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2020.11.24 07:20 artmonso Pimp rogue’s nuclear-powered bullshit or how a "that guy" ruined my rep with the local pathfinder community. {minally NSFW due to drug, sex and crime refs)



This was one of the few times in my younger years that I wish that I wasn’t so naive. It started with me getting laid off from my school job for the 3rd time due to dumb paperwork reasons and needed a new one for the time being... So just my luck when one of the local dnd Facebook groups had someone offering to pay anyone to run a game for him, his “girls'' and their “friends.”
He was going to pay me in cash about 20USD an hour for one or two sessions a week for about 6 to 8 hours a game. Pathfinder with the basic handbook to start and adding books from there depending on the players, players which we had a very high turnable of, the one player who was consistent enough was the host I will just call the pimp rogue.
He lives on the edge of a very well-off neighborhood leading into the poor, gang-infested half of the city I lived in. The shared living room was full of different anime, video games, comics, sex toys and drug paraphernalia neatly put away on shelves. At first, I thought this was strange but remembering that I’m in California and everyone at the house was of college-age I figured this was normal-ish.
Mr. Rogue was a thin man in his late 20s who dressed and sounded like shaggy from scooby-doo, he owned the house turned boarding room, with a massage parloTraditional medicine shop, or at least that’s how he explained how he knows everyone’s drug habits in the local area.
He was studying at the local community college to improve his current property management skills and hopfully to convert some investors to help him open up a hotel...in the middle of the drug and gang filled area of the city. That plus his addiction to WoW (world of warcraft) and he hasn't had any time to run games for his “girls” or there “friends”
He had me run a test game with some of his top girls, which at the time seemed either not too interested or had other things on their mind, like pot or food. Also, I was rusty at the time and was hoping that I didn't have to be the living rulebook at the time. The three college-aged girls seem to wear very revealing clothing for their work who were “very progressive” about dress code and wear heavy amounts of makeup despite as far as I can tell they were on their day off.
I felt like this was kind of strange but reminded myself that for the 2nd time that I live in California and nothing is normal here.
So I run one of the free mods off of the pathfinder website. Me and Mr. Rogue helped the other three players make characters, a barbarian, a fighter, a bard to the begrudging agreement from his top “assistant” girl.
It was a simple clear out of an old tower for the local lord, the girls seemed to understand what was happening and what to do but needed some reminding of the rules... A lot.
They didn't seem too inquisitive about what was in the tower, just that they wanted to kill the few monsters that were there and get out of there. The rogue went off by himself and looted everything he would find ways to avoid the traps and monsters as the girls would run to whatever the monster were because of the heavy amount of meta gaming and kill them. I tried to throw in descriptions of the ruined halls and destroyed rooms but all I got from Mr. Rogue was “yeah, that's cool but what is in here that looks valuable” and I'll give him a roll for the loot he found.
By the end of the game session and a brief closed talk in another room, I was told that I got the job. I was to run 4 to 6-hour pathfinder sessions once a week at 20USD an hour. He would pay for the pizza, drinks, and even offered his own meds from his “herb side hustle” which I refused, not fully understanding what he really meant.
He also wanted me to find more players for the group seeing as his girls may have to do some long shifts from time to time and would like to get more business for his natural med and massage “hustles.” he said I had that “innocent kid look” and would be better if I asked around.
Asked some friends to help join the game as I looked for more people to join from the local groups. The host asked me to run an urban campaign that didn't go too far from the main location. I had a homebrewed city out in the middle of a stormy tropical isle i was building in my spare time and now a group to try it on.
It was made to be very drop in and drop out but had a story involving the group going from poor outcast to wealthy Respected members of the city's political class. I had months of Content already and Excited that I could finally use them for a game that I was DMing. At least I had be excited as I underestimated how much of a “that guy” the host was as he somehow bypassed most of the contact I had planned for the group. I'm not sure if he was doing this on purpose or because he wasn't at the table for large chunks of it as he would pop in after taking care of some business around the large house/apartment. Here are some notable examples of what he did to personally ruin or outright bypass everything I've planned for the game.
The inheritance...wasted
When the party first arrived at the tropical city the first thing I wanted to do is give them a proper base as the starting tavern I had them start at “the rusty floater” which was more of a flophouse than a proper inn. Some of the other players have said they had some noble background and wanted to check in on them.
The hook was that they went to the family manor to see it in ruins and an old butler who had a small shack near the front gate of the manor would tell the party how the noble paladin and wizard’s family lost their home to less than noble means. The party can begin by getting the key to the manor to find that the documents have been faked and a quest to get the manor back from the evil rival noble family.
What happened was that as most of the party was looking at the ruined manor, Mr. rogue spotted the old butler coming out of his shack and looking at the party, spotting the paladin's seal on his back. That's when the pump rogue told me “I'm going to sneak up to the creepy old man and slit his neck open.”
Me: wait what?
Pump rogue: it's a creepy man waiting in the shadows, I know what he wants and I'm not letting him hurt anyone in the party!!!
So he sneaks up and crits the old man, killing him Instantly before any of the party members' characters could take note of him. He then looted the old man’s shack where the butler's journal, key, and some papers I had made into handouts that were meant for the group. I gave them to the rogue who at the very least could pass them onto the rest of the group after looking them over. He asked if there was some kind of hidden code in the documents that he wasn't seeing and asked to do some skill checks which I Told him did not apply here and then burned the documents in the fireplace as well as set fire to the shack.
“If I don't deserve whatever code in the docs and no one else has as high skills as me might as well destroy what other assassin codes and orders he had,” he said to me as he throws out the handouts only he saw and got the party back a tavern to plan to guard a beekeepers farm. I tried to salvage it by having a 2nd servant of the old family be in the same tavern and ID the nobles of the group to share the same info I tried to give them beforehand.
The rogue who said beforehand he was “looking for anyone watching them” picks up on the old woman and decides to split from the group to talk to her. Opening up by giving her some wine from his personal stack.
The old woman: thank you kindly, is that man…
Rogue: please drink first then we can talk
Me as an old woman: what
Rogue: I offered you a drink and in halfling costumes, it is an insult to talk without drinking first
One diplomacy check later the old woman is shamed into drinking the wine
Old woman: o this is great, now is that young man…
Rogue: she has to man a Con save or take stat damage.
The Rogue used his earnings from earlier to buy poison that would weaken normal monsters but would outright kill normal non-player characters like a level one commoner, so she fails her save and outright dies from Constitution damage. As the rogue props up the body of the “spy” before rejoining the party with the wizard and paladin glaring at the rogue who defended himself by saying out of game “they were clearly assassins and spies for some kind of cult, that's how I would DM it anyway”
It didn't help that later that session as the rest of the party was gambling and fighting in the rusty floater basement fight club, the rogue sneaks into the manor the (former) future base of the party, looted the different rooms like the training room, the library or the lab, interrupting my description of the rooms to “speed up the looting of the assassin lair” and then set the whole place on fire.
Yes, I did talk to him after and he continues to say that he knows it was the assassin’s but that I gave it my best try at hiding the fact and took his money.
The quickness gang war ive ever seen
The next big hook was a gang war between two rival gangs and the city watch trying hard to keep the peace, the party had done a number of smaller jobs and one of the new players a dwarf fighter, desired to have his big character arc be rejoining with his brother who was the Captain of the watch.
The plan was to slowly dig up info on the two gangs by intrigue and combat missions ending with a big raid on at least one of the bases with the surviving base becoming one of the big bad for the campaign.
The pimp rogue who was the unofficial leader desired to mail the captain a drawing of his ass saying that “we would never work with piggies” and forge the dwarfs signature on the latter burning that players plot arc for “his own good”
They did do a great job of plotting out and following a number of members of the gangs to find the HQ of the gangs. The pimp rogue then got one of his girls playing a bard to use a charm to get into the base and a 2nd charm spell to get the leader to lead a charge of the other gang's base. He then called the watch who had their top NPCs come to join in on the raid of the base in the hopes that they get the reputation needed for the next step of the campaign but then got Blind sided when the pimp rogue ordered the girls to “as soon as we are deep enough we set the building on fire and lock everyone inside officers and master criminals alike.”
Everyone fled, excluding the dwarf fighter who was trying to RP at least his honor-bound bond to his brother and tried to warn his brother of the trap. He died with his brother and the player quit outright.
The pimp rogue was kind of proud that he not only made the city safer from crime but completely decapitated the leadership of the watch as “a good pig is a dead pig” which was a bit of a shock for me as I never encounter someone who had a deep hate for law enforcement as this was years before the BLM movement got started.
Finally, the thing that derailed the whole thing: the exposition for the deep dwarves
It was after the party completed at least one of the major quests breaking up a demon cult operating out of a cursed item shop. They were able to loot a large amount of gold and the pimp rogue had taken a few levels of a cleric by burning some demon summoning scrolls, so seeing as 2 of the three major quests got killed horribly by the holy pimp rogue I decided to start stage 2 early.
The plan was that after getting a rep for being great, noble, and reliable problem solvers they will be sought out by a gnome scholar who was trying to set up an exposition to the local ruin to look into an extinct race of dwarfs that lived so far down that the light of day never touches them. He's been trying to find funding outside his homeland who had some fascistic religious types take control of it by a military coup.
The idea was simple, they go to each of the guilds and trade unions to ask for assistance in supplying the exposition with men, gear, and supplies to make it to the dig site to begin the dungeon diving as a different actively when not running the holdings that would come from the money and fame generated from completing the dig.
First, they would have to complete a quest with the tropical traders who were having dire fruit bats moving onto the three growing islands with druids protesting the farmers trying to make a living off of the fruit and crops there.
Second, they were to help the craftsman make their surveying and digging tools if they found out why one of their trade settlements was being weirdly quiet and the inspectors they sent hadn't shown up. Turning out to be that a Lovecraftian cult moved in, killed off or converted the leadership to suvre the elder ones then started making a pair of lens that would be used to bring dark beings into the world.
Three but finally was the labor union that wanted the party to clear a rock quarry that had raptors move into it to make a nest, but in reality, the raptors were attracted by the lizardfolk and naga who didn't take kindly to the quarry company coming in and destroying there temple for building materials killed everyone in there sleep and now trying to place a dark curse onto the city. The runners who were sent up there to see what the delay was and only saw the raptors and mutilated bodies and called that in.
I figured that this would be a great chance for some morally gray RP, to get the party as a whole more XP seeing that they were flying through most of the planned contact and story. It also could have gotten the party the magical upgrades I was trying to give them as they barley exploited there surrounding except for the rogue and a few of the vets who would lose out on the checks to the min/max rogue or to the votes on who gets the loot as his girls would outnumber the client players every time. He would then sell off the magic items seeing as he can't use them or even rent them out to the other players who saw it as the exploitative bull that it was.
So guess what happened….guess what the divine pimp rogue did.
Pimp rogue: hell no, deal with your own F***ing bullS*** you commie parasites.
The Rogue didn't want to do any favors with any of the guilds or unions nor did he want to pay them for the use of any of their man, equipment, or goods despite them controlling nearly 90% of each of their respective markets. So he put it to a vote to just do the bare minimum seem like a leader to the new players and win 5-3, the three no’s being the paladin who was just there to see how this trainwreck goes. And two new guys who I had tied there introductions to the guild and union quests respectively who than left after this seston for how blindsided of a derailment this was for there backstories and saw that this wasn't going to be a Role Play heavy game as they fought it was going to be.
The pimp rogue got the cheapest gear, gathered the poor, crippled and elderly, demanded that the people coming on the trip do the grocery shopping as a buy-in, which turns out by the luck of the die mostly spoiled meats and donated food by the evil gnome cult I would have following them and did the medieval equivalent of wire fraud in the name of the professor who he had tricked into being his legal posy for anything else he thought we needed. On the day of the departer, He and his girls broke into each of the guilds and unions to steal their lagtors and then set fire to the record rooms with the leaders inside for good measure.
So they were off 3 to 4 months ahead of schedule and now having to figure out what statue to put the city in when they return or if they return as most of the hands-on leadership is dead, the economy had been halted, the underground had a massive power vacuum to fill. The city folk were at risk of starving as food would have to be imported from the mainland months away. The worst of it is that two cults of pure evil were about to attack the two.
At this point as well paid as I was for this, it was getting onto my nerves, I was having to plan more on the fly, it was affecting my hunt for a more effective job, it was affecting my sleep and my school work to the point I was having frequent arguments with my folks. It came to a head session later.
Its been about a week in-game since they took off for the dig site and were about a few hours away from making it to the site when I desired to mix up the encounters by having a small bandit fort set up in the middle road they been using and need to pay them or take a long way around. So I set it up either for them to one fight the fort, talk them into getting them thought, pay or go the long way.
They choose to find the small form of 500 or so untrained thieves, 30 in the form and the rest slowly trying to sneak behind them with the two leaders they had at least 100 saraband guards with basic training and at least and at least 5 to 7 (the paladin friend, a guy new to the area and dnd, the pimp rogues, and at least two to four of the rogue's min/max combat monster girls) party members of about 3rd or 4th level. The party was interested in some of the newer books of pathfinder. So decided to test out the mass combat rules and thought that everyone would enjoy leading the guards into battle….
That's not what happened
Turns out being interested does not mean reading the rules, even if you print them out for them. The pimp rogue decided the best plan was to trick the workers into fleeing into the ambush with some of the guards to sell the bluff.
He told the paladin character that he had his back to take the fort to plan a counter defense which he had the spell power, creativity, and gold to make taking the fort easy. This was a lie, hoping that it would be a good enough diversion. He and his girls fled for their lives as "you said that fleeing may be an option at any time" which I did say but for more obvious reasons like rolling stone traps, or the sewer monster they never cleared because of the pimp rogue "neat freak" character trait.
So the easy mass combat encounter became a bloodbath as the noob and paladin blindly charged the fort with no support as most of the guards being disorganized, to say the least, made an easy fight turned into a bloodbath. The paladin and noob were shot down by tower archers as the leak of real leadership made the guards' squid rolls useless as they were easily overwhelmed despite the better training and gear.
The rest of the party made it to the dig site alone, and after auto rolling for the rest of the battle more than 70% of the caravan was wiped out with only a handful of carts left with nearly all of the key NPCs excluding the professor and a kid that one of the former players befriended. on the trail had been killed. As the decimated caravan rolled in the pimp rogue asked me “so how much gold did I save getting all the guard and trail guides killed” I don't think I ever found out if this was his plan the whole time or I didn't explain the encounter right. I know that I wanted to hurt this guy (in-game) for all the stress of his nuclear-powered sananagins.
So for the next few sessions, the rogue and the girls (at this point I was running out of gaming groups to pull players from) had them digging up the entrance hall to the dungeon as one of the massive skips in content left me no time to design the dungeon and that I wanted to unleashed the gate guards on them. The gate guards were too massive black marble statues made by the deep dwarfs ritual blood rites to drive back anyone who dares try to unlock the door to the elevators. The gate guards acted as high leveled necromancers that would cause the excavators to go mad then kill each other or themselves by sabotaging the digging in some way. As the dead mounted the necro magic would kick in to turn the dead bodies of the people and animals in the area into undead monsters and horrors to defend the gate.
I may have played my hand too early, for when they were clearing room for what was happening in the area I rolled on the random encounter pool to get a couple of trapdoor spiders. The spiders grasped the rogue into their hole, and started to well on the halfling rogue and nearly killed him. His girls were able to break into the hole and kill the spiders before they can finish off the rogue. So I might have fugled the undead creation rules a bit and ask they were leaving from the cave rogue in the back, the spiders with newfound undead vigor, jumped the rogue and rolled a nat 1 on both of their surprise attacks. The rogue who I forgot was a cleric up to this point used “turn undead” and forced the spiders as far back into their hole as possible and the 5 of them set the webs on fire. This quads him in that something was off, did a scan for magic, and found the status 20 feet below the ground. I got to say that at this point, it got interesting again if not fun as it was full on me vs. him instand me running for the party. I know that sounded bad but the amount of stress I was under at the time and frankly I was mentally and emotionally done at this point 20 dollars an hour be damned.
I tried to have the statues, whisper dreams of unionization, and coffee breaks. He and the girls scouted out one of the unions, took the leaders out of range of the statues for a hunting party to take about better pay, and murdered them in their sleep, and burned the bodies. Tried to start heated racial tensions in the caves with charm spells, rogue makes an example of a few of them by burning them alive saying he won't tolerate bigots and reorganizing the teams to be least racially diverse. Had a few cave-ins and accidents seeing it's the best way to make bodies. He and his girls wound the risks to saving them and if he cannot he found a way to get to the cave, fill it with oil, set it on fire, and reseal it to be a make-shift cremation oven complete with smoke coming out of holes on the surface. I even had a rebellion do to all the nightmarish acts of cruelty and wanted better treatment or they all walk, the rogue and his girls hit everyone with sleep spell seeing as there were about 50 or less of them and all were low-level common folk excluding the professor who was fearful of his life and tortured a few time on hints that he may be planning something. He and his magical girls reformed the walls and defenses set up earlier to keep people in as well as keep critters out and murdered more by fire to make it clear who was in charge.
Finally, the day came where they broke the seal to the door after a week of death and torment. He was proud of himself and was making a speech to the workers with no spirit left or even will to live, some figuring that they’ll be killed after or made into food seeing as no one was sure were the fresh food was coming from seeing as all hunting and fishing stopped long ago and this point figured canimalism was at play (it was some druid spell I forgot the name of but the pimp rogue didn't tell the workers that) and were just waiting for the end with there follow workers which had been widaled down to 20 or so. (if your wondering there were about five to seven hundred of them to start)
This is when I sounded in the dead that the pimp rogue missed, you see in the digs they were using birds to see if enough air in the shafts, tropical vermin moved in looking for food and a shelter. Even bigger hunts like ferrets to control the vermin problem. The only thing they checked for is if the horses and other pack mules were dying so that they can be burned as well as the other bodies.
So you should have seen their surprise when packs of shadow rats, swarms of undead birds, and dog-sized ferrets their bodies fused together. As some of them had given resistance to divine magic it made it harder for the pimp rogue to just use his holy pimp slap on them. It was a long and heavy battle as they were attacked by air and ground both under and above. The birds didn't stand a chance as the mass casting of turn undead made them flee wildly but still was enough of a distraction to have the meat ferrets sneak attack from underground and the shadow rats turned control to move around the tank in front liners and get to the squishes of the pimp’s squid of casters. I don't remember much of that battle, just that I nearly got two of the four girls downed and the rogue had to spend the last of his healing bursts to get everyone on their feet again.
The main boss was a flesh golem as when the fighting started some of the workers hide in some of the utility tunnels which collapsed during the fighting killing all of them. Giving the black statues the bodies need to make one. I figured this was it, a TPK, there wasn't anything I thought they can do as the big mass of hateful flush dig its way out and was going up one of the two entryways to the dig site. That is until the rogue called on the earth bender. Now originally I wanted to have it be the main handbook. As the game went on and on, one of the girls who seemed more interested in the game than the others would talk to me after games about the rules and the more complex classes. She even kept in contact with me on Facebook to talk about other nerd or anime topics. One of the classes she really wanted to multiclass into was the Elementalist, I decided to allow it seeing as out of all of the players she seems to have a spine and willing to give herself real agency even if it was just to be better at support casting.
So she used her earthbending to collapse the entry on top of the flush monsters face than kept the monster in place so that the rest of the party ganged up on the monsters head and beat it into a bloody pulp as I failed to save after save to get out of the mud and dirt it was trapped in.
The rogue and earthbending bard high fived as they finally entered the dungeon that I barely designed and at this point know would just be stumped on by the rogue’s BS, but I had to try. Seeing as I had an idea for what he would face with the cult chased up with them and find witnesses in the remaining workers still locked up at the camp that would give them the blackmail needed to turn the city august them. As part of the cultists turned to bring the survivors back to the city and the rest stayed to wait for the party to come back.
A week passed and I came in with all my gaming gear to see that another DM was in my place. The rogue felt like I was burning out and decided to have an old friend come in to replace me. He at least gave me money for the last game and for the game I was going to run. I played for the first game, the new DM seems to have taken my dungeon idea and expanded it and seems to be about to counter the rogue’s BS better than I ever can. I left the group and never went back.
The epilogue
Months later I ran into the new dm trying to join a game as it seems like I had some kind of rep hanging over my head, keeping me from joining. So it was refreshing to be about to join a game again. I asked how the old game went and if he made any money from it, he seemed confused as I told him that I was being paid to run games for him as well as the shenanigans he pulled on me.
He figured as long as he had known him the pimp rogue had been a huge “that guy” and min/maxer. He would have him take “breaks” as he would found ways to skip major encounters and dungeons.
I asked “how did you solve that problem?
The New DM: “o he got too busy with his drug and pimping side gigs”
ME: WAIT WHAT?!
The new DM: I thought he told you, I mean it was pretty obeasue.
Turns out he was trying to get a dnd based prostitution thing going on where nerdy clients would play with his hottest girls and maybe return for some “one on one” sessions. He soon found out his normal clients weren't that nerdy and drugs don't move. He also ground addicted to the world of warcraft and it barely gave the pimp rogue time to plan.
That was when I came in, I had the most innocent person he had even made and thought he could use me to get in more nerdy types and get them onto the whole RPG/SEx/drug thing he had planned. So the players that I attracted to the table he turned to offer them some private sessions with the girls for how poorly the game went. They would decline and stop coming over, giving me weird looks and excuses as to why they no longer wanted to be in the game anymore. Turns out my friends and colleagues assumed I was this guy’s partner in crime at best or at least one of his underlings and slowly ghosted me.
So that's how I updated my expectations and was a black sheep for my local gaming groups for a number of years.
TL;DR got hired to run games for a massive "that guy" and a real pimp and drug dealer was trying to expand his client base to the local nerd community.
Got kicked after trying to TPK the party with undead critters.
Edit1: for the people wondering how this "over the top" story is real as "any same man could see this come" I'm autistic and miss social signals that normal people would pick up on. It did help that my mother who works with law enforcement and courts shelter me to the point that my idea of a pimp was the stereotype 50s to 60s black guy in a big fur coat and hat simular to the boondocks and never to wear red or blue unless I wanted to be gutted by "the gangster folk"
Starting to understand that my mother has some underlings descrmaion problems
submitted by artmonso to rpghorrorstories [link] [comments]


2020.11.19 13:34 Flaky-Cap-757 My wife is leaving me and I don’t know what to do

Hi. Throwaway, obviously.
Guess I’ll dive right in. This will no doubt be incredibly long and ramble all over the place. But I don’t know how else to tell it but to tell it pretty damn completely. On the one hand I’m writing this for me, on the other I feel lost and lonely and feel a need to connect and share with someone. I am talking to people around me so I am not completely isolated. But I suppose I have some vague hope of finding sage advice or different perspectives here from people who have been in similar situations, or anything, really. Thanks if you took the time to read this. I hope you are well.
So.
A little over two weeks ago things felt a little distant between me and my wife. Not cold, but I could sense it as I got into bed. We’ve been together going on fifteen years, we have kids and busy lives, it’s happened before. No big deal. I started up a casual conversation just to try and reconnect a bit, see where’s she’s at. Then after a while she fell silent. I asked her if everything was alright. She said no. Then told me she had been secretly seeing a therapist for the past few weeks.
During those talks she had come to realize something that had been stewing in the back of her mind for what felt like an eternity. She was not attracted to me. And probably never had been. She had just told herself that she was. We met as teenagers, at a difficult time in both our lives, became close friends, then a few years later we fell in love. Now she says that there was always the nagging suspicion that something was off on her end, but things between us were so nice otherwise, and things around us had been so tough, that she never dared to look that truth in the eye.
Now that she has, it is clear to her that a fundamental part of our relationship is simply not there. She would like to feel passion for her partner, to be excited by them, to want them. Of course I thought we had that, but if she doesn’t than I can’t say I disagree. We’re not at an age (mid thirties) where a passion- or sexless marriage feels like something we’d be okay with. So to her, this meant the end of our relationship. And, overwhelmed in the moment, I understood. There was no other way. I’ll also note, for some perspective, that this talk was very emotional for both of us. She didn’t coldly and factually notify me of this development.
The next morning, after sharing the news with some people close to me, I hit the brakes. We are married. We have kids. We have a house together. None of these are everlasting and I’ve always told myself that, but how did the conversation jump from ‘there’s a fundamental problem’ to ‘there’s no point in even exploring if it can be fixed’. After more than a decade I never thought we’d go down without a fight, or even an effort really. So I suggested at the very least going to counselling, but she was hesitant. She didn’t see the point, being so sure of her feelings, despite of it hurting, despite of everything that’s on the line. But to me, she was overlooking all kinds of facets of our relationship that might have influenced how she’s feeling right now.
Guess I’ll start adding context and jump back in time now to say that our sex life has always been difficult. Especially around initiation. Oftentimes when I’d spontaneously try something she’d freeze up. There were dozens of things I could do wrong in the beginning of our relationship that would ruin the mood and make things grind to a halt. It took me a long time to learn how to mostly avoid such pitfalls. What I held onto from the start, is that if we made it past that initiation point, sex seemed good. Connected, intense. I’d make her orgasm, more violently as time went on. Because of that, I felt like the threshold we kept bumping into seemed to be something ‘outside’ of us. Not something that happened because of our lack of sexual connection.
That may seem like a ludicrous conclusion, but I had reasons to think so. Because she had a pretty tough sexual history.
During our years of friendship I had learned that her older half-brother (+5 years) had inappropriately touched her multiple times between the ages of 5 and 8. She tried telling her parents but it seems they never took her seriously or really understood what she was trying to say. This left her feeling unsafe and confused. What didn’t help either, is that her half-brother was a point of contention between her parents. He was her mother’s son from a previous marriage. Her father had a hard time accepting him as part of the family, making her mother all the more protective of the brother. My wife, noticing the anger around her brother, was also very protective of him. Which left her in an all the more confusing place.
Then things stopped. I don’t know why, but they did. And I suppose they were basically hidden and forgotten by all. My wife got her first serious boyfriend at around 15, the first year of which she still describes as ‘great’, to keep this story short for a change. But after that first year he started to distance himself from her, and she clung on more and more. They semi-dated for the next two years, but it basically became something where she was fully devoted to him, and he would abuse that situation when he felt like it.
Also around this time another chapter is added to the story of the half-brother. There was a family holiday. They went skiing, and during one of the nightly afterparties in a bar, both her and her half-brother got shitfaced and ended up making out. Yeah. Not much later, back at the hotel, he took off her pants and entered her from behind, this time she wasn’t on board with what was happening. It took about ten to thirty seconds before she fell over and got physically ill, both from the alcohol and the situation. The following day she told her parents, and I’m not exactly sure how things went, but eventually the situation settled on: this was very wrong, but you’re both ‘adults’, you were both drunk, you are both equally to blame for what happened. Don’t do it anymore. Case closed. This didn’t sit well with my wife, but she swallowed her thoughts and feelings and that was that.
Now the troubled relationship with her first boyfriend was still in full swing, and from this point on she started having more and more physical relations with other people, and started to mentally detach herself from her body in a way. It became a tool, something to make people like her, something that wasn’t even really a part of her. (These are her words). This lasted two to three years, and went mostly unnoticed by the people around her. It was at the tail end of that period that her parents moved and I met her, still at school. The first time we met was at a school dance, where she basically invited me over to her place. I didn’t take the offer, nor did I respond to her advances in the following weeks. I suppose I had (or have) this white knight internal code, and I didn’t like the fact that she was interested in me without knowing me. It felt off. And at the time I wasn’t at all interested in one night stands or anything like that. I was way too much of a hopeless romantic. That feels ridiculous to type but there you have it. I think it’s true. Still is. Probably also that I needed someone that could give me some sense of security, and I realized that random sexual encounters wouldn’t do that.
Anyway, we did end up becoming friends and I learned about all of this trauma in the following months. I tried helping her but also stupidly pushed her into a relationship with another friend that she wasn’t really interested in. I didn’t realize I was doing that at the time but I see that now. I was well meaning, but an idiot. A harmful one at that. They lasted for a while, even though her heart wasn’t in it, but eventually fell apart. At that point she dove right back into shutting herself off and ‘giving’ herself to whomever desired her. Her confidence simply crumbled, disappeared completely. Seeing her like this shook me so bad that I realized I’d fallen in love with her over the past two years. Though I’ve wondered at times if it was actually some fucking manifestation of my inability to accept that people were abusing her pain. The ultimate white knight move perhaps. Honestly don’t have an answer for that, but I’m also no longer sure it really matters, since she became the love of my life regardless. Anyway, I told her how I felt, which surprised her given how thoroughly I’d rejected anything of the sort in the past. (I was, of course, very much obsessed with another girl, in fact still was right up until I realized my feelings for her). She started playing coy with me, I gave chase, then a few days later we kissed. And so our relationship was born.
Now I didn’t have a lot of sense in my teenage brain but I did make a point out of not having sex straight away, at least not going all the way, considering everything that had happened with her concerning sex, that just seemed like a terrible idea. So we took it slow, and I put a lot of focus on showing her what a wonderful person I saw. How beautiful and kind and caring she was. And that she should try and see that too. That there was no way I was going to leave her, reject her, and I meant it. And it seemed to help. The sex (slowly built up to oral, but no further) was also great (I believe), it was wild, tense, exciting, and there were times where it was really hard not to go all the way. But we didn’t. For the most part, apart from getting professional help, I think we made the right call and handled the situation somewhat aptly. But then we set a date. A particular day on which we would go all the way for the first time. And when it came around, she froze up for the first time. It didn’t feel right to her. Now I’d like to say I was still able to see the big picture at that point, but I was dumbfounded, and here my own insecurities came to the front, big time. I felt utterly rejected, and was visibly shaken. And things stayed like that for an hour or so. We ended up having sex later that night, and at the end she said she really enjoyed it, how nice and different it was to experience this with me. And I suppose she really believed that. But looking back, I’m pretty damn sure we took a turn down a terrible road that night. We shouldn’t have had sex then and there, and again, she probably should have been in therapy instead. Ever since then sex often became something to navigate, where our efforts easily crashed with her becoming uncomfortable. I always stopped when I noticed this or when she asked me to. I always asked her to be upfront, but I realize that she must’ve felt conflicted at times, knowing how every rejection was killing my confidence. She’s told me now that there were plenty of times where I didn’t notice that things didn’t feel right for her, but she didn’t speak up. That one cuts extra deep, because it feels like I’ve been unwittingly raping my wife at times. Which just feels like a whole new trauma for both of us. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time and thought my precautions were effective. What I kept holding onto, and I suppose she did too, is how nice sex seemed when we got past that start, and how close and connected we were outside of the bedroom as well.
It took us about two years to realize things weren’t going to magically disappear and we needed outside help. She ended up getting EDMR treatment, which is a neurological type of therapy that tries to ‘rewire’ your association to traumatic events. It helped, and although it didn’t fix our problems overnight, we saw definite improvement. That felt really big because by this time I had started to focus on the long trend, which still seemed to suggest that, slowly but surely, things were getting easier between us. We generally managed to avoid most pitfalls.
It was another five years before we’d really confront this issue again. Which also feels bizarre to write. I suppose you get used to something and it drifts towards the backburner, even though it clearly needs more of your time and attention. At this time, she had gone to study abroad and after a few months became really distant when we spoke. A little later she told me she’d made out with someone else and didn’t harbor any feelings for me anymore. None. It was like talking to a different person. I was shocked and devastated, especially by her change. We spoke a few more times and her demeanor didn’t change, I didn’t know what else to do at that point, she was acting strange, but clear. I already had a ticket booked to visit her though, and people close to me advised me to go anyway, see if we could turn things around, or at the very least end things in a way that was more representative of the seven years that had come before. So I did. And I’m glad I did, even though it turned out to be one of the worst weeks of my life. Being around someone you love that has all of a sudden shut you out completely doesn’t exactly feel great. But then when I broke down after a couple of futile days, all of a sudden, so did she. And suddenly she was back. For once I’ll spare you the details, but what things seemed to come down to is her lingering survival instinct to simply focus on pleasing the people around her, and shutting out everything else. It had happened on a smaller scale once or twice before when she ended up in completely new situations or environments. So, somehow, we reconnected, but I told her that if there was any possible future left for us, she would have to confront that shit, and lay it to bed once and for all.
So, back home, we started counselling, and from her desire to lock herself away emotionally, quickly ended up focusing on what happened with her half-brother. We had sessions together and apart. She eventually worked her way up to confronting both her parents and brother and really felt like she had finally dealt with a huge weight on her back. Looking back, I regret not realizing how we missed diving into our own past and present at that point. We’d looked at it, but this trauma became the focal point. By the time that had been dealt with, nobody was in the mood for another round of therapy anyway. But we didn’t even realize there was so much more to dissect. We’d looked at the source, but barely at the years of consequences since.
It felt like a dark cloud had been lifted. And it had. And so we moved forward together, victorious once more. All the stronger for it. A year later she returned to her studies abroad, I can’t say I felt as carefree about it as the year prior, but I did trust her, and pushed her to go for it. This time things went fine. I proposed to her not much later, she said yes. We were engaged for a couple of years and during that time she suggested kids. It wasn’t on my mind yet, but it did feel right once it was. So we started trying and succeeded pretty quickly. We’d been together about nine years at this point. Sex still had its issues, but they felt so much smaller than they had been at the start. It also just felt better and better, through knowing eachothers bodies, likes and dislikes. And on average we were still having sex twice a week, with her orgasming nearly every time. Like, seemingly ‘primal’ orgasms. So I was keeping tabs, but never felt like things were turning sour. Quite the contrary. The only thing I’d comment on once in a while, is how the focus had inevitably turned so much towards her, that I felt unseen at times. We’d developed a pattern that worked for her, and didn’t deviate from it too often because of prior results and disappointments. And not wanting to rock the boat, I didn’t really dare push that issue too much. Anyway, in the following years we had a fucking magical wedding, another kid, and bought a house. I’d also like to just mention without details that we’ve been through a lot of other challenges together in the last fifteen years, both between us and the world around us, and always got out on top, together. She’s got a successful career in a job she loves, with plenty of options beyond that should she ever want to switch things up. And concerning sex, in the past year especially, I felt like we had finally, completely, turned a corner. Things felt open, free and passionate.
Imagine my surprise when the news came. In her own words she’d become more and more aware that something was wrong, then finally bit the bullet by getting back in touch with the therapist that helped us through those family sessions. After about four sessions within a month, things were crystal clear to her. She now feels like, in a way, our entire relationship, but especially the sex, is actually another example of her tendencies to put herself second and please the other. Although she admits that our deep friendship was real and me and our bond were crucial in getting her out of the hole she was in back when we met. At this point she feels like she married her best friend, but not so much in a positive way. I should also note that there are other issues. She feels like that tendency to put herself second crops up in other aspects of our relationship for instance, most notably her expression of self, following her own interests. But most of those feel surmountable with actual open communication. There are plenty of areas in which I feel similar, but was for the most part at peace with. Some compromise, to me, is the nature of any relationship.
Like I said three reading hours ago (thank you if you’re still here), after the news of her wanting to leave had sank in a little bit, I started questioning things. The story didn’t seem quite as clear-cut as during our first talk to me. And I was completely taken aback at how fast things seemed to be going. How convinced she was that there was no way to fix this, not even a point in trying. I asked her if there was someone else, which she denied. I asked her multiple times, and she very convincingly and adamantly denied it every time. That’s not to say I fully believe her, even though I’d like to. I’ll also admit that she has not been cold and distant like she was when she had cheated while abroad. She seemed hurt and upset despite being so adamant about this being the end. In the following days I kept asking questions whenever they came up and she was willing and able to answer them. Eventually my mind went back to the period before we had penetrative sex, where I felt like things had been free and careless, however short that lasted. It honestly hurt me to realize upon asking her about it that she hadn’t even considered it, and needed some time to reflect on it. Eventually she told me that there was passion or excitement or whatever you might call it there. But not the kind of ‘I need to have you right now’ feeling she’d felt with her first boyfriend or at least one of her one night stands. Though she’d describe neither of those experiences as positive on the whole. To her this translates as there ‘not being enough passion, if any’ from the beginning. She also believes that if it had been there, it would have resurfaced eventually. To me, considering everything else, that just feels pretty ridiculous, but it’s pretty impossible to argue against a feeling, and I’ve been reminding myself of that whenever I desperately end up trying to. It just ends up with her feeling like I’m not listening, and me digging a bigger hole for myself.
Along the same vein I brought up how she approached me when we first met, how we’d been friends for two years before dating and how that might differ from someone you only just met, how the trauma part could have had all kinds of influence, especially left unaccepted and untreated all those years, how the fact that she was unable to be honest with even herself seems like a red flag indicating the influence of that trauma, and how we were basically now where so many trouble-free marriages also end up after these many years. Not only did none of this really land, she hadn’t really considered them herself either. To her, none of it is really relevant, she’s accepting what she didn’t accept before, and that’s that. You cannot change what’s in your heart, and if you can, you shouldn’t. That would just be artificial manipulation. Again I feel like there’s plenty of evidence to the contrary, and that this is a bafflingly simplistic view of love and passion and trauma, but there’s no point in continuing to argue about it. It only separates us further.
I basically had to beg her for counselling. I said, considering all the commitments we made to each other, considering the enormity of her realization, shouldn’t we take time and help to really explore where we are, where she is, what we might try from here (including time apart), and what others in similar situations have experienced? Fifteen minutes of Googling showed plenty of problems around intimacy after sexual trauma, all the more with somebody you are emotionally close/vulnerable to. So she agreed, but mostly felt kind of obligated and wasn’t really feeling the whole exploration part. I ended up finding a couples counsellor with a background in sexuality and sexual trauma, but after one appointment there she has declared that she’s willing to continue counselling, but preferably with someone else, and only with a focus on ‘how to break this off in a way that’s okay for both of us (and the kids)’. No looking back, no giving time to fight, either for us or the kids’ sake. The past few weeks I’ve been on my best behavior, and far more present than I admit I’ve been in the months before. I’ve tried to avoid discussions as much as possible and just make our time together enjoyable, in the hopes of giving her just the tiniest reason to fight. But it doesn’t matter. She’s dead set on her feelings right now. To her, she was probably only interested in me on an intellectual and emotional level, not an instinctual one, and now that she’s confronted that, she finds it’s not enough to maintain the relationship. Nor explore if she could awaken those feelings now.
This unbudging resolve is the part I’m having the hardest time with. It feels like I’m missing a part of the story. And it makes me paranoid. All of a sudden she was sleeping with her phone next to her, which she never did before (but I’ll admit she wasn’t doing that in the days before telling me). After growing increasingly paranoid and losing sleep I started snooping on her phone but couldn’t find much, except for one nameless text message from someone saying ‘it was nice to see you 😊’. It was a foreign number and I figured it might be spam, but I called it from another phone later and realized it wasn’t. The message was two weeks old, a few days later it was gone. That kicked my suspicions up another gear. I didn’t really have anything but tried confronting her about strange messages I’d seen that disappeared later, which eventually lead her to admit to deleting messages in general, saying she had conversations with her therapist or work stuff that she didn’t want to keep on her phone. This might be common for a lot of people, but personally I’ve never deleted conversations, and I found deleting work conversations pretty odd since they might seem all the more important to archive, so to speak. However, during the conversation I focused on it being a different kind of message I was talking about. A flirty type of message. After a long standoff in which she said she didn’t know what I was referring to and that whatever it was I must have misinterpreted it, I caved and gave her ‘one example’, that being the foreign text message, trying to pretend I’d seen other things as well. Frustratingly, she then said ‘I just figured you might be talking about that’, and explained that she received the message from a pretty distant business associate after a four person video call, it kinda creeped her out, she didn’t reply (true), and that was that. She offered showing the meeting but I take her up on that. Not sure if I regret that. The story was plausible enough in a vacuum, but she couldn’t explain why he had her number but wasn’t a saved contact in her phone, or why she deleted the message weeks later, a few days after I’d expressed concerns about her apparent phone secrecy. She said she didn’t feel comfortable with it. But why then not delete it two weeks back? And it wasn’t like the message was still right at the top of the app, she would’ve had to scroll down to see it at this point.
Other things seemed weird but at the same time incredibly minor. The confrontations were not going anywhere. Eventually I decided that I simply couldn’t trust her at this moment and I had to live with that. But that is definitely easier said then done. It worked for a couple of days, but nearly everything becomes suspicious, and it gnaws at you whenever you’re at a low point. Also, she had successfully kept her therapy process hidden for me for a month, and the night she ended up telling me she came in earlier and gave me a big sweet smile, that felt as genuine as any I’d ever seen. That smile, even though she knew what she was about to tell me later that day or the day after, consistently haunts me. It tells me she’s capable of lying straight to my face when she’s convinced she has to. And do it goddamn convincingly.
Other small stuff has happened in the two weeks since, and I alternate between going completely paranoid and trying not to care. After a particularly tough conversation two nights ago, both of us had a pretty distraught morning, she was visibly shaken, and later on she told me she was going to one of the office spaces still available to her at the moment to hopefully get some work done. She seemed crushed, and I remember thinking ‘this is real, she can’t be lying to me, look at her’. But I still ended up driving past the train station later in the day, on a strange hunch, and ended up finding her bike parked there, which made no sense considering where she said she’d be going. I ended up confronting her once more that evening, without revealing exactly how little I knew, and she eventually admitted that she had met up with a (male) colleague and gone for a long walk. He had seen how distraught she was during the morning team call, and contacted her to see if she was okay. She didn’t want to tell me because she was afraid I would read into it once again. Now there’s plenty of reasons I once again have a hard time swallowing this story. It was also a reasonably big trip for both of them to meet up where they did, and it’s not someone I’ve heard her about often, but apparently she feels close enough to this person to share this story. There’s more to pick apart but again, in the end I’m grasping at straws. Also, I feel like it’s a good time to reiterate that she hasn’t been cold to me, except for her not being interested in trying to save the relationship. But, once again, she lied at a time and in a way where I really expected her to be telling the truth.
I’m at a point where I don’t know what to think anymore. I cannot trust her, but cannot simply walk away and ignore her completely at this point either, because there’s a lot to figure out, and I don’t want to freak out the kids by disappearing etc. I really feel like honesty from her would have helped so much considering all the other crap that has come up. I feel like, in her position, I would’ve nipped the paranoid thoughts in the bud by being extremely open about everything I was doing, including my phone use. But maybe that’s just easy to say from my position. She talks about not wanting to rush things and giving me time to process, but barely realizes that skipping the whole ‘let’s see if we can work on things’ step is already rushing in and of itself. She may be convinced, but I have a lot of catching up to do. The openness would have helped me find some solid ground to work from, to retain a level of trust from which we can decide on our next moves, and allow me to trust in something during all of this. We’re also going to need that to work from in the following years as we’ll be raising our children together apart. Her seeming unwillingness and straight up lies in that area continually make me feel like there’s more to the story, and it sickens me to feel like she’s lying straight in my face all this time. But I’m trying to remind myself that all the strange semi-concrete things I’ve found up till now (the text message, the colleague, a place where she went to work a couple of times), all point in totally different directions, and that she does try to be emotionally available for me. And last but not least, that she’s clearly hurting herself, not happy to finally be rid of this. So maybe there is more to the story, like I think there is, even if that just means more nuance, but who’s to say if she realizes that? It doesn’t automatically mean she’s cheating, even though it might. It’s just very hard to know that she is completely capable of lying to me when she believes it’s the best thing to do. Whatever the exact reason.
Thus it’s become something of a crusade of mine to figure out if she’s cheating or not. Not because I believe that it would be the actual reason she wants to leave me, but because I’d understand her lack of interest in fighting for everything we’ve built, and because I’d know how to comport myself around her for the time being. It would complete the puzzle, I think. I say crusade but at the same time I’ve for the most part held back in following up on that desire to check up on her. I wouldn’t even know how. At this point she doesn’t tell me where she’s going when she works outside, actively ‘tailing’ her myself would no doubt end up being a disaster, she’s changed her phone password after realizing I’d been going through it and confronting her about the text message, and there’s no way I can afford a private investigator. So I’m mostly just fantasizing about it, and sometimes doing ‘lucky guesses’ like when I drove past the train station. But it’s eating me up. There’s enough to deal with already without this at play. If it weren’t for the kids I would’ve simply gone no contact at this point, as without her being open it’s the healthiest route available to me for now I think. But there are kids, and I simply can’t do that before I have a better idea on how to handle things in a way that’s good for them.
Just looking back at this wall of text I’m thinking maybe my brain ends up being a large part of the problem. In talking about putting herself second, she simultaneously expressed often being in awe of me, intimidated by me, inadequate around me, and that because of those things she ends up not being herself around me. I don’t think that’s fair; we’ve discussed those dynamics in the past and I’ve worked really hard to give her space, independence and respect, and there are plenty of areas where I feel absolutely inferior to her, and have expressed that throughout the years. I really believe we have conceded similar ground to one another, and moved more and more towards a mutual respectful balance. But I suppose once again it’s not a matter of rationality. Despite all of the above, it might still truly be how she feels. Denying that to herself all those years certainly wouldn’t have helped, and I can see how it would make her cagier around me in this situation. Afraid to be talked into a feeling she doesn’t feel. If she really isn’t cheating, then the only way I can currently completely the puzzle is through that logic. Maybe if you deny something to yourself for years on end, the last thing you’re prone to do when you finally do admit it, is try and find a way to ‘fix’ that feeling. That probably seems like going straight back to ignoring the problem, even though it’s completely different in the end. So maybe all that is happening here is the fallout of her continual denying of her emotions, which has turned something probably manageable, possibly commonplace even, into something inevitable. It’s incredibly frustrating and painful, because I always thought communication was our strongest asset. We’d been able to overcome so much, share so openly. Turns out there was a fundamental rot present all along, and somehow I didn’t see it.
Okay, I’m well past time to stop. This is me right now. I’m fucked up and confused but thankfully taking care of myself. I’ve been surprisingly active, had luckily already reached out to a therapist a week earlier for different reasons, and am meditating even though my thoughts are pretty much out of control for the most part. I’m working but also take plenty of steps back when I need to. I’m speaking and walking with friends. My wife and I are for the most part still comfortable around each other and do stuff with the kids during the weekends. We still live in the same house for now and often dine with the kids as well. We hug every so often, when either of us expresses the need to. Though that’s steadily declining. It’s a bit of an illusion, and a dangerous one for me I suppose, but at the same time I am very much aware of things being completely different. We slept in the same bed for the first few nights, but at her request we stopped doing that. The grief comes in waves. So do the suspicions, but when those come they keep building and building, making it increasingly hard to think about anything else until I end up confronting her, which can’t be good for either of us. She wants to move towards alternating days in the house and sharing the weekends, before moving out in a few months and having the kids go back and forth. I said I’d like professional advice concerning dealing with the kids before we do any of that. She agreed. Though it irks me that she didn’t bring that up herself. I also feel like I’m in a bit of a financial stranglehold: A few years back I was working a regular job while she finished up college, then switched to starting my own business as she got a job in her field after graduation. We stopped basing our expenses on my income and switched to hers, anything I brought to the table was extra. I’m still building that business. Every year has been better than the last, and I’m close, but do not yet have the financial independence to by myself cover all of the loads that will be coming my way now. She knows this and has said she finds it important to give me time to adjust, but I also feel like it restricts me from speaking my mind, because I could end up forced to sell the house and other things if we have a falling out and her opinion on this changes.
That’s it. Hope this mess was readable. That would at least be somewhat considerate of your time and effort. Thanks for reading. If you feel like you have something to offer, I’d much appreciate any advice or commiseration at this point. But thankfully writing all this down was therapeutic in and of itself.
TL:DR :) ...
Wife and partner of 15 years says she doesn't feel attracted to me, possibly never has, and no longer wants to continue the relationship. All the while ignoring a past filled with trauma and a present with lives that are completely intertwined, including kids.
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2020.11.19 10:55 EffectiveAardvark84 Hidden college sex video

New to this sub. I’d like to tell my story to show others that it’s possible to beat this.
I can’t really remember the first time I used porn. I do remember being about 13 at school, lining up for a class, and someone in the group (not a friend) had brought in a magazine with him to school, opened it up and thought it was funny to shove it in my face. I remember being shocked - had never seen anything like that before - and was actually shaking once I’d sat down at my desk.
During teenage years (so, mid to late 90s) I did not masturbate every day. More like once or twice a week or sometimes less than that. Either to Page 3 girls or nothing, just thoughts. By the time I was about sixteen I’d buy lads mags like Loaded or Front. I remember skipping one class to go to the toilets and masturbate to one of the models. I’d keep them for a few months then throw them away.
I’ve been a shy guy. Looking back, this was due to several factors.
1.Bullying (interestingly, the majority of the bullies at primary school were girls), feeling a bit out of place/not cool enough at an all boys secondary school.
2.Anxiety. I realise now this was partly me feeling inadequate - almost like avoidant personality traits, always feeling others would catch me out for doing something wrong or whatever - but also the dynamic between my parents and I. My mum is very proud, somewhat narcissistic, and when I was growing up she’d show me how to do things, and I may not quite get it right the first time straight off. She get frustrated and say ‘Come here, let me do it, you’re doing it wrong.’ So I’d grown up always thinking I’d mess up, leadings to never take risks, jump out my comfort zone, try new things, speak to new people easily, etc. My dad is definitely a beta. His dad died when he was about 8 so had no male role model growing up. Consequently he never argues with my mum. She shouts or admonishes him for doing something wrong, he says nothing, and slinks off to his study and stays on his computer for hours, not talking. He’s very emotionally stunted and closed, rarely makes eye contact etc. That has been my example growing up as a man. I don’t have a brother.
3.Due to girls at primary school bullying me, I always assumed girls were always out to ridicule me.
4.My parents completely ignored my relationships growing up. Never asked about GFs. Sex was seen as a bit shameful, embarrassing. I grew up not able to be emotionally open with people.
5.No drive. My parents are not driven people. They get stuck in ruts.
At college I lived alone from age 18 to 22. Well, in a flat of four people in halls. At this point I began edging, though at the time (early 2000s) I didn’t know it was called that. At 19 I got into phonesex. I must have spent thousands of pounds on it. I don’t want to know how much I spent on it since then. By the time I was 21 we had internet available in our uni rooms. So I got it. Now most of the time thins were ok. But then curiosity - that awful word - got the better of me. I’d heard other guys talk about porn, but due to my anxiety and shyness some of my mates actually thought I was gay because I wouldn’t comment on a girl’s body when they walked past us. So I looked. And looked. And looked. I started saving videos on disks and printing pictures out.
In that time I had 2 relationships. Sexual encounters were always a bit scary and embarrassing for me. Due to my anxiety I always feared the girl would laugh at me or break u with me immediately after etc.
I then moved back home. I was single for 5 years. At this point my addiction really grew. I had a fairly well paid job but it was sporadic hours. So, I’d not have to get up early every day. I could wake up at 9, go to work at ten, home at 6. I’d stay up til midnight or 1am on weeknights masturbating to porn. I’d print pictures out of glamour models and ‘use’ them. Still did phonesex too.
2010, I met a girl by chance. Amazing. We hit it off, and got together. That girl became my wife six years later. During this time, I kept my growing addiction hidden. When she was out, I’d PMO for two hours or so. I’d save more videos, and start watching more porn. Busty women were my thing. I’d save pics of female Facebook women I found attractive, including my exes.
Sex was fine at first. I lost my virginity to her at 27. She was 23. But then various things started happening. I changed careers, took a pay cut, had to study. Got stressed, ended up with a couple of ED moments when we were having sex.
We got married. At the time I knew I had a problem. When in was in the midst of PMO I’d think ‘I think I’m addicted’ but pride and denial stopped em from acting on that. Whenever my wife went away for a weekend or stayed over at a mates’ house, that’d be a trigger. I’d anticipate the evening ahead. I’d rush dinner to get it out the way, have a shower, then start edging about 10pm. Sometimes I’d not finish til 3am. By this time I was on PH or XH with accounts, log ins, favourites, etc. I’d make vulgar comments about pics of girls on there. I’d plug in a USB HD to the tv to play vids on loop and lay out pics from my collection on the floor. I’d be there for hours at a time. Sometimes I’d think ‘Why am I doing this?’ But I thought ‘I have to do it.’ Still, denial prevented me from getting help. I never told anybody about it. Nobody knew my horrible secret. I did it to escape from my depression, feeling that I was not achieving much, or a result of intense insecurity and fear that I was disappointing my wife’s family as I was not a professor or on 50k a year like the other men in her family.
In 2017 I slipped up twice. Wife caught me with pics on my phone from PH or XH. Again, glamour shoots, nothing obscene. We slept separately for one night. She asked if we needed counselling, and I said no.
By 2018 I was messaging phonesex workers. I’d paid two women for them to send me photos (one payment to each, no face, in underwear). We emailed a few times. It almost turned into an emotional affair, me declaring my love for these faceless women. I didn’t love them at all. I said it to make them carry on messaging me; to get the dopamine hit. It then led to me putting a photo of one of my sisters in law in this chat with one female phonesex operator. I’d make some lewd comments about her; the reason for that was passive aggression. I actually hated my wife’s younger sister as she treated my wife really badly, but my wife thought she was amazing and did no wrong. Actually she was controlling, manipulative, and has an anger problem. I put that photo in that chat to take her down a peg. I quickly deleted the photo in the chat soon after, but the text was still there, including where the phonesex operator said she ‘looked old for her age.’ (!).
My therapist later said: shame leads to secrecy. You’re ashamed of what you do but you must keep it hidden. That makes you more ashamed, which feeds the addiction, which makes you keep it more of a secret.

  1. It kicked off. Woke up for work. It was a Thursday. Out of habit I opened PH on my tablet. Didn’t PMO. Just looked. I then closed the tablet, kissed my sleeping wife goodbye and left her house. About ten mins down the road I realised I hadn’t logged out/closed PH on the tablet. I had a choice then. Could’ve turned back to wipe the evidence away as my wife slept and pretend I’d forgotten my phone charger or something, but I didn’t. 9am I get a furious message from my wife. She’d logged in to my tablet and found PH open, she saw all my posts, my chats, everything, including the comments about her sister.
Unfortunately she ran away to her sister, and told/showed her everything. Told most of her friends straightaway. This of course didn’t help. When things get tough she always quits, panics, runs away, not just in relationships but in many other aspects of her life.
She decided on divorce 24hrs later. Not interested in counselling. Very difficult period followed. I sent her my internet history and phone records every week to prove I was trying to be clean. She seemed to soften in the summer, but then suddenly went no contact for three weeks, then announced by email that she wanted a divorce. She said she was very sad it had to end, but she couldn’t be bothered to wait for me to get better (her words). I started therapy. I even volunteered and eventually took a polygraph test to prove I had not physically been unfaithful, or paid for any more photos etc., as she suspected I had, and that what my wife knew was everything and there was nothing more. I passed easily.
Divorced early 2020. Im living with my parents because I can’t afford to move out. I think about her every other day still. She’s stubborn and has lots of issues herself (parental neglect, remnants of former religious guilt, fear of sex, toxic relationships, possible bipolar, low self esteem), but she was funny, kind and clever, and beautiful.
My therapy finished in 2019. I understand why I went down that hole. I have attempted NoFap on a few occasions. I would usually make roughly ten to 14 days then relapse with PMO. Increasingly, as my confidence grew, I was relapsing less and less. I make more of an effort now. Got some new clothes, get my hair cut more regularly, and did a lot of reading on addiction/relationships, etc.
I have not looked at porn since 2019. I have masturbated since then, but only using my imagination.
Now, I feel good. I relapsed still, but infrequently. I started going to the gym. I now work out five times a week. Watch what I eat. I sleep better. When I get out the shower, I don’t look in the mirror and think I’m ugly. I used to have beard alopecia during my stress/depression bouts. That’s gone. Used to have bad psoriasis on my scalp. That’s gone. My skin is better. My posture is better. I am closer to my sister. I listen more in conversations. I empathise more. I have a few new hobbies, and revisit old ones I let slip.
When I met a friend in town for lunch once he said he did not recognise me as I was walking so confidently; previously I walked hunched, looking down, and fast, scared everyone was looking at me or mocking me. Now, I walk slower and taller.
A mate of mine went to see my ex-wife last month - he’s recently retrained as an electrician and she asked if he could put up some lights in her new flat. He told me that she asked how I was doing; he stuck up for me saying how well I was doing and that I was exercising and looking good. He said she looked annoyed that I’d ‘made an effort’. I suspect her friends and sister told her multiple times that I’d never change, and she’s annoyed I’ve done precisely the opposite of what they assumed I’d do. That pleased me somewhat.
I am now roughly in day 30-40 of a streak of nofap. I’m not religiously counting days. I’ve had two wet dreams in that time but I’m not worried about those at all. Colder showers help. I have been tempted. I have opened up XH sometimes, usually when I think of how frustrating everything was last year. But now, every time I’ve stopped myself. I close the browser, then put Spotify on, or watch some comedy or read, or exercise. I’m fine once I’m in that activity, and the urge has gone. I’m excited about extending my streak indefinitely.
I realised that I AM a good guy. I just stumbled when I was younger. I couldn’t be vulnerable and never opened up. But now I have equipped myself with the appropriate mental tools to avoid that stumble again.
This is a LONG story, but I hope by the time you get to this point you realise that there is a way out. I am so glad I found it. I’m sad I had to lose a marriage, a life, and a house to get here, but I look at how far I’ve come. I feel a lot lighter, if that makes sense. I’m v.2.0 of me now, and that’s great.
It’s not easy. But please, put the effort in and you will see the rewards. We can all beat this addiction.
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2020.11.01 09:18 thr0wawaybcimsad College sex hidden video

I have wrote this 3 times and I keep throwing in lies to make myself sound cooler than I am, and its wrong to do that, and im sorry. So now, I will write the whole truth, 100%, please just offer us some prayers for me, specifically to St. Michael for me as my middle name is Michael, named after him, my confirmation saint is St. Michael, and I always pray to him to protect me.
This might be kinda long, again, I am sorry, but just please, I need just one person to read this and reply to me in the comments with some advice or motivation. (It bounces around a lot because im just duping my thoughts onto this, if you have any questions, let me know) Ok, here it goes....
I am a 20 year old Catholic male. I have Catholic parents who both went to Catholic schools growing up and even Catholic university. My parents remained virgins until marriage, which they got married at 22, then had me. I have gone to Catholic school all my life until last year when I went to junior college.
Growing up, I was in the 'popular' kids group because i was such a good athlete. It was like this all the way until middle school, where I met my current best friends. The problem was, my current best friends are considered 'nerds'. They are into video games and things like that, stuff that wasn't considered 'cool' in middle school. I shared an interest in both athletics and video games, and as soon as I started hanging out with the 'nerds', almost all of my 'cool' friends abandoned me.
Also in middle school, I had my first real girlfriend, and she kissed me on the cheek one time, we broke up like a month later.
In 7th grade, I had another girlfriend, and we dated until freshman year of high school. We never did anything physical, but we would often 'sext' I guess, and we would tell each other all the dirty things we wanted to do, but idk, we never did anything, not even kiss.
This breakup didn't really hurt me too bad because I was excited to try and hang out with and get to know all these new absolutely stunning girls. I was excited for high school because I didn't want to have that 'nerd' stereotype associated with me anymore, I wanted to go back to being the 'cool' kid that hung out with the athletes and the hot girls.
Freshman and sophomore year of high school, I made it my goal to find my dream girl so that we could become 'high school sweethearts'. I also wanted to change my identity back to the 'cool' one. My athletics made me believe I could achieve these as I was a varsity baseball player freshman year at a large school. I had my eye set on this one girl whos name was 'Sophie'. Sophie was the best looking and the most popular girl in the grade, and I would talk to her whenever I could.
Also in highschool, I started hanging out with two of my neighbors, one guy, one girl, who were in the same grade as me and who were not only both in the 'cool' group, but were both some of the most popular in the grade.
The problem was, whenever we hung out us three and with other popular kids, I just felt out of place. Because I was out of place. I didn't want to drink or smoke or do anything like that, I just wanted to hang out with them for them, have fun based off of our charisma and character, not just have fun by drinking or smoking or vaping.
I was in this awkward stage where I would hang out with all of the popular kids in school, but as soon as they would hangout outside of school, I was never invited, always left out. And it hurt. The only popular kids that would hang out with me were my neighbors that I grew up with, but even then, they would spend most of the time focused on each other, I was the 'third wheel' of a friendship, imagine that. And whenever their other friends would come over or something, you could just forget I was even there, it felt like I was just there out of sympathy maybe, it felt like I was being used and I never had anyone who wanted to truly care about me.
I achieved my goal, I was hanging out with the 'popular' kids, I was talking to the 'hot' girls, but they never really cared about me. I was trying to be someone that I was not.
This girl Sophie is what kept me holding on longer than I should have. Sophie, like I said, was the most popular girl in the school basically, but she was actually super nice. For a good while, she was the only 'popular' girl that was true and real with me, she was genuinely nice, she would snapchat me, we would do homework together.
The problem was, I don't think that she liked me enough that she would ruin her reputation as the most popular girl in the school. She would only talk to me in private basically, never in front of the rest of the 'popular' kids, never at school in the cafeteria or study hall, only when we would see each other in the hall and we were alone, or if we got lucky enough to sit next to each other in class, and NEVER outside of school. If we were talking and some other 'popular' kid came, she shifted 90% of her attention to them. They just had more to talk about because they were in the same clique, the same friend group, I was the guy who was trying to get there, but I just wasnt in yet, so she would talk to the person who was actually in.
This really dragged me down. I was confused, sad yet optimistic that everything would work out and I would be able to bag my dream girl. I loved everything about her, her personality, her looks, her faith, everything. Sophomore year homecoming, Sophie told me that she would be down to go to the dance with me, I was ecstatic, my high school was about to be made. Literally that night, and for a couple days after this news was made known around the grade and the school, EVERYONE started treating me different. EVERYONE saw me as this true popular kid that I wanted to be. It was insane, it was crazy to have people want to hang out with me, it was crazy to feel wanted.
I was about to be popular again, I was going to be happy again, or so I thought.
A few days later, the most popular guy from an even bigger school than mine asked Sophie to their homecoming instead, which was on the same day as ours, and she told him she would go. This just absolutely crushed me to the core. I was so close to finding my happiness, and I feel like my dream girl slipped right through my fingers. And as quickly as the popularity came, the popularity disappeared. Since I was not going to be with Sophie, all of the other popular kids just dropped me again, I wasn't wanted again.
Sophie was never a huge drinker, she did it a couple times to maintain her 'popularness', she never liked smoking or vaping, and she was a virgin who wanted to maintain a virgin until marriage. After this dance with that super popular guy from the other school, she changed. She started drinking more, she started hooking up with a ton of guys, she got so popular, she started dating a guy 2 years older than us, a senior. I stood no chance with her anymore.
Even worse, my good 'nerd' friends were realizing I was changing, purposely avoiding them at school, despite them wanting to hang out with me in an effort to show that I was a popular kid now, I didn't hang out with nerds, in school, that was. Because I would hang out with my 'nerd' friends almost every weekend, we played videogames almost every night together, yet once we got to school the next day, I acted like I didn't like them, like I was better than them, like I didn't want to associate with them, despite me actually only feeling like myself when I was with them.
I soon realized, I was doing the same thing to them that the popular kids were doing to me. I knew how bad they felt that I was leaving them behind for 'better' people because I had that same thing happening to me.
As hard as it was, I decided I didn't want to be fake anymore, and I started hanging out with my nerd friends again. I almost completely lost contact with all the 'popular' kids, yet I knew them enough that we still talked in school sometimes, it was an awkward stage.
It was really hard for me to let go of my 'popularness' because of my athletic ability, I was always with the jocks because we were the athletes, I was just the only 'nerdy' athlete. But since I was always around the popular athletes, I couldn't give up my popularness that easily.
Junior year, I thought all of that would change. I found a new group that I didn't know existed, the 'popular nerds'. These were the guys who were popular but still appreciated 'nerdy' things as well. It was great, I felt a lot more like myself with these guys, and I found a way to be popular and nerdy, my true self. I tried to get my true nerdy friends to join me with the new, bigger group, but they wouldn't budge.
My nerd friends thought they were too nerdy, and they were terribly antisocial, so it made taking my 3 og nerd friends to this new, 10 popular nerd friends nearly impossible.
Soon, the popular nerds discovered the wonders of alcohol and drugs and vaping, and my chance at happiness was again destroyed. I didn't want to be apart of any of that, so as a result, I stopped getting invited to hangouts where they did all those things, which meant they all became closer together without me. Soon enough, I was the outsider yet again. They would still hang out with me at school, still talked to me, still let me eat at their lunch table, but as soon as school ended, I was forgotten.
Senior year, I decided I was done with feeling unloved and uncared for. I was committing fully to my nerd friends now, and I did, and as much as it hurt to physically witness my social status drop day by day at school, it kinda felt good, because I was with 3 people that cared about me. Except during this time, my nerd friends branched out to the 'mega nerds' (not tryna be mean, just tryna put it into perspective) and they now had one big 'mega nerd' group where my 3 just 'nerd' friends basically ran.
This, I was not down for this. I did not click with the 'mega nerds' at all, yet my 'nerd' friends fit right in with them. So imagine this, I was YET AGAIN on the outside of a friend group. Slowly, my 3 best friends since grade school turned into me and 1 other friend. 2 of the 3 basically moved to create their own group with the 'mega nerds', so now I had 1 friend, one loyal person, one person to talk to and be myself with. My other 2 'nerd' friends would still hang out with me and the other nerd, but we were now second place. All I had was my 1 nerd friend.
Also senior year, I had a girl interested in me. She was apart of the 'supernerds' and she was also seriously hated by the populars, and she happened to have a major crush on me, and her friend had a crush on my one other best friend. I was so deprived of attention, I lead her on, even though I had no intention of seriously considering her as a romantic partner.
I was acting terribly, i shouldnt have acted interested, I should have told her I wasn't and moved on, but I was so deprived of attention and just wanted someone to care for me, so I never told her no. When she asked to hang out, I didn't want to at all, but since I didn't want to disappoint one of the only people who appreciated me, I said yes. My best friend also was the same, not wanting to disappoint the girl that liked him and cared for him, we both said yes.
We went on many 'double dates' you could say to the movies and stuff, they would always ask for hugs or whatever at then end, and we always did, not wanting to disappoint. This made the girls think we were interested, we werent.
The girl that liked me, whos name was Morgan, then started to realize that I was not as interested in her as she was in me, so she appealed to my weakness. Im sorry if this is too provocative, but Morgan had absolutely huge boobs, and me being a horny, deprived of physical interaction from women, loved her big boobs. Again, I messed up big time here, she started snapchatting me selfies instead of texts, and she noticed I started responding more. Why? She started showing off her cleavage in every snapchat, and I couldn't get enough of it.
Finally, I had another female truly interested in me, and I didn't want it to end, despite morgan and I's relationship relying on her buying my attention by sending me provocative snapchats. I should have ended it, I hated morgans personality, but I just didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't interested in her, the only part about her I was interested in was her body, which is where I messed up again. I should have ended it, I should have been mature and not let my lust get the better of me, but it did.
Eventually morgan started sending snapchats in tanktops, highlighting her boobs. I would respond in 30 seconds for 3 hours straight just because I loved looking at her body. Eventually, she started sending me pictures of her in her bra. Then she sent me pictures of her with her naked but just showing her face. Then she send me pictures of her naked only covering her nipples with her hand and arm. And finally, she started sending me full on nudes. She knew that she would have my attention by showing off her body to me, and I was too dumb and horny to end our 'relationship' and tell her the truth, but again, I didn't want to lose the only other person who cared about me.
This is when lust got the better of me. After hearing about all the stories of people hooking up, being flooded with sex and lust over TV, social media, everywhere, I fell into the temptation as well. I began screen recording and masturbating to the pictures morgan would send me, without her knowledge. She thought that I would open the snaps and they would go away, but I was secretly saving them to my own personal 'spank bank' and would use her nude snapchats to masturbate.
It made me feel TERRIBLE afterwards, but I just felt always horny all the time at this point, I wasn't strong enough to resist temptation completely, so I masturbated. And masturbation brought me happiness.
These fake porn videos of pornstars complimenting the camera, telling the camera how much they love it, telling the camera how much they cared about the man in the porno, it made me feel like they were talking to me. These pornstars made me feel cared about while I was masturbating, but as soon as it was over, I felt absolutely crushed. I knew how bad it was what I was doing, and I vowed to stop my dirty habit every time after I finished it.
Then the next day rolled around, I would get turned on, and I would just have to masturbate. And I would, and I felt happiness for 30 minutes, followed by extreme sadness, followed by a vow to quit, and the cycle would repeat the next day. And the next. and the next. And soon, I was addicted to masturbation.
I cut off all temptation, I grew the balls to tell morgan that I was done with her. I told her that I just didn't think we were compatible, but she was crushed. She begged and begged for me to change my mind, but I stood strong. I was back to having one person who cared about me.
A week later, I returned to my same dirty habit. I would pull up the hidden folder on my phone, go to all the pictures of morgan, and masturbate. At this point, I cut porn out of my life, so I saw this as a win, i didn't see anything wrong with this. I would just quietly do my dirty deed then close the folder like it never happened.
A couple months later, I was depressed, I needed someone to talk to, someone to care about me, my one best friend and my other friends pulled a cruel prank on me and it hurt me bad. So i reconnected with the one person I knew would care about me: morgan.
Morgan was there for me in my dark time, the problem was, she tried to make me feel better giving me the thing that she knew I loved the most, her body.
She went back to sending her nudes to me, but this time she sent everything, every body part, and she sent videos too, videos of her doing provocative things, and I loved it, so I didn't stop her. And I, again, went back to masturbating to the pictures and videos morgan sent me, then I would feel terrible about it, only this time, I couldnt cut her off, I needed her to be there for me, even though I didnt care about her. It was so messed up.
Eventually my friends and I got over our fight, my 2 friends that left me kinda came back to me, so I was back to 3 people I could trust, and I didn't need morgan anymore, but I wanted her body, so I kept masturbating with her over the phone, everynight for like 2 months straight, I should have stopped it sooner.
Again, I grew a pair and broke things off with her, it was just a bad relationship and would only lead to unhappiness for both of us.
This happened at the start of quarantine, and nothing really happened for that entire time, until about 4 weeks ago. I was deprived of love and affection again, and I made a post on like a dating subreddit kinda thing, and this girl, an 18 year old, said she liked me and thought i looked hot, and after she proved she was legit, I thought she looked hot too, and I was eager to gain some experience with women under my belt, so we made a plan to meetup.
She was going to drive 6 hours to meet me in my hometown, we were going to get a hotel, and we were going to have the most dirty, hardcore sex for an entire weekend. I was going to go from only getting a kiss on the cheek to doing all the most dirty, hardcore sexual things in one day. I was tired of being made fun of for not having any interactions with women, so I planned on going from most prude to least prude in one day.
Me and this girl were texting each other about all the dirty things we were going to do, and it turned me on so much, we started trading nudes while dirty talking each other and telling each other all the things we were going to do. It felt so wrong, but it felt so good. On top of our sexual talking, we also became great friends too. We had a ton of the same interests, and I was really starting to trust her and consider starting a real relationship after we were done with our weekend of fun.
We got so close, I trusted her so much, I felt like I had to be 100% transparent with her. A few days before she was going to come down, I told her I was a virgin, and that she was going to be the first girl I ever hooked up with.
And with that, four weeks of talking and sexting 4+ hours a day were thrown down the drain. She literally laughs in my face, makes fun of me, then blocks me on social media.
So now we are here, November 1st, 2020. I am a sophomore in college. I still play baseball, but I only have 1 true friend, I have had literally 0 physical interaction with any female, and I am going back to the lie that I was some popular jock who pulled all the hot girls.
I told my team that I was still a virgin and I have been getting made fun of. I told my team that I never really drinked and I was made fun of. I told my team I never smoked and I was made fun of.
So finally, at the end of all of this, I have a question...

Was it worth it? Was it worth it trying to be a good Catholic by abstaining from premarital sexual interaction? Was it worth avoiding alcohol and weed and vaping because I didn't want to sin?
If you ask God or Jesus, they would say yes, and for me to keep fighting the good fight.
If you ask anybody else I know, they would say no and call me dumb and weird and a prude.
If you ask me, I don't know. I want to please God and Jesus, I want to go to heaven, I love Jesus and the faith, but i'm afraid that all the challenges that this fight has given me are just going to make me snap. I am trying to keep my virginity until marriage, but that will be a waste if I can't even find a compatible partner. I don't know how much longer I can take this lack of love. I literally almost just threw away all of my ideals and beliefs just because I am super horny and tired of being made fun of for being a virgin.
I have considered suicide multiple times, the only reason I haven't gone through with it is because of 1, my family, 2, baseball, and 3, it's a sin. I would rather sin by having sex with a different girl every weekend than sin by killing myself.

Ever since I was younger, I promised I would save my virginity for my wife, for my bride, to unite us not only in spirit, but in body. I want to give my future wife the gift of my body.
Please, all I ask is that you pray to St. Michael for me. Pray to St. Michael and to Jesus and to Mother Mary to help me continue to fight the good fight, for me to continue to follow the faith, and for me to avoid temptation as best as I can. Pray for me to continue to hold onto my virginity for my future wife, and pray for me to find some more good, holy friends that truly care about me, and about God.
Thank you for reading, God bless.
submitted by thr0wawaybcimsad to Catholicism [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 09:26 Pekinaso Hidden college sex video

LONG POST AHEAD. Tldr at the bottom. Honestly, I've been needing to vent about this for literal years. I'm writing this on my phone so sorry in advance for inevitable typos.
To introduce myself, I am a 22 year old Latina who lives in a "Catholic" (super lax on religious beliefs) household with a Dominican mom (51) and Puerto Rican dad (53, about to be 54). I was a pretty sheltered kid growing up but was always mostly obedient and studious. I did well in school, I didn't cause much trouble, I was a good kid with a pretty good amount of freedoms, though I was never allowed to attend or host sleepovers and I didn't hang out with friends very much. But growing up, everything went downhill after high school. I think it started either in freshman year or junior year, I can't quite remember anymore.
First thing that happened is I lost the freedom to play video games, one of my biggest hobbies, from Monday—Thursday, even if I had finished all my homework. No 1 hour, no 30 minutes, nothing. But Fridays after school, and the weekend, plus any holidays were all for me to do what I wanted. It's not a super serious change, but this is important for the future. It'll start snowballing really fast now.
So senior year rolls around, I'm pumped, I'm ready to kick 12th grade's ass and graduate. Until one particular class started kicking me down really bad. Remember how I said I did well in school? Well, I was usually a 4.0/A student, and failure frightened me because a failure usually meant some sort of punishment at home, which could be anywhere from losing a beloved hobby like gaming or drawing to getting a whooping with a belt. This class was ridiculous in its grading and handed me Ds and Fs, all of which were jarring and riddled me with anxiety. This class, on top of personal drama unfolding among friends in which I got caught up in and eventually led to me catching strong romantic feelings (another long story), was the catalyst for the depression I still have today.
Sidenote on how depression is, or at least was, viewed amongst my parents: a weak mentality. Suicide was also a weak mentality.
Back to the story. I tell my parents about my unhappiness with the class, they offer to help me transfer out. This is probably my fault, but it was already 4-5 weeks into the quarter and I didn't want to risk joining an easier class late and missing key knowledge. I chose to stay in the class (plus side: I got college credits out of it!) At home my parents do not have any sort of mercy. They keep checking my grades and are seeing an influx of Cs and lower.
Another sidenote: anything less than an A was garbage and a disappointment. Even an A- was shaky territory. B+? I have spit on my ancestors.
They proceed to make my life a living hell. Every hobby I love is gone, forbidden. I'm yelled at daily, my intelligence insulted. I'm not physically attacked, but the words hurt. I consider taking my life for the very first time on October 17, 2015, at 16 years old. I tell my parents. They are upset. My mom cries. My dad hides his emotion behind anger. They hit me with the typical "why are you doing this to us?" It turns out nobody cared about what I had to say, based on how the next years turned out.
October 20th, 3 days later, I enter my first serious and public relationship in 3 years, my first real relationship in 2 years (my second ever relationship was never public). But for a time, the relationship is hidden from my parents, who disallowed me from having a boyfriend. I tell them the news roughly a month later, they're surprisingly supportive though they don't like my choice due to an incident with my boyfriend 4 years prior where he was caught asking me for nudes and my mom went absolutely mental.
ANYWAY, all seems to be well, except in school. I've succumbed to the bullshit grading method of the class that kept failing me, and the attitude stretched to other classes as well, namely Art. This was especially bad because I always had a passion for drawing ever since I was little, so to see my favorite hobby wither away and die definitely affected me horribly. I pretty much failed that class, though I managed to pass the other class with at least Cs. I was no longer a 4.0 student, though it seemed that I had made some peace with that. It didn't help though, that my later failing grades were starting to be the fault of my boyfriend according to my parents, even though that was largely untrue.
Fast forward to graduation. I graduate. The rest of the day falls to shit because I lost my parents in the crowd, because I had forgotten where to find them (my memory took a major nosedive during senior year due to major lack of sleep, which rudely disturbed the perfect 8-hours-a-night sleep schedule I always had in my youth). My father throws a wild tantrum, yelling and me and belittling me. On the way to the car my mother tells him he "ruined everything", and he reacts by leaving the car and walking off, intent on walking home. We chase him down in the car. We catch up many times, but it takes multiple attempts to be able to pull over and talk to him. It's the first and only time I've seen my father cry. He gets in the car and we go home without further celebration. My mother never gets it in her head that she hurt my father with what she said, and continues to blame both me and him for the events of that evening. I'm still kicking myself over it today.
This is where my memory gets fuzzy, but my parents start getting strict regarding my relationship. Seeing my boyfriend every week turned into every other week, then every 3 weeks, then once a month. Then once every other month. Then longer. And longer. When I started my freshman year at college, I was now EVEN MORE forbidden from playing games; even my Fridays were being hijacked. This was especially not cool considering I had just purchased an Xbox One S with my first paychecks from my first job that summer, and was already making some good online friends. But whatever, I swallowed my disappointment and proceeded as usual.
Things got worse. Again, more fuzzy memory, but there were multiple instances where my mother put her hands on me. At first she would pull me by the hair and shake me, but it escalated to where she'd put her hands around my neck and attempt to choke me. I can't remember the reasons why, other than her blowing something ridiculously out of proportion (like me not changing my bedsheets in a timely manner or talking too loud through Xbox party chat) and thus angering me with her needlessly confrontational attitude, and then getting angry in response to my sass. I was no longer allowed at my boyfriend's house due to my mother's lack of trust because "there's no way your boyfriend loves you, he only wants sex!", and he was no longer allowed at mine because of "lack of manners" and my personal decision to avoid tension and anxiety.
Sidenote: remember how I mentioned "Catholic" household? Yeah. The sanctity of virginity applies here.
My parents become so micromanaging and helicopter-y that they essentially chased my boyfriend of 3.5 years away (we ended up getting back together and have now celebrated 5 years, so there's a happy outcome; though my parents are still unaware of this fact and I'm unsure of how to break the news...)
These days my mother continues to degenerate mentally, getting moodier and crazier and inventing more rules for me to prevent me from accessing my hobbies. I'm pretty sure she's also been messing with the internet at night, or at least telling my father to, to limit my nightly activities (hard to play Xbox without internet). As for my father, he stopped arguing with my mother and now takes her side on every ridiculous decision she makes even if he doesn't stand for it. He even took her immediate side the last time she put her hands on me and told him I PUT MY HANDS ON HER (I was able to convince him that was false but holy shit man). My mother is now even the type of person to care more about herself and her image than others': due to my intended major rejecting me twice, I'm being forced to take an extra year of undergrad college, and even them I'm still unsure if I'll need even more quarters after this 2020-2021 year. My mother threw a fit over this, because "now she doesn't know what to tell people when they ask about my schooling or graduation", as if the graduation is for her instead of me. She still hounds me about it now. I've gotten to the point where I no longer wish to talk about school, which for some reason makes her upset and confrontational. A more recent story is how she pretty much used my birthday, which just passed, as an excuse to do nice stuff for me and then had me cleaning the day after, belittling me and insulting me about some mold growing in my bathroom that I had told her about months ago but she conveniently "forgot" and acted as if I'd kept the mold a secret. It's always nice to be depressed and have a low self image, which she definitely knows about because I don't keep it hidden or secret, and still being called "disgusting", "lazy", "disappointing", and "a pig".
TLDR: my mother is batshit crazy and moody as hell, she berates me all the time and constantly makes new rules to sabotage my happiness and hobbies and fun, and sometimes she tries to choke me out. My father does nothing but take her side 95% of the time, and both have made serious negative impacts to my social life, and mental and emotional health. But neither will ever take responsibility for that or accept that they've hurt me.
submitted by Pekinaso to insaneparentstories [link] [comments]


2020.10.03 19:43 DumbestLesbianEver Hidden college sex video

Tl;dr: I tried very hard to get laid and the universe clam-jammed me in all the ways it could, including fed-ex freight, a dead body, and a security guard. I continued to try despite every warning that I should just give up and go home.
To preface, throwaway because good God, I do not want my colleagues to know what an idiot I am. This happened just a few nights ago. I've been pretty staunchly in shelter-in-place for the past 4 months as I have an immune disorder among other health issues and getting COVID would be very bad for me. Unfortunately I did not expect my state to utterly fail at controlling this pandemic. I was a fairly sexually active person prior with a pause for two months before the pandemic, and I have been getting a little crazy pent-up with not being able to pursue that part of my life.
So I finally decided I needed to address my situation and thought "let's see about getting myself a single COVID fuck buddy for a bit because I am dying."
But my previous FWB are like partnered up now and shit. So I go to Tinder. Talk to a few people, get kind of hyped up, then not setting up a meet because the immune disorder part of me is terrified of COVID and who knows if these new people are good at distancing.
As any good lesbian does I have most the people I've ever boned on my Facebook because what is lesbian culture other than immediately being best friends with everyone you've failed to have a romantic relationship with. Turns out one of the most gorgeous people I've had the luck to be with who now lives in another state is visiting a few towns over (like 45mins?) to visit for a family member's birthday. Cool. She's like, a major sweetheart too. We Snapchat a bit, she makes a terrible pun about me sending pussy pics when I send her cat snaps, then she asks to video call. And I'm thinking like, omg she sounds like she wants to do more than catch up. Promising.
I recall she's a boob gal, I swiftly set up for maximum cleavage tastefully visible because why not, and she was talking about her day, her new tesla she's dorking over but ran out of power on the road with today. She's getting max flirty, keeps saying how I'm so cute and she forgot how cute my personality is (for the record I'm a fucking nerd and work in animal behavior and had literally just cited a study to her, she is definitely just horny), she mentions her grandpas dogs and how she wonders if she might need to be alpha to get them to like her and I'm like oh no maybe don't (shush you beautiful creature let's never talk about your thoughts on dogs again or I swear to god your email inbox will be filled with every relevant study I've ever read). Then sends me a pic of two bottles of wine in her hotel room. Not letting that pass me by so I half-joke about how it sounds like she is trying to get me to come over. No one is going to dare call me a useless lesbian, right?
And she's like, omg, really, please. Then maybe strips on video chat while I waffle about the drive a little because it's like midnight after we had talked for an hour. She makes a very persuasive offer to make it worth my while. She had just started on the first bottle and I was like LET'S ROLL. As I said, it was a very persuasive offer.
So I go and of course my gas was completely empty because when is the last time I left my house? Who knows, I've just been turning my car on for maintenance. She gives her hotel room number, I get on the road, make it out to the freeway.
It's a two lane freeway and there's pretty much no one out because it's like 1am at that point. Low visibility, super dark, no lights on the freeway past town, there's a fucking car driving on the wrong side coming straight at me and thank god hits the semi ahead and to the right of me and spins to bounce off the barrier. Barely missed me, I slammed on my brakes. So I'm then calling 911 for this wreck ahead of me and have another semi stopped next to me (they had thankfully already heard a report about the driver so were en route but I was able to tell them what mile marker it was at). Semi is fine. Both lanes of the freeway are trashed, police pull up fast, say "it's going to take a while." So I sit in my car and the driver is unresponsive and the entire car is crushed and trashed so I'm not sure they're even alive and the police are just standing there watching the car like it's a sleeping bear they're contemplating sneaking around.
Eventually ambulance and fire truck comes but it takes them like 45 minutes to even move the person and they're like slowly dragging them out of the wrecked car. Another police car comes and blocks part of the view from everyone but me and the body is loaded up. Total almost 2 hours elapse and I had called gal but unfortunately she seems to have fallen asleep with the first bottle of wine.
I knew it would be kosher if I still went and knocked on her door to wake her up but she had family shit and I felt like she needed her sleep - we could always hang the next day if she was up for it.
I was starving after waiting for two hours so I get off the next exit I can for food and as I'm in the car munching on chicken nuggets, I realize I watched a dead man get moved 20 feet away, it could have also been me, and I am suddenly not so keen on getting back on the freeway. So I'm on my phone and I get a random text from another friend and the conversation turns into what am I doing outside a McDonalds at 4am terrified to drive.
And so she's like "hon, let me take care of you. I get off work in an hour." She works nights and her roommate is fucking insane and won't let her have people over so we never really got around more than a little fooling around. I can't have her come over because I had a dog throw up all over my sheets earlier and was counting on staying somewhere else that night so I didn't stay to move them to the dryer (now I wish I had to avoid all this bullshit).
She says unfortunately you can't come over because of the insane roommate, but hey I've got my strap on in a bag in the car, and also we already know you're into car sex. Absolutely, yes, let's counter-condition my sudden fear of cars hard and fast. That'll probably work. Also, I'm already out risking pandemic exposure at the gas station and getting fast food and I'm not necessarily in my right mind whatsoever, all I know is a hard top offered to fuck my brains out in the back of her nice car with heated seats and who would turn that down?
So I wait and pop over about 5 minutes from her work because I don't have to take the freeway and she's like "I'm super sorry, they just brought in another load of freight and my boss is making me unload it, can you wait a little longer?" And she makes a very persuasive argument for me waiting (I'm a real sucker and they are really nailing my kinks tonight).
Cue another hour of waiting, then as she's clocking out HER MANAGER stops her to talk for another twenty minutes and she almost has to drop "I have to leave to bone someone!" To get out of there.
We finally meet at 5:30am, I get into her car, she drives a ways down to an area she's used before with an ex (apparently slight exhibitionism is a common factor in her lays) and the area is suddenly FILLED with houseless folks/cars who have like bonfires going and we're like shit mass protests + shutting down parks with pandemic + wildfire evacuations have led to a mass move of people to this area.
So we need a plan B because once in college a gal boned me in the back of her minivan downtown and a transient ended up peering into the tinted windows and I do not want to relive the experience of guilt over not wanting to meet their eyes in case they try to ask me for something and the simultaneous shame of my hedonism as they make eye contact the exact moment I'm coming.
Plan B was drive back over to the industrial area she works in and she was like, ok cool this area is empty and security isn't usually out this late (early), plus freight won't quite be coming in yet. (As we find out, all of these statements were wrong.)
So we're fooling around and maybe we should have been a little quicker but she genuinely asked about my dogs by name and I couldn't not tell her they were all still good boys and girls. By the time we're making out a freight truck drives by down the way but they might've noticed us probably because those damn in-dash touch screens are bright as fuck. And of course the freight is early and freight is determined to ruin everything.
But we go for it anyway and she's got three fingers inside of me and I have this massive strap in my mouth because idk some lesbian tops like simulated oral like that and I'm not into it but by golly if a top is going to do me a solid I will be game and willing for that shit, you betcha.
And then she's like "OH FUCK". And the fucking security car is driving down the way like they're not just a glorified mall cop. We shove the strap on in her pants just in time and that's hidden but she and I and her arm are stuck so I just throw a jacket over my bottom half. He obviously thinks we're up to some shit because we're in the backseat of this car and he talks to us for a while about it being a commercial area and we needed to move the car even if we were just "hanging out". I think he caught that there was no booze or drugs so he had to make the connection of it as a sex thing? SecurityBoy and us had a super casual five minute chat while I was stuck in the seat with her fingers inside my quickly drying lady parts while I prayed for him to go harass some other horny couple. They were somewhat painfully removed after he left as I found that while I was not very concerned about SecurityBoy snitching to the real Popo, that level of public performance is Definitely Not My Thing ™.
So we pack up and leave, and by that I mean I trip out of the door to the backseat with my pants stuck around my knees because I am graceful as fuck. Nimble as a lopsided butterfly, I get into the front seat and we drive off, and I realize I have lost my underwear somewhere. She tries to be handsy but she is also as I discovered earlier a TERRIBLE DRIVER so it did not work out to have her focus elsewhere and I did not need any renewed car trauma.
We get back to my car, she tries again but the sun is pretty much up now - she makes a casual mention of our local police and my brain decides to clamjam itself with a sudden flash of ~oh shit police pulling a body out of the car in front of me I think he was DEAD~. I skimmed the event earlier for her and maybe missed the dead part but my brain decided to betray me and deliberately euthanize any leftover amorous feelings I may have had. She offers to make up for it another day.
So I get in my god damn car to go home but am then blocked in for another twenty minutes by MCDONALD'S FUCKING FREIGHT. By then I am so fed up with everything that I manage to drive home without thinking about the drunk driver.
I finally get home and lo and behold, prior girl wakes up and texts me "you could have knocked on the door! I'm so sorry I fell asleep" and second girl starts sending nudes. Great gals, thanks, super helpful.
So I decide to jill out my final frustrations to go the fuck to sleep and I'm like cool I'm home with my handy-dandy toy selection.
Every. Vibrator. Is. Dead.
I am about to cry but hey, I have hands as well as multiple instances of blueballs stacked onto potential shock and emotional trauma. So I try hands and just get started before I hear a piercing yowl and my cat tears through the rubber seal between the a/c and the window to break into the bedroom like a furry, enraged, tiny hulk. He trots over and sits on my hand that I had just been trying to use and claws the shit out of me when I try to push him off. The cat has thus decided that no activities are to happen in his home.
So I gave up. Literally everything in the universe was against me releasing 6 months of pent up libido. I did not get off, I did not pass go, I maybe collected many samples of potential pandemic germs, and nothing was worth leaving my house over.
I have since turned down multiple invitations to make up for the events as I am fearful of being smited by my neverending bad luck again.
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2020.10.01 16:20 HaulA1Oct Hidden college video sex

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submitted by HaulA1Oct to u/HaulA1Oct [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 23:56 ChonkyBeagle Hidden college sex video

My boy, my oldest child, was so good when he was little, but something broke inside of him when he was a teenager.
My wife and I always accepted, loved, and encouraged him. We pushed him to work hard and treat people with respect. I don’t know where exactly we failed him but as a father I feel responsible for the thing he’s turned into.
It started when he was 14. He had began to become withdrawn and emotional. We chalked it up to teenaged mood swings. For some reason he was just so angsty and bitter all the time. We were worried about his lack of social life and his over-reliance on his computer. He kind of hid himself in the online world so my wife and I began to limit his computer time, but he simply became more aggressive and confrontational.
His hygiene was bad, and he was always confrontational when we told him to shower or do laundry. His room stank horribly and we eventually had a huge fight over it where he physically shoved my wife and called her a bitch, and eventually we got him to at least clean and air out his room regularly on the grounds that it was our house and if he couldn’t maintain his space he wouldn’t be entitled to it - essentially we got to the point where we told him he wouldn’t be allowed his worldly possessions or privacy unless he took care of the space we all shared. the room still smelled and he was still rude about cleaning it but we could tell him to get it clean and he would do it after that.
We ended up getting a call from his school saying that a female student felt harassed by him. We were shown messages where he continually badgered her to have sex with him, threatened to “punish” her for stringing him along, sending her unsolicited nudes, telling her some violent fantasies of his, and eventually just descending into some horrid rage-filled rant about how she is just another “whore” and other things.
We were shocked. We explained to him why this behaviour was unacceptable, and I explained to him that it was ok to be sexually active but his actions were toxic and abusive.
I tried mentoring him man-to-man, taking him on camping trips and whatnot and talking to him about women and girls and trying to give him advice. I suggested he try showering, changing up his hair and facial hair styles, trying out different fashion styles, maybe going to the gym.
I told him some hard truths - that he doesn’t want a gross woman so he shouldn’t be a gross man. By gross I mean hygiene and looks. I explained to him that good looks are more hygiene and self care than genetics but he refused to accept what I said to him.
After that I caught him sniffing his sister’s panties in the laundry room - she was 12 at the time and he was 17. He assured me it had nothing to do with his sister, he said he just had a panty sniffing fetish and he pretended they belonged to girls from porno videos, but still I gave him hell for it, and he was grounded and lost his computer for 6 months. I went through his computer and I was disgusted by the kinds of hateful, racist, incel forums he frequented, the horrid things he said about women, and his save file was full of cartoon porn with girls of questionable ages. I wiped the hard drive completely and began strictly monitoring his online activity. I used parental filters to block incel sites and and porn sites that hosted cartoon porn.
The next big issue was something he did to my daughter’s friend. My daughter is 5 years his junior, and one day after a sleepover, my daughter came to me and said her friend wanted to tell me something but was afraid of what I would say.
My son cornered this 13 year old girl and physically blocked her path and touched her hair and face while making very inappropriate comments about her body and asking her if she liked to sleep naked and what kind of underwear she wore.
I tore into my son for that, my wife and I both shouted at him, and told him his behaviour was horrible and I told him then that if his actions got him arrested I would not defend him. He accused us of not loving him, but I told him the reason I was so passionately angry in that situation is because I do love him, and I want to help him become a good man so he can stop being so predatory and bitter and miserable. I told him some hard truths. That he did this all to himself and that he is the only one he can blame for how bitter he is.
I suggested he look to women his own age and he went on a rant about how it was a waste of time because women were already whores (and his definition of a whore is a woman who has had sex even just once) by 17. I called him out on his bullshit and expressed clearly that if he harassed young girls anymore I would personally turn him in.
I invited my daughters friend over after and I personally apologized to her for her experiences, I cried in shame for my son’s behaviour and begged her forgiveness for allowing her to feel unsafe in my home and promised her that if she ever felt uncomfortable she could come to my wife and I and we would always believe and help her. Luckily, my daughter didn’t lose this friend, but for safety I installed a lock on my daughter’s door.
We got my son therapy but he refused to engage with the therapist, calling him a “sand nigger” and “pajeet” and “terrorist”. His next therapist was a “chad”, so he didn’t relate to that either.
We fought about him not trying, not getting a job, and he said he couldn’t get one because of the immigrants, to which I pointed out that he was struggling because he got fired from his high school jobs for being lazy.
After those fights, my wife tried to empathize with him and understand what made him so bitter but he flipped out at her, and called her a cock-gargling whore and said that she fucked her way through dozens of men until she found a “beta-fag” who was willing to shelter her for missionary sex.
My wife, who works and contributes to the family income, who is an independent, professional woman.
Honestly, I lost it more than ever before. I had never been so angry when I heard what he said. That may be his mom, he may be my son, but the woman he was abusively tearing into is my god damn wife. No one can treat my wife like that.
I am ashamed to say in my anger, he shoved me and I physically retaliated, shoving him back, and pinning him against the wall. I felt ashamed of myself, I have never been an angry or violent person, but I couldn’t control myself. I’ve never put my hands on either of my children in such a way in my life, I hate child abusers... but this boy was no child. He was a grown man.
He was intimidated and backed down, and for a while he was peaceful.
The last straw was this week.
My daughter has dated 3 people her whole life. A boy, a girl, and now another boy. We were as open about sex with my daughter as we were with my son. We asked if she would like to have a question-free steady supply of condoms left in her bathroom drawer, and if she wanted to get on birth control. She said no to both questions with her first boyfriend. She never really brought him home but we met him at one of her recitals. When she had a girlfriend she went over to her house all the time, and didn’t want to bring her to the same house her brother lived in, a sentiment I understood.
But her most recent boyfriend has a lot going on behind the scenes in his family. He’s a nice boy but his mom is a single mom of 4 and they struggle.
This boy started coming around a month after they got together. I like him. My daughter is happy with him. He treats her with respect. He is an intelligent boy. He’s an absolute gentleman. He’s respectful and polite in our home. He calls me sir, calls my wife Ma’am, he offers to help with the cooking or dishes or cleaning while he’s visiting, he talks to us, he’s a bit of an amateur cook himself and brings us food all the time to say thank you for taking care of him, when we go out for dinner he always offers to pay for himself and my daughter (though I know he doesn’t have much money so I always pay). When getting out of the car he opens the door for my wife and offers her his hand (he sits behind her for leg room). He holds the doors, when we leave somewhere he helps my daughter put her jacket on like those sweet old fashioned couples.
This young man works hard, and gives what little he has to his mom and siblings. Like I said, I really respect the boy. I offered him money once for groceries for his family but he turns me down and says he would feel guilty accepting my money like that. He’s appreciative of things - in the winter, it was -20 and he had only a hoodie, so I draped my jacket over his arms, and I said “take it son, it’s cold.” He had tears in his eyes as he said thank you, and I made some excuse about wanting to get rid of the jacket and told him he could keep it if he brought cookies for us next time he visited.
When Christmas came along, I invited him over for supper, and when I went to pick him up I delivered some presents for his family, and on the ride back to my house we had a moment. He was crying because he didn’t have much to give us - he got everyone in our house a present but he cried anyways because he felt it wasn’t enough to make up for what we gave him. I pulled over, and I just hugged him, and I said to him that it wasn’t the value of what he got, it was that he got us anything at all. I thanked him for treating my daughter so well, and I told him he would always be welcome in my home.
My own son didn’t get us anything for christmas, not even a card bought with the money we give him. This boy got my wife and I matching wine glasses since we like to share a bottle every now and then.
My son didn’t eat with us. He pillaged the food table and ran away to his room alone while my daughter’s boyfriend met my sister and her family and my parents and my uncle. They all told me how charming he was and how polite he was. Meanwhile after dinner my son told my 5 year old nephew “fuck off Faggot” for asking to play a game with him. A man over 20 years old.
Last week, my wife and I went out for an evening to ourselves. We went to dinner, then we went to an upscale bar to play some pool, then we went home.
When I walked in the door, the kids were screaming at each other. I came in to see my son and my daughter’s boyfriend fighting. The boyfriend was just pushing my son back and trying to redirect him, my son was throwing punches and charging him. My daughter was crying and sitting against the wall clutching her face. I got between them and pushed them apart, and demanded to know what was happening.
My son went on a tirade about how he found birth control pills and heard “whore” sounds from her room, so he kicked open her door and discovered them having sex, he said he couldn’t believe his own sister would “be a nigger’s whore” and called the poor boy a monkey and other things.
My wife got my daughter and her boyfriend out of there and I yelled at my son for how he was acting. Eventually I got nowhere with him so I made him wait in his room. I went to talk to my daughter. I apologized to her boyfriend, crying as I did, telling him that I hope he could forgive me for letting this happen. He said he was sorry for getting violent but that he only did it because my son hit her. My daughter cried and said he was a psycho and threatened to rape her, and that he admitted to ejaculating on her toothbrush and hair brush.
I charged into his room, and I said firmly that he should pack his bags and leave. I told him I would pay to have his things sent to him, wherever he went, but that he was leaving tomorrow.
My wife stayed at my sisters, and my daughter and her boyfriend spent the next few nights at his place.
The next day I practically threw my son out of the house kicking and screaming.
I took his key back and changed the alarm codes and garage door code. A day later I had a message requesting some of this things - mostly his gaming stuff - be delivered to some strange apartment block I didn’t recognize a couple of towns over. A college aged man buzzed me in and I delivered the stuff. I didn’t see my son.
My wife and I then went through his room. My daughter’s boyfriend came over and helped me move his furniture to the garage. We threw out his mattress and some other more gross and smelly things, and we took out the carpet to be replaced.
Hidden in the closet was a treasure trove of my daughter’s underwear, so saturated with old, moldy semen that they were as hard as bricks. The unnerving part was that there were a few pairs my daughter was adamant didn’t belong to her. And they were too small for my wife. It was possible he stole them from my nieces.
There was a sketchbook containing graphic drawings of my son violently raping different women and keeping little girls chained up in some kind of sex dungeon. I went through his old phone that was still working, and all his photos were screenshots of my nieces and their friends in their bikinis, lots of cartoon porn, lots of red pill and incel and Trump memes. He still had messenger, so I checked his messages, most of them were just him trying to harass women and underaged girls.
I checked his Email and... much to my disgust, he stole private photos of my wife from her phone, and he was selling them.
Today, I went to the police with everything and told them everything.
I gave my baby boy everything... I don’t know why he went down this road. But I’m just so sorry I failed him. I don’t know what the police will do... but I hope they stop him before he hurts someone else.
The sad thing is... yesterday, once it was all over and settled, yesterday we had a wonderful day. One of the happiest we have ever had.
Edit: there is a lot to sort through, it’s impossible to reply to everyone so let me hit the big points.

edit 2
With new replies coming in by the truckload and 3 new pm’s for every one I reply to, I am getting slightly overwhelmed by the response here. I can’t really keep up, even just reading I have begun skipping comments to keep up. I have things to do today but I’ll try to catch up every so often.
edit 3
Mods locked the thread. I am not sure why but there are almost 10,000 replies and maybe 500 pm’s to sort through.
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