the mood-stabilizer, it is given for epilepsy, dose range 600 - 1200 mg, according to the Danish FDA, for mental patients it is recommended for 1000 - 2000 mg . . In 2003, it was found, this it caused testicular atrophy, in this article :
" However, after correcting for changes in body mass index (BMI), the testicular size/BMI ratio was lower in the valproate-treated patients. " Tested in 60 male patient . .
Source : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12940829
The research was more conclusive, in 2015, where they found that it castrates, with overwhelming certainty . .
Article title : Seminal fluid analysis and testicular volume in adults with epilepsy receiving valproate - 2015.
" Compared to controls, patients had lower levels of free testosterone (p<0.01), sperm concentration (p<0.0001) and count (p<0.0001), carnitine (p<0.01), and testicular volume (p<0.01), and higher rates of immotile sperm (p<0.001) and abnormal forms (p<0.0001). " Tested in 60 patients, or close . .
( p < 0.01 is science for, there's only 1 % chance, of this not happening, in patients and, p < 0.0001 means there's less than 0.01 % chance, of those things not happening, scientifically ) . .
Source : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25636832
As of 2020, this side-effect has been reported, in Denmark, and it has a male infertility indicence, of 0.1 %, no mention of lowered sperm quality, sperm damage, anything . . So, what does this lead to . . This very simple fact, psychiatry is lying about side-effects, to main, and cripple patients, with chemicals . . And it is not much better than it was, in the days of lobotomies, or more humane . . It's the same, sadly . .
When I started talking to other patients, men that became homosexuals on anti-psychotics, I was told it was not permitted, and we were shuffled to other wards, in the hospital . . I think psychiatry does everything it can, to cover up these side-effects, and lie . . I think, it's intentional, designed . . A girl I met in the hospital, told me she had started hallucinating on Abilify, and had thought her doctor had reported it, for her, that it wasn't her job . . He probably didn't . . My neighbor is on valproate, long-acting injections, and he has gotten scrotal hernia, and his scrotum is inflamed, possibly because the drug is destroying his testicular tissues, and it has gotten infected, the dead, decaying tissue . . Psychiatrists are massively, intentionally overlooking these side-effects, to hurt patients, and I have never experienced anything else, but neglect, deceit . .
That is the truth, about psychiatry, I'm a survivor, a former drug developer, who found the science . . If this isn't deceit, lies, it's the worst case of medical malpractice, and sloth I have ever seen, in any branch of science, ever, in the world . . So, I conclude it's intentional, malicious . . . Psychiatry is made of very well-educated people, foremost in the world, and they know science, worship it . .
I STARTED RECORDING IT, FOR DOCUMENTATION
About five years ago, I complained to the Board of Patient Complaints, in the hospital . . I was not given my journal, or informed I had a right, to see it . . I tried to convince them I wasn't crazy, but 9 out of 10 complaints are denied, in psychiatry . . The second time I complained, I got a lawyer, and he told me he needed my hospital files, the medical ' records ', to get ready for the complaint . . I went up, told them my lawyer had asked for my hospital files, but they misunderstood it, and gave it to me, not my lawyer, by accident . . As I read it, I saw they had written things I hadn't really said, ' twisted ', the truth, and reading it, I saw it made me look crazy, though I had complained about other things, other issues . . . also had the right to have it delivered, the week before the Patient Complaint ' Meeting ', which was on a tuesday morning, and I got it late in the afternoon, on a sunday, and had to read eighty pages of lies, exaggerations, and ' things I hadn't said, in that way ' . . The result was, when all the journal entries was put together, I sounded crazy, each little journal entry making it look worse, and worse, until I was sentenced, as crazy, by anyone reading it, I would have done that too, for sure . . That was when I started recording the ' talks ', also with the doctors, because I wanted to document what had been said, in the talks, before the Patient's Complaint Board, that's was all . . I have over 600 talks, with all staff, at a Danish mental hospital, going back five years now, complaining about these things, to everyone . . The last two years, I started video recording them, using spy cameras, hidden in cigarette packs, USB sticks, and sun - glasses, not because I ' hate ' them, mostly because I'm nervous about them lying, in my journal, which judges later read, during appeals, and so on . . A ' skewed ' hospital documentation, by the staff, can damn you, in any court, so I take precautions, that's all . .
When they found out I was recording them, because I put it in Facebook, and they saw it, they confiscated my phone, and said it was ' illegal ', to record them . . The hospital general lawyer wrote the same, to me . . When I asked my personal lawyer, he said it was legal, so long as I did not record anything of a personal nature, and published that, such a private matters, health-problems, addresses, and so on . . So, I smuggled a phone in, concealed in a cake, and recorded them anyway, so there, Ha ha . . .
Later, when I was in the hospital, they lied to the police, to confiscate my phone . . They claimed I had recorded the other patients, which was false . . I didn't need to record them, was not important to my case, and I didn't really care . . They were sad, sick, and I didn't benefit from recording that, or publishing it . . It would have been ' evil ', sick . . I never did that, it was bad, but the doctors lied to the police, so they took my phone, anyway . . So, I smuggled another phone in, and kept recording . .
Now, I'm in another housing project, and I have recorded them as well, with about 500 hours of video recordings, where I show them the papers I have shown you, documenting what they do . . I have a court-order to take medicine, because I threatened them, and got in a few fights, after 5 years of torture, and also being castrated, with valproate, I thought they had killed me, and 5 years of prolactin-torture, I couldn't take it anymore . . One incident, I pushed the doctor, so he fell, and raised a fist at him, and ripped his shirt, a bit, on the shoulder . . I did that, because he put me on 15 mg olanzapine, from 10 mg, and that meant prolactin-torture, many hours daily, 14 - 16 hours, over 10 - 12 hours, on 10 mg . . This is real, because prolactin increases in 100 % of patients, almost, that receive medications that block the D2 - dopamine receptor, see above, and turns one into a chemical homosexual, which feels like burning in hell, in ones soul . . He reported that as an assault, and I am now on leponex, ' chemical leprosy ' treatments, instead . . Though he knew these things from medical, he never explained to the police, that my aggression towards him was provoked by increasing the dosage, and sending me to Hell, on hormones . . . He lied . . . .
IN CONCLUSION
I have shown all these documents to the staff, over the last five years, they keep insisting it's delusions, and maintain the court order, and medicate me . . In the end, I walked into a trap, I now have angina, chest-pains, from a faulty heart, and even though they know, they ignore it, keep ' treating ' me . . I don't think there's anything in the world that can convince a doctor you're not crazy, they simply refuse to listen, ignore it, even the best medical science in the world . . My latest doctor told me, in a recorded talk, that all that science meant nothing, his ' clinical experience ' was more important, and he refused to talk about the science, the 100 articles included above, about prolactin's psychoactive properties, as a maternal hormone, that incudes ' maternal moods, and behaviors ' . . I got put on anti-psychotics, because I fell in love with a video-game, completely, and started playing all day, all night, often made loud noises, and disturbed the neighbors . . I asked for a room, in the basement, after some time, so I could play without disturbing others, I was so in love with the game, Street Fighter, that I couldn't stop, so addicted . . For this dangerous, insane psychosis, ' loving ' video-games, I was put on anti-psychotics, and incinerated with hormones, something I will never forget, can't . . I've been tortured, hormonally, for three, maybe four years, and that's all I remember, the torture . . In the end, they did it because it was easier, they didn't care . . By utterly crippling me, as a soul, they solved the problem with hard torture, and chemicals, that withered me . .
That's what psychiatry is, a place where they do all these things, and lie about it as much as they can, to ' lure in ' more patients, to ' trick ' them . . I've been tortured, grievously, and I will never forget it, the years feeling I was on fire, as a soul, a human being . . And, it's all science, constructed, by doctors, that want it, desire it . .
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