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2020.09.26 00:58 Thedesiman Sissy dominated

This story is copied from internet many years ago. Although it's a work of fiction but it's a good one. So I am sharing this will all of you.
I am a sissy faggot I live in st Louis mo im in the closet no one knows i dress in femine clothes I was married when I was 20 and straight after a year I caught her cheating on me , we only had sexy 3 times I couldn't get hard with her , I was allways thinking of men, masters, tops, at home I stole her panties bras high heels lip stick, and would dress around the house, after the divorse I got the house and I started to wear panties to work everyday and shave my legs smooth , somedays i wear stockings under my work clothes and butt plugs ,my toe nails are bright pink allways ,, i hope no one catches me then on weekends I would dress up all weekend long , I then shaved my armpits and cock and balls ,, I was now smooth from the eyeballs down ,,
im very scared at being blackmailed and exposed and ruined but i have many fantasys like this one.
i wish i was caught and exposed as a sissy faggot cumdump by a dom black or white master or mistress online but i get embarrassed about thinking about being forced to be with a gay master . I meet him online in a sissy chat room we chat for a week or so and one night he says he has a new softwere program that is faster in chat and he asked me to install it . he uses the softwear program teamviewer to get into my computer and findout all my secrets , once i installed it he got on line with me and he made me watch as he added him self as the adminstraighter and he told me the computer was going to go to black screen for about 20 mins and for me to take a shower and shave really close and get dressed femine , in the mean time he added programs like keylogger , spy softwear, parental control softwear, mint. com , and webcam softwear, all to find out my info and blackmail and ruin me
he found out my passwords and email contacts and where i worked the first night , the next day he found out my home address and credit card numbers my home phone number and cell phone number , he slowly started to expose me and ruin me . hes goin to make me into his white sissy slave , i cant do anything he controls me now , he embarrasses me and humilates me my online master then told me that he was a dominate gay master and he was a cop in city that he lived in and that he can do anything he wants to me , because whos going to believe a sissy over a cop ,, he says he owns me now and that fun going to begin,, my black master found out i had being lieing about being single and that i had a girlfriend of two years and he made me get dressed like a slutty school girl and hold up my drivers licence to my face and say my real name and then say my sissy name and then say im a lieing sissy faggot and that I going to break up with my girlfriend so can serve my online black master forever and then I had to call her and break up with her over the phone on speaker phone so he would be able to hear everything she said while he watched me on webcam . I had no idea I was being recorded doing this , after that he made me dress femine everyday after work , made me wear girls shorts and tops in public, then made me buy a tiny thong bikini online that he picked out and then go to a tanning bed everyday in it and show him the thong tan lines he made me buy a months worth of tans, he watched me get dressed in girls work out short shorts and girls tops that say diva or princess on them , with bright bras underneath and pink lipstick and no wig , then go run errands like to the post office or bank exposing myself as a sissy making sure to take pics outside of them to prove i was exposing myself. making me call up on 3 way calling so he could listen as i called nail salons and made appointments using my sissy name to get my nails done making sure i prepay using my male name so i cant call and cancel. making me call to get my eyebrows waxed and shaped in a femine arch at a different salon everytime...then after i was off the phone he would call them back and tell them what he wanted them to do to me ,,, i didnt know he called them back ,, he would send me to the mall to get my ears pierced . then sent me to a tattoo parlor wearing a fem boy look with pink lipstick on and get my tongue pierced and buy a few tongue rings and barbells, and a large pink cock shaped one, a few weeks later I had to go there again and get my nipples pierced and gold rings installed, every time I went the girl at the desk laughed at me and told me most real men would never get there nipples pierced or wear lipstick , then a couple weeks after that I had to go back again and get my belly button pierced and buy a ring and a charm that says SISSY from the same girl so embarrassed , then my black master made me buy a cb6000s chastity device online one he picked out for me and watched me buy form his computer and he sent me his lock in the mail with no key , he made me get on web cam and open the ups box and beg to lock my clit up with his lock. he showed me the key in his hand, and now he owns my clit no more hardons no more cumming with permission ever . he started making me take a chemical castration pills that he sent me UPS he made me open it up on webcam and beg over and over again to take the pills so my clit would shrink and not get hard again. if i didnt he was going to make me get castrated by a doctor he knows . my black master my owner then sent me out again to the tattoo parlor and he sent a tattoo design too , he told me to prove im a black owned white sissy boy and get a Ace of Spades tattoo to be tattooed on my left ass cheek , and to get 2 small black panther paw prints on my chest ,buy then everyone in the tattoo shop knew I was a sissy fag and they asked me if I really wanted the tattoos , I told them yes I want everyone to know I love black men, my black master set up a paypal account with my creditcard and made me start buying stuff for him on his wish lists , i watched on my computer as he drained my bank accounts and he made me take out more credit cards in my name and have them sent to him. from different card companys , each day for a week he made me go online and apply for a different card , he then made me send him my tax forms from the last five years so he knew where all my money was , and made me change my direct deposit paycheck from my full time job to his bank account, and at my work he made me cash in my 401 k early all 80,000 dollars sent straight to his bank totally ruining me he made me get a second job on the weekend days at target so that i could earn more money for him and have every penny of my new job go right into his account by direct deposit , that way i never see a dime of my pay check, he made me watch on my computer as he made ads on Gay dating web sites and upload my pics and fill in all the info about me , my location , so I can hook up with gay guys in my town, I couldn't believe he was doing this , and meet them asap , for quick blowjobs ,he told me he knew I wasn't gay but he didn't care he was going to turn me totally gay and I will never get pussy ever again, I started to cry on web cam, he was laughing at me , he would make me watch as he logs in on these gay web sites and chat with guys in my town and tell the I was a sissy and I need to swallow a load right now , then he would send them my cell phone number and make me answer every call on speaker phone so he could hear me set up a date and time for me to suck them off. thats when he started making me pay a fag tax every week of 5 dollars for every cock i sucked and 10 for every time i got fucked, every week he would tell me how many strangers i had to suck off at xrated book stores or from craigslist ads he placed , there were lots of penaltes if i didnt suck off the right amount of guys , high interest rates, every week the amount of cocks i sucked off would increase,so i had to pay more and more .. my black master then started making more craigs list ads, back page ads, and adam for adam ads,for me ,making me meet strangers for blowjobs, then he found a few more adult book stores near me and made me go to the glory holes booths and suck off strangers and send him pics immediately almost every night sometimes right from one store to the next, then he finnally made me get fucked bareback only by multyple strangers no condoms that way my hole was full and my panties were full of cum , then he found a few gaybars by me and truck stops to go suck off real truckers , he made me buy a cell phone with GPS tracking on it so he could track everywhere i went .. all over town ,, so he knew if i was in the book store sucking off strangers for hours or at the tanning salon or at the truck stop or rest areas looking to be used as a cumdump sence he was a cop he found out were the real hookers in st louis would walk the streets and get picked up and arrested , he would make me get dressed up like a street hooker on web cam and make me take the bus down town to the block were the real hookers would pick up tricks and I would have to take pics outside a pawn shop and wear my Bluetooth ear piece and walk the streets while he talked to me telling me what to say to strangers when they pull over ,, he would make me charge 20 for a handjob and 30 for a blowjob, he would listen as I got in car after car sucking off strangers , he would make me stay out there for hours until I earned 200 dollars ,I was so scared I would get arrested and put in jail. he tracked me on GPS all night long so I couldn't get away. he next day made me go to best buy and get 8 survailince cameras and install them in every room in my house and install the softwear on my computer so that he can watch me on his computer at all times ,, even in the bathroom , about that time he made me call a doctors office on 3 way calling and make appointment to see a doctor he knew , I had to tell the nurse on the phone that I was a male looking for female hormones to start growing breasts and that I would like the earliest appointment I can get ,, I had to give her my male name and address and phone number so embarrassing, my master had already told the doctor I wanted the strongest expermintal female hormones they have and I wanted huge tits and big implants and my nipples to stick straight out 24/7 , I didn't know any of that when I went to see the doctor my master made me dress like a male fem faggot boy with a little lip stick and a pink bra under a womens sheer blouse and NO WIG , so everyone was looking at me , I had answer a few questions from the nurse and the doctor came in to see me he was a big black doctor and he pinched my nipples and told me I will make fine looking girl and me pulled out a niddle and injected something right into both of my breasts , and then he made me sign a lot of papers with out me reading them , and then he gave me a prescription for a 3 month supply and for me to take them 2 pills 3 times a day , and make another appointment for 3 months . my master made me start taking them right away and he made me start taking them on webcam and making me take more then the doctor ordered , and after 2 weeks my nipples were getting hard all the time and my breasts were sore and getting swollen he keep making me tell him how big I wanted my tits to be 36c and he would tell me that he wants them at least 38 dd or bigger and for them to look totally fake after I get my implants ?? after I earn enough money sucking off strangers walking the streets for implants he told me.. all this took about 8 months or so then my black daddy made me take out a second morgage on my house, each time i went to the bank i was dressed more and more girly ,my black master would make me dress on web cam the way he wanted me to dress a little femine then he would make me use skype on my way to the bank so that he can watch me then at the bank he made me were a blue tooth ear piece so he can tell me what to say to the female bank employee .so embarrassing, he contolled all my money now he made me shut off cable tv i was never home any more i was out sucking off strangers he made me walk into my kitchen and he made me throw out all my food , suger, flour , cookies, all canned goods , made me clean out my frig , nothing at all was in there , all my cabents were totally empty of every thing , no food in the house at all, he wanted me on a strick diet so I can lose 30 lbs, he sent me to the store to buy ramon nuddles only a months worth, thats all I was allowed to eat, ,i was on strick diet of ramon nuddles and cum form strangers . made me get on ebay as he watched then he made me upload pics of my car and sell it fast for cash and then send him the money fedx .then I had to cancel my car insurance,and then I had to cancel my heath insurance, i had to walk or take the bus to work now and and then I had to give all my male clothes away at goodwill ,except a few male work clothes, he gave me a small allowance each week my owner then made me buy a you tube of superglue , and then get dressed up in a bright pink bra and pink stockings and frostie pink lipstick , and then get on a live gay chat room and open my web cam and start following orders from strangers after 30 mins my master started sending me orders seat on a 9 black dildo and bounce up and down, after that he made me get the tube of superglue and show the camera it was brand new , then he send me a order for me to beg him over and over to squeeze the superglue into the padlock key hole on my chastity device , telling me to say how I am a loser white faggot and I don't need my tiny clit anyway and how I cant get hard anymore and how I wish I born a real girl , please master allow me to superglue your lock shut forever , I beg you over and over again,, after 10 mins , you finally give the order to do it ,, I put the webcam down next to my clit and squeeze the superglue right into the keyhole filling it up , after that my master started laughing at me and told me that now that ive proven myself to him that I quess he doesn't need to hold onto the key anymore and then he told me he was going to throw it into a lake today when he goes out .
two days later he made me get dressed like street hooker and beg him to allow me to cut up all my own credit cards up on web cam as he watched he made me tell him my real name and that I didn't need my credit cards any more because I don't know how to deal with money because I was a white sissy faggot and he laughed and showed me that he has the ones the bank sent him in his hands now . the bills kept coming to my house for every card he had , he would max out one and then make me call the card company on three way calling and i had to get the credit line incressed for that card , after i hung up he would laugh at me and tell me what a loser i was and how this was never going to end he was going to blackmail me forever and totally ruin me ,, the next day was friday and my black master made me call in work sick and get dressed like a bimbo cumslut. in bright pink micro mini skirt, white thigh high stocking bright pink 5 in open toe heels that are locked on , a pink and white crop top that has the words SISSY BOY on the front in glitter , i large black inflatable butt plug is in my ass pussy ,a red g string pulled up high and red 36 d cup bra that i have large filled water ballons , a leather collar on that says CUMSLUT.my make up is pink frosted lipstick, and red lip liner ,heavy black eyeliner and i have big pink plasic ear rings on, my hair is blonde and big , i have on 2in long pink finger nails and im holding my pink barbie purse. then he told me go outside and get in the car because today your going to the DRIVER LICENCE OFFICE and when i pulled up outside the office he made me put on my blue tooth ear piece and ordered me to go inside and get the form to legally change my name . now get out of the car and go get your sissy named changed FOREVER . he waited till i got the form and then he said to start filling out the form and wear it says new legal name he made me put SISSY PATTIE SWALLOWS . and then take a picure of the form and send it to him before i turned it in ...then after i turned it in i had to go get your new driver licence picture done . or he said he will email everyone on my contacts list your boss, your parents, and your x wife , all the pics of you sucking all those cucks and swallowing all that cum, do you under stand sissy faggot
then after 14 months my master made me sell my house real quick to a guy he called and sent all my info too about my house he made me meet him dressed like a sissy hooker in my own house while he watched on web cam i had to sign every paper where it said my name i had to sign both names then i had to suck him off and let him fuck me bareback and sign the last paper as he shot his cum deep in my hole and then go to the bank and send all 300,000 dollars to his bank account every penny then in 2 weeks i had to move into a lowrent apt he picked out on the web in the black part of town,and i was to openly be a gay white sissy there and never lock my front door ever, no drapes all windows unlocked, he made me sell or give away all my furnature bedroom set , kitchen table , tv, everything in my old house was gone , everything I didn't sell I had to rent a big dumpster and he hired a couple of guys to totally clean out the rest of my house while I was at work and all my pictures family photos everything was now gone . my entire old life was now gone forever.. he wanted everything in my run down apt to be totally girlie and femine, and only furnature I can have is a couple of lawn chairs and a pink girlie bedroom set , with pink sheets and bed spread , he then made me start putting in applacations in at girlie jobs and the gaybars putting my new name sissy pattie swallows on every form until i got hired as a waiter at the gay bar down the street from my new apt i had to walk to work every night and then walk home after every night. after I got the job at the gay bar I had to work there for a 2 weeks doing both jobs not getting home tell 2am then going to work at 7am, finally my master made me get all my male work clothes , pile them up on the table and get a pair of sizzers and he told me to start cutting them all up into small pieces , every thing male I had left was now gone,, I was crying , he told me I didn't need anything male ever again,
thats when my BLACK MASTER finally did it and made me watch on my computer as he typed up my letter quiting my job , and attaching 10 different pics of me dressed femine and slutty sucking strangers cocks with cum on my face and in my mouth , and then making ME beg over and over on web cam to push send on my computer, i cried and finally did it that night i had to get dressed as a sissy boy and go to the same tattoo parlor that he sent a design too and prepaid and get a tramp stamp in 4in high letters(SISSY CUMDUMP) , now i have to work at a gaybar wearing girls shorts shorts g string underwear cb 6000 and cute crop top a pushup bra and bright pink lipstick and NO WIG
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2020.07.16 16:50 xdxx4516JJul Boys shower spy cam

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submitted by xdxx4516JJul to Home_Made_Fun [link] [comments]


2018.02.26 17:10 FenderBender4756 Boys shower spy cam

(from Parts 1-2)
"STATUS: AWAKE! SITUATION: MUST PERFORM MORNING DUTIES!" Lammy suddenly woke up with a jolt and robotically stated, causing the equally naked, hot and bothered Katy (who had been literally just about to touch her lips against hers and lovingly smooch her in her sleep, mind you) to reflexively flinch backward and scream in shock.
"SIGH...lemme guess, you little rascals just found a way to hijack my girlfriend's central nervous system from the inside and take control over her entire body as was clearly intended right from the start?" Katy boredly rested her left (face) cheek on her respective palm, cupped her right hand around the respective ear of Lammy's and whispered exhaustedly into Lammy's right ear canal.
"YOU FUCKING BETCHA, PUSSY-CAT!" Lammy rather weirdly uncharacteristically told her while Parappa and Ma-San clumsily fumbled about with her obligatory voice-control microphone, ultimately concluding that the former of the two would be the one to become Lammy's new voice actor.
"So tell me, boys; are you ready to push my girlfriend's BUTTONS or what?!" Katy whispered excitedly into Lammy's ear canal with yet another profoundly shit-eating smirk plastered onto her face from ear TO ear while Parappa and Ma-San fiddled about with Lammy's self-consciousness adjustment levers.
"Of course; why, it's no FUN if we don't get to utterly HUMILIATE and debase the poor already-batshit-insane girl in the process, now IS it?" Ma-San blushingly, moaningly crooned and giggled with sadistic delight as Lammy suddenly became self-aware of her admittedly rather horrifying and degrading (perhaps even, dare I say, UN-NERVING) current predicament.
"HUH?! W-WHAT'S THIS ABOUT PUSHING MY BUTTONS? W-WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! SERIOUSLY, PLEASE FREAKING TELL ME, I NEED TO FREAKING KNOW, PLEASE!" Lammy screamed in a fit of panic, forcefully shoving Katy away from her and struggling to maintain even partial control over herself as she awkwardly, dizzily stumbled and fumbled around and about the room like a complete drunken idiot...while still naked, no less.
"Yeah, POSE for the camera, baby!" Katy laughed and cheered hornily as she pulled out her iPad and eagerly began recording some more of Lammy's gorgeous naked body for all of the local porn sites to have complete nasal aneurysms over, making sure to zoom in extra-boner-inducingly close on that big, round, bubbly, juicy butt of hers while she was busy bending her entire body all the way over forward just to reach the bottom shelf (read: the jean shelf) of her clothing dresser.
"(GASP!) You absolute PERVERT!" Lammy angrily scolded Katy, slapping her across the face and then proceeding to pull out her signature shirt, bikini, blue jeans and underwear from her dresser while Katy lovingly purred and moaned with delight from the absolutely amazing sensation of being smacked in the face BY Lammy.
Being forced (by Parappa and Ma-San's control over her) to deliberately walk from her bedroom to her bathroom in the sexiest, most Quentin-Tarantino-esquely foot-exposing way possible so that her beautiful, lovely, rosy-red-nail-polished tootsies could also be filmed on iPad video camera by Katy, Lammy confusedly set her clothes down on the bathroom sink and stepped into her fancy rectangular-cube-shaped marble shower in all of her dearly beloved buck-naked glory, tits and all...and of course, Katy also followed along behind her, with a great big gold-plated classical MIRROR in hand, no less!
"Alright, just gotta get THIS set in here real quick and BAM, done! Happy fapping, kinky Internet BOYS!" Katy smarmily teased the story's target audience as she inserted her iPad into a rather conspicuously placed slot in the dead top-center of the mirror's frame, then bolted off to grab her OWN signature clothes, the ran back INTO the bathroom to set said clothes down onto the bathroom sink WITH Lammy's, then FINALLY, last but DEFINITELY not least, stepped into the shower with Lammy and readied herself to perform the inevitable.
"Alright, here we go, just turn the dial, and...GAH! For the love of fuck, WHY can I not bring myself to turn the knob up to reasonably hot temperatures all of a sudden?!" Lammy gasped in shock as she desperately tried with all of her might to crank the shower's temperature knob up into the warm/hot zone...but alas, try as she did, Parappa and Ma-San had already issued a restraining order on her hands to prevent her from doing so!
"A-a-all t-the b-better to p-prevent the s-s-sh-shower's g-g-gl-glass w-w-walls f-from m-m-m-misting up, m-my d-d-d-dear!" Katy stammered and shivered irritatedly as she and Lammy reluctantly huddled together and began seductively lathering gelatinous cleaning products all over each other's (metaphorically) smoking-hot naked bodies while Parappa and Ma-San began masturbating furiously from deep within the latter's brain while voyeuristically spying on the rather kinky affair through her eye sockets (or, to be more precise, her eye-socket CAM, followed by an alternate third-person cam that pretty much rendered the mirror completely useless anyway).
"Tee hee...just kidding, sweetheart, we can turn up the heat just a bit WARMER and HOTTER and STEAMIER if you're so desperately inclined..." Lammy sluttily teased the adorably shivering and helpless Katy, reaching over to the shower knob and gently twisting it into the "warm" temperature zone with her left hand while incredibly suggestively smearing creamy, gooey, pure-white body wash into the cleavage of Katy's still-jovially-jiggling, baby-blue cat tits with her right.
SPEAKING OF RIGHT HANDS...
"Am...am I dead right now? Is...is this...h-HEAVEN?!" Ma-San stammered in unbearably aroused disbelief, desperately struggling to resist the urge to masturbate herself to the point of climax while she and Parappa continued unwelcomely manning Lammy's behavioral control cockpit, somehow STILL remaining unbeknownst to the absolute nutcase in the process (naturally, she just assumed it was the COCAINE that was making her act this way).
"Oh dear God, I feel like I'm being SHOWERED from brain to feet with GLORIOUS coconut cream pies right now..." Parappa moaned and panted lovingly in pure unbridled ecstasy, drooling what seemed like literal gallons from his big, meaty, dripping, dangling tongue and stroking his cock so hard that it almost literally became as hard as solid diamonds while Lammy and Katy continued nakedly fondling each other.
"OH, KATY...YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LIVE ON MY OWN WITHOUT YOU..." Lammy absentmindedly drooled, panted and slurred as she brought Katy's lips directly onto hers and promptly, moistly began tying her tongue together with hers in their absolute wettest, sloppiest french kiss to date while the two of them also gently, teasingly fingered each other's vaginas in the process, once again smearing disgusting amounts of gooey, sticky white cream all over the insides AND outsides of said vaginas.
"Aww, don't be so HARD on yourself..." Katy lovingly patted her on the thoroughly invaded and hijacked head and playfully whispered into her left ear canal while the two of them romantically, nakedly, ever-so-wetly cuddled each other, ritualistically (and erotically) running their hands down each other's finely sculpted backs, spanking each other's wondrously tight asses and even burying their heads into the sweet, tender embraces of each other's warm, bulbous, cushiony boobies and orally worshipping them in the process.
"Yes, I suppose you COULD say that we really do, in fact, have quite the HARD-ONS ourselves right about now...owwww...OWWWWWWWWWWW!" Lammy (and Parappa, and Ma-San) shrieked in painfully orgasmic delight, creaming themselves so hard that they actually quite literally PASSED OUT ALTOGETHER as a result.
"Aww, was that shower too HOT for you guys? Man, what a DRAG, am I right?" Katy smarmily teased Lammy, Parappa and Ma-San as she irritatedly grabbed her beloved girlfriend by the inexplicably human ankles and dragged her out onto the bathroom floor, making a point to give Lammy's beautiful, mouthwateringly large transgender tomboy tootsies a good licking, massaging, toe-sucking and kissing (and also lovingly rub and press the little beauties all over her face, making sure to droolingly take in their wonderfully clean, pristine and rosy fresh-out-of-the-shower aroma all the while) before finally setting her legs back down flat onto the floor, nakedly sitting criss-crossed in front of her and patiently waiting several minutes for her and her brain-hijackers to wake back up again.
TILBOP PART 2
"Alright, Lammy, it's been literally fifteen fucking minutes now; are you going to wake the hell up or WHAT?" Kat, who had now already finished recording her "lesbian shower-sex and foot-worship" video for QUITE some time, growled impatiently at Lammy, teasingly tickling and scratching the poor lamb's smooth, sexy soles with her finger-claws to try to coax her INTO waking up.
"AFFIRMATIVE! TEE HEE HEE!" Lammy giggled adorably and wiggled her lustrously rglistening, Katy's-saliva-caked feet up and down frantically as she suddenly woke right back up with yet another profoundly startling jolt (surely enough, now that they were literally inside her brain and had even gone as far as to take control over it, Parappa and Ma-San were somehow able to telekinetically feel EXACTLY what Lammy felt...and yes, that obviously includes sexual sensations as well).
"Alrighty then, let's brush our TEETH, shall we?" Katy laughed playfully as she and Lammy hopped right back over to the bathroom (double) sink and got out their toothbrushes.
"Wouldn't it be more convenient if you and me cleaned the house- (slaps self) -ERR, I mean, the SAND out from each other's vaginas?" Lammy asked Katy condescendingly, prompting the two of them to sassily give each other the bedroom eyes as they slowly reached their way down into each other's baby-makers with their toothbrushes (and also with a sly wink and a sloppy kiss, let's not forget that).
"Um, Katy, I don't really want to be do- (slaps self) -ING ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD THAT ISN'T THIS RIGHT NOW, DARLING!" Lammy began laughing dementedly as she and Katy began diligently, vigorously digging right into each other's vaginas and scrubbing the hairy yellow crust out from within them with their toothbrushes, moaning passionately all the while.
"Of course you don't, my poor confused plaything, of COURSE you don't!" Katy laughed uproariously, slapping Lammy on both the back AND the ass (AND the tits) as her big fluffy cat pussy climaxed and began drizzling its own "creamy gooey white liquid" all over Lammy's toothbrush while Lammy's big fluffy LAMB pussy also did very much the same for Katy's toothbrush.
"Okay, now we just add the toothpaste and BON APPETIT!" Katy snickered somewhat embarrassedly (after all, the apartment building DID have numerous security cameras, albeit ones that no one even remotely competent had been monitoring for quite a while) as she and Lammy brought their now thoroughly paste-covered toothbrushes straight up to their mouths and began scrubbing their teeth furiously with a mixture of toothpaste and each other's vaginal discharges.
"Oh my god, IT'S JUST LIKE ONE OF MY JAPANESE ANIMES!" Ma-San crooned with pure unbridled joy while Parappa just sat there right next to her in Lammy's behavorial control center, his jaw dropped firmly to the floor in amazement as he and Ma-San continued reducing Lammy into even MORE of a pathetically helpless sex puppet than she already was by default.
"Mmm, yum yum YUM!" Lammy giggled with excitement as she and Katy lovingly spat their own disgustingly congealing mixtures of toothpaste, vag-crust, saliva and liquid estrogen into each other's mouths and swallowed them, leaving what little was left OF said mixtures all over their teeth and tongues for the whole world of literally TWO people living inside Lammy's brain at the moment to see.
"Now THAT'S what I call fucking disgusting!" Parappa laughed uproariously, suddenly turning green in the face and trying desperately not to puke while Lammy and Katy VERY indiscreetly flashed their yellow-crust-speckled teeth and hung out their vaginal-pus-dripping tongues for each other in the bathroom, making rock'n'roll "devil horns" signs with their hands all the while.
"What do you MEAN, disgusting?! Why, I dare say THAT WAS THE ABSOLUTE MOST BEAUTIFUL FUCKING THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!" Ma-San moaned orgasmically, not even remotely TRYING to hide how hard she had just been fingering herself TO said vomit-inducingly gross thing.
"Oh, Lammy, you ALWAYS know how to make a girl SQUIRT, you know that?" Katy sluttily teased Lammy, slapping her on the back and causing her to accidentally spit out the remaining...STUFF that had just gotten stuck underneath her tongue all over her side of the mirror, prompting her to then immediately begin licking it right OFF of said mirror without even the slightest second thought.
"Oh PUH-LEEZE, you KNOW that guys squirt WAY better anyway...OWW! GOD DAMN IT, I DIDN'T MEAN TO FUCKING SAY THAT! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHAT THE HELL'S GOTTEN INTO ME?! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, PLEASE TELL ME, PLEASE, I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Lammy sarcastically jeered at Lammy, then got forcefully bitch-slapped across the face by Katy and promptly began desperately yelling and screaming in terror, grabbing onto Katy's shoulders and shaking her violently to see if she could literally SHAKE the answers right out of her (after all, we ARE talking about a universe that runs strictly on cartoon logic here, if the whole "supercomputer in Lammy's brain" thing wasn't already indication enough).
"Oh, don't worry, you poor, clueless little thing; you don't NEED to know exactly what's gotten INTO you, per se, until much, MUCH later in this episode, sweetums! You're just completely stoned out of your mind on crack, darling; try not to over-THINK it, will you?" Katy giggled suspiciously insincerely, patting Lammy on the head and playfully stroking her fingers through the poor girl's hair.
"Uh, yeah RIGHT, sure...well, anyway, I also haven't heard from those adorable little Parappa and Ma-San sweethearts (cue sarcastic snicker from Katy) in QUITE a while...well, at least by THEIR standards, anyway...seriously, where the hell did they get off to?" Lammy asked Katy distrustingly, strongly suspecting that there was something more than a little fishy going on with those two and their sudden disappearances...and quite possibly brain-related as well, while she was at it.
"Oh, let me tell you, dearie, the question isn't WHERE we're getting off to, it's WHAT we're getting off to!" Ma-San whispered just as comically overexcitedly and fetishistically as ever, fingering herself to Lammy's ignorance all the while.
"SHH!" Parappa hissed warningly at her, leaning over to where her seat was, glancing back and forth profoundly paranoidly and slapping his hand over her mouth to shut her up while she just shrugged her shoulders, threw her arms out beside her and rolled her beady little eyes in response. "IF WE LET HER FIND OUT WE'RE IN HERE, THIS WHOLE MISSION WILL BE A BUST!"
(from Parts 7-8)
MAN, it sure has been one of those days..." Lammy groaned exhaustedly as she woke up and found herself lying face-up on the sidewalk (thankfully with her signature outfit back on, if nothing else) and was immediately greeted by Katy, who reached out her hand to her in an offer to pull her back up onto her feet.
"So, what's new? Am I going to have to go inside YOUR fucking brain and get violently assaulted and raped by your fucking personal demons or some shit?" Lammy asked Katy sarcastically, exhaustedly leaning forward and dangling her arms out in front of her as Katy pulled her right back up onto her feet and gave her a loving smooch on the brightly blushing cheek.
"Personal demons? Oh, bitch PLEASE, everyone knows that THOSE are just a stupid MYTH!" Katy clutched her chest and laughed uproariously; meanwhile, deep inside Lammy's brain, Parappa and Ma-San had already been loudly begging to differ for quite some time now, needless to say.
"HMM...should we, perhaps, release all of these pornographic videos of Lammy to the Internet, a social media platform that is already horrendously oversaturated with outright shameless porn of her?" Ma-San's buck-naked, ridiculously sexualized right-shoulder devil asked her teasingly, furrowing her brows and grinning maliciously as she smugly crossed her deliciously large-footed legs atop Ma-San's shoulder and rested her left elbow against the right side of Ma-San's face.
"Or should we just leave all of them private and make it her responsibility to never, EVER tell ANYONE or any-THING about them?" Ma-San's left-shoulder angel asked her worriedly, glancing nervously around her to make sure no one was watching before finally shrinking back to normal size and flying straight back into Ma-San's brain through her left ear canal while her right-shoulder devil took the right.
"Hee hee hee hee hee...oh, I think I know EXACTLY what WE'RE gonna do..." Ma-San began cackling evilly, rubbing her hands together like a dirty, scheming, no-good little fly while Parappa began thinking to himself about far more pressing and important matters.
"HMM, I wonder...should we, perhaps, have Lammy dump this stupid cat bitch and find herself a new girlfriend that actually KNOWS how to properly spend her money?" Parappa's also-buck-naked and shockingly well-endowed left-shoulder devil asked him arrogantly as he stood atop the poor dog's shoulder and began forcefully tugging on his big floppy ear to get his attention, causing him to loudly yelp and squeal in pain while the little devil just laughed at him in response.
"Or should we, uhh...do...what the DEVIL said, hee hee?" Parappa's right-shoulder angel stammered nervously, awkwardly drumming his fingers together in dead silence as he and the devil flew right back through Parappa's ear canals into his brain without another word whatsoever.
"Damnit, I KNOW it's the right thing to do, but I just can't BRING myself to do it...I mean, what'll Milkcan be without KATY'S big, juicy milk cans?" Parappa rested his head on the computer's dashboard and sobbed gently.
"Meh, I prefer Lammy's ACTUAL FUCKING PERSONALITY myself!" Ma-San VERY hypocritically growled at Parappa, smacking him upside the head and savagely karate-kicking him in the balls.
MEANWHILE IN KATY'S AUTOMOBILE...
"So, anyway...now that the whole meet-and-greet part of that greedy womanizing bastard's contract is finally, FINALLY fucking over with, can we PLEASE go home and get some rest?" Lammy asked Katy exhaustedly, collapsing sideways against Katy's shoulder and falling asleep.
"Of COURSE, cutie-pie; why, that's exactly where we're heading RIGHT NOW, in fact!" Katy chuckled merrily as she lovingly twisted her arm around and patted Lammy on her lovely red head with it while the car rapidly made its way back to the also un-necessarily tall high-rise building that housed Lammy's and Katy's apartment.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, IN LAMMY'S BEDROOM...
"Alright, Lammy, you ready?" Katy asked Lammy encouragingly, strapping herself into her favorite bondage outfit and dimming the lights as she got down on her hands and knees atop Lammy's queen-size bed and once again spanked her ass to signal that it was now officially mating season.
"You BET I am, sister!" Lammy chuckled excitedly as she stripped herself completely naked from head to toe and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth, flatten her nails and comb her hair in preparation.
"Wait a minute, SISTER?! Does...does she mean that LITERALLY?!" Parappa gasped in shock.
"It's...it's a REALLY long and morally questionable story to say the least..." Ma-San sighed.
While Lammy was busy taking care of her cosmetic hygiene (note that I only said COSMETIC), Parappa and Ma-San were already drooling at the mouths and shaking in their seats with excitement at the mere THOUGHT of what they were about to get the chance to directly witness in person!
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness ONE OF THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD." Parappa began ominously explaining, converting Lammy's brain-cam to cockpit view and already trying excruciatingly hard not to bust out laughing as his shit-eating grin grew ever wider.
"At about 11:30, Eastern Standard Time, through THESE eyes' external spiritual surrounding awareness field, or in laymen's terms, their internal third-person video-recording feature, you will get to see Milkcan's ridiculously hot lead guitarist, Lammy, share a nice bit of...(snickers)...LOVE with her lesbian girlfriend Katy." Parappa whispered mischievously to his future audience, covering his mouth with his hands to stop himself from laughing.
"And she ain't DRESSED for the OCCASION, if ya KNOW what I MEAN!" Ma-San creepily snickered, trying even harder to stop herself from bursting out laughing than Parappa was.
"Heeheehee, yup...YOU heard right...she's COMPLETELY...NAAAAY-KEEEED!" the frightfully, increasingly horny Parappa suddenly put one of his hands up against the side of his mouth with the palm facing out and crooned incredibly creepily, his eyes going bloodshot as his aforementioned shit-eating grin suddenly went FAR beyond "ear-to-ear" magnitude and went straight into "earhole-to-earhole" territory.
"WITH NO CLOTHES ON!" Ma-San yelled ecstatically at the tops of her lungs, her eyes suddenly becoming the infamous "overexcited anime sparkler" variety as her nose violently sprayed blood all over the place at the mere PASSING thought of what she and Parappa were about to witness while Parappa face-palmed himself humiliatedly and reluctantly set Lammy's brain-cam back into third-person view.
"Alright, Katy, I'm READY; for your own sake, YOU'D sure as hell BETTER be too!" Lammy called out teasingly to Katy as she walked back into the bedroom, jumped right onto the bed and let the fun and games begin.
"Listen up, BITCH!" Lammy yelled lividly at Katy, getting down on her knees in front of her and brutally bitch-slapping her right across her blue pussy face. "You have absolutely NO fucking idea how goddamned HORRIFIC the fucking things that you and Joe Chin put me through actually WERE, do you? DO YOU?!"
"I'm sorry, I kind of...like, forgot and stuff...can you, like, give me a recap?" Katy asked sarcastically, struggling to continue looking into Lammy's big, bulbous, veiny eyes and not staring at her tits.
"Well, I dunno, HMM, let's SEE here...first I was forced to lick Chop Chop Hobo Onion's filthy disgusting feet that he hadn't properly washed in at least the past two WEEKS, with the fucking SHIT residue from my butthole smeared all over them, no less...then I was fucking mind-controlled into having sex with a morbidly fat and ugly moose woman named after Benito Mooselini while taking her car on a fucking Grand Theft Auto rampage through the city...then I was eaten alive by a fucking drug-dealing con-artist frog from Jamaica and ended up having to fucking DISSECT him from the inside-out with nothing more than my bare fucking HANDS and a chainsaw..." Lammy sarcastically, angrily began recounting while Katy just trembled in fear.
"THEN I was mind-controlled into eating my own fucking NEWBORN CHILD, then I was raped by some creepy-ass pedophile dude that I couldn't even tell whether the species of was flea or some kind of six-limbed spider, then I found out that you had made me unknowingly sniff up Parappa and Ma-San directly into my fucking BRAIN..." Lammy continued, slapping Katy upside the head even harder this time while Katy just helplessly, pathetically quivered in fear and squeezed several laughably fake tears from her eyes in a truly miserable attempt to gain Lammy's sympathy.
"THEN I found myself nearly being suffocated to fucking DEATH in the moldy, rancid, middle-aged vagina of a giant eldritch caterpillar-woman monstrosity who allegedly hadn't even bothered to properly CLEAN said vagina in literally all FIFTY FUCKING YEARS of her life so far...then I got violently abused by a horribly drunken, bipolar and severely mentally retarded airplane pilot who thought he was a drill sergeant...then I got reduced into a literal public sex toy by Paul Chuck and was literally fucked to DEATH by the local populace of anthropomorphic vegetables, inanimate objects and the like...and then FINALLY, once all of THAT shit was over with, I also found myself having literally no choice but to confess all of my deepest and most embarrassing secrets to an entire auditorium filled with the souls of the damned, or DIE! IN MY FUCKING AFTERLIFE, NO LESS!" Lammy shrieked enragedly at Katy, tackling her sorry, bondage-outfitted ass head-over-heels onto the mattress and forcefully jamming her bare, filthy and ever-so-delightfully-reeking feet right into her disturbingly laughing and smiling face.
"TELL me, you fucking pussy, how do YOU like this, huh? Having my dirty, smelly, slimy fucking feet that have not only been rotting away in my fucking SHOES all day without even having a decent pair of fucking SOCKS to keep them company, but have also just recently been used to crawl around on and bloodily mutilate the inner mucus membrane of a fucking fly-gobbling frog's STOMACH like a disgusting little insect while also being covered with a rather admittedly FASCINATING mixture of partially caked mud, frog sweat, Elmer's glue and swamp moss, pressed all over your STUPID FUCKING FACE?! HOW DO YOU FUCKING LIKE IT, HMM?!" Lammy began roaring infuriatedly at Katy, pressing her feet against her girlfriend's face even harder...and causing said girlfriend's already-raging ERECTION to inexplicably GROW even harder as a result! (Yes, she was using Lammy's magically enchanted dildo; please don't question it.)
"Oh, for the love of God, don't fucking tell me-" Lammy began, only to immediately be cut off by Katy.
"Are you freaking kidding me, sister? Why, of COURSE I like it! I fucking LOVE it, in fact! Haven't I already TOLD you about this weird kink of mine many times before? Or am I just dreaming it? Either way, your fucking feet have just GOT to be some of THE absolute sexiest fucking things I honestly think I've ever laid eyes upon in my entire goddamned LIFE...and believe me, I am most definitely NOT afraid to admit that to you!" Katy began laughing excitedly as she fervently licked all the way up and down Lammy's luxuriously smooth and wrinkly soles from the heels to the arches to her adorable little human toes and then back again in a process that she would then go on to repeat many, MANY times over, completely soaking Lammy's soles with her gooey, dripping feline saliva in the process.
"Hmm...well, this is certainly making MY dick a lot harder than it should be, I'll give you THAT much..." Lammy blushed and sighed awkwardly while Katy lovingly sucked her lovely rosy-red-nail-polished toes and gave her a few teasing licks in between them before finally wetly and sloppily kissing them (leaving great big lipstick kiss marks right on the ball of each one, naturally) and diligently sniffing in their wonderful swampy stomach aroma with her passionately bleeding nose.
"I SEE...so THIS is why you keep acting so unbearably DISGUSTED towards me lately..." Katy absentmindedly moaned with delight as she began massaging Lammy's tired, aching, brightly blushing soles with her thumbs while the poor girl murred and sighed with relieved pleasure.
"Do you FINALLY understand now?" Lammy condescendingly looked down at Katy and asked her sarcastically as she pressed her thumbs deeply into Lammy's arches and gave her the pressure-point stimulation of a lifetime, causing her to loudly moan with dominatrix arousal.
"YEAH...it APPEARS it's just as my beautiful Miss Lammy SAID...I'm just a PEST...no, I'm not just a pest, I'm a total fucking filthy, foot-licking PIG..." Katy sighed depressedly as she got back down onto her hands and knees and eagerly awaited Lammy's violently, gratuitously objectifying sexual abuse of her.
"ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MISS LAMMY?! IF I'M A FUCKING FILTHY, FOOT-LICKING PIG, YOU CAN SAY SO!" Katy suddenly began obnoxiously shrieking at the tops of her ever-loving sadomasochistic lungs while Lammy plugged her ears with her fingers to keep her brain from bursting.
"No...I believe you gave your ALL!" Lammy sarcastically complimented her, getting right back down on her knees behind Katy and readying herself for the Grand Penetration Of Her Anus (And Vagina).
"HEY! WHY AREN'T YOU TEASING ME ANYMORE?!" Katy began whining unbearably loudly, forcing Lammy to viciously punch her in the back of the head in order to FINALLY get her to shut up.
"I STILL AM, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" Lammy roared ferociously at Katy, unbuckling her butt/vagina straps and driving her big, fluffy lamb fist deeply into her ass while the crazy cat lady began moaning and purring intensely with sadomasochistic sexual excitement as a result.
TILBOP PART 8
"Again, TELL me, Katy; how do you like my fucking FIST up your FUCKING ASS?!" Lammy yelled dominantly at Katy as she forcefully rammed her fist into Katy's suffocation-inducingly tight ass, causing Katy to moan and purr intensely with arousal.
"OH MY GOD, I FUCKING LOVE IT SO MUCH! I LITERALLY COULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE IT!" Katy began rabidly fangirling and squealing in ecstasy, pressing her hands gaily against her blushing (face) cheeks as Lammy finally pulled her fist out from the shit-smothered depths of Katy's internal rectum and then proceeded to move on to her feet as the next means of anal assault.
"How about literally getting your fucking ASS kicked, hmm? How's THAT feel?" Lammy asked Katy smarmily as she stood up on the mattress, bent her knee backward and once again violently rammed her left foot directly into Katy's eagerly awaiting asshole.
"OOOOOOOH!" Katy crooned in both agony and immense pleasure as Lammy took out her left foot from the poor cat bastard's anal cavity before finally moving on to the right foot.
"OHHHHHHH!" Katy squealed in pain as Lammy took out her right foot from her ass-orifice before finally moving on to the thing that she had REALLY been waiting for...
"Hey, GIMME that!" Lammy angrily scolded Katy, forcefully unstrapping her jock strap and re-strapping it where it rightfully belonged...needless to say, ON THE FUCKING LAMB!
"Und now for zee grand deliverance of zee delicious coup-de-grace to begin, ma sœur!" Lammy teasingly cooed into Katy's ear, well aware that the poor little kitten actually WAS, in fact, quite literally her sister. "Let us begin vith zee RUMP ROAST!"
"OHH...AHH...YEAHHHH...THIS IS JUST LIKE GOOD OLD TIMES AT THE ELEMENTARY-SCHOOL PLAYGROUND...EXCEPT WITH BOTH PARTICIPANTS BEING LEGALLY AGED AND FEMALE..." Katy moaned, trembled and shook with arousal as Lammy's massive rubber wiener deeply penetrated her butthole; all the while, Katy could feel her butt tearing as her eyes began to water. She desperately continued to push against Lammy's force, wanting to please her as her dick finally reached climax.
"OHHHH, MOMMMMYYYYYY!" Lammy and Katy both wailed a mighty orgasmic wail in unison as the former lovingly filled the latter's butt with her hot, sticky, gooey, dripping love.
"C'mere, Katy, we've still got more WORK to do! You fuck with the lamb, you get to see the extra-super-duper HORNY side of her!" Lammy laughed excitedly as she scooped Katy up into her lap and began thrusting her already intensely cum-dripping dildo into the eagerly anticipating cat woman's vagina without even bothering to use a condom.
"OHH, LAMMY...YOU ARE JUST TOO GOOD TO ME, YOU KNOW THAT? SERIOUSLY, WHENEVER I'M WITH YOU, I FEEL LIKE I CAN LITERALLY DO ANYTHING...AND THAT MOST ESPECIALLY INCLUDES CREAMING MYSELF, JUST FOR THE RECORD..." Katy happily, softly purred and meowed with delight as she looked behind herself and began lovingly french-kissing Lammy while the sheep slut passionately rammed her rock-hard, throbbing rubber dildo into the cute little kitty girl's incredibly veiny and elastic pussy.
"SWEET LORD HAVE MERCY, THAT FEELS SO GOOD..." Lammy orgasmically moaned and drooled, lovingly caressing Katy's big fluffy feline body and stroking her fingers straight down it from the armpits to the hips, causing Katy to laugh and giggle adorably from how ticklish she was while Lammy's dildo violently quaked and began gushing out yet another deliciously massive load of cum into Katy's fittingly named pussy.
"Don't worry, my dear; I'LL SAVE YOU!" Lammy reassured Katy teasingly as got down on her side with her boobs directly facing Katy, crossed her own legs seductively and grabbed onto the thick, juicy thighs of Katy's with her hands so that she could spread them out and use them as handles while she began diligently digging into the adorable cat lady's now widely stretched-out and therefore opened-up baby-maker with her tongue.
"OOH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD...YOU ARE TRULY THE GREATEST SISTER I'VE EVER HAD, YOU KNOW THAT?" Katy moaned and panted just as lovingly as ever while Lammy's tongue deftly slithered its way deeper and deeper through her delectably moist, soft, warm and squishy vaginal walls until it finally hit the back of her uterus, causing her to loudly yelp with pleasure and surprise as Lammy erotically teased over said vigorously pulsating, throbbing and pounding uterus with her soggy, dripping tongue.
"Wait a minute...aren't YOU also kind of supposed to be Lammy's BROTHER or some shit?!" Ma-San took a roughly four-second break from fingering herself to ask Parappa disgustedly; Parappa, however, was already masturbating FAR too furiously to even care in the slightest. Saying that he was panting and drooling like a dog would be considerably understating it; hell, even his HAT was beginning to stiffen with excitement.
"OH, MY DEARLY BELOVED BIG SIS, HOW I LOVE IT WHEN YOU LICK MY CREAMY CENTER...OHHHHHH, YESSSSSS..." Katy moaned and drooled orgasmically, nearly passing out from sheer relaxation overload as her vagina audibly quaked and began blasting out an entire pint's worth of creamy, gooey estrogen into Lammy's eagerly awaiting mouth.
"So tell me, Katy...what would you like to do next, SLAVE?" Lammy teasingly asked Katy while lasciviously licking her lips and letting Katy's thick, gooey strands of girl-cum dangle from her tongue like hot, melted mozzarella cheese from the spoon of a nice big bowl of tortilla soup.
"Oh, I think I KNOW what I'M gonna do next, thank you very much!" Katy began laughing maniacally as she teasingly stroked her fingers through Lammy's beautiful rosy-red hair, then finally through her own gorgeous golden-blonde hair while submissively lowering herself down onto her knees and offering her big, bulbous boobs to Lammy.
"Come on, you KNOW you want them...just admit it...don't be SHY..." Katy continued playfully teasing Lammy, who then rather unsurprisingly unhesitantly proceeded to stick her dildo right in between Katy's boobs and stroke it up and down through her ever-so-delightfully cute little cleavage.
"Now THIS is what I call servicing your MASTER..." Lammy leaned her head ever-so-slightly back and moaned lovingly with immense satisfaction as Katy began forcefully pushing and sliding her boobs up and down against Lammy's giant rubber shaft in order to therefore speed up its hardening process that much more as a result.
"My, my, you're such a NAUGHTY little pussycat, aren't you? WHO'S A BAD GIRL? WHO'S A BAD GIRL? YES YOU ARE, OH YES YOU ARE!" Lammy began teasing Katy as if she was literally her brainless, domesticated pet, pamperingly stroking the overly attached cat-girlfriend's head as she audibly swallowed her pride, grabbed Lammy's dick, wrapped her lips around the big, chubby tip of it and began sucking like there was no tomorrow.
"Sorry, pal; I'm afraid I'm gonna have to be TAKING this now!" Katy playfully jeered at Lammy as she sneakily stole the jock strap right off of Lammy's waist (while she was busy throwing her head back and moaning in ecstasy, of course) and fastened it right back around hers so that Lammy could deliver the TRUE coup-de-grace finale of the night.
"YOUR BIG SEXY FEET. MY BIG SEXY DICK." Katy concisely commanded Lammy, pointing to each thing in order with her index fingers while Lammy humiliatedly accepted her request and wrapped her lovely, lovely soles and toes around Katy's already rock-hard shaft and began juicing her dick like a berry, tightly squeezing her left foot face-down around the foreskin while stroking her shaft rigorously with her right sole, causing Katy to moan ecstatically as she felt all of its deliciously soft, fleshy and smooth wrinkles and ripples teasing over her progressively more astonishing length.
"COME ON...COME ONNN...OHHH, DEAR GOD, YESSS!" Katy shrieked in orgasmic ecstasy as her dick finally gave in and began uncontrollably gushing out strand after strand of delicious womanly cum all over the frontal portion Lammy's beautiful naked body, prompting the kinky little slut to teasingly rub it all over the rest of her body while giving Katy an additional, good-old-fashioned traditional footjob in the process.
"OH MAN, IT'S GETTING HARDER...HARDER...COME ON, STROKE IT HARDER...JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I'VE NEVER FELT THIS EXCITED BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE SODDING LIFE!" Katy shrieked exhaustedly with orgasmic satisfaction, removing her penis from in-between Lammy's big sexy tootsies and jamming it straight into her big fluffy vagina right at the VERY last second before climax as said penis COMPLETELY exploded yet again, gushing and squirting out what seemed like at least an entire QUART'S worth of pure liquid estrogen into her dearly beloved girlfriend's (and sister's) baby factory.
"OHHHH...SWEET HEAVENS, THIS TASTES SO FUCKING DELICIOUS..." Katy continued exhaustedly moaning with seemingly uncontrollable delight as she wormed her way even DEEPER into Lammy's uterus with her seductive feline tongue, actually managing to bring it all the way into her ovaries while Lammy left a complimentary load of additional estrogen ejaculate all over it to show her orgasmic appreciation.
"ALRIGHT, LAMMY, LET'S GO TO SLEEP NOW, SHALL WE?" Katy asked Lammy exhaustedly, panting and moaning and dripping with hot, sticky sweat to very much the same extent that Lammy was as she reached into Lammy's vagina, scooped out the portion of cum that she HADN'T already licked and swallowed from it with her hands, and lovingly drizzled it all over her tantalizing naked body.
"WE SHALL INDEED, SISTER; WE SHALL INDEED!" Lammy laughed delightedly as she and Katy curled up lovingly in bed together and excitedly began licking every last drop of recently-smeared-on cum right off of each other's gorgeously naked bodies, not even bothering to hide themselves underneath the covers in the process.
"SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, THAT WAS SO HOT..." Parappa and Ma-San moaned orgasmically in disbelief and passed out head-over-heels onto the wrinkly, spongy, vigorously throbbing and pulsating floor of Lammy's brain, their massive loads of cum STILL slowly but surely trickling down Lammy's thankfully self-cleaning computer screen as the recording went on for about fifteen more minutes before FINALLY fading to black.
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2018.02.26 09:49 MelonMan226 deep sleep made by Keith Daniels

I need to get back to digging soon.
My son is digging now, god bless him. He thinks I’m asleep, but that’s not going to happen. I haven’t slept easy for the last year. And now… now I don’t sleep at all.
It was about a year and a half ago that we moved. Karen got the RN position at the local clinic and I had been laid off from work at the greenhouses for a few months. We were getting low on money. Debt up to our necks. Tuition fees. Bills. We had no choice.
We packed up everything we could, sold what we couldn’t afford to move, and left our home of 14 years behind us. Our boy, Liam, was away at university at the time. I don’t think he understood how tight things were getting for us. I hope not. We didn’t need him worrying about all of that.
Right away we settled into the place. Karen was working 11 hour shifts at the clinic, on call 24/7. I started making money however I could. Yard work, some minor carpentry. After a couple months I got in with a roofing crew and by then we were doing okay. Started paying off the bills. Started getting our lives back in order.
That’s when it started happening.
Karen always had the nightmares. She told me how even as a little girl she would be afraid to go to bed… afraid to close her eyes for very long. I can remember when we first started dating back in high school, the first night we slept together she woke up screaming in the middle of the night. I’d never seen somebody so afraid. Most people tend to grow out of those things when they get older. The occasional bad dream isn’t that abnormal, but for me, adulthood means now I hardly dream at all. For Karen, the dreams never went away. She’d wake up almost every night in a sweat, shaking and out of breath. About three years after our marriage she finally took the doctor’s advice and went on a sleeping aid. They didn’t stop completely, but with the pills she could get through every other night with at least a few hours of good sleep. That’s what she told me, at least.
It was always the same. She’d wake up with a jump, breathing fast and wiping tears out of her eyes. “I was falling again,” she’d say, “just falling down and down.” I’d hold her for a bit, we’d shake it off and go back to sleep. It was normal for us, just one of those things you deal with as a couple. I never thought it would get so bad.
We’d both had a long day. Karen had just got home from the clinic and I’d finished up work on the Thompsons’ roof with the boys about an hour before she got back. I had the grill going when she walked up the front steps. It was the hottest day of that summer. Thirty-six degrees in the shade. Isn’t it funny, the stupid little things you remember? We ate porkchops for supper. Talked to Liam on the phone. Had a cold shower and watched some TV before going upstairs to bed.
I woke up, expecting to hear Karen’s rapid breathing and gasp of shock, but everything was quiet. Peaceful. Something was off, though. Something didn’t feel right. I don’t know if you have a significant other in your life, but when you share a bed with somebody for a long time you get real used to it. There’s a certain sense you have of that person lying next to you. I realized then what it was that felt so off. I couldn’t feel Karen next to me.
Then the strangest thing happened: I felt her hit the bed.
She screamed, louder and more afraid than I’d heard her in years. By the time I got my senses together enough to hold on to her to try and calm her down, she was completely soaked in sweat. When I pulled the bed sheets off her, Karen’s skin was cold to the touch and she wouldn’t stop crying. I had never felt so helpless, holding onto her and trying to talk her out of it. “It’s okay,” I told her, “you’re okay.” All the while, the bed was still shaking from when she had landed on the mattress.
After a long time, she did fall back to sleep. I laid awake, thinking. What happened hadn’t made any sense. I was sure that this time – and as far as I knew, for the first time – Karen really had been falling in her sleep.
After thinking it over for what felt like hours, I convinced myself of how it all went down. She must have been sleepwalking and fell on the bed just after I woke up. That would explain why she hit the bed so hard, and maybe when she had been walking around, she had bumped into something and that’s why I had woken up at that moment. I never woke up before Karen, not before this one time.
I laid there until morning trying to believe the explanation I had come up with, but two things wouldn’t allow me to be convinced. Karen never sleepwalked, and even if she had been that night, how did she get under the sheets so fast after falling into bed?
I remember being completely out of it the next day, after getting hardly any sleep and having the incident heavy on my mind. I didn’t say anything to Karen about it, but I could tell she knew something was up. That night when we went to bed, I didn’t fall asleep as quickly as I usually did. I lay there next to her, feeling the sheets move with her breathing, hearing the rain pattering over the deck outside.
That night, she didn’t even wake up, and after a few hours, I went to sleep.
It didn’t happen again the rest of the week. The week after that, she had a couple of nightmares, but nothing out of the ordinary, just what we had grown used to over the years. Another week passed by, and I stopped worrying about it. We carried on with our lives. Liam came home to visit for a few days between the end of his summer job and the start of the new semester. Things were good.
A week after Labor Day, it happened again. This time it was worse.
At four in the morning I woke up to Karen screaming and shaking around, but again, something was off. Her screams were shrill, frantic, but her voice sounded muffled. Again, I couldn’t feel her lying next to me, and I started crawling around, pulling up the sheets and feeling around for her with no luck. In my freshly-woken state, it took me a moment to realize what was happening. Karen’s screams were coming from underneath the bed.
With the lights on and my senses back I got her out from under there in a few seconds, but she was in rough shape. By the time I got her calmed down, she was still shivering like hell, cold and sweaty. I wanted to take her to the clinic, but she wouldn’t go, she just wouldn’t.
We sat there all night, leaning up against the bed, holding on to each other with the lights turned on. When I started to come down from the shock, I told Karen I was scared. She told me that she was too. With my wife’s new sleepwalking problem, sleep started becoming hard to come by. Most nights I’d end up lying awake until sunrise, unable to keep my eyes shut. Karen would tell me there was nothing to worry about, but of course, I couldn’t believe her.
Not more than two weeks had passed when it happened the next time. Just like before, Karen would end up under the bed in a complete state of shock. I could do nothing but get her out of there as fast as possible and try to calm her down. In November it happened twice. Still, she refused to go see the doctor. The end of November is when I decided to set up the camera.
I didn’t tell Karen about it at first because I knew she wouldn’t allow it. She was determined to try and forget about the incidents, but I couldn’t. It felt too strange to write off as a sudden case of sleepwalking, and if that’s all it was, at least then I’d know for sure.
I borrowed a trail cam from one of the boys in the roofing crew. They’d use it for hunting during the fall. Basically, you set the thing up and if it detects motion, an infrared camera takes a snapshot of whatever’s going on. It works in total dark, and will take a picture every five seconds as long as there is movement. If Karen was sleepwalking, I’d have to catch it with this thing.
I hid it in my work bag, which I kept on my dresser in the bedroom. Each night before bed, while Karen was in the bathroom taking her makeup off, I’d turn on the trail cam and set it up so that the lens pointed out of the open end of the bag. For weeks I’d set up that damned thing every night and nothing happened. Karen would have her usual nightmares, but nothing like what had happened before. Every morning I’d check the photos and find nothing but a few shots of us rolling over in bed, or the occasional time one of us went to the bathroom. Nothing. I started wondering why I was doing this but during Christmas break Karen had another incident, and this time the camera was ready.
Liam was home for Christmas and we’d all been over to a friends’ place for a visit and drinks. Around midnight we got back home and said goodnight to one another before heading upstairs to our bedrooms. I turned on the trail cam, not really expecting anything. At that point it had just become habit.
I jumped out of bed as soon as I heard Karen’s screams. I turned on the light and rushed back to the bed, ready to reach in and pull her out, my heart pounding in my chest. I got down on my hands and knees but realized after a moment that she wasn’t there. The space under the bed was empty.
That’s when Liam came into the room. His face was a mixture of confusion and shock. He said “Dad, what’s going on?” I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t think.
I realized then that Karen’s screaming was coming from outside the bedroom, she sounded like she was downstairs somewhere. I darted out of the room and ran down the hall, down the stairs with Liam following close behind. We found her lying in the middle of the kitchen floor, clutching her bloody left arm to her chest. She was sobbing, screaming in terror and unable to get up off the floor. When I went to her I saw the bone jutting out of her forearm. Instinct kicked in. I picked her up in my arms, Liam grabbed the keys and together we got her into the truck and were rushing up the clinic steps in under ten minutes.
The rest of the night was hectic. After checking out her arm, the doctor got us on the ambulance to the city. Liam rode in the back with his mom, I followed them in the truck. Longest goddamned four-hour drive of my life. At the hospital they fixed her arm, and found three broken ribs as well, all on her left side. The verdict was pretty clear – she must have fallen while sleepwalking. But even the doctor at the hospital had to agree with me that it was an awful lot of damage for such a simple fall. His reasoning? He said she must have climbed up on the kitchen counter and jumped off.
Liam had so many questions. I didn’t know what to tell him, so I told him the lie we’d been telling ourselves for the last half a year. “Your mom’s been sleepwalking a lot lately,” I told him. “Don’t worry, we’ve got it under control,” I told him.
I didn’t look at the photos until after he’d gone back for the winter semester. I didn’t want to look at them, even then. I was scared to.
There were twenty pictures taken that night. Three of Karen walking in the room and getting into bed. Two of me and Karen rolling over. Twelve of Liam and I in the bedroom until we ran out. There were three pictures from before I woke up that scared the living hell out of me, and those are why I told Karen about the trail cam.
The first picture showed me and Karen lying side by side in bed, blankets up to our chins, peacefully sleeping. The next showed us in the exact same positions, me on my right side, Karen on her left, but she appeared to be floating about a foot above the bed. In the next picture, she was gone. I realized then what I had been too unnerved to notice at the time of the incident – the place we found Karen in the kitchen is directly below our bed upstairs.
She wasn’t happy when I told her I’d been spying on us for months. Karen doesn’t get mad often, but when she does it’s not something you want to be around for. Finally, though, I convinced her to look at the pictures. She cried for hours, and I with her.
We took no chances after that. From that day on Karen and I slept in shifts, each staying awake to watch the other. That was our promise to one another. I’m not sure I ever really slept, though. I was too afraid Karen would fall asleep as well, and then without me watching, it would happen again. I had a fear that I refused to voice to Karen, that I was too afraid to even think to myself about for more than a moment. Karen had somehow fallen through a whole story of our house and broken a few bones. We also had a basement below that level. If the fall to the kitchen floor ten feet below had broken her arm, what would a twenty-foot fall do? The basement floor was solid, unfinished concrete. Even now, after all that’s happened, I can’t think about that.
We kept it up, sleeping in turns. I would watch Karen for the first four hours, and then she would watch me. We lived like that for eight months. Constantly tired, constantly afraid. We stopped going out, stopped talking to people. I don’t know how many times I damn near fell off the edge of somebody’s roof from exhaustion. I don’t know how Karen kept it up. She was always the stronger one. We promised to one another that we’d get through it, that this thing wouldn’t destroy us. God, what I wouldn’t give to go back and change things. But it’s too late for that. I failed her. It’s all my fault.
It was almost two thirty in the morning. There were only about five minutes left before the alarm would go off and we’d switch places. Karen would get up and I’d lie down. It was warm. It was quiet. She was lying on her left side, like she always did, breathing softly. I remember thinking that, from my angle, it looked like she was smiling. My back was aching, and I leaned back against the headboard for just a moment to rest it. I closed my eyes and let myself relax for the first time in a long time.
Karen’s alarm woke me, and she wasn’t there. This time, I couldn’t hear her screaming. I called out to her, but she didn’t answer.
She wasn’t under the bed, and she wasn’t downstairs in the kitchen. I ran all through the house, screaming, yelling out to her, praying that I’d turn a corner and there she’d be, just coming back from getting a glass of water or using the bathroom. She wasn’t anywhere in the first or second story of the house, and that left only one place to look.
I opened the basement door, and went down. Karen wasn’t there, either.
For a few seconds, I felt relief. Just a few seconds. After that, I fell to the floor and lost myself. I lay on that cold, concrete floor in tears. All the exhaustion and emotion that had built up in me over those eight long months just took over, and I couldn’t get up. In my hysteria I imagined her down there somewhere under the ground, still screaming and shaking in fear from her falling nightmare. A few times I even thought I could hear her. The next morning the clinic called the house asking about Karen. “She’s gone,” I told them, “I lost her.” I don’t know how long I spent walking around in the house, calling out her name before I finally decided what needed to be done. I went out to the shed, the sunlight blinding me, and grabbed the sledgehammer and pickaxe.
The cops came to the house. The sheriff and deputy both came to check things out after Karen hadn’t shown up for work and I suppose what I told the receptionist must have given them a bit of a scare. They asked me what I was doing all covered in dirt and dust and I told them just what I was doing. “Looking for Karen,” I told them. Now, I get it. They thought I killed her. That’s why they asked to come in. That’s why they wanted me to show them around the house.
I showed them every room, every corner, every closet. I showed them the pictures from the trail cam. I took them to the basement and showed them my work. It had taken me nearly the entire day to break through the concrete and get it cleared away. By the time they showed up, I’d dug down about two feet into the soil. It’s really rocky here, so it takes a long time to make any progress. I asked them If they would help me out for a while. Sheriff agreed to help me while deputy went to make a phone call. After a while he came back too. For a bit they just watched me dig, but then they joined in too.
I don’t know what they expected, but whatever it was, they didn’t get it. They asked me a few times where Karen was, and I told them I didn’t know. How could I possibly explain it to them? How could they ever understand?
It broke my heart when Liam showed up at the house. Deputy had called him. He’d left the city as soon as he could, and made the drive home in three hours. He asked me what was going on, and how could I lie to him again? How could I look my boy in the eye and tell him everything was okay? Everything came out. I told him about how the nightmares his mother had been having had gotten worse, and about how she kept falling and falling. At first, I know he thought I was crazy, but now I’m not so sure. He was there that night she broke her arm. He knows that whatever’s happening to us is not normal. Even the cops haven’t accused me of madness yet.
He asked me for a shovel, and started digging as well. That was yesterday. After a while, the cops left. I asked them If they’d come back to help again in the morning, and they did. Now that there’re four of us, the work is going much quicker. The cops keep asking me where Karen is, and I keep telling them she has to be down there somewhere. It’s not the answer they’re looking for, but it’s the best I have.
At noon today, the deputy himself stopped digging and held up a hand for us to listen. I don’t know what it is, but we can hear sounds coming from below. Somewhere deeper down, something is making noise. If you hold still with your hand to the ground, you can feel the rocks shaking from time to time. We kept digging. At the time, the hole was about seven feet deep, so we set up a ladder to help with climbing in and out for breaks.
At six o’clock we turned over a rock the size of the kitchen table, and lying underneath it, as shiny and clean as the day I bought it, was Karen’s engagement ring. We kept digging. The ground is different down there. The earth is darker. Metallic, almost. The noises are getting louder. Sometimes, they sound like voices.
It must have been just before ten when they told me to come upstairs and lie down. I didn’t want to, I wanted to keep helping, but Liam made me promise. I won’t go breaking promises to my family again. I won’t.
I need to get back to digging soon. It’s been a few hours, and I think I can hear the sheriff shouting from downstairs. Maybe they’ve found something else. Maybe she’s still alive. Maybe.
submitted by MelonMan226 to u/MelonMan226 [link] [comments]


2018.01.18 15:51 dndspeak Boys shower spy cam

Created by the d100 sub. Thanks for everyone's contribution!
Die Roll Result
1 Ethel - A Sea Hag that was caught breaking into a home, now disguised as a beautiful woman and awaiting trial. She is unable to use magic due to the nature of the cell.
2 Jojo - A skinny teenage human boy with greasy jet black hair. He's been here a few times (mostly for stealing. once for defecating on doorstep of the jailhouse), but today he smashed the wheels on 2 merchant carts with a stolen blacksmith hammer.
3 Tsaliya de Chaim - eternally grimacing female gorgon with a statue for a cellmate. Takes no shit from anyone.
4 A male kenku who has plucked nearly all of his reachable feathers, constantly repeating haunting chants in different voices and otherworldly noises. Madness dances in his paranoid, bloodshot eyes.
5 Derek Creighton - human rogue, able to escape from any cell. All of his limbs are pinned through the bone by metal cylinders connected to full-body restraints, topped off by a gem radiating an antimagic aura. He shrugs off the pain with a cocky attitude and an assurance that the only reason he's still there is that he wants to be.
6 Ciara Ashling - A heavily attitudinal female tiefling, arrested for arson. Constantly demands to see her lawyer, and will always inform that her dual citizenship in the nine hells makes her immune to punishment this way. Said lawyer is a demon made up of mostly flame, whose method of legal defense is incineration of accusers.
7 Richard Mason - a once strong human man with an obviously broken spirit. Arrested for the murder of his child's supposed killer, a constant illusion of his deceased daughter follows Richard and is visible to all. Though this apparition is intangible, it constantly and silently pleads for it fathers' love and care.
8 (Name: the sound of his cell locking) - A male kenku who paces his cell nonstop, repeating such lines as "you'll have to take the fall for this one" and "who would ever believe you?" In the local commander's voice.
9 Remina Aedriel - an elven woman of indiscrimanite age, who spends her time caring for the injured and sick of the prison when the guards and medical staff fail to care for them. Is defended by the other prisoners for harm and often asked for advice.
10 Steve - a half-orc built like a tank, steve is convinced that he's actually a human, is from some place called "Ohio", and reportedly remembers nothing of slaughtering and burning the local tavern before his arrest.
11 Dhalbrur the Beholder - In jail for killing livestock and crops of a town. All eyes have been covered to prevent escape.
12 Diamen Stoneton - Stole a piece of bread and a glass of ale from a tavern in the middle of the night.
13 Regularguy McRealperson - A mimic that tried to sneak into a town to hunt disguised as a human, but couldn’t think of a good name.
14 Clark Bent - derranged drunk with a backwards 'S' tattooed on his chest. Is gagged and chained to the wall. If released he will occasionally jump in the air trying to fly. He insists that he is a 'super man, once you get to know him.' Guards will inform you he is a drunk who forgot how to cast fly and went mad as it was his favourite thing to do.
15 Gordon Bouzaglo - A pasta cart owner arrested for feeding food inspectors fried beef tapeworms in retaliation for receiving multiple unsanitary food prep citations.
16 Valerie 'Val' Ratigat - Wererat drug dealer to society's elite. She is nonchalant about being imprisoned; her uncle is a big cheese in town and will spring her soon. The guards don't seem to mind that her family butler brought a 3 course meal complete with wine service to her cell. Entertain her and she might slip you a fork to pick your lock with.
17 A collection of 11 drunks - The guards often toss all the wandering drunkards they find into a single cell so they can sober up. Most of them are sleeping or too hung over to make talk. Their cell reeks of vomit and piss.
18 Gray Shido - Skinny man with a nice mustache who runs an illegal gambling parlor that doesn't pay taxes. The head of guard patrol in Shido's territory changed recently and wanted more bribe than Shido was willing to pay. Incidentally, the new head of patrol was just found dead, head run over by a wagon wheel after tragically tripping in the street. Complete accident. 10 witnesses corroborating.
19 Linda Lockhands - Proprietor of a clock, lock, and fine smithing shop which is allegedly a front store for a notorious thieves guild operation. The guards arrested her on trumped up charges hoping to inspect her shop, but they found nothing. Linda knows more than a high-council of archwizards about rare and unusual arcane items, legal or otherwise.
20 Moaner - Someone wrapped up under a blanket lying on the floor so they aren't visible at all. They are writhing and moaning like they are having a severe bellyache or some other medical issue. The other nearby cells want this person to shut up.
21 Blunty Candor - Had an argument in the street and beat her husband with a frying pan. A jailtime frequent flier for domestic violence, but the magistrates keep letting Mrs. Candor out because she always has a young child to take care of.
22 Honey Rosewater - Prostitute. Honey was arrested after soliciting in several stores and restaurants and then refusing the leave. She is addicted to something and having withdrawal shakes. The guards are avoiding her because she lunges at them trying to scratch their faces open.
23 Fizzy Bottles - a crazy goblin who swears up and down that there's an oncoming undead blight and he's the only one who can stop it. Though, in reality, he's planning to start an undead blight.
24 Grey - A mysterious and highly intelligent fiend who claims to have come from the stars. He's actually just a f**king alien from space, but no one believes him.
25 Father Dorian - A high-ranking priest of Pelor (or another lawful good deity) who had a mental break and absconded in the middle of the night with a sack full of expensive and significant religious iconography. He sold off the goods to the highest bidder and used the money to fund a thieves guild in the next town over, until being lured back to town and taken in on a sting operation.
26 "Windy" - A solitudinous wood elf druid taken in on tax evasion during a misguided shift in taxation policy several hundred years ago. Laws returned to normal, but Windy remained imprisoned due to an oversight. Once it was realized that she was innocent, she had grown too acclimated to a cell, and too afraid of the nature spirits' reaction to her absence, to want to leave. Occasionally subdues the warden's guard dog, wildshapes into him, and follows the warden on his rounds.
27 Donall - A Druid war criminal who tried to use a scroll of storm of vengeance to destroy the town or city that he is currently imprisoned in.
28 The Twins - An experiment gone wrong. The Twins is/are an experiment done by an insane Warlock who was eventually hunted down and slain by a group of lawful Paladins. They have the body of a muscular orc male and two heads sewn ontop. The heads are of a beautiful human male prince with flowing blonde hair, ice blue eyes and a braided beard full of jewels. The other head is that of a re-animated skeleton who constantly makes jokes about their situation.
29 Edwyn - male human wizard imprisoned for drunkenly burning down the mayor's house with a fireball.
30 Red Rose - female tabaxi rogue caught smuggling drugs.
31 Smith - actually a green dragon disguised as a human, he wanted to get caught so he could surprise attack the city from within.
32 Julian - A human warlock who is in a set of thumb screws surrounded by a circle of salt.
33 Iddel & Biddel - Twin gnomes that were caught stealing from the Gatehouse. They used the classic 'on the shoulders trench coat' trick, and tripped.
34 Barnabas - a young man, the nephew of the head jailer. Barnabas is a bit of a youthful troublemaker. His father became concerned that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd, so he asked his sibling, the jailer, to lock Barnabas up for the night to teach him a lesson. (It isn't working.)
35 Inigo - A catfolk fighter who prefers long bows and one handed weapons as they leave a hand free to make rude gestures. Is convinced they failed to kill an adventurer on a previous job so they can take the reward alone.
36 Amity - a half-dwarven teenager with red hair and at least twelve brown mice up her sleeves. She was arrested for liberating the local pet store, but camly explains that her badger friends will dig her out shortly.
37 Enola - An Aasimar wearing symbols of Lathander. She was visiting a prisoner and the door shut.
38 Rhett - A human thief who has a really annoying cough. A successful medicine check reveals he has Rattle Lung, which is both contagious and serious. A lot of prisoners may die if this man doesn't receive treatment soon.
39 Heretic - A nameless heretic babbling about the Great Ones and their knowledge. Roll a D100 and add your Insight, on a 100 or higher gain a Level in the Great Old One Warlock, on a 40 or less take 10 points of psychic damage, on a 10 or less lose a point in wisdom, on a 1 or less get warped to another random dimension.
40 Kyre - He is a friendly face at the prison, doing kind acts for many. Roll a Perception check (Success is 18 or higher), on a success you realize he is actually a being from another plane but he is not hostile or mal-intended, on a critical success you realize he is here to observe various humans in an effort to become one (possible quest opportunity), on a failure you see that he seems to be eyeing you, and on a critical failure you discover absolutely nothing and instead take a bowl of soup from him.
41 Mysterious Stranger - You meet a face in your cell you've never seen, and he has markings on his face indicating he hails from a foreign land. Roll a wisdom check (success 15 or higher) on a success you realize he was hired by someone to get arrested and assassinate you in your cell, on a critical success you discover who hired him, on a failure you see he is a bit suspicious, and on a critical failure you think he is trying to make a deal with you to break out of the prison.
42 Veli - A human arrested for sacrificing people to train necromantic magic on them, in a desperate attempt to revive his sister, who died in an accident.
43 Antiope - An elf woman who insulted the queen in a royal party.
44 Edwin - A halfling who became an acoholic after losing most of his friends and family in a fire he caused on accident. Caught stealing drinks from a tavern, and investigation showed he was stealing from a lot more. Now, he suffers with abstinence and depression.
45 Purnama - Put into solitary. A tiefling attorney, accused of licanthropy. His cell has extra thick bars, and he's chained to the floor. He's been in the prison for years, and not once turned into a wererwolf.
46 Erkan - Put into solitary confinement. A seemingly normal dwarf, who doesn't seem to be dangerous in any way. Arrested for rampaging into a corporate building and murdering dozens of employers and employees, after the company scammed his life savings out of him.
47 "Twitch" - a female halfling who has an affinity for causing trouble. Filled to the brim with energy (hence the nickname), she was arrested for Grand Theft Auto, Property Destruction and Public Disturbances; or as she puts it "STEALIN A FANCY LOOKIN WAGON AND CRASHING IT INTO THAT THERE PUB THAT TRIED TO BAN ME"
48 Alek Windsailor - a male half elf monk, alek is a mute who communicates very rarely with basic gestures and facial expressions. Despite his quite and nonviolent demeanour, the other prisoners seem somewhat afraid of him. His exact crimes are unknown
49 Jamie Rincewind - a human wizard who was arrested for selling fake potions to adventurers. Small and skinny, Jamie had never been in trouble before and is completely out of his depth.
50 Abbé Farria - an elderly human male that may give a PC a 7 day +1 to Charisma and\or a map side quest to retrieve a treasure on an island with enough to buy a mansion.
51 Ottis - a dwarven town drunk...he has his own keys to the prison and lets himself in when he's had too much.
52 Johann the Axehand - An old monk and perennial maker of drunken mischief. Holds the record for the most times brought in without a struggle; the constables only have to ask politely. Most recently incarcerated for attempting to chop a tavern bar in half without seeking the consent of the tavern owner first. Reports are mixed on the status of the bar.
53 James Sattler - A traveling merchant detained by the authorities because his tax paperwork was out of order. He's confident that everything will be cleared up before anyone figures out that James Sattler is dead in a ditch 10 miles outside of the city, and the man in prison is a doppleganger assassin wearing his face. If not, he'll just have to borrow a guard...
54 Old Herthal - An elderly prisoner who has been in this jail so long even he's not sure what he did to get in. His mind cracked long ago, and now he doesn't talk about much besides the birds he sees through his window.
55 Granite - A stunted Goliath that still tends a solid 5'10". It's said he didn't appreciate being called "shorty" and shoved his fist through a man's head in a tavern.
56 Saleetha - A beautiful but deadly Yuan-Ti. Some thought her abilities were magical, however, her trade is in making potions and poisons. She would have got away with it too if the guard hadn't found her laboratory dungeon.
57 Ferear Silverriver - This young female Halfling is set to be the next head of the vast Silverriver family. The Silverriver caravans are known for their massive appeal as illusionists, acrobats, and thieves.
58 Garazar - a half orc barbarian. He had a few too many drinks at the tavern a couple weeks ago. After getting into a tussle, no one was seriously injured, but there was a lot of property damage. He spends his nights in the jail while he works to pay off his debt (chopping wood or breaking rocks during the day). He offers his services as mercenary for any adventurer willing to pay off his debt.
59 Devrim Kotos - Steely-eyed human rogue that makes the guards nervous. His crime? "Littering."
60 Arndamidore - ancient gold dragon that is polymorphed as a human. Commited a petty crime and is in jail out of curiosity. He could leave at any time if he wanted to.
61 Barley - A Kenku rogue in prison for stealing kegs of barley seed. He constantly repeats the phrase 'Hey, get outta that barley!" and thus, gained the name.
62 Emerald - A Tiefling warlock, kept in solitary confinement with her hands cuffed to her feet, and her mouth gagged shut, to stop her from reciting any occult incantations. Imprisoned for the murder and sacrifice of three women in town.
63 Muriel - Imprisoned under reasons of insanity, this old Human woman was found talking with her dog as though it could speak.
64 Nightvale Bloodrayne, slayer of men - He didn't commit any crimes, but the authorities saw his name, and decided to arrest him prematurely.
65 Noodles - A Dragonborn monk, thrown in prison after being falsely (or so he claims) accused of killing a nobleman's dog.
66 The Archangel Murderer - a man who calms that he is the prophesied demon lord, Magroxaz. The man was arrested for the mass murders of a local religious group called the Slexato.
67 Beatrix Crimson - a beautifully dressed female who appears to be of noble birth. She was arrested due to her position and relation to Ivran Videric, the leader of the Viderians who terrorize travelers, and control towns and villages through imitation and violence.
68 Lowborn Vermin - an ex-slave who killed his former master and escaped the officials in that town.
69 Hazel Vexx - an old woman who was accused of practicing witchcraft on her grandchildren. Sense the arrest, no one has seen or heard from the children.
70 Samuel Lock - a young human boy, no older than 12. The boy was accused of willing accepting a vampire bite in order to spread a race of vampire spawn through the area.
71 Patience - A human woman who murdered her five children claiming that they were being controlled by a powerful lich. She was hung for her crimes and is now a revenant
72 "Rover" - a shapeshifter imprisoned for spying on a noble by impersonating his dog and then faking his own death to escape, creating confusion by pinning the death on a passing dragonborn monk.
73 Jandar - A half elf imprisoned for breaking into the restricted section of the royal library. He is telepathic.
74 Kinly - a half elf arrested for breaking into people’s houses and breaking there pottery/stealing their gold and gems.
75 The ‘Chosen One’ - a man/women claiming they are a prophetic hero, arrested for blasphemy against the church.
76 Grenn Of Greenvale - an orphan that was sent to prison after years of getting into mischief, the guards have become fond of the little guy and while he’s in jail he’s let out frequently to assist guards with their duties.
77 Goldie Gilson - a human ranger with blue eyes and golden hair. She and her companions had attacked a caravan heading to the next town. Little did they know it was not a normal group of traders. The guards were much stronger than expected and there were more of them in the carts. Outnumbered and overpowered, a few of her companions fled and a couple were defeated. She was the only one captured and she’s been waiting until her surviving companions are able to break her out.
78 Durk Falo - Halfling smuggler caught trying to move several poisons and stolen goods through town. Currently trying to figure out where he hid his vial of acid.
79 Malchior - Elf paladin imprisoned for burning down a local druid's shrine. Mutters about 'heretics' and is currently planning to get out of prison by waiting them out.
80 Jerry/Ancinius, Fell Lord of Carnage - Local drunk who has been possessed by a demonic spirit for the past 5 years, and alternate who has control over Jerry's body and actions. Jerry doesn't seem to mind, and Ancinius has given up trying to wreak any havoc besides occasionally puking on people's shoes.
81 Shakra - A stinky troglodyte sitting in his cell, he was found stealing a pig to sacrifice to his god. The guards were going to kill him, but the Troglodyte's rights movement want him to the rightful trial and punishment. He looks quite calm, maybe even very cooperative for one of his kind, but the rest of the inmate can no longer stand his stench.
82 Efnir Songbear - A famous skald, imprisoned for having mispronounced the name of the (very touchy) regent due to his (northern) accent.
83 "I choose not to divulge my name" - A hooded runaway caught by guards to be returned to their family. Doesn't-give-name shows clear signs of noble lineage and a delicate, well-cultured upbringing, but they have clearly been slumming it for some time. Scars suggest a combination of magic and martial skill taught by a proper private tutor which has been refined on the street.
84 Lady Verzui Moccio - A wizard researcher of oozes. She deacidified and dumped numerous leftover scraps from her experiments down drains to dispose of them. The remnants grew and eventually choked the city sewers. A combination of ooze blockage and ooze flatulence caused a massive sewer-gas explosion that flattened a row of warehouses and showered raw sewage and tiny cubelets over an entire district.
85 Soas Stagflame - Elven horse thief on death row. She was branded for stealing a horse 80 years ago. Before she was transferred to a more secure jail, she was nearly lynched by a mob of angry farmers who have been hit repeatedly by gangs of livestock raiders. Soas insists she has nothing to do with them and never stole horses for profit, merely to speed her travels.
86 Ashflo Tickentai - An accountant who made a series of bad investments. Not wanting to reveal the dire state of the family finances to her husband, she began embezzling from her exchange and taking bribes from the institutions she audited. She was eventually caught during a truth spell interrogation by a sorcerous financial investigators' service.
87 Kanya Gemibi - A teen in tatters with scraggly teeth and a bad eye. She was thrown in jail for not being able to make payments on the usurious debts her mother and father accumulated before dropping dead of a waterborne plague. Kanya is afraid and silently crying. She has some skill in cobbling.
88 Clarie and Taellora - A wife-wife team of dashing thieves who targeted rich nobles, bankers, merchants, and their carriages. They are skilled rangers and expert duelists famous for wearing gaudy finery during their heists. While their primary motive is enriching themselves, they occasionally donate to charities benefitting poor communities. Clarie and Taellora are locally infamous folk heroes and government officials fear a riot if they are sentenced to death.
89 Shrieker - This pale wailing woman with long tangled black hair in a white nightgown is utterly mad. When she isn't doing her best banshee impersonation, she calls out to family who aren't present and argues with figments of her mind. Although she is aware of her surroundings, she doesn't seem to see anyone and people trying to speak with her might as well be be conversing with a wall. She starts up again if someone opens a door, moves a large object, or places or removes anything in her cell.
90 Brother Stalwart and Cowslip - A red tunic cleric of a church symbolized by hammers is sharing a cell with a shirtless, kilted druid wearing footwrappings. They are loudly arguing with one another about ecological conservation, city living, and the march of technological progress. Stalwart and Cowslip were uninvited guests arrested for stealing from a mansion during a crowded and well-guarded party, but they had none of the stolen items on them. Both maintain that a ghost-like thief must be the culprit.
91 Lord Ashe'er Trillindel - An Elf sits in a cell wearing tattered robes. He believes himself to be a king and incessantly blabber about getting his thrown and jewels and talks to the PC with disregard and disgust.
92 Yoslin - A suited gnome gentleman sleeps uncomfortably trying to look more fancy then he really is. He is muttering and saying things about how they got the wrong person, and that such a person of high standards shouldn't be at such dirty rooms. His cell partners don't seem to believe him and take his words as jokes.
93 Urg - A ghoul whom speaks a mystical language that was caught with black market items.
94 Gultai - A large man who begs you for food and escape, if you help him he will give a key. If you talk to the guards to see what he did, the party will learn he ate his family thinking they were food.
95 Johuts - A centaur with orc like features sits in a cell, it's front left leg clearly broken. The guards don't care at all, yet he presses on living. The only thing keeping him going is a grudge. A family member once pinned a crime on him, then broke said leg while he tried to pursue.
96 Brullgush - A shaved bald Dwarf. He is covered head to toe in battle scars and tattoos. Claims he was once part of the Royal guard but saw too much and refuses to go into more detail about it.
97 Trep - A warforged who hands you a small figurine of yourself as you walk up to him. You've never seen him before and records show that he's been in jail for some time.
98 Uu'rung Battleboar - This massive orc has a plan for escaping. Over the past several weeks, he has traded enough contraband to get together all the items he needs to open a portal to somewhere. He doesn't know where, but anywhere is better than prison, right?
99 The Not-So-Silent Assassin - An assassin who stepped on something sharp and let out a yelp of pain in the middle of an assassination attempt. This nickname was given to him by the other prisoners, who find it hilarious.
100 The Lantern Killer - A serial killer who kept a burning lantern next to his victims so the guards would find their bodies on the street in the early morning. He was apprehended by a group of adventurers and would do anything to be free. His execution is tomorrow.
Special thanks to u/Awfulmonk, u/Woopdeedo, u/RikoDabes, u/buddychrist627, u/Harlequin803, u/CountofAccount, u/A_Heckin_Goblin, u/aubades, u/Patergia, u/eddieswiss, u/Antiochus_Sidetes, u/Hwga_lurker_tw, u/ergonomicsalamander, u/TheSiegeEngine, u/Montybeth, u/twelfth_knight, u/The-Coopsta, u/Gabrielckc, u/Skellzy147, u/Hwga_lurker_tw, u/Vote_for_Knife_Party, u/Skele11, u/ken_NT, u/VoxDraconae, u/SKI_11, u/ooglethorpe, u/dndspeak, u/OptimumTurner, u/Happy_Pumpkin, u/StingerAE, u/Silverdragon701, u/ken_NT, u/AwfulMonk
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2018.01.09 01:18 dndspeak Boys shower spy cam

Welcome to the 30th [Lets Build]!
TOPIC: Prisoners in Jail Cells
Die Roll Result
1 Ethel - A Sea Hag that was caught breaking into a home, now disguised as a beautiful woman and awaiting trial. She is unable to use magic due to the nature of the cell.
2 Jojo - A skinny teenage human boy with greasy jet black hair. He's been here a few times (mostly for stealing. once for defecating on doorstep of the jailhouse), but today he smashed the wheels on 2 merchant carts with a stolen blacksmith hammer.
3 Tsaliya de Chaim - eternally grimacing female gorgon with a statue for a cellmate. Takes no shit from anyone.
4 A male kenku who has plucked nearly all of his reachable feathers, constantly repeating haunting chants in different voices and otherworldly noises. Madness dances in his paranoid, bloodshot eyes.
5 Derek Creighton - human rogue, able to escape from any cell. All of his limbs are pinned through the bone by metal cylinders connected to full-body restraints, topped off by a gem radiating an antimagic aura. He shrugs off the pain with a cocky attitude and an assurance that the only reason he's still there is that he wants to be.
6 Ciara Ashling - A heavily attitudinal female tiefling, arrested for arson. Constantly demands to see her lawyer, and will always inform that her dual citizenship in the nine hells makes her immune to punishment this way. Said lawyer is a demon made up of mostly flame, whose method of legal defense is incineration of accusers.
7 Richard Mason - a once strong human man with an obviously broken spirit. Arrested for the murder of his child's supposed killer, a constant illusion of his deceased daughter follows Richard and is visible to all. Though this apparition is intangible, it constantly and silently pleads for it fathers' love and care.
8 (Name: the sound of his cell locking) - A male kenku who paces his cell nonstop, repeating such lines as "you'll have to take the fall for this one" and "who would ever believe you?" In the local commander's voice.
9 Remina Aedriel - an elven woman of indiscrimanite age, who spends her time caring for the injured and sick of the prison when the guards and medical staff fail to care for them. Is defended by the other prisoners for harm and often asked for advice.
10 Steve - a half-orc built like a tank, steve is convinced that he's actually a human, is from some place called "Ohio", and reportedly remembers nothing of slaughtering and burning the local tavern before his arrest.
11 Dhalbrur the Beholder - In jail for killing livestock and crops of a town. All eyes have been covered to prevent escape.
12 Diamen Stoneton - Stole a piece of bread and a glass of ale from a tavern in the middle of the night.
13 Regularguy McRealperson - A mimic that tried to sneak into a town to hunt disguised as a human, but couldn’t think of a good name.
14 Clark Bent - derranged drunk with a backwards 'S' tattooed on his chest. Is gagged and chained to the wall. If released he will occasionally jump in the air trying to fly. He insists that he is a 'super man, once you get to know him.' Guards will inform you he is a drunk who forgot how to cast fly and went mad as it was his favourite thing to do.
15 Gordon Bouzaglo - A pasta cart owner arrested for feeding food inspectors fried beef tapeworms in retaliation for receiving multiple unsanitary food prep citations.
16 Valerie 'Val' Ratigat - Wererat drug dealer to society's elite. She is nonchalant about being imprisoned; her uncle is a big cheese in town and will spring her soon. The guards don't seem to mind that her family butler brought a 3 course meal complete with wine service to her cell. Entertain her and she might slip you a fork to pick your lock with.
17 A collection of 11 drunks - The guards often toss all the wandering drunkards they find into a single cell so they can sober up. Most of them are sleeping or too hung over to make talk. Their cell reeks of vomit and piss.
18 Gray Shido - Skinny man with a nice mustache who runs an illegal gambling parlor that doesn't pay taxes. The head of guard patrol in Shido's territory changed recently and wanted more bribe than Shido was willing to pay. Incidentally, the new head of patrol was just found dead, head run over by a wagon wheel after tragically tripping in the street. Complete accident. 10 witnesses corroborating.
19 Linda Lockhands - Proprietor of a clock, lock, and fine smithing shop which is allegedly a front store for a notorious thieves guild operation. The guards arrested her on trumped up charges hoping to inspect her shop, but they found nothing. Linda knows more than a high-council of archwizards about rare and unusual arcane items, legal or otherwise.
20 Moaner - Someone wrapped up under a blanket lying on the floor so they aren't visible at all. They are writhing and moaning like they are having a severe bellyache or some other medical issue. The other nearby cells want this person to shut up.
21 Blunty Candor - Had an argument in the street and beat her husband with a frying pan. A jailtime frequent flier for domestic violence, but the magistrates keep letting Mrs. Candor out because she always has a young child to take care of.
22 Honey Rosewater - Prostitute. Honey was arrested after soliciting in several stores and restaurants and then refusing the leave. She is addicted to something and having withdrawal shakes. The guards are avoiding her because she lunges at them trying to scratch their faces open.
23 Fizzy Bottles - a crazy goblin who swears up and down that there's an oncoming undead blight and he's the only one who can stop it. Though, in reality, he's planning to start an undead blight.
24 Grey - A mysterious and highly intelligent fiend who claims to have come from the stars. He's actually just a f**king alien from space, but no one believes him.
25 Father Dorian - A high-ranking priest of Pelor (or another lawful good deity) who had a mental break and absconded in the middle of the night with a sack full of expensive and significant religious iconography. He sold off the goods to the highest bidder and used the money to fund a thieves guild in the next town over, until being lured back to town and taken in on a sting operation.
26 "Windy" - A solitudinous wood elf druid taken in on tax evasion during a misguided shift in taxation policy several hundred years ago. Laws returned to normal, but Windy remained imprisoned due to an oversight. Once it was realized that she was innocent, she had grown too acclimated to a cell, and too afraid of the nature spirits' reaction to her absence, to want to leave. Occasionally subdues the warden's guard dog, wildshapes into him, and follows the warden on his rounds.
27 Donall - A Druid war criminal who tried to use a scroll of storm of vengeance to destroy the town or city that he is currently imprisoned in.
28 The Twins - An experiment gone wrong. The Twins is/are an experiment done by an insane Warlock who was eventually hunted down and slain by a group of lawful Paladins. They have the body of a muscular orc male and two heads sewn ontop. The heads are of a beautiful human male prince with flowing blonde hair, ice blue eyes and a braided beard full of jewels. The other head is that of a re-animated skeleton who constantly makes jokes about their situation.
29 Edwyn - male human wizard imprisoned for drunkenly burning down the mayor's house with a fireball.
30 Red Rose - female tabaxi rogue caught smuggling drugs.
31 Smith - actually a green dragon disguised as a human, he wanted to get caught so he could surprise attack the city from within.
32 A human warlock named Julian is in a set of thumb screws surrounded by a circle of salt.
33 Twin gnomes Iddel & Biddel that were caught stealing from the Gatehouse.
34 Barnabas - a young man, the nephew of the head jailer. Barnabas is a bit of a youthful troublemaker. His father became concerned that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd, so he asked his sibling, the jailer, to lock Barnabas up for the night to teach him a lesson. (It isn't working.)
35 Inigo - A catfolk fighter who prefers long bows and one handed weapons as they leave a hand free to make rude gestures. Is convinced they failed to kill an adventurer on a previous job so they can take the reward alone.
36 Amity - a half-dwarven teenager with red hair and at least twelve brown mice up her sleeves. She was arrested for liberating the local pet store, but camly explains that her badger friends will dig her out shortly.
37 Enola - An Aasimar wearing symbols of Lathander. She was visiting a prisoner and the door shut.
38 Rhett - A human thief who has a really annoying cough. A successful medicine check reveals he has Rattle Lung, which is both contagious and serious. A lot of prisoners may die if this man doesn't receive treatment soon.
39 Heretic - A nameless heretic babbling about the Great Ones and their knowledge. Roll a D100 and add your Insight, on a 100 or higher gain a Level in the Great Old One Warlock, on a 40 or less take 10 points of psychic damage, on a 10 or less lose a point in wisdom, on a 1 or less get warped to another random dimension.
40 Kyre - He is a friendly face at the prison, doing kind acts for many. Roll a Perception check (Success is 18 or higher), on a success you realize he is actually a being from another plane but he is not hostile or mal-intended, on a critical success you realize he is here to observe various humans in an effort to become one (possible quest opportunity), on a failure you see that he seems to be eyeing you, and on a critical failure you discover absolutely nothing and instead take a bowl of soup from him.
41 Mysterious Stranger - You meet a face in your cell you've never seen, and he has markings on his face indicating he hails from a foreign land. Roll a wisdom check (success 15 or higher) on a success you realize he was hired by someone to get arrested and assassinate you in your cell, on a critical success you discover who hired him, on a failure you see he is a bit suspicious, and on a critical failure you think he is trying to make a deal with you to break out of the prison.
42 Veli - A human arrested for sacrificing people to train necromantic magic on them, in a desperate attempt to revive his sister, who died in an accident.
43 Antiope - An elf woman who insulted the queen in a royal party.
44 Edwin - A halfling who became an acoholic after losing most of his friends and family in a fire he caused on accident. Caught stealing drinks from a tavern, and investigation showed he was stealing from a lot more. Now, he suffers with abstinence and depression.
45 Purnama - Put into solitary. A tiefling attorney, accused of licanthropy. His cell has extra thick bars, and he's chained to the floor. He's been in the prison for years, and not once turned into a wererwolf.
46 Erkan - Put into solitary confinement. A seemingly normal dwarf, who doesn't seem to be dangerous in any way. Arrested for rampaging into a corporate building and murdering dozens of employers and employees, after the company scammed his life savings out of him.
47 "Twitch" - a female halfling who has an affinity for causing trouble. Filled to the brim with energy (hence the nickname), she was arrested for Grand Theft Auto, Property Destruction and Public Disturbances; or as she puts it "STEALIN A FANCY LOOKIN WAGON AND CRASHING IT INTO THAT THERE PUB THAT TRIED TO BAN ME"
48 Alek Windsailor - a male half elf monk, alek is a mute who communicates very rarely with basic gestures and facial expressions. Despite his quite and nonviolent demeanour, the other prisoners seem somewhat afraid of him. His exact crimes are unknown
49 Jamie Rincewind - a human wizard who was arrested for selling fake potions to adventurers. Small and skinny, Jamie had never been in trouble before and is completely out of his depth.
50 Abbé Farria - an elderly human male that may give a PC a 7 day +1 to Charisma and\or a map side quest to retrieve a treasure on an island with enough to buy a mansion.
51 Ottis - a dwarven town drunk...he has his own keys to the prison and lets himself in when he's had too much.
52 Johann the Axehand - An old monk and perennial maker of drunken mischief. Holds the record for the most times brought in without a struggle; the constables only have to ask politely. Most recently incarcerated for attempting to chop a tavern bar in half without seeking the consent of the tavern owner first. Reports are mixed on the status of the bar.
53 James Sattler - A traveling merchant detained by the authorities because his tax paperwork was out of order. He's confident that everything will be cleared up before anyone figures out that James Sattler is dead in a ditch 10 miles outside of the city, and the man in prison is a doppleganger assassin wearing his face. If not, he'll just have to borrow a guard...
54 Old Herthal - An elderly prisoner who has been in this jail so long even he's not sure what he did to get in. His mind cracked long ago, and now he doesn't talk about much besides the birds he sees through his window.
55 Granite - A stunted Goliath that still tends a solid 5'10". It's said he didn't appreciate being called "shorty" and shoved his fist through a man's head in a tavern.
56 Saleetha - A beautiful but deadly Yuan-Ti. Some thought her abilities were magical, however, her trade is in making potions and poisons. She would have got away with it too if the guard hadn't found her laboratory dungeon.
57 Ferear Silverriver - This young female Halfling is set to be the next head of the vast Silverriver family. The Silverriver caravans are known for their massive appeal as illusionists, acrobats, and thieves.
58 Garazar - a half orc barbarian. He had a few too many drinks at the tavern a couple weeks ago. After getting into a tussle, no one was seriously injured, but there was a lot of property damage. He spends his nights in the jail while he works to pay off his debt (chopping wood or breaking rocks during the day). He offers his services as mercenary for any adventurer willing to pay off his debt.
59 Devrim Kotos - Steely-eyed human rogue that makes the guards nervous. His crime? "Littering."
60 Arndamidore - ancient gold dragon that is polymorphed as a human. Commited a petty crime and is in jail out of curiosity. He could leave at any time if he wanted to.
61 Barley - A Kenku rogue in prison for stealing kegs of barley seed. He constantly repeats the phrase 'Hey, get outta that barley!" and thus, gained the name.
62 Emerald - A Tiefling warlock, kept in solitary confinement with her hands cuffed to her feet, and her mouth gagged shut, to stop her from reciting any occult incantations. Imprisoned for the murder and sacrifice of three women in town.
63 Muriel - Imprisoned under reasons of insanity, this old Human woman was found talking with her dog as though it could speak.
64 Nightvale Bloodrayne, slayer of men - He didn't commit any crimes, but the authorities saw his name, and decided to arrest him prematurely.
65 Noodles - A Dragonborn monk, thrown in prison after being falsely (or so he claims) accused of killing a nobleman's dog.
66 The Archangel Murderer - a man who calms that he is the prophesied demon lord, Magroxaz. The man was arrested for the mass murders of a local religious group called the Slexato.
67 Beatrix Crimson - a beautifully dressed female who appears to be of noble birth. She was arrested due to her position and relation to Ivran Videric, the leader of the Viderians who terrorize travelers, and control towns and villages through imitation and violence.
68 Lowborn Vermin - an ex-slave who killed his former master and escaped the officials in that town.
69 Hazel Vexx - an old woman who was accused of practicing witchcraft on her grandchildren. Sense the arrest, no one has seen or heard from the children.
70 Samuel Lock - a young human boy, no older than 12. The boy was accused of willing accepting a vampire bite in order to spread a race of vampire spawn through the area.
71 Patience - A human woman who murdered her five children claiming that they were being controlled by a powerful lich. She was hung for her crimes and is now a revenant
72 "Rover" - a shapeshifter imprisoned for spying on a noble by impersonating his dog and then faking his own death to escape, creating confusion by pinning the death on a passing dragonborn monk.
73 Jandar - A half elf imprisoned for breaking into the restricted section of the royal library. He is telepathic.
74 Kinly - a half elf arrested for breaking into people’s houses and breaking there pottery/stealing their gold and gems.
75 The ‘Chosen One’ - a man/women claiming they are a prophetic hero, arrested for blasphemy against the church.
76 Grenn Of Greenvale - an orphan that was sent to prison after years of getting into mischief, the guards have become fond of the little guy and while he’s in jail he’s let out frequently to assist guards with their duties.
77 Goldie Gilson - a human ranger with blue eyes and golden hair. She and her companions had attacked a caravan heading to the next town. Little did they know it was not a normal group of traders. The guards were much stronger than expected and there were more of them in the carts. Outnumbered and overpowered, a few of her companions fled and a couple were defeated. She was the only one captured and she’s been waiting until her surviving companions are able to break her out.
78 Durk Falo - Halfling smuggler caught trying to move several poisons and stolen goods through town. Currently trying to figure out where he hid his vial of acid.
79 Malchior - Elf paladin imprisoned for burning down a local druid's shrine. Mutters about 'heretics' and is currently planning to get out of prison by waiting them out.
80 Jerry/Ancinius, Fell Lord of Carnage - Local drunk who has been possessed by a demonic spirit for the past 5 years, and alternate who has control over Jerry's body and actions. Jerry doesn't seem to mind, and Ancinius has given up trying to wreak any havoc besides occasionally puking on people's shoes.
81 Shakra - A stinky troglodyte sitting in his cell, he was found stealing a pig to sacrifice to his god. The guards were going to kill him, but the Troglodyte's rights movement want him to the rightful trial and punishment. He looks quite calm, maybe even very cooperative for one of his kind, but the rest of the inmate can no longer stand his stench.
82 Efnir Songbear - A famous skald, imprisoned for having mispronounced the name of the (very touchy) regent due to his (northern) accent.
83 "I choose not to divulge my name" - A hooded runaway caught by guards to be returned to their family. Doesn't-give-name shows clear signs of noble lineage and a delicate, well-cultured upbringing, but they have clearly been slumming it for some time. Scars suggest a combination of magic and martial skill taught by a proper private tutor which has been refined on the street.
84 Lady Verzui Moccio - A wizard researcher of oozes. She deacidified and dumped numerous leftover scraps from her experiments down drains to dispose of them. The remnants grew and eventually choked the city sewers. A combination of ooze blockage and ooze flatulence caused a massive sewer-gas explosion that flattened a row of warehouses and showered raw sewage and tiny cubelets over an entire district.
85 Soas Stagflame - Elven horse thief on death row. She was branded for stealing a horse 80 years ago. Before she was transferred to a more secure jail, she was nearly lynched by a mob of angry farmers who have been hit repeatedly by gangs of livestock raiders. Soas insists she has nothing to do with them and never stole horses for profit, merely to speed her travels.
86 Ashflo Tickentai - An accountant who made a series of bad investments. Not wanting to reveal the dire state of the family finances to her husband, she began embezzling from her exchange and taking bribes from the institutions she audited. She was eventually caught during a truth spell interrogation by a sorcerous financial investigators' service.
87 Kanya Gemibi - A teen in tatters with scraggly teeth and a bad eye. She was thrown in jail for not being able to make payments on the usurious debts her mother and father accumulated before dropping dead of a waterborne plague. Kanya is afraid and silently crying. She has some skill in cobbling.
88 Clarie and Taellora - A wife-wife team of dashing thieves who targeted rich nobles, bankers, merchants, and their carriages. They are skilled rangers and expert duelists famous for wearing gaudy finery during their heists. While their primary motive is enriching themselves, they occasionally donate to charities benefitting poor communities. Clarie and Taellora are locally infamous folk heroes and government officials fear a riot if they are sentenced to death.
89 Shrieker - This pale wailing woman with long tangled black hair in a white nightgown is utterly mad. When she isn't doing her best banshee impersonation, she calls out to family who aren't present and argues with figments of her mind. Although she is aware of her surroundings, she doesn't seem to see anyone and people trying to speak with her might as well be be conversing with a wall. She starts up again if someone opens a door, moves a large object, or places or removes anything in her cell.
90 Brother Stalwart and Cowslip - A red tunic cleric of a church symbolized by hammers is sharing a cell with a shirtless, kilted druid wearing footwrappings. They are loudly arguing with one another about ecological conservation, city living, and the march of technological progress. Stalwart and Cowslip were uninvited guests arrested for stealing from a mansion during a crowded and well-guarded party, but they had none of the stolen items on them. Both maintain that a ghost-like thief must be the culprit.
91 Lord Ashe'er Trillindel - An Elf sits in a cell wearing tattered robes. He believes himself to be a king and incessantly blabber about getting his thrown and jewels and talks to the PC with disregard and disgust.
92 Yoslin - A suited gnome gentleman sleeps uncomfortably trying to look more fancy then he really is. He is muttering and saying things about how they got the wrong person, and that such a person of high standards shouldn't be at such dirty rooms. His cell partners don't seem to believe him and take his words as jokes.
93 Urg - A ghoul whom speaks a mystical language that was caught with black market items.
94 Gultai - A large man who begs you for food and escape, if you help him he will give a key. If you talk to the guards to see what he did, the party will learn he ate his family thinking they were food.
95 Johuts - A centaur with orc like features sits in a cell, it's front left leg clearly broken. The guards don't care at all, yet he presses on living. The only thing keeping him going is a grudge. A family member once pinned a crime on him, then broke said leg while he tried to pursue.
96 Brullgush - A shaved bald Dwarf. He is covered head to toe in battle scars and tattoos. Claims he was once part of the Royal guard but saw too much and refuses to go into more detail about it.
97 Trep - A warforged who hands you a small figurine of yourself as you walk up to him. You've never seen him before and records show that he's been in jail for some time.
98 Uu'rung Battleboar - This massive orc has a plan for escaping. Over the past several weeks, he has traded enough contraband to get together all the items he needs to open a portal to somewhere. He doesn't know where, but anywhere is better than prison, right?
99 The Not-So-Silent Assassin - An assassin who stepped on something sharp and let out a yelp of pain in the middle of an assassination attempt. This nickname was given to him by the other prisoners, who find it hilarious.
100 The Lantern Killer - A serial killer who kept a burning lantern next to his victims so the guards would find their bodies on the street in the early morning. He was apprehended by a group of adventurers and would do anything to be free. His execution is tomorrow.
Special thanks to u/Awfulmonk, u/Woopdeedo, u/RikoDabes, u/buddychrist627, u/Harlequin803, u/CountofAccount, u/A_Heckin_Goblin, u/aubades, u/Patergia, u/eddieswiss, u/Antiochus_Sidetes, u/Hwga_lurker_tw, u/ergonomicsalamander, u/TheSiegeEngine, u/Montybeth, u/twelfth_knight, u/The-Coopsta, u/Gabrielckc, u/Skellzy147, u/Hwga_lurker_tw, u/Vote_for_Knife_Party, u/Skele11, u/ken_NT, u/VoxDraconae, u/SKI_11, u/ooglethorpe, u/dndspeak, u/OptimumTurner, u/Happy_Pumpkin, u/StingerAE, u/Silverdragon701, u/ken_NT, u/AwfulMonk,
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2017.12.11 10:26 240Nordey Boys shower spy cam

Mr. Plinkett Ghostbusters (2016) Transcript
Ghostbusters (2016) is quite possibly the worst film ever made.
(Jillian) “Ehhhriiiight…”
Now I know I say that a lot, but this time I MEAN it. At worst, it’s a horribly unfunny comedy that could POSSIBLY serve as entertainment if you were stranded on an airport runway for 2 hours. At BEST, it’s you getting a bar trivia answer right where the question is, “Name two failed attempts by Sony to reboot franchises in the 2010’s.”
(ANSWER: The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) and Ghostbusters (2016))
YOU GOT IT! You won a 20 dollar bar tab!
Where oh where do I begin, my friends? It’s amazing just how WRONG this film is. It’s like putting a Jackson Pollock painting in an art gallery… during a realism exhibit. If that reference is too cerebral for you, then it’s like saying poo is pee.
(Abby) “Your work is more cerebral than I expected.”
I need a multiphasic spectrometer to analyze THIS dumpster fire.
And let me get this right outta the way outta the bat. To me, this has nothing to do with nostalgia. The original Ghostbusters film is a masterpiece of comedy. That’s correct. It’s lightning in a bottle, and as we all know, that’s something that’s EASY to recreate, or reboot – That was sarcasm – BUT, I will attempt to explain what went wrong so badly to try to help them out, y’know, for when they make that sequel to the- Oh wait… (16 million lost at the box office)
Number 1: Epic Failboot
(Feig) “For ME, personally, I was like… I didn’t know if I loved the idea of a sequel all these years later where the old team is just handing the new team the, the technology and all that.”
Well first off, if you haven’t seen this movie, it’s not a sequel despite what they may have led you to think with that TERRIBLE trailor. It’s really not even a soft reboot. ie. It exists in the Ghostbusters universe. Like these characters (The old crew) still exist, and all these events (Stay Puft) happened? NOPE. This shit is a straight-up remake, meaning they used all the same plot points and beats as the original Ghostbusters, but made it embarrasingly unfunny and terrible.
(Erin falls on her ass) “Whoop- UGH!”
She fall down and go boom!
(Jillian falls on her ass) She fall down and go boom, TOO!
It’s essentially a film that shares the same name, ideas, and structure as the classic original film, just with grown ups acting like mentally handicapped people, and embarrasing themselves, AND their audience.
Speaking of embarrasing, let’s talk about our first two culprits:
(Fieg) “I-I’m not ASHAMED of that trailer at ALL. I actually thought…”
Number 2: The Director and Writer
(Fieg) “Nobody knows me as a movie director.”
The director of this film is a MAN by the name of Paul Fieg. He is a MALE. A typical MAN’S man.
(Fieg) “And I was pretty deep in movie jail at that point having had two movies that had bombed.”
He also co-wrote the film, and I hear he’s already on to his next writing project. His suicide note! He co-wrote the film with a lady named Kate Dippold, who wrote a handful of episodes of Parks and Rec, and she wrote the movie “The Heat”. Paul Fieg has a similar list of pathetic non-achievements, like writing and directing the movie “Spy”, directing “Bridesmaids”, creating “Freaks and Geeks” – a show that’s boring and SUCKS.
(Fieg directing) “It’s SO funny you guys… It’s WORTH it. Hehehe”
And he directed a couple episodes of “The Office”, which is why we see Gabe, Kevin, and Dwight’s friend in THIS movie.
(Pam from “The Office”) “Is it called Ghostbusters?”
(Jim from “The Office”) “Ghe-It’s called Ghostbusters!”
(Andy from “The Office” in a different scene with Fieg) “Actor?”
(Fieg) “Oh, no… heh.”
And HEY, look who it is! Why it’s Cocoa the Cat. Cocoa the Cat is actually in a lot of movies and TV shows. What a big lovable pussy!
Out of all the talent in the world, why did Sony select these two hacks to write and helm the first film of this new Ghostbusters franchise, or extended universe, or whatever the fuck they were planning to do with it?!?! FUCK if I know!!!
(Fieg) “When we say GhostBUSTERs, it’s not just Ghostbusters, it’s GHOSTbusters.”
Maybe it was this amazing pitch letter they sent to Amy Pascal, y’know, the lady who apparently had her head so far up her own ass that her FECAL matter was making decisions.
(Fieg) “It’s Amy! I hear you got a take!” “It’s like- Oh… God, well I mean, ya… that I just kinda came UP with, but I don’t know if it’s right!”
WOW! That sounds GREAT! Let’s go with THAT idea. Why not?
Did anyone even see the first Ghostbusters? Ghostbusters is about finely crafted dialogue, well timed delivery-
(Ray) “I think we’d better split up!”
(Egon) “Good idea.”
(Peter) “Ya, we can do more damage that way.”
Likeable and not annoying characters, and dry sarcastic humour mixed with oddly believable science, villains, and threats. And while I’m not advocating for a remake that’s the same film - cuz that’s boring and pointless - what Ghostbusters should NEVER be is filled with embarrasing and childish ad-libs:
(Erin eating chocolate) “Oh, it’s got a filling to it. Hehe.” (audience is in hysterics due to how smart and funny it is)
HILARIOUS!
(Erin) “Look at me. I’m a monster!”
Pussy fart jokes:
(Fart noise on the recorder and Jillian opens her wormhole) “Is it more or less disgusting that I tell you it came from the front?”
Babbling characters who think their ad-libbing babbling is funny, and TERRIBLY dated humour!
(Patty) “YOU get a car, and YOU get a car, and YOU get a car! HAHAAAA!
Do you remember YOU get a car from Opera?!
(Audience in hysterics on Opera) “YOU get acar! YOU get a car! YOU get a car! YOU get a car! YOU get a car! YOU get a car! YOU get a car! YOU get a car!”
Remember crowd-surfing? REMEMBER 1997?!?!?!?!!?
I’m not quite sure what Paul Fieg’s talent really is. I mean he’s famed for directing “Bridesmaids”, but really, that was a film with a great script written by Kristen Wiig and Annie… Mumulio-mumolol-. I think Paul really just hit record on the camera. Wiig and Mumolol were nominated for an academy award, and they won a whole shitload of OTHER awards! What award did Paul Fieg win?!?! A Golden Turkey??? A Golden SHOWER???
(Dan) “Y’know the director… He spent too much on it, and he-he-hee he didn’t shoot scenes we suggested to him. Uh, several scenes that were gonna be needed, and he said no we don’t need them. And then we tested-uh the movie and they needed them, and he had to go back and…MEEEOOOOOWWWW about 30 to 40 million in re-shoots, so. Ya, so uh, he will not be back on the Sony line any time soon.” MEEEOOOWWWWW
So now you got a lady who wrote the script for “Bridesmaids” yet Sony thinks THEY (Fieg and Dippold) should write Ghostbusters?!?! That brings me to my next point. Are you ready? If you have a heart condition, please hold on to the handrails. WAIT! That makes no sense. There ARE no handrails. Get ready. Here we go! (A whole bunch of squawking from the leads) Hold on to the handrail!
Number 3: Sony Pictures is a Giant Dumpster Fire
With such hits like “Pixels”, “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”, “Smurfs”, “Black Annie”, “Sex Tape”, failed Spider-Man reboots, “After Earth”, “That’s My Boy”, and so on, it’s un-surprising that there was a rumour Sony was shutting down its film production. Not sure if it’s gonna happen, or if that was even true, but I mean, I wouldn’t get all misty eyed. While some good stuff DOES slip through the cracks…
(Erin) “Ya, that stuff went everywhere, by the way. In EVERY crack.”
I was surprised that Ghostbusters fell into a lot of the same traps that your typical sleazy Sony movie falls into.
(Dunkin Donuts cashier) “Dunkaccinno?”
(Al Pacino) “Don’t mind if I DO!”
And no, I’m not talking about the poo and fart jokes. PBBT (Abby acts appalled) Because as some of you will no doubt point out, I’m a big fan of such things… (Shitting a storm on Lucas and Abrams) If they’re in the proper context.
(Erin) “That’s a cool joke. That was… that was funny.”
(Constant farting noises) Ghostbusters isn’t the best place for a queef joke.
(Jillian) “I can do it live, if you want.”
(Erin) “What’s next? You gonna give me a wedgie?”
But alas, I AM talking about sleazy product placement. I mean we all know about Sony and Coke. (Jack and Jill fart while Coke cups are everywhere) Seeing Coke logos everywhere shouldn’t be a surprise, especially when the ending of your film takes place in Times Square. The use of product placement – to me – is always downright annoying, but it’s a VERY Sony thing to do.
(Al Pacino) “What’s my name?!”
(Jack-offs) “Dunkaccino!”
(Al Pacino) “It’s a whole NEW game!”
(Jack-offs) “Dunkaccino!”
(Al Pacino) “You want creamy goodness? I’m your friend! Say hello to my CHOCOLATE blend!”
Some things in Ghostbusters SEEMED like POSSIBLE product placements, but they may have been jokes. I’m not sure. I’m not sure what WAS a joke or what WASN’T.
And then there are the truly shameful product placements. (Slimer eating Papa John’s pizza)
The ones that make you feel like you wanna take a shower. (Kevin’s Sony VAIO)
While the whole world uses cameras on their FUCKING IPHONES, the Ghostbusters gals were of course using a Sony handi-cam. What is this?! 2006?!?!
(Jillian eats Pringles obnoxiously loud)
(Erin) “How can you be eating right now?”
(Jillian) “Once you pop.”
They claim that Pringles wasn’t a real product placement on the commentary track. They just wanted to have her eating something.
(Katie) “Here’s a fun fact. Everyone always thinks that Pringles… was just a product placement thing, but that- we had that forever."
(Fieg) “Ya!”
(Katie) “That she’s just eating…”
(Fieg) “Exactly.”
(Katie) “…during that. Hahaha.”
(Fieg) “So Pringles gets a fre-… free play. Hehe.”
But I mean, like y’know, you don’t just take a product and put it in your film. You gotta clear it with Pringles! They got teams of legal people that do all SORTS of this shit. You’re on set and you’re- “Kate McKinnon, hold up this bottle of Pringles.” Then some guy in a suit who comes in and says “HO- Whoa. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We shouldn’t shoot with that, cuz Pringles is gonna get angry cuz the movie sucks!”
I guess, like, CGI artists could always like change the label on the Pringles can, but, I mean, that gets added to the budget! I JUST DON’T BUY IT!!!
(Bill Murray) “It was ONLY cuz I knew these girls were funny…” clap
It’s lies! It’s CORPORATE LIES!
And then don’t forget Hostess Twinkies. Check it out everybody! Hostess Twinkies! The first Twinkie reference (Egon’s analogy) was just a fucking JOKE! Now it’s getting old!
NOW, let’s also enjoy some delicious Papa John’s pizza! Y’know that disgusting slop that gives you GAS?! Let’s go eat some of THAT! Hey look! There’s a location (Times Square) that’s convenient for ALL of us! Let’s get a Papa John’s pizza once we finish defeating the ghosts! Hey WAIT! Shouldn’t THESE (generic drinking cups) be Coca-Colas?!?! Who’s doin’ the product placement in this film? They should be FIRED! Oh, wait. I know why they aren’t Cokes. It’s because Papa John’s sells Pepsi products. Having them drink Cokes in this scene would be a conflict of corporate interest! Are movies magical, kids?!?!
(Papa) “Papa John’s.”
Even the fucking Blu-Ray is stuffed with ads:

Number 4: 2016 Vs 1984
It’s hard to talk about this film without comparing it to the original. It’s basically impossible because it’s a remake!
(Jennifer) “Mass hysteria!”
(Peter) “MASS HYSTERIA!”
But, the thing is, I’m not sure what the point of this movie was, other than obviously being Sony’s attempt to establish a Ghostbuster’s cinematic universe… which ended about as well as a Sonny Bono ski trip. SLAM What were we supposed to get OUT of this?!?! Was this movie supposed to be a laugh-a-minute romp?
(Erin) “But… my CONCERN is… I feel like the cat is sort of… already… kind of out of the bag.”
HILARIOUS (Audience is in hysterics)
(Abby) “What THEY’RE saying is the cat IS …” Oh my gosh, that’s so hilarious. “…out of the bag. They want to put the cat back… INside the bag.”
(Erin) “No, I kn- I know that’s what they’re saying, but I’m saying the cat’s already OUT so it’s hard to put the cats bac-“
(Abby) “I know! I know that. It’s impossible.”
(Erin) “But that’s why they have that saying, because once the cat’s out of the bag you can’t put it BACK in the bag!”
HILARIOUS
(Erin) “But once the cat is out of the bag, aren’t you like, “OOOOHHH! The cat is out of the bag!”
(Jennifer) “We just wanna shove that damn cat back in the bag!”
Were we supposed to be laughing so hard we couldn’t catch our breath? We had to pee in our pants? Were the quips and ad-libs and comments that everyone was making supposed to be SO funny we couldn’t stop laughing?! Maybe we were supposed to be laughing at all the mistakes in the movie. Like this:
(Patty) “Okay, so, I don’t know if it was a RACE thing, or a lady thing, but I’m mad as hell!”
An extra is still tapping his/her foot to the beat, even after the music has stopped. Hey why isn’t THIS scene (concert) at night? Why is this concert going on in the daytime? Apparently Ozzy is right there, and is like getting ready to go on stage… Wh-why the fuck is the headliner going on in the daytime?!
I know a way we could get SOME comedy outta the movie. Maybe we can over-saturate all the colours?! That’ll make it funny, right?! Y’know there’s probably some suit at Sony that thought of that! In fact, I have footage!
(Sony corporate sleaze) “Ya! Hey, Paul! I’ve been checkin’ out those dailies, and it looks great! It does NOT look like barf. Uh, but I was thinkin’ maybe we can make the movie look more like barf! Uh, ya I just wanna, y’know, knock the saturation levels up just- just a little bit so it looks like everybody has high blood pressure, or maybe they’re wearing, y’know, WAY too much make-up. Uh,ya my-my GRAND vision is like, alright, Willy Wonka throwing up in a Skittles factory. Ya-ya I kn- I KNOW it’ll look like hot garbage, but u-uuh this movie is a giant TURD, and y’know maybe if it’s more COLOURFUL the movie will be funny!”
Oh my god, LOOK! (Abby’s soup) Her soup only has one wonton in it! That’s hilarious!... F-F-FUCK YOU, FATSO!!! Maybe that delivery guy is trying to h- give her a hint. Y’know like, “You gotta lose some weight.”? Or is the joke that the Chinese restaurant provides low quality food? If so, uh, that Chinese restaurant is BAD! Uhll- What I mean- the lady should get more WONTONS!
The movie’s fatal flaw is that it’s an over-stuffed turkey. You can over-stuff a Judd Apatow style ad-libbed comedy (40 Y.O.V.), but a science-fiction based comedy needs to be precise. Just like science itself!
(Fieg) “So we- I wanted it based on, y’know, REAL science as much as possible. So it’s, y’kn- like a lot of nuclear… y’know, engineering, an- and physics and all that. We hired a-a nuclear physicist out of MIT.”
(Video game, unrealistic, garbage happening everywhere all at once in a splooge fest of puke colours)
Now I will do my very best to avoid singing the praises of the original film. Y’know, to avoid sounding biased. We all know what they are. We all know it’s one of the best movies ever made, with some of the best performances and characters. We all know that it DIDN’T need to be remade.
(Murray as Heiss) “Hell NO! Hahaha”
(Bill Murray) “It was ONLY cuz I knew these girls were funny…” clap
So I’ll avoid saying how great it is, AND how perfect.
(Peter) “We CAME! We SAW! We kicked its ASS!!!”
Just how absolutely perfect it is. I WON’T talk about how almost every line of dialogue is expertly written and delivered.
(Janine) “You are so kind to take care of that man. Y’know, you are a real humanitarian.”
(Egon) “I don’t think he’s human.”
And I certainly won’t mention how unique and AWESOME it was.
(Peter) “…Everybody gettin’ this so far?!”
How perfect the villains were, and how great – and well developed – each character was. I will do my very best not to mention those things.
Ghostbusters 2016 tries WAY too hard to be liked. It STINKS of desparation in almost every sense. While the original movie pulled it off flawlessly with style and grace…
(Ray) “Y’know, it’s just occurred to me. We really haven’t had a completely successful test of this equipment.”
(Egon seriously) “I blame myself.”
(Peter sarcastically) “So do I.”
Ghostbusters 2016 is like a little kid in the back seat of your car yelling for your attention. A kid that you JUST might forget is in your back seat when you go to work on a hot day, if you know what I’m sayin’. (Ghostbusters 2016 in the car seat) WHOOOOPS!!!
(Abby turning of the TV) “God!”
Number 5: Too Much Dancing and Pointless Movie References
Too much dancing! (The girls dance… a lot) Stop dancing!
THIS (elevator scene where they stand still) was the most dancing they did in the original film!
Hey, remember Patrick Swayze movies?!
(Cop) “You mean like Patrick Swayze. Like, he’s sittin’ behind you makin’ some pottery?”
Remember “Dirty Dancing”?!
(Abby) “… And then we sat down, and he was behind me, and we made a vase!”
(Erin) “Oh, you’re combining the two…”
(Abby) “Combined.”
(Erin) “Oh y’know what was a good one? “Road House”.”
Remember “Road House”?!?!
(Erin) “Point Break? Oh, come on. At the end with the big wave?”
(Abby) “There’s a ghost in that, too!”
Stop dancing! STOP DANCING!
REMEMMBBER JAWS?!?!?!
(Erin) “Please don’t be like the mayor in Jaws!”
REMEMMBBER JAWS?!?!?!
(Mayor Bradley) “Never compare me to the Jaws Mayor! NEVER!”
REMEMMBBER JAWS?!?!?!
REMEMBER SCARFACE?!?!
(Erin) “Say hello to my little-“ BANG
REMEMBER SCARFACE?!?!
(Tony) “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!!” BANG
REMEMBER SCARFACE?!?!
REMEMBER SCARFACE?!?!
(Tony) “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!!” BANG
(Al Pacino) “Say hello to my CHOCOLATE blend!”
Enough with the dancing!
REMEMBER THE EXORCIST?!?!?
Stop dancing!!! Stop dancing!!! Stop dancing!!!
REMEMBER SCARFACE?!?!
Enough with the dancing!!! Stop dancing!!!
REMEMBER SCARFACE?!?! Stop dancing!
REMEMBER SCARFACE?!?! Stop DANCING!!!
(Fieg) “That was great! It was REALLY good!”
Number 6: The Plot
(Fieg) “ALL I can ask is PLEASE just… just judge the MOVIE on its own merits. Don’t judge it off of a trailer… uh, y’know, and OBViously uh yuyuh…”
Let’s break this shit down like a cardboard box you intend to place in your recycling bin.
It’s no secret that this piece of trash is a remake. It follows the same structure as the first film, but just with SOME cosmetic changes.
First:
Erin Gilbert is the closest character to Peter Venkman, just MUCH less interesting or funny.
(Peter covered in slime) “I feel so funky.”
The Ivy League intellectual who doesn’t really do the hard science stuff, and borders on being a fraud.
I see Abby Yates as Ray Stantz. Technically minded, but still somewhat relatable. Y’know, the everyday guy… and she’s FAT, too!
Jillian Holtzmann is CLEARLY the Egon of the group. Scientifically genius and socially awkward.
And of course Patty… is Louis Tully.
I’d actually probably be a little more forgiving of this movie if it had some kind of crazy different plot…
(Abby) “Uhh, why don’t you go back to your mother’s basement where you live?”
But it didn’t. So I’m gonna fuck it right up the ass with this. (A knife) Bend over, bend over. Let Plinkett come over.
Ghostbusters (original) of course opens in the basement of the New York public library. Old librarian lady is spooked by something. OooOOooOOoo! Roll the credits! Two minutes in! One and done as they say! No need to… dwell… on THIS (Garrett)… scene… for TOO long.
(Garrett) “…century home IN New York city preserved both inside and out.”
Now here we have Gabe from “The Office” giving a tour of the Eldridge mansion. He makes a racist joke about how a clock was given preference in a Titanic lifeboat over a Romanian woman and her child.
(Garrett) “…Romanian woman and her child were forced to leave the lifeboat to make room.”
The death of some foreign woman is FUNNY. The death of her CHILD is even FUNNIER! Then he mumbles something about P.T. Barnum coming up with the idea to enslave elephants in the house.
(Garrett) “…P.T. Barnum first had the idea to enslave elephants.”
HILARIOUS!
Then we hear the long story about how the Eldridge daughter was a murderer or somethin’, and then the family locked her in the basement, and blahblahblah. And then we set up that Gabe has a trick candle holder. I guess that was to show that he’s a sceptic… or some kinda huckster? But who cares if he was or wasn’t? What did it really matter?
The point is, it takes us nearly five and a half minutes to get to THIS. (Garrett getting spooked) The opening fucking title. Now we know so much about this mansion, the family history, the daughter, her past, how and why she was locked in the basement. Does it come up again later? Nooo. I mean, SHE shows up at the end, but so what? Was all this essential to the plot? NOPE!
All we really needed to see was Gabe locking up the mansion at the end of the last tour, we show that sparking… ghost summoning device thing under the table, and then BAM title. So right there, kids, the opening fucking scene are two great side-by-side examples of what works, and what DOESN’T. You got slim, neat, and to the point (original), next to overly-long, unfunny, bloated, and filled with pointless information.
(Katie) “You cast Zach, who is one of the funniest people in the entire world.”
(Fieg) “Oh my god… Literally the best- I think the best improviser I’ve ever worked with.”
(Garrett) “It’s said that in this very room P.T. Barnum first had the idea to enslave elephants.”
Another thing to mention is that your first scene sets the tone. With the original Ghostbusters the opening scene has no jokes. It’s played a hundred percent straight and is actually kinda scary. It tells us, “Take the ghosts, and all this shit, kinda seriously.” THIS (Garrett’s scene) tells me, “Oh nooo. There’s gonna be two more hours of this shit.” (Garrett’s scene is shown more to emphasize its necessity for plot progression)
(Fieg) “Well THAT’S the way to ALSO take it away from just… kinda direct comparisons in a weird way, cuz you’re not gonna go, “Well, who’s the female Venkman?” Y’know, or hopeful- hopefully you wouldn’t.”
Next, we introduce the female Venkman. Meet our new Egon and Rays, and FINALLY get to our preliminary ghost invenstingation. Now I can compare every scene side-by-side, and explain in painful detail how tightly crafted and great the first Ghostbusters is, and compare each scene to their much longer, unfunny, babbling counter-parts with WAY too many pointless lines and actions.
(Hawkins) “Do you have ANY idea how many federal regulations you’re breaking on a daily basis?”
(Jillian) “One?” (laughter)
(Rorke) “No.”
(Jillian) “Two?”
(Rorke) “No.” (More laughter)
(Jillian) “Is it one?”
(Rorke) “Just… sit quietly.”
But I’ll be here all day, and this video would be SO long and scary, the government would classify it as terrorism! So I’m just gonna bullet point all the plot shit in case you were too dense to see how this is a total fucking straight up rip-off con job.
(Fieg) “…went WAIT! If I could reBOOT it, and just kinda do our whole new origin story - taking this amazing idea of funny people fighting the paranormal with technology – THAT’S… interesting to me, and THAT I think I know how to do.
While the major beats are in place, the tone and angle of each movie is VERY different. In the original Ghostbusters you have Venkman, who is a con artist. He’s a sleaze who is out to sleep with women…
(Peter) “I’ll take Ms. Barrett back to her apartment and check her out.”
…and do as little work as possible. When him, Egon, and Ray are kicked out of the university it’s VENKMAN who wants to start the Ghostbusters business.
(Peter) “To go into business for ourselves.”
Which, of course, leads to wonderful moments like this:
(Peter) “You’re NOT gonna lose the house. Everybody has three mortgages nowadays!”
(Ray) “But at 19%, you didn’t even BARGAIN with the guy!”
(Egon) “Ray, for your information, the interest rate ALONE for the first 5 years comes to 95 thousand dollars.”
In this film (2016), the motivation seems to be two things:
For Erin Gilbert to regain respect by proving that ghosts are real…
(Erin) “We can become the first scientists to prove the existence of the paranormal! All we have to do is find an entity…”
And to help people?... I guess?
(Abby) “This woman is describing a Class 3 haunting IN her house. She can’t just MOVE. She can’t call the police!”
On that first point, Kristen Wiig really needed to be the quote “Straight Man”… er, uhm, WHOOPS! Sorry Paul Fieg! I meant “Straight Woman”! I don’t wanna be sexist.
(Jillian) “Good boy.”
(Kevin) “Ugh! God, it stinks.”
(Patty) “Just a big, beautiful dummy.”
She should have ACTUALLY been respected at Columbia. Instead she’s trying to get tenure, and is excited about lecturing in “The BIG Hall”. Just like an amateur HACK. Then she’s acting like an idiot. All weird and awkward around everyone. She has a conversation with some snobby lady that just proves how unaccepted she is already. If she had a REAL career and something to actually RISK by joining the Ghostbusters, it’d take on a realistic tone.
Again, someone said to Kristen Wiig, “Say funny and weird things”, instead of using restraint… and making her character the stable and grounded one as it needed to be.
Abby and Holtzmann just have a general passion for the paranormal stuff, but no real goal. Y’know, except for helping a Youtube commentor?
(Abby) “We just have to go upstairs and ask for more money!”
Then the only mention of money is that they can’t afford the old Ghostbusters fire house and have to work above a Chinese restaurant. Hey, wait… The fact that they’re above a Chinese restaurant? Is that a reference to the first film? Y’know, where the Ghostbusters are eating take-out Chinese, when they say “That’s the last of the petty cash.”?
Ah… fuck it. This movie ain’t THAT clever.
(Leslie interview with Papa John’s showing) “I think it’s going to satisfy the taste buds of the people who love the original, and then they’ll love this one too, because it’s DIFFERENT.”
Wait… I guess Abby attempted to make a flier… and then had Kevin make a logo. But shit, you gals are gonna be outta business in a WEEK at THIS rate. ESPECIALLY with Bush in the White House! There is no Venkman character negotiating for more money, and pushing to keep things afloat for his own selfish, personal reasons.
You see, Ghostbusters (original) is essentially a film about the spirit – no pun intended – of entrepreneurship.
(Ray) “I’ve WORKED in the private sector. They expect results.”
(Peter) “The franchise rights ALONE will make us rich beyond our wildest dreams!”
Three guys struggling to start and run a business, and then hiring an employee because they become too busy. They just happened to save the world in the process. Venkman could care less, Ray is filled with a child-like fascination with ghosts, Egon is a technical genius and of course is…
(Egon) “I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.”
And Winston…
(Winston) “If there’s a steady pay check in it, I’ll believe anything you say.”
Well HE don’t care. That’s what makes the movie great, cuz it’s moral ambiguity, and it’s grounding in reality. The Ghostbusters are shlubby exterminators. They aren’t role models! They aren’t action stars! They certainly aren’t HEROES! If anything they’re anti-heroes, or accidental heroes, ESPECIALLY Venkman.
(Peter) “… GO GET ‘ER RAY!”
The contradiction is best exemplified by this good old fashioned hard edit. (Ghostbusters epicly charge in to the apartments, and are then sucking air on the staircase)
Do you GET IT NOW?!?!? Do you GET IT Paul Fieg?!?!?!
Number 7: Casting and Improv
(Fieg) “When you get 4 people… in those lead roles like that who are so… not only funny, but sweet and wonderful, you just laugh the whole time.” (Fieg and Wiig laughing together while the crew look bewildered and frustrated)
The casting of this movie isn’t the problem. Only in rare cases is the casting of a movie SO bad that it ruins the whole film. A good script and a good director could make ANYTHING work. Who woulda thought that “Mr. Mom” could be “Batman”, or that Charlton Heston could play a Mexican, or that Lindsay Lohan could play a drug-addled stripper?
Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones are talented people, and very funny on Saturday Night Live. Melissa McCarthy, while sometimes can be a bit too much for some people, has done some funny roles, and has good comedic timing. I did actually enjoy “Spy”. I didn’t see “The Heat” though. I thought it was another film trying to sell me a convection oven.
(Mr. T) “Mmm. MMmmm! This is delicious! My taste buds is goin’ wild!”
I got too many convection ovens! Stop trying to sell me a convection oven!
(Infomercial narrator) “Are you too BUSY to cook a wholesome meal for the family?”
I don’t GOT a family.
(Infomercial narrator) “Do you hate the hassle of waiting for your food to thaw?”
No.
(Infomercial narrator) “Has fast food become a regular on your family’s dinner table?”
Why I LOVE fast food!
(Infomercial narrator) “Are you concerned about gaining weight, and high cholesterol…” NO. “… due to unhealthy eating habits?”
NO!
(Infomercial narrator) “Has cooking become just a tiresome…” I hate the clean-up. “… chore for you?”
(Mr. T busting through the door) “BWAH!” (Audience cheers)
Mr. T?! Wait, HE’S shilling for cash now?!
(Mr. T) “Darla, are my eyes decievin’ me, or am I lookin’ at deh frozen food section at deh supermarket.”
What’s the world come to? The A-Team was just on T.V.
(Mr. T) “You jokin’ right?”
Oh, sorry about that. Talking about “The Heat” made me think of all those convection ovens I have sitting in my basement… collecting dust. Oh! Sorry! Back to my review!
Kristen Wiig. She’s just a terrific comedian, as well as a great dramatic actress AND writer, too.
So they took these 4 actresses and put them in a movie that just didn’t work for them. That’s all. 94.6 percent of this film relied upon improvisation, and you cannot improvise clever well-constructed science jokes. What you CAN improv is day-to-day stuff in life.
For example, the scene when they interview Kevin. They ask him questions, make fun of him, Kristen Wiig salivates over his Thor-like handsomeness, etc. Kevin is a dummy, and says silly things. In fact, Chris Pinesworth is rather funny at improv. That scene sort of worked… if this were a rom-com about women starting a business.
Apparently there is a 45 minute long edit of this scene.
(Chris) “We’d do… 40 minute takes with, where we just let the camera roll, and we’d all be sort of improvising. It was unique to anything I’d done before.”
(Fieg commentating on the scene) “I don’t know. This was- This was 5 hours of improv?”
(Katie) “Ya.”
(Fieg) “I forget.”
Please STOP ad-libbing! STOP IT!
(Abby) “That’s a… tough way to…”
Oh my god. Say CUT already!
(Fieg in the background to start the scene???) “Aaaaaaand… CUT!”
(Melissa) “The fact that Paul Fieg had ANY footage to actually cobble together a film is shocking… uummm.”
(Patty) “Ya, he probably dances REAL sexy.”
(Abby) “Uuuuhhh…”
(Patty) “Y’know what I’m sayin’. Like a, just a wiiind. Just…” (Starts humping the air)
(Abby) “I don’t- I don’t think his hips move… at all. I thi-…”
Then there’s a scene where Abby and Patty are mocking how they think Erin’s boyfriend might dance. It’s mildly amusing and also VERY clearly improv. Although I think this might be an extended scene. I’m not really sure. The VHS tape of this movie I got is the one with the extra footage, so I don’t remember what was in the original film, cuz I only saw it once… and I slept through half of it.
(Patty) “He can rip that V-neck off and he gets it BUSY man.”
(Abby) “He’s got- He rips that V-neck off, he’s got another V-neck.”
Problem is, Ghostbusters isn’t a movie where you point your camera at your actors and yell, “Say funny things!”. Those are called Judd Apatow movies, and usually they’re about people, sex, relationships, virginity, farts, pussies, lesbians, shitting, hookers, drinking booze, swearing…
(Andy) “COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKAH!!!”
…sluts, dude-bros, smoking pot, video games, taking dumps, tits, and so on. (Andy with a rager)
Were there ad-libs in the original Ghostbusters film? Probably! Yes?! I guess?! I don’t know. I’m too lazy to look into it, but at some point you have to say NO!
Like this guy (Dean) for example.
(Dean) “Get your candy-asses up on outta this piece! And don’t let the dizzoor hit ya on the izzass on your way izzout!”
Apparently this guy’s big stand-up bit in the 1980’s was THIS stuff (falling down multiple times like a jack-ass) where he’d flip you the middle finger in many different ways. It’d go on for 15 minutes.
(Dean) “I think it might be a ghost!” (Wiggles his hand around and points the bird at Erin and Abby) “Oh no. It’s not. It’s just a bird. Bye! There’s the door. Later days. Can you hear this? Lemme turn it up.”
I bet that was funny 38 years ago.
Hey! Maybe THIS guy’s (Charles Dance) gimmick was black face in 1952! But for FUCK SAKE, leave it outta the movie! Their part in the movie is to kick the Ghostbusters outta the school, not indulge in some cheap, pathetic and embarrasing humour. SOMEtimes an ad-lib here or there is fine. But NOT EVERYWHERE!
(Abby) “Maybe I should come out? It’s all chemistry. I could come out with my own… hair dye?”
But not EVERYWHERE!
These Holywood geniuses couldn’t see that a square Pegg doesn’t fit in a hole. I will now go frame by frame through this as a Bruder film, and tell you everything. And I mean EVERYTHING that was done WRONG.
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