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tl;dr = prodigal son
To be clear:
This testimony is not about me, not for my own reputation or glory or my own notoriety. It is to hopefully turn some of you reading this towards salvation through Jesus Christ, our Lord and saviour, who came in the flesh as a human being 2000 years ago (approx.) and laid down his life as a propitiation for the sins of all mankind via Roman crucifixion. He rose again 3 days after his death, in so doing conquering death and Satan and permitting mankind to access salvation via belief in Him as God and His resurrection. He ascended to heaven where he is seated at the right hand of God and will return to earth in the future at an unknown date to judge mankind.
SECTION 1: BORN AND RAISED ––– 1995 - 2012
I came to know Jesus as a little boy. From the earliest time I can recall, back in preschool, Jesus was always a part of my life. I remember making a craft where we took a rock (representing Jesus) and wrote ‘the way, the truth, and the life’ on it (Jesus describes himself as this in a passage from the Gospels) and I still have it in my childhood bedroom). I loved Sunday School and I loved reading the Bible and bible stories as a little boy.
I vaguely recall the moment I ‘accepted Jesus into my heart’. I was in the backseat of the car and I asked my mom how to become a Christian (at about 4 to 5 years old) … and she explained to me I had to believe in Jesus and accept him into my heart. And I tried my hardest to do that! My mom later told me that she teared up at that moment because she could just tell that I genuinely had put my faith in Jesus at such a young age and had become a Christian at that moment.
My mom was the person who led me to Christ. She has an extremely strong faith in Him and she loved/loves me and my brother with the kind of love that could only come from knowing Jesus. My mom is the most precious person to me in the world. When I was 13, she unfortunately became acutely psychotic and began to hear voices with religious overtones. It was hard on me, and everyone in our family. I think going through this was one of the factors that shook my faith.
I took my faith very seriously. After I got my Driver’s license, while my mother was too ill to drive, I dutifully drove her every Sunday to the small church we attended where I was a member of the worship band. I was quite involved and listened attentively at every sermon. I like to believe for my age I had a pretty solid grasp of the theology being discussed. I was interested, I cared. Over the course of a year or two while I was about 13 to 14, I read the entire Bible cover to cover. All throughout growing up from what I can remember, I made sure to read at least one chapter of the Bible every night and I prayed morning and night.
So how the heck did I end up turning away from my faith?
Factor A: Fear of Not Being Cool
While I was on exchange in France in Grade 11, it really hurt me how the kids there made fun of me for being Christian. I remember one night, we were sitting at a bar having shooters and these kids I had just met were literally mocking me to my face for just believe in Jesus. I brushed it off at the time, but it really wounded me and made me not want to be Christian. Being a teenager, I just really wanted to fit in and be cool so I started to try to hide my faith as much as I could and keep it private, lest others find out and ridicule me.
I was not cool in high school. Heading off to [college], I saw it as a fresh start and was determined to make cool friends and be cool. Cool cool cool. How on earth was I going to be cool if people found out I was some weird Christian Jesus freak? So, I made the choice to just abandon Christianity altogether and pretend that I never was Christian (unfortunately, my plans failed anyways and even dropping Christianity could not make me cool – I remained a reject LOL)
Factor B: Seeds of Doubt
I remember when I was like 16… these doubts started to creep into my mind as if spoken into my head by someone –– previously my faith was very strong, but I started to hear questions in my head like: Is God reeeeaaaally real? Why does God allow bad things happen to good people? Why does God allow some people to be saved and others not? How could a loving God allow that to happen to his creation? Why would God create people just destroy them?
Satan himself putting those questions in my mind – he loves nothing more than ripping Christian kids away from their faith and dragging their souls down to hell
SECTION 2: WAYWARD – CHILD –– 2012 - 2020
When I graduated high school, I was happy. Had good relationships with family and friends I had. Was very successful academically. I was a happy kid.
Fast forward to 25 years old where my life has turned into a dark, decrepit, depressed charade
Ever since I made the worst decision of my life at 16 to leave the church and to leave Jesus, pretty soon I spiralled into depression in my first semester of university. It NEVER went away. I had moments of happiness, sure, but they were momentary. The sense of alienation and loneliness pervaded every aspect of my life. And the worst thing was the fatigue that came with it. I made the poor choice of beginning to take prescription stimulants (starting with methylphenidate and working my way up to amphetamines) to address my energy issues.
You know those gray days where everything just feels kind of bleh? That was what every day felt like to me. There was no joy in being with people, and EVERYTHING felt like a task, like a checkbox. Going through the motions. A performance. Like I said above, a charade. My medical school colleagues will be familiar with the SIGECAPS mnemonic for depression – I hit every one of those except suicidal ideation, thank the Lord.
Sin. It started with dipping my toes in its murky water. Then turned into full immersion into behaviours that would nearly destroy me. You name it, I did it. My medical school classmates will recall my issues with binge drinking. Partying. Tons of casual sex. All the ‘bad behaviours’.
But the two sins that dominated my life in recent years were:

  1. Drugs
Stimulants nearly ended my life. I pretended to be OK for years every day in medical school while battling abuse of prescription stimulants. I needed them just to get through the day. I would spend 95% of my day thinking about where I was going to get my next pill. You couldn’t see them but believe me I was in chains to this addiction. I am so grateful to God to be free from this and I am crying as I type this.
  1. Porn
Hardcore gay porn. Multiple times a day. Sometimes even for hours at a time. I couldn’t stop. Could not stop. Even for unreligious people the use would qualify as beyond problematic. It was destroying my mind. Rotting my brain. I shudder when I think of the untold weeks (if you add up the hours) I lost to this destructive habit that, too, had me in chains.
That’s the thing about sin. It…. controls you. You think you are in control but you’re not. Sin. Addiction. ‘A rose by any other name’…
But worse than these behavioural things, was the kind of person I turned into. My character, or lack thereof…
Dishonesty: I turned into a pathological liar, a fundamentally dishonest, deceptive person. I intentionally deceived people, sometimes even in academic settings.
Selfishness: All I thought about all day long was myself and my problems. I couldn’t pry my mind off of me me me me me me me me me.
I was just generally a bad person. I would volunteer pretending to care about stuff only doing it for the ulterior motive of medical school applications. I would pretend to care about causes I never thought about outside of observed settings for my own clout. Truly a pathological, sick, messed up kid. Basically, I turned into a charlatan masquerading as a good person when on the inside I was a rotting corpse, morally. I lied so much I deceived MYSELF into believing I was a good person. I mocked Christianity and ridiculed Christians, even mocking my own mother for her strong convictions.
And I had insight into how amoral I was! I was AWARE that I had something wrong with me and that I needed to fix myself. I tried doing behavioural therapy on myself, refusing to believe that the problem could be I stopped believing in God. Hint – it didn’t work. God was made up, obviously. How could a made-up figure possibly help me?
SECTION 3: “Have you guys seen ___’s Instagram story???” ¬¬–– FALL 2019
In fall 2019, I started taking an antidepressant (superimposed on chronic stimulant abuse). My mood quickly became elated. Too happy. Too good. Towards the 6-8 week mark of my antidepressant course I started to experience psychotic phenomena. I can go into all of the details later if you are interested, but it all culminated the week of October 16, 2019 (the date I was hospitalized).
I can’t exactly remember what symptoms came first, but I remember one night not being able to sleep and turning on the TV just before 3 AM. And there were music videos playing and to me, the singers weren’t looking into a camera they were looking through the screen into my eyes. Then at 3 AM exactly this scary music video came on and freaked me out. I interpreted this to be a call to some kind of religious mission. I had a meeting a student health professional who tried to direct me to the psychiatric emergency, but I am clever and even in my manic state I managed to talk my way out of it. Later that day, I went to a lecture, when the clock struck 3:00 PM exactly the entire room transfigured before my eyes. The lecturer turned into a dark satanic figure with pitch black eyes. His voice became unnaturally low and demonic. I was horrified. The lecture slides seemed to be altered and full of obvious mistakes and no one around me seemed to notice. I had no idea what was going on and I was amazed as all around me everyone was glued to their laptops and did not notice this Satanic figure in the room. I had to get out of the room, so I STORMED out of the room fearing for my life. Outside in the hospital always, the world had transfigured into this apocalyptic scene. Everyone’s face was dejected, and they seemed to be suffering. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I, unfortunately, decided to visit a supervisor from work right at that moment where my lunacy was exposed. I later went home and misinterpreted a passage from the Bible to mean that [city] would be destroyed within a few hours and if I wanted to live… I had to get to [neighbouring hometown]! (completely insane)
I got in my car and sped to [hometown] at a demonic pace. At one point, a police officer turned on their lights behind me to pull me over – but I knew better, this was Satan disguised as a cop car! I would not be fooled –– so I floored it to 200 kph going down the highway to [hometown]. A few minutes later, the cop car disappeared in my rearview mirror. Did I hallucinate it? I have no idea. It is a ******miracle****** I did not kill anyone or myself that night. Going down [highway], I have lost all my memory of that portion of the drive. I don’t know what happened. I have fragmentary memories of a ripping down the shoulder of the road at like 130 kph and swerving at the last possible second to avoid crashing into 4 construction workers – I have this image emblazoned in my mind of these young guys bracing for impact knowing they were going to die and my car somehow swerving around them defying the laws of physics.
I showed up at my childhood home where my dad and brother were preparing to catch me and bring me to the hospital, appropriately. Unfortunately, in that state, I started hallucinating and saw their faces become red and demonic looking and realized this was not my dad and brother but were imposters that had taken over their bodies. So, I physically assaulted them, believing they were trying to murder me and I needed to fight for my life. I’ve never hit anyone in my life.
You don’t need all the details, but within a few hours I was in the psychiatric emerg. and the next day on the psych ward. My delusions were many and shifted quickly. I thought the psychiatric ward was heaven at one point. At several points I thought I was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. I can’t even remember them all. A few things I do remember were:
a. quickly meeting a man who said he had been waiting for my arrival, and who somehow knew that I had a 98% high school average and went to [my medical school] without me being able to discern how he would know that –– he claimed God revealed this information to him and that God had put him in the hospital in order for him to meet me. Over the course of the two weeks preceding my admission, the religious overtones led me back to faith in the existence of Christ but not Christianity per se. This man helped turn me back to the Bible and redirect my behaviours and attitudes to realign with Christian ones.
b. There was this elderly man who could barely speak English who I would play checkers with. One day, he passed me a sheet of paper he had been doing a drawing on and asked me to sign it. It was titled, “The End of the World”.
c. the end of my stay on the psych ward, it felt like I was being given a series of instructions to complete from a supernatural source. It culminated in one day, me sitting down to have a conversation with an elderly man on the ward. I know he wasn’t God, obviously, but the things he said to me in that moment seemed to be as if God were speaking to me. He said: “I knew you would figure it out eventually, [my name]” I shuddered with fear. I can’t remember everything he exactly said, but basically he confronted me about how dishonest I was as a person, and kindly explained to me that living a more honest life was not hard to do. I don’t care whether or not it was just a coincidence or not, as far as I was concerned, those words hit me as from a divine source.
And innumerable other weird occurences that seemed like some kind of message to me. All the messages to the effect of “change your life, young man” “turn away from sin” “repent” etc
(The doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia, if you’re wondering. I don’t have that, LOL)
I was ‘psychotic’ for a solid month after I was admitted to the hospital and they took me off stimulants which is how they diagnosed me with bipolar – as stimulant-induced psychosis should clear much earlier than that. I remember going to the movies with my dad and had this ominous premonition telling me no! don’t go see that movie! To the point where I almost asked dad to see a different movie ¬¬–– but recovering psych patient __[me]__ told himself, “don’t be insane, it’s just a movie, it can’t hurt you” – so I went. The movie was Parasite. From the very first word in the movie, I was convinced that every single word of the script on the screen was a message directed to me. It seemed to be saying to me in code words that I had been chosen to go on some mission to spread the gospel to a lot of people. I was paralyzed with fear by how real it seemed that God was speaking to me through the screen. When I went home, my bed was made perfectly, and it had been messier earlier that day. I immediately thought it could be supernatural, but my dad is a hard-boiled atheist and laughed it off, but he could never explain why it was made either.
SECTION 4: WAFFLING
Basically, since that hospitalization, I waffled back and forth between wanting to be Christian and turning away from it back to my old habits of drugs, porn, dishonesty, etc. This past fall, the alternation got faster and faster back and forth, and I started to feel this sense of disorganization and confusion. Like I couldn’t control my thoughts. This sense of internal chaos. I felt like I was losing control of myself. Like I couldn’t predict my own behaviour. I grew anxious over how quickly I would change my modus operandi and struggled with not being able to control my future decisions.
The sins intensified as a ‘coping mechanism’. The porn thing got super intense and messed up until a few weeks ago. One day, I came across this picture (attached) of myself as a little boy and I started bawling, imagining if that little boy could see his future self now… and the pathetic piece of s**t he had turned into. This bright-eyed, happy little boy had turned into a sick loser.
https://preview.redd.it/cu8xw6ta20261.png?width=554&format=png&auto=webp&s=d25887075e7a5462c114e83cf26e1e2f75dd1ce1
I started crying and could feel Jesus calling. God had more in store for that bright-eyed little boy than what I had allowed my life to become.
I knew I had two choices: continue to devolve into degeneracy and lead a meaningless life serving Satan or turn back to Christ and save myself from the bottomless pit of despair I was digging myself into. In spurts of Holy Spirit-inspired action, I made the necessary changes in my life. I threw out all my sex paraphernalia. Just threw it out. Done with it. Took my last Adderall last Friday –– for my whole life, so help me God. Then I pushed through a major barrier in my new-found faith –– fear of evaluation of others. Last Thursday, I witnessed about my faith to the physicians with addictions group I have to phone into every month. The testimony poured out of me emotionally as if I didn’t even have to think of the words, as if they were being said for me. I could tell that the Holy Spirit was acting in me to spread the good news and I felt this transcendent sense of joy that I’ve never felt in my life. That I’d never known from anything before. This sense of accomplishment and having done something for God’s kingdom. An elation I’d never knew was possible.
SECTION 5: FREE
I knew that in that moment I had finally attained salvation. No more waffling back and forth between sort of Christian and sort of not. Committing to Christ. Not going back across the dotted line this time, ever again. Now, I am sure that I am ‘saved’, as they say, for once and for all.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. And NOT because I was on drugs. And I NEVER have trouble sleeping. Temptations came to sin once again after I had just made such a substantial step in my faith –– I phoned my mom and we prayed against demons and Satan and immediately a peace came to me. And the most amazing thing happened. I saw angels flying around me in my bedroom glittering in gold with wings and tiny halos.
After this transformative experience, through reading scripture and what psychiatrists would call delusions of reference –– it became apparent to me that I needed to face my fears of rejection and ridicule by peers and share my faith with everyone I knew. Basically, I was convinced God was instructing me to share my faith.
And every time I have shared my faith this past week the joy within me has grown and my sense of confidence has grown in parallel. Not a confidence so much in my own worth but in the fact that I am doing something useful for God’s kingdom.
I believe I am free from sin. Temptation has only come to me once since I found true salvation. It is no longer a daily battle where every day it’s 50/50 whether I cave to sin or not. The compulsion is no longer there. I’m not attached to sin anymore. Literally.
Satan fought hard for my soul but in the end Christ won. Christ always wins. If I can be saved (I intentionally omitted some of the details of the bad things I’ve done over the years to protect my career), you definitely can as well! 99% of you reading this will think I’m crazy but I am hoping even just 1% of you reading this will consider whether there is something more to life than what we see every day, and that maybe there is something that comes after we die.
Matthew 16:24-26 –– “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains” the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?”

I will leave you with my favorite Mariah lyrics that build me up whenever other people break me down:
________________________________
They can say,
Anything they want to say
Try to bring me down, but I will not
Allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me,
And they can try
Hard to make me feel that I
Don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or lose faith in my dreams
'Cause there's
There's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me

They can do
Anything they want to you
If you let them in
But they won't ever win
If you cling to you pride, and just push them aside,
See I,
I have learned
There's an inner peace I own
Something in my soul that they cannot possess
Oh I won't be afraid and the darkness will fade
'Cause there's
There's light in me me
That shines brightly, yes
They can try
But they can't take that away from me

No, oh
They can't take this
Precious love I'll always have inside me,
Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go

They can say
Anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I won't face the ground
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach
Although they do try
Hard to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to fall,
Tell me what I believe or lose faith in my dreams
'Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly yes


Can’t Take That Away (Mariah’s Theme)
Mariah Carey
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2020.11.28 03:40 MarsNirgal Porn near me live

Edit: This post covers up to 2007. Chikilicuatre will be in my next post of this series. You can stop asking now.
I'm writting this today because Junior Eurovision is on Sunday and things are shaping juicy there, so I better get this out of the way before I have to write something else.
Here are some frequently used terms that might be helpful:

  • Eurovision: The Gay Olympics An international music contest in which most countries in Europe and some not in Europe take part.
  • EBU: European Broadcasting Union, an international body made by many national broadcasters that organizes Eurovision and sets its rules.
  • TVE - Radiotelevisión Española, the Spanish national broadcasters that represents Spain at Eurovision.
  • National selection: The process in which a national broadcaster selects their representative to Eurovision every year.
  • Internal selection: When a national broadcaster directly designs an artist to represent them, without anyone but the higher-ups there having any say.
  • National final: When a national broadcaster holds a competition with several artists trying to go to Eurovision. Usually the public gets a vote to decide who goes.
  • Juries: Panels of alleged music experts who vote, both in Eurovision and in national finals.
  • Televote: Vote by the public, usually done by phone/SMS and in some cases by internet, both in Eurovision and in national finals.
  • OT: Operación Triunfo, a Spanish talent reality TV show.
  • Block voting: Countries with close ethnic and cultural ties giving each other unusually high votes.
Now, in my first post here I explained some of the shenaningans around the two victories of Spain right before 1970, and in the second post I wrote about the following three decades. Now, believe it or not these were supposed to be the introduction, and I intended the real post to start here.
The turn of the century and the OT years
Spain ended the century with a last place in 1999 and started the new century placing eighteenth out of twenty four in 2000, and then returned to the top six with a fucking banger in 2001. Both the 2000 and 2001 entries were selected through a national final named Eurocanción and there's really not that much to mention there, but then in late 2001 something happened that would shake things up: Operación Triunfo.
Airing one year before American Idol started, Operación Triunfo was one of the first reality TV singing competitions and the originator of the Star Academy franchise, and it was a massive success. Several singers from its first generation are still megastars in Spain, like Chenoa and specially the first runner-up David Bisbal, who has reached number one of the charts in Spain with sixteen singles and eight albums, including one released this year.
The eventual winner was Rosa López, who had been a heavy favourite since the very beginning, placing in the top nine out of the twelve episodes, including the first six in a row, and was only up for elimination once.
TVE decided that OT and Eurovision would be perfect to promote each other, so they announced that one of the contestants would be chosen to represent Spain at Eurovision in 2002, and predictably the chosen one was Rosa, with the song "Europe's Living a Celebration".
Spain was riding a high here: The song was released a month after she had won OT, the runner-ups would be her backing singers, and she had anthem for European unity that would capture the hearts of Europe and prop her to the win. She got nicknamed "Rosa of Spain". Everyone in Spain was convinced that she would win or at least place very, very high, and the night Eurovision came the entire country came to a standstill. That Eurovision night was the most watched TV program in Spanish history so far. Over 14 million people, 85% of viewers, were ready to see how she would soar...
And then she placed seventh.
I wouldn't call it a bad place, but it was certainly much lower than what the hype had led the Spaniards to expect and it was widely perceived as a failure, maybe even as Europe letting them down.
It also didn't help that the year was kind of perceived as having a weak winner, Marie N from Latvia with "I Wanna". I personally love it but most people felt that it relied too much on a gimmicky staging and the song was not that good. (And they may be right. I Wanna is the only Eurovision winner that wasn't commercialy released outside its homeland, and even it Latvia it never cracked the top 30 in the charts. Although I will defend that her staging was revolutionary and that it transformed Eurovision, and that anyone who calls it "topical" in the comments will only do so because of everyone who came after her and tried to capture the same spark).
So the Spaniards were pretty unhappy here. Spain had poured its collective heart on that entry and they felt like they had been stabbed in the back and given a victory to a gimmicky, inferior song instead, while they hadn't even made it top five. Their confidence in Eurovision was pretty shattered there.
Still, they persevered. There was a second edition of Operación Triunfo in 2002-2003, which was somewhat less successful than the prior edition, and the second runner-up Beth was chosen to go to Eurovision in 2003 with "Dime". Although there was much less hype, the Spaniards still had some hope. Beth had a fresh song, she was youthfully tasteful, and she would do well. Maybe last year had been a fluke and this year Europe would recognize how hard Spain was trying, and they would return to the top 5.
Well... they didn't. Beth placed one position lower than Rosa.
This pretty much put the nail in the coffin in Spain's interest in Eurovision. Again, it was their third top ten in a row, but somehow the fact that both Rosa and Beth had placed lower than in 2001 and lower than what people expected them to place was a big disappointment for Spain.
There was a third edition of Operación Triunfo in 2003-2004 and the first runner-up Ramón was chosen to go to Eurovision with Para llenarme de ti. The hype was pretty much not there and he placed "only" tenth.
It was seen as disappointing at the time, but if you want a heads up, in the sixteen years since no other Spanish entrant has managed to place higher than that, and the two tenth places they've got since have been seen as big triumphs.
This was also the start of the end of Operación Triunfo. TVE refused to film a fourth season and sold the rights of the show to another channel that filmed and aired five more seasons with varying levels of success and finally cancelled it due to low ratings. And basically, this was also the start of the end of Spain caring about Eurovision. Two consecutive years failing to live up to the hype they had created convinced the Spanish public that they would never do well in Eurovision, so why care?
Love thy neighbor
Before we move onto the next year, there are a few things that would be good to explain before we start with 2005. There is no drama here, just a lot of Eurovision nerdyness so you can skip it if you want.
First: In Spain there was (and still there is) a certain perception of the division between "Old Europe" and "New Europe" that comes straight from the Cold War divide and carries to Eurovision. Old Europe are the countries that belonged to the West and built Eurovision and carried it for its first three or four decades. New Europe are the countries born from the Soviet Union and Yugoslavia and their close allies and they entered the contest much later. Latvia, for example, had only debuted two years earlier before their win in 2002.
I think this map with the decade in which each country debuted can show it much better than me. (Attribution to Wikipedia user Sims2aholic8, source here )
The second is how this changed the process of the contest: in the early decades Eurovision took place in a single night in which all competing countries would perform their songs, but the number of entries increased steadily: Before 1986 no contest had had more than 20 countries, and after that year no contest had less than 20 and a peak of 25 entered in 1993. Then a relegation scheme was implemented in which the countries placed in the bottom each year would have to sit out the next year so the total number of countries participating didn't become unmanageable.
In 1999 this was ammended to prevent four countries from ever being relegated: Spain, United Kingdom, France and Germany are the largest finnancial contributors to the organization of the contest and provide the largest audiences, so it was in the interest of the organizers having them each year, so they were exempt from relegation, and they got called "The Big Four".
But still, the amount of countries competing kept on growing and eventually too many contestants would have been relegated, so in 2004 a new scheme was introduced: There would be a semifinal a couple days from the contest, from which ten countries would qualify to the final. The Big Four would qualify to the final, and the top ten countries of the previous year (other than the Big Four) would also have a place in the final, so the final would always have 24 countries. Nice and clean.
The number of countries still kept on growing, and in 2008 they had to make TWO semifinals, with ten countries qualifying from each, and give a guaranteed spot in the final only to the host country (the winner of last year), and the Big Four. Italy had sat out of the contest from 1993 to 2011, but when they returned they were added to the Big Four and turned it into a Big Five.
And the final thing we have to explain is a core concept in Eurovision which is block voting. Most countries in Europe can be grouped in clusters that have close cultural ties: The Nordic countries, the German-speaking countries, the ex-Yugoslavian group, the former Soviets, the Baltic states, etc. Countries in each group tend to have close cultural ties, a similar language, lots of artists famous in one are also famous in the neighbors, and usually they also have a large percentage of immigrants from countries of the same cluster. So people from one country have a certain propensity to vote for their neighbors. Before 1999 most of the voting was done by juries appointed by each country, but televoting became widespread at the same time that all these new countries were debuting in Eurovision, which meant that lots of the times countries in each bloc would vote for each other, and the winner would be the song thta managed to appeal also to countries outside their bloc. It also meant that relatively isolated countries like Slovakia or Andorra would have very little chance to even make it to the final.
The semifinals amplify this effect: Not all countries pass to the final, but all of them VOTE in the final including the non-qualifiers, so the countries from a bloc that are in the final have the undivided support of their entire bloc.
Closely related to this is the concept of diaspora voting, in which countries that have large fractions of their population living in another countries tend to have larger televoting points from these countries. Spain and Italy, for example, gave a lot of points to Romania allegedly because of that, and Germany to Turkey for the same reason.
In 2009 this was amended and each country's points are determined half by an appointed jury and half by televote, which has lessened this effect a little.
And related to this is the concept of political voting, in which there is the perception that political events impact voting in Eurovision. The clearest example is (allegedly), United Kingdom placed last with no points in 2003 because of its support to the American invasion of Iraq. And definitely not because they didn't hit a single note in their performance.
Anyway, in general this can be mostly summarized, from the point of view of the public in Spain, as in "Eurovision was taken over by a bunch of new countries that place well because they vote for each other, and we won't place well no matter what we do because we have no neighbors or diaspora." It's not something that happened overnight, but a concept that slowly creeped in their subconscious collective.
Anyway, off to 2005 now.
The ladies who killed Eurovision without even going
After 2004 OT was pretty much dead as a selection procedure for Eurovision, so for 2005 TVE decided to hold an open call for artists to take part in a national final.
One of the groups chosen to take part in the national final was Las Suprémas de Móstoles, a trio of middle-aged sisters with odd haircuts that entered with the song Eres un Enfermo (You're a Pervert), the lamentation of an aggravated wife whose husband doesn't touch her because he's addicted to online porn and cibersex.
This is clearly a joke entry. It's also pretty catchy and they're rather charismatic and the song became a semi-ironic hit that still sometimes it's heard in parties in Spain a decade and a half later.
Joke entries are not so uncommon in Eurovision, we've had entries about penguins, pirates, vampires, about Eurovision itself, moustaches, political struggles in Portugal, economic recession and... whatever the fuck this was about.
And sometimes they even can be a good idea. A year with a joke entry is a year when a country can sit back and relax and simply NOT CARE because the result doesn't matter. If it's fun and they get to laugh it doesn't matter what happens because the song is not supposed to do well, although sometimes they do: in 1979 Germany placed fourth with a song about Genghis Khan, in 2008 Ukraine placed second with a drag queen singing about whipped cream and dressed like a disco ball, and in 2012 Russia placed second with a group of grandmas baking cookies onstage and singing about a family party.
After three years of progressive disappointment it seemed like the perfect moment for this kind of entry for Spain. It would even be kind of a catharsis, some sort of middle finger to Eurovision, and they would be back to form the following year.
And then they placed second in the national final. By a slim margin, the winner were Son de Sol with Brujeria, another trio with a pop song with folk influences and some... odd... rapper interjecting every now and then. It could be confused with a joke entry, but the difference is that it lacks the intent. If there was laughter, it would be Europe laughing at them and Spain, not them and Spain laughing at Europe. Las Supremas would have been a pretty intentional joke, so bad it was good. This was just so bad, without the "it's good part".
And they placed twenty-first.
What would have happened if Las Supremas had gone to Eurovision instead? Would they have placed well? I personally doubt it: a successful joke act is one of the hardest things to pull off in Eurovision, because you need to have a concept clear enough to let the entire public into the joke and share it and at the same time have enough appeal to entice the public that is not in it for the joke. With Las Supremas 90% of the joke is in the humor in the lyrics, but that is in a language that most of the European public doesn't speak, so they would have missed the joke. I don't think they would have placed much higher (if any higher at all) than Son de Sol. But some people believed that if they had gone they would have done really well because in the televote years oddity was rewarded.
But the thing is that this sealed the attitude of the Spanish public. If Rosa and Beth's "failures" had made them to stop taking Eurovision seriously, being offered and ultimately denied the catharsis of a joke entry, choosing the "serious" act of the national final only to watch it crash and burn anyway, pretty much convinced the Spaniards that Eurovision was not worth it.
And a lot of the public has not let go of that even fifteen years later. "Let's send a joke. If we're going to do bad anyway at least we get a laugh out of it" is an attitude than a lot of Spaniards have (I've heard it myself from some friends of mine), when it's an attitude that should have been kept only one year.
The worst part of this, though, is that this attitude creates a feedback loop. The public has a negative perception of Eurovision and this means that if TVE tries to do well and gets invested in trying for a good result they are perceived as wasting time and money (Even if a single episode of most series filmed by TVE is usually more expensive than the yearly eurovision participation), so they don't really try that much and that guarantees bad results, which feed the negative perception of Eurovision.
But wait, there's more.
On why past success is not a guarantee of future success
In 2006 TVE decided not to make a national final. In general, from this year on you can safely assume that TVE wants to get Eurovision done with a minimum of effort and without really caring about the results, and if they can get a credible enough artist to go they will do it, and if not they will try to have a national final kinda rushedly.
They held an open call and chosen internally from the artists that submitted songs. There group chosen was Las Ketchup. You might remember them from the 2002 hit Aserejé which topped the charts in eleven countries. They had only released another single between 2002 and 2006, and they went to Eurovision with their third song: Un Bloodymary.
This was pretty... bad. The staging is all over the place, with some office chairs as the main element and two dancers. The voices are not there. They couldn't even coordinate their movements, and in some moments one of the backing dancers was a couple beats behind the other. They placed twenty-first again.
On the other hand, this was the year when it became clear that the voters liked their things MEMORABLE. The winner was Finland's Lordi with Hard Rock Hallelujah, a paroxysm of growling, fireworks and everything that is extreme and awesome, and the runner up was Russia's Dima Bilan with Never Let You Go a weird collection of mullets, ballerinas, rose petals and a ghost woman coming out of a piano. Again, a gimmick and a memorable staging doesn't give results alone, but it helps as long as things are well done.
Here you have Massiel, the winner in 1969, explaining what was the difference between these entries and how Finland had presented a quality act and all the many ways in which Spain had failed.
But for Spain, this confirmed their conception of Eurovision-as-a-circus in which they would never do well.
Of course, by that moment they had already stopped caring.
Confirmation bias: You have it, use it.
In 2007 Spain held a lengthy national final that ended with boyband D-Nash being chosen for Eurovision with the song I love you mi vida.. They weren't bad, just slightly unmemorable, and they were rather unlucky in the running order, coming out nearly the start of the show and twenty songs later no one remembered them. They placed 20th.
In relation to Spain's attitude to Eurovision I would like to mention the top 2 this year:
The winner was Serbia's Marija Serifovic with Molitva.. This was Serbia's first entry as an independent country, having just separated from Montenegro. Serbia and Montenegro had placed in the top 10 twice in 2004 and 2005 and then withdrawn in 2006 because of some fraud allegations in their national final, and in mid-2006 Montenegro held an independence referendum that was peacefully recognized by Serbia. Since other country breakups in former Yugoslavia had been anything but peaceful, this was pretty lauded and some perceived this victory as rewarding Serbia for keeping peace.
The runner up was Ukraine's Verka Serduchka with Dancing Lasha Tumbai. Shut up, this is amazing.
Verka is considered an ICON with capitals by Eurovision fans and her entry has attained mythical status, but if you're an outside observer you may say that it's a joke entry and that it bases its appeal in being memorable and outlandish without any substance behind it.
You may say that, yes. Shut up. Don't say it.
Also, both Serbia and Ukraine are part of the largest voting blocs in Eurovision: The Balkans and the Ex-Soviets.
In short, this helped to confirm Spain's view of the contest as a biased contest where politics determine the winner, and a circus based on gimmicks where no matter what Spain sent they would do badly.
Anyway, shut up.
I was planning to cover the entire decade here but it's really late and I'm feeling guilty about all the other things I should be doing, and this is a natural place to stop. My next post will probably be about Junior Eurovision and then I will bring you back to Spain and you will learn how an internet meme trolled its way to a victory, how there were impossible accusations of robbed votes, and how another internet meme almost trolled its way to a victory and was stopped by something dignified and impossibly boring.
In short, what would happen if the Trump campaign was an Eurovision country.
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2020.11.28 02:02 eezoqueen Live porn near me

First of all, I already posted my experience in a few other subreddits only to get called “crazy”, “dramatic”, and be told that my therapist is an evangelical nut job from the 1950s, so hopefully I’ve found the right place to actually receive some of the advice and understanding I’m looking for from others who have also experienced a similar situation as me. This is a very sensitive subject for me, but I’m at a loss for how to move on since therapy isn’t helping much. This is very painful and takes a lot of bravery to share publicly, so if you have nothing nice to say, kindly don’t leave a comment. Thank you.
Last year, my husband of almost 4 years (almost 3 years at the time) was caught red-handed with his porn addiction. It has affected me deeply and profoundly. It might help to give some background on me to see why I’m so traumatized by this and some background on my husband to get some perspective...
My father was a serious porn addict when my parents were married and I was a little girl. My parents seemed good together, but by the time I was 5 years old, fights started breaking out between my mom and dad and my father’s porn addiction started coming to light (I would see pornographic screensavers on his desktop computer that I had the shield my little brother from looking at, so I would tell him to look away while I turned the monitor off, porn DVDs on the TV that I would walk in on, etc.) The fights included my mom scolding him about the porn a lot. My dad started sleeping on the couch and by 9 years old, my parents got divorced. My mom got full custody and I barely saw my dad at all throughout my childhood. When I did visit him, I had to hide the porno DVDs and screensavers from my brother again. My dad barely tried to reach out to see my brother and I. I suffered from abandonment issues throughout my life. I didn’t realize it until I saw a therapist, but my self-worth issues and trauma about my husband looking at porn in secret is heavily tied to my dad and his porn problem. In my childhood brain, I essentially connected that my father left me for porn.
My husband was sexually abused by a neighbor as a young child. He blocked it out and only remembered this after he got arrested at the age of 18 for sexually molesting his sister for years. He saw a therapist that performed hypnosis on him after that, and he remembered. The therapist explained how this trauma is what caused the desire for him to do what he did. He ended up going to jail for a year, getting addicted to drugs when he got out, went to rehab a few times, and went back to college. He’s since gotten his degree and is successful working in his field, and has been sober for years. He had already been sober for years prior to me meeting him. I was made aware of his past shortly after we got together, because he wanted to be completely open with me since he really liked me. I was understandably disturbed at first, but I really liked him too and I chose to forgive him for his past mistakes. After all, he was abused as a child and served his time and he had been sober for a while. He told me how he used to be obsessed with porn as well (multiple times per day, every day). We established early on in our relationship that porn had no place in it, and that he wouldn’t use it. He assured me that it wouldn’t happen and that he didn’t feel the need for it anyway since I was his “perfect girl” and he was so attracted to me. Overall, I chose to see the many good parts of him, grew to love him, and I married him. We had our first child shortly after we got married.
So flash forward to last year in November. We had been married for almost 3 years at that point and our daughter was 2 years old. I was turning on our PS4 one night to start looking for something to watch on Netflix. I flipped to the web browser, because I think I was trying to find information on an episode of a TV show or find somewhere to watch it online, and I saw the thumbnail - “petite girls pics on Pornpics.com”. I was immediately horrified, my stomach dropped, and I felt sick. I confronted my husband about it immediately. He denied knowing what it was. He was the only other person in the house that used the PS4, and I had a “sixth sense” that he was keeping something from me for months prior to this, so I just knew. Every time I would ask him about my suspicions, he would deny it and say “I only want you”. So, he kept denying that he looked at the porn site and played dumb for a while, pretending to try to find out where it came from. All the while he was white as a sheet and looked scared, so I knew he was lying. Then I went outside for a minute to catch my breath and get some air. He followed me out there to talk. I asked him one more time, and he confessed. I was super pissed that he lied to me and extremely hurt and betrayed. I asked him if he looked at it more than that one time and if so, how long he had been doing it for. He told me he had been looking at various kinds of porn in secret for ~6-7 months, during times I would be watching the baby in the other room, or doing housework. He did it while pretending to “use the bathroom”. He lied to me for months about this and I ignored my intuition screaming at me that something was off the whole time (I found that he visited the profiles of his ex girlfriends at one point which really sent me on a spiral of suspicion over his actions, and I just would repetitively ask him if he was looking at porn or seeing someone, to which he would respond that he only wanted me and that he “didn’t do porn”). I was shocked and felt broken, unwanted, disgusting, ugly, etc. He tried to comfort me and tell me I was better than any of that, and his only excuse for looking at it was “stress”, “inadequacy” to provide for his family (we were living in my mom’s house at the time). I asked him why he didn’t come to me when he was stressed, then he spewed some bullsh*t about how he “didn’t know” and that he “had uncontrollable desires” that he had to fulfill. We had sex weekly, sometimes multiple times a week, so this also confused me. He even tried to blame me for it at first, saying that he looked at it because I never wanted to have sex, which as I stated, didn’t make sense. And I also want to note that I’m in way better shape physically than I ever was when I first met him. I started working out and eating healthy after I gave birth to our baby, lost a ton of weight, and I looked my absolute best, so this further confused me as to why he would want porn. He would always go on and on about how hot and sexy I was to him.
I initiated seeing a therapist after this all came out. She told him how porn has no place in our marriage and that he has a lot of work to do to help me trust him again, but ultimately it’s up to me to decide to trust him and believe him. She diagnosed him as a porn addict. He expressed how the porn is not nearly as satisfying as being with me sexually, so he vowed to stop. He felt really bad and he never meant to hurt me. And my therapist told him outright, because of my past childhood trauma with my dad’s porn and the betrayal that this was to me personally, that if he ever looked at porn again, it would be the end of our marriage. He seemed like he understood and has told me that there hasn’t been any porn since it all came out, both in front of the therapist and to me in private. But it’s hard to believe because he would be really good at hiding it at this point if he did look at it since he’s already been caught once. He’s also a really good liar, and has lied to me on many occasions about little things, only for me to find out later that he lied. So I have major trust issues with him.
He’s been really bad about helping me through this, continuously defending himself and giving excuses for his porn addiction when I get upset about it again and need to talk. And last night, I was looking through YouTube video history only to find “petite hot girl shakes her ass” related videos in there, from a long time ago, but still traumatizing for me to see. I felt like I relived the moment again. He found me looking like I witnessed a murder or something, my whole body shaking. Full on PTSD reaction that I wasn’t even expecting myself - I thought I got over it more, but clearly not. He failed again to show that I’m more important to him than his porn defense, played the game of “trying to find out where it came from” and playing dumb again, while I was shaking and having a panic attack the whole time, disregarding my intense emotional reaction. Both the therapist and I have told him that he needs to show me that I’m more important than his porn defense, because there is no defense for it, and focus on showing me the love I need when this comes up so I can begin to trust him again, but he fails to do it.
How do I move on from this? I’m at a loss for what to do since he clearly doesn’t want to do his part to fix this trauma in our marriage...therapy isn’t really working and we can’t afford it anymore...he just repeats the same defensive behavior rather than showing me that I’m more important than his porn addiction. I’ve told him plain and simple what I need from him, the therapist has told him, yet he selfishly chooses protecting himself every time this situation comes up or simply lays there, belittling himself and calling himself a loser and getting depressed. Last night was his big moment to show me that I was more important than defending the porn on the screen, that his first priority was making me feel like he loved and valued me, and that that was in the past. But he chose the porn instead. Again. I can’t divorce him since we have a child together and I can’t make enough money on my own to support a child on my own since I have no college degree. I’m stuck with this situation and financially rely on him completely. If we didn’t have a baby together, I would just leave him, but I can’t. I can’t get over this pain and trauma, and I can’t get away from it. I feel lost.
If I get any more comments about how I’m being “overly dramatic” or “crazy”, I will just delete this post. Only serious, kind, and supportive comments please. I don’t need any more pain in my life.
EDIT: I just want to say that I was not expecting such an outpouring of support. It brought me to tears and I finally felt like I wasn’t alone. It’s been a huge comfort to me to finally hear from people who understand what I’m going through and stand behind me. I’m moved and so, so appreciative. Thank you to everyone in this community. It has been therapeutic to share this with you all. I feel a little better knowing that there are others like me, but also sad that this is the case. Thank you for the prayers and the advice I’ve received - it has been very helpful to gain a better perspective. I’m eternally grateful for all of you. THANK YOU!
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2020.11.26 23:55 Fearless_Tangelo_163 Porn me live near

It's nearing month 5 since d-day and I still feel unsure, insecure, and have intruding thoughts and dreams. My husband had lied to me before about his past (before he met me) and about 7 months into our marriage, I discovered the lie. Despite the very clear evidence in front of me and my gut feeling, I chose to believe him. We moved on, I forgave him, and everything was great. 9 months after that, he came to me and told me he wasn't being honest and that I was right in what i found. He said he was ashamed of his past, again this is before we met, but is telling me the truth because he wants an honest relationship. I was so so hurt that after seeing how broken I was when I thought he lied he could continue to lie. I began to question everything and I brought up porn use. When we met, I told him it was a dealbreaker. When I inquired about it, he admitted he has used it occasionally since we've got married- mostly when I've been out of town or wasn't down for sex, but admitted he has used it otherwise as well. I was so hurt at this and we had a huge fight. Even at that point, I was most upset about the lying. The next day, I tried to collect myself and have a conversation. I asked him when the last time he used porn was. He said that morning! The morning AFTER he confessed he used it and witnessed me up crying all night in our bed.
He apologized profusely, made an appointment with a therapist and we had a few sessions. Based on what he told me about his occasional use, I myself wouldn't classify it as addiction but our therapist said it was because he turns to it for emotional needs or whatever. After seeing that therapist for a month and half, we stopped because I didn't find him to be helpful to me at all and often found him focusing more on my husband and telling me to see the good in him rather than help me recover from betrayal trauma (thanks to you all, I learned what this was). I became depressed and this same therapist recommended I start anti-depressants, I quit sleeping, I quit eating, I began failing courses in my masters program, I had nightmares and intrusive thoughts, I became obsessed with checking up on him, I started checking girls out too, I became this angry, sad, bitter, insecure shell of a person. After all that, I found a CSAT and have been on a waitlist to see him for about 2 months. In that time, I've began to focus on myself and my own thoughts and feelings. I've learned that I am wonderful and beautiful and funny and if my husband prefers to lie to me and lust after other women, he's the one at loss. In this process of finding myself again, I've lost attraction to my husband. I think he's immature, gross, perverted, and just not the guy I thought he was and that he told me he was. Overall, he is an incredibly kind person. He's never said mean things or done mean things, LOL except for this, and always tries to comfort me. This is becoming less frequent and he's starting to get annoyed as well. I installed Covenant Eyes on his iPhone but it doesn't take screenshots of anything and apparently there's a way around it. At this point, I'm not sure I even care what he's doing. I know I want to be happy. The thing is, he is an incredible friend and such an easy going easy to get along with person. I'm not so unhappy or being mistreated and as far as I know, he's not currently doing anything, but I also don't have the stamina to keep up with him if he is. I no longer have the desire to check up on him. I simply don't care. Basically, I like him enough as a person and friend, but not sure I like him enough as a husband, father to my children one day, and life companion. The trust is out the window and I don't think it will ever come back. Do people live like this? I've left quite a bit out because I feel so over it at this point. I simply am grossed out by him and sometimes fantasize about being with a "real" man, if that's even a thing.
To add, about every other or every third day I'm triggered when we got out and there's attractive scantily dressed women around us. I think he's looking, he says he's not. Today, I looked up at the tv and saw the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders dancing during a halftime show. I'm just tried of getting pissed off at things that other people wouldn't even notice. Will this end or are we supposed to be getting in dumb arguments for the rest of our lives?
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2020.11.26 20:37 Cbs87 Porn me live near

Hi all,
This is very long, but I hope worth the read for those that may need to hear it.
I've recently come out of a 14 months, on-again, off-again relationship with a woman that suffers with BPD. I would like to share my experience in the hopes it will spur useful, positive, enlightening conversation as well as help others in similar situations.
I'll try to highlight the most important facts and details while still giving a fair, and full picture.
Her and I met randomly and got along very well, right away. She communicated extremely well and would even complete my thoughts and sentences about practically anything, and I for her. Within 4 weeks of meeting, we were already dating.

This is when things got weird.

Almost immediately after beginning to date, she started acting strange. She would jump up in the middle of the night - 2am, and say she has to get home. When I would ask, "What? It's 2am? What could you possibly have to get done at 2am that can't wait until a few more hours?"

She would get very defensive and usually give non-answers or diversions. Most of the time it would turn to a guilt trip, "I have a home you know. I need to live there, too." Even though she went home every day.

This became a regular thing fairly quickly - the jumping out and going home randomly. It began to make me feel emotionally manipulated because I never knew what she was going to do, stay or leave, or if I would ever get a normal answer.

Well, she had told me that she was divorced and had been single for 2 years. Two weeks into dating and six weeks after meeting, I had yet to be invited to her house. When I asked her "Why" she would say, "Oh honey! You're always welcome at my home! Always!! But you know my ex husband is abusive and he shows up at the house randomly. If he sees a guy is there he will cause problems."

Naturally, I would ask why she doesn't get a restraining order and she would say it's too much of a hassle and would just cause more problems. She also had a 3 year old son with him that she refused to let him around.

She would make "factual" statements that contradict one another. I.e. "Yes we're divorced! I have the divorce papers at home!"

Then....

"But...he hasn't signed off on the property yet. Technically he still is on the loan for the house."

I would say, "I'm sorry. That doesn't add up. You can't be divorced and have a divorce decree if your property wasn't dealt with. That is a mandatory part of divorce, so how can he still be on the mortgage?"

I would never get a straight answer. She would, almost like magic, find a way to make me feel guilty for doubting her and then get emotional and start crying because she is "telling the truth but it looks like she's lying." She would say, "Everyone always thinks I'm lying! I always get left because I'm not trusted, even though I know I'm 100% trustworthy. I despise dishonesty and lying! I was treated that way my whole life - and I DON'T LIE!"

She would go from smiling and being willing to have a conversation, to crying, to angry and demanding she is trustworthy, and back to crying and hugging me, to being completely melancholy all within 5 minutes of a single conversation.

It scared the every living fuck out of me. But I did love her and felt like she was a good person, but I just couldn't put my finger on what was off. I could never corner her in a lie, I could never present proof she was lying, and her emotions were so absolutely convincing that I felt so guilty simply saying, "My gut says you're lying, and I'm leaving you."

So this went on, with random emotional ups and downs, stories that contradict themselves, and rationalizing situations that didn't seem fair or kind to me for about 2 months. One day she came over and said, "I need to tell you something. Last night I came home and my ex husband was in the house. He said he knows I'm seeing someone new and he doesn't like it. I think it's better if we don't see each other - he is going to try to take custody of my son."

I tried to understand her logic (or lack thereof) and was as patient as I possibly could be, because she would always play the card that she was abused growing up and by her ex husband and so her behavior is the result of feeling scared and timid. She would always reverse my questions and accusations to insinuating I should be more patient with her and understanding because no one ever is and she doesn't mean to be so random and tell stories that don't add up - it's just the result of abuse and she needs someone to love her, etc.
But no matter how she rationalized her stories and behavior, I told her it obviously makes no sense that an "ex husband" could walk into your house, because he is still on the mortgage and has a key, and then tell you who and who not to date because he's jealous, and then threaten to take your son when he is stalking you, walking in your house, and was physically abusive during your marriage.

BTW, she claimed to have videos of him abusing her that she was gonna use in court.

Well, she ended up backtracking and saying she was "just being emotional and worrying and doesn't want me to get hurt if he tries to come after me for something" and a couple nights later she is laying in my bed and scrolling through her phone photos. I see nude selfies of her that she never sent to me and they were quite a ways back in her photo timeline.

So I said, "What were those?" She had tried to scroll past them quickly and then scrolled back to photos she knew damn well I wasn't referring to. And I said, "No, farther up. Nude photos of you."

She goes, "Oh that's nothing! I like to take nude selfies of myself to see how my body looks. I just forget to delete them."

I said, "There was one of you sucking your own tit. You do that just to see how you look?"

She said, "Well, I actually took them because I was going to send them to you, but never got the courage."

I said, "But those were before we started having sex."

She said, "Well, I knew we were headed in that direction, so I wanted to have the pictures ready to send at any time the moment was right."

Again, the nonsensical stories, lack of logic, but immediate ability to rationalize her actions that were clearly shady.

Eventually, I broke up with her about 10 weeks into dating. The feeling that things were off was too overwhelming.

Well, over the next month she started texting me again and saying she is so sorry for how irrational she acted and she was going through a really rough time and didn't know how to explain anything and that she moved out of her house and gave it up to her ex husband and has found a new place to live. We end up going on a few dates and things go good and we start dating again.

Things got worse.

Her emotional states were up and down, within seconds. She would be on the couch enjoying TV, then suddenly jump up and grab the milk from the fridge, pour a glass, drink a few sips, leave the glass half full, the jug, and the lid to the jug in 3 different places around the kitchen, then go to the bedroom and lay on the bed. I'd go ask what's going on and she'd say, "Nothing. Just tired all of a sudden." Then she'd jump up and take a shower, then want to have the most wild, crazy, hot sex imaginable.

There was nothing this woman wouldn't do in bed, didn't matter what I asked or suggested, and she would bring up wild things herself.

Then, the next morning, she would act like I didn't exist. She wouldn't text for hours, she'd go to work, and she would say things like, "I don't think we can hang out this evening." I'd text back and ask why. She's say, "Just because, lots of stuff going on."

Again, more non-answers and sudden, irrational behavior.

Then, I'd go straight home from work instead of to her place and she'd text, "What, you're not gonna try to fight your way over to my house? You're not even gonna ask again?"

She "pretend" to playfully tease me, but you could sense a realness to her comments, too. A strong passive-aggressive undertone. If you called her on it, she would cry and play victim that she was just joking and you're being aggressive and overreactive. If I played along, she would just say, "Oh, nevermind then. You already went home. It's pretty clear you didn't want to hang out that bad and me saying I had things going on just made it easier for you to not have to hang out. I see."
She would never actually tell me what it was "she had going on." She would never give details and when I pushed for answers she would just say, "I'm literally just doing laundry and cleaning up around the house. Nothing crazy, you could have easily come over. I just wanted to give you some space in case you had things to do too. Clearly you have better things to do so I'll let you go. Have a good evening. :)"
I would stare at my phone baffled at how she would do this and flip the whole thing to be the direct opposite of what actually happened. Her gaslighting abilities were astonishing. She would flip the whole story into somehow her being kind and considerate to me. I began to suspect that either (a) she was doing this purely to manipulate me and see how hard I would push to come over or (b) she was cheating on me and banging or blowing a dude real quick and then when she finished, she'd feel guilty and want me to come over and comfort her and so she'd guilty trip me into coming over.

She would do this repeatedly, multiple times a week.

This type of behavior continued and spread into many, many areas. She would say she loves me more than anything she's ever loved, then say sometimes she can't stand me. She would say she loves my independence, but then say she hates how I don't need a woman to take care of me and all she wants to do is be there for me and cook, and clean, and care for me. Yet, she would never cook unless asked and was one of the messiest people I've ever been around in my life. Clothes and food and even a couple dead mice on her bedroom floor.

Then there were the sudden angry outbursts at her son. He would be having a tantrum (normal at his age to a degree) and she would SCREAAAMM at the top of her lungs at him out of nowhere. Then, a minute later, she would pick him up and tell him "Momma loves you so much" and tickle him and make him laugh and ask him if he wanted a Snickers.

She would buy him bags of M&Ms and let him eat them, all by himself, into the early morning. I'd wake up at 1am to piss and this kid is stuffing M&Ms in his mouth in the corner of the room. I'd take them from him and put him to bed and he would scream and holler and throw things just like his mother.

Then she would wake up and get frustrated at me. "What's wrong with him eating some candy if he wants it?? My god! If he's tired, he'll go to bed!!"

Then, the next day in the grocery store he would grab M&Ms off the shelf and she would take them from him and smack his hand and yell at him and say, "My god! He thinks he can just have whatever he wants, whenever he wants it! He thinks he's a damn adult!"

When I'd point this discrepancies in behavior out to her, she'd cry and say she's a terrible mother and I'm right, and she should be more stable and strict with him.

Then next day, same shit all over again.

She would go from the most loving and kind person in the world (she bought me tickets to go see my favorite band for the first time on a whim) to the most mean and disrespectful person ever (she would come home from work with dirt on her knees and would randomly make a comment, "God I sucked so much dick in the bathroom at work today. That's how my knees got dirty.")

Also, she told me when we met that she was a virgin before meeting her ex husband and that she'd never slept with another man besides him. She said he basically would get drunk and rape her, but she didn't know what to do because she'd never been with a man, so she just accepted it. She said she never gave him oral sex and hated having sex with him.

Then, the first time she gave me oral sex, on her way down she looked up at me and said, "God, I love sucking cock so much."

I questioned her on this later and she tried to play it off that she meant she loved sucking mine so much...even though it was her first time with me and she never did oral to anyone before.

Over the months this discrepancies pilled up and pilled up and pilled up until I caught her in a slew of lies all at once. Like an avalanche, everything came crashing down.

She had gotten a new phone and gave her old phone to her son to play with. He played with it constantly for a week. She never took it away, and if she did, she would set it on the counter.

One night her son was playing on the phone and I saw him scrolling through text messages from her ex husband. Somehow he'd gotten in there. I couldn't dare take the phone away to read them without him screaming, so I woke up in the middle of night and went to the phone. I found texts between them going back to when her and I first met, talking about who will take the trash out, where they are going for lunch, and him asking her for sex and her sending him nude selfies. The same week her and I met. I found texts to him while her and I were officially dating saying, "He is just a cool friend! I honestly just wish you were cool like him, like you were before we got married. He is so fun to be around."

There it all was. They were still married, she was cheating on him with me (which is why I could never come over) and she was using me to make him jealous. Then he found out about us, he divorced her, and that's why she "gave the house to him" and was worried about losing custody.

It all made sense.

I confronted her about it and she denied everything. She IMMEDIATELY came at me saying I violated her privacy by going through her phone, even thought she CONSTANTLY told me if I ever had doubts about her about anything, I have her phone password and can check anything I want.

The first time I take her up on this, I find the truth, and she blames me.

Well, she went into hysterics, then back to anger, then all over the place again. We broke up for good and she told me I was the only man she truly ever loved and she will get help and go to counseling and do better for herself. She said she can't stand the thought of being with another man and the thought makes her want to puke.

About 3 months after we break up I stroll back through her Facebook page for shits and giggles, and less than 1 month after we split up a guy posts to her page that they are in a relationship. Yet, her status still shows single and there isn't a single picture of her and him together on her Facebook. In fact, her Facebook is WIPED CLEAN of me completely, but there are pictures of her and her ex husband still on her page, with a new guy sharing a status of them dating, but her not changing her dating status.

Moved on to another dude, doing the same shady shit she did to me.

I could write an entire book of the behaviors she exhibited throughout the months we were together, but it was the most horrific roller coaster I'd ever been on. Complete and total manipulation and lying, with completely erratic emotional ups and downs, with loving me one second to hating me the next, screaming at her son to loving him, talking about sucking dicks at work to saying she was a virgin and never even liked sex, to saying she took selfies because she knew we would get sexual (even though she'd never been sexual with anyone else), to sending nude selfies to her husband around the same time her and I met, to saying she loves her dad so much to saying he was abusive and she hates his guts, to even buying a brand new car COMPLETELY on a whim, "Because I was driving by the lot and felt like it" to racking up credit cards to their max limit in $3,000 spending sprees at the mall, to binge eating chocolate by the pound for days straight and not drinking water or eating any real food whatsoever, to saying she loves to cook and clean to being the messiest human being I've ever been around, to saying she hates homosexuals to saying that the hottest porn she likes to watch is guys banging each other, to saying she despises lying and liars, to being one of the biggest and sometimes most convincing liars I've ever encountered.
I also forgot to mention her insanely dangerous driving. She received tickets for doing 100 on the freeway, and I witnessed her pass on two lane highways on double-solids. When I'd confront her about this, she would say she has no idea what I'm talking about. That she just zones out and drives, she had "no idea" she was being dangerous. Always with the poor me guilt trips.

Everything she said and did was a contradiction to something else she said and did and you never knew exactly who she was. I never knew who I would wake up to, never knew what would set her off, and when she was triggered into these alternate emotional states, she wouldn't just act like a 4 year old - she would literally become one.

It was as though you truly witnessed her brain switch into an entirely other personality, but with all the same awareness and memories.

When she got sad and felt like I would abandon her, she would cuddle up to me and make cooing noises like a baby, and literally sucked her thumb a few times. Then she would suddenly change into this extremely dominant woman and practically rape me (I won't say rape because I definitely gave in) but she would push me down and force me to take oral sex the way she wanted to give it - almost without regard to whether it felt good to me or not. It was as though she was pleasing herself, not me.

Then she would make comments like, "God, usually this makes a guy cum in like 15 seconds! You're lasting 10 minutes!" Which would totally kill the mood and I would say, "How do you know that makes a guy cum that fast if you never been with anyone but your ex husband and me, and you never gave him oral?"

She would immediately come back with, "Oh my god honey! I watch porn you know and have female friends. We talk and they tell me what makes men cum fast and what to do." Yet her comments were clearly not coming from that perspective or context. She was making factual statements from the perspective that she knew from experience.

If what she said was true, she would have said, "Wow, I've heard this makes guys cum fast but it obviously isn't working." That's the logical way to say it if it were true. But she was saying it from a perspective of disappointment, as though it's worked on so many other guys but it isn't for me for some reason and she's irritated that it isn't working.

Anyhow, when I saw she was in a new relationship after 14 months of us on again and off again and all the drama and lies and emotions and torment and unpredictability and her saying I was the only true love of her life to witnessing her write on his page, "I love you so much!" one month after we broke up...I can see now, 100% she is sick. Not mean, not evil. She is sick and needs help.

I started searching the behaviors I experienced with her and she matches all 8 symptoms and behaviors exactly, 100% to every word of their description. And the fact she moved on to a new guy she is already saying she loves, has wiped me clean off her Facebook but still has pictures with her ex husband up, proves to me I was never anything more than a tool to make her ex husband jealous with and she was able to drop me out of her life altogether without a problem. This new guy will be no different, and neither will any guy she gets with unless she gets treatment.

I found texts of her ex husband telling her nearly word for word what she would tell me. "I thought you loved only me? How can you come home to me and jump in my lap and kiss me and tell me you love me, but go out with him the next day?"

She was telling him all the same things she told me about how much she loves us, and now she's doing it to the new guy.

What I really want to say to everyone out there who suffers from BPD is to please, PLEASE get help. There are people out there who truly love you. We want the best for you, and we can see who you really are when you come out of your prison. Dating her was like dating someone in prison that you never knew when you'd get to see. She'd come out for a while, and you KNEW it was truly her - her real, beautiful, amazing, smart, intelligent, sexy self. Then suddenly the guards would take her away and replace her with the emotionally distraught, unstable, tortured side.

She even had nicknames for these "other sides." She would cry and say, "I know I'm not healthy. I know I'm toxic. I know! I know I'm not right, I can see it. I can see other people aren't like me. And I just want to be happy and healthy! But the psycho me comes out and she takes over everything. I can feel her bubble up and I know I will lose the battle every time."

She would even tell me in the middle of her being crazy, "This is psycho me. Don't listen. She'll be gone in a few minutes. Please be patient."

It was literally like watching her be prisoner to herself. It was the most horrific, horrible, emotionally difficult experience of my entire life.

And to those of you dating or related to someone with BPD or its symptoms. Let me be the first to tell you, there is nothing you can do. Your love and care and effort DOES NOT MATTER. Only THEY can help themselves.

And the major contradiction to their problem is that because they have a lack of self identity and ability to love someone healthily and stably, I do not believe you can stay with them while they heal. The nature of their disorder makes them co-dependent on you for survival and self-validification. If at any time they feel you will abandon them in their healing, the healing is therefore not true healing. The nature of their disorder means they must heal on their own and without support from anyone that is emotionally invested in them because this will become a crutch for them. You will never truly know if they are over their problem or have truly learned to cope, or if they have merely just learned to put on a better show to keep you around and avoid feeling abandoned.

I wish the best for anyone involved with this disorder and hope you all find healing and healthy, proper support.

Anyone who would like to message me personally, please feel free.
P.S. She used to describe her instable periods as an "inky, thick blackness she could reach out and touch." She said it was like sitting in thick blackness, alone in a massive empty room, with a spotlight on her. And when I came along, it was like my hand reached through the darkness and made it go away in a sudden "WOOSSH!" when she grabbed my hand. But then when she'd go in these cycles, the same darkness and emptiness would rush to her again.
I saw a post where others described this same feeling and I wanted to share that.
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2020.11.26 10:58 4444gg Live porn near me

Im on my phone so I dont really know if this will format correctly so sorry about that and any spelling errors. Please lmk if u have any ideas on how to go about fixing this.
Around mid september I started noticing something different. One day i went to jack off and what came out was substantially less white and thick and more so clear and runny. I figured maybe my body just didnt have anything left in the tank and thats why that happened. I had noticed nothing different besides that up until that point, my erection was still rock solid and my orgasm felt amazing. Over the next couple weeks I saw that I wasn’t producing the same amount of ejaculate that I usually produced. I figured my body just fell behind in production or something but then in early october i started noticing other things. I was still getting morning woods up until then but I went to go jack off and noticed my dick wasnt as hard as it used to be before (maybe 70% max). It almost felt squishy. I let it go and continued about my life thinking it would just go away soon. The next day i noticed i didnt wake up with a hard on. I couldnt remember the last time that had happened. With all this happening within the span of a few weeks i kind of forced myself to jack off that day to test and see what was happening with my dick. I was able to get “hard” and finish but the same things happened again... weak erection, little ejeculate and the orgasm now felt no where near as intense as the ones I got before september (maybe 40% max of how they used to feel). After that day I decided to take a week off from masturbating and porn to see if that would help. That didnt work either. I’ve done that twice now to see if it may help but to no avail. Now here we are at the end of november and I still feel the same symptoms. I still get morning wood (not everyday but most) but theyre only like 50% of as hard as they used to be. My erections still feel “soft”. My ejaculate amount is no more than 1/3 of what it used to be and it seems to be watery/more clear and less thick and white. My “orgasm” feels non existent compared to how i felt them before snd worst of all I feel i have no sex drive. I dont feel i get horny anymore, more so i kind of force myself to get horny trying to prove to myself that nothings wrong with me. I rarely get hard randomly anymore. My penis almost feels “desensitized” if im being honest. My erections also seem to go down really fast now. Its harder to stay hard and I feel like i have to have constant stimulation to stay as hard as physically possible when before all this started i felt thay i could be as hard as i wanted for as long as i wanted. I live with my grandma and my great aunt so ive been avoiding the doctor for awhile now cuz of covid but i feel like i might just have to go in now before this gets worse.
Heres just some info about me so maybe you could help me out. Im 5’10 160lbs in the best shape of my life (lost 80 lbs over the last 1 1/2 yrs). My diet is great which is kind of how i lost the weight including excercise 6/7 days of the week. Although i wont lie the last couple months have been stressful because of whats happening to my dick so ive been on and off excercise and my diet which i know doesnt help.
Im honestly scared somethings wrong with me. I just want to have a normal life and i feel like if i cant even do that if i cant have a good sex life with my future partner(although i feel like i can still penetrate with my current erection %). I havent had sex since february so i cant even test if its possible for me to still do it. If anyone can help me out i’d appreciate it. Im sorry for the long essay im just kinda panicking and stressing for the first time in my life.
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2020.11.26 08:40 baisuposter Muv Luv Alternative is a custody battle between an excellent military nerd writer and a harem-addicted monkey with short-term memory loss.

Well, halfway through last week I finally finished Muv-Luv Alternative after breezing through Extra and Unlimited the week prior - my first ever post in the weekly "what are you reading" thread and hopefully not the last. This post was originally going to be a comment in today's edition - and when I say that I mean I literally typed it all out and hit "comment" but was rejected by the character limit. When I pasted it into a word counter and saw it almost hit 3,000 words I laughed until there were tears in my eyes. How far have I fallen to reach the level of 17k character count saltposts farted out into the internet void for my own self-indulgence? Is this what extended periods of not having a computer available to stitch together a video essay does to a man? Either way, I figured this colossal amount of wasted effort which gradually gets more unhinged as it progresses would be better posted somewhere than nowhere at all - it seems I'm not alone in hopping on the Muv-Luv train lately, so it might be a decent discussion point if nothing else. Spoilers specifically for Alternative are still tagged (no point in removing them) but it's hard to talk about the story without spoiling the general twist in the series' direction post-Extra so I just tagged the whole post as a broad spoiler.
The Good Conceptually, I've always been fond of the concepts of the Muv-Luv trilogy in how they relate to one another. Extra portrays a spoiled and selfish harem lifestyle typical of the medium, which is immediately confronted in Unlimited where he has to learn to act more selflessly, culminating in his letter to Sumika - a farewell to his old world and a committal to living for the sake of others in this new one. It would be a very simple thing to rest on this sense of heroism for the final game and consider Takeru's character "done" with his arc, but Alternative continues to build on this broad theme of selfishness vs selflessness. The political focus of Alternative is constantly making mention of the hidden interests and conflicting goals behind every major faction and government, which Takeru initially meets with utter disgust and contempt after taking on a (for lack of a better term) globalist mindset which wants everyone to unite and work as a single entity against the BETA. Eventually this mindset is challenged from all angles - his ability to set aside his own grudges is questioned, the Japanese nationalism of Meiya and Sagiri reaches him, Isumi's thoughts on what motivates soldiers and her own selfish thoughts in her dying moments broadens his perspective, and finally he starts to fight for Sumika instead of for his broad and vague sense of duty towards humanity. It's very clear to see the patriotism of the writers of Muv Luv (pretty much a given considering how much they nerd out about military history), and they do make a very sympathetic view of nationalism conveyed pretty well (bonus points for it being a much more unique and consistent message than most VNs will offer).
Possibly the best thing about Unlimited and Alternative is the BETA themselves. How many different interpretations of hostile invading alien forces have we seen throughout fiction who just serve as "slightly weird but very evil humans that look freaky"? Instead of that we have an extremely compelling marauding force who operate within a system of logic, but one which is nigh-impossible to predict due to their indecipherable priorities. When analysing what they've done in hindsight, humanity can find trends and patterns and guess at WHY they do these things, but never come to any clear conclusions - some quirks mentioned go completely unanswered through the plot (like their aversion to certain mountainous regions) because the writers understand that they don't need to be answered, yet really help the believability of them as a species. Their strength is always clear - anti-air capabilities combined with sheer numbers - and so is their reason for conflict- they do not consider it wrong to kill humans because they don't see them as sentient, living beings. I accepted all of the military history and strategy outline in Muv-Luv because it was all consistent and extremely believable, particularly the Alternative programs: it was extremely impressive to see that humanity's main goals against the BETA across I to IV weren't that of extermination but of establishing a method of communication. When they mentioned offhand the varied involvements of several real-world military-industrial companies (albeit modified for Japanese copyright stuff - "Lockweed" instead of "Lockheed-Martin", for example) in creating the different TSFs and anti-BETA technology and how they strategically allied themselves with the Alternative projects, bringing up very well thought out minutia of a complex alternate universe casually as small talk for less than a minute of dialogue, it was all too clear how impressively grounded and comprehensive the world of Alternative is on every level. Seriously one-of-a-kind stuff.
In practice, the story really hits its stride in the middle. Chapter 6, the coup d'etat with Sagiri and the Japanese nationalists, was probably the peak of the game for me, where the writers really got to work on the thematic stuff they did best while giving Meiya time to shine (it's seriously insane how much better she is in Unlimited and Alternative over Extra). I have to imagine Chapter 7 is the favourite of most people, from the chomp scene to the return the the world of Extra, and it certainly is a high point. I knew Marimo was going to die (spoiled myself via Google autocomplete like a dunce) and I'd heard that "chomp" was a Muv-Luv meme from forum lurking, but I could still really appreciate the scene when I got to it. So sudden and uncomfortably violent - exactly what it needed to be. Takeru sticking out in his old world was great, the second sudden death of Marimo was a gut punch, the secondary heroines losing their memories of Takeru was alright but Sumika forgetting him was genuinely upsetting. When Takeru contemplated suicide near the end of the chapter I totally understood why, which is a really hard thing for stories to do without being melodramatic or on the far end of bleak tragedy. The chapter is let down a bit by the quantum infodumping - unlike the military stuff which was clearly the writers' fortes, this felt more like it was lagging behind other VNs' plot convenient pseudoscience and came across like they weren't even convinced themselves how their loose understanding of certain scientific concepts would make the plot-important parallel universe travel work. The earlier sections of the game were generally on the good side, mostly because Takeru was muzzled out of necessity, but Chapters 6 and 7 were where this whole experience came together and really felt like it earned its exceptionally high praise.
The Bad Let's get this out of the way first-off: the soundtrack is insanely lacking. I can't believe how far they stretch out this paltry OST, full of tracks already being reused from Extra/Unlimited (a duology that could ON ITS OWN have used a serious shot in the arm for music) which are too simplistic and repetitive to last a game half its length. The length, broadly, is another huge problem with the game. There is absolutely no reason this plot needs the mammoth runtime it has, clogged up with self-indulgent infodumping and extensive reuse of the same conversational progressions. I'd complained about how much they got mileage out of one repurposed conversation in Chizuru's Extra route and that problem is far, FAR worse in this game. It feels like every conversation Takeru has with his crewmates after the halfway point is borderline identical: Takeru thinks about doing something or expresses an opinion which his crewmates have a disagreement with, the crewmate tells him off, Takeru has some internal monologue about why they told him off, he then actually monologues at them about how he totally understands their perspective now (interjected with a whole lot of 「...」 from his conversational partner) and then they just jerk each other off for 15 minutes about how sorry they are and how they're weak compared to each other and oh stop it YOU'RE actually the strong one here I don't know anything and no Takeru it's okay I understand where you're coming from you're so cool and you passed all your tests and we appreciate you so much etc etc. This happens so often and so unendingly that it felt like I was the war-battered cadet getting hypnotherapy to turn me into a submissive heel.
So, yeah, Takeru is a totally infuriating protagonist. A lot of the point of Muv-Luv is supposed to be about his growth as a person: from a harem protagonist given everything without contest in Extra, to a selfless harem protagonist who has to work hard to reach the absolute baseline acceptability, to a harem protagonist who learns restraint and balances his selflessness with his own desires. A lot of other stories have done far worse with this kind of protagonist - Subaru from Re;Zero comes to mind as an incompetent manchild who is utterly painful to watch learn the utter basics of human decency and logic but I know bringing up these two series in tandem is only inviting chaos thanks to certain community incidents - and Takeru himself comes out the other side only being an utterly unremarkable sack of spuds with some occasional highs and lows. The problem is that he's a total black hole for every character around him (somewhat funny given his role as the causality conductor). Takeru never shakes the tropey garbage of being a harem protagonist whom every woman must thirst after at all times, which is played up and lampshaded in the first two games and yet for some godforsaken reason lingers in this one. I was ready to rest easy after the game made it explicitly clear that Sumika was the primary love interest this time, and it made total sense that as Takeru became more estranged from his main crew while dabbling in these deeper political realms that his squadmates wouldn't have as much opportunity to fall head-over-heels in love with him. How foolish I felt when all of the secondary heroines were reduced to one major character conflict - which were ALMOST ENTIRELY SOME FORM OF DADDY ISSUES (with the exception of Ayamine, who instead has recycled former fiance issues from Extra, and Meiya's Shogunate bloodline) that would barely be resolved in the story anyway - and the exact same Takeru thirst which has always been present aside from maybe the first two hours of Unlimited. When everyone sacrifices themselves for him in the final battle and makes the same joking remark about having similar taste, what am I meant to say except "yep, checks out"? When your chosen secondary heroine's will ends with a confession of love, how in God's name is that supposed to be even close to a cathartic line or a fulfilling twist when it's excruciatingly obvious for the ENTIRE DURATION OF THE SERIES that that's never been in doubt? At least when we finally get new squad members they aren't totally smitten with Takeru, but that's ignoring the constant massaging of his ego as a result of his piloting skills and the fact that they're very transparently fodder for dramatic death scenes (though Isumi stood out as the one halfway decent character from the new batch).
Then there's the ending and everything surrounding it... good lord. When I'd heard people talk about how brutal the world of Alternative was, I was expecting the obvious - alien tentacle rape. When Marimo died and things got heavy around that section of the story I was, like before, relieved that they weren't going to fall back on shameless porn tropes to shoehorn in some cheap despair. Not only was it such a fucking letdown to see that be basically the extent of Sumika's backstory, but it completely goes against everything I liked about the BETA: what asinine reasoning do they have in that gigantic codex for why the BETA kept a basement section in one (and only one, from memory) of their hives full of drugged up horny NTR'd brains that do absolutely nothing for their war efforts and make zero sense considering their views of humanity and the fact that they've slaughtered defenseless humans en masses before during and after taking these prisoners??? If the answer is genuinely to play the crackhead long game and predict humanity's capture of Yokohama, I don't want to hear it. Whatever, fuck it, we need some artificial drama between Thirst Queen Sumika and Takeru and we have no idea how else to drive a wedge into their relationship so we'll just chuck that old chestnut in and see how it shakes out.
So then we have more combat sequences - worth mentioning that these all look ridiculous in motion and are tedious to "read" through even if there weren't three large-scale war efforts in this style in close succession of each other in the game's final act - culminating in the raid of the Original Hive. Of course every heroine sacrifices themselves, because what else would they be good for, they've served their plot purpose and we haven't reminded the player that Takeru is the hottest shit in a while so what other option do they really have? The Susano'o finally makes it to the central reactor of the entire BETA fleet - and they start talking with it, making Takeru and Kasumi the first humans to successfully enter open communication with the alien forces which have rampaged through their planet. Maybe you'd forgotten by this point, but the Alternative programs had all been working towards this as an end goal, with IV pooling all of their resources into the stated goal of creating an interspecies emissary to negotiate and change their minds on how they view humanity! Well, the writers certainly did, because Takeru just babbles like the same moron he's always been, screams when he sees Tama's corpse and gets Meiya killed while he ums and ahs and thinks about how nasty the BETA are and how awful it is that they see him as a lesser form of life. The whole game had been showing the virtue in measured selfishness - how Japan had been brokering their own existence with the broader world against the pragmatic solution of G-Bombs and fighting to preserve their national values over sacrificing those ideals for global convenience - while Takeru himself after returning from the brink of suicidal apathy had been learning to appreciate the camaraderie of his crewmates, the sacrifices of his squad (including one happening RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS EYES AT THAT VERY MOMENT, complete with an obligatory confession) and his love for his childhood friend who he wanted to devote his life to. There he is posed with the one question humanity needs the BETA to get an answer for: what gives human life significant value? The answer, of course, is for Sumika to anime powerlevel it up and vaporise their communicative link before immediately dying because it would make for a great scene afterwards (cue mediocre infodump scene courtesy of Kasumi full of information we can already pretty much infer). "You've just bought humanity another 30 years on this planet," Yuuko tells him when he gets back, and then hands him her gun to re-do another pointless non-conflict from 20 hours ago. If I were her in that moment and got to see him completely ruin humanity's greatest shot at brokering a truce with an existential threat in favour of maybe 30 years of continued conflict, I probably would have emptied the clip into him - she's certainly sacrificed more for less.
So after I-don't-know-how-many hours of bearing with Takeru's learning experience, even after he utterly fucked up in the one moment where he needed to redeem himself, he vows over his love's corpse that he won't forget how important she is to him. He's been vowing constantly to not forget the sacrifices of all of the people who kept him, his friends and his planet alive. So of course our final ending sequence just shoots him back to the Extra dimension with no memory and no lessons learned but an even bigger harem for him to indulge in. This would be the kind of ending you write when you have a week left to finish your story and can't figure out the solution to your main themes if the better ending wasn't EXTRAORDINARILY OBVIOUS to anybody who doesn't want to desperately kowtow to harem obsessives who can't stand the thought of anybody other than their waifu winning the affection of Takeru. Constantly throughout Alternative I had been wondering if the writers were just extremely good at military worldbuilding and poor at character drama, but this was the final nail in the coffin where I genuinely refuse to believe that the same people were responsible for both halves of the story.
The last act of Muv-Luv is such a colossal fuckup that I don't even want to play visual novels for the near future unless I can be convinced that the ending won't make me feel like I've pissed away my time - not a problem unique to Muv-Luv, but definitely a breaking point when combined with it being the highest rated visual novel of all time. It's really tragic to see some seriously great foundational work utterly ruined when put into practice, and it's really tainted my view of the whole experience to think about how much time I'd invested into the whole series where it really, REALLY didn't need to be as long as it was and didn't make use of that extra time well in the slightest.

So after that gigantic saltpost... I don't really know what to go to next. I've had Forest on the brain lately for no real reason other than that I love it, so I might consider replaying that or getting my hands on another Liar-soft game to chase that high. Every combat sequence in Muv-Luv also kept making me think about starting Baldr Sky Dive2 after fondly looking back at the peaks of Dive1 (pretty much just Nanoha's route), but there's no way in hell I'm going to go from complaining about this trilogy being too long to sitting through the million flashbacks and similarly generic characters of that. I might just stick to other video games for a while in lieu of good suggestions of good VNs that don't fall off hard near the end. Any recommendations? General thoughts? Did reading this wall of text do anything for your life whatsoever? What did you have for breakfast this morning? I can only promise to make better content after excising this tumorous blob of a post from my skull.
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2020.11.26 01:16 PrimaryVoice Live porn near me

I've been struggling with overwhelming changes in how I feel my sexuality this year. I've always been attracted to women, but nothing has ever progressed with women in my life and I haven't felt an urgent need to experience what I haven't yet experienced. I'm now 31, and this year something changed. I've felt an unsettling attraction to women so strong that it feels like it's screaming. I've struggle sitting with those feelings, and also tending to the anxiety that comes with imagining playing out those sexual urges. Because, I don't know what to do, but I know I really want to do something, and I don't like being late to the game. Nonetheless I've been actively trying to meet a female partner for about 6 months now. I'm taking it easy and seeing what clicks. I'm finding the process to be a good one.
I have this friend who is younger than me (26). She's heard me talk for the last six months about my feelings, struggles, and about the steps I've taken to meet a woman. She decided about a month ago that it might be fun to try being with a women. "Fun" and "try" were her words. When she told me this, I was like: yeah sure maybe you'll find that you like it — go for it! A few weeks later she told me about a conversation she had with her gay brother about lesbians in general. She told me, "lesbians wear plaid shirts." She said she always loved wearing plaid shirts, and at some point she excitedly told me "there were always signs!" — referring to her own sexuality. I was kind of taken aback, because I felt like that was a narrow assessment of a sexuality that also disconfirms people's real experiences (I personally hate plaid). I also feel you can't claim sexuality (for yourself or others) based on articles of clothing.
I fell silent to many of her comments and a few others like them. I didn't know what to say. I feel like I'm going through a sexual awakening where I keep fantasizing daily about all the things I want to do to and with women. But also, I know there's no one way to approach and experience sexuality, so I bite my tongue and refrain from speaking to her comments even when they feel off. Because, she could like women? I don't know... but I notice I've been starting to feel terrible around her.
A few weeks back she looked for women to meet on an app. She found one quickly, then spent nearly every consecutive day with that woman. It was someone I matched with three months ago (I don't mind that fact, just a interesting thing. No messaging happened between me and this person. Whether no one initiated communication or the app was buggy and the match didn't register, I don't know.) I'd normally feel happy that my friend feels happy, but there's more to this that's making me feel terrible. She told my partner (now open relationship with man) about conversations she's been having with her clients (she's a hairdresser). Conversations about "what it's like to date women" as though she can authoritatively speak to the experience (they'd been going on dates for three days at this point). She's started speaking in terms of "we" about this other woman often. Any chance she gets to mention how she's spending time with the woman, she does so pointedly. She doesn't do that about any of her other friends.
She also told me she told some of her family (siblings, not parents) that she thinks she might like women. So kinda like a coming out talk.
The comment that affected me the most came a few days ago. We were talking and she brought up conversations she had with her coworker about a woman I've liked for some time that's a friendly acquaintance of mine. The woman is a lesbian. I'm fairly confident our attraction is mutual, but covid slowed down the limited time we spent around each other. So, the conversation my friend said she had with her coworker was about the woman I like "running all the pussy in town." She then told me that her coworker told her if she doesn't have any luck with woman she's seeing now, she should try to hook up with the person I like.
Her words to me, "I don't know. Maybe I should." She shrugged and gave a half-hearted smile at this.
I feel stuck. This all feels wrong. Deciding you're bi/gay in a matter of weeks. Speaking to the experience of what for some is a truly lived experience after three days. Making plaid shirts an affirming "sign" of sexuality. Talking about a known lesbian like she's easy game and overlooking that she's a person with her own wants and desires that factor into her decisions. Even I would never feel like I would want to police access to anyone, why would anyone else look at her like she doesn't have agency?
Also, I can't articulate the level of invalidation I feel. I feel offended. I feel like my experience is trivialized. I feel like I've been placed against my wishes into some kind of sexuality competition, but I also feel trapped in speaking out about it because sexuality is not something you push into a mold of appropriate route of exploration or discover — so my comments would fall to criticism.
I tried to connect with my friend in conversation and see where she was coming from. I tried to discover her feelings. I asked her if she ever felt like she wanted to be sexual with a woman. She said no, but that when her 3-day girlfriend kissed her that she felt "giddy." I asked her if she ever fantasized, watched porn, or felt any sexual urges when around women. She just mentioned that she felt giddy when kissed. I asked her if she considered that she might want to do those things, including possibly viewing lesbian porn. She said "maybe" like she hadn't even thought about it.
So in sum, I feel terrible, but I don't have the words. I like this friend, but I don't like how I feel around her at the moment. I don't know how to have the inneouter conversations to resolve that. But I do want to resolve that. Does anyone have any perspective or guidance on my experience with this? I feel so stuck and lost.
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2020.11.25 22:48 throwaway748483993 Live porn near me

I’m worried that I (LLF) am making my boyfriend miserable.
To be frank, I’ve never felt any desire for sex that I can state. I don’t masturbate, I don’t care for porn and I’ve never had sex. It just really doesn’t interest me in the slightly, and seems more of an arduous task than something desirable. I do believe I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum. In many ways, the idea of sex kind of grosses me out. I can’t explain why.
My boyfriend is quite the opposite, which again, has never bothered me. Before he and I got together, he was decently sexually active, at least in some capacities. He makes sexual comments a lot now, which don’t phase me, but I cannot being myself to react to.
I’d say our relationship is good. We get on well, we rarely argue, we do things with each other all the time. Despite not living together at current, we spend near enough everyday together. However, I stumbled across this subreddit with the many points made of how the lack of sexual intimacy affects them as a person with a high sex drive.
I’ve never really considered this. As much as he brings it up; he doesn’t make much of a big deal about sex. At least, not to my face. Whilst it took a while, he’s come to understood the fact I don’t feel any type of sexual inclination at all, and whilst I don’t think he can fully get it, I do think he at least partially understands.
But now, I worry. I don’t want to deny him outright, especially when a healthy sex life is something he’s so passionate about, but I genuinely don’t know if I could bring myself to do so. I don’t want to leave him, because obviously I love him a lot, but I don’t want him to feel as though this is it, he’s lost out, and feel the way I see so many people on here feel. At this point, ought I just give in and try to get over the fact that I’ve not felt any type of sexual desire? Obviously, I’d rather not considering I don’t care for it, but I also want him to be happy. It’s quite the predicament.
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